patterns

Good morning Love,

I had the baby last night - so her mama could go to the movies with the boyfriend.  I wasn't sure whether to put her to bed and  meet you here, earlier, or hold her and watch a movie...which I did, but I ended up doing that longer than expected. And that's my lame-o excuse for not showing yesterday.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with your son.  I am sorry your son is having such a hard time.

I was up in the middle of the night thinking of you both.  I was also up remembering the crap and drama I went through when mine were teenagers.  It was not easy, sometimes I felt totally lost.  I felt so alone.  But we made it. Now they are all relatively stable adults...although we still have drama.  I get so worried/tense/upset/panicked by the unrest in the west.  That is probably the worst situation we have now.  But there are the ongoing struggles with alcohol...

In the middle of the night...it just seems to me that something happened to your son. I know I have said this before, and you asked him and dismissed it. But if Mom had asked you whether anything happened to you,  you would have said no.  I don't think you would have talked to her about your treatment at the hands of the brothers.  Why bother - she would not have believed/understood/wanted to know.

And I know I am on the outside.  We didn't spend much time together when our kids were little.  Our relationship was pretty superficial, so we could maintain the facade of nice family. Life is so much easier when we pretend there is not a swamp.

But outside is a good place for a different perspective.  And as my kids will tell you, I can drive you crazy by insisting you look for the patterns.

I see a pattern of someone who is numbing and hiding. I still deeply believe that something happened to that boy.  He can learn all kinds of strategies.  He can go through all kinds of awareness programs, but in the end we are still alone with our pain. 

No matter what I did, where I went, how I engaged...in the end I was the girl whose mother did not have time for her, whose father did not even like her, and the girl who was raped - just a piece of meat to be used by any passing man who felt like it.  In the end I understood that I have no value...

I have to work from that wounded place to reevaluate, to make time for myself, to like myself, to protect myself.  But, damn, it's so much. Sometimes it is too much.

Your son is there, I think.  He is with that pain, running from a pain that is in himself.  And no matter how hard we run, the pain comes with us.

I saw this pattern with my ex.  And I see another pattern in yesterday's post.  When I would try to talk to my ex, he would launch into what a terrible husband he was and he didn't know why I put up with him. That changed the "discussion" to why he was valuable and how much I cared and wanted him in my life.  One day, I finally recognized the pattern and calmly said,  "When you are done feeling sorry for yourself, we can continue this discussion."  He never pulled that particular method of avoidance again.  I don't think he knew he was doing it.

When your son told you that you are old and losing your mind and didn't actually see him smoking, he was doing the same thing. He was protecting his source of ease, his escape from the pain.

I have no idea what happened, or when.  I don't know if it was one big thing, or a lot of little things.  When did he change?  Where was he? What was going on?

Family patterns...they are so much more painful when you are in the thick of them!

I found an interesting article and posted it to you on our favorite social media. It explores emotional rape. I thought it might give you some insight for some of your clients.  But I also see myself in it.

I have a "friend", someone I used to talk to a lot, but it has dwindled.  There are so many red flags.  But I see this kind of emotional manipulation in his behavior.  Yet, I don't quite let go. I say I just want to be friends, yet I feel like I am playing with fire.  I recognize my underlying wish/hope - my love will save him...Classic codependent.

I thought I was past this. I thought I knew better.  But after just a little bit of attention, some communication with him, I find myself wondering.

Then I slap myself and say - Enough! So maybe I have learned my lesson.  Part of that lesson is understanding it is better to be alone than to be in pain...or than to willingly invite pain into ones life!

I am going to work for a few hours today, so I have to go get ready. I will have my baby-girl, and may have my grandson overnight.  I love spending time with them!

Love and hugs and a shoulder and an ear if you need me...

Clare