Sing

Clare,

I'm sorry...
I am overwhelmed with life right now.
It all seems to be a chore...
and it should be joy.
I am having to make serious compromises at work...
my full time job is not sustainable. I will probably be working about 25-30 hours because the agency doesn't have funding. I hate that doing what I like and am driven to do is not valued enough to reimburse. My work is quite valuable, but it is a primary prevention strategy- no results measurable for years- therefore not valuable for funding streams.

It's still good work.

My youngest is continuing to drive me crazy. We went to see a psychiatrist- he agreed to go back- last Friday. As we got out of the car in their parking lot he tells me he is only there to appease me and get me off his back. So I wasted 3 hours, money, and a lot of energy on him. He is pushing me every day. I cannot take him most days. I love him, but he is making poor choices and getting his hole deeper and deeper.
I cannot save him at this point...
he's got to figure out the consequences of his choices...
but that hurts husband and I too.
Son#2 tells us we are ego-driven maniacs because we care how his choices reflect on us.
There is pain and grief in lost hopes...
but they are my hopes and dreams.

Christmas is exhausting for me. I have my gifts bought/ordered. I have not wrapped anything yet. I am at a very critical point now- I am trying to stop myself from impulse buying presents for family. I get my gifts selected and purchased and then forget what I have. When I'm shopping I see "pretty things" and buy them impulsively.  I have to stay out of stores.

This coming weekend I had too many activities scheduled...
now there's a 5 inch snow/ice forecast and I have free time!
I LOVE SNOW DAYS!!!!!
Unexpected, free time- such a gift!

I am struggling with life.
I am telling myself, "I am enough" and " I will learn through joy and happiness" each day...
still having trouble seeing the light.
I need to sing.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie