returned from retreat

Clare,

I am back...
back to life...
back to reality...
slightly altered by my learning.
I learned a lot this weekend.
Your dream was reinforced by one of the lessons...
humans are hard wired for connection.
We learn from mirroring others...
we learn by mimicking others...
we learn to move our faces, babble, feed ourselves, crawl, walk, talk, calm, love...
all by mirroring others.
Unless, those who we are to mirror are confusing, threatening, hurtful, not trustworthy.
Then we are left to our own devices.

The course I took was lighthearted, experiential, humane...
despite its heavy topic- Trauma
The presenters made a strong effort to allow connection and a sense of connection develop. Friday evening we 'milled about'...
moving around the room singly, randomly, and then in pairs, then in groups up to 8+ people. By Saturday morning you had 8 people who knew each others' names and a few things about them...
none of that awkward alone feeling that happens.
Kripalu has a silent breakfast everyday...
I'm not a morning person so I loved that.
Yoga at 6:30 each morning...
Mandala drawing (a woman spoke of losing her son- mine might fight a lot, but at least he's alive to fight with)...
sitting with a guru.
That was an interesting experience.
Saturday evening I went to a room with "The Unshakable Presence" on the door. There were 20 or so people gathered in a half circle on cushions and chairs. I sat near the front- no other spaces left.
We chanted...
the Guru told her story of spiritual journeying...
finding an ashram in India and experiencing enlightenment.
She then invited people to speak of what they are 'grappling' with in life.
Four people spoke about issues in their lives...
then I found myself raising my hand...
I suddenly had to talk about my apathy/lack of empathy about Papa's cancer and illness. I explained my clinical interest, but there is no feeling behind the interest. I am detached from his pain and suffering. She basically told me that the expectations of "what is supposed to be happening" has been set up by me- no one else. Tears flowed freely down my face. I was unashamedly feeling- relief.
I was feeling...
my heart went from being as tight as a clenched fist...
to feeling empty...
to feeling gratitude.
I felt...

My friend, who I traveled with had to tell me it was a bunch of bullshit...
she pegged this guru as a fake...
it doesn't matter if she's legitimate or fake...
I felt something.

Our trauma healing program is scheduled to begin next Wednesday...
so far no one has called to inquire or sign up.
I am not discouraged.
I know it is a good and necessary program.
We have to figure out how to market it and spread the word.
I'm offering it up...
surrender it to the universe to bring those who are meant to be with us to the door.
I trust.

I had my aura photographed...
it was so interesting.
I was afraid it would be dull and colorless...
it was vibrant yellow and green with a rim of orangish red...
It was beautifulI will send it to you in an email...it's easier than uploading it here.
The reader said that yellow auras are mainly connected to their thinking selves- big thinkers, logical, number oriented, scientists, they like to acquire facts/knowledge to increase their comfort, not spontaneous, positive energy. They prefer intellectual pursuit to personal contact...
that is close to me. The green is about healing and connection to others...

So, that's all that I can remember from the weekend...
more will come to me.
Love and Light beautiful sister...
Thanks for the birthday wishes,
Maggie