Clare,
You are right about the changes…
I've sensed that for the past several weeks.
I've had several conversations with the youngest about his readiness to bring the young men here…
he insists we do it.
The other night we were arguing about his choices…
I was reactionary unfortunately…
he made a comment about his poor decisions ending him up in the same group home the young men have been living in…
I pointed out to him that he may be resenting their coming into our lives and home…
he quickly told me that wasn't it…
he wants them to come…
he just wants to leave.
At least the conversation is opened.
It breaks my heart that he is so eager to leave…
and yet, I know, he is very attached to all of us.
This independence and separation is so tough on everyone.
The older of the young men told a staff member at the home that he never plans on moving out of our home…
we laughed…
I told her my intention was never to have 30 year old children in my basement…
but the sentiment is true…
he appreciates…
for now.
I know he will have to push away to gain independence…
eventually.
I am co-leading a workshop tomorrow morning on climate change…
my part is climate justice.
I have some interesting articles and insights to share…
racially motivated discrimination about exposures and risks…
climate change induced migration…
mass extinction…
I have enough to keep me talking.
The semester is almost over…
one final exam…
grade the projects from the other class…
and then I am officially finished.
I wonder if I'll teach again…
I really do wonder.
I've been feeling very used recently…
that sounds pouty…
poor me.
I've signed up for most of the responsibilities…
I've agreed to be a resource…
I've spread myself too thin…
once again.
I have to get better at limits and boundaries.
I did tell my new boss that I will work 20 hours/week for the summer- no more.
I have to be home consistently for the young men in my family.
I've been trying to impress upon her that family is my first responsibility.
She has grown children, and grandchildren…
but is not responsible for them…
she has a husband who works from home…
they share home chores.
My life is very different…
my demands are very different.
I'm trying to be a team player…
but I have to identify which is the first priority and which is the second…
and third…
and on.
I have to speak my priorities.
I also have to assert my needs…
When I don't…
when I change my plans to accommodate others I resent it…
strongly…
and deeply.
I am too much of a people pleaser…
I need to please me too.
I had a very interesting discussion with the young man today…
we were driving to the store to get some shorts for the two of them…
The older one said he wished I could have met his mom…
he told me that she would be so grateful for all that we are doing for and with her sons.
He told me she would really like me…
and that I would really like her.
He then thanked me for all we have done.
It was so very touching.
I wanted to tell him that she had visited me during a reiki session…
that she could not express her gratitude in words…
but the emotions were very strong.
I want him to know that I have experienced her…
but how much would that freak him out?
He does know that I consider many different aspects of life…
and energy…
but to say, "hey, I met your mom. She appeared to me during a reiki session." might be a bit difficult to express.
The time will come to share it.
Perhaps his mom will visit again.
Next week is their grandmother's birthday…
we are going to visit again on the weekend to celebrate her birthday and mother's day…
The young men are really excited about it…
so am I.
I hope you are having a great evening. I saw photos of the little one's birthday celebration on the book of face…
It looks like it was a great time.
Love and Light Beautiful sister,
Maggie
Saturday, April 30, 2016
Thursday, April 28, 2016
ch-ch-changes
Guess I'll just have to fall of my shoes more often...
I had a strange thought. You know how when you have a new baby, the old babies have to readjust and reshuffle for position? I wonder if all the drama with your youngest is because of new brothers coming into the house. It's going to change everything. And, you just started a job where you are traveling a lot. And his older siblings are pretty much all aging out of the house and into interesting new adventures.
His world is changing quickly and he has no power to stop it.
And as much as we want change, we really don't want too much change...you know?
My little buddy's favorite place is down by the creek. It is near the mouth of a small stream, at the base of two hills, one rising up on each side. And up on the hills are the hemlocks, growing pretty much in a circle. It is like being in a hemlock protected womb.
Yesterday we found salamanders - two different species - hiding under rocks. And the violets are up...
While I was down there I was thinking about life and I started getting my typically strange thoughts. I got the message to be primal. I was also thinking about the way I see and experience this beautiful world, and wondered how other species experiences compared.
And I got the word primal again.
I looked up the word primal and found words like original, first of its kind. I was thinking about the Earth as she was in her primal stage, thinking about how energy moved.
That felt right. It seemed the energy moved slowly and thoroughly and without bigotry.
I also found primal diet. It seems to be primarily vegetarian, primarily raw, with just a bit of opportunistic animal protein included.
I may have to play with that, since I am still struggling to find my way to my body.
The baby will be 3 tomorrow. That seems so outrageous. She's just a little tyke - but she's not any more. Guess I should join your son for change lessons!!
Love and hugs from Clare
I had a strange thought. You know how when you have a new baby, the old babies have to readjust and reshuffle for position? I wonder if all the drama with your youngest is because of new brothers coming into the house. It's going to change everything. And, you just started a job where you are traveling a lot. And his older siblings are pretty much all aging out of the house and into interesting new adventures.
His world is changing quickly and he has no power to stop it.
And as much as we want change, we really don't want too much change...you know?
My little buddy's favorite place is down by the creek. It is near the mouth of a small stream, at the base of two hills, one rising up on each side. And up on the hills are the hemlocks, growing pretty much in a circle. It is like being in a hemlock protected womb.
Yesterday we found salamanders - two different species - hiding under rocks. And the violets are up...
While I was down there I was thinking about life and I started getting my typically strange thoughts. I got the message to be primal. I was also thinking about the way I see and experience this beautiful world, and wondered how other species experiences compared.
And I got the word primal again.
I looked up the word primal and found words like original, first of its kind. I was thinking about the Earth as she was in her primal stage, thinking about how energy moved.
That felt right. It seemed the energy moved slowly and thoroughly and without bigotry.
I also found primal diet. It seems to be primarily vegetarian, primarily raw, with just a bit of opportunistic animal protein included.
I may have to play with that, since I am still struggling to find my way to my body.
The baby will be 3 tomorrow. That seems so outrageous. She's just a little tyke - but she's not any more. Guess I should join your son for change lessons!!
Love and hugs from Clare
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
losing my patience
Clare,
I'm still laughing about your falling off your shoes story…
I needed a chuckle- thanks.
My young one continues to try to assert himself in aggressive ways. Last night I was becoming sarcastic back and husband tried to separate us…
verbally…
I lashed out at husband because I am trying hard not to overreact to my youngest. I am getting to the end of my patience. I'll have to call upon the guides to grace me with more.
I am finally getting to writing my final exam. I've procrastinated long enough. I will be relieved to have this semester behind me. I will miss working with college aged students, but the frustration I've been feeling this semester overshadows that.
It is later than I thought. I'm going to keep this short tonight. I will catch up with you tomorrow.
This time of transitions is really kicking my ass.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I'm still laughing about your falling off your shoes story…
I needed a chuckle- thanks.
My young one continues to try to assert himself in aggressive ways. Last night I was becoming sarcastic back and husband tried to separate us…
verbally…
I lashed out at husband because I am trying hard not to overreact to my youngest. I am getting to the end of my patience. I'll have to call upon the guides to grace me with more.
I am finally getting to writing my final exam. I've procrastinated long enough. I will be relieved to have this semester behind me. I will miss working with college aged students, but the frustration I've been feeling this semester overshadows that.
It is later than I thought. I'm going to keep this short tonight. I will catch up with you tomorrow.
This time of transitions is really kicking my ass.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, April 25, 2016
ride it
Hi Maggie,
I'm glad you are centering a bit, and that Friends helped. I am also glad that you are giving up teaching. That hasn't seemed rewarding for you for the last while. And I think emptying your plate, just a little, might really help you.
I think you should trust the Light, discern, but get swept away a little bit. The decisions have been made. You are moving forward. Enjoy the ride.
From the outside, I have been wondering how the boys would all affect each other. I think the new brothers have potential to guide and educate your son, as well as vice versa. It might be really rewarding to live with someone who sees your lifestyle differently, because their own is worlds away. I am thinking about this from each point of view. They have great potential to influence each other's world view. They may all end up being better men because of it.
I honor your courage to follow this leading...
I fell off a pair of wedgie sandals I bought - because they were cute, and I wanted something different from the Birkies I have been wearing for decades. I have never fallen off my Birkies...I think I need a wardrobe of funky, colorful sneakers to wear when I need to be shod...A friend suggested I get a tattoo that announces Forever Barefoot or Barefoot Forever...But my arm is achey and I am tired, and definitely lacking profundity. (S#3 is going to take the sandals. She has been warned that they are broncing buccos...of course, she never walked on dirt roads, which I was doing when they took me down!)
So I'll leave you with Love and Light.
And hugs from Clare
I'm glad you are centering a bit, and that Friends helped. I am also glad that you are giving up teaching. That hasn't seemed rewarding for you for the last while. And I think emptying your plate, just a little, might really help you.
I think you should trust the Light, discern, but get swept away a little bit. The decisions have been made. You are moving forward. Enjoy the ride.
From the outside, I have been wondering how the boys would all affect each other. I think the new brothers have potential to guide and educate your son, as well as vice versa. It might be really rewarding to live with someone who sees your lifestyle differently, because their own is worlds away. I am thinking about this from each point of view. They have great potential to influence each other's world view. They may all end up being better men because of it.
I honor your courage to follow this leading...
I fell off a pair of wedgie sandals I bought - because they were cute, and I wanted something different from the Birkies I have been wearing for decades. I have never fallen off my Birkies...I think I need a wardrobe of funky, colorful sneakers to wear when I need to be shod...A friend suggested I get a tattoo that announces Forever Barefoot or Barefoot Forever...But my arm is achey and I am tired, and definitely lacking profundity. (S#3 is going to take the sandals. She has been warned that they are broncing buccos...of course, she never walked on dirt roads, which I was doing when they took me down!)
So I'll leave you with Love and Light.
And hugs from Clare
Sunday, April 24, 2016
attached
Clare,
Today was a better day. I spent the morning at Meeting, speaking with Friends who care about us. Several asked how life was going, and I was able to speak my frustration and pain- with a bit of humor added into the mix. It felt good to let some of it go. One woman joked that I was taking on more teenagers as I was struggling with my own- not really a joke though. I wonder what the Light is guiding me towards? I do feel I am being led on this journey. I am trying to not get swept up into the journey though. I am trying to be conscious and discerning along the way.
I took the two young men to my favorite mountain on Saturday. We hiked, and talked, and laughed. It was good. The older wanted to take a more challenging path- so I reluctantly allowed him to go separately. I joked with the younger that if anything were to happen to him the group home leader would "have my head on a stick". Very seriously he told me that he and his brother would not allow them to hurt me- they will protect me. I guess he is getting attached to us. I know I am getting attached to them.
I look forward to the weekends, finding new things to do together. The younger is harder to engage- he is very shy. He feels best if he is in the basement playing video games. He did tell me that he enjoys getting out and walking together though. He is thin, but very out of shape. I can walk faster and farther than he can. It is eye opening.
This is my last week of teaching for the university. I have said that before- but this time I believe it to be true. I will miss the students, and the faculty. I cannot handle the new job and teaching responsibilities. I cannot do both well. I have to start concentrating on doing things fully committed for the new job. Up until now I've been learning the projects and meeting people.
I hope you have a wonderful day,
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Today was a better day. I spent the morning at Meeting, speaking with Friends who care about us. Several asked how life was going, and I was able to speak my frustration and pain- with a bit of humor added into the mix. It felt good to let some of it go. One woman joked that I was taking on more teenagers as I was struggling with my own- not really a joke though. I wonder what the Light is guiding me towards? I do feel I am being led on this journey. I am trying to not get swept up into the journey though. I am trying to be conscious and discerning along the way.
I took the two young men to my favorite mountain on Saturday. We hiked, and talked, and laughed. It was good. The older wanted to take a more challenging path- so I reluctantly allowed him to go separately. I joked with the younger that if anything were to happen to him the group home leader would "have my head on a stick". Very seriously he told me that he and his brother would not allow them to hurt me- they will protect me. I guess he is getting attached to us. I know I am getting attached to them.
I look forward to the weekends, finding new things to do together. The younger is harder to engage- he is very shy. He feels best if he is in the basement playing video games. He did tell me that he enjoys getting out and walking together though. He is thin, but very out of shape. I can walk faster and farther than he can. It is eye opening.
This is my last week of teaching for the university. I have said that before- but this time I believe it to be true. I will miss the students, and the faculty. I cannot handle the new job and teaching responsibilities. I cannot do both well. I have to start concentrating on doing things fully committed for the new job. Up until now I've been learning the projects and meeting people.
I hope you have a wonderful day,
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Saturday, April 23, 2016
Doing a Clare
Hi Love,
I am sorry life continues to be so frustrating for you. And I hope my last post wasn't too harsh. In my family, that was known as ...ahem...doing a "Clare."
I would emotionally and verbally get in my kids', and occasionally their friends', faces and really talk about the repercussions and deeper meanings of some of their actions and decisions. Once my youngest and his best friend, who wanted to be part of our family at that time, pulled a series of mean-spirited practical jokes on my youngest daughter. She was really hurt, and they thought they were really funny.
We sat down and had a talk about taking away my daughter's home. She was no longer safe here, and this was the one place in the world that she was supposed to be welcomed and accepted and loved. We talked about how they were putting her on the outside of the community by making her the butt of every joke. We talked about humor, and who all might think this was funny. We talked about the kind of men they wanted to be when they grew up, and was this the way they wanted to behave??
This may have been the time when the phrase "Doing a Clare" was coined.
At one point, they asked me to just hit them or punish them. This was too hard. But I never beat the children...too bad for them!!
It must not have been too unbearable, because I had a string of teens who wanted to live with me, and who basically moved in. I was happy to offer that. Dear friends did the same for my oldest, when my ex and I were separating, and I value them so much.
But every behavior has repercussions. Everything we do determines who we are and it influences the way the world is...
So, I'm not sure if I was appropriate, but I was trying to be authentic.
My youngest has a compressed nerve and is in some pain. I will be taking the baby overnight. I will spend the afternoon preparing for the contra dance, but I won't be attending. I have been getting a sense of how small my life is lately. Do I drown in it? Or do I come up, and maybe even climb out...???
The ruffed grouse continues to call me...I hope I am getting the message...
Love and hugs from Clare
I am sorry life continues to be so frustrating for you. And I hope my last post wasn't too harsh. In my family, that was known as ...ahem...doing a "Clare."
I would emotionally and verbally get in my kids', and occasionally their friends', faces and really talk about the repercussions and deeper meanings of some of their actions and decisions. Once my youngest and his best friend, who wanted to be part of our family at that time, pulled a series of mean-spirited practical jokes on my youngest daughter. She was really hurt, and they thought they were really funny.
We sat down and had a talk about taking away my daughter's home. She was no longer safe here, and this was the one place in the world that she was supposed to be welcomed and accepted and loved. We talked about how they were putting her on the outside of the community by making her the butt of every joke. We talked about humor, and who all might think this was funny. We talked about the kind of men they wanted to be when they grew up, and was this the way they wanted to behave??
This may have been the time when the phrase "Doing a Clare" was coined.
At one point, they asked me to just hit them or punish them. This was too hard. But I never beat the children...too bad for them!!
It must not have been too unbearable, because I had a string of teens who wanted to live with me, and who basically moved in. I was happy to offer that. Dear friends did the same for my oldest, when my ex and I were separating, and I value them so much.
But every behavior has repercussions. Everything we do determines who we are and it influences the way the world is...
So, I'm not sure if I was appropriate, but I was trying to be authentic.
My youngest has a compressed nerve and is in some pain. I will be taking the baby overnight. I will spend the afternoon preparing for the contra dance, but I won't be attending. I have been getting a sense of how small my life is lately. Do I drown in it? Or do I come up, and maybe even climb out...???
The ruffed grouse continues to call me...I hope I am getting the message...
Love and hugs from Clare
Friday, April 22, 2016
confusing
Clare,
Long week…
as usual.
My son is till picking a fight…
he has promised to continue this as long as he is grounded.
Monday…
I hope he makes it without any further problems…
I cannot stand the thought of him grounded any longer…
it's harder on me than him I think…
One more week in this semester…
I've definitely burnt out this semester.
I am giving 10 point, extra credit quizzes for one class to encourage attendance in the last 2 weeks…
Today 2 students showed up long enough to take the extra credit quiz and left…
I allowed myself to be offended…
seriously…
they walked out before I began my lecture.
I'm pretty entertaining…
what are they thinking.
Anyway, I got pissed and gave them 0 points for the quiz…
perhaps they will regret their decision…
probably not though.
I think I need a break.
I have been holding my family in the Light…
Patience…
Understanding…
appreciating each others' perspectives…
loving unconditionally.
It's challenging right now.
I appreciate your insight…
I'm not sure if taking him to yoga was a good idea rot not.
I want him to know that he is unconditionally loved…
and when I'm angry I still love him…
but I see your point that he will get the message that he can bully and get away from it.
It's hard to know how to have a "heart at Peace" and still hold others accountable.
Life is confusing.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Long week…
as usual.
My son is till picking a fight…
he has promised to continue this as long as he is grounded.
Monday…
I hope he makes it without any further problems…
I cannot stand the thought of him grounded any longer…
it's harder on me than him I think…
One more week in this semester…
I've definitely burnt out this semester.
I am giving 10 point, extra credit quizzes for one class to encourage attendance in the last 2 weeks…
Today 2 students showed up long enough to take the extra credit quiz and left…
I allowed myself to be offended…
seriously…
they walked out before I began my lecture.
I'm pretty entertaining…
what are they thinking.
Anyway, I got pissed and gave them 0 points for the quiz…
perhaps they will regret their decision…
probably not though.
I think I need a break.
I have been holding my family in the Light…
Patience…
Understanding…
appreciating each others' perspectives…
loving unconditionally.
It's challenging right now.
I appreciate your insight…
I'm not sure if taking him to yoga was a good idea rot not.
I want him to know that he is unconditionally loved…
and when I'm angry I still love him…
but I see your point that he will get the message that he can bully and get away from it.
It's hard to know how to have a "heart at Peace" and still hold others accountable.
Life is confusing.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
don't hide it
Hi Maggie,
I'm not sure I can give any great advice, because none of my children were ever as headstrong as this one. Mine were all willing to negotiate and honor their agreement.
Are there any men in his life that he respects? Are there any men in his life who have heard him bully? Have any of them talked to him about how men behave?
I think bullying is a learned behavior. Who bullied him and taught him to do this? Older sibs? Someone at school? One thing that comes to mind that might help is an AVP workshop. It really changed things for my middle and youngest sons.
Maybe we could organize one and attendance could be part of his probation...
Just clutching at straws here...allergies can cause inflammation. It could be influencing him physically in a way that throws him off psychologically.
Oh, he pays for the door, or he repairs it.
A friend of mine was with a man who said some really cruel things to her sons. She said she wasn't sure what to say. I pointed out that by saying nothing, she was giving him permission to continue being a bully. By taking your son to yoga, pretending things were okay, you were letting him know - hey it's okay. That's just my view from the outside...Unconditional love has to include boundaries - it has to include unconditional love for yourself. You are teaching him that women will allow this behavior and then accept it, and go on as if everything was okay. How violent does he have to get before you stop him? Is that what he is trying to discern? Or does he have a psych disorder?
Of course, stopping him sounds impossible. He has no respect for any limit you set, and does not understand he has to set limits for himself...
I will hold you both in the Light. I will send LOVE...and if you need to talk, I will listen. Sometimes that is where the right answer comes from...from inside you.
Also, it is not up to you to recreate trust. You did not savage it. He did. He has to mend fences and get you to trust him again. Until then, don't trust him. And don't hide it.
One last thought...who all does he bully? Who does he attack? What are the circumstances where he can control himself even when thwarted? If he never has control, then there is a problem and he needs an evaluation. If he can control it and only unleashes it on you, or a limited few - then he can control, he just chooses not to with you. He needs to understand that about himself.
Holding you in love and light...Clare
I'm not sure I can give any great advice, because none of my children were ever as headstrong as this one. Mine were all willing to negotiate and honor their agreement.
Are there any men in his life that he respects? Are there any men in his life who have heard him bully? Have any of them talked to him about how men behave?
I think bullying is a learned behavior. Who bullied him and taught him to do this? Older sibs? Someone at school? One thing that comes to mind that might help is an AVP workshop. It really changed things for my middle and youngest sons.
Maybe we could organize one and attendance could be part of his probation...
Just clutching at straws here...allergies can cause inflammation. It could be influencing him physically in a way that throws him off psychologically.
Oh, he pays for the door, or he repairs it.
A friend of mine was with a man who said some really cruel things to her sons. She said she wasn't sure what to say. I pointed out that by saying nothing, she was giving him permission to continue being a bully. By taking your son to yoga, pretending things were okay, you were letting him know - hey it's okay. That's just my view from the outside...Unconditional love has to include boundaries - it has to include unconditional love for yourself. You are teaching him that women will allow this behavior and then accept it, and go on as if everything was okay. How violent does he have to get before you stop him? Is that what he is trying to discern? Or does he have a psych disorder?
Of course, stopping him sounds impossible. He has no respect for any limit you set, and does not understand he has to set limits for himself...
I will hold you both in the Light. I will send LOVE...and if you need to talk, I will listen. Sometimes that is where the right answer comes from...from inside you.
Also, it is not up to you to recreate trust. You did not savage it. He did. He has to mend fences and get you to trust him again. Until then, don't trust him. And don't hide it.
One last thought...who all does he bully? Who does he attack? What are the circumstances where he can control himself even when thwarted? If he never has control, then there is a problem and he needs an evaluation. If he can control it and only unleashes it on you, or a limited few - then he can control, he just chooses not to with you. He needs to understand that about himself.
Holding you in love and light...Clare
afraid
Clare,
I like the peace/war symbolism in your last post…
very profound…
the 4 feels like completeness…
at least to me.
I have been struggling with my youngest the past few days…
or weeks probably.
I have made it clear to him that if an item is illegal, and I find it in the house, it is gone.
Yesterday I found a small piece of glass, used to smoke stuff and I threw it away.
That action set off a tyrade the likes of which I had not previously seen.
I was called horrible names….
a door was broken…
similar glass was thrown onto the driveway where it shattered…
and I was left feeling very beaten down.
I told him he was being a bully…
and that I refused to engage in that type of behavior which at first made him furious, and then allowed him time to consider that- he agreed he was being a bully.
I told him the rules are simple- no illegal stuff…
he's pissing his earnings away because I'm throwing stuff away…
it's madness.
I don't know how to recreate trust right now. He verbally abused me. He called me names no one had ever called me before. He called me names I do not identify with. He was going for the jugular…and I refused him access.
Later in the evening he went to yoga with me- to calm down.
Part of me was grateful that he chose an activity that is so introspective…
Part of me just wanted to be away from him…
I resented sharing "my time" with an abuser.
I'm not sure what the right answer was…
but I allowed him to come along.
I don't know how much of this I can take.
He's escalating, because he's grounded- originally for "substance violations" and curfew issues…
now he's grounded because he keeps leaving while he's grounded…
and yet I'm persecuting him by keeping him trapped at home.
He's so impulsive…
how is he going to survive?
I'm so afraid he'll be dead by 25…
he doesn't think of consequences or alternative decisions…
he doesn't consider the possibilities.
I'm afraid of him …
and I'm afraid for him…
not a very healthy place to be living.
I've got a lot to consider with this one. Any advice would be welcomed.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I like the peace/war symbolism in your last post…
very profound…
the 4 feels like completeness…
at least to me.
I have been struggling with my youngest the past few days…
or weeks probably.
I have made it clear to him that if an item is illegal, and I find it in the house, it is gone.
Yesterday I found a small piece of glass, used to smoke stuff and I threw it away.
That action set off a tyrade the likes of which I had not previously seen.
I was called horrible names….
a door was broken…
similar glass was thrown onto the driveway where it shattered…
and I was left feeling very beaten down.
I told him he was being a bully…
and that I refused to engage in that type of behavior which at first made him furious, and then allowed him time to consider that- he agreed he was being a bully.
I told him the rules are simple- no illegal stuff…
he's pissing his earnings away because I'm throwing stuff away…
it's madness.
I don't know how to recreate trust right now. He verbally abused me. He called me names no one had ever called me before. He called me names I do not identify with. He was going for the jugular…and I refused him access.
Later in the evening he went to yoga with me- to calm down.
Part of me was grateful that he chose an activity that is so introspective…
Part of me just wanted to be away from him…
I resented sharing "my time" with an abuser.
I'm not sure what the right answer was…
but I allowed him to come along.
I don't know how much of this I can take.
He's escalating, because he's grounded- originally for "substance violations" and curfew issues…
now he's grounded because he keeps leaving while he's grounded…
and yet I'm persecuting him by keeping him trapped at home.
He's so impulsive…
how is he going to survive?
I'm so afraid he'll be dead by 25…
he doesn't think of consequences or alternative decisions…
he doesn't consider the possibilities.
I'm afraid of him …
and I'm afraid for him…
not a very healthy place to be living.
I've got a lot to consider with this one. Any advice would be welcomed.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
Peace Eagles
Hi Maggie,
Reality check...if he didn't buy the car, and didn't pay the insurance, the money is not his to spend. The providers of the money get to choose. Mine had older Volvos when they lived at home. Reliable, exceptionally safe, and hard to posture as Speed Racer. It worked for us. Have fun negotiating with yours!
I know mine have been faithfully guarded through similar incidents. They have a reason for being here. The world needs your boy, and so he is protected.
I found The Girls With the Grandmother Faces in an unusual corner. I'm thinking a toddler who lights up my life may have had a hand in that! I started reading and love it. I am feeling hopeful and positive. The author went back to school in her 60s. She is gently letting me realize there are many options available...wonder if there are old lady scholarships. The thought of taking on school loans has stopped me in the past. I can't afford to screw myself like that...
Today the house started vibrating, then shaking. It was loud. I went to the back door and saw four military helicopters in perfect diamond formation cross over my house and yard. The dog was not a fan. It really creeped me out, made me feel almost frightened. The later this afternoon I was outside with kid and dogs hanging laundry and bringing in dry clothes and as I stepped into the mudroom, I saw a huge shadow on the lawn. I stepped back out and looked up and there were four Peace Eagles swooping over the house and down over the yard, then back up over the trees at the back of the lot. They stayed and whirled and swirled and danced on the winds for a long time. My heart was bubbling over with joy. The baby and I watched and greeted them and told them how beautiful they are.
Later, when we walked down to the creek, I wondered if today offered a choice or if it was portent. Is it time to decide between civilization/militarization and Peace? or will we have a time of militarism and control, followed by the joy and freedom of riding the winds in community?
Four has to do with kidneys and adrenals/orange chakra.
I think your sons will find out what happened to their Mom when it is time to know. I guess for all of this, everything both you and they are going through, trust the process. I do understand your frustration, though. I have such mixed feelings about the system. And you are right, they don't even really consider kids real people...
And so I am going to go and write...
I will watch for you here. Keep smiling. Keep challenging your students. The profs we remember are the tough ones, even though we didn't love them while we had them!
Love and hugs from Clare
Reality check...if he didn't buy the car, and didn't pay the insurance, the money is not his to spend. The providers of the money get to choose. Mine had older Volvos when they lived at home. Reliable, exceptionally safe, and hard to posture as Speed Racer. It worked for us. Have fun negotiating with yours!
I know mine have been faithfully guarded through similar incidents. They have a reason for being here. The world needs your boy, and so he is protected.
I found The Girls With the Grandmother Faces in an unusual corner. I'm thinking a toddler who lights up my life may have had a hand in that! I started reading and love it. I am feeling hopeful and positive. The author went back to school in her 60s. She is gently letting me realize there are many options available...wonder if there are old lady scholarships. The thought of taking on school loans has stopped me in the past. I can't afford to screw myself like that...
Today the house started vibrating, then shaking. It was loud. I went to the back door and saw four military helicopters in perfect diamond formation cross over my house and yard. The dog was not a fan. It really creeped me out, made me feel almost frightened. The later this afternoon I was outside with kid and dogs hanging laundry and bringing in dry clothes and as I stepped into the mudroom, I saw a huge shadow on the lawn. I stepped back out and looked up and there were four Peace Eagles swooping over the house and down over the yard, then back up over the trees at the back of the lot. They stayed and whirled and swirled and danced on the winds for a long time. My heart was bubbling over with joy. The baby and I watched and greeted them and told them how beautiful they are.
Later, when we walked down to the creek, I wondered if today offered a choice or if it was portent. Is it time to decide between civilization/militarization and Peace? or will we have a time of militarism and control, followed by the joy and freedom of riding the winds in community?
Four has to do with kidneys and adrenals/orange chakra.
I think your sons will find out what happened to their Mom when it is time to know. I guess for all of this, everything both you and they are going through, trust the process. I do understand your frustration, though. I have such mixed feelings about the system. And you are right, they don't even really consider kids real people...
And so I am going to go and write...
I will watch for you here. Keep smiling. Keep challenging your students. The profs we remember are the tough ones, even though we didn't love them while we had them!
Love and hugs from Clare
Monday, April 18, 2016
say a little prayer- Hold us in the Light
Clare,
I love your face…
I love you…
it's all good.
So my youngest's accident resulted in the car being "totaled"…
more that $16,000 in damages…
not a scratch on his body…
the Angels of Protection really were with him that evening.
He wants to take that money and buy a mustang…
he thinks it's a bargain…
and an obvious choice.
He doesn't see the dangers involved in a powerful car with less safety features.
He is going to age me.
Tomorrow is our second home visit by the Children and Youth Services officials…
I feel so scrutinized.
My home is clean and safe…
just move this along thank you.
I have filled out another inch of papers to prove that we are responsible, nice, nonviolent people.
They never ask the kids…
what do you want?
where would you like to live?
I have to be their voice…
I stop meetings if they (the young men) are present and ask their opinions…
no one else seems to consider this a worthy endeavor…
I've been told that's the social worker in me…
but most of the CYS people are social workers too.
I am excited about the extended family. The great grandma has kind, gentle eyes and is very soft spoken. She promised to pull out the family photo albums next time. I am looking forward to that. It was great to see photos of the young men and their siblings…
it was sad to consider they are isolated from most of their siblings though.
The great aunt was reminiscing about their mother…
they learned several things about their mom that they never knew before. It helped a few more pieces of the puzzle fit together. The older complained that no one will tell him his mom's cause of death…he's asked 2 people who should be able to share that with him…but they tell him it was a prolonged illness…nothing else. I asked if he wants me to find out for him…he said no, he'll handle it. When he really wants to know I will help him. But, that will open a whole other set of questions for him.
I'm not a big believer in withholding truth from children (or anyone)…
but the news should be shared when they are ready and want the information.
Otherwise it is too overwhelming for them to hear.
I was so angry when I found out husband was withholding info about my breast cancer from me…
I threatened to take him off my 'contacts list' and not allow the providers to share info with him.
I need a break from this semester…
this morning I was so Bitchy during lab…
I showed up and 5 -6 students were wearing shorts and flip flops…
I sent them out…
either change into appropriate lab clothing or don't get credit for the day…
they were shocked that I was so strong about it…
but we were working with glass and chemicals…
injuries happen.
Anyway I started to present the material for the lab- urinary system…
and no one answered the questions (I exaggerate- 2 people answered the questions) I posed…
I was so frustrated because we took an exam on the same material Friday and most did poorly…
I told them I'm not curving the exam because they should know this basic information.
I think they were shocked…
I think I was shocked at myself…
I just want them to care…
as much as I care...
Anyway…
life is challenging.
it always is.
I'm being pushed from many sides…
but, with a bit of flexibility, I am standing up to all of it.
Say a little prayer for me/us tomorrow.
I love your face…
I love you…
it's all good.
So my youngest's accident resulted in the car being "totaled"…
more that $16,000 in damages…
not a scratch on his body…
the Angels of Protection really were with him that evening.
He wants to take that money and buy a mustang…
he thinks it's a bargain…
and an obvious choice.
He doesn't see the dangers involved in a powerful car with less safety features.
He is going to age me.
Tomorrow is our second home visit by the Children and Youth Services officials…
I feel so scrutinized.
My home is clean and safe…
just move this along thank you.
I have filled out another inch of papers to prove that we are responsible, nice, nonviolent people.
They never ask the kids…
what do you want?
where would you like to live?
I have to be their voice…
I stop meetings if they (the young men) are present and ask their opinions…
no one else seems to consider this a worthy endeavor…
I've been told that's the social worker in me…
but most of the CYS people are social workers too.
I am excited about the extended family. The great grandma has kind, gentle eyes and is very soft spoken. She promised to pull out the family photo albums next time. I am looking forward to that. It was great to see photos of the young men and their siblings…
it was sad to consider they are isolated from most of their siblings though.
The great aunt was reminiscing about their mother…
they learned several things about their mom that they never knew before. It helped a few more pieces of the puzzle fit together. The older complained that no one will tell him his mom's cause of death…he's asked 2 people who should be able to share that with him…but they tell him it was a prolonged illness…nothing else. I asked if he wants me to find out for him…he said no, he'll handle it. When he really wants to know I will help him. But, that will open a whole other set of questions for him.
I'm not a big believer in withholding truth from children (or anyone)…
but the news should be shared when they are ready and want the information.
Otherwise it is too overwhelming for them to hear.
I was so angry when I found out husband was withholding info about my breast cancer from me…
I threatened to take him off my 'contacts list' and not allow the providers to share info with him.
I need a break from this semester…
this morning I was so Bitchy during lab…
I showed up and 5 -6 students were wearing shorts and flip flops…
I sent them out…
either change into appropriate lab clothing or don't get credit for the day…
they were shocked that I was so strong about it…
but we were working with glass and chemicals…
injuries happen.
Anyway I started to present the material for the lab- urinary system…
and no one answered the questions (I exaggerate- 2 people answered the questions) I posed…
I was so frustrated because we took an exam on the same material Friday and most did poorly…
I told them I'm not curving the exam because they should know this basic information.
I think they were shocked…
I think I was shocked at myself…
I just want them to care…
as much as I care...
Anyway…
life is challenging.
it always is.
I'm being pushed from many sides…
but, with a bit of flexibility, I am standing up to all of it.
Say a little prayer for me/us tomorrow.
Hi Maggie,
I like your reminiscences of Grandma. I knew her younger, you knew her older. I missed a lot at the end. I knew she lived with Aunt L. for awhile. I thought she was going to stay there, but it seemed to be a stepping stone to the home. I often think about her being blind and deaf at the end. I wonder if that came from not seeing and not hearing when she could. I also wonder if it is frightening or boring or sublimely peaceful.
I am not critiquing my face as much as studying it and trying to understand it. I think it is part of never have really occupied me more than I had to. It is the facade of what is happening inside. I would go out on a limb and say we all have an age that sort of shocks us, and takes a little more awareness to accept and become - even if we are really no different from the day before. It is probably different for each person...who knows.
I went to my older friends memorial service this weekend. It was perfect - laughter mixed with tears. A really nice thing her daughters did was to put out a large selection of her books and ask people to take home as many as they wanted. I picked up about five...
Keeping in mind the thoughts I have been rolling here lately, and keeping in mind we live in a generous universe who delivers what we need when we need it...of course I found a perfect book. It is called The Girls With the Grandmother Faces. I wanted to start reading immediately, but it is not in the pile...meaning it's not quite time. But I'm sure I will read it soon.
I went for along walk today. It was so beautiful outside. We live on such a beautiful planet.
You may end up with a more extended extended family...how cool! Keep me posted on the developments with your new boys.
Love and hugs from Clare
I am not critiquing my face as much as studying it and trying to understand it. I think it is part of never have really occupied me more than I had to. It is the facade of what is happening inside. I would go out on a limb and say we all have an age that sort of shocks us, and takes a little more awareness to accept and become - even if we are really no different from the day before. It is probably different for each person...who knows.
I went to my older friends memorial service this weekend. It was perfect - laughter mixed with tears. A really nice thing her daughters did was to put out a large selection of her books and ask people to take home as many as they wanted. I picked up about five...
Keeping in mind the thoughts I have been rolling here lately, and keeping in mind we live in a generous universe who delivers what we need when we need it...of course I found a perfect book. It is called The Girls With the Grandmother Faces. I wanted to start reading immediately, but it is not in the pile...meaning it's not quite time. But I'm sure I will read it soon.
I went for along walk today. It was so beautiful outside. We live on such a beautiful planet.
You may end up with a more extended extended family...how cool! Keep me posted on the developments with your new boys.
Love and hugs from Clare
Sunday, April 17, 2016
beautiful sister
Clare,
We loved grandma…
I never thought of her as old…
until she was moved into the nursing home…
and then only after she started to slip.
At first I felt as if she was there only to get her out of everyone's hair…
Pop was there, so she must belong there too.
She did not like being in the same room as him…
she complained to me that she wanted her own space…
and was relieved when his health deteriorated and he was moved.
He was OK to visit, but she didn't want to be roomies.
Did anyone ever listen to her?
She was pushed into so many things throughout her life.
I wonder what she could have become if she hadn't married Pop and forced to live in the family home and care for family.
I don't know if she would have been happier.
I don't know if she would still have been so passive.
I cannot imagine her any way except for how she was.
But I love her and the memory of her.
You still have time to make changes…
make choices that can spark your life…
become more of who you are meant to be.
Who is that?
What are the characteristics that you want to cultivate?
Plant the seeds and nurture them…
"fake it 'til you make it"
It's time to make choices, so that you don't spend the remainder of your life saying
'coulda', 'shoulda', 'woulda'
We spent the afternoon with the young men's grandmother, great aunt, and great-greatgrandmother along with a cousin and her kids. I was anticipating the worst…
and it was wonderful.
They didn't question me, or my motives for helping the young men…
they were grateful for my kindness and willingness to care for the young men.
I told them I need their support to raise these two…
reassured them that we would continue contact and encourage family time.
It was very nice.
Sometimes life gives you lemonade!
I hope that you find some peace and contentment instead of critiquing your face. You are beautiful. Every feature tells a tale of your life. Own it. Be proud of it. The perfect body, or face, begins within, not from outside.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
We loved grandma…
I never thought of her as old…
until she was moved into the nursing home…
and then only after she started to slip.
At first I felt as if she was there only to get her out of everyone's hair…
Pop was there, so she must belong there too.
She did not like being in the same room as him…
she complained to me that she wanted her own space…
and was relieved when his health deteriorated and he was moved.
He was OK to visit, but she didn't want to be roomies.
Did anyone ever listen to her?
She was pushed into so many things throughout her life.
I wonder what she could have become if she hadn't married Pop and forced to live in the family home and care for family.
I don't know if she would have been happier.
I don't know if she would still have been so passive.
I cannot imagine her any way except for how she was.
But I love her and the memory of her.
You still have time to make changes…
make choices that can spark your life…
become more of who you are meant to be.
Who is that?
What are the characteristics that you want to cultivate?
Plant the seeds and nurture them…
"fake it 'til you make it"
It's time to make choices, so that you don't spend the remainder of your life saying
'coulda', 'shoulda', 'woulda'
We spent the afternoon with the young men's grandmother, great aunt, and great-greatgrandmother along with a cousin and her kids. I was anticipating the worst…
and it was wonderful.
They didn't question me, or my motives for helping the young men…
they were grateful for my kindness and willingness to care for the young men.
I told them I need their support to raise these two…
reassured them that we would continue contact and encourage family time.
It was very nice.
Sometimes life gives you lemonade!
I hope that you find some peace and contentment instead of critiquing your face. You are beautiful. Every feature tells a tale of your life. Own it. Be proud of it. The perfect body, or face, begins within, not from outside.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Saturday, April 16, 2016
not all here
Good morning Maggie.
I'm having a thoughtful morning - the calm before the storm I suppose.
I am making a vegan soup to take to a memorial service for my older friend who died last month. And I am nearing my sixtieth birthday. And I tried on lipstick this week - the first time in ages...and it bled into those little lips that develop when we get old.
And I am feeling less like me and more like a grandma. I am identifying as old, although I don't want to and I am trying to find ways not to go there.
Is this normal?
I don't like the way I look. I don't like the bags under my eyes. I know they are there because of kidney insufficiency. Kidney is life, according to my understanding of Chinese Medical Theory. I think I have always had kidney insufficiency.
I feel like I am not done, like I have so much to offer to so many...which led to my next thought...something I am pulling apart in my mind...
Have I ever committed to life?
I don't know if I have ever committed to life, to being here, to participating. I am reminded of the past life your healer brought forward. Excuse me, past lives. In both I was watching, analyzing, trying to understand. I feel that me in this persona. I am sort of here. But I don't think I have ever committed.
I don't know how...
And maybe that is my kidney insufficiency...
Love and hugs from Clare
I'm having a thoughtful morning - the calm before the storm I suppose.
I am making a vegan soup to take to a memorial service for my older friend who died last month. And I am nearing my sixtieth birthday. And I tried on lipstick this week - the first time in ages...and it bled into those little lips that develop when we get old.
And I am feeling less like me and more like a grandma. I am identifying as old, although I don't want to and I am trying to find ways not to go there.
Is this normal?
I don't like the way I look. I don't like the bags under my eyes. I know they are there because of kidney insufficiency. Kidney is life, according to my understanding of Chinese Medical Theory. I think I have always had kidney insufficiency.
I feel like I am not done, like I have so much to offer to so many...which led to my next thought...something I am pulling apart in my mind...
Have I ever committed to life?
I don't know if I have ever committed to life, to being here, to participating. I am reminded of the past life your healer brought forward. Excuse me, past lives. In both I was watching, analyzing, trying to understand. I feel that me in this persona. I am sort of here. But I don't think I have ever committed.
I don't know how...
And maybe that is my kidney insufficiency...
Love and hugs from Clare
Friday, April 15, 2016
kingfisher
Wow, Maggie,
You have been slammed.
I understand about setting boundaries. It is hard, I think because we don't know this. When you are abused as a child, especially sexually, you are trained from an early age that you have no boundaries, and in fact you have no self. We all just want to be good and cooperative and do whatever we are asked, because, maybe that means we are good and acceptable, and maybe we won't even be raped.
I realized I could not even define boundaries. I needed to hear Brene say - it's simply what we will and will not allow. Easy. Well, once you learn you can say no, or maybe that you are allowed to say no.
It is so easy to say yes when someone asks for something. It's usually no big deal. It is so hard to realize we are setting precedent and making it always okay...
The weather has been so grey, so frightful, for so many days. We have been inside too. But yesterday I went for a hike with my little buddy, who is getting very strong. She can move. We took a new path through woods and pasture - maybe a mile and a half. And of course I had an encounter which led to me looking up the meaning of...kingfisher.
We were walking along the dirt road in front of my house, near the neighbor's pond. A bird started chittering and then flitted from one tree to another. I saw the dark back with a white band on the neck, then he flashed his underbelly- the opposite - white with a dark neck stripe. He chittered and moved three times, stopping to look at me, making sure I knew we were connected.
I wasn't sure what the bird was. His profile is very unique, although kingfisher crossed my mind, and was the first bird I looked up in my field guide. Then we listened to him on the Cornell Ornithology Lab site. Bingo...
http://www.linsdomain.com/totems/pages/kingfisher.htm
a symbol of peace and prosperity.
The Kingfisher is the promise of abundance --
I'll take it!!
You have had your hands full with boys...It does come to an end. They do grow up and move out...I'm glad my nephew was not hurt in the accident - nor anyone else.
We are going to walk to the store...1.75 miles downhill, the 1.75 miles up hill. It's always so easy to get there...
But it's a beautiful day!
Love and hugs from Clare!
You have been slammed.
I understand about setting boundaries. It is hard, I think because we don't know this. When you are abused as a child, especially sexually, you are trained from an early age that you have no boundaries, and in fact you have no self. We all just want to be good and cooperative and do whatever we are asked, because, maybe that means we are good and acceptable, and maybe we won't even be raped.
I realized I could not even define boundaries. I needed to hear Brene say - it's simply what we will and will not allow. Easy. Well, once you learn you can say no, or maybe that you are allowed to say no.
It is so easy to say yes when someone asks for something. It's usually no big deal. It is so hard to realize we are setting precedent and making it always okay...
The weather has been so grey, so frightful, for so many days. We have been inside too. But yesterday I went for a hike with my little buddy, who is getting very strong. She can move. We took a new path through woods and pasture - maybe a mile and a half. And of course I had an encounter which led to me looking up the meaning of...kingfisher.
We were walking along the dirt road in front of my house, near the neighbor's pond. A bird started chittering and then flitted from one tree to another. I saw the dark back with a white band on the neck, then he flashed his underbelly- the opposite - white with a dark neck stripe. He chittered and moved three times, stopping to look at me, making sure I knew we were connected.
I wasn't sure what the bird was. His profile is very unique, although kingfisher crossed my mind, and was the first bird I looked up in my field guide. Then we listened to him on the Cornell Ornithology Lab site. Bingo...
http://www.linsdomain.com/totems/pages/kingfisher.htm
a symbol of peace and prosperity.
The Kingfisher is the promise of abundance --
I'll take it!!
You have had your hands full with boys...It does come to an end. They do grow up and move out...I'm glad my nephew was not hurt in the accident - nor anyone else.
We are going to walk to the store...1.75 miles downhill, the 1.75 miles up hill. It's always so easy to get there...
But it's a beautiful day!
Love and hugs from Clare!
Thursday, April 14, 2016
setting limits
Hello Claire,
I worked from home today…
I still worked, but I was able to relax and be comfortable…
somewhat…
my youngest stayed home from school…
his allergies were bad…
the skin in the backs of his knees is so excoriated that he was seeping fluid…
unable to sleep last night despite benadryl…
so, I had company through the day.
I was hoping for a day alone…
but it was good to see him too.
Today was beautiful…
sunny, warm, clear…
I walked about 3 miles which felt great…
except I need new shoes…
my knees are aching…
I have to get the the store to pick up a pair.
I really want to increase my outside walking again. I've been trapped inside, walking the treadmill watching an on line course I'm taking 2.5 hours each week. I am sick of being inside.
I've been considering my limits and boundaries today. I have to be active and assertive about what I am willing, and not willing, to do. I want to be considerate, but not a push over. This is hard for me…
I am a people pleaser…
I'm not an effective limit setter…
but I have to be…
or I'll be living with the repercussions for years potentially.
I saw a friend yesterday whose grandson was recently diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder which is usually fatal in childhood. She is really struggling with this. I cannot imagine if my child or grandchild's survival was that tenuous. He is slightly delayed, but is a very happy active 1 year old. But, he could die at any time of a heart arrhythmia. They put a pacemaker into his heart, hoping to avoid that outcome…but the cardiologists aren't entirely optimistic. She was saying how much she appreciates every day now.
Not much else happening.
I need to practice my reiki.
I need to channel the energy to myself and others.
Got to find the time.
I worked from home today…
I still worked, but I was able to relax and be comfortable…
somewhat…
my youngest stayed home from school…
his allergies were bad…
the skin in the backs of his knees is so excoriated that he was seeping fluid…
unable to sleep last night despite benadryl…
so, I had company through the day.
I was hoping for a day alone…
but it was good to see him too.
Today was beautiful…
sunny, warm, clear…
I walked about 3 miles which felt great…
except I need new shoes…
my knees are aching…
I have to get the the store to pick up a pair.
I really want to increase my outside walking again. I've been trapped inside, walking the treadmill watching an on line course I'm taking 2.5 hours each week. I am sick of being inside.
I've been considering my limits and boundaries today. I have to be active and assertive about what I am willing, and not willing, to do. I want to be considerate, but not a push over. This is hard for me…
I am a people pleaser…
I'm not an effective limit setter…
but I have to be…
or I'll be living with the repercussions for years potentially.
I saw a friend yesterday whose grandson was recently diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder which is usually fatal in childhood. She is really struggling with this. I cannot imagine if my child or grandchild's survival was that tenuous. He is slightly delayed, but is a very happy active 1 year old. But, he could die at any time of a heart arrhythmia. They put a pacemaker into his heart, hoping to avoid that outcome…but the cardiologists aren't entirely optimistic. She was saying how much she appreciates every day now.
Not much else happening.
I need to practice my reiki.
I need to channel the energy to myself and others.
Got to find the time.
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
selfish or selfless???
Hello sister,
I am "running around like a chicken with its head cut off"…
sorry, my bad, Dad did that when we were little…
gross memory.
Anyway, I feel as if I'm juggling way too much. I've got several projects in various stages of done…
I've got the semester building towards the end…
everyone wants extra credit…
no one cared about their grades up until about 2 weeks ago.
My youngest had a minor car accident on Sunday evening…
funny thing is…
he was grounded…
not supposed to be out…
and he pulled out from a stop sign and got "T-boned"…
luckily no one was hurt…
the car's driver side is damaged pretty badly…
he won't be driving for a few weeks while it is repaired.
Great lesson…
but the bottom line is that now I have to rearrange my schedule to accommodate taking him to school, work, SAT prep, etc…
It's always something.
My work schedule is out of control. My new boss doesn't seem to have clear boundaries about her own work hours, and expects me to be as freely giving of my time too. She chooses to put in overtime on a salary- so no real compensation. I am supposed to be working 8 hours/ week and it is double that, if not more. I told her I was not working tomorrow to catch up on my university work and she seemed surprised. I have to make clear boundaries here, or I'll lose control of my own life.
I am trying desperately to hold onto some semblance of balance in my life. I am vein gulled in many directions and not sure where to cut strings. I have to spend some time looking at each string and making conscious choices. I do believe that once finals week is over I will have relief from that corner. At that point though one of the young men will probably be moving in full time- if all goes as planned. How do I balance that?
How do I transition to that, where am I selfish and where am I selfless?
I'm not sure the answer…
but I've got to remain flexible and adaptable…
that's the key to survival.
last evening I took my youngest to Sling Yoga…
yoga suspended from a lycra swing…
he loved it!
He was pleasantly surprised how much he enjoyed it.
He may even go back with me again…
I'm excited to share it with him.
I'm exhausted. I need some down time. I took the two young men to an indoor arcade last Saturday…
those loud, flashing light places drain me…
I think that's adding to my current energy crisis.
Sleep is good.
Sleep is very good.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I am "running around like a chicken with its head cut off"…
sorry, my bad, Dad did that when we were little…
gross memory.
Anyway, I feel as if I'm juggling way too much. I've got several projects in various stages of done…
I've got the semester building towards the end…
everyone wants extra credit…
no one cared about their grades up until about 2 weeks ago.
My youngest had a minor car accident on Sunday evening…
funny thing is…
he was grounded…
not supposed to be out…
and he pulled out from a stop sign and got "T-boned"…
luckily no one was hurt…
the car's driver side is damaged pretty badly…
he won't be driving for a few weeks while it is repaired.
Great lesson…
but the bottom line is that now I have to rearrange my schedule to accommodate taking him to school, work, SAT prep, etc…
It's always something.
My work schedule is out of control. My new boss doesn't seem to have clear boundaries about her own work hours, and expects me to be as freely giving of my time too. She chooses to put in overtime on a salary- so no real compensation. I am supposed to be working 8 hours/ week and it is double that, if not more. I told her I was not working tomorrow to catch up on my university work and she seemed surprised. I have to make clear boundaries here, or I'll lose control of my own life.
I am trying desperately to hold onto some semblance of balance in my life. I am vein gulled in many directions and not sure where to cut strings. I have to spend some time looking at each string and making conscious choices. I do believe that once finals week is over I will have relief from that corner. At that point though one of the young men will probably be moving in full time- if all goes as planned. How do I balance that?
How do I transition to that, where am I selfish and where am I selfless?
I'm not sure the answer…
but I've got to remain flexible and adaptable…
that's the key to survival.
last evening I took my youngest to Sling Yoga…
yoga suspended from a lycra swing…
he loved it!
He was pleasantly surprised how much he enjoyed it.
He may even go back with me again…
I'm excited to share it with him.
I'm exhausted. I need some down time. I took the two young men to an indoor arcade last Saturday…
those loud, flashing light places drain me…
I think that's adding to my current energy crisis.
Sleep is good.
Sleep is very good.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Monday, April 11, 2016
random
Hi Mags,
My daughter-in-law sent me a clip from a French film called Angel-A. It seemed like a fantasy with an angel talking to a man of indeterminate everything.
She made him stand in front of a mirror and asked him what he saw and he said, nothing. She said that was an improvement because he used to see shit. She talked to him about the fact that no one had ever said they loved him and so he could not love himself. I started crying as she got him to say he loved himself in the mirror. It is the seed of all of our problems.
We are disconnected, and so we are lost from ourselves.
She talked about loving our broken bodies which have borne us through all of our lessons with no complaints.
I know, but it is hard to believe...
The other thing I am thinking about is another TED talk I listened to as I cleaned. It was a man who created Story Corps - a project for listening and recording the stories of people who are not usually listened to. People go into old age homes or prisons and ask open ended questions. Then the stories are fled with the Library of Congress. Now it is spreading out. If we did one, our great or great-great grandkids could go hear our voices, get a stronger feeling for who we were...
But the four things people want to say:
Thank you.
I love you.
Forgive me.
I forgive you.
It really does say it all. I have the hardest time with I forgive you. I find I am not holding anything too deeply...Hmmmmm...or maybe I am. Maybe I have some hurt feelings way deep, where I don't have to see or feel or acknowledge.
Something more to think on...
Love and hugs from Clare
My daughter-in-law sent me a clip from a French film called Angel-A. It seemed like a fantasy with an angel talking to a man of indeterminate everything.
She made him stand in front of a mirror and asked him what he saw and he said, nothing. She said that was an improvement because he used to see shit. She talked to him about the fact that no one had ever said they loved him and so he could not love himself. I started crying as she got him to say he loved himself in the mirror. It is the seed of all of our problems.
We are disconnected, and so we are lost from ourselves.
She talked about loving our broken bodies which have borne us through all of our lessons with no complaints.
I know, but it is hard to believe...
The other thing I am thinking about is another TED talk I listened to as I cleaned. It was a man who created Story Corps - a project for listening and recording the stories of people who are not usually listened to. People go into old age homes or prisons and ask open ended questions. Then the stories are fled with the Library of Congress. Now it is spreading out. If we did one, our great or great-great grandkids could go hear our voices, get a stronger feeling for who we were...
But the four things people want to say:
Thank you.
I love you.
Forgive me.
I forgive you.
It really does say it all. I have the hardest time with I forgive you. I find I am not holding anything too deeply...Hmmmmm...or maybe I am. Maybe I have some hurt feelings way deep, where I don't have to see or feel or acknowledge.
Something more to think on...
Love and hugs from Clare
Sunday, April 10, 2016
percolating
Hi Maggie,
How has the weekend been? It has been quiet here. I have been continuing to spring clean, but somehow, nothing seems different.
I went outside early, early yesterday morning, and as soon as I stood still in order to breathe deeply, a grouse started drumming. It was amazing to hear it and recognize exactly what it was. I was thinking I need to know more about drumming and/or dancing...I am organizing a contra dance for later this month. I wonder if that counts. As I was standing there, a Canadian goose started honking, and I thought about being mated for life...Then a woodpecker started drumming...again with the drumming. There was one more bird, but I have forgotten who it was...but it was a flightful experience!
I watched a qigong webinar yesterday. Someone asked the master how a specific disease was treated with qigong. He said it wasn't. Disease is seen as a contraction, and healing comes from restoring the flow of energy through the body.
It resonated with my understanding that health - physical, emotional, spiritual - comes from flow. So I am pretty excited about learning more. In this theory liver is connected with anger or with courage...there is a positive and negative aspect of each. Lungs connect to sadness or compassion. Digestive organs are tied to worry or confidence. Kidneys are fear or power. And the heart - I didn't write fast enough to know the negative, but the positive is joy and connection.
Chinese facial diagnosis shows that bags under the eyes indicate a weekend kidney...remember Grandma's face? And now, mine. And I have written about feeling pervasive fear much of the time. I know I have to work on my kidneys...
I also listened to a few TED talks while cleaning. One was about people who are original. I know that I am an original thinker, but I never make it out of my shadowy little place here. I get trapped in that place where I do not know the difference between the idea is bad and I am bad. I think I am bad and so I refuse to step out, step up..step anywhere.
Lots to think about this weekend...the result of staying home and percolating!
Love and hugs from Clare
How has the weekend been? It has been quiet here. I have been continuing to spring clean, but somehow, nothing seems different.
I went outside early, early yesterday morning, and as soon as I stood still in order to breathe deeply, a grouse started drumming. It was amazing to hear it and recognize exactly what it was. I was thinking I need to know more about drumming and/or dancing...I am organizing a contra dance for later this month. I wonder if that counts. As I was standing there, a Canadian goose started honking, and I thought about being mated for life...Then a woodpecker started drumming...again with the drumming. There was one more bird, but I have forgotten who it was...but it was a flightful experience!
I watched a qigong webinar yesterday. Someone asked the master how a specific disease was treated with qigong. He said it wasn't. Disease is seen as a contraction, and healing comes from restoring the flow of energy through the body.
It resonated with my understanding that health - physical, emotional, spiritual - comes from flow. So I am pretty excited about learning more. In this theory liver is connected with anger or with courage...there is a positive and negative aspect of each. Lungs connect to sadness or compassion. Digestive organs are tied to worry or confidence. Kidneys are fear or power. And the heart - I didn't write fast enough to know the negative, but the positive is joy and connection.
Chinese facial diagnosis shows that bags under the eyes indicate a weekend kidney...remember Grandma's face? And now, mine. And I have written about feeling pervasive fear much of the time. I know I have to work on my kidneys...
I also listened to a few TED talks while cleaning. One was about people who are original. I know that I am an original thinker, but I never make it out of my shadowy little place here. I get trapped in that place where I do not know the difference between the idea is bad and I am bad. I think I am bad and so I refuse to step out, step up..step anywhere.
Lots to think about this weekend...the result of staying home and percolating!
Love and hugs from Clare
Friday, April 8, 2016
TGIF
Hi Sister!
Welcome to my world. It really is kind of fun out here in Weirdsville! My youngest told me that a lake gull has been coming to sit on her car almost every day. She often drives to the lake to get out of the office and eat lunch. I said it had something to teach her. She said it just wants her leftovers. I think we are both right...
But what is cool is that she has begun identifying this particular gull. She has noticed individual markings. And she has expanded and begun noticing the behavior of the other gulls. I think when those we consider wild and other start becoming individuals, we are well on our way to understanding we are all part of the web. We are all important. We all have something to share.
I had a friend who's part Cherokee. She was the one who taught me to notice the animals, and the insects, and sometimes even the plants. She said that when I felt confused, think of it as a dream, then try to analyze it.
And yes bobcat is working with you!
It would be fun to learn more about shamanism...Cycling back again, aren't I?
Maybe there is a reason for three visits. Maybe there is something that unfolds in the relationship that they are looking for. I just know I hate it...
This has been such a long week. On Tuesday morning I was already wishing it was Friday. I may have kidlets tomorrow afternoon,but tomorrow morning, I can address my house and make some sense of the chaos. It looks terrible here, but it feels so good!
Maybe the same is sort of true with me.
Love and hugs from Clare
Welcome to my world. It really is kind of fun out here in Weirdsville! My youngest told me that a lake gull has been coming to sit on her car almost every day. She often drives to the lake to get out of the office and eat lunch. I said it had something to teach her. She said it just wants her leftovers. I think we are both right...
But what is cool is that she has begun identifying this particular gull. She has noticed individual markings. And she has expanded and begun noticing the behavior of the other gulls. I think when those we consider wild and other start becoming individuals, we are well on our way to understanding we are all part of the web. We are all important. We all have something to share.
I had a friend who's part Cherokee. She was the one who taught me to notice the animals, and the insects, and sometimes even the plants. She said that when I felt confused, think of it as a dream, then try to analyze it.
And yes bobcat is working with you!
It would be fun to learn more about shamanism...Cycling back again, aren't I?
Maybe there is a reason for three visits. Maybe there is something that unfolds in the relationship that they are looking for. I just know I hate it...
This has been such a long week. On Tuesday morning I was already wishing it was Friday. I may have kidlets tomorrow afternoon,but tomorrow morning, I can address my house and make some sense of the chaos. It looks terrible here, but it feels so good!
Maybe the same is sort of true with me.
Love and hugs from Clare
my animal symbol
Claire,
I drove to a meeting yesterday, early in the morning…
I had a Claire moment…
as I turned a corner a bobcat ran in front of me.
I was in awe and appreciative for the sighting.
I went to yoga after the meeting and told my friends about the experience and one said, "I wonder what that means?" I have to look it up.
It suddenly occurred to me that it may have meaning in my life. I came home and googled it.
I drove to a meeting yesterday, early in the morning…
I had a Claire moment…
as I turned a corner a bobcat ran in front of me.
I was in awe and appreciative for the sighting.
I went to yoga after the meeting and told my friends about the experience and one said, "I wonder what that means?" I have to look it up.
It suddenly occurred to me that it may have meaning in my life. I came home and googled it.
- Clear vision in dark places; vigilance; suspicion; ability to live in solitude; ability to see through masks.
- There is a time for solitude, learning to be alone but not lonely and a time for social balance. He shows how to keep confidences of those around you with a balance of inner and outer perceptions. Bobcat aids in tapping into the curiosity of the unseen world of secrecy, invisibility and hidden meanings for understanding spiritual mysteries of the path that is being traveled. Bobcat will offer protection and expertise of this path and lend its knowledge in maneuvering your developing natural internal power. Bobcat teaches the ability of being able to turn on/off creative forces in life. Always look for what is hidden on all levels and trust your senses.
- The Bobcat animal totem is a sign of patience. Bobcats are superior hunters, and they incorporate stealth, strategy and wield a great deal of patience in their hunting excursions.
- The Bobcat sends us a clear message that in order for us to get what we want, we must be willing to plan, adapt, and above all, have the patience to see our ideals manifest.
- The Bobcat animal totem is also about creation, and developing our abilities into a higher level of value. Additionally, the Bobcat is also about the unseen and silent aspects of our inner selves.
- We need to consider some passions that we have been keeping a secret. Now is the time to unleash our hidden desires – unlock our inner secret wisdom & talents. https://saltformysoul.com/2013/12/01/animal-omens-bobcat-medicine/
...the Bobcat sends us a clear message that in order for us to get what we want, we must be willing to plan, adapt, and above all, have the patience to see our ideals manifest.
When dealing with social settings (friends, family, work) the Bobcat reminds us to be fully aware. We must be mindful to extend our respect, love and consideration with others.
As the Bobcat is primarily a solitary creature, we may take its presence as a sign for us to step back from the company of certain people in our lives. Or, the Bobcat may be trying to tell us that we need some time to ourselves. Alone time is time for us to reflect, and regain our energy. The Bobcat intrinsically knows this, and may be trying to tell you to take a break away from the public eye. http://www.whats-your-sign.com/bobcat-animal-totem.html
This is pretty cool…
who knew I'd be getting messages from wild animals.
It was a good reminder that my life is full of synchronicity and guidance.
The reiki session was good. The newest change is that my 3rd chakra is opening in a way that she has only rarely experienced. It is developing pin hole openings that allow light to stream from within. She felt that, according to her experience, this was about guidance and direction. Both being guided by others, but also becoming more of a guide or director. She asked me to offer myself reiki to the 3rd chakra each night before I go to sleep. I've been doing that. She wants me to set up a grid in my bedroom, using clear quartz to maintain my grids and meridians…I still have to get some of those.
She is now offering 2 days a month at the yoga studio where I practice on Saturdays and some thursdays. It will be so much easier to see her without traveling so far.
We had our first home visit yesterday- more papers to complete. What an amazing practice in bureaucracy. I think if you have the fortitude to finish the paperwork you must be a decent foster parent. I cleaned and organized my house yesterday in anticipation of the visit…
she walked into the kitchen…
never walked anywhere else in the house.
I offered a tour…
she said that is part of the second visit.
What a waste of man-power hours.
I am exhausted. We are expecting 3+ inches of snow and I am hopeful it comes true- then I'll have an excuse to lay low and be very lazy tomorrow.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
heron
Hi Maggie,
It was fun to catch up with your latest adventures. You know that first group, the ones who let you in so that you would feel like part of the group - they were a cult. That was a perfect description of the way cults welcome us. But there is always a price...
The Buddhist nun sounds like my kind of person.
With your new son, just remember there are a lot of ways to define family, to define parenting. You will come to a place where you recognize each other as family. You will both evolve.
My house deconstruction continues. And I think I am simultaneously learning about portion control and what it feels like to be a little hungry -so maybe there is a physical deconstruction. And I'm learning what it is like to eat superfoods. I made a kvass and kale smoothie. My granddaughter loved it. It was pretty.
The weather has been awful lately. And today was okay enough to get out for a walk. So we got the jogging stroller, found shoes and finally - we were out the door. Within about 1/8 of a mile, it started to rain. Since she is just recovering from a cold and I am trying desperately not to get one, we turned around and got home quickly.
But just before we turned around, I saw that fabulous pteradactyl profile in the sky and I knew it was the blue heron. A friend who died young, who has been mentioned here more than once, had a connection with blue heron. Every time I see them I sort of know it is her. I even said hello to her out loud as it crossed over us.
So of course I wanted to see the message. Blue heron people are solitary, self-reliant, spending too much time in their own mind...sounds like me. I was wondering if it was a reminder to be myself, or a little nag to explore other ways of being here...
What happened at your Reiki session? Anything you can share?
Iam so grateful tomorrow is Friday...
Love and hugs from Clare
It was fun to catch up with your latest adventures. You know that first group, the ones who let you in so that you would feel like part of the group - they were a cult. That was a perfect description of the way cults welcome us. But there is always a price...
The Buddhist nun sounds like my kind of person.
With your new son, just remember there are a lot of ways to define family, to define parenting. You will come to a place where you recognize each other as family. You will both evolve.
My house deconstruction continues. And I think I am simultaneously learning about portion control and what it feels like to be a little hungry -so maybe there is a physical deconstruction. And I'm learning what it is like to eat superfoods. I made a kvass and kale smoothie. My granddaughter loved it. It was pretty.
The weather has been awful lately. And today was okay enough to get out for a walk. So we got the jogging stroller, found shoes and finally - we were out the door. Within about 1/8 of a mile, it started to rain. Since she is just recovering from a cold and I am trying desperately not to get one, we turned around and got home quickly.
But just before we turned around, I saw that fabulous pteradactyl profile in the sky and I knew it was the blue heron. A friend who died young, who has been mentioned here more than once, had a connection with blue heron. Every time I see them I sort of know it is her. I even said hello to her out loud as it crossed over us.
So of course I wanted to see the message. Blue heron people are solitary, self-reliant, spending too much time in their own mind...sounds like me. I was wondering if it was a reminder to be myself, or a little nag to explore other ways of being here...
What happened at your Reiki session? Anything you can share?
Iam so grateful tomorrow is Friday...
Love and hugs from Clare
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
I've missed you
Claire,
I'm back from the south…
it was a very interesting trip.
I met some truly remarkable people. I had some really brilliant moments. I was confused by some of the interactions.
I walked into the hotel lobby on Monday morning to a gathering of the conference participants, most of whom have been gathering for 7 years. It was like a reunion…
but I was not on the outside looking in…
they pulled me right into the fold.
I met people from across the US who care deeply about helping others who are more vulnerable to health inequities. People who nurture strong connections with faith based organizations in order to help those who cannot access health care. It was amazing.
And then I realized all they were focusing on was flu shots.
The others are offering many services, but this program only cares about flu shots.
Is this silo-ing?
Is this creating other, separate, non-collaborative agencies trying to change the world, but not willing to work with other health care professionals to make a difference. When I asked why health care professionals weren't invited to the discussion I was told they offer 'sick care' not health care. There was a lot of rhetoric about respect, but the underlying sentiment was an 'us versus them' mentality. They even turned the tables on the general public and were rallying around mandating flu shots…
what ever happened to free will?
I really lost a sense of awe in the group when I realized their biases.
The other real question I have is, why?
Why invest money and 7 years of work for something as small as flu shots? I think that the CDC is training these groups to respond in the face of some unknown, future pandemic. I think they are spending the money now to be ready in the future. It almost feels dishonest.
I did meet a woman from LA, a buddhist nun, who helps to run a free health center for anyone in LA. The vast majority of her staff is voluntary- including doctors and nurses. She has homeless who volunteer regularly and she said it gives them reason to clean up and develop self-respect. This woman is going to a world-wide meeting next week in Geneva to discuss services for the immigrants moving into Europe and other farther countries. She has already handled some Syrians in LA who fled and made it to the US. She had such a good and pure feeling around her. What an honor to meet someone like her. She told me that I/we can come to LA and volunteer in her clinic this summer if we have time and the inclination to do so. That would be great.
I had 2 people there share very difficult, personal stories with me. I think I must still have the mental health counselor sense about me. I can only hope that listening and sharing with them helps them in some way.
We have our first home visit tomorrow by child and youth services…
they do 3 in all.
I think (hope) that this process will be done by May and the older of the young men will move in permanently.
We are celebrating the younger's birthday this weekend. He wants to go to a big arcade in a nearby town to celebrate. I am excited to have him celebrate with us. The older one helped me in the yard this past weekend. We had a great discussion about his expectations. He told me that he considers husband and I his dad and mom, and our house his home. I told him how much I appreciated that and asked if it is ok to refer to him as my son- he said yes. He said other things though that make me question what he means by 'dad and mom'. I am getting the impression that, at this point, it means caretakers. I don 't think he understands the unconditional love and wanting the best for him.
He was frustrated on our Friday drive home after school because I told him he isn't allowed to go to another kid's house unless we meet the parents and feel it is safe. He said he wants to be able to go anywhere and make his own choices. He finally heard me when I told him I care about him and what happens to him. That allowed him to relax and hear me.
Anyway, things are moving forward.
I've missed you,
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I'm back from the south…
it was a very interesting trip.
I met some truly remarkable people. I had some really brilliant moments. I was confused by some of the interactions.
I walked into the hotel lobby on Monday morning to a gathering of the conference participants, most of whom have been gathering for 7 years. It was like a reunion…
but I was not on the outside looking in…
they pulled me right into the fold.
I met people from across the US who care deeply about helping others who are more vulnerable to health inequities. People who nurture strong connections with faith based organizations in order to help those who cannot access health care. It was amazing.
And then I realized all they were focusing on was flu shots.
The others are offering many services, but this program only cares about flu shots.
Is this silo-ing?
Is this creating other, separate, non-collaborative agencies trying to change the world, but not willing to work with other health care professionals to make a difference. When I asked why health care professionals weren't invited to the discussion I was told they offer 'sick care' not health care. There was a lot of rhetoric about respect, but the underlying sentiment was an 'us versus them' mentality. They even turned the tables on the general public and were rallying around mandating flu shots…
what ever happened to free will?
I really lost a sense of awe in the group when I realized their biases.
The other real question I have is, why?
Why invest money and 7 years of work for something as small as flu shots? I think that the CDC is training these groups to respond in the face of some unknown, future pandemic. I think they are spending the money now to be ready in the future. It almost feels dishonest.
I did meet a woman from LA, a buddhist nun, who helps to run a free health center for anyone in LA. The vast majority of her staff is voluntary- including doctors and nurses. She has homeless who volunteer regularly and she said it gives them reason to clean up and develop self-respect. This woman is going to a world-wide meeting next week in Geneva to discuss services for the immigrants moving into Europe and other farther countries. She has already handled some Syrians in LA who fled and made it to the US. She had such a good and pure feeling around her. What an honor to meet someone like her. She told me that I/we can come to LA and volunteer in her clinic this summer if we have time and the inclination to do so. That would be great.
I had 2 people there share very difficult, personal stories with me. I think I must still have the mental health counselor sense about me. I can only hope that listening and sharing with them helps them in some way.
We have our first home visit tomorrow by child and youth services…
they do 3 in all.
I think (hope) that this process will be done by May and the older of the young men will move in permanently.
We are celebrating the younger's birthday this weekend. He wants to go to a big arcade in a nearby town to celebrate. I am excited to have him celebrate with us. The older one helped me in the yard this past weekend. We had a great discussion about his expectations. He told me that he considers husband and I his dad and mom, and our house his home. I told him how much I appreciated that and asked if it is ok to refer to him as my son- he said yes. He said other things though that make me question what he means by 'dad and mom'. I am getting the impression that, at this point, it means caretakers. I don 't think he understands the unconditional love and wanting the best for him.
He was frustrated on our Friday drive home after school because I told him he isn't allowed to go to another kid's house unless we meet the parents and feel it is safe. He said he wants to be able to go anywhere and make his own choices. He finally heard me when I told him I care about him and what happens to him. That allowed him to relax and hear me.
Anyway, things are moving forward.
I've missed you,
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
allergic
Hi Maggie,
So today I ate chicken and went way over on the fat and protein, but stayed way under on sugar and calories. This is like a puzzle. I am still not sure how to find the balance. I realize I'm not sure what a proper, healthy serving is. Oh well, there is always tomorrow. I will figure this out. Then I will decide if I like this regime, if it is healthy for me.
I was researching asthma today, and reading up a bit on allergies. I was thinking about how hypervigilance echoes through our whole selves. Emotionally we are definitely hypervigilant and controlling and on alert. We are always expecting something bad, or maybe we are always expecting the worst.
And our immune systems are also hypervigilant, suspecting every substance of being out to get us.
I read that because of our clean modern lifestyle, our bodies never get to interact with nonpathogenic microbes. In the end our immune system can't tell friend from foe.
Is that what happens to children of abuse? We lead a "clean" life - there is an absence of outsiders, of others in our life. Otherwise, who knows when the secret will get out. And we must protect the secret and the perpetrator at all costs. Because we never know an other, we think everyone is suspect.
So we have an emotional allergy.
Sort of...
Back to it...I'm trying to understand the process...
I know part of the cure is always prevention...avoid the triggers. Hard to do when we suspect everyone...
Much love and many hugs from Clare
So today I ate chicken and went way over on the fat and protein, but stayed way under on sugar and calories. This is like a puzzle. I am still not sure how to find the balance. I realize I'm not sure what a proper, healthy serving is. Oh well, there is always tomorrow. I will figure this out. Then I will decide if I like this regime, if it is healthy for me.
I was researching asthma today, and reading up a bit on allergies. I was thinking about how hypervigilance echoes through our whole selves. Emotionally we are definitely hypervigilant and controlling and on alert. We are always expecting something bad, or maybe we are always expecting the worst.
And our immune systems are also hypervigilant, suspecting every substance of being out to get us.
I read that because of our clean modern lifestyle, our bodies never get to interact with nonpathogenic microbes. In the end our immune system can't tell friend from foe.
Is that what happens to children of abuse? We lead a "clean" life - there is an absence of outsiders, of others in our life. Otherwise, who knows when the secret will get out. And we must protect the secret and the perpetrator at all costs. Because we never know an other, we think everyone is suspect.
So we have an emotional allergy.
Sort of...
Back to it...I'm trying to understand the process...
I know part of the cure is always prevention...avoid the triggers. Hard to do when we suspect everyone...
Much love and many hugs from Clare
Monday, April 4, 2016
grouse
Hi Maggie,
I am sort of bewildered in the midst of ripping the house apart. I can't seem to focus on one place then move on. I do a bit here, a bit there. But slowly, it is getting done. I can't exactly see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, but I know there is one!
I let niece's chihuahua out this afternoon and he flushed a big bird off of my garden wall. I am almost positive it was a ruffed grouse. I don't know if we were working together here several years ago when I had a bird fly into the window by my desk. I went outside and found it's body. Being the great ornithologist I am, I thought it was some sort of raptor. I showed everyone in the neighborhood and I buried it. Not much later - a few days? A week? I was working at my desk, on the phone, when there was a crash, and explosion of glass. Another of those birds was lying dead on the floor next to me. It was November, so cold air was streaming in. I thought maybe someone was trying to get my attention, so I got some help identifying it...ruffed grouse.
http://www.linsdomain.com/totems/pages/grouse.htm
So I'm back to drumming and cycles and dancing.
I think I will pay attention this time so no one has to crash through my window.
I think I am starting to get what the baby has had. My brain is moving slowly, I feel cold and achey. I'm sneezing and starting to be a little drippy.
I made a profile at a website that counts calories and analyzes food eaten. I'm trying to get a handle on my choices. I had way too much sugar today, although it all came from fruit. I had one and a half apples and a banana. I also did not get enough protein, although I ate 3 eggs. That really seems like it should be more than enough protein.
I'm never sure who to trust. It is so hard to know how to eat healthy when we aren't trained when we are young, and there is so much conflicting information.
I have read that the Japanese say that what you feed a child until they are three years old determines the choices they will make for the rest of their lives. It makes sense that we form our preferences and expectations. We grew up on white bread, canned vegetables and spaghetti. Lots of carbs, not much meat, comparatively, and token vegetables.
My kids are definitely healthier than we were. But they ate from the farm. Too bad we can't go backwards - as far as food is concerned.
Going to go to bed and dream about dancing sirals...
Hope all is well with you,
Love and hugs fromClare
I am sort of bewildered in the midst of ripping the house apart. I can't seem to focus on one place then move on. I do a bit here, a bit there. But slowly, it is getting done. I can't exactly see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, but I know there is one!
I let niece's chihuahua out this afternoon and he flushed a big bird off of my garden wall. I am almost positive it was a ruffed grouse. I don't know if we were working together here several years ago when I had a bird fly into the window by my desk. I went outside and found it's body. Being the great ornithologist I am, I thought it was some sort of raptor. I showed everyone in the neighborhood and I buried it. Not much later - a few days? A week? I was working at my desk, on the phone, when there was a crash, and explosion of glass. Another of those birds was lying dead on the floor next to me. It was November, so cold air was streaming in. I thought maybe someone was trying to get my attention, so I got some help identifying it...ruffed grouse.
http://www.linsdomain.com/totems/pages/grouse.htm
So I'm back to drumming and cycles and dancing.
I think I will pay attention this time so no one has to crash through my window.
I think I am starting to get what the baby has had. My brain is moving slowly, I feel cold and achey. I'm sneezing and starting to be a little drippy.
I made a profile at a website that counts calories and analyzes food eaten. I'm trying to get a handle on my choices. I had way too much sugar today, although it all came from fruit. I had one and a half apples and a banana. I also did not get enough protein, although I ate 3 eggs. That really seems like it should be more than enough protein.
I'm never sure who to trust. It is so hard to know how to eat healthy when we aren't trained when we are young, and there is so much conflicting information.
I have read that the Japanese say that what you feed a child until they are three years old determines the choices they will make for the rest of their lives. It makes sense that we form our preferences and expectations. We grew up on white bread, canned vegetables and spaghetti. Lots of carbs, not much meat, comparatively, and token vegetables.
My kids are definitely healthier than we were. But they ate from the farm. Too bad we can't go backwards - as far as food is concerned.
Going to go to bed and dream about dancing sirals...
Hope all is well with you,
Love and hugs fromClare
Sunday, April 3, 2016
illusions?
Hellooooo Maggie!!!!!
It is snowing here again...We woke up to snow. My daffodils were bent under the weight, then covered in white. Just a smidge of yellow showed through...
The beet juice smoothie was not bed. My little companion even drank a glass without complaining! I have been thinking about analyzing each food for its ability to nourish my body as a way of deciding what to eat.
I read such conflicting advice, I get lost. I freeze. Then the chocolate calls my name...
Circling through my issues again. I'm surprised I have not bored myself yet. Have you ever had the impression you know someone when you meet them? I often wonder how that ties to previous lives. We are here in different disguises, looking for experience, looking for lessons, looking for each other. It almost seems like a game.
Except right now the stakes seem to be too high. It almost feels like life or death - for the planet or for our species.
Is that an illusion?
Does it matter?
We take on personas and experiences in order to explore this life. And it should be fun. But somehow it has gotten out of hand. Too many violations have led to too much violence...
I was thinking - again - about the experiences we chose to accept. The abuse from family and from this culture - especially as females. And the experiences really influence our range of response and behavior. Can we become incompatible with some of our nearest and dearest when exploring extremes?
I don't know where I am with this. I don't know where I am going with this. I was just thinking about interactions with the people who have played the most importnat roles in my life and wondering about past connections...
You need to come back...I need some inspiration.Or I need to pay more attention to what around me...
It is snowing here again...We woke up to snow. My daffodils were bent under the weight, then covered in white. Just a smidge of yellow showed through...
The beet juice smoothie was not bed. My little companion even drank a glass without complaining! I have been thinking about analyzing each food for its ability to nourish my body as a way of deciding what to eat.
I read such conflicting advice, I get lost. I freeze. Then the chocolate calls my name...
Circling through my issues again. I'm surprised I have not bored myself yet. Have you ever had the impression you know someone when you meet them? I often wonder how that ties to previous lives. We are here in different disguises, looking for experience, looking for lessons, looking for each other. It almost seems like a game.
Except right now the stakes seem to be too high. It almost feels like life or death - for the planet or for our species.
Is that an illusion?
Does it matter?
We take on personas and experiences in order to explore this life. And it should be fun. But somehow it has gotten out of hand. Too many violations have led to too much violence...
I was thinking - again - about the experiences we chose to accept. The abuse from family and from this culture - especially as females. And the experiences really influence our range of response and behavior. Can we become incompatible with some of our nearest and dearest when exploring extremes?
I don't know where I am with this. I don't know where I am going with this. I was just thinking about interactions with the people who have played the most importnat roles in my life and wondering about past connections...
You need to come back...I need some inspiration.Or I need to pay more attention to what around me...
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