waiting...breathing

Clare,

So many questions...
the first thing on my mind is your question about B#1's wife. Since I first heard of her extensive pneumonia and copious drainage I have felt there is an underlying carcinoma.
It has made me wonder about her...
and her smoking habit.
B#1 told me smoking is the first thing she does in the morning and the last thing before she sleeps.
I wonder what she is numbing to that extent?
I think the PET scan has indicated cancer...
with spread to the lymph nodes.
I think she is gravely ill.
I feel that she is dying...
but I hate saying that about someone my age.
I think she will undergo radiation and chemo and have a bit of reprieve but in the end she will succumb.

I asked my reiki healer about brother's wife...
she said,"she is a keeper of many secrets."
I've never really had a conversation with her...
in 30 years I have not known much about her.
She hates it when the girls show any cleavage...
that's the running joke when we know she will be present- cover up the chest!
Do you know her?

I worry very much about the financial implications...
but human life is precious...
so cost concerns come later.
It took us almost 2 years of monthly payments to pay our 20% co-pay for daughter#2's NICU week after birth. B#4 spent quite a while paying installments towards his ex-wife's hospitalization (while they were still married).

So, for B#1, I want to explain how the fear involved in hearing the words, "you have cancer" has to slowly transmute into thoughtful choices. I've been remembering how horrible it was for me to wait a week for the MRI after my mammogram showed abnormalities. And even worse was the wait for the biopsy after the MRI. And then having to wait for biopsy results. And then having to wait a month for surgery...
I wanted it all done in a day or two.
I wanted the cancer out of my body.
But, though the delays were challenging, they gave me the opportunity to think and choose.
And breathe...most importantly breathe...and share with family.

I cannot remember what the response was to my cancer news...
I seem to remember a number of pledges to be there for me...
it all has melted into one foggy space. But when I hear the sentence "You have cancer" I still have a wave of emotions flood over me and I tear up.

I cannot remember much of my hospitalization or early recovery. I've had friends tell me about visiting with food and I cannot recall their time with me. But, in my heart of hearts, I know they cared for, and about, me.

We can hold B#1 and his family, and his wife in the Light...
we can expect good and rough times.
we can learn to care for, and about, each other to a greater extent.

I had an interesting conversation yesterday with the wife of our second cousin. Her husband is the son of Mama's cousin. Mama did not know it, but her cousin died just before Thanksgiving. That is sad but was not the interesting part. This woman told me that her husband's cousin was given a handwritten book that belonged to his grandmother with the family history back to the 1700s. I've asked her to share that cousin's contact information- so that I can share it with you. She said that she had scanned it previously, so may have an electronic copy of the whole document. That would be amazing.
This woman, that I met with, is collaborating on the inclusive classroom, for teen moms and their babies, that we are developing. I really like her and she is very generously guiding and supporting the effort.

I hope that all is well at your home.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie