dream on

Hi Maggie,

How did your procedure go? Are you all boobaliciously bouncy again??

I know you were involved in last night's drama, because S#5 told me you talked her down.  Nice job, sister!  I think we will have more and more of these nights until Dad passes.

The gift is that I had a chance to talk to all of my kids in one day. I made plans with two of them, tentative plans with another. Mom-score!  It is too bad that it takes impending tragedy to bond this family...

(Last night's events - Mom thought Dad was having a stroke, took him to the local hospital. His brain was clear, but the docs discovered a mass in his hip.  He has been complaining about pain in his hip for at least a week.  They diagnosed an abscess, which will be removed early tomorrow morning.)

You spoke of fortitude and resilience in your last post.  What I remember is how Mom took over and ran the family completely on her own every time the army sent Dad away. She was strong. She was together. I wonder if she has forgotten. I was surprised when I learned she stayed with S#5 the last time Dad was in the hospital.

I attended the dream webinar last night, which was a teaser for a course. If I had spare change, I would probably attend. In the meantime, I can work on my own.  The course leader, Robert Moss, said anyone who dreams is at least a little bit shaman.  He said dreams are the way our soul talks to us.  It was all very thought-provoking. My first step, I think, is to get a dream journal, and start being organized about my awareness.

So something is going on with me and men.  I think I mentioned that at Thanksgiving, my ex reminded me that he loves me.  It was unexpected, but absolutely not an invitation back into any kind of a life together. Just an acknowledgement of our connection.  And today my college sweetheart sent me an email asking me about our relationship. What did he do that was good? What hurt me? I wrote a return email, and feel all soft and gooey inside.

And I have had an ongoing email pen-pal type relationship with a man who is gay.  This has been going on for about 8 years. We have never met, but we have talked a lot, and emailed a lot, and we know each other well. He has been in a marital relationship with the same man for about 25 years.  Today I got an email talking about how close we are, and that he feels like we never run out of things to talk about.  The only other person he feels this way about is his partner.

And then...I met a man on the bus last summer.  He has been calling and messaging regularly, reminding me of how much he likes me.  And finally, there is the man I Skype with.  We have been friends for about four years.  There have been moments of "I wonder..." mostly followed by - we are just friends. Both are very intelligent, but relationships would be so much work.  And one would be a soap opera.

I feel like I am getting choosy, when there really aren't many choices. Do I want to be alone? Maybe.  But the gift of the exchanged notes with my college sweetheart is that I remember how easy that relationship was. It was a lot of pleasure, and not a lot of pain or drama. It was just easy.

I don't know what is going on, but it seems there is a lot of male energy reaching out and assuring me. All at once.

Maybe I will dream on it and see if I can find wisdom.

Love and hugs from Clare