So what's the word...on your son's educational decisions and on your heel?
I may end up being sporadic in this space with you for the next few weeks. For instance, yesterday, I worked, I helped my oldest study, then I got the baby for an overnight so my youngest could sleep. Her knee is in rough shape and she's dealing with a lot of discomfort. So I am stepping in a lot and helping by taking the baby.
I miss coming here, on days like yesterday. Coming here, centering and settling in is a healthy part of each day. The fact that you share this space, and we use this space to blend our lives makes it even more important.
Tomorrow will be a family dinner to celebrate my youngest son's recent birthday. I look forward to time with my kids...
Being in limbo, is what I call living in chaos. I think I have learned to appreciate it. When life is chaotic, it seems like anything is possible. Once you begin to make choices, the chaos dissipates, but if you can withstand the raging around you - having all choices available at once is amazing.
I don't know...all the chaos with your son and with educational choices...I think because I homeschooled, I see the system differently. I saw so many kids develop amazing skills, have big experiences, find wild careers without having become part of the educational system. I just know there are so many pathways, even though our society only highlights and values one.
There are so many people who have thrived simply because they saw the choices outside of what school presents.
No deep thoughts streaming through today...So, until tomorrow...
Love and hugs from Clare
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Friday, February 27, 2015
in limbo
Clare,
BM is the initials of our public school district. It just happens to be the same acronym as shit…
quite appropriate I would say. I like the analogy of the fish in unhealthy water…it gives me some clarity. Thanks
I saw an orthopedic surgeon this morning. I had to admit that I am afraid that the heel pain I've had since January has me afraid of metastasis. It was tough to say that out loud. I have known the doctor for many years so that made it easier, but I still wanted to cry. I'm tearing up now. Intellectually, I know that mets from breast cancer don't go below the hips…in a perfect world. In that same perfect world I wouldn't have had 9 tumors growing in one breast seemingly overnight. Emotionally I'm wonder what chemo would be like. I'm having a bone scan on Monday. Then I'll have the answer. I pray the answer is a stress fracture- at least I can brag that I was injured trying to stay fit! I don't want to live in and out of fear for the rest of my life.
Yesterday at work we had an incident with a suspended tile ceiling falling down. I suggested we turn off the breaker to the room before it fell to avoid live electric wires from being exposed. Another therapist said, "I'd rather be electrocuted than live and die from cancer." I replied, "I'd rather have the time to say good bye to my loved ones." About half an hour later he came to me and apologized…how insensitive he said. I knew he didn't mean any harm or disrespect. He just didn't think before he made the comment.
In about an hour I meet with the school and my son. I have no idea what he will opt for. He has been so upbeat and excited the past 2 days…knowing that he has the power to be free by the end of the week. What a difference choice makes in a person's attitudes and mood.
I have a lot on my mind…but cannot seem to put it into a coherent sentence or thought stream. I'm in limbo on so many fronts…so I've got to just keep swimming until the way opens.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
BM is the initials of our public school district. It just happens to be the same acronym as shit…
quite appropriate I would say. I like the analogy of the fish in unhealthy water…it gives me some clarity. Thanks
I saw an orthopedic surgeon this morning. I had to admit that I am afraid that the heel pain I've had since January has me afraid of metastasis. It was tough to say that out loud. I have known the doctor for many years so that made it easier, but I still wanted to cry. I'm tearing up now. Intellectually, I know that mets from breast cancer don't go below the hips…in a perfect world. In that same perfect world I wouldn't have had 9 tumors growing in one breast seemingly overnight. Emotionally I'm wonder what chemo would be like. I'm having a bone scan on Monday. Then I'll have the answer. I pray the answer is a stress fracture- at least I can brag that I was injured trying to stay fit! I don't want to live in and out of fear for the rest of my life.
Yesterday at work we had an incident with a suspended tile ceiling falling down. I suggested we turn off the breaker to the room before it fell to avoid live electric wires from being exposed. Another therapist said, "I'd rather be electrocuted than live and die from cancer." I replied, "I'd rather have the time to say good bye to my loved ones." About half an hour later he came to me and apologized…how insensitive he said. I knew he didn't mean any harm or disrespect. He just didn't think before he made the comment.
In about an hour I meet with the school and my son. I have no idea what he will opt for. He has been so upbeat and excited the past 2 days…knowing that he has the power to be free by the end of the week. What a difference choice makes in a person's attitudes and mood.
I have a lot on my mind…but cannot seem to put it into a coherent sentence or thought stream. I'm in limbo on so many fronts…so I've got to just keep swimming until the way opens.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Thursday, February 26, 2015
healthy
Okay...what is BM school?
Your son is not a failure. He might be among the healthiest kids. I always wondered if I had done the right thing by homeschooling. Then I started working in the public schools. My first day there, I knew I had done the right thing. Public school is inherently violent. But it's like that goldfish thing. Living in the water is normal. You never know there is anything else. There is a quote that I go back to over and over - something to the effect that it is not a good sign to be healthy in a sick society. We live in a sick society. But that society only values us if we conform and make the system look successful.
Let your son be healthy.
I am so far out of the loop. I had no idea that S#4 was having the surgery. I knew she was thinking about it. The surgery will be better than living in fear. In fact, I think that living in fear causes disease. And she won't ever have to have the possibility of chemo or radiation or hormonal intervention.
I know B#1 and B#2 were both hospitalized when toddlers. Mom made a note somewhere, perhaps in a baby book. She signed for both of them to have tracheotomies, but they both recovered before that had to be done.
I wonder where I was...I wonder if that is part of my feeling lost.
I am a bit sad that I won't be able to go to the beach. It has been so cold and dreary. I have been feeling so trapped. I have been doing a count-down...how much longer 'til we get to go. But it feels okay...like this is what was meant to happen, that my daughter would need surgery just when I had 5 days off. I will probably schedule in some early hours, just to be sure I can cover the bills. It's never easy in the winter.
Not much going on here. Not thinking about much. No great insight today. Baby is asleep. I think I'll drift away, too.
Love and hugs,
Clare
Your son is not a failure. He might be among the healthiest kids. I always wondered if I had done the right thing by homeschooling. Then I started working in the public schools. My first day there, I knew I had done the right thing. Public school is inherently violent. But it's like that goldfish thing. Living in the water is normal. You never know there is anything else. There is a quote that I go back to over and over - something to the effect that it is not a good sign to be healthy in a sick society. We live in a sick society. But that society only values us if we conform and make the system look successful.
Let your son be healthy.
I am so far out of the loop. I had no idea that S#4 was having the surgery. I knew she was thinking about it. The surgery will be better than living in fear. In fact, I think that living in fear causes disease. And she won't ever have to have the possibility of chemo or radiation or hormonal intervention.
I know B#1 and B#2 were both hospitalized when toddlers. Mom made a note somewhere, perhaps in a baby book. She signed for both of them to have tracheotomies, but they both recovered before that had to be done.
I wonder where I was...I wonder if that is part of my feeling lost.
I am a bit sad that I won't be able to go to the beach. It has been so cold and dreary. I have been feeling so trapped. I have been doing a count-down...how much longer 'til we get to go. But it feels okay...like this is what was meant to happen, that my daughter would need surgery just when I had 5 days off. I will probably schedule in some early hours, just to be sure I can cover the bills. It's never easy in the winter.
Not much going on here. Not thinking about much. No great insight today. Baby is asleep. I think I'll drift away, too.
Love and hugs,
Clare
coming to terms
Clare,
I do understand about timing surgery. It's OK, just disappointing. I anticipated spending time with the four of you- living in that company for a few days- now I have to change my expectation. It's just a shift for me.
S#4 has decided to undergo a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy. She is living in fear of cancer and has decided to remove the threat. We've talked a lot about it, she seems to understand the pros and cons of it. She seems settled in her decision. It's funny, the last time we talked I told her I'd show her what the reconstructed lumps look like at the beach…maybe I'll have to send her a picture.
Interesting, I don't remember B#1 having any health problems. My reiki healer tells me over and over again that breathing difficulties are tied to grief and unresolved sadness. I guess we were sad from the very beginning.
My older son is calmer this week. We are meeting with the school on Friday to discuss his options. I think he feels that this is the end of BM school for his lifetime. He has several options to consider. I would love to see him dedicate himself to cyber-school and finish up on his own terms. My heart tells me that it would be better for him to take the GED route and just put school behind him. Husband is having a lot of trouble with that option…I just keep telling myself that it is a different path, not a failure.
I also remind myself that his actions reflect upon him, not me…it's not about me. I've got to come to turns with his choices.
I've got to run to work.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I do understand about timing surgery. It's OK, just disappointing. I anticipated spending time with the four of you- living in that company for a few days- now I have to change my expectation. It's just a shift for me.
S#4 has decided to undergo a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy. She is living in fear of cancer and has decided to remove the threat. We've talked a lot about it, she seems to understand the pros and cons of it. She seems settled in her decision. It's funny, the last time we talked I told her I'd show her what the reconstructed lumps look like at the beach…maybe I'll have to send her a picture.
Interesting, I don't remember B#1 having any health problems. My reiki healer tells me over and over again that breathing difficulties are tied to grief and unresolved sadness. I guess we were sad from the very beginning.
My older son is calmer this week. We are meeting with the school on Friday to discuss his options. I think he feels that this is the end of BM school for his lifetime. He has several options to consider. I would love to see him dedicate himself to cyber-school and finish up on his own terms. My heart tells me that it would be better for him to take the GED route and just put school behind him. Husband is having a lot of trouble with that option…I just keep telling myself that it is a different path, not a failure.
I also remind myself that his actions reflect upon him, not me…it's not about me. I've got to come to turns with his choices.
I've got to run to work.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
he taught us well
Hi Maggie,
The timing of my daughter's surgery has more to do with her job. She has not been there long enough for them to hold her position. So she agreed to stay for two weeks, while they hire someone new. Then.after her recovery, she should be ready to return at the beginning of May when they normally hire a summer worker. She likes her job, it has potential. Her boss likes her - so they came up with this plan. I was hoping/planning for surgery on March 6. But the boss asked for another week. So we are tied to March 12. it was confirmed with the surgeon today.
Say hello to the dolphins for me...sing it! And I did see the stories about the manatees. I wrote for Positive News for many years. We looked for stories like these. In fact we focused on stories like these. It instilled a good attitude in me!
B#2 was hospitalized numerous times. It is some of my young memories - waking up and finding Mom was gone. She was at the hospital with the brothers. B#1 was hospitalized a few times also - breathing issues.
I remember the day S#3 was hit by the car. I was home, getting everyone off to school. You called me and told me what happened. I called Mom at work and let her know. I don't remember who talked to S#3, but I remember she said she tripped in front of the car and the car stopped. We talked to the driver, and the woman was sure she hit S#3. You confirmed that, but out little sister stuck to her story. I remember being worried because of potential damage to her hip, after all she had gone through with her hip problems at birth.
But I understand. I try not to need help. If I need help, I don't ask. I try to muscle through on my own...Dad taught us well!
I do believe I read that S#4 is having surgery in May. Do you know why?
I had a committee meeting here tonight. Now I am thinking about leadings, about being supported in my leading, about supporting others in their leadings.
And it's dream-time...Love and hugs,
Clare
The timing of my daughter's surgery has more to do with her job. She has not been there long enough for them to hold her position. So she agreed to stay for two weeks, while they hire someone new. Then.after her recovery, she should be ready to return at the beginning of May when they normally hire a summer worker. She likes her job, it has potential. Her boss likes her - so they came up with this plan. I was hoping/planning for surgery on March 6. But the boss asked for another week. So we are tied to March 12. it was confirmed with the surgeon today.
Say hello to the dolphins for me...sing it! And I did see the stories about the manatees. I wrote for Positive News for many years. We looked for stories like these. In fact we focused on stories like these. It instilled a good attitude in me!
B#2 was hospitalized numerous times. It is some of my young memories - waking up and finding Mom was gone. She was at the hospital with the brothers. B#1 was hospitalized a few times also - breathing issues.
I remember the day S#3 was hit by the car. I was home, getting everyone off to school. You called me and told me what happened. I called Mom at work and let her know. I don't remember who talked to S#3, but I remember she said she tripped in front of the car and the car stopped. We talked to the driver, and the woman was sure she hit S#3. You confirmed that, but out little sister stuck to her story. I remember being worried because of potential damage to her hip, after all she had gone through with her hip problems at birth.
But I understand. I try not to need help. If I need help, I don't ask. I try to muscle through on my own...Dad taught us well!
I do believe I read that S#4 is having surgery in May. Do you know why?
I had a committee meeting here tonight. Now I am thinking about leadings, about being supported in my leading, about supporting others in their leadings.
And it's dream-time...Love and hugs,
Clare
weighing options
Clare,
I do understand. I would stay with my children also. I just wish her surgery could be postponed for a week…
if it's a congenital problem then a week won't make a difference…
but I also understand that you've arranged time off already which will make accommodating the baby much easier during that time…
I'm indecisive.
I hope that we see dolphins this year. I'm not sure we'll have the patience to scan the water's surface the way that you do. Patiently waiting for them to surface.
Did you hear about the 19 manatees that had to be rescued in Florida?
