Clare,
The thought of dreaming that house makes me afraid.
My dreams of that house are violent.
My memories are spotty.
I remember bits and pieces...
generally the frightening stuff.
I think living there is the basis of many of my fears...
fear of the dark and graveyards sticks with me...
a sense that evil is real is also prominent.
I once went back and drove past the house, turned up the alley, and drove back by the school.
It seemed innocent.
But it still holds negativity for me.
When I hear the Miranda Lambert song, The House That Built Me, I think of that house...
gathering the courage to go back inside...
showing myself it is safe.
I think the door that won't stay shut is fascinating. Trying to hide, but it creeps open. Does the man run away? is he repelled by the contents of the room? fascinating.
Thanks for posting those dogs' pictures. They were reunited with the owner. I haven't heard the whole story, but there is a happy ending.
I taught at a local middle school today. It's a 3 session program on healthy choices. The first class was very difficult. I could not engage them...a lot of acting out, talking, disrespect.
The other two classes went well. I have to go back for the next two days. I've decided to show them a movie. I think I'm going to show them SuperSize me. Or there is a great one about our sugar addiction...but it is a bit graphic- pulling teeth, amputated limbs. I'm not sure what I'm going to use.
I am starting to feel like myself again. I still have occasional wheezing. I am still unable to invert or evert my foot- and am wearing a brace. But I feel better.
Less than one week to graduation...still not sure he is graduating. He has one more day of finals and then we wait and see. Send some Light.
I'm as anxious as he is!
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, May 31, 2017
dreams
Shame is different than pride. And both can be healthy. But in the way we are viewing them, neither is healthy. I think they may be two sides of the same coin...
But I rarely feel proud.
Sometimes I think we live our lives such that to prove the abuser right. I must have done something to deserve this. I can't think of what it might have been, but here, let me screw up or act out - prove that I deserved the pain and humiliation.
Because if it was a mistake, if I really didn't deserve...can I stay sane?
But that is the truth. We are born innocent. And the pain inflicted on us right from the start molds us.
If your youngest has a soul contract with this young woman, I hope he honors it. I hope he finds contentment...and even joy!
I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by life. It seems to be steamrolling right at me. I have had lots of hours at work, thank heavens, and every weekend is full...they have been since mid-April and will continue to be so until the end of this month. Then next month is festival, and my friend is coming to visit for three weeks.
Maybe I should try Lose It. I need a pop in the butt to get me moving forward!
Meeting you here means a lot to me, too. I miss you when you are gone for a while...
I have been dreaming about the house in F-burg pretty regularly lately. There seems to be a lot of friends and family there. There seems to be a festival going on in or around the house. I am always aware of commotion and activity and almost chaos. And in the middle of the chaos, I am doing something with someone.
One of the dreams also included Papa's grave. I was there with my younger grandson. There was grass on his grave, but there was a spiral of missing grass. The grass was moving to where I was. It was a yard, not my grave.
Another night I was sexually involved with a friend's younger brother who is about my age. I met him once many years ago. In the dream, I was interested, but I really didn't want him to see what was behind a door that was behind where we were. I was really careful to keep the door shut, but it was slipping open.
Makes me think I am becoming aware of something that I have had hidden away...I wonder what it is. I wonder how it will make an appearance...Dreams about sex are often dreams about accepting a part of ourselves.
Ooooh, just had a thought...what if that is where the Light is working. I will have to pay attention and see if there is any Light coming from the room. Mostly it seemed to be Mom's old papers...
Love and hugs from Clare
But I rarely feel proud.
Sometimes I think we live our lives such that to prove the abuser right. I must have done something to deserve this. I can't think of what it might have been, but here, let me screw up or act out - prove that I deserved the pain and humiliation.
Because if it was a mistake, if I really didn't deserve...can I stay sane?
But that is the truth. We are born innocent. And the pain inflicted on us right from the start molds us.
If your youngest has a soul contract with this young woman, I hope he honors it. I hope he finds contentment...and even joy!
I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by life. It seems to be steamrolling right at me. I have had lots of hours at work, thank heavens, and every weekend is full...they have been since mid-April and will continue to be so until the end of this month. Then next month is festival, and my friend is coming to visit for three weeks.
Maybe I should try Lose It. I need a pop in the butt to get me moving forward!
Meeting you here means a lot to me, too. I miss you when you are gone for a while...
I have been dreaming about the house in F-burg pretty regularly lately. There seems to be a lot of friends and family there. There seems to be a festival going on in or around the house. I am always aware of commotion and activity and almost chaos. And in the middle of the chaos, I am doing something with someone.
One of the dreams also included Papa's grave. I was there with my younger grandson. There was grass on his grave, but there was a spiral of missing grass. The grass was moving to where I was. It was a yard, not my grave.
Another night I was sexually involved with a friend's younger brother who is about my age. I met him once many years ago. In the dream, I was interested, but I really didn't want him to see what was behind a door that was behind where we were. I was really careful to keep the door shut, but it was slipping open.
Makes me think I am becoming aware of something that I have had hidden away...I wonder what it is. I wonder how it will make an appearance...Dreams about sex are often dreams about accepting a part of ourselves.
Ooooh, just had a thought...what if that is where the Light is working. I will have to pay attention and see if there is any Light coming from the room. Mostly it seemed to be Mom's old papers...
Love and hugs from Clare
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
Projecting
Clare,
I was most likely projecting my issues onto you and B#2...
I do see that shame is a byproduct of an abusive home...
shame is different than pride.
But, both are isolating.
I am feeling better today. I worked from the new office space. I was alone, my boss is out of town for a week. It was good to be alone...
but I am surrounded by boxes...
my stuff is not where I expect it to be.
I have so much work to complete and I'm taking time to organize and make thoughtful placements of my stuff...
so it doesn't end up in piles...
and then have to be re-sorted in a year.
I took some forward steps on the community garden project today.
I moved forward on the teen parenting, inclusive classroom project.
I even created a spread sheet for our new contract.
So, it was not a wasted day.
I tried to walk on the treadmill today. I made it about 15 minutes before the ankle hurt...
so I moved to the stationary bike that daughter left in the basement...
12 minutes of that and my bottom hurt and was numb...
so I had about 30 minutes of exercise...
sling yoga tonight. I haven't done a sling class since December...
I'm looking forward to it.
I'm trying very hard to drop 20 lbs and regain my fitness level. I am heavier than I've been in years and have not been consistently walking since October when I began to wheeze.
It amazes me how quickly we give up the things that are best for our body...
but not chocolate...
can't give up chocolate!
Anyway, I'm using a free app called Lose It...
It documents intake and exercise...
If you give a goal weight and rate of weight loss you'd like it will calculate your necessary calories, etc...it charts your weight and progress as you go. I'll let you know. If I make it a week or two then I'm golden...if not, then it's back to eating poorly.
My youngest vomited again this morning. I think he has such acute anxiety about school he makes himself sick. One more week. He has to make it one more week. Send him some Light and Strength...
please. He went to visit an former girlfriend on Sunday. They have remained friends for 2.5 years. She is an exchange student from the Ukraine. She will be graduating and returning to her parent's home next week. He came home and was really light-hearted, giggling...he wasn't drunk or high. He said, "I'm gonna marry that girl some day." I do believe him. She hopes to return to the US for college/university.
Thanks for being here...meeting me here. I love seeing your words and how you are doing.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I was most likely projecting my issues onto you and B#2...
I do see that shame is a byproduct of an abusive home...
shame is different than pride.
But, both are isolating.
I am feeling better today. I worked from the new office space. I was alone, my boss is out of town for a week. It was good to be alone...
but I am surrounded by boxes...
my stuff is not where I expect it to be.
I have so much work to complete and I'm taking time to organize and make thoughtful placements of my stuff...
so it doesn't end up in piles...
and then have to be re-sorted in a year.
I took some forward steps on the community garden project today.
I moved forward on the teen parenting, inclusive classroom project.
I even created a spread sheet for our new contract.
So, it was not a wasted day.
I tried to walk on the treadmill today. I made it about 15 minutes before the ankle hurt...
so I moved to the stationary bike that daughter left in the basement...
12 minutes of that and my bottom hurt and was numb...
so I had about 30 minutes of exercise...
sling yoga tonight. I haven't done a sling class since December...
I'm looking forward to it.
I'm trying very hard to drop 20 lbs and regain my fitness level. I am heavier than I've been in years and have not been consistently walking since October when I began to wheeze.
It amazes me how quickly we give up the things that are best for our body...
but not chocolate...
can't give up chocolate!
Anyway, I'm using a free app called Lose It...
It documents intake and exercise...
If you give a goal weight and rate of weight loss you'd like it will calculate your necessary calories, etc...it charts your weight and progress as you go. I'll let you know. If I make it a week or two then I'm golden...if not, then it's back to eating poorly.
My youngest vomited again this morning. I think he has such acute anxiety about school he makes himself sick. One more week. He has to make it one more week. Send him some Light and Strength...
please. He went to visit an former girlfriend on Sunday. They have remained friends for 2.5 years. She is an exchange student from the Ukraine. She will be graduating and returning to her parent's home next week. He came home and was really light-hearted, giggling...he wasn't drunk or high. He said, "I'm gonna marry that girl some day." I do believe him. She hopes to return to the US for college/university.
Thanks for being here...meeting me here. I love seeing your words and how you are doing.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, May 29, 2017
ups and downs
Hey Maggie,
How are you feeling now? Has all of the onslaught of physical and psychological turmoil settled?
I don't know that I am being prideful. It's kind of like shy people being called snobby or arrogant. I think I am being frustrated and lost and hurt and even ashamed about the way my life turned out. And with B#2, I think it is also shame and worthlessness. Not pride. And it is that ongoing ache that accompanies abused children throughout our lives forever - no matter how we present ourselves.
I think I needed a good cry. Because my daughter came in with her daughter, I didn't get one. I just got a sniffle. I think we need a good cry now and then. It cleanses us.
Not being able to afford to come is not retreating. It is facing the facts of my life, of decisions I have made, of the spiritual value I spiritually put on myself. I chose to homeschool rather than develop a career. I don't regret it. But I wish we lived in a time and place where the work I have done would be valued. Because I have worked all of my life. I enjoyed it, but it was not easy. It was simply not valued. But the results I got are phenomenal.
A Friend at meeting let us into her life, and said, it has to be reciprocal. If I need help I have to ask, because others make more money. But there is something caste-ful about always asking for a scholarship. We know who we are...in the Region...the adults who need assistance every single time. It feels like being a failure at adulting, a failure at life.
We are losing a key member in our small meeting. It is changing us. I think we each see each of us who is there as important. And so tonight I Skyped into a gathering on someone's back porch. One member volunteered to come and get me, but since I have to be up at 5:00, I opted for Skype. But I worshipped with Friends for a few minutes, and centered down. They listened to what I had to say, but then, they always do.
I am actually feeling better about myself. I couldn't sleep last night and started to see way forward. Who knows if it will work, but I am willing to try. I guess I have not given in yet. I am still having moments of great fun and learning.
So often, emotions are the ocean. We ride the waves, we are overcome by waves...we are up and down. We need to feel each. Feeling near drowned and being able to say, I think I am drowning in pain, I can't take any more is a form of resilience. I feel. I feel so bad...but it passes. If I didn't have moments of despair, I wouldn't recognize joy.
Duality! Gotta love it!!
Love and hugs from Clare
How are you feeling now? Has all of the onslaught of physical and psychological turmoil settled?
I don't know that I am being prideful. It's kind of like shy people being called snobby or arrogant. I think I am being frustrated and lost and hurt and even ashamed about the way my life turned out. And with B#2, I think it is also shame and worthlessness. Not pride. And it is that ongoing ache that accompanies abused children throughout our lives forever - no matter how we present ourselves.
I think I needed a good cry. Because my daughter came in with her daughter, I didn't get one. I just got a sniffle. I think we need a good cry now and then. It cleanses us.
Not being able to afford to come is not retreating. It is facing the facts of my life, of decisions I have made, of the spiritual value I spiritually put on myself. I chose to homeschool rather than develop a career. I don't regret it. But I wish we lived in a time and place where the work I have done would be valued. Because I have worked all of my life. I enjoyed it, but it was not easy. It was simply not valued. But the results I got are phenomenal.
A Friend at meeting let us into her life, and said, it has to be reciprocal. If I need help I have to ask, because others make more money. But there is something caste-ful about always asking for a scholarship. We know who we are...in the Region...the adults who need assistance every single time. It feels like being a failure at adulting, a failure at life.
We are losing a key member in our small meeting. It is changing us. I think we each see each of us who is there as important. And so tonight I Skyped into a gathering on someone's back porch. One member volunteered to come and get me, but since I have to be up at 5:00, I opted for Skype. But I worshipped with Friends for a few minutes, and centered down. They listened to what I had to say, but then, they always do.
I am actually feeling better about myself. I couldn't sleep last night and started to see way forward. Who knows if it will work, but I am willing to try. I guess I have not given in yet. I am still having moments of great fun and learning.
So often, emotions are the ocean. We ride the waves, we are overcome by waves...we are up and down. We need to feel each. Feeling near drowned and being able to say, I think I am drowning in pain, I can't take any more is a form of resilience. I feel. I feel so bad...but it passes. If I didn't have moments of despair, I wouldn't recognize joy.
Duality! Gotta love it!!
Love and hugs from Clare
Sunday, May 28, 2017
I choose...
Clare,
We are broken...
that is an opening.
Openings allow growth.
Consider what would happen if snakes did not molt...
or baby birds did not outgrow their shell...
or our babies did not break out of our wombs.
I commented to someone, just a few days ago that this is the longest I have ever lived in one place. 19 years in one house. I feel settled. I am comfortable. I built this home myself...
we built this home through years of joy and pain...
and those experiences continue
I love this area...
it is challenging for me personally and professionally.
I love my Meeting...
even though it challenges me personally.
Growth happens outside the comfort zone.
As for Papa- he had no idea what home and family meant. He, and Mama, both thought a roof and 3 meals was home. I remember once having an emotional discussion with Mama about the abuse- she told me she was so busy keeping us fed that she didn't think to keep us safe...
especially from each other (I added that last part).
As for you- you are part of this big, screwed up family. retreating won't change that. Whether or not you can afford to stay in a hotel isn't a judgement of whether you belong. People have differences in their financial means. I have paid for others' hotels before. I have given rides before. I have never stopped to judge the worthiness of the recipient- I consider it an opportunity for me to be generous and loving in a way that helps another.
Don't let pride get in the way of connection.
I think that's what's going on with B#2- his pride is isolating him. He will die a lonely man if he doesn't step around that and move forward.
I have had a wicked week. I got sick- upper respiratory junk, wheezing, etc.- and we are moving the office. So this week, in addition to the cold/bronchitis, I had a BIG zit on my nose, a cold sore, a sprained ankle, and now my period. My body is crying out for some down time...
but I ignore it.
I took a 2 hour nap yesterday and then had trouble falling asleep...so frustrating.
And the cats and dog want to be fed by 6 am so...
no sleeping in for me.
That is why I am blogging so early in the morning.
On Friday I was overwhelmed through most of the day. I finally voiced my frustration with my boss...
telling her how disappointing it is that we don't have help from our board members for the move. I told her that we should have paid someone to move us if they weren't't willing to step up and help. I feel badly because as I was complaining she was having abdominal cramping- I think she's got diverticulitis- or something- and is ignoring her body as well.
Friday night, after much physical labor and driving, I had 2 glasses of wine with my oldest and husband, I found myself overwhelmed by grief. I had several shouting/cursing conversations with my youngest during the day. He was supposed to help me move 2 desks and a table and chairs onto a truck, and then unload them at the new office. The furniture was an hour away and I had an appointment with a warehouse director on a holiday weekend. My youngest was late- and no where close to home when I had to leave...I was boiling mad. Anyway I was overwhelmed by grief and began to cry- my whole body began to cry...and I had to speak about my youngest taking a young woman to have an abortion. I think that was the realization I needed. I am so angry with him and it was not my choice to make. I am holding on to that. It is my problem. He deals with it in his own way. I had very vivid tornado dreams Friday night. My life is in turmoil and flux right now. But change is growth- even if it hurts- a lot.
I do think that all of our ancestors live on within us. We can embrace that, ignore that, or pick and choose what we attend to...but it is all there for the taking.
We have a long history of pain and abuse- interpersonal violence, disrespect, intolerance.
We have an equal or greater history of resilience and inner strength.
I choose the resilience and strength.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
We are broken...
that is an opening.
Openings allow growth.
Consider what would happen if snakes did not molt...
or baby birds did not outgrow their shell...
or our babies did not break out of our wombs.
I commented to someone, just a few days ago that this is the longest I have ever lived in one place. 19 years in one house. I feel settled. I am comfortable. I built this home myself...
we built this home through years of joy and pain...
and those experiences continue
I love this area...
it is challenging for me personally and professionally.
I love my Meeting...
even though it challenges me personally.
Growth happens outside the comfort zone.
As for Papa- he had no idea what home and family meant. He, and Mama, both thought a roof and 3 meals was home. I remember once having an emotional discussion with Mama about the abuse- she told me she was so busy keeping us fed that she didn't think to keep us safe...
especially from each other (I added that last part).
As for you- you are part of this big, screwed up family. retreating won't change that. Whether or not you can afford to stay in a hotel isn't a judgement of whether you belong. People have differences in their financial means. I have paid for others' hotels before. I have given rides before. I have never stopped to judge the worthiness of the recipient- I consider it an opportunity for me to be generous and loving in a way that helps another.
Don't let pride get in the way of connection.
I think that's what's going on with B#2- his pride is isolating him. He will die a lonely man if he doesn't step around that and move forward.
I have had a wicked week. I got sick- upper respiratory junk, wheezing, etc.- and we are moving the office. So this week, in addition to the cold/bronchitis, I had a BIG zit on my nose, a cold sore, a sprained ankle, and now my period. My body is crying out for some down time...
but I ignore it.
I took a 2 hour nap yesterday and then had trouble falling asleep...so frustrating.
And the cats and dog want to be fed by 6 am so...
no sleeping in for me.
That is why I am blogging so early in the morning.
On Friday I was overwhelmed through most of the day. I finally voiced my frustration with my boss...
telling her how disappointing it is that we don't have help from our board members for the move. I told her that we should have paid someone to move us if they weren't't willing to step up and help. I feel badly because as I was complaining she was having abdominal cramping- I think she's got diverticulitis- or something- and is ignoring her body as well.
Friday night, after much physical labor and driving, I had 2 glasses of wine with my oldest and husband, I found myself overwhelmed by grief. I had several shouting/cursing conversations with my youngest during the day. He was supposed to help me move 2 desks and a table and chairs onto a truck, and then unload them at the new office. The furniture was an hour away and I had an appointment with a warehouse director on a holiday weekend. My youngest was late- and no where close to home when I had to leave...I was boiling mad. Anyway I was overwhelmed by grief and began to cry- my whole body began to cry...and I had to speak about my youngest taking a young woman to have an abortion. I think that was the realization I needed. I am so angry with him and it was not my choice to make. I am holding on to that. It is my problem. He deals with it in his own way. I had very vivid tornado dreams Friday night. My life is in turmoil and flux right now. But change is growth- even if it hurts- a lot.
I do think that all of our ancestors live on within us. We can embrace that, ignore that, or pick and choose what we attend to...but it is all there for the taking.
We have a long history of pain and abuse- interpersonal violence, disrespect, intolerance.
We have an equal or greater history of resilience and inner strength.
I choose the resilience and strength.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Saturday, May 27, 2017
short quote - Wendell Berry
We are called to love the world as God loves the world. Loving this deeply, this openly, will break our hearts. When our hearts are broken wide-open, if we are willing to remain anchored in love, we find our capacity to love magnified. It is a cycle of life and brokenness and life renewed perpetually. Our calling is nothing less than this.
-Wendell Berry
-Wendell Berry
coincidences that lead home?
My oldest son accompanied his wife to a professional training. He watched the kids and had adventures while she was in sessions. They stayed in an eclectic hotel. While they were in a pool, my son struck up a conversation with another man...(foreshadowing - who looks a bit like him)...and they both noted they were from the same area of the country. Later in the conversation, they got a little more specific, ending with dropped jaws. What are the chances of striking up a conversation with a stranger who shares great grandparents with you?
Actually I am wondering how common it is. But how often do we take time to know each other deeply?
As a result, I virtually friended his uncle, who is our cousin. These are the offspring of Papa's oldest sister. I looked at pictures and felt like crying. He looks like family.
The connecting factor in the original conversation was the recent military funeral in Arlington. Apparently that has made the rounds in the family.
I was thinking about Papa's funeral. Our only cousins there were Mama's side. I mused about that and thought about how abuse flings families so far apart. We can't wait to get away from the pain. Unfortunately we take it with us, and spread it out further and further. So it seems there was less abuse on Mama's side...families are a bit more connected.
I was thinking about our older cousin, and thought about his parents being dead, thinking about those passings, about no one living there any more...well, maybe the youngest brother...wondering how that felt.
Then I realized we sort of lost that when Mama and Papa sold their house. But I never lived there. I had an ancestral connection, which I recognized because of my fascination with family history. But I was thinking nowhere felt like home with Papa.
I am in a weepy mood.
I was also thinking about meeting claiming me. Lately my meeting has been reaching out and including me. I am feeling a little lost, but there is home just in front of me. Are we not a joined meeting because I have not joined, except on paper?
When we lived on the farm we had two different friends move in temporarily. Both were going through divorces and losing almost everything.
One of them has had a second divorce. During that marriage she paid the mortgage, he paid the taxes. After he walked out, she found out they were way behind on taxes, and lost the house. I am going to talk to the kids, but I think she may end up here temporarily, again, until she gets back on her feet. (Need to talk to the kids, because my friend comes with a flock of sheep!)
With a story like this, you know damn well someone beat the shit out of her...physically and/or psychologically.
Are we ever safe? Where do we find home? I am feeling very lost and helpless and incapable of adulting. I feel like I have not done anything right at all.
It all seems unfixable. I am furious with Papa. Because of him I never felt like I had a home. I always knew he was just counting the days until I was out. He told me often enough to remind me I was not welcome.
Now I don't feel welcome anywhere...
When we came down to Arlington, my daughter and her boyfriend asked me to come with them. They reserved a room for me for two nights. The third night I was going to stay with S#3. I chipped in as much as I could. I appreciated it. But plans were changed and I ended up with my youngest the third night.
I thought about it later, and realized everyone was in the hall discussing the Clare problem. I just decided that if I can't afford things I will not go.
I am hiding in my little hole, not asking for anything, and still I feel like a problem for the world.
I am crying as I write, I need this I think.
Papa's legacy...Papa's family's legacy...when I look in the mirror, I see his mother...
But now, two, three generations later, kids have found each other in joy and curiosity.
Do we find each other ever?
Love and hugs and a few tears,
Clare
Actually I am wondering how common it is. But how often do we take time to know each other deeply?
As a result, I virtually friended his uncle, who is our cousin. These are the offspring of Papa's oldest sister. I looked at pictures and felt like crying. He looks like family.
The connecting factor in the original conversation was the recent military funeral in Arlington. Apparently that has made the rounds in the family.
I was thinking about Papa's funeral. Our only cousins there were Mama's side. I mused about that and thought about how abuse flings families so far apart. We can't wait to get away from the pain. Unfortunately we take it with us, and spread it out further and further. So it seems there was less abuse on Mama's side...families are a bit more connected.
I was thinking about our older cousin, and thought about his parents being dead, thinking about those passings, about no one living there any more...well, maybe the youngest brother...wondering how that felt.
Then I realized we sort of lost that when Mama and Papa sold their house. But I never lived there. I had an ancestral connection, which I recognized because of my fascination with family history. But I was thinking nowhere felt like home with Papa.
I am in a weepy mood.
I was also thinking about meeting claiming me. Lately my meeting has been reaching out and including me. I am feeling a little lost, but there is home just in front of me. Are we not a joined meeting because I have not joined, except on paper?
When we lived on the farm we had two different friends move in temporarily. Both were going through divorces and losing almost everything.
One of them has had a second divorce. During that marriage she paid the mortgage, he paid the taxes. After he walked out, she found out they were way behind on taxes, and lost the house. I am going to talk to the kids, but I think she may end up here temporarily, again, until she gets back on her feet. (Need to talk to the kids, because my friend comes with a flock of sheep!)
With a story like this, you know damn well someone beat the shit out of her...physically and/or psychologically.
Are we ever safe? Where do we find home? I am feeling very lost and helpless and incapable of adulting. I feel like I have not done anything right at all.
It all seems unfixable. I am furious with Papa. Because of him I never felt like I had a home. I always knew he was just counting the days until I was out. He told me often enough to remind me I was not welcome.
Now I don't feel welcome anywhere...
When we came down to Arlington, my daughter and her boyfriend asked me to come with them. They reserved a room for me for two nights. The third night I was going to stay with S#3. I chipped in as much as I could. I appreciated it. But plans were changed and I ended up with my youngest the third night.
I thought about it later, and realized everyone was in the hall discussing the Clare problem. I just decided that if I can't afford things I will not go.
I am hiding in my little hole, not asking for anything, and still I feel like a problem for the world.
I am crying as I write, I need this I think.
Papa's legacy...Papa's family's legacy...when I look in the mirror, I see his mother...
But now, two, three generations later, kids have found each other in joy and curiosity.
Do we find each other ever?
Love and hugs and a few tears,
Clare
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
soul mates
Hi Maggie,
I don't think anyone is especially claiming me. It's more that I simply am not the other. I am one of them.
Who claims me? Probably you and S#3 and S#5, and my youngest child. My grandchildren claim me.
So I am present. I am real. I belong somewhere.
I have really been enchanted by this idea that my body is a tool to treasure. I have been more aware, and stronger somehow. I mowed for a couple of hours this afternoon, then ate a small dinner. I am feeling quite self satisfied!
Papa may have had a Warrior archetype. I remember talking once, and he told me that whenever he read an account of war, he always knew what was going to happen. Maybe he was at war with himself. But it spilled out on us. Not very valiant or chivalrous.
I read a small line recently, it said our lover is the person we are learning love with. For some reason that resounded with me. It made me see love differently.
And now I am wondering if Mama and Papa were soul mates. You said maybe not because they each had a limited capacity for intimacy. I think they had matched capacity, and in a lot of ways they deepened together. Seems like a nice definition of soul mates to me.
I think we find someone who can tug us forward, and then we tug them forward. In the midst of it, there are moments of equality and oneness. Those are the moments that keep us tugging along together.
Maybe...
Exhausted love and hugs from Clare
I don't think anyone is especially claiming me. It's more that I simply am not the other. I am one of them.
Who claims me? Probably you and S#3 and S#5, and my youngest child. My grandchildren claim me.
So I am present. I am real. I belong somewhere.
I have really been enchanted by this idea that my body is a tool to treasure. I have been more aware, and stronger somehow. I mowed for a couple of hours this afternoon, then ate a small dinner. I am feeling quite self satisfied!
Papa may have had a Warrior archetype. I remember talking once, and he told me that whenever he read an account of war, he always knew what was going to happen. Maybe he was at war with himself. But it spilled out on us. Not very valiant or chivalrous.
I read a small line recently, it said our lover is the person we are learning love with. For some reason that resounded with me. It made me see love differently.
And now I am wondering if Mama and Papa were soul mates. You said maybe not because they each had a limited capacity for intimacy. I think they had matched capacity, and in a lot of ways they deepened together. Seems like a nice definition of soul mates to me.
I think we find someone who can tug us forward, and then we tug them forward. In the midst of it, there are moments of equality and oneness. Those are the moments that keep us tugging along together.
Maybe...
Exhausted love and hugs from Clare
Monday, May 22, 2017
limited capacity
Clare,
Let them claim you as one of them...
surrender into the safe, loving group...
you have watched for long enough.
The weekend of family and yoga was good. It was good to be there. It was good to be with family and extended family, and friends...
all who cared enough to join us for a cause.
Before they began the yoga class they asked us to call out names of those who had died from breast cancer...
I found myself calling out our aunt's name...
it felt good to connect with her...
in that space.
Mamma called out our cousin's name...
even though she has not died...
she was connected too.
We are all connected through the family genes and shared experiences...
epigenetically imprinted from the ancestors.
I was hobbling in an ankle brace....
but walked without too much difficulty.
mama and S#3 were both very slow...
but they walked most of the time...
despite being slower.
They were determined.
At one point...
after yoga...
S#3 had a gluteal cramp...
she was struggling...
we took a cab back to the car.
I know she felt self-conscious...
but it was OK. We all have limitations.
The best part of the yoga was the sense of togetherness that was established and permeated the weekend. B#1's daughter was so sweet and supportive. I really enjoyed spending time with her. She is quite special.
I came home to a sick husband...
he's miserable.
I am so tired- physically tired...
I need a long week of early to beds...
I still think Papa had a warrior archetype...
I think it my youngest's archetype as well.
Unfortunately Papa fought internal battles and against the other most of his life...
I am hoping that my youngest will transform that energy into activism and passion for good and right.
I am not sure what his successes were...
was he a great husband?
only Mama can answer that question...
were they truly intimate soul-mates?
I find that hard to believe...
but that is from my perspective. I think that both have limited capacity for intimacy.
I know that I have a limited capacity for intimacy...
particularly with males...
it comes with the family history.
I'm going to do a bit of reading and then hit bed really early.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Let them claim you as one of them...
surrender into the safe, loving group...
you have watched for long enough.
The weekend of family and yoga was good. It was good to be there. It was good to be with family and extended family, and friends...
all who cared enough to join us for a cause.
Before they began the yoga class they asked us to call out names of those who had died from breast cancer...
I found myself calling out our aunt's name...
it felt good to connect with her...
in that space.
Mamma called out our cousin's name...
even though she has not died...
she was connected too.
We are all connected through the family genes and shared experiences...
epigenetically imprinted from the ancestors.
I was hobbling in an ankle brace....
but walked without too much difficulty.
mama and S#3 were both very slow...
but they walked most of the time...
despite being slower.
They were determined.
At one point...
after yoga...
S#3 had a gluteal cramp...
she was struggling...
we took a cab back to the car.
I know she felt self-conscious...
but it was OK. We all have limitations.
The best part of the yoga was the sense of togetherness that was established and permeated the weekend. B#1's daughter was so sweet and supportive. I really enjoyed spending time with her. She is quite special.
I came home to a sick husband...
he's miserable.
I am so tired- physically tired...
I need a long week of early to beds...
I still think Papa had a warrior archetype...
I think it my youngest's archetype as well.
Unfortunately Papa fought internal battles and against the other most of his life...
I am hoping that my youngest will transform that energy into activism and passion for good and right.
I am not sure what his successes were...
was he a great husband?
only Mama can answer that question...
were they truly intimate soul-mates?
I find that hard to believe...
but that is from my perspective. I think that both have limited capacity for intimacy.
I know that I have a limited capacity for intimacy...
particularly with males...
it comes with the family history.
I'm going to do a bit of reading and then hit bed really early.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sunday, May 21, 2017
inside the comfort zone
Hi Maggs,
How was the public yoga?
I spent my weekend Quakering. We had a regional gathering. A couple who led youth work when mine were teenagers were there working with my grandkids.
I have been involved with Friends for 30 years. I look around at us, and I see we have aged. We are looking older...I knew almost everyone, was able to talk to almost everyone. The topic of the weekend was sanctuary, belonging, the other.
My original meeting is being merged with another. Many of the old books from the library were laid out on a table - with a sign that said Free. My youngest and I went through the books, opening the front covers and finding signatures of the first dear Friends who lit our way. Most are gone now.
We chose books for her sibs. We took some to my middle kid when we dropped his kids off. He recognized the Friends.
I told him what someone said to his son.
I introduced his son to the man who was leading the youth. I told my grandson that this man knew his dad when Daddy was young.
The youth worker replied to my grandson, "Your dad was never young. He was born an old, old soul, and has been getting young ever since."
So back to the topic - belonging. During worship someone said something about stepping outside your comfort zone. And it came to me that being outside the comfort zone is my comfort zone. Wary, unattached, feeling on the outside...that is my place.
This weekend, realizing I have been part of this group for 30 years, and am considered one of them, being in a comfort zone...well, that is stepping outside my comfort zone.
I still don't feel equal. I don't feel real. I feel like an imposter Friend who is not as good as the others. I guess if I call them the others, I am identify myself as their other.
I thought I dealt with it. I thought I was calm with belonging. But I came home and ate way too much chocolate. I am numbing something...
Enjoying the quiet, and sending love and hugs...
Clare
How was the public yoga?
I spent my weekend Quakering. We had a regional gathering. A couple who led youth work when mine were teenagers were there working with my grandkids.
I have been involved with Friends for 30 years. I look around at us, and I see we have aged. We are looking older...I knew almost everyone, was able to talk to almost everyone. The topic of the weekend was sanctuary, belonging, the other.
My original meeting is being merged with another. Many of the old books from the library were laid out on a table - with a sign that said Free. My youngest and I went through the books, opening the front covers and finding signatures of the first dear Friends who lit our way. Most are gone now.
We chose books for her sibs. We took some to my middle kid when we dropped his kids off. He recognized the Friends.
I told him what someone said to his son.
I introduced his son to the man who was leading the youth. I told my grandson that this man knew his dad when Daddy was young.
The youth worker replied to my grandson, "Your dad was never young. He was born an old, old soul, and has been getting young ever since."
So back to the topic - belonging. During worship someone said something about stepping outside your comfort zone. And it came to me that being outside the comfort zone is my comfort zone. Wary, unattached, feeling on the outside...that is my place.
This weekend, realizing I have been part of this group for 30 years, and am considered one of them, being in a comfort zone...well, that is stepping outside my comfort zone.
I still don't feel equal. I don't feel real. I feel like an imposter Friend who is not as good as the others. I guess if I call them the others, I am identify myself as their other.
I thought I dealt with it. I thought I was calm with belonging. But I came home and ate way too much chocolate. I am numbing something...
Enjoying the quiet, and sending love and hugs...
Clare
Saturday, May 20, 2017
turn your back
Hi Maggie,
And there is the charm of being mostly oblivious. I missed all the drama, and never knew it happened. The only thing I caught was your youngest leaving the bus to catch up with the walkers. I actually had the passing thought that if I had known walking was an option, I might have gone with them.
It is kind of funny that the youngest in a very large family took on the position of organizer/Mama Hen/or, or as Mama said, the Red-headed General! S#5 and S#4 may deny that horrible things were happening to us, and they may have missed some of it, but I still see some characteristics of growing up in an alcoholic family.
I guess my attitude about being herded around is - it's only a day or two.
I have been feeling tired and run-down. I was dreading all of the walking Mama said we would do. Saturday we went to the zoo. We took the metro, and walked to the zoo, then walked through the zoo for hours. We took turns carrying the four-year-old, who did a lot of walking, too. That night my feet were a bit sore, and I was truly tired. I liked that. Sunday, my granddaughter and I took a flowerwalk with Mama. Then Monday we walked around the Mall, visiting memorials.
I felt good.
Now, after four days back at work, trapped at my desk, I am starting to feel punk again.
I don't think Papa D. was a warrior all of his life. He didn't fight for anything after he left the army. And after reading Howard Zinn, we have no idea what we are really fighting for while in the army. I still respect his nobility and courage for going for the reasons presented, though. But, he frequently criticized and minimized me for speaking out and fighting, especially on environmental issues. I think he identified most closely with the military part of his life, maybe it was the only part that felt valid. He definitely did not honor his role as father. He didn't especially care about the jobs he moved through. Maybe his other big role was husband. I am not sure.
Maybe that is why I have a problem with the focus on thanking a veteran for service. We should thank them, yes, but we should fight for them. They each deserve good, available medical care, a safe home, and a job for the rest of their lives. They deserve! But ignoring what the military has done to them and to their lives, then saying Thanks! Let me shake your hand...it's display and nothing more. And it diminishes the rest of their lives.
I don't like it.
I do like your image of a triangle. In the middle is violence. We have three ways of responding. I wonder who says the center must be violence? Whoever says is winning. This is how we define everything in our lives, I think - through a lens of violence.
But it's just a little triangle. We can turn our backs on it, join in other ways. Disempower the violent. Stop the violation.
I get these images all the time. I know it is simple, but I am not sure how to do it. The best I do is refuse to support things like WalMart...places that are so obviously unethical. Cheap prices are not worth the shattered soul...
I am off to Quaker this weekend. It is our Spring Gathering.
Love and hugs from Clare
And there is the charm of being mostly oblivious. I missed all the drama, and never knew it happened. The only thing I caught was your youngest leaving the bus to catch up with the walkers. I actually had the passing thought that if I had known walking was an option, I might have gone with them.
It is kind of funny that the youngest in a very large family took on the position of organizer/Mama Hen/or, or as Mama said, the Red-headed General! S#5 and S#4 may deny that horrible things were happening to us, and they may have missed some of it, but I still see some characteristics of growing up in an alcoholic family.
I guess my attitude about being herded around is - it's only a day or two.
I have been feeling tired and run-down. I was dreading all of the walking Mama said we would do. Saturday we went to the zoo. We took the metro, and walked to the zoo, then walked through the zoo for hours. We took turns carrying the four-year-old, who did a lot of walking, too. That night my feet were a bit sore, and I was truly tired. I liked that. Sunday, my granddaughter and I took a flowerwalk with Mama. Then Monday we walked around the Mall, visiting memorials.
I felt good.
Now, after four days back at work, trapped at my desk, I am starting to feel punk again.
I don't think Papa D. was a warrior all of his life. He didn't fight for anything after he left the army. And after reading Howard Zinn, we have no idea what we are really fighting for while in the army. I still respect his nobility and courage for going for the reasons presented, though. But, he frequently criticized and minimized me for speaking out and fighting, especially on environmental issues. I think he identified most closely with the military part of his life, maybe it was the only part that felt valid. He definitely did not honor his role as father. He didn't especially care about the jobs he moved through. Maybe his other big role was husband. I am not sure.
Maybe that is why I have a problem with the focus on thanking a veteran for service. We should thank them, yes, but we should fight for them. They each deserve good, available medical care, a safe home, and a job for the rest of their lives. They deserve! But ignoring what the military has done to them and to their lives, then saying Thanks! Let me shake your hand...it's display and nothing more. And it diminishes the rest of their lives.
I don't like it.
I do like your image of a triangle. In the middle is violence. We have three ways of responding. I wonder who says the center must be violence? Whoever says is winning. This is how we define everything in our lives, I think - through a lens of violence.
But it's just a little triangle. We can turn our backs on it, join in other ways. Disempower the violent. Stop the violation.
I get these images all the time. I know it is simple, but I am not sure how to do it. The best I do is refuse to support things like WalMart...places that are so obviously unethical. Cheap prices are not worth the shattered soul...
I am off to Quaker this weekend. It is our Spring Gathering.
Love and hugs from Clare
Friday, May 19, 2017
flexibility- body, mind, and spirit
Clare,
It's been a long and busy week for me as well.
The puppy, Henry, is coming home on June 2. My oldest is adoption this brother, so she and her beloved are picking the two puppies up and bringing them home. I am very excited to have Henry here with us. My oldest visited the family who bred them and they let the puppies pick them...
they sat on the floor and waited to see who approached and engaged them. Henry is the largest, and he is reported to be a cuddly baby.
At the ceremony I was vacillating between being drawn into the whole honor of the military service and the insanity of military service. Why kill our best for the sake of the future? But, Papa D was a warrior all of his life. It is what he aspired to and identified with. So, for him that ceremony was an apex moment.
I did not like the firing of the guns.
I loved the playing of Taps.
I was frustrated with the 'tightly choreographed' schedule of the day. I was envious of B#3 and his wife- coming and going as they felt like it. I know that S#5 feels better when there is control...
but I resent being controlled...
my family was upset by her reaction to their wanting to walk across the bridge to the ceremony...
S#5 was frustrated...
I felt really uncomfortable with both reactions.
My SIL felt as if she should apologize.
It was too much.
We are gathering again this weekend for Yoga on the Steps...
it will be more relaxed...
but we do have a dinner reservation...
and then morning schedule to follow.
Remind me to be flexible...
in mind, body, and spirit.
So...
the triangle...
I spoke at meeting about the 3 memorial services...
more importantly about the 3 beings who have passed.
I spoke of each one's tenacity, strength of character, survivorship...
2 things came to my mind...
Each one was a victim of war and interpersonal violence...
and...
Each has equal measure of the Light- they simply manifested it differently.
Those were good beginning lessons. I wait for more insight.
I am traveling and yoga-ing until Sunday...
I will check in then.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
It's been a long and busy week for me as well.
The puppy, Henry, is coming home on June 2. My oldest is adoption this brother, so she and her beloved are picking the two puppies up and bringing them home. I am very excited to have Henry here with us. My oldest visited the family who bred them and they let the puppies pick them...
they sat on the floor and waited to see who approached and engaged them. Henry is the largest, and he is reported to be a cuddly baby.
At the ceremony I was vacillating between being drawn into the whole honor of the military service and the insanity of military service. Why kill our best for the sake of the future? But, Papa D was a warrior all of his life. It is what he aspired to and identified with. So, for him that ceremony was an apex moment.
I did not like the firing of the guns.
I loved the playing of Taps.
I was frustrated with the 'tightly choreographed' schedule of the day. I was envious of B#3 and his wife- coming and going as they felt like it. I know that S#5 feels better when there is control...
but I resent being controlled...
my family was upset by her reaction to their wanting to walk across the bridge to the ceremony...
S#5 was frustrated...
I felt really uncomfortable with both reactions.
My SIL felt as if she should apologize.
It was too much.
We are gathering again this weekend for Yoga on the Steps...
it will be more relaxed...
but we do have a dinner reservation...
and then morning schedule to follow.
Remind me to be flexible...
in mind, body, and spirit.
So...
the triangle...
I spoke at meeting about the 3 memorial services...
more importantly about the 3 beings who have passed.
I spoke of each one's tenacity, strength of character, survivorship...
2 things came to my mind...
Each one was a victim of war and interpersonal violence...
and...
Each has equal measure of the Light- they simply manifested it differently.
Those were good beginning lessons. I wait for more insight.
I am traveling and yoga-ing until Sunday...
I will check in then.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Thursday, May 18, 2017
Settling back into life
Hi Maggie,
Sorry I have been MIA! We left Friday, spent Saturday in DC, visiting the zoo. Sunday was all family. Monday was all ceremony. We got back after midnight. I worked at 5 am Tuesday, S#3 arrived later that day and was here until this morning...and I have worked a full day each day...and that is my excuse! And I had a committee meeting in the middle of all the chaos. And we have our Spring Gathering this weekend!
I saw a picture of your puppy. I was so excited. I told my oldest, "Aunt Maggie got a puppy for Mothers Day!" My beloved child looked at me and said, "You wanted a puppy? We just got you a card."
I don't want a puppy yet. But soon.
I never taught my kids about Mothers Day. Homschooled kids miss so much indoctrination. Mothers Day without Julia Ward Howe's Mothers Day of Peace Declaration is just Hallmark fudge.
Unless there is a puppy...
I saw the video you shared. I cried. I would also like to read the book the two people wrote together.
With your triangle...maybe look in the middle. What is at the center of each, what is at the center of all?
How did you do with the ceremonies we attended?
I felt like a stranger on this planet. I don't understand so much. I think I got lost in it while we were watching the changing of the guard at the tombs of the unknown soldiers. All of the precision was distracting. I think that was the point. You get captivated by that and don't think about the more than 400,000 bodies surrounding you.
And all of the helicopters over the mall, all of the guys in black vests, with wires coming from their ears and down their backs...it felt like a police state. And I didn't feel safe.
I couldn't sleep in the middle of the night. I was thinking about the flashes of thought and insight all weekend long.
Again, back to the changing of the guard. Another thing that struck me was looking around at all the people filming the ceremony. There are going to be a thousand really bad videos, and almost no one with a clear memory, from actually having watched the ceremony.
We live through our electronics, and not in reality...
I started thinking about that. I started thinking about my tablet, which no longer works. My daughter said you can't leave it plugged in all the time. You have to let the battery discharge and refill in order to make it last longer. or some reason I started thinking about our bodies and the ways we fill and refill ourselves. And just as I realized that a smartphone is simply a tool we can use any way we would like...unfortunately, we let it use us...and so, our bodies are also tools we use to help us experience this reality, this planet, this earth.
Seemed pretty profound in the middle of the night...
When does your new baby come home?
Love and hugs from Clare
Sorry I have been MIA! We left Friday, spent Saturday in DC, visiting the zoo. Sunday was all family. Monday was all ceremony. We got back after midnight. I worked at 5 am Tuesday, S#3 arrived later that day and was here until this morning...and I have worked a full day each day...and that is my excuse! And I had a committee meeting in the middle of all the chaos. And we have our Spring Gathering this weekend!
I saw a picture of your puppy. I was so excited. I told my oldest, "Aunt Maggie got a puppy for Mothers Day!" My beloved child looked at me and said, "You wanted a puppy? We just got you a card."
I don't want a puppy yet. But soon.
I never taught my kids about Mothers Day. Homschooled kids miss so much indoctrination. Mothers Day without Julia Ward Howe's Mothers Day of Peace Declaration is just Hallmark fudge.
Unless there is a puppy...
I saw the video you shared. I cried. I would also like to read the book the two people wrote together.
With your triangle...maybe look in the middle. What is at the center of each, what is at the center of all?
How did you do with the ceremonies we attended?
I felt like a stranger on this planet. I don't understand so much. I think I got lost in it while we were watching the changing of the guard at the tombs of the unknown soldiers. All of the precision was distracting. I think that was the point. You get captivated by that and don't think about the more than 400,000 bodies surrounding you.
And all of the helicopters over the mall, all of the guys in black vests, with wires coming from their ears and down their backs...it felt like a police state. And I didn't feel safe.
I couldn't sleep in the middle of the night. I was thinking about the flashes of thought and insight all weekend long.
Again, back to the changing of the guard. Another thing that struck me was looking around at all the people filming the ceremony. There are going to be a thousand really bad videos, and almost no one with a clear memory, from actually having watched the ceremony.
We live through our electronics, and not in reality...
I started thinking about that. I started thinking about my tablet, which no longer works. My daughter said you can't leave it plugged in all the time. You have to let the battery discharge and refill in order to make it last longer. or some reason I started thinking about our bodies and the ways we fill and refill ourselves. And just as I realized that a smartphone is simply a tool we can use any way we would like...unfortunately, we let it use us...and so, our bodies are also tools we use to help us experience this reality, this planet, this earth.
Seemed pretty profound in the middle of the night...
When does your new baby come home?
Love and hugs from Clare
Saturday, May 13, 2017
stunning...and shocking...forgiveness
https://www.ted.com/talks/thordis_elva_tom_stranger_our_story_of_rape_and_reconciliation
This is stunning...
I heard parts of this on NPR...
searched it on TED talks...
and am sharing it with you.
I hope that you can listen to it without too much difficulty. It is hard to hear and yet so empowering. We do need to have a global conversation about sexual violence...
men and women need to be able to talk about this and come to an understanding.
It is vitally important.
What a week.
My 3 funerals have left me wondering what the message is...
a survivor/refugee of war...
a peace activist...
and a warrior...
all 3 dead.
All 3 honored this week.
All 3 had tenacity and perseverance.
All 3 experienced trauma and hardship.
Each in their own way.
What is the lesson?
What am I being shown here?
Why this triangular series of opposites?
There has to be something in this...
I look forward to seeing you tomorrow. I hope you are having a good trip.
Love and Light,
Maggie
This is stunning...
I heard parts of this on NPR...
searched it on TED talks...
and am sharing it with you.
I hope that you can listen to it without too much difficulty. It is hard to hear and yet so empowering. We do need to have a global conversation about sexual violence...
men and women need to be able to talk about this and come to an understanding.
It is vitally important.
What a week.
My 3 funerals have left me wondering what the message is...
a survivor/refugee of war...
a peace activist...
and a warrior...
all 3 dead.
All 3 honored this week.
All 3 had tenacity and perseverance.
All 3 experienced trauma and hardship.
Each in their own way.
What is the lesson?
What am I being shown here?
Why this triangular series of opposites?
There has to be something in this...
I look forward to seeing you tomorrow. I hope you are having a good trip.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Thursday, May 11, 2017
tough day
Clare,
Tough day...
it shouldn't have been tough...
but I feel wiped out emotionally and physically.
I attended the monthly board meeting for my nonprofit...
it was a great meeting...
we decided to devote 30 minutes to development each month...
we had some great discussion today.
As we were talking about what my agency does I had an image of an umbrella or a tree collecting water and dripping it where it needed to go...and then the ripples moving outward concentrically from the drip.
That's what we do...
We empower groups to make a difference.
After the meeting I had to quickly run to the funeral. The old friend who died last week...
S#3 and I met at the church...
we stood in the receiving line...
her mother was there...
talking with people.
She took a minute or two to study my face...
and then I said my name and she remembered me. She was so grateful that S#3 and I came to the service. The service was a typical christian service...
a lot of "we- the redeemed" will all have a family reunion someday...
only through Jesus is the afterlife good.
Anyway...
S#3 and I left after the service...
we did not stay to speak with anyone.
A niece and nephew of my friend spoke...
about her love of pictures- she took thousands...
she had them developed...
the Walmart photo booth clerk was in attendance because she and my friend became friends...
it was quite a cute story.
It seems she lived to care for children, animals, and a garden...
she loved arts and crafts...
she smiled generously.
No one spoke of the cause of her death...
or suffering.
They did mention that she would no longer be crippled by polio...
which made people smile.
I wish I could have heard her voice...
or asked her questions about her life.
but that is a lesson for life...
seek out the opportunities to connect.
After the service I drove to a park that we are helping to restore. It was rainy and about 50 degrees. We had worked there on Tuesday and prepped an area for a perennial garden. Today the local store delivered retaining wall stone. The ladies in charge started to build the wall and made it too large...
and they ran out of block after just 1.5 layers into it. Instead of stopping and waiting for my return they decided to pour topsoil/compost into what they already had...
so I cannot take it all apart without a mess. They are worried because their budget won't cover enough stones to build it at this size...
I don't know what to do...
but it is their choice...
I'm standing by to wait for their decisions.
I wish they had more patience today.
I came home furious...
my youngest decided to call himself in absent today...
He's 18 now...
except he goes to parochial school and you'r a kid until you graduate.
He has had some many absences...
I'm concerned that they will not give him a diploma.
They sent a letter saying that students with excessive absences would have to make up time over the summer...
then they'll get the real diploma.
I don't want to have to wake him up all summer for make up time!
When I got home he had a friend here...
they rearranged his room...
and added a futon and a small couch to his room.
He wants to create a viewing room with a projector and all the accessories.
I wanted to throw shit out the window I was so mad.
I think that 2 weeks of steroids is taking a toll on me...
it may be helping my ankle and the swelling.
But it's not helping my disposition!
Oh well...
enough complaining.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Tough day...
it shouldn't have been tough...
but I feel wiped out emotionally and physically.
I attended the monthly board meeting for my nonprofit...
it was a great meeting...
we decided to devote 30 minutes to development each month...
we had some great discussion today.
As we were talking about what my agency does I had an image of an umbrella or a tree collecting water and dripping it where it needed to go...and then the ripples moving outward concentrically from the drip.
That's what we do...
We empower groups to make a difference.
After the meeting I had to quickly run to the funeral. The old friend who died last week...
S#3 and I met at the church...
we stood in the receiving line...
her mother was there...
talking with people.
She took a minute or two to study my face...
and then I said my name and she remembered me. She was so grateful that S#3 and I came to the service. The service was a typical christian service...
a lot of "we- the redeemed" will all have a family reunion someday...
only through Jesus is the afterlife good.
Anyway...
S#3 and I left after the service...
we did not stay to speak with anyone.
A niece and nephew of my friend spoke...
about her love of pictures- she took thousands...
she had them developed...
the Walmart photo booth clerk was in attendance because she and my friend became friends...
it was quite a cute story.
It seems she lived to care for children, animals, and a garden...
she loved arts and crafts...
she smiled generously.
No one spoke of the cause of her death...
or suffering.
They did mention that she would no longer be crippled by polio...
which made people smile.
I wish I could have heard her voice...
or asked her questions about her life.
but that is a lesson for life...
seek out the opportunities to connect.
After the service I drove to a park that we are helping to restore. It was rainy and about 50 degrees. We had worked there on Tuesday and prepped an area for a perennial garden. Today the local store delivered retaining wall stone. The ladies in charge started to build the wall and made it too large...
and they ran out of block after just 1.5 layers into it. Instead of stopping and waiting for my return they decided to pour topsoil/compost into what they already had...
so I cannot take it all apart without a mess. They are worried because their budget won't cover enough stones to build it at this size...
I don't know what to do...
but it is their choice...
I'm standing by to wait for their decisions.
I wish they had more patience today.
I came home furious...
my youngest decided to call himself in absent today...
He's 18 now...
except he goes to parochial school and you'r a kid until you graduate.
He has had some many absences...
I'm concerned that they will not give him a diploma.
They sent a letter saying that students with excessive absences would have to make up time over the summer...
then they'll get the real diploma.
I don't want to have to wake him up all summer for make up time!
When I got home he had a friend here...
they rearranged his room...
and added a futon and a small couch to his room.
He wants to create a viewing room with a projector and all the accessories.
I wanted to throw shit out the window I was so mad.
I think that 2 weeks of steroids is taking a toll on me...
it may be helping my ankle and the swelling.
But it's not helping my disposition!
Oh well...
enough complaining.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
bad haircut
Hi Mags,
I'm so sorry about all the loss. I saw the obituary, and wondered if it was the little girl with polio. In my mind she was still little. Isn't that weird. It's like I leave people and expect them to be exactly the same...I also watched the video her mom made about adoption. I was surprised that the daughter never said a word. She just sat and was there...I wondered if she felt like that during her life.
I mowed my lawn today. I killed a small garter snake. I was so sorry, so sad. I hate to kill. But I did look it up. Snake has to do with sacred mysteries and transformation. Garter snake, one source said, has to do with deceit and jealousy.
Tomorrow is full moon. I had a stray thought about running naked in the full moon tomorrow night. Wouldn't that be a transformation?
That is the fun of getting old. Nobody knows. Nobody notices...Old women are invisible!
I am basically bushwhacking the yard. It has been raining so much, and the grass is so deep and thick and wet. It is a good workout to muscle the mower through. The front yard is about three-quarters mowed. I surveyed my work as I was done, and I thought, "This looks like what unsupervised siblings do to each other's hair..."
Then I remembered the haircuts I gave you and the other three girls.
I traumatized S#4. I think she quit Girl Scouts rather than go out in public with her haircut.
But, in my own defense, Dad told me to give you each a haircut. I blame him!
Maybe I am psychologically preparing for his service. We said bring the funny stories. And you know, the traumatic stories are often funny.
I think I will take credit for S#4's career. She became a hairdresser to make sure nothing like what I did ever happened to her again!!
Time for a shower and bed...Love and hugs from Clare
I'm so sorry about all the loss. I saw the obituary, and wondered if it was the little girl with polio. In my mind she was still little. Isn't that weird. It's like I leave people and expect them to be exactly the same...I also watched the video her mom made about adoption. I was surprised that the daughter never said a word. She just sat and was there...I wondered if she felt like that during her life.
I mowed my lawn today. I killed a small garter snake. I was so sorry, so sad. I hate to kill. But I did look it up. Snake has to do with sacred mysteries and transformation. Garter snake, one source said, has to do with deceit and jealousy.
Tomorrow is full moon. I had a stray thought about running naked in the full moon tomorrow night. Wouldn't that be a transformation?
That is the fun of getting old. Nobody knows. Nobody notices...Old women are invisible!
I am basically bushwhacking the yard. It has been raining so much, and the grass is so deep and thick and wet. It is a good workout to muscle the mower through. The front yard is about three-quarters mowed. I surveyed my work as I was done, and I thought, "This looks like what unsupervised siblings do to each other's hair..."
Then I remembered the haircuts I gave you and the other three girls.
I traumatized S#4. I think she quit Girl Scouts rather than go out in public with her haircut.
But, in my own defense, Dad told me to give you each a haircut. I blame him!
Maybe I am psychologically preparing for his service. We said bring the funny stories. And you know, the traumatic stories are often funny.
I think I will take credit for S#4's career. She became a hairdresser to make sure nothing like what I did ever happened to her again!!
Time for a shower and bed...Love and hugs from Clare
Sunday, May 7, 2017
that makes 3
Clare,
I love that...
bigger tables...
that means more opening...
mores socializing...
more sharing...
all good things.
The weekend retreat was fun. I tis good to catch up with friends. Each of the 9 meetings of the quarter give an update during business meeting.
Ours was about loss...
3 members moved...
3 died...
It was a big transitional year for our Meeting.
My Friend's memorial service is Saturday. I miss her very much. She was a second mother to me for the past 10 years.I miss her strong, independent ways. I dread going to her memorial...
It will make me miss her even more.
I had a strong recollection of a friend from middle school this week. Do you remember the refugee from Viet Nam that was adopted by a local woman? This young girl had suffered from Polio and I was asked to help her get from class to class. Her English was very poor, but she had the sweetest smile and was always deeply appreciative.
I thought of her this past week...
wondering what she is doing...
wondering if I could ever find out how her life is going.
Today her obituary appeared on the book of face.
I felt so strangely sad. I hadn't thought about her in decades. And now I have a sense of sadness. I read a book about the Hmong people from Viet Nam for my Masters...
it said that when they die their should go back to all of their former homes to gather the pieces they've left behind. I wonder if she revisited this week to reclaim that bit of our brief history. That is a very positive part of my history. This girl's mom took me, another girl who helped, and this girl to the beach during the summer. It was the first time I ever saw the ocean. S#3 saw the obituary and sent it to me...she and I are going to attend the service together this week. It will be good. S#3 sweetly reminded me of how much I'd done for this young woman...but, I think, she did much for me. She gave me an opportunity to be of service and generous with my time, to show my compassionate side during middle school when everyone is trying to conform and not stand out. Perhaps she is one of the reasons I chose to work in professional that help others...that part of me was noticed and nurtured.
That's what success depends upon- noticing the gifts and nurturing the talents.
So that makes 3 memorial services this week. I should be all cried out by the end of this week. It will be good to see everyone next weekend though.
I'll check in with you tomorrow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I love that...
bigger tables...
that means more opening...
mores socializing...
more sharing...
all good things.
The weekend retreat was fun. I tis good to catch up with friends. Each of the 9 meetings of the quarter give an update during business meeting.
Ours was about loss...
3 members moved...
3 died...
It was a big transitional year for our Meeting.
My Friend's memorial service is Saturday. I miss her very much. She was a second mother to me for the past 10 years.I miss her strong, independent ways. I dread going to her memorial...
It will make me miss her even more.
I had a strong recollection of a friend from middle school this week. Do you remember the refugee from Viet Nam that was adopted by a local woman? This young girl had suffered from Polio and I was asked to help her get from class to class. Her English was very poor, but she had the sweetest smile and was always deeply appreciative.
I thought of her this past week...
wondering what she is doing...
wondering if I could ever find out how her life is going.
Today her obituary appeared on the book of face.
I felt so strangely sad. I hadn't thought about her in decades. And now I have a sense of sadness. I read a book about the Hmong people from Viet Nam for my Masters...
it said that when they die their should go back to all of their former homes to gather the pieces they've left behind. I wonder if she revisited this week to reclaim that bit of our brief history. That is a very positive part of my history. This girl's mom took me, another girl who helped, and this girl to the beach during the summer. It was the first time I ever saw the ocean. S#3 saw the obituary and sent it to me...she and I are going to attend the service together this week. It will be good. S#3 sweetly reminded me of how much I'd done for this young woman...but, I think, she did much for me. She gave me an opportunity to be of service and generous with my time, to show my compassionate side during middle school when everyone is trying to conform and not stand out. Perhaps she is one of the reasons I chose to work in professional that help others...that part of me was noticed and nurtured.
That's what success depends upon- noticing the gifts and nurturing the talents.
So that makes 3 memorial services this week. I should be all cried out by the end of this week. It will be good to see everyone next weekend though.
I'll check in with you tomorrow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
a bigger table
Hi Maggie,
Thanks for the birthday wishes. I had a nice weekend...I didn't feel specially singled out, I felt like a part of the group. It was nice.
On Friday night a Friend came to visit, and ended up staying for dinner. All of the other plans for the weekend went as predicted.
Brunch was fun today. I wasn't sure how many would be here. Someone popped in late just as we were setting the table. Then as we sat down, there was another car, so we started running around and gathering more place settings and chairs. As everyone was settled, some said, "There's someone else here..."
I need a bigger table.
I love that - I need a bigger table. It mean that I am feeding more people. More people are joining me!
I guess that is what I hope to take into the next year - I need a bigger table!
One of my room-mates from college was here for the weekend. We had dinner with my oldest daughter, youngest son, and his love. We were remembering things from so long ago. Her version was different than mine, and I felt like my kids were getting to know me. She talked about how we would cook up what was in the freezer and invite people in for dinner. We did have a lot of dinners.
I guess even then we wanted to feed others.
And we talked a lot about family dysfunction. Comparing. Exposing - maybe for the first time, to each other...I told some of our family secrets. She reciprocated. We caught up on history...
The permaculture leading is moving forward!
Have fun leading the gathering.If you need a shoulder you know where to find me!
Love and hugs from Clare
Thanks for the birthday wishes. I had a nice weekend...I didn't feel specially singled out, I felt like a part of the group. It was nice.
On Friday night a Friend came to visit, and ended up staying for dinner. All of the other plans for the weekend went as predicted.
Brunch was fun today. I wasn't sure how many would be here. Someone popped in late just as we were setting the table. Then as we sat down, there was another car, so we started running around and gathering more place settings and chairs. As everyone was settled, some said, "There's someone else here..."
I need a bigger table.
I love that - I need a bigger table. It mean that I am feeding more people. More people are joining me!
I guess that is what I hope to take into the next year - I need a bigger table!
One of my room-mates from college was here for the weekend. We had dinner with my oldest daughter, youngest son, and his love. We were remembering things from so long ago. Her version was different than mine, and I felt like my kids were getting to know me. She talked about how we would cook up what was in the freezer and invite people in for dinner. We did have a lot of dinners.
I guess even then we wanted to feed others.
And we talked a lot about family dysfunction. Comparing. Exposing - maybe for the first time, to each other...I told some of our family secrets. She reciprocated. We caught up on history...
The permaculture leading is moving forward!
Have fun leading the gathering.If you need a shoulder you know where to find me!
Love and hugs from Clare
Saturday, May 6, 2017
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!!!
I wish you a very happy birthday.
It will be good to see you next weekend at Papa D's service.
I also have a busy Quaker weekend. It is our quarter's spring gathering/retreat. Unfortunately I have conflicting schedule issues. I ran to the retreat this am...
my youngest is doing child care for service hours...
of course he ran in at the last minute...
he's late for everything.
I stayed for worship and business meeting.
Then I ran about 20 miles back to a suicide awareness event.
I spent 2 hours selling tickets for chances on baskets...
it was fun...
but there were kids hanging...
excited by the potential of winning...
but I felt so trapped by them.
I felt Papa D coming up in me...
I asked them to give me space several times...
some things are deeply ingrained.
Then I ran back to the Quaker retreat...
this is a big transition for me...
my Monthly meeting takes responsibility for the planning of the retreat for the next 2 years...
and I'm the natural person to clerk this.
I've been on the planning committee for 8 years...
I have taken responsibility for the workshops...
so I am ready to take this on.
But, that means that I will be tied up for the next 2 years- first weekend in May...
but it will be good for me.
I hope that you are enjoying your day.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I wish you a very happy birthday.
It will be good to see you next weekend at Papa D's service.
I also have a busy Quaker weekend. It is our quarter's spring gathering/retreat. Unfortunately I have conflicting schedule issues. I ran to the retreat this am...
my youngest is doing child care for service hours...
of course he ran in at the last minute...
he's late for everything.
I stayed for worship and business meeting.
Then I ran about 20 miles back to a suicide awareness event.
I spent 2 hours selling tickets for chances on baskets...
it was fun...
but there were kids hanging...
excited by the potential of winning...
but I felt so trapped by them.
I felt Papa D coming up in me...
I asked them to give me space several times...
some things are deeply ingrained.
Then I ran back to the Quaker retreat...
this is a big transition for me...
my Monthly meeting takes responsibility for the planning of the retreat for the next 2 years...
and I'm the natural person to clerk this.
I've been on the planning committee for 8 years...
I have taken responsibility for the workshops...
so I am ready to take this on.
But, that means that I will be tied up for the next 2 years- first weekend in May...
but it will be good for me.
I hope that you are enjoying your day.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Thursday, May 4, 2017
getting older...
Hi Maggie,
If class is out, does that mean you have a lighter schedule until August?
It is interesting that you noticed light swelling in your ankle before the pop. The universe does give us warnings if we pay attention.
I have been Quaker-busy. I am on the committee that grants monies for Friends going to FGC in July. And our meeting is organizing a farewell picnic for the Friend who is leaving. And someone in our meeting is following a leading against industrial meats. And I am working on exploring permaculture on our nature preserve.
I am sure it is all interconnected.
And it is almost my birthday. I have a hard time every year. It's not because I am getting older, although I am having a hard time remembering my age! But I don't like to be the center of the fuss.. After last year, though, it is easier.
This year one of my room-mates from college is coming to visit. On Saturday night we will have dinner with my oldest daughter and youngest son. On Sunday I am making a brunch for a few friends, my youngest, and maybe my middle kid and his family.
It sounds sweet and quiet and intimate.
I remember Grammy said that after you get to a certain age, early adult, you just feel the same - never older or younger. It doesn't seem like you are aging. I kind of feel like that...except my joints are a bit stiffer first thing in the morning.
Oh well...
And, I have been talking to a man in another country for years. well, we stopped for a year and a half, then started up again. We have been practicing setting boundaries. This may be the first time in my life I have been able to note and speak up when a boundary has been crossed.
This is scaring the crap out of me...
Sending love and hugs,
Clare
If class is out, does that mean you have a lighter schedule until August?
It is interesting that you noticed light swelling in your ankle before the pop. The universe does give us warnings if we pay attention.
I have been Quaker-busy. I am on the committee that grants monies for Friends going to FGC in July. And our meeting is organizing a farewell picnic for the Friend who is leaving. And someone in our meeting is following a leading against industrial meats. And I am working on exploring permaculture on our nature preserve.
I am sure it is all interconnected.
And it is almost my birthday. I have a hard time every year. It's not because I am getting older, although I am having a hard time remembering my age! But I don't like to be the center of the fuss.. After last year, though, it is easier.
This year one of my room-mates from college is coming to visit. On Saturday night we will have dinner with my oldest daughter and youngest son. On Sunday I am making a brunch for a few friends, my youngest, and maybe my middle kid and his family.
It sounds sweet and quiet and intimate.
I remember Grammy said that after you get to a certain age, early adult, you just feel the same - never older or younger. It doesn't seem like you are aging. I kind of feel like that...except my joints are a bit stiffer first thing in the morning.
Oh well...
And, I have been talking to a man in another country for years. well, we stopped for a year and a half, then started up again. We have been practicing setting boundaries. This may be the first time in my life I have been able to note and speak up when a boundary has been crossed.
This is scaring the crap out of me...
Sending love and hugs,
Clare
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
I must...
Clare,
I really liked the rejection video...
don't run and hide...
ask Why?
explore options and opinions...
What a great talk.
I think I told you that I hurt my ankle dancing at nephew's wedding. I am immobilized in a removable boot. I wear it when I am weight bearing, but take it off to ice, sleep, etc...
the ankle feels much better...
except one area...
where I believe the tendon tore.
It's amazing...
there's no bruising.
But this tendon notoriously tears because it has very little blood supply at one particular area...
the area of the presumed tear.
I am on steroids to decrease swelling...
they make me feel anxious.
I did not sleep well on them last night...
heart burn and energy surging through my brain and body.
I am afraid that the healing of this injury will include surgery...
more invasive...
but much faster healing time.
I just want to move freely.
I know...
mu body is telling me to slow down.
I ignored about 6 months of pain and mild swelling in this area...
when my body whispered I ignored it...
iced it...
massaged it...
kept on going.
I don't have time to slow down...
but I must.
Class is over for the semester...
all students passed...
The one that was not doing well dropped it after 6 weeks- the first assignment.
I will miss these students.
I learn a lot from my students...
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I really liked the rejection video...
don't run and hide...
ask Why?
explore options and opinions...
What a great talk.
I think I told you that I hurt my ankle dancing at nephew's wedding. I am immobilized in a removable boot. I wear it when I am weight bearing, but take it off to ice, sleep, etc...
the ankle feels much better...
except one area...
where I believe the tendon tore.
It's amazing...
there's no bruising.
But this tendon notoriously tears because it has very little blood supply at one particular area...
the area of the presumed tear.
I am on steroids to decrease swelling...
they make me feel anxious.
I did not sleep well on them last night...
heart burn and energy surging through my brain and body.
I am afraid that the healing of this injury will include surgery...
more invasive...
but much faster healing time.
I just want to move freely.
I know...
mu body is telling me to slow down.
I ignored about 6 months of pain and mild swelling in this area...
when my body whispered I ignored it...
iced it...
massaged it...
kept on going.
I don't have time to slow down...
but I must.
Class is over for the semester...
all students passed...
The one that was not doing well dropped it after 6 weeks- the first assignment.
I will miss these students.
I learn a lot from my students...
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, May 1, 2017
rejection
Hi Maggie,
Tornado watch at my house. I can hear the thunder in the far distance. And because of technology, I know what it is, and where it is.
I was thinking about the olden days when people didn't know. This would have been a shock.
I think I may have a new favorite TED talk. I would never fully abandon Brene, but this one...
https://www.ted.com/talks/jia_jiang_what_i_learned_from_100_days_of_rejection
...this one is perfect, too.
The speaker, Jia Jiang, talks about rejection and how it scars us. And how it continues to manipulate the way we react, even as adults. And so he set up 100 tasks for himself, expecting to be rejected every time, so that he would learn not to fear rejection.
He said after the first request, he ran. Then he decided he would not run. He learned to ask why. He learned to acknowledge that his requests were weird, and so people trusted him.
He did it all with laughter - at himself, and at the human condition.
Getting dark outside. Going to get off.
Love and hugs from Clare
Tornado watch at my house. I can hear the thunder in the far distance. And because of technology, I know what it is, and where it is.
I was thinking about the olden days when people didn't know. This would have been a shock.
I think I may have a new favorite TED talk. I would never fully abandon Brene, but this one...
https://www.ted.com/talks/jia_jiang_what_i_learned_from_100_days_of_rejection
...this one is perfect, too.
The speaker, Jia Jiang, talks about rejection and how it scars us. And how it continues to manipulate the way we react, even as adults. And so he set up 100 tasks for himself, expecting to be rejected every time, so that he would learn not to fear rejection.
He said after the first request, he ran. Then he decided he would not run. He learned to ask why. He learned to acknowledge that his requests were weird, and so people trusted him.
He did it all with laughter - at himself, and at the human condition.
Getting dark outside. Going to get off.
Love and hugs from Clare
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