I can understand the exhaustion, although I think you have a lot more right to feel that way. I am just going through my normal motions. But I am so sleepy. Everything feels like it takes so much effort.
I got all weepy talking to a manager today. I didn't let go or emote in anyway, but the cool thing was that as soon as we were done talking, I grabbed my boots and coat and went out and walked. It was instinctive, not preplanned.
I haven't walked much since I was so sick in October.
But something inside knows I need to get outside, to be outside. And for some reason, I listened. I am pretty impressed with myself!
You sent me information about a course, Training Your Inner Warrior. Are you taking it? I actually got in under the wire for taking it for free. I truly believe in the gifting society. I have been doing the reading and the little assignments she gives us each day. At the same time I am reading a book by Christiane Northrup. There is a beautiful synchronicity between the words of each. They are bolstering each other so well, and are backing each other in my mind.
I am thinking about the brain/the self simply being a history. Everything is stored as it happens, but it is all past. I think that was from Robin Rice. She is gently leading me to reconsider what self truly is.
Genethics needs to look at Bt corn, modified and thrust upon us by our dear and caring friends at Monsanto. It has polluted 90% of the corn in this country. It has lost effectiveness. And the Bt is in the wind-borne pollen, landing on all plants, being eaten by all larva. How many butterflies do you see each summer and autumn. I saw one monarch this year. They are the canary. All of our pollinators are dying. And it can't be undone...This is the problem. We think of what we can do, but we don't have the God-vision to see far enough in the future to know if it is a good idea or not.
We should not do anything we can not undo.
The other thing I always think about is infant formula versus breastmilk and vitamin supplements versus whole foods. We don't have the intelligence to recreate nature. We sort of get close and call it sort of good and charge lots of money for the product. Then we find out, oh we missed something...guess what now it is good. To me this is an ethical question, too.
We can't get corn or vitamins right, and we want to try to make perfect babies.Someone is missing the point of all the experiments gone awry so far. Why do we have to outdo nature? Do we really think we are better than God?
Interesting topic,
Love and hugs from Clare
Monday, January 30, 2017
Sunday, January 29, 2017
exhausted
Clare,
The Wayseer video is powerful...
frighteningly powerful.
There is a movement rising. Perhaps this apparent evil that is rearing its fear-driven head is the catalyst for change. People need something to work against...
this is fertile ground.
I've been cautioning my activist friends to continue to listen to others' ideas... I do believe that if we become divided by fear of the "them" humanity will be weakened. We will be easily conquered if we are divided. This is a perfect storm to allow that to happen.
That's frightening.
I've been dealing with ethics all day...
preparing my class lecture for tomorrow....
and a presentation for professionals on Thursday.
I decided to update my CEU presentation and I'm glad I started digging. The topic is Genethics- ethics and genetics...
I found some fascinating advancements that I had not yet read about. How easy and accessible the editing of genes has become. Designer babies are almost a reality.
I'm exhausted...
I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
The Wayseer video is powerful...
frighteningly powerful.
There is a movement rising. Perhaps this apparent evil that is rearing its fear-driven head is the catalyst for change. People need something to work against...
this is fertile ground.
I've been cautioning my activist friends to continue to listen to others' ideas... I do believe that if we become divided by fear of the "them" humanity will be weakened. We will be easily conquered if we are divided. This is a perfect storm to allow that to happen.
That's frightening.
I've been dealing with ethics all day...
preparing my class lecture for tomorrow....
and a presentation for professionals on Thursday.
I decided to update my CEU presentation and I'm glad I started digging. The topic is Genethics- ethics and genetics...
I found some fascinating advancements that I had not yet read about. How easy and accessible the editing of genes has become. Designer babies are almost a reality.
I'm exhausted...
I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Thursday, January 26, 2017
divine witnessing
Hi Maggie,
Thank you! I think I will write an email with the seeds of the idea to people in my meeting and regional M&C, because I am on that committee. They know me and I have come to trust them.
I have been ooey-gooey, lovey emotional lately. Yesterday I melted into a video of Louis Armstrong singing What a Wonderful World. I was lost in his smile, feeling the words. It was so beautiful. Today is was Leonard Cohen...I love his voice...and he reminded me that nothing is perfect, everything has a crack...that is how the Light gets in.
I must be very Light inside!!
But then I saw a video from Wayseer. It blew me away. I jotted down a couple quotes, because...Because I had to.
When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.
Expecting the best of people brings out the best in people.
Your consciousness has the power to conjure the very best and the very worst in everyone.
We can change their hearts and minds simply by changing our hearts and minds about them.
What you stand to witness in others strengthens them by the power of your observation.
When you refuse to witness the best in someone, you are committing spiritual assault of the worst kind.
The divine spark -it is just waiting to be called forward.
The power of your witness calls for the Light, the truth in other people's minds.
Divine witnessing is the most powerful form of nonviolence because it heals the very source of violence.
The Truth in me calls out to the Truth in you.
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCcTJjLFDE8)
It all tied into the Eve Ensler words of connection, her powerful descriptions, powerful understanding that everything is connected, everything is one, we are part of everything..
I appreciate your advice not to overwhelm or frighten people with too much too soon...
The time with all five of my kids at once was special. We are not perfect. We can get caught in petty drama, but overall, we love each other. My kids are truly connected. I am inspired when I see them. I am proud. I think that these five young adults, these vibrant, kind, aware, thinking, loving young adults are my best work...the most important thing I have done in this life. I am in awe of their beauty.
Something is changing...I love it...
Love and hugs to you and yours from Clare
Thank you! I think I will write an email with the seeds of the idea to people in my meeting and regional M&C, because I am on that committee. They know me and I have come to trust them.
I have been ooey-gooey, lovey emotional lately. Yesterday I melted into a video of Louis Armstrong singing What a Wonderful World. I was lost in his smile, feeling the words. It was so beautiful. Today is was Leonard Cohen...I love his voice...and he reminded me that nothing is perfect, everything has a crack...that is how the Light gets in.
I must be very Light inside!!
But then I saw a video from Wayseer. It blew me away. I jotted down a couple quotes, because...Because I had to.
When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.
Expecting the best of people brings out the best in people.
Your consciousness has the power to conjure the very best and the very worst in everyone.
We can change their hearts and minds simply by changing our hearts and minds about them.
What you stand to witness in others strengthens them by the power of your observation.
When you refuse to witness the best in someone, you are committing spiritual assault of the worst kind.
The divine spark -it is just waiting to be called forward.
The power of your witness calls for the Light, the truth in other people's minds.
Divine witnessing is the most powerful form of nonviolence because it heals the very source of violence.
The Truth in me calls out to the Truth in you.
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCcTJjLFDE8)
It all tied into the Eve Ensler words of connection, her powerful descriptions, powerful understanding that everything is connected, everything is one, we are part of everything..
I appreciate your advice not to overwhelm or frighten people with too much too soon...
The time with all five of my kids at once was special. We are not perfect. We can get caught in petty drama, but overall, we love each other. My kids are truly connected. I am inspired when I see them. I am proud. I think that these five young adults, these vibrant, kind, aware, thinking, loving young adults are my best work...the most important thing I have done in this life. I am in awe of their beauty.
Something is changing...I love it...
Love and hugs to you and yours from Clare
listen to hear, watch to see...
Clare,
Opening dialogue with anyone else always has merit.
Yes, I think you are on to something. I think the only way to break down the fear-based us versus them mentality it to make everyone an US! Once we see commonality and appreciate difference the barriers dissolve.
I too roll my eyes when I scan Facebook and find people supporting un-democratic ideals being pushed upon us in the name of 'democracy' .
I am biased against those who are not thinking like me. I want them to see the big picture...
understand interrelatedness...
feel connections.
And yet they are hurting too.
They need to be led by a strong presence...
even if it makes no sense to me.
Yes, I like the idea of talking to 'them' and creating 'us'.
But, it has to be small steps or else the step off is too great and people will be afraid.
Small steps.
Peace-filled steps.
Loving kindness steps.
filled with a genuine listening and seeing of the other.
Listening to hear, watching to see...
the Light in the other.
One of my favorite songs is a simple tune...
Open my eyes Lord, help me to see your face.
Open my ears Lord, help me to hear your voice.
Open my heart Lord, help me to love like you.
It's a prayer for all times. I've journaled those words many times.
How is the time with your family? The pictures look wonderful, the smiles are genuine and full of life.
I am pitching my classroom for new moms to complete their education...
more from an attachment and decrease risk of abuse perspective...
people are starting to respond and voice understanding of the effects of adversity and the need to protect. I'm really energized to make this a reality.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Opening dialogue with anyone else always has merit.
Yes, I think you are on to something. I think the only way to break down the fear-based us versus them mentality it to make everyone an US! Once we see commonality and appreciate difference the barriers dissolve.
I too roll my eyes when I scan Facebook and find people supporting un-democratic ideals being pushed upon us in the name of 'democracy' .
I am biased against those who are not thinking like me. I want them to see the big picture...
understand interrelatedness...
feel connections.
And yet they are hurting too.
They need to be led by a strong presence...
even if it makes no sense to me.
Yes, I like the idea of talking to 'them' and creating 'us'.
But, it has to be small steps or else the step off is too great and people will be afraid.
Small steps.
Peace-filled steps.
Loving kindness steps.
filled with a genuine listening and seeing of the other.
Listening to hear, watching to see...
the Light in the other.
One of my favorite songs is a simple tune...
Open my eyes Lord, help me to see your face.
Open my ears Lord, help me to hear your voice.
Open my heart Lord, help me to love like you.
It's a prayer for all times. I've journaled those words many times.
How is the time with your family? The pictures look wonderful, the smiles are genuine and full of life.
I am pitching my classroom for new moms to complete their education...
more from an attachment and decrease risk of abuse perspective...
people are starting to respond and voice understanding of the effects of adversity and the need to protect. I'm really energized to make this a reality.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
discernment
Hi Maggie,
I had a slow day at work, so I was able to watch Eve Ensler's talk. I have never seen The Vagina Monologues, although I know you have performed in the show a few times. I totally understood her. I also have been separated from my body for much of my life. She mentioned the book New Self/New World - I wrote down the title so I could remember. I hope someday I can find it. I will add it to my list! And back to her talk - I was so emotional by the end, by the stories she told, especially of Africa.
I was blown away by your opening at meeting. Thank you for sharing it with me. I remember a similar evolution with my ex. He hated mixed marriage - but my friends B & L, they were all right. He hated homosexuality, but my friend J & G, they were all right. I learned that an idea can be scary, but people are just people.
Dad went through the same transition. I think he should thank us for that. When he disowned S#5 and said he would not go to her wedding, the rest of the family shrugged and continued making plans.
Why were we wise enough not to play drama with him? I am not sure. I never considered this before. But it is hard to be hateful and bigoted when there's is no one to support you...
And so I started thinking. How do we create this for ourselves and for others? I don't think of myself as bigoted, but a close friendship with a black man who trusted me, who I trusted, led me to understand I am racist. He pointed out some white behaviors, and described how it felt to a black individual. It was painful to own, but he was right. And as a way-left liberal, I realized today, as I was listening to Russell Brand, that I am bigoted against people I perceive might have voted for Trump. It is not overt. I am too whitey-nice for that. But it is there...
And then I started wondering what would happen if we went to our meetings, our monthly meetings, our quarters, our yearly meetings and we proposed starting a friendship program. What if we invite local temples, mosques, reservations, black churches, independent Christian churches...I don't know, think creatively - how do we access people who are not us, as we understand in this culture...What if we invite people and pair them up/pair ourselves up...maybe do a listening workshop, and set some guidelines...then pair people up and ask them to treat each other like friends for a specific amount of time. Then, if the program is working, we friend someone else.
Maybe Jewish people won't be other anymore. Maybe someone Latino is just another grandmother, with concerns like mine. Maybe a trusting relationship will deepen my understanding of white privilege. At least, if the government decided to round up the Muslims, or further torture the First People, I would be involved. They would be coming for my friend.
I have learned from my job that it is easy to get attached to almost anyone, anywhere.
If we do this, would that help bridge the disconnect they need between us to keep us afraid and alone?
I am testing for clearness. I am asking for your discernment. Do you think this idea was merit?
Love and hugs from Clare
I had a slow day at work, so I was able to watch Eve Ensler's talk. I have never seen The Vagina Monologues, although I know you have performed in the show a few times. I totally understood her. I also have been separated from my body for much of my life. She mentioned the book New Self/New World - I wrote down the title so I could remember. I hope someday I can find it. I will add it to my list! And back to her talk - I was so emotional by the end, by the stories she told, especially of Africa.
I was blown away by your opening at meeting. Thank you for sharing it with me. I remember a similar evolution with my ex. He hated mixed marriage - but my friends B & L, they were all right. He hated homosexuality, but my friend J & G, they were all right. I learned that an idea can be scary, but people are just people.
Dad went through the same transition. I think he should thank us for that. When he disowned S#5 and said he would not go to her wedding, the rest of the family shrugged and continued making plans.
Why were we wise enough not to play drama with him? I am not sure. I never considered this before. But it is hard to be hateful and bigoted when there's is no one to support you...
And so I started thinking. How do we create this for ourselves and for others? I don't think of myself as bigoted, but a close friendship with a black man who trusted me, who I trusted, led me to understand I am racist. He pointed out some white behaviors, and described how it felt to a black individual. It was painful to own, but he was right. And as a way-left liberal, I realized today, as I was listening to Russell Brand, that I am bigoted against people I perceive might have voted for Trump. It is not overt. I am too whitey-nice for that. But it is there...
And then I started wondering what would happen if we went to our meetings, our monthly meetings, our quarters, our yearly meetings and we proposed starting a friendship program. What if we invite local temples, mosques, reservations, black churches, independent Christian churches...I don't know, think creatively - how do we access people who are not us, as we understand in this culture...What if we invite people and pair them up/pair ourselves up...maybe do a listening workshop, and set some guidelines...then pair people up and ask them to treat each other like friends for a specific amount of time. Then, if the program is working, we friend someone else.
Maybe Jewish people won't be other anymore. Maybe someone Latino is just another grandmother, with concerns like mine. Maybe a trusting relationship will deepen my understanding of white privilege. At least, if the government decided to round up the Muslims, or further torture the First People, I would be involved. They would be coming for my friend.
I have learned from my job that it is easy to get attached to almost anyone, anywhere.
If we do this, would that help bridge the disconnect they need between us to keep us afraid and alone?
I am testing for clearness. I am asking for your discernment. Do you think this idea was merit?
Love and hugs from Clare
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
kindness, perseverance ...
Clare,
I came upon this TED talk and want to share it with you...
it is powerful and disturbing.
https://www.ted.com/talks/eve_ensler#t-163675
I am doing all right. I had an opening during Meeting on Sunday. I felt that the evolution of Papa's bigotry and anger was a metaphor for this country's potential. Papa grew from a bigot, disowning a favorite child because of the man she fell in love with, to a forced trust in a black surgeon, to friendship and true connection with our black brother in law. Growth because those around him didn't shrink back and run away from his "Huffing and Puffing"...
kindness, perseverance, time...
all major components to change and growth.
He was so closed when we were young...
hated everyone...
even those of us who were his own.
But, slowly and incrementally he softened and opened.
Our world is full of fear-based bigotry...
kindness, perseverance, time, love will make the difference.
When we were in MD, I was fully engaged in the process of planning, feeling, remembering...
It was healing for me to do all of that.
It was eyeopening to hear your account of walking into a "family reunion"...
because it gradually built to that level I didn't realize how overwhelming it might have been to walk into all of that.
We are going down this weekend to help move Mama into S#5's home. It will be good to check in with her.
What do you think about B#1's wife's situation? I am confused trying to reconcile the varying reports.
I haven't been dreaming, or remembering dreams, lately. I love dreams, analyzing dreams...
and yet nothing.
Enjoy your family.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I came upon this TED talk and want to share it with you...
it is powerful and disturbing.
https://www.ted.com/talks/eve_ensler#t-163675
I am doing all right. I had an opening during Meeting on Sunday. I felt that the evolution of Papa's bigotry and anger was a metaphor for this country's potential. Papa grew from a bigot, disowning a favorite child because of the man she fell in love with, to a forced trust in a black surgeon, to friendship and true connection with our black brother in law. Growth because those around him didn't shrink back and run away from his "Huffing and Puffing"...
kindness, perseverance, time...
all major components to change and growth.
He was so closed when we were young...
hated everyone...
even those of us who were his own.
But, slowly and incrementally he softened and opened.
Our world is full of fear-based bigotry...
kindness, perseverance, time, love will make the difference.
When we were in MD, I was fully engaged in the process of planning, feeling, remembering...
It was healing for me to do all of that.
It was eyeopening to hear your account of walking into a "family reunion"...
because it gradually built to that level I didn't realize how overwhelming it might have been to walk into all of that.
We are going down this weekend to help move Mama into S#5's home. It will be good to check in with her.
What do you think about B#1's wife's situation? I am confused trying to reconcile the varying reports.
I haven't been dreaming, or remembering dreams, lately. I love dreams, analyzing dreams...
and yet nothing.
Enjoy your family.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
dreamwork
Hi Maggie,
I seem to be working things out in dreamtime.
I was really interested in a shamanic dream course, and so I listened to the intro webinar, 45 minutes of cool, followed by 15 minutes of buy me. Then to increase the fervor, a few days later there was an hour of work and Q&A with the course leader.
In the second session, the leader asked us to think about a dream that we remember or a childhood memory that remains important. He said he was going to have about 2 minutes of drumming. We were supposed to ask for the dream or memory, then write it down. That night we were supposed to use whatever came up as a portal into dream.
So the drumming started. Instead of a dream or a childhood memory, I remembered the future. I was at your beach-house, early spring, with you and all of the other sisters, and Mom. Mom and I walked down the front stairs, crossed the street, and went out on the beach. We were just walking together, she had her arm on my forearm, so I could support her.
It felt so real. I was shocked, but the only thing that made sense was that I was remembering the future, which the leader had said can happen in the first hour I listened to.
So, when I went to bed that night, I was ready to use that dream as a portal. I laid down, closed my eyes, and I was at my ex-husband's house, sorting out his possessions, settling his estate. All of my kids were with me, and we were discussing everything. I screamed "I don't want to be here. I don't want to do this."
I woke up. When I closed my eyes and went back to sleep, I settled right back into that experience. All night long...no matter how many times I woke myself up refusing to do that work. I was really tired for work the next day.
The next day I was trying to decide if that was prophetic, or if I was actually working on releasing things with Dad, through a proxy symbol.
Last night I dreamed I was back in my house, I believe, the Victorian that represents myself. I came in through a new door, that was like walking into Mom and Dad's house - the one where you lived during high school. There were more doors though, added rooms. I could hear my kids playing in one room, but I could not see them. I was not worried, though. I was going through the house, theirs and the added parts, planning to redecorate - new wall paper, something bright, no more dark and faded and old.
Now, last night, I did feel like I was releasing Dad. All night long I felt like I was letting go of him. That is probably why it is time to redecorate myself!
How are you?
Love and hugs from Clare
I seem to be working things out in dreamtime.
I was really interested in a shamanic dream course, and so I listened to the intro webinar, 45 minutes of cool, followed by 15 minutes of buy me. Then to increase the fervor, a few days later there was an hour of work and Q&A with the course leader.
In the second session, the leader asked us to think about a dream that we remember or a childhood memory that remains important. He said he was going to have about 2 minutes of drumming. We were supposed to ask for the dream or memory, then write it down. That night we were supposed to use whatever came up as a portal into dream.
So the drumming started. Instead of a dream or a childhood memory, I remembered the future. I was at your beach-house, early spring, with you and all of the other sisters, and Mom. Mom and I walked down the front stairs, crossed the street, and went out on the beach. We were just walking together, she had her arm on my forearm, so I could support her.
It felt so real. I was shocked, but the only thing that made sense was that I was remembering the future, which the leader had said can happen in the first hour I listened to.
So, when I went to bed that night, I was ready to use that dream as a portal. I laid down, closed my eyes, and I was at my ex-husband's house, sorting out his possessions, settling his estate. All of my kids were with me, and we were discussing everything. I screamed "I don't want to be here. I don't want to do this."
I woke up. When I closed my eyes and went back to sleep, I settled right back into that experience. All night long...no matter how many times I woke myself up refusing to do that work. I was really tired for work the next day.
The next day I was trying to decide if that was prophetic, or if I was actually working on releasing things with Dad, through a proxy symbol.
Last night I dreamed I was back in my house, I believe, the Victorian that represents myself. I came in through a new door, that was like walking into Mom and Dad's house - the one where you lived during high school. There were more doors though, added rooms. I could hear my kids playing in one room, but I could not see them. I was not worried, though. I was going through the house, theirs and the added parts, planning to redecorate - new wall paper, something bright, no more dark and faded and old.
Now, last night, I did feel like I was releasing Dad. All night long I felt like I was letting go of him. That is probably why it is time to redecorate myself!
How are you?
Love and hugs from Clare
Saturday, January 21, 2017
glimpses
Hi Sister,
I was thinking about your past with Dad, wondering about mine. I never felt terribly connected to him as we were growing up. I always felt so much more like Mom's kid.
I have noticed it with my own. Some seem to be more attached to one part of the family than another part.
I remember, from an early, early age, being so relieved when he was sent away - when the army stationed him somewhere we could not go. I felt safe when he was gone. I felt safe with Mom. I felt welcome with Mom.
While we were watching the old family videos, I was talking to B#4 about the scenes in the swimming hole. I thought maybe we were on our way to visit Grandma. B#4 said, no - we had gone to Fox Dam to swim, but he remembered that I used to walk to Grandma's. He said someone had commented earlier on her connection to me. I was kind of surprised.
But now I acknowledge, accept, and treasure it.
Three people - my closest friend, my best friend from school, and someone from meeting each told me that the death of a parent has a big impact. Either I am being ignorant, or I am soon to be slammed up along side the head, as Dad would have put it!
I went to a widow's support group for the paper once. I was asked to write a piece about the group. Someone said, no matter what a son-of-a-gun he was when he was alive, he becomes a saint when he dies. And I remembered a friend's death and ceremony. Her daughter spoke and said she promised herself she would never be one of those people who hated her mother while alive, then loved her and honored her after death. But she had helped birth her Mom to the other side and it was magic and mysterious and beautiful.
I am beginning to believe that when the physical dies and is dropped away, the connections change. We all feel it. We all change. We see the person who left differently.
I can see I'm trying to be all logical and spiritual, and not at all emotional. I think I'm gonna have to crash somewhere along the way!
I don't know...Dad didn't talk to me for five years. That felt more like a death than this does...
About Dad's behavior in school...he was abused. It was pathology. It was created. If he had been raised in a different family he would have been a different person. I have thought that same thought about the nine of us...
I did have a glimpse of Dad as pure Light. I got the message - sometimes we have to play the villain in the show.
My oldest son is with us for a few more days. The kids are bonding. I hope we are in the process of change.
Did you march today? I had three grandkids, and no transportation, so I watched, and held everyone in the Light...
How are you???
Love and hugs from Clare
I was thinking about your past with Dad, wondering about mine. I never felt terribly connected to him as we were growing up. I always felt so much more like Mom's kid.
I have noticed it with my own. Some seem to be more attached to one part of the family than another part.
I remember, from an early, early age, being so relieved when he was sent away - when the army stationed him somewhere we could not go. I felt safe when he was gone. I felt safe with Mom. I felt welcome with Mom.
While we were watching the old family videos, I was talking to B#4 about the scenes in the swimming hole. I thought maybe we were on our way to visit Grandma. B#4 said, no - we had gone to Fox Dam to swim, but he remembered that I used to walk to Grandma's. He said someone had commented earlier on her connection to me. I was kind of surprised.
But now I acknowledge, accept, and treasure it.
Three people - my closest friend, my best friend from school, and someone from meeting each told me that the death of a parent has a big impact. Either I am being ignorant, or I am soon to be slammed up along side the head, as Dad would have put it!
I went to a widow's support group for the paper once. I was asked to write a piece about the group. Someone said, no matter what a son-of-a-gun he was when he was alive, he becomes a saint when he dies. And I remembered a friend's death and ceremony. Her daughter spoke and said she promised herself she would never be one of those people who hated her mother while alive, then loved her and honored her after death. But she had helped birth her Mom to the other side and it was magic and mysterious and beautiful.
I am beginning to believe that when the physical dies and is dropped away, the connections change. We all feel it. We all change. We see the person who left differently.
I can see I'm trying to be all logical and spiritual, and not at all emotional. I think I'm gonna have to crash somewhere along the way!
I don't know...Dad didn't talk to me for five years. That felt more like a death than this does...
About Dad's behavior in school...he was abused. It was pathology. It was created. If he had been raised in a different family he would have been a different person. I have thought that same thought about the nine of us...
I did have a glimpse of Dad as pure Light. I got the message - sometimes we have to play the villain in the show.
My oldest son is with us for a few more days. The kids are bonding. I hope we are in the process of change.
Did you march today? I had three grandkids, and no transportation, so I watched, and held everyone in the Light...
How are you???
Love and hugs from Clare
Friday, January 20, 2017
where I am right now...
Clare,
When I read...
That boulder that broke my heart. I do believe it is gone. I even feel free enough to love Dad. Finally.
I got a tear...
a choked up a bit.
I have to think about the stories. The first that comes to mind was the story about him, at 16, telling his principal that he was quitting school. The story continued that he was so disruptive and difficult that the principal produced the papers and encouraged him to fill them out...
the reason that sticks with me is because I realized that my youngest has those same tendencies...
it's not pathology...
it's hereditary.
How do I feel...
I agree the memorial service was about Mama...
we made sure she was part of every decision.
She asked for an Ave Maria...
and Eagles' Wings...
she chose the readings...
and invited anyone who wanted to be a part into the service.
I made sure at least one person from each family was on the alter...
that was my neurotic impulse, but an important one with such a large family.
I feel as each story unfolded, was told, the listener put a positive spin on it...
focusing on the humor of Papa's activities...
rather than the pain of the memory.
It helped me to relocate that memory into a different part of my brain. B#3 tried to speak of Papa's impatience during our discussion at the funeral home...
the funeral director cut him off, nicely, but definitely cut him off.
I asked B#3 to speak about Papa during the funeral...
S#5 and I both watched his face...
wanting to be asked...
but lacking the courage to speak up...
so I spoke for him.
He agreed- as long as we all helped him to remember.
The next day I heard him tell his sons he was asked to do it...
kind of minimizing his place in the whole thing.
But he rocked it...
he did a great job...
and he was able to say, out loud, that Papa was a "tough old son of a gun"...
or something like that.
After I left for the hotel, Friday night, I silently asked Papa if he now knew our legacy of hurting each other through the lifetimes...
I came to a calmer understanding that we had done much better this lifetime.
Neither of us killed the other...
that's a definite improvement!
There is so much to think about...
and reconsider from this perspective.
What happened in our lives was difficult...
truly traumatic...
but perhaps it is time to heal and move on.
I think that's where I am right now.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
When I read...
That boulder that broke my heart. I do believe it is gone. I even feel free enough to love Dad. Finally.
I got a tear...
a choked up a bit.
I have to think about the stories. The first that comes to mind was the story about him, at 16, telling his principal that he was quitting school. The story continued that he was so disruptive and difficult that the principal produced the papers and encouraged him to fill them out...
the reason that sticks with me is because I realized that my youngest has those same tendencies...
it's not pathology...
it's hereditary.
How do I feel...
I agree the memorial service was about Mama...
we made sure she was part of every decision.
She asked for an Ave Maria...
and Eagles' Wings...
she chose the readings...
and invited anyone who wanted to be a part into the service.
I made sure at least one person from each family was on the alter...
that was my neurotic impulse, but an important one with such a large family.
I feel as each story unfolded, was told, the listener put a positive spin on it...
focusing on the humor of Papa's activities...
rather than the pain of the memory.
It helped me to relocate that memory into a different part of my brain. B#3 tried to speak of Papa's impatience during our discussion at the funeral home...
the funeral director cut him off, nicely, but definitely cut him off.
I asked B#3 to speak about Papa during the funeral...
S#5 and I both watched his face...
wanting to be asked...
but lacking the courage to speak up...
so I spoke for him.
He agreed- as long as we all helped him to remember.
The next day I heard him tell his sons he was asked to do it...
kind of minimizing his place in the whole thing.
But he rocked it...
he did a great job...
and he was able to say, out loud, that Papa was a "tough old son of a gun"...
or something like that.
After I left for the hotel, Friday night, I silently asked Papa if he now knew our legacy of hurting each other through the lifetimes...
I came to a calmer understanding that we had done much better this lifetime.
Neither of us killed the other...
that's a definite improvement!
There is so much to think about...
and reconsider from this perspective.
What happened in our lives was difficult...
truly traumatic...
but perhaps it is time to heal and move on.
I think that's where I am right now.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
free at last?
Hi Maggie,
I hope there is a space, either here or in our life, where I can hear the stories you heard. You said you learned new things several times. I want to learn them also.
Everything was too rushed for me. Getting organized, just remembering to bring shoes. Making sure everyone knew who was going where and when. Got everything together, found out my oldest son was coming...
I had no idea I was going to walk into a full family reunion when I was told to come to S#5's house. I was exhausted, droopy, but I stayed. It was good to be there.
Got back to Mom's late. Had to sleep on an air mattress that leaked...the baby threw up...up at 2:00 am to help her Mama...up at 5:00 to take a shower and dress and get to the airport by 6:15. Then the funeral and talking and food and talking and more time in the car and home late and up early this morning to work, and a committee meeting tonight, another tomorrow..I have not had time to feel.
I still don't know how I feel.
The funeral was nice, but I didn't feel Dad. I felt Mom. But that is okay, because the funeral is for those of us who are left. I finally felt Dad when they played Taps.
The family felt different. There was still drama and gossip...B#2, B#4's oldest, S#4's oldest...but the energy was different. It was like Dad's dour judgmentalism, and the past memories of abuse, had lifted and we could be real. We could be affectionate with Mom. We could invite her places and she could be happy to accept.
It was like we could look at each other, maybe for the first time.
We could breathe.
I sort of asked Dad what it was all about. I kind of got the answer - this, these people. This is what it is about.
It is all about connection. The abuse broke all of our connections. The abuser is gone, maybe we can reach out. I know the cousins were excited to be reunited. They hope to stay connected.
Maybe our generation can too. I felt more connected to the brothers than ever before.
That boulder that broke my heart. I do believe it is gone. I even feel free enough to love Dad. Finally.
How are you feeling?
Love and hugs from Clare
I hope there is a space, either here or in our life, where I can hear the stories you heard. You said you learned new things several times. I want to learn them also.
Everything was too rushed for me. Getting organized, just remembering to bring shoes. Making sure everyone knew who was going where and when. Got everything together, found out my oldest son was coming...
I had no idea I was going to walk into a full family reunion when I was told to come to S#5's house. I was exhausted, droopy, but I stayed. It was good to be there.
Got back to Mom's late. Had to sleep on an air mattress that leaked...the baby threw up...up at 2:00 am to help her Mama...up at 5:00 to take a shower and dress and get to the airport by 6:15. Then the funeral and talking and food and talking and more time in the car and home late and up early this morning to work, and a committee meeting tonight, another tomorrow..I have not had time to feel.
I still don't know how I feel.
The funeral was nice, but I didn't feel Dad. I felt Mom. But that is okay, because the funeral is for those of us who are left. I finally felt Dad when they played Taps.
The family felt different. There was still drama and gossip...B#2, B#4's oldest, S#4's oldest...but the energy was different. It was like Dad's dour judgmentalism, and the past memories of abuse, had lifted and we could be real. We could be affectionate with Mom. We could invite her places and she could be happy to accept.
It was like we could look at each other, maybe for the first time.
We could breathe.
I sort of asked Dad what it was all about. I kind of got the answer - this, these people. This is what it is about.
It is all about connection. The abuse broke all of our connections. The abuser is gone, maybe we can reach out. I know the cousins were excited to be reunited. They hope to stay connected.
Maybe our generation can too. I felt more connected to the brothers than ever before.
That boulder that broke my heart. I do believe it is gone. I even feel free enough to love Dad. Finally.
How are you feeling?
Love and hugs from Clare
Sunday, January 15, 2017
Love is here
Clare,
I am surprisingly calm and light/Light. I drove almost immediately to S#5's home...
to be with mama.
When I entered, with husband, she looked old and small...
barely taking up any space on the couch.
I sat next to her...
touched her hand...
kissed her forehead and just listened to her tale. She relaxed into the space between us.
I felt connected...
she felt comfortable.
B#4 came about an hour later...
quickly followed by S#5's arrival. The peace settled in and it was OK. We were all in shock...
but we were sharing that shock. I actually felt something.
We had to visit the funeral home the following day...
confirm/alter arrangements made by Papa in the early summer. Mama decided to move the vent to a church...
S#5's church...
It will be free form and very personal.
We began gathering ideas. We started telling stories...
Mama came alive...
a little at first...
then laughing at the stories...
then telling the stories herself...
I've learned a lot in the past 3 days.
We arranged simple flowers...
a catered meal...
the basics of a gathering.
We went back to S#5's house to gather photos...
more stories...
more laughter...
S#3 arrived late.
I slept better after that.
Today we had to identify the body before cremation...
B#3&4, S#3&5, myself, and a great-grandson went to the funeral home.
We walked into the room...
he was in a simps wooden box...
he had a gentle, but big smile on his face.
I've been dealing with death for years and never before have I seen a smiling corpse.Mom walked closer, tentatively...
until she saw the smile...
she walked right up next and said,"I know he made us promise to never say this but, he looks so good."
Well that made everyone laugh and then more stories flowed.
It was hard to walk out that door...
knowing we would never see that earthly form again.
We went from the funeral home to the church and sat with S#5's pastor...
he asked us to tell him about Papa....
More stories...
more laughter...
a few tears.
I learned many things today.
We told stories...
made arrangements...
left as a family.
It felt good.
We went back to S#5's house had home made soup and bread...
Some of B#4's homemade wine...
and again just sat and shared.
I miss my children so much...
I wish they were here to experience this...
I wish you were here to experience this...
Tomorrow more of us will gather...
know that you are coming to a good space.
Love is here.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I am surprisingly calm and light/Light. I drove almost immediately to S#5's home...
to be with mama.
When I entered, with husband, she looked old and small...
barely taking up any space on the couch.
I sat next to her...
touched her hand...
kissed her forehead and just listened to her tale. She relaxed into the space between us.
I felt connected...
she felt comfortable.
B#4 came about an hour later...
quickly followed by S#5's arrival. The peace settled in and it was OK. We were all in shock...
but we were sharing that shock. I actually felt something.
We had to visit the funeral home the following day...
confirm/alter arrangements made by Papa in the early summer. Mama decided to move the vent to a church...
S#5's church...
It will be free form and very personal.
We began gathering ideas. We started telling stories...
Mama came alive...
a little at first...
then laughing at the stories...
then telling the stories herself...
I've learned a lot in the past 3 days.
We arranged simple flowers...
a catered meal...
the basics of a gathering.
We went back to S#5's house to gather photos...
more stories...
more laughter...
S#3 arrived late.
I slept better after that.
Today we had to identify the body before cremation...
B#3&4, S#3&5, myself, and a great-grandson went to the funeral home.
We walked into the room...
he was in a simps wooden box...
he had a gentle, but big smile on his face.
I've been dealing with death for years and never before have I seen a smiling corpse.Mom walked closer, tentatively...
until she saw the smile...
she walked right up next and said,"I know he made us promise to never say this but, he looks so good."
Well that made everyone laugh and then more stories flowed.
It was hard to walk out that door...
knowing we would never see that earthly form again.
We went from the funeral home to the church and sat with S#5's pastor...
he asked us to tell him about Papa....
More stories...
more laughter...
a few tears.
I learned many things today.
We told stories...
made arrangements...
left as a family.
It felt good.
We went back to S#5's house had home made soup and bread...
Some of B#4's homemade wine...
and again just sat and shared.
I miss my children so much...
I wish they were here to experience this...
I wish you were here to experience this...
Tomorrow more of us will gather...
know that you are coming to a good space.
Love is here.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Saturday, January 14, 2017
lessons
"the expectations of "what is supposed to be happening" has been set up by me-"
Hi Maggie,
These words that you shared from your retreat have come to mean so much to me...
Ever since you called to tell me that Dad died, he didn't make it through surgery, I have been expecting to behave normally. But I'm not...
I haven't started crying yet. I am still on the inhale...I am still in suspended animation...still waiting...for what? I don't know.
I did not sleep much last night. I was calmly awake, talking to Dad, all night long.
When you told me, I felt a huge pressure down, hard, on my heart, and then it disappeared. I felt like someone jumped, landed on my heart, then bounced away.
I asked about that and got images. We are supposed to be connected by cords, really flexible, stretchy cords, of golden or silver light. When there is abuse, we use boulders and knots and heavy, coarse cords to bind each other. Those boulders silence and control us. The weight leaving my heart was Dad's boulder dissolving.
And so I went looking and found I am inappropriately attached to my children. My anger, my screaming - it was abuse. And so I detached and reattached in a more properly maternal manner.
I checked lots of relationships and changed them.
Either I am crazy, or looking for escapes from reality, or things are going to improve.
I talked to Dad about raping infants and abuse and how that taught his sons to rape his daughters. And I sent a loud message to Pop. He had better be on his knees begging forgiveness when Dad walks into the Light. He had no right to abuse his son...but I acknowledge that he learned at the hands of his father and so on back through the slime that continues to pollute the Delanas.
I told Dad that I never felt loved. I never felt safe. I remembered a few moments...one when he was sitting on the front porch swing when we had some of the young Viet Namese kids over to play. He was looking out across the field, and he said, "When I see those kids, I just remember everything that happened to our boys over there." He was trapped in pain, but being open and vulnerable.
Another time he was reading a book, and when I walked in, he looked up and started talking about the impact the book was having on him.
I told him I wished we had more of those moments and fewer of the ones where he threatened to come to my house and shoot me if he caught my cold.
I called him on that one...at the time.
And so I am going to clean my house and shower and wait for the tears. They are in there, I feel the pressure...
How are you, Love?
Love and hugs from Clare
Hi Maggie,
These words that you shared from your retreat have come to mean so much to me...
Ever since you called to tell me that Dad died, he didn't make it through surgery, I have been expecting to behave normally. But I'm not...
I haven't started crying yet. I am still on the inhale...I am still in suspended animation...still waiting...for what? I don't know.
I did not sleep much last night. I was calmly awake, talking to Dad, all night long.
When you told me, I felt a huge pressure down, hard, on my heart, and then it disappeared. I felt like someone jumped, landed on my heart, then bounced away.
I asked about that and got images. We are supposed to be connected by cords, really flexible, stretchy cords, of golden or silver light. When there is abuse, we use boulders and knots and heavy, coarse cords to bind each other. Those boulders silence and control us. The weight leaving my heart was Dad's boulder dissolving.
And so I went looking and found I am inappropriately attached to my children. My anger, my screaming - it was abuse. And so I detached and reattached in a more properly maternal manner.
I checked lots of relationships and changed them.
Either I am crazy, or looking for escapes from reality, or things are going to improve.
I talked to Dad about raping infants and abuse and how that taught his sons to rape his daughters. And I sent a loud message to Pop. He had better be on his knees begging forgiveness when Dad walks into the Light. He had no right to abuse his son...but I acknowledge that he learned at the hands of his father and so on back through the slime that continues to pollute the Delanas.
I told Dad that I never felt loved. I never felt safe. I remembered a few moments...one when he was sitting on the front porch swing when we had some of the young Viet Namese kids over to play. He was looking out across the field, and he said, "When I see those kids, I just remember everything that happened to our boys over there." He was trapped in pain, but being open and vulnerable.
Another time he was reading a book, and when I walked in, he looked up and started talking about the impact the book was having on him.
I told him I wished we had more of those moments and fewer of the ones where he threatened to come to my house and shoot me if he caught my cold.
I called him on that one...at the time.
And so I am going to clean my house and shower and wait for the tears. They are in there, I feel the pressure...
How are you, Love?
Love and hugs from Clare
Thursday, January 12, 2017
2 tsp...
Clare,
The procedure was not painful...
yet not totally comfortable either...
The surgeon extracted fat from the area below my navel...
and then used that to fill in the flat/indented areas. We agreed that there were 2 areas that needed it...
nothing too extensive.
all in all about 10 cc of fat was placed...
I think more was extracted...
but not much.
I am bruised below the belly button...
and sore, but not like I'd anticipated.
The boob area feels full...
kind of like a blind pimple...
pressure but no pain unless you try to squeeze it.
I've been instructed not to put pressure on it or the fat may resorb or mold into another funky formation...
so I wait...
ice on my belly...
not even a cam on the top.
it's interesting.
So, no bigger and they're still immobile.
I was stressed last evening. I want to ride in a analyze the situation...
make sense of their nonsensical, incomplete reports...
I'm sure that those at the hospital are stressed and not fully comprehending...
but last night was confusing from a medical standpoint.
Stroke...
but no CT of the head until hours later...
after the hip.
The hip has been hurting since a week or two before Christmas...
remember he didn't get out of bed on Christmas because of it.
I had asked Mama to have it evaluated, but she didn't want to be aggressive...
because he doesn't want to do anything anyway.
Comfort is possible.
I spoke with Mama today. I offered to come and pass time with her/them, to hold space while they sit in the hospital. She asked me to wait until he is discharged. I may still travel on Sunday for a few hours. Mama cried when I told her she could call us or some of the closer siblings to hold space and time with her...
she is strong...
but not tapping into that place...
She seems like a small girl at this point.
Do not be surprised if the infected fluid that they extract from the hip joint doesn't have caner cells floating around it. This may be a metastatic lesion that bled and then got infected.
The dream insight is fascinating...
shaman if we dream...
I like that.
The male attention coming your way may signify that you are open to the comments...
not looking for them...
but many times we ignore what we don't want to hear.
I wonder where this is taking you?
I've had some really good feedback from the Department of Health about my teen parenting classroom to support breastfeeding and attachment. They offered me $15,000 over the next 18 months to create a pilot and run it...then evaluate the efficacy. The best part was that the woman who manages the grants for breastfeeding and I clicked...we talked about horses, breastfeeding, bonding, raising kids, so many ideas that flowed. I felt as if I'd known her for a very long time.
I may be able to make a difference...
I am energized.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
The procedure was not painful...
yet not totally comfortable either...
The surgeon extracted fat from the area below my navel...
and then used that to fill in the flat/indented areas. We agreed that there were 2 areas that needed it...
nothing too extensive.
all in all about 10 cc of fat was placed...
I think more was extracted...
but not much.
I am bruised below the belly button...
and sore, but not like I'd anticipated.
The boob area feels full...
kind of like a blind pimple...
pressure but no pain unless you try to squeeze it.
I've been instructed not to put pressure on it or the fat may resorb or mold into another funky formation...
so I wait...
ice on my belly...
not even a cam on the top.
it's interesting.
So, no bigger and they're still immobile.
I was stressed last evening. I want to ride in a analyze the situation...
make sense of their nonsensical, incomplete reports...
I'm sure that those at the hospital are stressed and not fully comprehending...
but last night was confusing from a medical standpoint.
Stroke...
but no CT of the head until hours later...
after the hip.
The hip has been hurting since a week or two before Christmas...
remember he didn't get out of bed on Christmas because of it.
I had asked Mama to have it evaluated, but she didn't want to be aggressive...
because he doesn't want to do anything anyway.
Comfort is possible.
I spoke with Mama today. I offered to come and pass time with her/them, to hold space while they sit in the hospital. She asked me to wait until he is discharged. I may still travel on Sunday for a few hours. Mama cried when I told her she could call us or some of the closer siblings to hold space and time with her...
she is strong...
but not tapping into that place...
She seems like a small girl at this point.
Do not be surprised if the infected fluid that they extract from the hip joint doesn't have caner cells floating around it. This may be a metastatic lesion that bled and then got infected.
The dream insight is fascinating...
shaman if we dream...
I like that.
The male attention coming your way may signify that you are open to the comments...
not looking for them...
but many times we ignore what we don't want to hear.
I wonder where this is taking you?
I've had some really good feedback from the Department of Health about my teen parenting classroom to support breastfeeding and attachment. They offered me $15,000 over the next 18 months to create a pilot and run it...then evaluate the efficacy. The best part was that the woman who manages the grants for breastfeeding and I clicked...we talked about horses, breastfeeding, bonding, raising kids, so many ideas that flowed. I felt as if I'd known her for a very long time.
I may be able to make a difference...
I am energized.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
dream on
Hi Maggie,
How did your procedure go? Are you all boobaliciously bouncy again??
I know you were involved in last night's drama, because S#5 told me you talked her down. Nice job, sister! I think we will have more and more of these nights until Dad passes.
The gift is that I had a chance to talk to all of my kids in one day. I made plans with two of them, tentative plans with another. Mom-score! It is too bad that it takes impending tragedy to bond this family...
(Last night's events - Mom thought Dad was having a stroke, took him to the local hospital. His brain was clear, but the docs discovered a mass in his hip. He has been complaining about pain in his hip for at least a week. They diagnosed an abscess, which will be removed early tomorrow morning.)
You spoke of fortitude and resilience in your last post. What I remember is how Mom took over and ran the family completely on her own every time the army sent Dad away. She was strong. She was together. I wonder if she has forgotten. I was surprised when I learned she stayed with S#5 the last time Dad was in the hospital.
I attended the dream webinar last night, which was a teaser for a course. If I had spare change, I would probably attend. In the meantime, I can work on my own. The course leader, Robert Moss, said anyone who dreams is at least a little bit shaman. He said dreams are the way our soul talks to us. It was all very thought-provoking. My first step, I think, is to get a dream journal, and start being organized about my awareness.
So something is going on with me and men. I think I mentioned that at Thanksgiving, my ex reminded me that he loves me. It was unexpected, but absolutely not an invitation back into any kind of a life together. Just an acknowledgement of our connection. And today my college sweetheart sent me an email asking me about our relationship. What did he do that was good? What hurt me? I wrote a return email, and feel all soft and gooey inside.
And I have had an ongoing email pen-pal type relationship with a man who is gay. This has been going on for about 8 years. We have never met, but we have talked a lot, and emailed a lot, and we know each other well. He has been in a marital relationship with the same man for about 25 years. Today I got an email talking about how close we are, and that he feels like we never run out of things to talk about. The only other person he feels this way about is his partner.
And then...I met a man on the bus last summer. He has been calling and messaging regularly, reminding me of how much he likes me. And finally, there is the man I Skype with. We have been friends for about four years. There have been moments of "I wonder..." mostly followed by - we are just friends. Both are very intelligent, but relationships would be so much work. And one would be a soap opera.
I feel like I am getting choosy, when there really aren't many choices. Do I want to be alone? Maybe. But the gift of the exchanged notes with my college sweetheart is that I remember how easy that relationship was. It was a lot of pleasure, and not a lot of pain or drama. It was just easy.
I don't know what is going on, but it seems there is a lot of male energy reaching out and assuring me. All at once.
Maybe I will dream on it and see if I can find wisdom.
Love and hugs from Clare
How did your procedure go? Are you all boobaliciously bouncy again??
I know you were involved in last night's drama, because S#5 told me you talked her down. Nice job, sister! I think we will have more and more of these nights until Dad passes.
The gift is that I had a chance to talk to all of my kids in one day. I made plans with two of them, tentative plans with another. Mom-score! It is too bad that it takes impending tragedy to bond this family...
(Last night's events - Mom thought Dad was having a stroke, took him to the local hospital. His brain was clear, but the docs discovered a mass in his hip. He has been complaining about pain in his hip for at least a week. They diagnosed an abscess, which will be removed early tomorrow morning.)
You spoke of fortitude and resilience in your last post. What I remember is how Mom took over and ran the family completely on her own every time the army sent Dad away. She was strong. She was together. I wonder if she has forgotten. I was surprised when I learned she stayed with S#5 the last time Dad was in the hospital.
I attended the dream webinar last night, which was a teaser for a course. If I had spare change, I would probably attend. In the meantime, I can work on my own. The course leader, Robert Moss, said anyone who dreams is at least a little bit shaman. He said dreams are the way our soul talks to us. It was all very thought-provoking. My first step, I think, is to get a dream journal, and start being organized about my awareness.
So something is going on with me and men. I think I mentioned that at Thanksgiving, my ex reminded me that he loves me. It was unexpected, but absolutely not an invitation back into any kind of a life together. Just an acknowledgement of our connection. And today my college sweetheart sent me an email asking me about our relationship. What did he do that was good? What hurt me? I wrote a return email, and feel all soft and gooey inside.
And I have had an ongoing email pen-pal type relationship with a man who is gay. This has been going on for about 8 years. We have never met, but we have talked a lot, and emailed a lot, and we know each other well. He has been in a marital relationship with the same man for about 25 years. Today I got an email talking about how close we are, and that he feels like we never run out of things to talk about. The only other person he feels this way about is his partner.
And then...I met a man on the bus last summer. He has been calling and messaging regularly, reminding me of how much he likes me. And finally, there is the man I Skype with. We have been friends for about four years. There have been moments of "I wonder..." mostly followed by - we are just friends. Both are very intelligent, but relationships would be so much work. And one would be a soap opera.
I feel like I am getting choosy, when there really aren't many choices. Do I want to be alone? Maybe. But the gift of the exchanged notes with my college sweetheart is that I remember how easy that relationship was. It was a lot of pleasure, and not a lot of pain or drama. It was just easy.
I don't know what is going on, but it seems there is a lot of male energy reaching out and assuring me. All at once.
Maybe I will dream on it and see if I can find wisdom.
Love and hugs from Clare
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
top dog
Clare,
I am session out this week...
I went to a 2.5 hour class today- session 5 of 6.
It is good, but too much after this past weekend.
I am teaching for 4 hours this Saturday for continuing ed credits for social workers...
two ethics topics...
first is female reproductive health care rights...
the second is genetics in the age of personal genomics.
I spent this evening creating a virtual class for my first session of the Masters class...
I decided to do a virtual class rather than try to make it up.
I'm a little over done.
Tomorrow I am having fat sucked from my torso and transplanted onto my chest wall...
a fat transplant...
to make my lumps nicely contoured!
Only in the USA!
I spent today wondering if this is really a good and necessary procedure to be having.
I think it will help...
but it certainly isn't necessary.
I spoke with S#5 yesterday...
I was concerned after Mama D's email on Sunday.
S#5 said that the doctors Xrayed Papa's hip...
it's arthritis...
suddenly he is eating again.
We really have to listen to what's going on down there. Both parents panic and try to bury their heads in the sand...
this was easy...
one of these days it is going to be bad news and then he/they will have to find fortitude and resilience...
I'm not sure they've cultivated those qualities...
they've hidden from tough stuff for years.
I do believe that his death will be an opening for some of us...
but an excuse for others to disconnect even more.
I do believe he is going to fail this spring...
I think it will be fairly quick.
I feel more at peace with life since Kripalu...
I am settling down, centering more easily...
unfortunately after tomorrow I won't be able to do yoga for 2 weeks...
but I will remain active.
My meditation is deeper.
The weekend is having great effects overall.
I do wonder what that guru triggered in my friend...
it is very interesting
I hope that you have a quiet night...
dream about dogs...
one will show up...
when you are ready and they are in need.
I want a puppy too- or an adult rescue...
but I will wait until our dog has passed...
she deserves to be top dog for the remainder of her life.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I am session out this week...
I went to a 2.5 hour class today- session 5 of 6.
It is good, but too much after this past weekend.
I am teaching for 4 hours this Saturday for continuing ed credits for social workers...
two ethics topics...
first is female reproductive health care rights...
the second is genetics in the age of personal genomics.
I spent this evening creating a virtual class for my first session of the Masters class...
I decided to do a virtual class rather than try to make it up.
I'm a little over done.
Tomorrow I am having fat sucked from my torso and transplanted onto my chest wall...
a fat transplant...
to make my lumps nicely contoured!
Only in the USA!
I spent today wondering if this is really a good and necessary procedure to be having.
I think it will help...
but it certainly isn't necessary.
I spoke with S#5 yesterday...
I was concerned after Mama D's email on Sunday.
S#5 said that the doctors Xrayed Papa's hip...
it's arthritis...
suddenly he is eating again.
We really have to listen to what's going on down there. Both parents panic and try to bury their heads in the sand...
this was easy...
one of these days it is going to be bad news and then he/they will have to find fortitude and resilience...
I'm not sure they've cultivated those qualities...
they've hidden from tough stuff for years.
I do believe that his death will be an opening for some of us...
but an excuse for others to disconnect even more.
I do believe he is going to fail this spring...
I think it will be fairly quick.
I feel more at peace with life since Kripalu...
I am settling down, centering more easily...
unfortunately after tomorrow I won't be able to do yoga for 2 weeks...
but I will remain active.
My meditation is deeper.
The weekend is having great effects overall.
I do wonder what that guru triggered in my friend...
it is very interesting
I hope that you have a quiet night...
dream about dogs...
one will show up...
when you are ready and they are in need.
I want a puppy too- or an adult rescue...
but I will wait until our dog has passed...
she deserves to be top dog for the remainder of her life.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
bullshit??
Hi Maggie,
Sounds like you were where you were supposed to be!
What I have found when someone says something is bullshit, is that they either did not get what they wanted or they got something they didn't want.
That is why I try to cultivate a feeling of no expectation...instead, I try to stay with let's just see what happens. I think it stems from being disappointed, both from reality and from living in daydreams.
So now I know that whatever is happening in my life is what is supposed to happen, and mostly, it is okay.
Of course, I am having a hard time reconciling politically...
I saw your aura portrait. I wasn't thinking yellow, I was seeing gold. The colors were clear. That seemed important.
Did everyone have a portrait done? Were they similar?
A long time colleague just told me her dad died two days after Christmas. She talked about it very briefly. He had been sick for awhile. Everyone knew it was coming. I told her I was probably next, our family is waiting right now. And I felt a little teary.
It was the first time I felt like I might cry for what is going on. So I loved what you said about the guru.
It seems my/our feelings have been completely shut down by this man. Perhaps his last act will be to open us back up.
I mourned my parents-in-law. It has been ten years since they both passed. I cried for my mother-in-law, but I sobbed for my father-in-law...great gulps of sob, feeling like I was being ripped apart. They died four months apart, with her going first. I think when he died, I was feeling the loss of both.
So, now that you have had time to reacclimate to real life, how are you feeling? How are you feeling about Dad? and his impending death?
When you started your post, and said you were back, back to life...I thought you were feeling reinvigorated. But now I think you meant you were back to normal, day-to-day life.
I have fallen in love with the photo/story of a rescue Newfoundland. I can't afford her. So I am making a statement to the universe that I am open to miracles or magic or whatever. Dog miracles, or any other kind...
"Going" to a webinar on sugar addiction tonight with S#3. Another tomorrow on lucid dreaming. Interested? It will be lead by an author I have been interested in for years. And the last session of my chicken course is this week...
Sending love and hugs,
Clare
Sounds like you were where you were supposed to be!
What I have found when someone says something is bullshit, is that they either did not get what they wanted or they got something they didn't want.
That is why I try to cultivate a feeling of no expectation...instead, I try to stay with let's just see what happens. I think it stems from being disappointed, both from reality and from living in daydreams.
So now I know that whatever is happening in my life is what is supposed to happen, and mostly, it is okay.
Of course, I am having a hard time reconciling politically...
I saw your aura portrait. I wasn't thinking yellow, I was seeing gold. The colors were clear. That seemed important.
Did everyone have a portrait done? Were they similar?
A long time colleague just told me her dad died two days after Christmas. She talked about it very briefly. He had been sick for awhile. Everyone knew it was coming. I told her I was probably next, our family is waiting right now. And I felt a little teary.
It was the first time I felt like I might cry for what is going on. So I loved what you said about the guru.
It seems my/our feelings have been completely shut down by this man. Perhaps his last act will be to open us back up.
I mourned my parents-in-law. It has been ten years since they both passed. I cried for my mother-in-law, but I sobbed for my father-in-law...great gulps of sob, feeling like I was being ripped apart. They died four months apart, with her going first. I think when he died, I was feeling the loss of both.
So, now that you have had time to reacclimate to real life, how are you feeling? How are you feeling about Dad? and his impending death?
When you started your post, and said you were back, back to life...I thought you were feeling reinvigorated. But now I think you meant you were back to normal, day-to-day life.
I have fallen in love with the photo/story of a rescue Newfoundland. I can't afford her. So I am making a statement to the universe that I am open to miracles or magic or whatever. Dog miracles, or any other kind...
"Going" to a webinar on sugar addiction tonight with S#3. Another tomorrow on lucid dreaming. Interested? It will be lead by an author I have been interested in for years. And the last session of my chicken course is this week...
Sending love and hugs,
Clare
Monday, January 9, 2017
returned from retreat
Clare,
I am back...
back to life...
back to reality...
slightly altered by my learning.
I learned a lot this weekend.
Your dream was reinforced by one of the lessons...
humans are hard wired for connection.
We learn from mirroring others...
we learn by mimicking others...
we learn to move our faces, babble, feed ourselves, crawl, walk, talk, calm, love...
all by mirroring others.
Unless, those who we are to mirror are confusing, threatening, hurtful, not trustworthy.
Then we are left to our own devices.
The course I took was lighthearted, experiential, humane...
despite its heavy topic- Trauma
The presenters made a strong effort to allow connection and a sense of connection develop. Friday evening we 'milled about'...
moving around the room singly, randomly, and then in pairs, then in groups up to 8+ people. By Saturday morning you had 8 people who knew each others' names and a few things about them...
none of that awkward alone feeling that happens.
Kripalu has a silent breakfast everyday...
I'm not a morning person so I loved that.
Yoga at 6:30 each morning...
Mandala drawing (a woman spoke of losing her son- mine might fight a lot, but at least he's alive to fight with)...
sitting with a guru.
That was an interesting experience.
Saturday evening I went to a room with "The Unshakable Presence" on the door. There were 20 or so people gathered in a half circle on cushions and chairs. I sat near the front- no other spaces left.
We chanted...
the Guru told her story of spiritual journeying...
finding an ashram in India and experiencing enlightenment.
She then invited people to speak of what they are 'grappling' with in life.
Four people spoke about issues in their lives...
then I found myself raising my hand...
I suddenly had to talk about my apathy/lack of empathy about Papa's cancer and illness. I explained my clinical interest, but there is no feeling behind the interest. I am detached from his pain and suffering. She basically told me that the expectations of "what is supposed to be happening" has been set up by me- no one else. Tears flowed freely down my face. I was unashamedly feeling- relief.
I was feeling...
my heart went from being as tight as a clenched fist...
to feeling empty...
to feeling gratitude.
I felt...
My friend, who I traveled with had to tell me it was a bunch of bullshit...
she pegged this guru as a fake...
it doesn't matter if she's legitimate or fake...
I felt something.
Our trauma healing program is scheduled to begin next Wednesday...
so far no one has called to inquire or sign up.
I am not discouraged.
I know it is a good and necessary program.
We have to figure out how to market it and spread the word.
I'm offering it up...
surrender it to the universe to bring those who are meant to be with us to the door.
I trust.
I had my aura photographed...
it was so interesting.
I was afraid it would be dull and colorless...
it was vibrant yellow and green with a rim of orangish red...
It was beautifulI will send it to you in an email...it's easier than uploading it here.
The reader said that yellow auras are mainly connected to their thinking selves- big thinkers, logical, number oriented, scientists, they like to acquire facts/knowledge to increase their comfort, not spontaneous, positive energy. They prefer intellectual pursuit to personal contact...
that is close to me. The green is about healing and connection to others...
So, that's all that I can remember from the weekend...
more will come to me.
Love and Light beautiful sister...
Thanks for the birthday wishes,
Maggie
I am back...
back to life...
back to reality...
slightly altered by my learning.
I learned a lot this weekend.
Your dream was reinforced by one of the lessons...
humans are hard wired for connection.
We learn from mirroring others...
we learn by mimicking others...
we learn to move our faces, babble, feed ourselves, crawl, walk, talk, calm, love...
all by mirroring others.
Unless, those who we are to mirror are confusing, threatening, hurtful, not trustworthy.
Then we are left to our own devices.
The course I took was lighthearted, experiential, humane...
despite its heavy topic- Trauma
The presenters made a strong effort to allow connection and a sense of connection develop. Friday evening we 'milled about'...
moving around the room singly, randomly, and then in pairs, then in groups up to 8+ people. By Saturday morning you had 8 people who knew each others' names and a few things about them...
none of that awkward alone feeling that happens.
Kripalu has a silent breakfast everyday...
I'm not a morning person so I loved that.
Yoga at 6:30 each morning...
Mandala drawing (a woman spoke of losing her son- mine might fight a lot, but at least he's alive to fight with)...
sitting with a guru.
That was an interesting experience.
Saturday evening I went to a room with "The Unshakable Presence" on the door. There were 20 or so people gathered in a half circle on cushions and chairs. I sat near the front- no other spaces left.
We chanted...
the Guru told her story of spiritual journeying...
finding an ashram in India and experiencing enlightenment.
She then invited people to speak of what they are 'grappling' with in life.
Four people spoke about issues in their lives...
then I found myself raising my hand...
I suddenly had to talk about my apathy/lack of empathy about Papa's cancer and illness. I explained my clinical interest, but there is no feeling behind the interest. I am detached from his pain and suffering. She basically told me that the expectations of "what is supposed to be happening" has been set up by me- no one else. Tears flowed freely down my face. I was unashamedly feeling- relief.
I was feeling...
my heart went from being as tight as a clenched fist...
to feeling empty...
to feeling gratitude.
I felt...
My friend, who I traveled with had to tell me it was a bunch of bullshit...
she pegged this guru as a fake...
it doesn't matter if she's legitimate or fake...
I felt something.
Our trauma healing program is scheduled to begin next Wednesday...
so far no one has called to inquire or sign up.
I am not discouraged.
I know it is a good and necessary program.
We have to figure out how to market it and spread the word.
I'm offering it up...
surrender it to the universe to bring those who are meant to be with us to the door.
I trust.
I had my aura photographed...
it was so interesting.
I was afraid it would be dull and colorless...
it was vibrant yellow and green with a rim of orangish red...
It was beautifulI will send it to you in an email...it's easier than uploading it here.
The reader said that yellow auras are mainly connected to their thinking selves- big thinkers, logical, number oriented, scientists, they like to acquire facts/knowledge to increase their comfort, not spontaneous, positive energy. They prefer intellectual pursuit to personal contact...
that is close to me. The green is about healing and connection to others...
So, that's all that I can remember from the weekend...
more will come to me.
Love and Light beautiful sister...
Thanks for the birthday wishes,
Maggie
Sunday, January 8, 2017
dream...
Hi Maggie,
You should be on your way home now. Hope you had a fabulous retreat.
I had a dream last night, and didn't write anything down, assuming I would remember a lot today. Now I am less sure of my ability to recall detail.
I dreamed I was with the boys. I was adult, but all four of our brothers, all three of my sons, and my two grandsons were all in the 6 - 10 years old range. They all looked so much alike. (Which is true...) I was at the side of a road with two boys. It may have been B#2 and B#4, or it may have been my Son#1 and Son #2. I started across the road and saw a car and turned and said, "Wait there." I crossed and tuned to watch and the older was following me, and it was going to be close and because the older went, the younger started running. He tripped, his heel just at the tire near the yellow line, pushed off and flew to me. My heart was pounding. In my dream-mind's-eye, he had been hit. It was so close. And now I am remembering, he didn't run to me. He was in shock, running in circles in the road. I calmed my voice and told him to come to me, as I stepped out to guide him. Then he came to my arms.
My dream self wondered why he ran. I told him to wait. And then I thought about how much we need each other. We need to be together. We don't want to be alone, and feeling unsafe.
Part of the dream involved a new neighbor, a woman with six or eight daughters who all looked exactly alike, who were all dressed exactly alike in brown dresses. They all had brown hair and all wore the same glasses. I remember saying that there must be twins in this crowd. Two of the girls raised their hands. They were not the same height, although some were. They said they were obviously not identical.
And it was another of those dreams with lots of family members, all interacting...for some reason it all seemed so profound in the middle of the night. But now the depth has escaped me.
So I will leave it here, in case it means something...
Love and hugs from Clare
You should be on your way home now. Hope you had a fabulous retreat.
I had a dream last night, and didn't write anything down, assuming I would remember a lot today. Now I am less sure of my ability to recall detail.
I dreamed I was with the boys. I was adult, but all four of our brothers, all three of my sons, and my two grandsons were all in the 6 - 10 years old range. They all looked so much alike. (Which is true...) I was at the side of a road with two boys. It may have been B#2 and B#4, or it may have been my Son#1 and Son #2. I started across the road and saw a car and turned and said, "Wait there." I crossed and tuned to watch and the older was following me, and it was going to be close and because the older went, the younger started running. He tripped, his heel just at the tire near the yellow line, pushed off and flew to me. My heart was pounding. In my dream-mind's-eye, he had been hit. It was so close. And now I am remembering, he didn't run to me. He was in shock, running in circles in the road. I calmed my voice and told him to come to me, as I stepped out to guide him. Then he came to my arms.
My dream self wondered why he ran. I told him to wait. And then I thought about how much we need each other. We need to be together. We don't want to be alone, and feeling unsafe.
Part of the dream involved a new neighbor, a woman with six or eight daughters who all looked exactly alike, who were all dressed exactly alike in brown dresses. They all had brown hair and all wore the same glasses. I remember saying that there must be twins in this crowd. Two of the girls raised their hands. They were not the same height, although some were. They said they were obviously not identical.
And it was another of those dreams with lots of family members, all interacting...for some reason it all seemed so profound in the middle of the night. But now the depth has escaped me.
So I will leave it here, in case it means something...
Love and hugs from Clare
Friday, January 6, 2017
I'm scared
Hi Maggie,
I have a friend in another country whom I speak with somewhat regularly. He has been challenging me on our empire building ways, on the land grab at the hands of our ancestors.
I know.
I know we are a terrible people.
Then he asked why I was taking it all so personally, and I felt near tears - don't worry I managed to contain myself - be a Delana, don't be emotional, and never cry in public. And I had to admit to myself, and out loud, that I am scared.
I am truly scared of the upcoming president and the billionaire cabinet and the truly cruel men who lead the Republican party.
I am scared.
Then I saw Michelle Obama's last speech as First Lady.
"So don't be afraid. You hear me, young people? Don't be afraid. Be focused. Be determined. Be hopeful. Be empowered...."
(I decided I could be a young person.)
Now I really need to cry, because I don't feel alone.
I will miss her the most. I love Michelle. She was such dignity, such lightness and grace. She has such a practical humor. She is a wonderful role model for all women.
Okay, feeling a little better.
Hope you arrived safely. Have the best birthday ever!
Love and hugs from Clare
I have a friend in another country whom I speak with somewhat regularly. He has been challenging me on our empire building ways, on the land grab at the hands of our ancestors.
I know.
I know we are a terrible people.
Then he asked why I was taking it all so personally, and I felt near tears - don't worry I managed to contain myself - be a Delana, don't be emotional, and never cry in public. And I had to admit to myself, and out loud, that I am scared.
I am truly scared of the upcoming president and the billionaire cabinet and the truly cruel men who lead the Republican party.
I am scared.
Then I saw Michelle Obama's last speech as First Lady.
"So don't be afraid. You hear me, young people? Don't be afraid. Be focused. Be determined. Be hopeful. Be empowered...."
(I decided I could be a young person.)
Now I really need to cry, because I don't feel alone.
I will miss her the most. I love Michelle. She was such dignity, such lightness and grace. She has such a practical humor. She is a wonderful role model for all women.
Okay, feeling a little better.
Hope you arrived safely. Have the best birthday ever!
Love and hugs from Clare
Thursday, January 5, 2017
Happy Birthday
Hi Maggie,
Sounds perfect. Your birthday celebration sounds perfect. I hope you have amazing breakthroughs, even though I know it is probably going to be painful.
I got hit when you said Mom and Dad didn't care. I got hit again when you said that if Dad knew about the molestation, he may have killed all of us.
I told Mom about my being raped about six years after it happened. She told Dad and asked if he still felt the same about me. What I heard was, was I still good enough to be a Delana, or was I too dirty to be acceptable. I questioned it, shock went through my brain...this happened to me. Why am I the bad one? How could I possibly be the bad one? But there is always that Catholic belief that women are temptresses here to draw weak men from the Godly path - and they can't help themselves, they should not have to help themselves...damn, it's too bad we need women to procreate - otherwise we could just finish them all off...which may be the point of some of the fertility research.
And it's something I think whenever I hear about the honor killings in the mid-east. If a women who has been assaulted by a man is dirty, the source of the filth is the man. True honor would be castrating the assailant and removing the source of the filth.
How did Dad feel about me? He should have felt like he was going to avenge me...how dare someone assault his beloved child. Yeah, in my fantasies!
So your gut feeling might be right. He might have lashed out and killed someone or more than one.
And that all happened just after he came home from Viet Nam, and he was not very stable that year...
So with your realizations about your youngest, and your statements that the shit is going to hit his fan soon, what are you going to do? Are you going to make him stand up and take responsibility for his actions? Or are you going to try to help, and end up saving him?
I think you are going to be in the perfect place this weekend. I wish you softness and absorbability! Enjoy your birthday! For my birthday, there will be the next wine dinner. Please come.
Happy Birthday My Wonderful Sister!!!
Love and hugs from Clare
Sounds perfect. Your birthday celebration sounds perfect. I hope you have amazing breakthroughs, even though I know it is probably going to be painful.
I got hit when you said Mom and Dad didn't care. I got hit again when you said that if Dad knew about the molestation, he may have killed all of us.
I told Mom about my being raped about six years after it happened. She told Dad and asked if he still felt the same about me. What I heard was, was I still good enough to be a Delana, or was I too dirty to be acceptable. I questioned it, shock went through my brain...this happened to me. Why am I the bad one? How could I possibly be the bad one? But there is always that Catholic belief that women are temptresses here to draw weak men from the Godly path - and they can't help themselves, they should not have to help themselves...damn, it's too bad we need women to procreate - otherwise we could just finish them all off...which may be the point of some of the fertility research.
And it's something I think whenever I hear about the honor killings in the mid-east. If a women who has been assaulted by a man is dirty, the source of the filth is the man. True honor would be castrating the assailant and removing the source of the filth.
How did Dad feel about me? He should have felt like he was going to avenge me...how dare someone assault his beloved child. Yeah, in my fantasies!
So your gut feeling might be right. He might have lashed out and killed someone or more than one.
And that all happened just after he came home from Viet Nam, and he was not very stable that year...
So with your realizations about your youngest, and your statements that the shit is going to hit his fan soon, what are you going to do? Are you going to make him stand up and take responsibility for his actions? Or are you going to try to help, and end up saving him?
I think you are going to be in the perfect place this weekend. I wish you softness and absorbability! Enjoy your birthday! For my birthday, there will be the next wine dinner. Please come.
Happy Birthday My Wonderful Sister!!!
Love and hugs from Clare
Wednesday, January 4, 2017
lessons...softening
Clare,
Today is my day for reality checks I guess.
Yes, my body is crying out for rest and self-care.
I saw a psychiatrist today...
the one I was taking my youngest to see...
she's decided to focus her energies on me...
of which I am appreciative.
She listened, probed with questions- gently.
I had some Ah Ha moments...
she told me to shift me perception of my youngest's success/failure...
it is not under my control.
I explained that by not wanting my kids to ever feel what rejection or apathy towards a person feels like...
or disdain...
which stems from growing up with Papa D...
and Mama D...
Anyway...
by trying to unconditionally love him through this garbage I am allowing him to exploit and manipulate.
I was telling the story of being afraid and unloved in our family home...
and I had a clear sense, visceral of terror and sadness...
I told the story of Papa 'punishing' B#3 by beating the shit out of him.
I explained that I was literally afraid that if the parents knew we were being molested we would all be killed...
literally.
I started to tear-up and sense that dread-filled feeling.
I don't have full recollection of that incident...
I don't know if I remember it because of stories that have been told...
but today a real sense of fear and dread rose up as I was telling about it.
All I could say was, "I thought I'd dealt with all of that long ago."
Back on the spiral staircase.
I did have two realizations today.
First- My youngest is triggering me like Papa...
he gets angry...
I shut down.
When I react he becomes destructive.
Second- Our parents didn't care what happened to us...and I pushed myself to success (at least in a public sense). I care deeply what happens to my children...and my young men are afraid to try.
Is the lesson that being too comfortable/protected impedes growth and progress?
The psychiatrist seems to expect some type of crisis with my youngest...perhaps to precipitate a change.
Friday I am going to Kripalu for my birthday. I am spending the weekend in learning sessions with the psychiatrist who wrote the book, The Body Never Forgets....
It is an approach through the body to the mind and soul to heal trauma. The program I'm putting together with friends for trauma healing is based partially on his work. I really respect his ideas , empathy, and approach.
His co-presenter is a therapist who is also a singer-songwriter...she is doing an extra session on expression through song.
I'm experiencing a softening just before going away. I was also reading my journals and found recurrent lyrics to a song I've been trying to write for years...
about inspiration...
Perhaps this will allow an opening of some sort.
The weekend will be filled with yoga, meditation, organic food, and meeting new people. I am going with my friend. What a wonderful gift- to me.
I will not be taking my computer...
so I will be AWOL until Sunday night or Monday.
Love and Light beautiful sister...
Maggie
Today is my day for reality checks I guess.
Yes, my body is crying out for rest and self-care.
I saw a psychiatrist today...
the one I was taking my youngest to see...
she's decided to focus her energies on me...
of which I am appreciative.
She listened, probed with questions- gently.
I had some Ah Ha moments...
she told me to shift me perception of my youngest's success/failure...
it is not under my control.
I explained that by not wanting my kids to ever feel what rejection or apathy towards a person feels like...
or disdain...
which stems from growing up with Papa D...
and Mama D...
Anyway...
by trying to unconditionally love him through this garbage I am allowing him to exploit and manipulate.
I was telling the story of being afraid and unloved in our family home...
and I had a clear sense, visceral of terror and sadness...
I told the story of Papa 'punishing' B#3 by beating the shit out of him.
I explained that I was literally afraid that if the parents knew we were being molested we would all be killed...
literally.
I started to tear-up and sense that dread-filled feeling.
I don't have full recollection of that incident...
I don't know if I remember it because of stories that have been told...
but today a real sense of fear and dread rose up as I was telling about it.
All I could say was, "I thought I'd dealt with all of that long ago."
Back on the spiral staircase.
I did have two realizations today.
First- My youngest is triggering me like Papa...
he gets angry...
I shut down.
When I react he becomes destructive.
Second- Our parents didn't care what happened to us...and I pushed myself to success (at least in a public sense). I care deeply what happens to my children...and my young men are afraid to try.
Is the lesson that being too comfortable/protected impedes growth and progress?
The psychiatrist seems to expect some type of crisis with my youngest...perhaps to precipitate a change.
Friday I am going to Kripalu for my birthday. I am spending the weekend in learning sessions with the psychiatrist who wrote the book, The Body Never Forgets....
It is an approach through the body to the mind and soul to heal trauma. The program I'm putting together with friends for trauma healing is based partially on his work. I really respect his ideas , empathy, and approach.
His co-presenter is a therapist who is also a singer-songwriter...she is doing an extra session on expression through song.
I'm experiencing a softening just before going away. I was also reading my journals and found recurrent lyrics to a song I've been trying to write for years...
about inspiration...
Perhaps this will allow an opening of some sort.
The weekend will be filled with yoga, meditation, organic food, and meeting new people. I am going with my friend. What a wonderful gift- to me.
I will not be taking my computer...
so I will be AWOL until Sunday night or Monday.
Love and Light beautiful sister...
Maggie
Monday, January 2, 2017
Christmas in four boxes
Oh good grief Maggie,
You said your resolution is to take better care of yourself. Which is absolutely not selfish. It is the perfect way to maintain yourself so you can maintain everyone else. But then you say you are fighting pink eye and congestion and exhaustion. This is where you prove you are going to take better care of yourself. Your body is crying out for rest. Don't fight it, honor it.
I was inspired to take down all of my Christmas decorations today. Usually I do it on your birthday, on the Twelfth Day. But today was right. In the end, I had Christmas neatly packed in four boxes...
What I noticed about this year, is that I was reluctant to decorate. I didn't feel it. I finally did, and it was made more fun by the delight in my granddaughter's eyes. But I had to force myself, and I didn't linger in memory...which is the fun part.
But that part happened as I was taking things down. I was handling each ornament, each figurine, and I was remembering. My favorite ornaments are the kid-made ones that have survived. A black calico stuffed star...a cardboard disc that has a drawing of a Christmas tree and child-like lettering - Merry Christmas...a big pile of popsicle sticks wound together with blue yarn. Those are my treasures.
I had kids all weekend long. Both of the girls stayed here New Year's Eve. We were all awake to watch the ball drop, by internet, of course. And we fantasized about going to the city someday. My grandson was not here, because he had woken up and vomited all over. But by the next day he felt great. So the little one went home, and the middle one showed up. There was an overlap of a couple hours while my youngest was here. We all worked on a jigsaw puzzle together.
Then S#3 arrived with her two oldest. For some reason the kids were a little more maniacal than usual, so we separated them for the night.
I had my two here most of today. S#3 had to leave early. So we played dominoes and made paper airplanes. The watched a movie while I took down Christmas, and then helped me bring in firewood, which turned into a contest.
Nice day with them.
I love them so much. We were talking about our safe places, and my grandson said my house is his safe place. I was touched, and reminded him he is always welcome here.
I have a feeling 2017 is going to be a good year. I have a feeling we are going to have the very dark and the very Light again, but that the Light will not be something we can overlook. It will be Light.
Sending Light and love all wrapped in hugs!
Clare
You said your resolution is to take better care of yourself. Which is absolutely not selfish. It is the perfect way to maintain yourself so you can maintain everyone else. But then you say you are fighting pink eye and congestion and exhaustion. This is where you prove you are going to take better care of yourself. Your body is crying out for rest. Don't fight it, honor it.
I was inspired to take down all of my Christmas decorations today. Usually I do it on your birthday, on the Twelfth Day. But today was right. In the end, I had Christmas neatly packed in four boxes...
What I noticed about this year, is that I was reluctant to decorate. I didn't feel it. I finally did, and it was made more fun by the delight in my granddaughter's eyes. But I had to force myself, and I didn't linger in memory...which is the fun part.
But that part happened as I was taking things down. I was handling each ornament, each figurine, and I was remembering. My favorite ornaments are the kid-made ones that have survived. A black calico stuffed star...a cardboard disc that has a drawing of a Christmas tree and child-like lettering - Merry Christmas...a big pile of popsicle sticks wound together with blue yarn. Those are my treasures.
I had kids all weekend long. Both of the girls stayed here New Year's Eve. We were all awake to watch the ball drop, by internet, of course. And we fantasized about going to the city someday. My grandson was not here, because he had woken up and vomited all over. But by the next day he felt great. So the little one went home, and the middle one showed up. There was an overlap of a couple hours while my youngest was here. We all worked on a jigsaw puzzle together.
Then S#3 arrived with her two oldest. For some reason the kids were a little more maniacal than usual, so we separated them for the night.
I had my two here most of today. S#3 had to leave early. So we played dominoes and made paper airplanes. The watched a movie while I took down Christmas, and then helped me bring in firewood, which turned into a contest.
Nice day with them.
I love them so much. We were talking about our safe places, and my grandson said my house is his safe place. I was touched, and reminded him he is always welcome here.
I have a feeling 2017 is going to be a good year. I have a feeling we are going to have the very dark and the very Light again, but that the Light will not be something we can overlook. It will be Light.
Sending Light and love all wrapped in hugs!
Clare
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