Yeah, I know we are social, And I know that emotional trauma can change us, physiologically. But describing the brain as being a social organ opened my mind. I understood malleability and elasticity in a new way. We are definitely better together.We do need each other. We are tribal.
I hope you had fun with your beautiful daughters.
My weekend did not go as planned, but it went well. I had my three local grandchildren for an overnight. Since the older two were staying my daughter asked if the baby could stay too. It is so brutally cold outside and seemed better not to take her outside at night. Then this morning, when they were planning to come and get here, boyfriend's truck slid off their driveway. She called and let me know there would be a delay. Boyfriend's father came with his plow truck, and that slid off the driveway, too. So I still have the baby, and I never got any of the downtime I crave.
This is the longest mother and baby have ever been separated. I thought maybe it might be a cosmic test for the probable upcoming knee surgery.
When my kids said they were stupid, I told them no one could talk about my child that way...not even them. I wonder why she is so proud of it. If she willingly puts down the title, she may have to retire her role as victim.
The messages I heard/hear??? Mostly come from Dad. You can probably hear them all in his voice.
Fat, dumb and ugly.
Why try, you can't do it anyway. It's just a waste of time.
Going to college is a waste of money. You're just going to get married and have kids anyway.
For someone who is supposed to be so smart, you have no sense.
I guess I never realized what a waste of resources I was for him...You damned kids. This is all your fault, all your fault, all your fault...If I didn't have you...
The fat bitch comments come from me, but were seeded by our culture - both national and familial.
This weekend is the national bird count. I have been doing this for years and years. Your godson was my avid companion throughout his childhood. Now he and his wife still pay attention to the birds.
I have a bird-feeding station outside my office window. Because I am involved with work, I miss details of what goes on out there.With the bird count, we have to stand and watch for 15 minutes at a time. I discovered we have a rabbit visiting the station. I watched the tree swallows head off with the juncos. They are breast to breast, flapping wings, trying to get the other to back down. My favorites have long been the chickadees. They seem like clowns to me. But this weekend, I entertained strange thoughts...
Usually I glance from my desk, occasionally. This weekend, I stood near the window. My silhouette seemed to bother them. The cat, who likes to watch - with murder in her heart, does not bother them.
I was watching when nephew went out to full the feeders. everyone, except the chickadees, took off. The chickadees stayed close, watching, they sometimes even land on his hand to grab a seed as he is filling the feeder. They are not afraid. Or, maybe, they can tell that he has a gentle heart and there is nothing to fear. I was wondering if they had any idea where the seeds come from. Do they stop and wonder how abundance automatically and magically appears? I wondered if that made us god, sort of. Then I wondered about beings watching us and providing enough for us, whether we had any idea where stuff came from or not. Then the mind wandered to that place where I understand that I do not know a lot about the private life of birds, and I wondered if god was equally clueless about us...
Then I was thinking about how cold it is. I was wondering how these little creatures survive this brutal cold, and I wondered if it is as cold in their reality...
Then I strayed to global warming and climate change. even though it is really cold...the last two years have had some shockingly cold moments. But we know the climate is warming...most of us know. I thought about the voices that accept and understand versus the voices telling us not to worry, not to be crazy - there is no global warming. I found myself comparing - the Earth is flat and the Earth is the center of the universe to the current - the climate is warming...and it seems most people understand the truth. It's religion that speaks against it. All of a sudden religion and ignorance tied together in my brain.
Like I said...weird day.
And I work tomorrow morning, so I must be off to dreamland!
I love you!
Clare
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