people pleaser

Clare,

You are right about the changes…
I've sensed that for the past several weeks.
I've had several conversations with the youngest about his readiness to bring the young men here…
he insists we do it.
The other night we were arguing about his choices…
I was reactionary unfortunately…
he made a comment about his poor decisions ending him up in the same group home the young men have been living in…
I pointed out to him that he may be resenting their coming into our lives and home…
he quickly told me that wasn't it…
he wants them to come…
he just wants to leave.
At least the conversation is opened.
It breaks my heart that he is so eager to leave…
and yet, I know, he is very attached to all of us.
This independence and separation is so tough on everyone.

The older of the young men told a staff member at the home that he never plans on moving out of our home…
we laughed…
I told her my intention was never to have 30 year old children in my basement…
but the sentiment is true…
he appreciates…
for now.
I know he will have to push away to gain independence…
eventually.

I am co-leading a workshop tomorrow morning on climate change…
my part is climate justice.
I have some interesting articles and insights to share…
racially motivated discrimination about exposures and risks…
climate change induced migration…
mass extinction…
I have enough to keep me talking.

The semester is almost over…
one final exam…
grade the projects from the other class…
and then I am officially finished.
I wonder if I'll teach again…
I really do wonder.

I've been feeling very used recently…
that sounds pouty…
poor me.
I've signed up for most of the responsibilities…
I've agreed to be a resource…
I've spread myself too thin…
once again.
I have to get better at limits and boundaries.
I did tell my new boss that I will work 20 hours/week for the summer- no more.
I have to be home consistently for the young men in my family.
I've been trying to impress upon her that family is my first responsibility.
She has grown children, and grandchildren…
but is not responsible for them…
she has a husband who works from home…
they share home chores.
My life is very different…
my demands are very different.
I'm trying to be a team player…
but I have to identify which is the first priority and which is the second…
and third…
and on.

I have to speak my priorities.

I also have to assert my needs…
When I don't…
when I change my plans to accommodate others I resent it…
strongly…
and deeply.

I am too much of a people pleaser…
I need to please me too.

I had a very interesting discussion with the young man today…
we were driving to the store to get some shorts for the two of them…
The older one said he wished I could have met his mom…
he told me that she would be so grateful for all that we are doing for and with her sons.
He told me she would really like me…
and that I would really like her.
He then thanked me for all we have done.
It was so very touching.
I wanted to tell him that she had visited me during a reiki session…
that she could not express her gratitude in words…
but the emotions were very strong.
I want him to know that I have experienced her…
but how much would that freak him out?
He does know that I consider many different aspects of life…
and energy…
but to say, "hey, I met your mom. She appeared to me during a reiki session." might be a bit difficult to express.
The time will come to share it.
Perhaps his mom will visit again.
Next week is their grandmother's birthday…
we are going to visit again on the weekend to celebrate her birthday and mother's day…
The young men are really excited about it…
so am I.

I hope you are having a great evening. I saw photos of the little one's birthday celebration on the book of face…
It looks like it was a great time.

Love and Light Beautiful sister,
Maggie