illusion of magic

Clare,
Maybe that's part of the stress...
not being central to anyone's plans.
I am here to make others' plans materialize.
Buy, wrap, present, make sweet rolls, make dinner...
each one shows up when they are able to.
This year we will have all the kids and their significant others late Christmas Eve and into Christmas Day. So my job is to create the illusion of magical day.
It doesn't feel magical to me though. I feel alone in the stress and preparation. One day I will visit their homes and hopefully help and make them feel the prep time is special time too.

I had 3 parties scheduled for today...
all but the closest was postponed due to weather. What a bonus. But, I anticipate having my oldest here to bake with me...it's almost dinner and she hasn't come by yet. Oh well, my plans not hers.

We are decorating the tree tonight. I think it's going to be husband, oldest daughter, her boyfriend, and me.

I went back to the psychiatrist yesterday...
she gave the same advice...
let him live with the consequences of his choices...
preferably before he's 18 so the punishment isn't a lifelong weight around his neck. She told me to experience this as sadness and grief- not failure...
that was a shift for me...
I do see this as a personal failure- Where did I go wrong?
It's hard to let go of responsibility.

I am going to gather the ornaments...
I love you sister.
Love and Light,
Maggie