not all here

Good morning Maggie.

I'm having a thoughtful morning - the calm before the storm I suppose.

I am making a vegan soup to take to a memorial service for my older friend who died last month. And I am nearing my sixtieth birthday.   And I tried on lipstick this week - the first time in ages...and it bled into those little lips that develop when we get old.

And I am feeling less like me and more like a grandma.  I am identifying as old, although I don't want to and I am trying to find ways not to go there.

Is this normal?

I don't like the way I look. I don't like the bags under my eyes. I know they are there because of kidney insufficiency. Kidney is life, according to my understanding of Chinese Medical Theory. I think I have always had kidney insufficiency.

I feel like I am not done, like I have so much to offer to so many...which led to my next thought...something I am pulling apart in my mind...

Have I ever committed to life?

I don't know if I have ever committed to life, to being here, to participating.  I am reminded of the past life your healer brought forward. Excuse me, past lives.  In both I was watching, analyzing, trying to understand. I feel that me in this persona.  I am sort of here.  But I don't think I have ever committed.

I don't know how...

And maybe that is my kidney insufficiency...

Love and hugs from Clare