Perfect?

Hi Mags,

Yep, it's just one of those days.  My kids seemed even, now...not so even. I think we all go into drama at Christmastime.  We expect Christmas to be perfect, but it never is.  I don't think a perfect Christmas exists, nor should it.  You know this is probably from the primitive brain that believes everything we see on TV. There are visions of perfectly decorated homes, lots of gifts, perfect clothes on impossibly thin model bodies, gourmet meals, gorgeous neighbors, perfect children...even the dog is well-behaved.

In truth, we get stretched budgets, and the same old house and the same old jeans, and begging dogs and kids who think farting is funny...

Besides what I did with S#3, I haven't done anything to get ready for Christmas.  I don't really care. Someone I talked to today told me she believes the Christmas decorations redeem/renew/release our inner childlike wonder at this time of year. She encouraged me to decorate, saying the feelings might follow.

I think I am back to my annual what does Christmas really mean? What does it mean to me? funk.

I like to think we are celebrating the light, just as all people do at the darkest time of year.

But I think I would rather sleep. Maybe I am part bear.  Which side of the family do you think that comes from?

I have been intrigued by what is happening at Standing Rock. Unarmed people who cherish this planet and each other are standing up to Christian institutions who will destroy the planet if left unwatched and untended.

I am really wondering if nonviolent passive resistance - absolute submission to the pain and power - is the message of the season.  Striking back in violence justifies their retaliation.  But looking at them, seeing them, reminding them they are also human, while they are using violence hits their hearts a little.  Some of them, at least, stop and think about what they are doing, who they are being.

I am glad you are back to grieving the latest shipment of shit that has unloaded in your consciousness. It means you cleaned up the last delivery and are ready for more. You are making progress.

I don't think you have failed your foster son. You have not rejected him.  You just changed the game, while maintaining the rules.  He knows you are still there.

My young cat slipped out maybe Sunday or Monday. I have spent most of the week looking for her. Last night she came to me, so she is in and warm and purring a lot.  I think that mini-drama helped me make peace with the absence of Emily.  It has been over a week now, and I am no longer looking for her in the morning. I am used to the new balance in our pack.

So, do I decorate tomorrow? I do want to make cookies for the grandkids out west.  Will that make it feel Christmassy??

I love you and miss you...

Hugs from Clare