surrender into hope

Hi Maggie,

I wasn't worried yesterday.  I assumed you were celebrating your beautiful Aquarian child.

Your second client reminds me of someone I know.  I know an older woman who I talk to almost daily - because she calls me and checks in. I think we all need someone to acknowledge us, to be our witness.  We are almost more real, or more alive, when someone sees us.  If we feel invisible, sometimes we go to unwise extremes to be noticed.

I have been talking to this woman for years.  When we first started talking she was almost unbearably negative.  But she has changed.  Her need to get attention seems to have lessened. She is more patient.  She is much less likely to complain now...she can roll with the punches.  Her kindness emerges more and more every day.

She had a hard childhood...the usual story of screwed up parents, violence, sexual violence, rejection which, of course, led to a violent marriage and the eventual loss of her children...Lots to be bitter about.

She says I have changed her.

I have been challenged as to why I am friends with her. All I can say is - its easy to be friends with the cool kids.  And...angels come in guises.  Through kindness we have the honor of entertaining angels unaware.

Lots of times I don't think people are asking for answers. People simply want to be heard. If you hear me, if you acknowledge me...than I am real.

Maybe that is the gift we offer each other. I read a book about a primitive people. If someone behaved frighteningly outside of the norm, the others behaved as if that person was dead.  And so the person did die, or they left. Maybe we need each other to make each other real.

I seem to be living The Velveteen Rabbit lately. Maybe I should reread the book!

You do have the answers.  You have Me, too and you have I care.  I think that is enough.

I continue to torture myself, as my youngest says, with dog rescue stories.  I hold my breath waiting for that moment...at first the dog is suspicious. He begins to relax.  The human gets a rope around the dog's neck, and the dog wails and panics.  I know that feeling.  Then there is a moment, resignation followed by hope...the dog gives in to hope and goes with the rescuers,

That moment of surrender into hope is the moment I wait for. I always cry.  Maybe I continue to watch, hoping the lessons of these master teachers of love will help me learn to do the same...

I did a bad thing today...I ate a cookie. One of my neighbors plows my driveway every time he does his own. He says he just likes to help.  And now we have so much snow and so much drifting, that the driveway was a ness.  So another neighbor brought his tractor and front end loader over and moved snow. I was surprised, and decided to make cookies for everyone. A few broke, and I ate some pieces. Now I feel crappy.  I think sugar has become poison for me.  It might be psychosomatic, but we're going with this.  I can no longer handle sugar. And I can't have it ever again!

That's the news from snow country, where the temperature is dropping to scary lows for the next few days...

Love and hugs and such little sister,

Clare