where I am right now...

Clare,

When I read...
That boulder that broke my heart. I do believe it is gone. I even feel free enough to love Dad.  Finally.

I got a tear...
a choked up a bit.

I have to think about the stories. The first that comes to mind was the story about him, at 16, telling his principal that he was quitting school. The story continued that he was so disruptive and difficult that the principal produced the papers and encouraged him to fill them out...
the reason that sticks with me is because I realized that my youngest has those same tendencies...
it's not pathology...
it's hereditary.

How do I feel...
I agree the memorial service was about Mama...
we made sure she was part of every decision.
She asked for an Ave Maria...
and Eagles' Wings...
she chose the readings...
and invited anyone who wanted to be a part into the service.
I made sure at least one person from each family was on the alter...
that was my neurotic impulse, but an important one with such a large family.

I feel as each story unfolded, was told, the listener put a positive spin on it...
focusing on the humor of Papa's activities...
rather than the pain of the memory.
It helped me to relocate that memory into a different part of my brain. B#3 tried to speak of Papa's impatience during our discussion at the funeral home...
the funeral director cut him off, nicely, but definitely cut him off.
I asked B#3 to speak about Papa during the funeral...
S#5 and I both watched his face...
wanting to be asked...
but lacking the courage to speak up...
so I spoke for him.
He agreed- as long as we all helped him to remember.
The next day I heard him tell his sons he was asked to do it...
kind of minimizing his place in the whole thing.
But he rocked it...
he did a great job...
and he was able to say, out loud, that Papa was a "tough old son of a gun"...
or something like that.

After I left for the hotel, Friday night, I silently asked Papa if he now knew our legacy of hurting each other through the lifetimes...
I came to a calmer understanding that we had done much better this lifetime.
Neither of us killed the other...
that's a definite improvement!

There is so much to think about...
and reconsider from this perspective.
What happened in our lives was difficult...
truly traumatic...
but perhaps it is time to heal and move on.
I think that's where I am right now.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie