weepy

Hi Sister!

I have been warring with my computer all week.  It is finally working, but I still think it needs to visit the shop and have a thorough going-over.

But I am back...

So we got the word on S-I-L today.  It has spread. It is terminal.  They are making the decision - radiation and chemo or pain management.

That is a lot to face.

And just as a coincidence, today, while I was working on the course you suggested, we were asked to watch a video...I happened to be listening to Tug McGraw's Live Like You Were Dying.

"...And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying"
And he said
"Someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying."

(-Craig Michael Wiseman, James Timothy Nichols, Tim Nichols)

And I started crying.  And I could feel myself softening.  Maybe we aren't knowingly dying right this moment, but can we still learn from those around us?  Can we be sweeter, deeper, more vulnerable?

Being at Dad's birthday party was poignant...kind of like that terrible beauty we have mentioned before.  Many of us knew it was the last time we would see him in this lifetime.  It sort of made us be more present.  We were sort of seeing each other.

I noticed many people had their picture taken with him. I didn't.  I took some of him with Mom.  But none with me. Then I was thinking...I don't remember having any pictures of the two of us...not since I was a toddler.  We are in pictures together, but none just the two of us, none with his arm over my shoulder, like the one of him with my daughter.

We just weren't like that... 

So I'm wondering if we can do something to celebrate our S-I-L. I mentioned it to S#3 and S#5. But I don't have any firm ideas. Except ask her daughters.  Don't forget to get deeper with and include our other S-I-L.  Maybe some of us there, some of us on Skype...especially her oldest.  Maybe karaoke...serenade her.  Maybe a shower.  We have wedding showers, baby showers, why not dying showers. Get her journals and books, movies, subscriptions, scrapbooks...music...lotions and potions...slippers...

I am crying again.

Why not celebrate her while she is here to enjoy it and laugh at us.

Am I being too weird? I don't know.   I don't like being celebrated, but it is good for me.   It breaks some of the brittle inside of me.  

I think I am going to listen to Tug McGraw and weep, then get on with my day...I have begun a course on positive psychology.  Maybe I will get a deeper understanding of resilience.

Love and hugs from Clare