in limbo

Clare,
BM is the initials of our public school district. It just happens to be the same acronym as shit…
quite appropriate I would say. I like the analogy of the fish in unhealthy water…it gives me some clarity. Thanks

I saw an orthopedic surgeon this morning. I had to admit that I am afraid that the heel pain I've had since January has me afraid of metastasis. It was tough to say that out loud. I have known the doctor for many years so that made it easier, but I still wanted to cry. I'm tearing up now. Intellectually, I know that mets from breast cancer don't go below the hips…in a perfect world. In that same perfect world I wouldn't have had 9 tumors growing in one breast seemingly overnight. Emotionally I'm wonder what chemo would be like. I'm having a bone scan on Monday. Then I'll have the answer. I pray the answer is a stress fracture- at least I can brag that I was injured trying to stay fit! I don't want to live in and out of fear for the rest of my life.

Yesterday at work we had an incident with a suspended tile ceiling falling down. I suggested we turn off the breaker to the room before it fell to avoid live electric wires from being exposed. Another therapist said, "I'd rather be electrocuted than live and die from cancer." I replied, "I'd rather have the time to say good bye to my loved ones." About half an hour later he came to me and apologized…how insensitive he said. I knew he didn't mean any harm or disrespect. He just didn't think before he made the comment.

In about an hour I meet with the school and my son. I have no idea what he will opt for. He has been so upbeat and excited the past 2 days…knowing that he has the power to be free by the end of the week. What a difference choice makes in a person's attitudes and mood.

I have a lot on my mind…but cannot seem to put it into a coherent sentence or thought stream. I'm in limbo on so many fronts…so I've got to just keep swimming until the way opens.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie