afraid

Clare,

I like the peace/war symbolism in your last post…
very profound…
the 4 feels like completeness…
at least to me.

I have been struggling with my youngest the past few days…
or weeks probably.
I have made it clear to him that if an item is illegal, and I find it in the house, it is gone.
Yesterday I found a small piece of glass, used to smoke stuff and I threw it away.
That action set off a tyrade the likes of which I had not previously seen.
I was called horrible names….
a door was broken…
similar glass was thrown onto the driveway where it shattered…
and I was left feeling very beaten down.
I told him he was being a bully…
and that I refused to engage in that type of behavior which at first made him furious, and then allowed him time to consider that- he agreed he was being a bully.
I told him the rules are simple- no illegal stuff…
he's pissing his earnings away because I'm throwing stuff away…
it's madness.

I don't know how to recreate trust right now. He verbally abused me. He called me names no one had ever called me before. He called me names I do not identify with. He was going for the jugular…and I refused him access.

Later in the evening he went to yoga with me- to calm down.
Part of me was grateful that he chose an activity that is so introspective…
Part of me just wanted to be away from him…
I resented sharing "my time" with an abuser.
I'm not sure what the right answer was…
but I allowed him to come along.
I don't know how much of this I can take.
He's escalating, because he's grounded- originally for "substance violations" and curfew issues…
now he's grounded because he keeps leaving while he's grounded…
and yet I'm persecuting him by keeping him trapped at home.
He's so impulsive…
how is he going to survive?
I'm so afraid he'll be dead by 25…
he doesn't think of consequences or alternative decisions…
he doesn't consider the possibilities.

I'm afraid of him …
and I'm afraid for him…
not a very healthy place to be living.

I've got a lot to consider with this one. Any advice would be welcomed.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie