free at last?

Hi Maggie,

I hope there is a space, either here or in our life, where I can hear the stories you heard.  You said you learned new things several times. I want to learn them also.

Everything was too rushed for me.  Getting organized, just remembering to bring shoes. Making sure everyone knew who was going where and when.  Got everything together, found out my oldest son was coming...

I had no idea I was going to walk into a full family reunion when I was told to come to S#5's house.  I was exhausted, droopy, but I stayed.  It was good to be there.

Got back to Mom's late.  Had to sleep on an air mattress that leaked...the baby threw up...up at 2:00 am to help her Mama...up at 5:00 to take a shower and dress and get to the airport by 6:15.  Then the funeral and talking and food and talking and more time in the car and home late and up early this morning to work, and a committee meeting tonight, another tomorrow..I have not had time to feel.

I still don't know how I feel.

The funeral was nice, but I didn't feel Dad. I felt Mom. But that is okay, because the funeral is for those of us who are left. I finally felt Dad when they played Taps.

The family felt different.  There was still drama and gossip...B#2, B#4's oldest, S#4's oldest...but the energy was different. It was like Dad's dour judgmentalism, and the past memories of abuse, had lifted and we could be real. We could be affectionate with Mom.  We could invite her places and she could be happy to accept.

It was like we could look at each other, maybe for the first time.

We could breathe.

I sort of asked Dad what it was all about. I kind of got the answer - this, these people. This is what it is about.

It is all about connection. The abuse broke all of our connections. The abuser is gone, maybe we can reach out. I know the cousins were excited to be reunited.  They hope to stay connected.

Maybe our generation can too. I felt more connected to the brothers than ever before.

That boulder that broke my heart. I do believe it is gone.  I even feel free enough to love Dad. Finally.

How are you feeling?

Love and hugs from Clare