unmet needs

Hi Little Sister,

I am looking forward to beach time, also. I am looking forward to having all five sisters together for the first time ever, really - just the five of us alone.  I am very curious about what the dynamics will be. You were all so young when I left home, and then we've all matured independently.  I think S#3 is the one who has kept in the best touch with everyone. She feels the least connection too, which is interesting.

My youngest had a dream that her oldest brother came home. She started crying and he told her that he was home for good.  I hope it was a premonition - a true one.

We got the letter from Aunt T. while I lived in the cabin.  So it was in the 1997 - 2007 time frame.  I think her words affected me, because it was the first time for me. It was the first time someone who knew they were dying spoke about it.  Since then, I have been with several others who knew they were leaving and who spoke openly about it.  It was so sensitive, like we could feel everything.  It was a gift.  And their death was different. A natural, expected relief and transition.

It is a gift.

Anyway I am looking forward to beach time.  I am so cold, so February-cold.  February always seems to be the longest month of the year. The days are getting longer and lighter, and I want to go outside.  But it is so brutally cold out there, that I have to rush in. It is depressing.  S#3 and I had a plan - win the lottery and go to a spa in Sedona this month.  We failed at Step 1.  Oh well, dreaming is fun, too!

I'm feeling kind of blank.  I have a month of work and baby, with probably more baby time as her Mama goes through medical procedures.  The house is messy and I can't seem to get it straight and make it stay that way.  It seems like I have a long stark path ahead...of course, when we feel like this, something unexpected happens.  So I'll just have to ride it and see what happens.

S#3 is okay. The abusive boyfriend is gone.  Now the healing can begin again - hopefully without any more leaps from the wagon!

I was thinking about what to share...what have I been thinking about...and someone called me.  We got into a discussion about unmet needs.  There are things we needed as children, and we never received. And it will never be repaired.  I thought of a terrible example. When I was just stepping into my separation, I was stepping into a world of pain that caused me to become very self-centered, very engrossed in my own pain.  I forgot my oldest child's birthday.  She was at S#5's house helping with the step-daughters. And I didn't do anything for her birthday.  When she and her friends play "Who had the worst birthday?" - my child always wins.

I apologized. I am embarrassed. I am in pain for what I did, but I can never fix it.

There were things we all needed, and we didn't get - maybe not all, but in my circle, the statement stands.  Will we ever recover? How do we recover?

I have a wise friend who often talks about chosen-family. We are the target of so much pain from our family of origin, that we simply break away, and find new family.

Is that an answer?

If I had to choose, I would still choose you.  I love you.  Thank you for standing with me...

Clare