Peace...

Ah...peace..

You found some. You are more at peace with your son's needs.You are more at peace with your role in life. Take a few minutes to glory in the peaceful place.

Working on the conference sounds fabulous. I love having projects like that.  I think it will be an amazing event.

And for the bad news...there is a very good chance that I will not be going on the island adventure/sister's weekend this year either.  My youngest had an MRI last week, and met the doctor today.  She has a problem with her knee - she was born with it. There is supposed to be a divot the patella rests in. Instead of a divot, she has a bit of a wave. There is not enough depth to hold the knee cap in place. Added to that, her ligaments are stretched.  He said it looks very much like what he sees with kids who took ballet for years. She did take ballet for about three years, then took belly dance for a few more.

So she has to have surgery on her knee. And most likely, the surgery will be done on March 12. I told her that if it was definitely on the 12th, I would cancel our trip. She told me not to, that she wanted me to get away.

This is where I wonder about all the bumper sticker wisdom telling me to put myself first so I can be there for others.  This is the flaw in that thinking, I suppose.

I was thinking about this today - it's really not much of a dilemma. I need to be here if my child is in the hospital. I am needed to take care of the baby. And although I am disappointed, I don't really feel cheated.  It's okay...

I remembered two things from our childhood.  I remember B#2 having to be hospitalized with a deflated lobe in his lung after a particularly bad asthma attack.  He was in his mid-teens. It was the week the family was going on a camping trip, and they went.  I stayed home to work, and Mom asked me to visit him if I could. And they left.

They left.

They left with a kid in the hospital. He had to feel like trash.

Then I went back a few more years...when S#3 broke her teeth during the swim race. She delayed the family leaving, again for a camping trip, and remembers being treated like a major pain in the ass. No one was worried about how she felt, or if she was in pain.

We were so cruel.  We were treated so cruelly.

Just had another flash of my youngest's car accident a few years ago.   It was bad. It was terrifying. I called my ex to see when he would arrive, and he wasn't planning to come. He asked if I thought our son was going to die...I gently explained that his presence was necessary, and so he came with little argument.  But, his parents would never have left a child alone, no matter what the age...so what happened to him?????

I will not be our family of origin...I will stay here and be part of this family.

But it means I miss the sister fun this year...sigh...

I love you,  if the date changes, I'll let you know...I'll be the one jumping up and down, cheering!

Clare

I wanted to sing to the dolphins - oh well, next year!