don't hide it

Hi Maggie,

I'm not sure I can give any great advice, because none of my children were ever as headstrong as this one. Mine were all willing to negotiate and honor their agreement.

Are there any men in his life that he respects?  Are there any men in his life who have heard him bully?  Have any of them talked to him about how men behave?

I think bullying is a learned behavior. Who bullied him and taught him to do this? Older sibs?  Someone at school?  One thing that comes to mind that might help is an AVP workshop.  It really changed things for my middle and youngest sons.

Maybe we could organize one and attendance could be part of his probation...

Just clutching at straws here...allergies can cause inflammation.  It could be influencing him physically in a way that throws him off psychologically.

Oh, he pays for the door, or he repairs it.

A friend of mine was with a man who said some really cruel things to her sons. She said she wasn't sure what to say. I pointed out that by saying nothing, she was giving him permission to continue being a bully. By taking your son to yoga, pretending things were okay, you were letting him know - hey it's okay.  That's just my view from the outside...Unconditional love has to include boundaries - it has to include unconditional love for yourself.  You are teaching him that women will allow this behavior and then accept it, and go on as if everything was okay.  How violent does he have to get before you stop him?  Is that what he is trying to discern?  Or does he have a psych disorder?

Of course, stopping him sounds impossible. He has no respect for any limit you set, and does not understand he has to set limits for himself...

I will hold you both in the Light.  I will send LOVE...and if you need to talk, I will listen.  Sometimes that is where the right answer comes from...from inside you.

Also, it is not up to you to recreate trust. You did not savage it.  He did.  He has to mend fences and get you to trust him again. Until then, don't trust him. And don't hide it.

One last thought...who all does he bully?  Who does he attack? What are the circumstances where he can control himself even when thwarted?  If he  never has control, then there is a problem and he needs an evaluation. If he can control it and only unleashes it on you, or a limited few - then he can control, he just chooses not to with you. He needs to understand that about himself.

Holding you in love and light...Clare