There are good souls in the world.
I spoke to the social work interns today about child abuse and social worker's role in helping to prevent longterm problems. It feels good to educate people about violence prevention. It feels like I'm making a small difference.
I need to get outside and move. I may tie on my walking shoes and go for a walk. It's in the mid-30s, but my heel is still hurting. I've got to decide what is stronger- the urge to move or the pain that will follow. I'm having my heel looked at Friday by an orthopedist. I injured it in mid-January and it still hurts. I've got this scary voice in the back of my head taunting me that it is a metastasis from the cancer…so I will check it out and quiet that voice. I'll let you know how that all works out.
I do remember B#2s hospitalization. I don't remember going camping at the same time. Did he have that more than once? I remember postponing a departure for S#3s boil on her leg- poor thing she was always under fire. I also remember finding her after her dive into the pool, with two cracked front teeth wandering upset, because she was afraid to tell our parents. Forget that she could have been killed or a quadriplegic, she was afraid to report it to the pool staff and afraid to tell our parents. She was always afraid to stand out. One day on our walk to middle school she stepped out in front of a car and was knocked down. Luckily the car was going slowly, and she wasn't seriously hurt, but she refused to have any attention, evaluation…nothing. She continued to school and I don't think she ever told anyone. Talk about isolated and shamed. It makes me so very sad…still.
It's a quiet day here. So I'm going to relax and enjoy that peace.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I do understand. I would stay with my children also. I just wish her surgery could be postponed for a week…
if it's a congenital problem then a week won't make a difference…
but I also understand that you've arranged time off already which will make accommodating the baby much easier during that time…
I'm indecisive.
I hope that we see dolphins this year. I'm not sure we'll have the patience to scan the water's surface the way that you do. Patiently waiting for them to surface.
Did you hear about the 19 manatees that had to be rescued in Florida?
There are good souls in the world.
I spoke to the social work interns today about child abuse and social worker's role in helping to prevent longterm problems. It feels good to educate people about violence prevention. It feels like I'm making a small difference.
I need to get outside and move. I may tie on my walking shoes and go for a walk. It's in the mid-30s, but my heel is still hurting. I've got to decide what is stronger- the urge to move or the pain that will follow. I'm having my heel looked at Friday by an orthopedist. I injured it in mid-January and it still hurts. I've got this scary voice in the back of my head taunting me that it is a metastasis from the cancer…so I will check it out and quiet that voice. I'll let you know how that all works out.
I do remember B#2s hospitalization. I don't remember going camping at the same time. Did he have that more than once? I remember postponing a departure for S#3s boil on her leg- poor thing she was always under fire. I also remember finding her after her dive into the pool, with two cracked front teeth wandering upset, because she was afraid to tell our parents. Forget that she could have been killed or a quadriplegic, she was afraid to report it to the pool staff and afraid to tell our parents. She was always afraid to stand out. One day on our walk to middle school she stepped out in front of a car and was knocked down. Luckily the car was going slowly, and she wasn't seriously hurt, but she refused to have any attention, evaluation…nothing. She continued to school and I don't think she ever told anyone. Talk about isolated and shamed. It makes me so very sad…still.
It's a quiet day here. So I'm going to relax and enjoy that peace.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Peace...
Ah...peace..
You found some. You are more at peace with your son's needs.You are more at peace with your role in life. Take a few minutes to glory in the peaceful place.
Working on the conference sounds fabulous. I love having projects like that. I think it will be an amazing event.
And for the bad news...there is a very good chance that I will not be going on the island adventure/sister's weekend this year either. My youngest had an MRI last week, and met the doctor today. She has a problem with her knee - she was born with it. There is supposed to be a divot the patella rests in. Instead of a divot, she has a bit of a wave. There is not enough depth to hold the knee cap in place. Added to that, her ligaments are stretched. He said it looks very much like what he sees with kids who took ballet for years. She did take ballet for about three years, then took belly dance for a few more.
So she has to have surgery on her knee. And most likely, the surgery will be done on March 12. I told her that if it was definitely on the 12th, I would cancel our trip. She told me not to, that she wanted me to get away.
This is where I wonder about all the bumper sticker wisdom telling me to put myself first so I can be there for others. This is the flaw in that thinking, I suppose.
I was thinking about this today - it's really not much of a dilemma. I need to be here if my child is in the hospital. I am needed to take care of the baby. And although I am disappointed, I don't really feel cheated. It's okay...
I remembered two things from our childhood. I remember B#2 having to be hospitalized with a deflated lobe in his lung after a particularly bad asthma attack. He was in his mid-teens. It was the week the family was going on a camping trip, and they went. I stayed home to work, and Mom asked me to visit him if I could. And they left.
They left.
They left with a kid in the hospital. He had to feel like trash.
Then I went back a few more years...when S#3 broke her teeth during the swim race. She delayed the family leaving, again for a camping trip, and remembers being treated like a major pain in the ass. No one was worried about how she felt, or if she was in pain.
We were so cruel. We were treated so cruelly.
Just had another flash of my youngest's car accident a few years ago. It was bad. It was terrifying. I called my ex to see when he would arrive, and he wasn't planning to come. He asked if I thought our son was going to die...I gently explained that his presence was necessary, and so he came with little argument. But, his parents would never have left a child alone, no matter what the age...so what happened to him?????
I will not be our family of origin...I will stay here and be part of this family.
But it means I miss the sister fun this year...sigh...
I love you, if the date changes, I'll let you know...I'll be the one jumping up and down, cheering!
Clare
I wanted to sing to the dolphins - oh well, next year!
You found some. You are more at peace with your son's needs.You are more at peace with your role in life. Take a few minutes to glory in the peaceful place.
Working on the conference sounds fabulous. I love having projects like that. I think it will be an amazing event.
And for the bad news...there is a very good chance that I will not be going on the island adventure/sister's weekend this year either. My youngest had an MRI last week, and met the doctor today. She has a problem with her knee - she was born with it. There is supposed to be a divot the patella rests in. Instead of a divot, she has a bit of a wave. There is not enough depth to hold the knee cap in place. Added to that, her ligaments are stretched. He said it looks very much like what he sees with kids who took ballet for years. She did take ballet for about three years, then took belly dance for a few more.
So she has to have surgery on her knee. And most likely, the surgery will be done on March 12. I told her that if it was definitely on the 12th, I would cancel our trip. She told me not to, that she wanted me to get away.
This is where I wonder about all the bumper sticker wisdom telling me to put myself first so I can be there for others. This is the flaw in that thinking, I suppose.
I was thinking about this today - it's really not much of a dilemma. I need to be here if my child is in the hospital. I am needed to take care of the baby. And although I am disappointed, I don't really feel cheated. It's okay...
I remembered two things from our childhood. I remember B#2 having to be hospitalized with a deflated lobe in his lung after a particularly bad asthma attack. He was in his mid-teens. It was the week the family was going on a camping trip, and they went. I stayed home to work, and Mom asked me to visit him if I could. And they left.
They left.
They left with a kid in the hospital. He had to feel like trash.
Then I went back a few more years...when S#3 broke her teeth during the swim race. She delayed the family leaving, again for a camping trip, and remembers being treated like a major pain in the ass. No one was worried about how she felt, or if she was in pain.
We were so cruel. We were treated so cruelly.
Just had another flash of my youngest's car accident a few years ago. It was bad. It was terrifying. I called my ex to see when he would arrive, and he wasn't planning to come. He asked if I thought our son was going to die...I gently explained that his presence was necessary, and so he came with little argument. But, his parents would never have left a child alone, no matter what the age...so what happened to him?????
I will not be our family of origin...I will stay here and be part of this family.
But it means I miss the sister fun this year...sigh...
I love you, if the date changes, I'll let you know...I'll be the one jumping up and down, cheering!
Clare
I wanted to sing to the dolphins - oh well, next year!
Teaching
Clare,
I gave my talk on adverse childhood experiences and their link to health problems later in life last night. It felt good to educate another 20 people on the devastation caused by abuse and neglect. Millions and pillions of dollars to appease the body in disease caused by long-term stress.
I felt really good giving this talk. I felt passionate, but in control. One older man, who comes to almost every talk I've given, told me I'd found my place in the world. He told me that I am meant to teach these subjects that spark me. What a great message. Maybe I am meant to branch out and speak. My piano playing/composing friend often told me that I am meant to share music and stories to teach others how to live. I like the idea, but am not sure how to proceed. I will hold it in the Light.
I convinced most of the people who attended that primary prevention is the only solution. I also convinced them that they can make a difference in a child's life by unconditionally loving them. It was really powerful. It felt gathered by the end.
Today I worked on conference stuff. I've been asked to line up interesting workshops, but we have no money for honorariums. So I have to ask a lot of people to get some to agree. Today I reached out to a transcendental meditation trainer/practitioner and an EMDR trainer (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). The EMDR has you recall your stories while moving the eyes which opens different pathways in the brain- kind of like awake hypnosis I believe. It's supposed to be great for PTSD. I hope they agree to come to the conference. This best part about this assignment is that I get to create the conference line-up that I would want to attend. I have one of my older daughter's nutritional professors speaking about food addiction and her boss leading yoga as I explain the mind-body-spirit connection and benefits of yoga. I'll keep you posted.
My older son has given up on school, I believe. We are meeting with guidance on Friday to discuss options. I think he's finally come to peace with taking the GED test and moving on. I've spoken to a number of people who are successful through that route. I've explained that he will need to get a job and be productive. He has until Friday to decide between GED and virtual school. I hope he is content with his choice.
I got a text from S#4 today. She is not going to be able to come along in March. She is worried about time off and finances. Next year…
I've had this inkling to ask Mom if she would want to come along. Any thoughts? I'm not sure what is prompting me to these thoughts. I've been putting it off saying that it's sister time. I wonder how much it would shift the interactions? I'm talking myself out of it again. Maybe another time.
The mushrooms conjured up an image in my mind of you growing goodness from the decay of the swamp… I know it's a stump…but it's where my mind went. I like that image.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I gave my talk on adverse childhood experiences and their link to health problems later in life last night. It felt good to educate another 20 people on the devastation caused by abuse and neglect. Millions and pillions of dollars to appease the body in disease caused by long-term stress.
I felt really good giving this talk. I felt passionate, but in control. One older man, who comes to almost every talk I've given, told me I'd found my place in the world. He told me that I am meant to teach these subjects that spark me. What a great message. Maybe I am meant to branch out and speak. My piano playing/composing friend often told me that I am meant to share music and stories to teach others how to live. I like the idea, but am not sure how to proceed. I will hold it in the Light.
I convinced most of the people who attended that primary prevention is the only solution. I also convinced them that they can make a difference in a child's life by unconditionally loving them. It was really powerful. It felt gathered by the end.
Today I worked on conference stuff. I've been asked to line up interesting workshops, but we have no money for honorariums. So I have to ask a lot of people to get some to agree. Today I reached out to a transcendental meditation trainer/practitioner and an EMDR trainer (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). The EMDR has you recall your stories while moving the eyes which opens different pathways in the brain- kind of like awake hypnosis I believe. It's supposed to be great for PTSD. I hope they agree to come to the conference. This best part about this assignment is that I get to create the conference line-up that I would want to attend. I have one of my older daughter's nutritional professors speaking about food addiction and her boss leading yoga as I explain the mind-body-spirit connection and benefits of yoga. I'll keep you posted.
My older son has given up on school, I believe. We are meeting with guidance on Friday to discuss options. I think he's finally come to peace with taking the GED test and moving on. I've spoken to a number of people who are successful through that route. I've explained that he will need to get a job and be productive. He has until Friday to decide between GED and virtual school. I hope he is content with his choice.
I got a text from S#4 today. She is not going to be able to come along in March. She is worried about time off and finances. Next year…
I've had this inkling to ask Mom if she would want to come along. Any thoughts? I'm not sure what is prompting me to these thoughts. I've been putting it off saying that it's sister time. I wonder how much it would shift the interactions? I'm talking myself out of it again. Maybe another time.
The mushrooms conjured up an image in my mind of you growing goodness from the decay of the swamp… I know it's a stump…but it's where my mind went. I like that image.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, February 23, 2015
mushrooms
Hi Maggie,
I remember being very, very young, maybe 4 years old, and thinking that if I had been born in Grandma's time, life would have been easier. I was a strange child.
Maybe we all have a bit of pioneer in us. We certainly have the intelligence to pick and choose among the technology shoved in our face. There are homesteaders, even now. We can just say no to so many things, things we willingly accept as normal, then necessary!
How would your youngest feel about something like kick-boxing, beating the crap out of a punching bag?
I hated school. I hated every day of it. I hated the system, the grades, the artificial competition. I hated the cliques and the bullying, the being on the outside - from kids I didn't really even like. B#2's long-time girlfriend used to get groups to laugh at me, making sure I knew I was not as good as they were. I didn't really care, but it still hurts...those mixed feelings we carry around!
I always wished they knew how absolutely uninterested I was in being anything like them.
I understand your son...
And I don't know what the answer is. I had no choice. I went to school every day, just counting off time until I could be real.
And with him and prior abuse, there's a good chance he doesn't remember. We bury things like that. It's how we survive, especially in Delana-land.
About four years ago we had a huge windstorm here. A gigantic old maple fell and damaged part of the roof of the house my son was living in. Since they didn't burn wood, they asked if I wanted it.I lived about 1/3 miles away. So they dragged it up the road with their sister's truck. (Don't tell her, though...) We cut and split a lot of it, but there are some immense trunks still in my backyard, breaking down. They are getting too old to burn, and so, I think I am going to ask if they can, using their own trucks, pull the pieces to the shady side of the shed - so I can have my backyard back! But also so I can try to grow some mushrooms.
That will be a first for me.
I will also plant the usuals - peas, carrots, radishes, beans, squash, beets, etc. I also want to try some unusual herbs - those suited for our climate, but more usually found in Asia.
Kids are home...gotta run...
Love and hugs,
Clare
I remember being very, very young, maybe 4 years old, and thinking that if I had been born in Grandma's time, life would have been easier. I was a strange child.
Maybe we all have a bit of pioneer in us. We certainly have the intelligence to pick and choose among the technology shoved in our face. There are homesteaders, even now. We can just say no to so many things, things we willingly accept as normal, then necessary!
How would your youngest feel about something like kick-boxing, beating the crap out of a punching bag?
I hated school. I hated every day of it. I hated the system, the grades, the artificial competition. I hated the cliques and the bullying, the being on the outside - from kids I didn't really even like. B#2's long-time girlfriend used to get groups to laugh at me, making sure I knew I was not as good as they were. I didn't really care, but it still hurts...those mixed feelings we carry around!
I always wished they knew how absolutely uninterested I was in being anything like them.
I understand your son...
And I don't know what the answer is. I had no choice. I went to school every day, just counting off time until I could be real.
And with him and prior abuse, there's a good chance he doesn't remember. We bury things like that. It's how we survive, especially in Delana-land.
About four years ago we had a huge windstorm here. A gigantic old maple fell and damaged part of the roof of the house my son was living in. Since they didn't burn wood, they asked if I wanted it.I lived about 1/3 miles away. So they dragged it up the road with their sister's truck. (Don't tell her, though...) We cut and split a lot of it, but there are some immense trunks still in my backyard, breaking down. They are getting too old to burn, and so, I think I am going to ask if they can, using their own trucks, pull the pieces to the shady side of the shed - so I can have my backyard back! But also so I can try to grow some mushrooms.
That will be a first for me.
I will also plant the usuals - peas, carrots, radishes, beans, squash, beets, etc. I also want to try some unusual herbs - those suited for our climate, but more usually found in Asia.
Kids are home...gotta run...
Love and hugs,
Clare
Boys
Clare,
I think that "wrong era" thing has happened to a lot of us. I have a friend who would have been a great pioneer farmer. He's strong and quiet, and is happiest when he is physically laboring. I think I would have made a good frontier woman…but I would probably have gotten myself into trouble because I am outspoken.
Yes, my youngest is a warrior. He wants to learn mixed-martail arts- basically karate and boxing combined. We've discussed this before. We found him a program that was about discipline and respect for the art…but he wanted full contact- let's beat the shit out of each other- activity. I cannot allow that kind of violence. I'm worried about concussion and brain injury.
My older son did not come all weekend. When he returned last evening I asked him what it is about us or the house that drives him away. He couldn't articulate it. He tried- but couldn't find the words. He was up, dressed and ready for school this morning and, when I returned from dropping the younger off, he was back in bed. I asked if it is fear of growing up or depression? He's not sure. We're going to have to make another change in his schooling. He has gone to school once a week for the past month (we've had a lot of snow days) he skips the rest. He hates going into that building. He dislikes the teachers and most of the other students. I don't think he likes even himself at this point. Hold him in the Light.
As for the question about prior abuse. I have asked- he's denied it. I know that doesn't mean it isn't true. All I can do is to remain open to him…and wait for him to share.
So, did you find anything good in the seed catalogue? What are you growing this spring?
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I think that "wrong era" thing has happened to a lot of us. I have a friend who would have been a great pioneer farmer. He's strong and quiet, and is happiest when he is physically laboring. I think I would have made a good frontier woman…but I would probably have gotten myself into trouble because I am outspoken.
Yes, my youngest is a warrior. He wants to learn mixed-martail arts- basically karate and boxing combined. We've discussed this before. We found him a program that was about discipline and respect for the art…but he wanted full contact- let's beat the shit out of each other- activity. I cannot allow that kind of violence. I'm worried about concussion and brain injury.
My older son did not come all weekend. When he returned last evening I asked him what it is about us or the house that drives him away. He couldn't articulate it. He tried- but couldn't find the words. He was up, dressed and ready for school this morning and, when I returned from dropping the younger off, he was back in bed. I asked if it is fear of growing up or depression? He's not sure. We're going to have to make another change in his schooling. He has gone to school once a week for the past month (we've had a lot of snow days) he skips the rest. He hates going into that building. He dislikes the teachers and most of the other students. I don't think he likes even himself at this point. Hold him in the Light.
As for the question about prior abuse. I have asked- he's denied it. I know that doesn't mean it isn't true. All I can do is to remain open to him…and wait for him to share.
So, did you find anything good in the seed catalogue? What are you growing this spring?
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sunday, February 22, 2015
assumed
Point taken - I am out of the loop. I made assumptions about which son was angry. And you just posted the agreement about not making assumptions. Obviously not my favorite of the four agreements. But maybe it should be...
We have a water emergency here. Broken pipes somewhere in the walls. My middle kid will be here soon to help me locate and remedy. In the meantime, I am tired - the initial outpouring was at about 2:00 am. The baby spent the night with me, and so she was unhappy at the disruptions and commotion in the middle of the night. After she left, nephew and I started exploring. And the following investigations have left me a little soggy!
Sometimes I think your youngest is living in the wrong time. He has a warrior spirit and nothing to joust with. He needs a challenge, it seems from here. My youngest told me a story about babysitting your red-headed wonder, and saying no to a request - for something, I don't remember. He pulled a BB gun on her and threatened her. She laughed in his face. She has brothers that make him look - simple. They never pulled weapons on each other, although they did spend a lot of time perfecting a catapult, then tried to launch her in it. She was cooperating until I intervened with the big Mommy "NO!" And one of them shot their dad's windshield with a BB gun and the BB ricocheted and caused a trickle of blood on the other's head.
So the BB gun was more of a joke to her than a threat...
But that was quite a reaction to "No."
She said that after she laughed, they became friends - equals - I guess there was mutual respect.
What are the coolest, homiest things about your home? What do you all seem to love most?
I'm not sure if any of us got it right. Mine are okay here, and they were happy to be with family as teenagers. But I wish we spent more time together now. We all get so busy, extended family takes a lower and lower priority. I guess this is the change where we have gone from an immediate family, to an extended family. It is probably harder than I realized because I don't have a partner. Rather than that second honeymoon, I get to babysit or enjoy my solitude.
Luckily, I enjoy both. But there is not enough balance.
Gonna get my seed catalogs, nestle close to the woodstove and await my rescuer!
Love and hugs,
Clare
We have a water emergency here. Broken pipes somewhere in the walls. My middle kid will be here soon to help me locate and remedy. In the meantime, I am tired - the initial outpouring was at about 2:00 am. The baby spent the night with me, and so she was unhappy at the disruptions and commotion in the middle of the night. After she left, nephew and I started exploring. And the following investigations have left me a little soggy!
Sometimes I think your youngest is living in the wrong time. He has a warrior spirit and nothing to joust with. He needs a challenge, it seems from here. My youngest told me a story about babysitting your red-headed wonder, and saying no to a request - for something, I don't remember. He pulled a BB gun on her and threatened her. She laughed in his face. She has brothers that make him look - simple. They never pulled weapons on each other, although they did spend a lot of time perfecting a catapult, then tried to launch her in it. She was cooperating until I intervened with the big Mommy "NO!" And one of them shot their dad's windshield with a BB gun and the BB ricocheted and caused a trickle of blood on the other's head.
So the BB gun was more of a joke to her than a threat...
But that was quite a reaction to "No."
She said that after she laughed, they became friends - equals - I guess there was mutual respect.
What are the coolest, homiest things about your home? What do you all seem to love most?
I'm not sure if any of us got it right. Mine are okay here, and they were happy to be with family as teenagers. But I wish we spent more time together now. We all get so busy, extended family takes a lower and lower priority. I guess this is the change where we have gone from an immediate family, to an extended family. It is probably harder than I realized because I don't have a partner. Rather than that second honeymoon, I get to babysit or enjoy my solitude.
Luckily, I enjoy both. But there is not enough balance.
Gonna get my seed catalogs, nestle close to the woodstove and await my rescuer!
Love and hugs,
Clare
Saturday, February 21, 2015
What am I missing?
Clare,
Yesterday's interaction was with the younger son. My fiery tempered young man.
It is about patterns…
he is easy going and cordial until he hits an obstacle…
like a "no" from his parents…
then he becomes as belligerent as he can be in an attempt to push us so far that we cave and give in.
I hate the dynamic…
it's disrespectful from both sides.
He did ask me what other issues were bothering me…
"this can't all be directed at me" was his comment.
He's right- work is not reaching my expectations, my friend's husband died, my daughters have mutations that could cost them their health/life, my sons are numbing the world with drugs, my son may not finish school…
and that's just the first things that popped into my head.
Later he told me that school was tough yesterday, he found out that he is failing a literature class…
he is behind on several homework assignments.
One of his books is missing- and he has homework to do from that book this weekend.
So, his lack of motivation and initiative are catching up to him…
he's got to focus on the assignments and do good work.
I thought being expelled from school was enough of a threat to motivate him in the future…
he has such a short memory or attention span.
The older son spends every Friday night at his friend's house. Then he pretends to forget to come home in the morning…he promises to return the next morning…about 2 in the afternoon he texts, "I just woke up. Be home later." And then he shows up before bed.
I am really wondering how I've failed to make this house a home?
You know, a place where you are comfortable and can be yourself?
I love them. I take care of them. I listen to them. I want to be with them (usually).
What am I missing?
I want a family. I want a family that enjoys each other, respects each other, loves each other and likes each other. I've tried to create that. But it isn't happening- yet. Maybe in time?
I don't know.
Enough grumbling for today.
We're getting another 5 inches of snow today! I love snow, like to shovel, but this is getting old.
We will truly appreciate the warmth of spring this year.
Love and Light my beautiful sister,
Maggie
Yesterday's interaction was with the younger son. My fiery tempered young man.
It is about patterns…
he is easy going and cordial until he hits an obstacle…
like a "no" from his parents…
then he becomes as belligerent as he can be in an attempt to push us so far that we cave and give in.
I hate the dynamic…
it's disrespectful from both sides.
He did ask me what other issues were bothering me…
"this can't all be directed at me" was his comment.
He's right- work is not reaching my expectations, my friend's husband died, my daughters have mutations that could cost them their health/life, my sons are numbing the world with drugs, my son may not finish school…
and that's just the first things that popped into my head.
Later he told me that school was tough yesterday, he found out that he is failing a literature class…
he is behind on several homework assignments.
One of his books is missing- and he has homework to do from that book this weekend.
So, his lack of motivation and initiative are catching up to him…
he's got to focus on the assignments and do good work.
I thought being expelled from school was enough of a threat to motivate him in the future…
he has such a short memory or attention span.
The older son spends every Friday night at his friend's house. Then he pretends to forget to come home in the morning…he promises to return the next morning…about 2 in the afternoon he texts, "I just woke up. Be home later." And then he shows up before bed.
I am really wondering how I've failed to make this house a home?
You know, a place where you are comfortable and can be yourself?
I love them. I take care of them. I listen to them. I want to be with them (usually).
What am I missing?
I want a family. I want a family that enjoys each other, respects each other, loves each other and likes each other. I've tried to create that. But it isn't happening- yet. Maybe in time?
I don't know.
Enough grumbling for today.
We're getting another 5 inches of snow today! I love snow, like to shovel, but this is getting old.
We will truly appreciate the warmth of spring this year.
Love and Light my beautiful sister,
Maggie
patterns
Good morning Love,
I had the baby last night - so her mama could go to the movies with the boyfriend. I wasn't sure whether to put her to bed and meet you here, earlier, or hold her and watch a movie...which I did, but I ended up doing that longer than expected. And that's my lame-o excuse for not showing yesterday.
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with your son. I am sorry your son is having such a hard time.
I was up in the middle of the night thinking of you both. I was also up remembering the crap and drama I went through when mine were teenagers. It was not easy, sometimes I felt totally lost. I felt so alone. But we made it. Now they are all relatively stable adults...although we still have drama. I get so worried/tense/upset/panicked by the unrest in the west. That is probably the worst situation we have now. But there are the ongoing struggles with alcohol...
In the middle of the night...it just seems to me that something happened to your son. I know I have said this before, and you asked him and dismissed it. But if Mom had asked you whether anything happened to you, you would have said no. I don't think you would have talked to her about your treatment at the hands of the brothers. Why bother - she would not have believed/understood/wanted to know.
And I know I am on the outside. We didn't spend much time together when our kids were little. Our relationship was pretty superficial, so we could maintain the facade of nice family. Life is so much easier when we pretend there is not a swamp.
But outside is a good place for a different perspective. And as my kids will tell you, I can drive you crazy by insisting you look for the patterns.
I see a pattern of someone who is numbing and hiding. I still deeply believe that something happened to that boy. He can learn all kinds of strategies. He can go through all kinds of awareness programs, but in the end we are still alone with our pain.
No matter what I did, where I went, how I engaged...in the end I was the girl whose mother did not have time for her, whose father did not even like her, and the girl who was raped - just a piece of meat to be used by any passing man who felt like it. In the end I understood that I have no value...
I have to work from that wounded place to reevaluate, to make time for myself, to like myself, to protect myself. But, damn, it's so much. Sometimes it is too much.
Your son is there, I think. He is with that pain, running from a pain that is in himself. And no matter how hard we run, the pain comes with us.
I saw this pattern with my ex. And I see another pattern in yesterday's post. When I would try to talk to my ex, he would launch into what a terrible husband he was and he didn't know why I put up with him. That changed the "discussion" to why he was valuable and how much I cared and wanted him in my life. One day, I finally recognized the pattern and calmly said, "When you are done feeling sorry for yourself, we can continue this discussion." He never pulled that particular method of avoidance again. I don't think he knew he was doing it.
When your son told you that you are old and losing your mind and didn't actually see him smoking, he was doing the same thing. He was protecting his source of ease, his escape from the pain.
I have no idea what happened, or when. I don't know if it was one big thing, or a lot of little things. When did he change? Where was he? What was going on?
Family patterns...they are so much more painful when you are in the thick of them!
I found an interesting article and posted it to you on our favorite social media. It explores emotional rape. I thought it might give you some insight for some of your clients. But I also see myself in it.
I have a "friend", someone I used to talk to a lot, but it has dwindled. There are so many red flags. But I see this kind of emotional manipulation in his behavior. Yet, I don't quite let go. I say I just want to be friends, yet I feel like I am playing with fire. I recognize my underlying wish/hope - my love will save him...Classic codependent.
I thought I was past this. I thought I knew better. But after just a little bit of attention, some communication with him, I find myself wondering.
Then I slap myself and say - Enough! So maybe I have learned my lesson. Part of that lesson is understanding it is better to be alone than to be in pain...or than to willingly invite pain into ones life!
I am going to work for a few hours today, so I have to go get ready. I will have my baby-girl, and may have my grandson overnight. I love spending time with them!
Love and hugs and a shoulder and an ear if you need me...
Clare
I had the baby last night - so her mama could go to the movies with the boyfriend. I wasn't sure whether to put her to bed and meet you here, earlier, or hold her and watch a movie...which I did, but I ended up doing that longer than expected. And that's my lame-o excuse for not showing yesterday.
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with your son. I am sorry your son is having such a hard time.
I was up in the middle of the night thinking of you both. I was also up remembering the crap and drama I went through when mine were teenagers. It was not easy, sometimes I felt totally lost. I felt so alone. But we made it. Now they are all relatively stable adults...although we still have drama. I get so worried/tense/upset/panicked by the unrest in the west. That is probably the worst situation we have now. But there are the ongoing struggles with alcohol...
In the middle of the night...it just seems to me that something happened to your son. I know I have said this before, and you asked him and dismissed it. But if Mom had asked you whether anything happened to you, you would have said no. I don't think you would have talked to her about your treatment at the hands of the brothers. Why bother - she would not have believed/understood/wanted to know.
And I know I am on the outside. We didn't spend much time together when our kids were little. Our relationship was pretty superficial, so we could maintain the facade of nice family. Life is so much easier when we pretend there is not a swamp.
But outside is a good place for a different perspective. And as my kids will tell you, I can drive you crazy by insisting you look for the patterns.
I see a pattern of someone who is numbing and hiding. I still deeply believe that something happened to that boy. He can learn all kinds of strategies. He can go through all kinds of awareness programs, but in the end we are still alone with our pain.
No matter what I did, where I went, how I engaged...in the end I was the girl whose mother did not have time for her, whose father did not even like her, and the girl who was raped - just a piece of meat to be used by any passing man who felt like it. In the end I understood that I have no value...
I have to work from that wounded place to reevaluate, to make time for myself, to like myself, to protect myself. But, damn, it's so much. Sometimes it is too much.
Your son is there, I think. He is with that pain, running from a pain that is in himself. And no matter how hard we run, the pain comes with us.
I saw this pattern with my ex. And I see another pattern in yesterday's post. When I would try to talk to my ex, he would launch into what a terrible husband he was and he didn't know why I put up with him. That changed the "discussion" to why he was valuable and how much I cared and wanted him in my life. One day, I finally recognized the pattern and calmly said, "When you are done feeling sorry for yourself, we can continue this discussion." He never pulled that particular method of avoidance again. I don't think he knew he was doing it.
When your son told you that you are old and losing your mind and didn't actually see him smoking, he was doing the same thing. He was protecting his source of ease, his escape from the pain.
I have no idea what happened, or when. I don't know if it was one big thing, or a lot of little things. When did he change? Where was he? What was going on?
Family patterns...they are so much more painful when you are in the thick of them!
I found an interesting article and posted it to you on our favorite social media. It explores emotional rape. I thought it might give you some insight for some of your clients. But I also see myself in it.
I have a "friend", someone I used to talk to a lot, but it has dwindled. There are so many red flags. But I see this kind of emotional manipulation in his behavior. Yet, I don't quite let go. I say I just want to be friends, yet I feel like I am playing with fire. I recognize my underlying wish/hope - my love will save him...Classic codependent.
I thought I was past this. I thought I knew better. But after just a little bit of attention, some communication with him, I find myself wondering.
Then I slap myself and say - Enough! So maybe I have learned my lesson. Part of that lesson is understanding it is better to be alone than to be in pain...or than to willingly invite pain into ones life!
I am going to work for a few hours today, so I have to go get ready. I will have my baby-girl, and may have my grandson overnight. I love spending time with them!
Love and hugs and a shoulder and an ear if you need me...
Clare
Friday, February 20, 2015
I need a break
Clare,
I need a break. I wish I could open a valve and release some of the tension in my home. I just screamed at my son- hurt the back of your throat scream.
He is grounded for getting high at home on wednesday…
and he is arguing it is unreasonable….
What proof do you have?
Did you catch me with the pot?
No- I smelled it…
you're over 50 and your mind is playing tricks on you.
I've had it with disrespect and aggressive behaviors.
I've had it with teenaged boys/men
I wish I could leave, or send them away, for a while.
I don't like parenting them like this.
I don't like being pushed to outrage.
I don't like fighting.
I'm tired of drugs and the dysfunction they have brought into my home.
We have no clear boundaries- right and wrong- anymore.
I don't know how far they'll go…
what choices they'll make…
who they will turn to for drugs or money.
I'm tired.
I need a break.
Love and Light to all of us beautiful sister,
Maggie
My Reiki healer's husband died this week, please hold her and their families in the Light.
I need a break. I wish I could open a valve and release some of the tension in my home. I just screamed at my son- hurt the back of your throat scream.
He is grounded for getting high at home on wednesday…
and he is arguing it is unreasonable….
What proof do you have?
Did you catch me with the pot?
No- I smelled it…
you're over 50 and your mind is playing tricks on you.
I've had it with disrespect and aggressive behaviors.
I've had it with teenaged boys/men
I wish I could leave, or send them away, for a while.
I don't like parenting them like this.
I don't like being pushed to outrage.
I don't like fighting.
I'm tired of drugs and the dysfunction they have brought into my home.
We have no clear boundaries- right and wrong- anymore.
I don't know how far they'll go…
what choices they'll make…
who they will turn to for drugs or money.
I'm tired.
I need a break.
Love and Light to all of us beautiful sister,
Maggie
My Reiki healer's husband died this week, please hold her and their families in the Light.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
A good day
Clare,
The tamoxifen is a 5 year sentence. I've been told that post-menopausal-ly I will probably switch to another type med…but that has side effects too.
Today was good. I only saw 2 clients, but one was so desperate to talk to someone. She has 2 children, youngest is 5 months and she is so afraid because she doesn't feel bonded with him. She takes care of him, but is so confused about her feelings. We had an intense talk. I have 2 friends who suffered serious postpartum depression, they were hearing voices telling them to hurt their children, were hospitalized and now have great relationships with their children.
I gave a lecture tonight on advocacy. I found myself telling the class that advocacy works best if you bring all sides to the table, get rid of the "us" and "them" and create "we". It was pretty good, definitely not something I had rehearsed…but it is the only way to create solutions. Not "we" that loses the individuals' priorities and passions…but a collaborating "we".
I'm not sure what to say about the school issues. I just want the older son to finish at this point. But, it looks doubtful with every day that passes.
Happy birthday to your son. Quiet celebrations are the best.
Should we do anything to celebrate S#3's birthday while we are at the beach?
I say this every evening- I'm tired and my mind is not functioning. I think I'll knit.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
The tamoxifen is a 5 year sentence. I've been told that post-menopausal-ly I will probably switch to another type med…but that has side effects too.
Today was good. I only saw 2 clients, but one was so desperate to talk to someone. She has 2 children, youngest is 5 months and she is so afraid because she doesn't feel bonded with him. She takes care of him, but is so confused about her feelings. We had an intense talk. I have 2 friends who suffered serious postpartum depression, they were hearing voices telling them to hurt their children, were hospitalized and now have great relationships with their children.
I gave a lecture tonight on advocacy. I found myself telling the class that advocacy works best if you bring all sides to the table, get rid of the "us" and "them" and create "we". It was pretty good, definitely not something I had rehearsed…but it is the only way to create solutions. Not "we" that loses the individuals' priorities and passions…but a collaborating "we".
I'm not sure what to say about the school issues. I just want the older son to finish at this point. But, it looks doubtful with every day that passes.
Happy birthday to your son. Quiet celebrations are the best.
Should we do anything to celebrate S#3's birthday while we are at the beach?
I say this every evening- I'm tired and my mind is not functioning. I think I'll knit.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
confidence
Hi Maggie,
How long do you think you will have to take the Tamoxifen? Is that a for-the-rest-of-your-life med? I am glad to hear everything is okay. I am sorry to hear about your eldest.
What are the logical consequences of skipping school? What are the logical consequences of crying wolf and being sick? It's too bad there's not something authentic they could be doing with their time. School is just a game for so many. It's just something to survive before real life can begin. I know I didn't feel real until I was able to leave the public school system. Of course, that also meant leaving Dad...
Cranberry is diuretic, and hibiscus softens...so nettles will help you release while it nourishes. Don't make strong teas and don't take too much, and you will be fine. Tonics works gently and regularly.
I have been having something strange happen at night. I physically hear something while asleep, which wakes me up ...to nothing. The first was a phone ring. I slammed awake and the phone was not ringing. That same night I awoke twice more. The second time - I can't remember what I heard. The third time I heard a scream. I woke in an almost panic. Two night ago, I woke because I heard a baby cry. This makes me nervous. I asked my psychic neighbor. She said it is a warning. I am afraid she may be right...
It continues to be exceptionally cold. We are in for 2 or 3 more days of wind chill advisory. I want spring! I need to sit down with my seed catalogs and decide what I want to grow this year...to prove I believe in spring.
Tomorrow is my youngest son's birthday. He really doesn't like a lot of fuss on his birthday. Last year he said he only answered the phone for me, because, really, it was just the two of us. Actually Mom and S#3 were there, as well as his sibs and his dad. But in reality, it was the two of us. His was an easy delivery. We were three weeks late, and so he was ready to fall out. And I was so confident. It was a cold night and so I wrapped him immediately. I was so sure I was having a girl...I remember Mom saying she had never seen anyone so sure, and so wrong. I always knew I would have a girl last. And I thought that was my last pregnancy...
But life hands us surprises!
And we are grateful!
I am tired. And so I will be back tomorrow. Enjoy being cranky. It's the best way to shake it off!
I love you,sister,
Clare
How long do you think you will have to take the Tamoxifen? Is that a for-the-rest-of-your-life med? I am glad to hear everything is okay. I am sorry to hear about your eldest.
What are the logical consequences of skipping school? What are the logical consequences of crying wolf and being sick? It's too bad there's not something authentic they could be doing with their time. School is just a game for so many. It's just something to survive before real life can begin. I know I didn't feel real until I was able to leave the public school system. Of course, that also meant leaving Dad...
Cranberry is diuretic, and hibiscus softens...so nettles will help you release while it nourishes. Don't make strong teas and don't take too much, and you will be fine. Tonics works gently and regularly.
I have been having something strange happen at night. I physically hear something while asleep, which wakes me up ...to nothing. The first was a phone ring. I slammed awake and the phone was not ringing. That same night I awoke twice more. The second time - I can't remember what I heard. The third time I heard a scream. I woke in an almost panic. Two night ago, I woke because I heard a baby cry. This makes me nervous. I asked my psychic neighbor. She said it is a warning. I am afraid she may be right...
It continues to be exceptionally cold. We are in for 2 or 3 more days of wind chill advisory. I want spring! I need to sit down with my seed catalogs and decide what I want to grow this year...to prove I believe in spring.
Tomorrow is my youngest son's birthday. He really doesn't like a lot of fuss on his birthday. Last year he said he only answered the phone for me, because, really, it was just the two of us. Actually Mom and S#3 were there, as well as his sibs and his dad. But in reality, it was the two of us. His was an easy delivery. We were three weeks late, and so he was ready to fall out. And I was so confident. It was a cold night and so I wrapped him immediately. I was so sure I was having a girl...I remember Mom saying she had never seen anyone so sure, and so wrong. I always knew I would have a girl last. And I thought that was my last pregnancy...
But life hands us surprises!
And we are grateful!
I am tired. And so I will be back tomorrow. Enjoy being cranky. It's the best way to shake it off!
I love you,sister,
Clare
tired and cranky
Clare,
The appointment was fine. Nothing new to offer, except that I should consider a hysterectomy/oopherectomy once I'm post menopausal because the Tamoxifen can cause endometrial cancer. I'll think about that later.
I decided to wake up 15 minutes earlier every morning to give myself more meditation time. I've been rushing through the motions Since the boys came back in November. I think that will bring me closer to peace than anything else.
I am having such a difficult time getting them to school. The oldest skips more than he goes. The younger makes up illnesses regularly, he came home late morning today. He waits until I am at work and then calls his Dad. The school is very close to the hospital. I don't know what to do. I'm embarrassed to say that I sometimes wish they were still going to school away from home- it was so much easier to not have it right in my face. I'm not a bad mom- just honest.
Today I came to the conclusion that I am not going to be interviewed for that ED position- not even a first interview. We were told not to come to the office next Friday, the search committee will be conducting interviews. It clicked- I have not been invited to interview, therefore I am not being considered. I feel as if I'm not qualified to do any job- or overqualified to do most. How frustrating. Oh well, something will open for me.
I finally bought Nettle tea and also a hibiscus cranberry tea. I'm steeping them together, will that interfere with the benefits of either? Liver and kidney health, right?
I am tired, and cranky from the day. I'm going to close for today.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
The appointment was fine. Nothing new to offer, except that I should consider a hysterectomy/oopherectomy once I'm post menopausal because the Tamoxifen can cause endometrial cancer. I'll think about that later.
I decided to wake up 15 minutes earlier every morning to give myself more meditation time. I've been rushing through the motions Since the boys came back in November. I think that will bring me closer to peace than anything else.
I am having such a difficult time getting them to school. The oldest skips more than he goes. The younger makes up illnesses regularly, he came home late morning today. He waits until I am at work and then calls his Dad. The school is very close to the hospital. I don't know what to do. I'm embarrassed to say that I sometimes wish they were still going to school away from home- it was so much easier to not have it right in my face. I'm not a bad mom- just honest.
Today I came to the conclusion that I am not going to be interviewed for that ED position- not even a first interview. We were told not to come to the office next Friday, the search committee will be conducting interviews. It clicked- I have not been invited to interview, therefore I am not being considered. I feel as if I'm not qualified to do any job- or overqualified to do most. How frustrating. Oh well, something will open for me.
I finally bought Nettle tea and also a hibiscus cranberry tea. I'm steeping them together, will that interfere with the benefits of either? Liver and kidney health, right?
I am tired, and cranky from the day. I'm going to close for today.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
fauschnaught day
Hmmmm...I see it a bit differently. If you would have videotaped the magic of this morning, rather than share a real moment with virtual friends, I think you would have rendered a real moment virtual. You would not have stopped and been filled with awe at the beauty of the moment. You would have separated yourself from the moment, put a camera between you and a real moment.
Rather than Mardi Gras, here we had Fauschnaught Day. I made a big pot of lentil soup and lots and lots of donuts. Then we had about 17 people in and out to help polish off the sweets. It was a fun day with lots of kid noise and laughter. I got to see old friends, and one even insisted I leave the stove and come sit and chat.
When my kids were young, we always did this. As the boys approached adolescents, they started having donut eating contests. It was disgusting, but leaves such sweet memories. My daughter-in-law was cooking with me today, and I wondered if the tradition would continue without me, after I pass.
Lent...it has been years since I stopped to consider a church calendar. But...
I have to admit, I have been sugar/flour binging. Today was the last day of that. So maybe that is my Lent, although I hope to continue forever - not just 40 days. I have been reading some works of a woman who is discovering that binge eating/overeating is a chemically caused mental illness. It is an addiction caused by food additives. Her suggestion is to not eat anything that needs an ingredients label. I think I may try that for Lent and beyond.
Since I have been eating poison, I feel what I used to feel - heartburn, tiredness, headaches...my complexion is grey. This is so not worth it. But on the other hand, I had no idea how good I have been feeling. Now I remember why I wanted to quit...
Laely, when I get tired, and tired of this really intense winter, I chant...just a few more weeks. We'll be at the beach. There will be sunshine!
How did your appointment go?
Love and hugs from Clare
Rather than Mardi Gras, here we had Fauschnaught Day. I made a big pot of lentil soup and lots and lots of donuts. Then we had about 17 people in and out to help polish off the sweets. It was a fun day with lots of kid noise and laughter. I got to see old friends, and one even insisted I leave the stove and come sit and chat.
When my kids were young, we always did this. As the boys approached adolescents, they started having donut eating contests. It was disgusting, but leaves such sweet memories. My daughter-in-law was cooking with me today, and I wondered if the tradition would continue without me, after I pass.
Lent...it has been years since I stopped to consider a church calendar. But...
I have to admit, I have been sugar/flour binging. Today was the last day of that. So maybe that is my Lent, although I hope to continue forever - not just 40 days. I have been reading some works of a woman who is discovering that binge eating/overeating is a chemically caused mental illness. It is an addiction caused by food additives. Her suggestion is to not eat anything that needs an ingredients label. I think I may try that for Lent and beyond.
Since I have been eating poison, I feel what I used to feel - heartburn, tiredness, headaches...my complexion is grey. This is so not worth it. But on the other hand, I had no idea how good I have been feeling. Now I remember why I wanted to quit...
Laely, when I get tired, and tired of this really intense winter, I chant...just a few more weeks. We'll be at the beach. There will be sunshine!
How did your appointment go?
Love and hugs from Clare
Mardi Gras
Clare,
Good Morning. Lot to think about.
I was able to sleep in this morning, we have another snow day. As I was coming down to do yoga I saw the most beautiful sight. The snow, really ice particles at this point were floating gently through the air, through the tree branches, onto the pure white piles of snow. It is magical. It is breathtakingly beautiful. I wish I could capture it on video…
but then I'd want to post it to make it real for all of my virtual friends.
As I drove to work yesterday I listened to an NPR program discussing the neurobiology of digital media use. It sounds dry, but it was fascinating. She talked about each person's need to individualize. To make themselves real. She considered that in the past we used to drive our own imaginations- make up games, construct fantasies in our brains, and then play them out. We developed those parts of our brain that make us unique. Now, with video games and computer entertainment available constantly, we allow their script to entertain us, to engage our imaginations. Are we going to be able to find our strengths and weaknesses in this environment? Her message was about balanced use, technology as a tool, not allowing it to consume too much of our time and energy.
So today is Mardi Gras. I am not sure if I am going to observe any lenten sacrifices. Even though I no longer consider myself Catholic, I still feel drawn to a lenten sacrifice. Something to remind me of my need for relationship with the Divine on a daily basis, more acutely than other times of the year. I have to think of something to nurture that relationship.
Today's Agreement is the third- Never Make Assumptions. I find this really interesting because we take a lot of the poison that others have gifted us with and project it onto others around us.
We assume we know what people are thinking.
We assume we know what they want or need.
We assume that we know everything about them and then we judge them-harshly generally.
We dissipate our discomfort onto those who surround us.
That's enough for today.
I have my annual GYN visit today. I am a little anxious because last year this was the visit that started the cancer ball rolling. This was when I first asked for the genetic testing.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Good Morning. Lot to think about.
I was able to sleep in this morning, we have another snow day. As I was coming down to do yoga I saw the most beautiful sight. The snow, really ice particles at this point were floating gently through the air, through the tree branches, onto the pure white piles of snow. It is magical. It is breathtakingly beautiful. I wish I could capture it on video…
but then I'd want to post it to make it real for all of my virtual friends.
As I drove to work yesterday I listened to an NPR program discussing the neurobiology of digital media use. It sounds dry, but it was fascinating. She talked about each person's need to individualize. To make themselves real. She considered that in the past we used to drive our own imaginations- make up games, construct fantasies in our brains, and then play them out. We developed those parts of our brain that make us unique. Now, with video games and computer entertainment available constantly, we allow their script to entertain us, to engage our imaginations. Are we going to be able to find our strengths and weaknesses in this environment? Her message was about balanced use, technology as a tool, not allowing it to consume too much of our time and energy.
So today is Mardi Gras. I am not sure if I am going to observe any lenten sacrifices. Even though I no longer consider myself Catholic, I still feel drawn to a lenten sacrifice. Something to remind me of my need for relationship with the Divine on a daily basis, more acutely than other times of the year. I have to think of something to nurture that relationship.
Today's Agreement is the third- Never Make Assumptions. I find this really interesting because we take a lot of the poison that others have gifted us with and project it onto others around us.
We assume we know what people are thinking.
We assume we know what they want or need.
We assume that we know everything about them and then we judge them-harshly generally.
We dissipate our discomfort onto those who surround us.
That's enough for today.
I have my annual GYN visit today. I am a little anxious because last year this was the visit that started the cancer ball rolling. This was when I first asked for the genetic testing.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, February 16, 2015
looping
Hi Maggie,
The second of the four agreements was always most important to me. This is what I think of when someone lashes out at me, saying mean things or inappropriate things. It's not me. I'm just the screen they are projecting themselves onto.
We were excited this evening. The turkeys came back to sleep in the wooded area behind my garden. They came back in time to be on the count for this year. I really like the fact that they are there.
Thinking about your words - I think we are social in order to survive, yes, but we are social because we are part of the web. We need that connection and, when we are in balance, the connection needs us. I saw a brief article that speculated humans may have different roots than other mammals. It stated that other mammals fit their environment. They do not overfeed or overproduce. They know how to live in balance. They can live in harmony. Humans, on the other hand, act more like viruses...we are sick, and we are out of balance. When we are healthy, we are unafraid, unashamed and in balance. We see all of our relatives, all of our connections...we are truly social.
I get on the same rant as you...we are living virtual lives. Communication and connection only seem real if we have technology between us recording, authenticating. My grandson was adorably cute, and part of me wanted to post it on Facebook, to make it real. But social media are a poor substitute for real life. So I post almost nothing, preferring to live a real life.
But I do think it's part of wanting a witness for our lives, wanting to feel like there's someone out there who notices.
I had two "hits" today that I wanted to share. I was talking to someone who had a parent who was a binge alcoholic. We talked about some of the effects of beiong brought up in chaos. There was wondering - that maybe without the craziness, perhaps this person would not have retreated into imagination, into writing, into creativity.
Are there gifts that come from being brought up in trauma? Would we be less creative if we had been raised in a healthy - yeah "healthy" - family? What would our talents be if we didn't war with ourselves and our history all the time?
I'm willing to concede that a bit of trauma gifts us with wisdom. But when we lose all faith in our own value - then it was too much...
The other thing I am considering is that when something bad or shocking happens to us - I'm thinking about the Challenger explosion, about the jets plunging into the Twin Towers, about Grammy dying - we feel it in our stomach. It feels like someone has punches us. There is physical distress. What if, by eating crap and participating in other addictive practices we created that same distress in the gut. Does that backtrack up to the brain and make us believe something awful has happened.
Are we caught in a loop?
Love and hugs...
Clafe
The second of the four agreements was always most important to me. This is what I think of when someone lashes out at me, saying mean things or inappropriate things. It's not me. I'm just the screen they are projecting themselves onto.
We were excited this evening. The turkeys came back to sleep in the wooded area behind my garden. They came back in time to be on the count for this year. I really like the fact that they are there.
Thinking about your words - I think we are social in order to survive, yes, but we are social because we are part of the web. We need that connection and, when we are in balance, the connection needs us. I saw a brief article that speculated humans may have different roots than other mammals. It stated that other mammals fit their environment. They do not overfeed or overproduce. They know how to live in balance. They can live in harmony. Humans, on the other hand, act more like viruses...we are sick, and we are out of balance. When we are healthy, we are unafraid, unashamed and in balance. We see all of our relatives, all of our connections...we are truly social.
I get on the same rant as you...we are living virtual lives. Communication and connection only seem real if we have technology between us recording, authenticating. My grandson was adorably cute, and part of me wanted to post it on Facebook, to make it real. But social media are a poor substitute for real life. So I post almost nothing, preferring to live a real life.
But I do think it's part of wanting a witness for our lives, wanting to feel like there's someone out there who notices.
I had two "hits" today that I wanted to share. I was talking to someone who had a parent who was a binge alcoholic. We talked about some of the effects of beiong brought up in chaos. There was wondering - that maybe without the craziness, perhaps this person would not have retreated into imagination, into writing, into creativity.
Are there gifts that come from being brought up in trauma? Would we be less creative if we had been raised in a healthy - yeah "healthy" - family? What would our talents be if we didn't war with ourselves and our history all the time?
I'm willing to concede that a bit of trauma gifts us with wisdom. But when we lose all faith in our own value - then it was too much...
The other thing I am considering is that when something bad or shocking happens to us - I'm thinking about the Challenger explosion, about the jets plunging into the Twin Towers, about Grammy dying - we feel it in our stomach. It feels like someone has punches us. There is physical distress. What if, by eating crap and participating in other addictive practices we created that same distress in the gut. Does that backtrack up to the brain and make us believe something awful has happened.
Are we caught in a loop?
Love and hugs...
Clafe
Don't take anything personally
Clare,
It sounds like you had an interesting weekend. I enjoyed mine as well. My youngest convinced us to pick up his Ukranian friend for the weekend. She is a lovely girl, but it definitely changes the dynamic of the house. Suddenly husband and I have to figure out who can chaperone while the other goes out. Anyway, they went snowboarding on the mountain Saturday, so I had the afternoon to myself. It was fabulous. I cooked, knitted a scarf, watched a movie, and relaxed. I needed that. Somewhere in that afternoon my headache slipped away…probably with the stress of the week.
Today I read the second of the 4 agreements…
Don't take anything personally.
This speaks to those memes that have been placed in our heads over the years.
If people say mean things about you, tell yourself it is about their broken-ness, not yours.
Conversely, if they say nice things you can't claim those either.
You have to find your value within yourself and remain centered there.
I was taken back a few weeks when I read that. I recently gave a talk for social workers. The topic was ethics of genetics. It was 3 hours, so the first hour I set the stage with some biology review of genetics. I got so much push-back…people didn't come there for a science lecture…TMI.
I read through the evaluations after to see if there was a way to improve the presentation and one person told me that I should have kept my personal information secret…I shared my years' journey to put a human face on the topic. I was devastated. How could someone not appreciate the sharing of a personal story? After reading today, I realize that person was dealing with their own issues and projecting them onto me. It was a sad outlet for them. But, I carried that weight with me for several weeks. How incredibly unproductive. What a waste of my time and energy.
We are social.
Our right brain is all about the connection we have with all other beings or creation. We allow our left brain to dominate because we like to be separate, ego-driven. But, in the end we still possess that pesky right brain…keeping us connected.
Why are we social?
I wonder if it is about perpetuating the species…
procreating and raising our young.
That would make sense.
But, there's a part of me that wants to believe that there is something more. There are lessons to be learned from connection with others. There are positive and negative interactions that teach us so much, make us stronger, make us more vulnerable, make us more trusting. The biggest lessons in this realm are learned from connection with others…socializing.
Can we change social?
Is connection an evolutionary construct that can be changed? Is the stress of our current environment demanding radical adaptation of social? I once read, I believe it was Caroline Myss, that said that eventually we would not need phones to communicate…that telepathy is quite possible if we just trusted and believed in it. But, she cynically added, that cell phone companies will maintain their piece of the market by creating devices that destroy that belief. Is all of this constant communication, continuously being on line, a precursor to that time when we will be able to access each other without devices?
Our social interactions have morphed since we were children. We spoke to people, face to face. We were only allowed to use the telephone occasionally and for short periods of time. It was a shared phone for the family. I remember the first mobile phone we got…it was so big it needed its own purse to carry it around. Husband had it for work…he gave up the beeper for the mobile phone. Then all of the advances in cell phones, then smart phones and PCs to allow messaging anytime, all of the time. We are desperate for connection so we reach out electronically- and then, too often, use it as a forum to shame and belittle others. I guess that gives us power and control over the target.
I am on a rant today. My brain is playing with all of these ideas. I should end, before this turns into a dissertation. Remember, don't take anything personally.
Love and Light my beautiful sister.
Stay warm,
Maggie
It sounds like you had an interesting weekend. I enjoyed mine as well. My youngest convinced us to pick up his Ukranian friend for the weekend. She is a lovely girl, but it definitely changes the dynamic of the house. Suddenly husband and I have to figure out who can chaperone while the other goes out. Anyway, they went snowboarding on the mountain Saturday, so I had the afternoon to myself. It was fabulous. I cooked, knitted a scarf, watched a movie, and relaxed. I needed that. Somewhere in that afternoon my headache slipped away…probably with the stress of the week.
Today I read the second of the 4 agreements…
Don't take anything personally.
This speaks to those memes that have been placed in our heads over the years.
If people say mean things about you, tell yourself it is about their broken-ness, not yours.
Conversely, if they say nice things you can't claim those either.
You have to find your value within yourself and remain centered there.
I was taken back a few weeks when I read that. I recently gave a talk for social workers. The topic was ethics of genetics. It was 3 hours, so the first hour I set the stage with some biology review of genetics. I got so much push-back…people didn't come there for a science lecture…TMI.
I read through the evaluations after to see if there was a way to improve the presentation and one person told me that I should have kept my personal information secret…I shared my years' journey to put a human face on the topic. I was devastated. How could someone not appreciate the sharing of a personal story? After reading today, I realize that person was dealing with their own issues and projecting them onto me. It was a sad outlet for them. But, I carried that weight with me for several weeks. How incredibly unproductive. What a waste of my time and energy.
We are social.
Our right brain is all about the connection we have with all other beings or creation. We allow our left brain to dominate because we like to be separate, ego-driven. But, in the end we still possess that pesky right brain…keeping us connected.
Why are we social?
I wonder if it is about perpetuating the species…
procreating and raising our young.
That would make sense.
But, there's a part of me that wants to believe that there is something more. There are lessons to be learned from connection with others. There are positive and negative interactions that teach us so much, make us stronger, make us more vulnerable, make us more trusting. The biggest lessons in this realm are learned from connection with others…socializing.
Can we change social?
Is connection an evolutionary construct that can be changed? Is the stress of our current environment demanding radical adaptation of social? I once read, I believe it was Caroline Myss, that said that eventually we would not need phones to communicate…that telepathy is quite possible if we just trusted and believed in it. But, she cynically added, that cell phone companies will maintain their piece of the market by creating devices that destroy that belief. Is all of this constant communication, continuously being on line, a precursor to that time when we will be able to access each other without devices?
Our social interactions have morphed since we were children. We spoke to people, face to face. We were only allowed to use the telephone occasionally and for short periods of time. It was a shared phone for the family. I remember the first mobile phone we got…it was so big it needed its own purse to carry it around. Husband had it for work…he gave up the beeper for the mobile phone. Then all of the advances in cell phones, then smart phones and PCs to allow messaging anytime, all of the time. We are desperate for connection so we reach out electronically- and then, too often, use it as a forum to shame and belittle others. I guess that gives us power and control over the target.
I am on a rant today. My brain is playing with all of these ideas. I should end, before this turns into a dissertation. Remember, don't take anything personally.
Love and Light my beautiful sister.
Stay warm,
Maggie
Sunday, February 15, 2015
So, I'm strange...
Yeah, I know we are social, And I know that emotional trauma can change us, physiologically. But describing the brain as being a social organ opened my mind. I understood malleability and elasticity in a new way. We are definitely better together.We do need each other. We are tribal.
I hope you had fun with your beautiful daughters.
My weekend did not go as planned, but it went well. I had my three local grandchildren for an overnight. Since the older two were staying my daughter asked if the baby could stay too. It is so brutally cold outside and seemed better not to take her outside at night. Then this morning, when they were planning to come and get here, boyfriend's truck slid off their driveway. She called and let me know there would be a delay. Boyfriend's father came with his plow truck, and that slid off the driveway, too. So I still have the baby, and I never got any of the downtime I crave.
This is the longest mother and baby have ever been separated. I thought maybe it might be a cosmic test for the probable upcoming knee surgery.
When my kids said they were stupid, I told them no one could talk about my child that way...not even them. I wonder why she is so proud of it. If she willingly puts down the title, she may have to retire her role as victim.
The messages I heard/hear??? Mostly come from Dad. You can probably hear them all in his voice.
Fat, dumb and ugly.
Why try, you can't do it anyway. It's just a waste of time.
Going to college is a waste of money. You're just going to get married and have kids anyway.
For someone who is supposed to be so smart, you have no sense.
I guess I never realized what a waste of resources I was for him...You damned kids. This is all your fault, all your fault, all your fault...If I didn't have you...
The fat bitch comments come from me, but were seeded by our culture - both national and familial.
This weekend is the national bird count. I have been doing this for years and years. Your godson was my avid companion throughout his childhood. Now he and his wife still pay attention to the birds.
I have a bird-feeding station outside my office window. Because I am involved with work, I miss details of what goes on out there.With the bird count, we have to stand and watch for 15 minutes at a time. I discovered we have a rabbit visiting the station. I watched the tree swallows head off with the juncos. They are breast to breast, flapping wings, trying to get the other to back down. My favorites have long been the chickadees. They seem like clowns to me. But this weekend, I entertained strange thoughts...
Usually I glance from my desk, occasionally. This weekend, I stood near the window. My silhouette seemed to bother them. The cat, who likes to watch - with murder in her heart, does not bother them.
I was watching when nephew went out to full the feeders. everyone, except the chickadees, took off. The chickadees stayed close, watching, they sometimes even land on his hand to grab a seed as he is filling the feeder. They are not afraid. Or, maybe, they can tell that he has a gentle heart and there is nothing to fear. I was wondering if they had any idea where the seeds come from. Do they stop and wonder how abundance automatically and magically appears? I wondered if that made us god, sort of. Then I wondered about beings watching us and providing enough for us, whether we had any idea where stuff came from or not. Then the mind wandered to that place where I understand that I do not know a lot about the private life of birds, and I wondered if god was equally clueless about us...
Then I was thinking about how cold it is. I was wondering how these little creatures survive this brutal cold, and I wondered if it is as cold in their reality...
Then I strayed to global warming and climate change. even though it is really cold...the last two years have had some shockingly cold moments. But we know the climate is warming...most of us know. I thought about the voices that accept and understand versus the voices telling us not to worry, not to be crazy - there is no global warming. I found myself comparing - the Earth is flat and the Earth is the center of the universe to the current - the climate is warming...and it seems most people understand the truth. It's religion that speaks against it. All of a sudden religion and ignorance tied together in my brain.
Like I said...weird day.
And I work tomorrow morning, so I must be off to dreamland!
I love you!
Clare
I hope you had fun with your beautiful daughters.
My weekend did not go as planned, but it went well. I had my three local grandchildren for an overnight. Since the older two were staying my daughter asked if the baby could stay too. It is so brutally cold outside and seemed better not to take her outside at night. Then this morning, when they were planning to come and get here, boyfriend's truck slid off their driveway. She called and let me know there would be a delay. Boyfriend's father came with his plow truck, and that slid off the driveway, too. So I still have the baby, and I never got any of the downtime I crave.
This is the longest mother and baby have ever been separated. I thought maybe it might be a cosmic test for the probable upcoming knee surgery.
When my kids said they were stupid, I told them no one could talk about my child that way...not even them. I wonder why she is so proud of it. If she willingly puts down the title, she may have to retire her role as victim.
The messages I heard/hear??? Mostly come from Dad. You can probably hear them all in his voice.
Fat, dumb and ugly.
Why try, you can't do it anyway. It's just a waste of time.
Going to college is a waste of money. You're just going to get married and have kids anyway.
For someone who is supposed to be so smart, you have no sense.
I guess I never realized what a waste of resources I was for him...You damned kids. This is all your fault, all your fault, all your fault...If I didn't have you...
The fat bitch comments come from me, but were seeded by our culture - both national and familial.
This weekend is the national bird count. I have been doing this for years and years. Your godson was my avid companion throughout his childhood. Now he and his wife still pay attention to the birds.
I have a bird-feeding station outside my office window. Because I am involved with work, I miss details of what goes on out there.With the bird count, we have to stand and watch for 15 minutes at a time. I discovered we have a rabbit visiting the station. I watched the tree swallows head off with the juncos. They are breast to breast, flapping wings, trying to get the other to back down. My favorites have long been the chickadees. They seem like clowns to me. But this weekend, I entertained strange thoughts...
Usually I glance from my desk, occasionally. This weekend, I stood near the window. My silhouette seemed to bother them. The cat, who likes to watch - with murder in her heart, does not bother them.
I was watching when nephew went out to full the feeders. everyone, except the chickadees, took off. The chickadees stayed close, watching, they sometimes even land on his hand to grab a seed as he is filling the feeder. They are not afraid. Or, maybe, they can tell that he has a gentle heart and there is nothing to fear. I was wondering if they had any idea where the seeds come from. Do they stop and wonder how abundance automatically and magically appears? I wondered if that made us god, sort of. Then I wondered about beings watching us and providing enough for us, whether we had any idea where stuff came from or not. Then the mind wandered to that place where I understand that I do not know a lot about the private life of birds, and I wondered if god was equally clueless about us...
Then I was thinking about how cold it is. I was wondering how these little creatures survive this brutal cold, and I wondered if it is as cold in their reality...
Then I strayed to global warming and climate change. even though it is really cold...the last two years have had some shockingly cold moments. But we know the climate is warming...most of us know. I thought about the voices that accept and understand versus the voices telling us not to worry, not to be crazy - there is no global warming. I found myself comparing - the Earth is flat and the Earth is the center of the universe to the current - the climate is warming...and it seems most people understand the truth. It's religion that speaks against it. All of a sudden religion and ignorance tied together in my brain.
Like I said...weird day.
And I work tomorrow morning, so I must be off to dreamland!
I love you!
Clare
Impeccability of word
Clare,
I think we are social beings…
through and through.
The brain needs stimulation from others to develop ideas…
test theories…
center it.
The body responds to others subconsciously.
We need to be in communion with others.
Not with everyone we meet…
but some resonate with us…
we feel immediately comfortable with them…
and we begin friendships.
After my horse died my reiki healer told me that he has been with me in a previous life. That was why we recognized each other at that barn on the first day we met. I wonder how many times each day or week that happens to us? It is a fascinating idea.
I get headaches like that occasionally. They usually last 3 days…as this one did. They make me sick for the duration, but I push through and continue to do my daily tasks. I believe that this one started with my new job. The chair and height of the computer screen are different than what I am used to. That strains my neck and I end up with spasm. This has been happening since I was a med student, but became a real problem after I had my last child. He was so big, at 6 month he weighed 20 lbs, and I had to support all that while I carried him while caring for 3 others. I started seeing a chiropractor and massage therapist and saw them for years. Over the past 2 years I have a deep tissue massage every other week. She spends an hour on my upper back…and I still have problems. My reiki healer tells me the spasms are centered around my "trauma & drama" centers…more on the female than male side…you can interpret that anyway you'd like.
It is so cold here…they just cancelled husband's church service.
I am going to brunch with my daughters today. We are going to the Hershey Hotel to celebrate daughter#2's birthday. The oldest is meeting us there. I am looking forward to it.
I picked up The Four Agreements today. I read the first agreement…Be impeccable with your word. It is a good reminder of speaking and receiving from a place of love and acceptance. It gave examples of spells we place onto others by our words. Telling someone they can't sing, or they are stupid, or ugly…fat, dumb and ugly…
Those are the spells, created by words, that influence our actions and choices.
The older client I have written about repeatedly says, "I'm stupid"…
I stop her and ask her to re-phrase that…
I explain that our words drive our actions and that there is power there.
She laughs at me…
laughs at the one trying to re-program the thought patterns…
She tells me that her mom, foster- parents, everyone has told her that, so it must be true.
Who am I to argue?
But, I do argue…
not really argue…
but I challenge the belief…
over and over again.
We have many thoughts, placed in our heads many years ago, that need to be challenged.
"You're to be seen and not heard"
" Who could ever love a fat bitch like you?"
"Why should I take time to teach you sewing, cooking, piano, etc? You're going to be a doctor anyway."(Insinuating that I would be less than a woman if I became a doctor)
What are some of the word-spells that you've been placed under?
Love and Light my beautiful sister,
Maggie
I think we are social beings…
through and through.
The brain needs stimulation from others to develop ideas…
test theories…
center it.
The body responds to others subconsciously.
We need to be in communion with others.
Not with everyone we meet…
but some resonate with us…
we feel immediately comfortable with them…
and we begin friendships.
After my horse died my reiki healer told me that he has been with me in a previous life. That was why we recognized each other at that barn on the first day we met. I wonder how many times each day or week that happens to us? It is a fascinating idea.
I get headaches like that occasionally. They usually last 3 days…as this one did. They make me sick for the duration, but I push through and continue to do my daily tasks. I believe that this one started with my new job. The chair and height of the computer screen are different than what I am used to. That strains my neck and I end up with spasm. This has been happening since I was a med student, but became a real problem after I had my last child. He was so big, at 6 month he weighed 20 lbs, and I had to support all that while I carried him while caring for 3 others. I started seeing a chiropractor and massage therapist and saw them for years. Over the past 2 years I have a deep tissue massage every other week. She spends an hour on my upper back…and I still have problems. My reiki healer tells me the spasms are centered around my "trauma & drama" centers…more on the female than male side…you can interpret that anyway you'd like.
It is so cold here…they just cancelled husband's church service.
I am going to brunch with my daughters today. We are going to the Hershey Hotel to celebrate daughter#2's birthday. The oldest is meeting us there. I am looking forward to it.
I picked up The Four Agreements today. I read the first agreement…Be impeccable with your word. It is a good reminder of speaking and receiving from a place of love and acceptance. It gave examples of spells we place onto others by our words. Telling someone they can't sing, or they are stupid, or ugly…fat, dumb and ugly…
Those are the spells, created by words, that influence our actions and choices.
The older client I have written about repeatedly says, "I'm stupid"…
I stop her and ask her to re-phrase that…
I explain that our words drive our actions and that there is power there.
She laughs at me…
laughs at the one trying to re-program the thought patterns…
She tells me that her mom, foster- parents, everyone has told her that, so it must be true.
Who am I to argue?
But, I do argue…
not really argue…
but I challenge the belief…
over and over again.
We have many thoughts, placed in our heads many years ago, that need to be challenged.
"You're to be seen and not heard"
" Who could ever love a fat bitch like you?"
"Why should I take time to teach you sewing, cooking, piano, etc? You're going to be a doctor anyway."(Insinuating that I would be less than a woman if I became a doctor)
What are some of the word-spells that you've been placed under?
Love and Light my beautiful sister,
Maggie
Friday, February 13, 2015
no problem
Hi Maggie,
I had to look up hakuna matata. I see it is Swahili for - there's no problem. I have actually never seen The Lion King. I tend to avoid all things Disney. Maybe that's part of my search for the unprocessed life!
Do you have any idea why you were in such pain? Is that common for you?
My friend is very funny...I think you realize that you met her. Sometimes when she is angry or frustrated, she'll go off on what she is going to say in specific circumstances. So I mention she might want to think about her goal...maybe she might want to say...and I brainstorm. Suddenly she'll say. "Wait a minute. Wait, I'm writing this down."
I remember listening to a Quaker healer talk about his journey and his challenges. He started his work with AIDS victims who were rejected by their families - back in the beginning. He also worked with torture victims from east Europe. He talked about absorbing their trauma, about not being able to escape from it. Then he realized he washed his hands frequently during the day. He made a conscious choice to release everything he picked up from his clients and let it flow away with the water. You might need to find something like that. The work you are doing now is true and important. You need to protect yourself, or maybe maintain yourself.
I know I have mentioned the book Pronoia. I would suggest it to your older women client. It is such a fun book.
I found an article that made me stop and think today:
http://soundmedicine.org/post/childhood-trauma-leads-brains-wired-fear
The sentence that leaped out, grabbed me and shook me a little was: The brain is a social organ that is shaped by experience...
I never thought about any physical body part being social. But the combination of words simply struck me as being a new way to perceive myself.
I also remember reading that traumatic experiences affect the thyroid, inhibiting its ability to function correctly.
We are definitely falling into the understanding that our spirits and bodies work together, are really one on many levels. It means I am more my body that I ever thought. So often I have just considered it as a vehicle to house my real self during this lifetime. I think maybe I don't love my body enough..
And with that, I'll leave...perchance I'll dream...
Sending love and healing thoughts,
Clare
I had to look up hakuna matata. I see it is Swahili for - there's no problem. I have actually never seen The Lion King. I tend to avoid all things Disney. Maybe that's part of my search for the unprocessed life!
Do you have any idea why you were in such pain? Is that common for you?
My friend is very funny...I think you realize that you met her. Sometimes when she is angry or frustrated, she'll go off on what she is going to say in specific circumstances. So I mention she might want to think about her goal...maybe she might want to say...and I brainstorm. Suddenly she'll say. "Wait a minute. Wait, I'm writing this down."
I remember listening to a Quaker healer talk about his journey and his challenges. He started his work with AIDS victims who were rejected by their families - back in the beginning. He also worked with torture victims from east Europe. He talked about absorbing their trauma, about not being able to escape from it. Then he realized he washed his hands frequently during the day. He made a conscious choice to release everything he picked up from his clients and let it flow away with the water. You might need to find something like that. The work you are doing now is true and important. You need to protect yourself, or maybe maintain yourself.
I know I have mentioned the book Pronoia. I would suggest it to your older women client. It is such a fun book.
I found an article that made me stop and think today:
http://soundmedicine.org/post/childhood-trauma-leads-brains-wired-fear
The sentence that leaped out, grabbed me and shook me a little was: The brain is a social organ that is shaped by experience...
I never thought about any physical body part being social. But the combination of words simply struck me as being a new way to perceive myself.
I also remember reading that traumatic experiences affect the thyroid, inhibiting its ability to function correctly.
We are definitely falling into the understanding that our spirits and bodies work together, are really one on many levels. It means I am more my body that I ever thought. So often I have just considered it as a vehicle to house my real self during this lifetime. I think maybe I don't love my body enough..
And with that, I'll leave...perchance I'll dream...
Sending love and healing thoughts,
Clare
Hakuna Matata
Clare,
Good morning. Our school is on a two hour delay so I have 30 minutes to myself.
It's so nice to have a block of peace.
Actually it's been a rough morning…
I woke up at 4:30 with a wicked headache on the left…
neck, shoulder, temple- everything hurt…
my left eye was watering…
I placed 2 salon pas onto the worst areas, made a back roll and tried to go back to sleep.
No luck…
husband got up at 5 and brought me a heating pad and motrin…
5:30 still no relief…
so he did some pressure point release…
I went back to bed and slept until 7…
the headache is much better.
I love the point that your friend acknowledges that you have made her a better person.
You held/hold a piece of her puzzle.
I believe recognizing that in the moment is quite rare.
I'm proud of you.
I think you are right…
the best answer is to just listen…
to see their humanity as it struggles with the present problems through the lenses of their past traumas.
Yesterday I think I just heard more than my share of pain.
From the outside it is so easy and convenient to say…
get over it…
the past is in the past…
hakuna matata.
I think that is the strength that I bring to the counseling room…
I've lived through the trauma…
am wading the swamp…
and am going back in to bring others along.
It sounds like Harriet Tubman…
That makes me smile.
My own micro-underground railroad.
In a month we sisters will be gathered in NC. I am so looking forward to it. Husband is already giving me grief about going. I just smile and tell him that he can book the house any time he wants to. He gets into a funky whenever I'm not home. Next week I have 2 evening lectures and a play…he's complaining that we won't spend time together. I love him, but this drives me crazy.
Anyway, we will have a great time.
Love and Light beautiful sister.
Stay warm,
Maggie
Good morning. Our school is on a two hour delay so I have 30 minutes to myself.
It's so nice to have a block of peace.
Actually it's been a rough morning…
I woke up at 4:30 with a wicked headache on the left…
neck, shoulder, temple- everything hurt…
my left eye was watering…
I placed 2 salon pas onto the worst areas, made a back roll and tried to go back to sleep.
No luck…
husband got up at 5 and brought me a heating pad and motrin…
5:30 still no relief…
so he did some pressure point release…
I went back to bed and slept until 7…
the headache is much better.
I love the point that your friend acknowledges that you have made her a better person.
You held/hold a piece of her puzzle.
I believe recognizing that in the moment is quite rare.
I'm proud of you.
I think you are right…
the best answer is to just listen…
to see their humanity as it struggles with the present problems through the lenses of their past traumas.
Yesterday I think I just heard more than my share of pain.
From the outside it is so easy and convenient to say…
get over it…
the past is in the past…
hakuna matata.
I think that is the strength that I bring to the counseling room…
I've lived through the trauma…
am wading the swamp…
and am going back in to bring others along.
It sounds like Harriet Tubman…
That makes me smile.
My own micro-underground railroad.
In a month we sisters will be gathered in NC. I am so looking forward to it. Husband is already giving me grief about going. I just smile and tell him that he can book the house any time he wants to. He gets into a funky whenever I'm not home. Next week I have 2 evening lectures and a play…he's complaining that we won't spend time together. I love him, but this drives me crazy.
Anyway, we will have a great time.
Love and Light beautiful sister.
Stay warm,
Maggie
Thursday, February 12, 2015
surrender into hope
Hi Maggie,
I wasn't worried yesterday. I assumed you were celebrating your beautiful Aquarian child.
Your second client reminds me of someone I know. I know an older woman who I talk to almost daily - because she calls me and checks in. I think we all need someone to acknowledge us, to be our witness. We are almost more real, or more alive, when someone sees us. If we feel invisible, sometimes we go to unwise extremes to be noticed.
I have been talking to this woman for years. When we first started talking she was almost unbearably negative. But she has changed. Her need to get attention seems to have lessened. She is more patient. She is much less likely to complain now...she can roll with the punches. Her kindness emerges more and more every day.
She had a hard childhood...the usual story of screwed up parents, violence, sexual violence, rejection which, of course, led to a violent marriage and the eventual loss of her children...Lots to be bitter about.
She says I have changed her.
I have been challenged as to why I am friends with her. All I can say is - its easy to be friends with the cool kids. And...angels come in guises. Through kindness we have the honor of entertaining angels unaware.
Lots of times I don't think people are asking for answers. People simply want to be heard. If you hear me, if you acknowledge me...than I am real.
Maybe that is the gift we offer each other. I read a book about a primitive people. If someone behaved frighteningly outside of the norm, the others behaved as if that person was dead. And so the person did die, or they left. Maybe we need each other to make each other real.
I seem to be living The Velveteen Rabbit lately. Maybe I should reread the book!
You do have the answers. You have Me, too and you have I care. I think that is enough.
I continue to torture myself, as my youngest says, with dog rescue stories. I hold my breath waiting for that moment...at first the dog is suspicious. He begins to relax. The human gets a rope around the dog's neck, and the dog wails and panics. I know that feeling. Then there is a moment, resignation followed by hope...the dog gives in to hope and goes with the rescuers,
That moment of surrender into hope is the moment I wait for. I always cry. Maybe I continue to watch, hoping the lessons of these master teachers of love will help me learn to do the same...
I did a bad thing today...I ate a cookie. One of my neighbors plows my driveway every time he does his own. He says he just likes to help. And now we have so much snow and so much drifting, that the driveway was a ness. So another neighbor brought his tractor and front end loader over and moved snow. I was surprised, and decided to make cookies for everyone. A few broke, and I ate some pieces. Now I feel crappy. I think sugar has become poison for me. It might be psychosomatic, but we're going with this. I can no longer handle sugar. And I can't have it ever again!
That's the news from snow country, where the temperature is dropping to scary lows for the next few days...
Love and hugs and such little sister,
Clare
I wasn't worried yesterday. I assumed you were celebrating your beautiful Aquarian child.
Your second client reminds me of someone I know. I know an older woman who I talk to almost daily - because she calls me and checks in. I think we all need someone to acknowledge us, to be our witness. We are almost more real, or more alive, when someone sees us. If we feel invisible, sometimes we go to unwise extremes to be noticed.
I have been talking to this woman for years. When we first started talking she was almost unbearably negative. But she has changed. Her need to get attention seems to have lessened. She is more patient. She is much less likely to complain now...she can roll with the punches. Her kindness emerges more and more every day.
She had a hard childhood...the usual story of screwed up parents, violence, sexual violence, rejection which, of course, led to a violent marriage and the eventual loss of her children...Lots to be bitter about.
She says I have changed her.
I have been challenged as to why I am friends with her. All I can say is - its easy to be friends with the cool kids. And...angels come in guises. Through kindness we have the honor of entertaining angels unaware.
Lots of times I don't think people are asking for answers. People simply want to be heard. If you hear me, if you acknowledge me...than I am real.
Maybe that is the gift we offer each other. I read a book about a primitive people. If someone behaved frighteningly outside of the norm, the others behaved as if that person was dead. And so the person did die, or they left. Maybe we need each other to make each other real.
I seem to be living The Velveteen Rabbit lately. Maybe I should reread the book!
You do have the answers. You have Me, too and you have I care. I think that is enough.
I continue to torture myself, as my youngest says, with dog rescue stories. I hold my breath waiting for that moment...at first the dog is suspicious. He begins to relax. The human gets a rope around the dog's neck, and the dog wails and panics. I know that feeling. Then there is a moment, resignation followed by hope...the dog gives in to hope and goes with the rescuers,
That moment of surrender into hope is the moment I wait for. I always cry. Maybe I continue to watch, hoping the lessons of these master teachers of love will help me learn to do the same...
I did a bad thing today...I ate a cookie. One of my neighbors plows my driveway every time he does his own. He says he just likes to help. And now we have so much snow and so much drifting, that the driveway was a ness. So another neighbor brought his tractor and front end loader over and moved snow. I was surprised, and decided to make cookies for everyone. A few broke, and I ate some pieces. Now I feel crappy. I think sugar has become poison for me. It might be psychosomatic, but we're going with this. I can no longer handle sugar. And I can't have it ever again!
That's the news from snow country, where the temperature is dropping to scary lows for the next few days...
Love and hugs and such little sister,
Clare
Too much sadness
Clare,
I used the puzzle quote twice today….
thanks, it came in handy.
I saw some desperately sad people today. I don't know how to make them better.
I tell them that their happiness comes from within first…
letting go of the past traumas…
and then from connections with others.
One of the clients I wish I could take home…
a 15 year old kid who's lived in foster care for more than half of his life.
He is so smart and caring…
and his family of origin just cannot touch him…
they're too broken to offer him connection.
He told me that he doesn't know who to talk to…
to connect with…
he told me that I only see him every two weeks so that's not helpful when he really needs it.
I've asked him to reach out to one person…
test the waters with little things…
build trust…
foster the connection.
I hope he makes it.
I pray that he makes it.
I have a 61 year old woman who wants to know why she lives under a black cloud…
everything turns out badly for her.
She clings to every bad experience that she's ever had…
she wears them like a coat of many colors…
she is aggressive with everyone she meets…
And yet she doesn't see the need to let go of the garbage….
once she opens herself to let go the good will have space to enter…
the problem is that she has been hurt so many times she doesn't trust goodness.
Do any of us trust goodness?
Or are we just lucky when something good happens?
Are we worthy of sharing in the abundance?
I've asked her to start each day with gratitude…
maybe that will help shift her perspective a little.
It's been a long day.
Many people asking for answers that I just don't have.
I need a bath.
Good night beautiful sister.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I used the puzzle quote twice today….
thanks, it came in handy.
I saw some desperately sad people today. I don't know how to make them better.
I tell them that their happiness comes from within first…
letting go of the past traumas…
and then from connections with others.
One of the clients I wish I could take home…
a 15 year old kid who's lived in foster care for more than half of his life.
He is so smart and caring…
and his family of origin just cannot touch him…
they're too broken to offer him connection.
He told me that he doesn't know who to talk to…
to connect with…
he told me that I only see him every two weeks so that's not helpful when he really needs it.
I've asked him to reach out to one person…
test the waters with little things…
build trust…
foster the connection.
I hope he makes it.
I pray that he makes it.
I have a 61 year old woman who wants to know why she lives under a black cloud…
everything turns out badly for her.
She clings to every bad experience that she's ever had…
she wears them like a coat of many colors…
she is aggressive with everyone she meets…
And yet she doesn't see the need to let go of the garbage….
once she opens herself to let go the good will have space to enter…
the problem is that she has been hurt so many times she doesn't trust goodness.
Do any of us trust goodness?
Or are we just lucky when something good happens?
Are we worthy of sharing in the abundance?
I've asked her to start each day with gratitude…
maybe that will help shift her perspective a little.
It's been a long day.
Many people asking for answers that I just don't have.
I need a bath.
Good night beautiful sister.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I'll be back
Clare,
I am trying to get used to this new work schedule and responsibility. I apologize that I have been less present here over the past several weeks. I have to find a time to blog and dedicate myself to it regularly.
I will answer your post later today. I am off and running right now. I'll be back...
TTYL
Maggie
I am trying to get used to this new work schedule and responsibility. I apologize that I have been less present here over the past several weeks. I have to find a time to blog and dedicate myself to it regularly.
I will answer your post later today. I am off and running right now. I'll be back...
TTYL
Maggie
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
someone else's puzzle
Hello Maggie, dear,
I saw the coolest quote today!
"Everyone carries with them at least one piece to someone else's puzzle."
So wrote Lawrence Kushner in his book, *Honey from the Rock.*
Reading it made me feel connected, or at least like I should be connected. It opened my mind and made me feel important - someone needs me. It made me feel opened - there's someone who needs to tell me something.
Then, somehow, I felt there was synchronicity in what you wrote. We have the insight to share with each other. Maybe I'm pushing too hard.
Unmet needs are, for me, the need for Mom to notice me when I was 3. The need to be breastfed for more than 6 weeks. There are holes in my psyche that will never be filled properly. For some, I think we meet those needs by offering what we needed to someone else. I nursed my children for extended periods. That was conscious. I was trying to be different, to be better. Unfortunately the unconscious crap erupted and spoiled what I wanted to create...at least tarnished it.
I know a young woman, she has been mentioned here. She was sexually abused as a young child in two separate ongoing incidences. She has an entirely unmet need to be protected...to be of enough value to her parents and step-parents to be protected and noticed. Some of her life is under control. But other parts are chaotic, because of this unmet need.
How do we fix it?
So, how do we recover?
Your comment about recognizing the other's humanity, reminds of a comment you made a long time ago, here, about circling around issues over and over, but seeing from a different perspective. I think that does help us understand. But the logic wars with the emotional and the emotional is submerged into seclusion.
S#3 knows everyone. She cares about everyone. She mothers our niece's beat friend sometimes. She simply is willing to love anyone who needs her. She told me once that you were the keeper of her secrets. So you are there for her. If I want to know what is going on with the sisters, I ask S#3. She knows! If I want to know about the brothers, I guess I ask Mom!
I have a baby snuggled up next to me. It's time for me to collapse into slumber!
Love and hugs from Clare
I saw the coolest quote today!
"Everyone carries with them at least one piece to someone else's puzzle."
So wrote Lawrence Kushner in his book, *Honey from the Rock.*
Reading it made me feel connected, or at least like I should be connected. It opened my mind and made me feel important - someone needs me. It made me feel opened - there's someone who needs to tell me something.
Then, somehow, I felt there was synchronicity in what you wrote. We have the insight to share with each other. Maybe I'm pushing too hard.
Unmet needs are, for me, the need for Mom to notice me when I was 3. The need to be breastfed for more than 6 weeks. There are holes in my psyche that will never be filled properly. For some, I think we meet those needs by offering what we needed to someone else. I nursed my children for extended periods. That was conscious. I was trying to be different, to be better. Unfortunately the unconscious crap erupted and spoiled what I wanted to create...at least tarnished it.
I know a young woman, she has been mentioned here. She was sexually abused as a young child in two separate ongoing incidences. She has an entirely unmet need to be protected...to be of enough value to her parents and step-parents to be protected and noticed. Some of her life is under control. But other parts are chaotic, because of this unmet need.
How do we fix it?
So, how do we recover?
Your comment about recognizing the other's humanity, reminds of a comment you made a long time ago, here, about circling around issues over and over, but seeing from a different perspective. I think that does help us understand. But the logic wars with the emotional and the emotional is submerged into seclusion.
S#3 knows everyone. She cares about everyone. She mothers our niece's beat friend sometimes. She simply is willing to love anyone who needs her. She told me once that you were the keeper of her secrets. So you are there for her. If I want to know what is going on with the sisters, I ask S#3. She knows! If I want to know about the brothers, I guess I ask Mom!
I have a baby snuggled up next to me. It's time for me to collapse into slumber!
Love and hugs from Clare
More than one right path
Clare,
Will we ever recover? How do we recover?
Those unmet needs are opportunities…
hurtful as they are.
They are opportunities to see another's humanity…
imperfection…
needs…
pain.
I think that recover happens when we recognize the other's humanity.
"They did the best they could, under the circumstances."
I said that to a young, disabled woman last week when she asked me how to forgive her Dad. He abused her physically. He caused traumatic brain injuries multiple times. She desperately wants to the normal. She laughed at me when I said that phrase to her…
"yeah, right…he should've done better".
I told her that that was the key to my forgiveness and healing. If she doesn't want that path, then I'll help her to find another. There is more than one right way to travel these journeys.
I wonder if Mom still has that letter from Aunt T…
I wonder if she'd share it.
It makes me sad to think of S#3 being the most interactive with family and yet the most isolated. I wish she would truly let us in. I see glimpses, mostly when she is desperate for help. When I help her she vows to stay close and then we both get busy with life. I wish she trusted my love.
We all need to trust in love.
We need to trust that we are worthy of love.
We need to find our belonging place.
Then we can really grow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Will we ever recover? How do we recover?
Those unmet needs are opportunities…
hurtful as they are.
They are opportunities to see another's humanity…
imperfection…
needs…
pain.
I think that recover happens when we recognize the other's humanity.
"They did the best they could, under the circumstances."
I said that to a young, disabled woman last week when she asked me how to forgive her Dad. He abused her physically. He caused traumatic brain injuries multiple times. She desperately wants to the normal. She laughed at me when I said that phrase to her…
"yeah, right…he should've done better".
I told her that that was the key to my forgiveness and healing. If she doesn't want that path, then I'll help her to find another. There is more than one right way to travel these journeys.
I wonder if Mom still has that letter from Aunt T…
I wonder if she'd share it.
It makes me sad to think of S#3 being the most interactive with family and yet the most isolated. I wish she would truly let us in. I see glimpses, mostly when she is desperate for help. When I help her she vows to stay close and then we both get busy with life. I wish she trusted my love.
We all need to trust in love.
We need to trust that we are worthy of love.
We need to find our belonging place.
Then we can really grow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, February 9, 2015
unmet needs
Hi Little Sister,
I am looking forward to beach time, also. I am looking forward to having all five sisters together for the first time ever, really - just the five of us alone. I am very curious about what the dynamics will be. You were all so young when I left home, and then we've all matured independently. I think S#3 is the one who has kept in the best touch with everyone. She feels the least connection too, which is interesting.
My youngest had a dream that her oldest brother came home. She started crying and he told her that he was home for good. I hope it was a premonition - a true one.
We got the letter from Aunt T. while I lived in the cabin. So it was in the 1997 - 2007 time frame. I think her words affected me, because it was the first time for me. It was the first time someone who knew they were dying spoke about it. Since then, I have been with several others who knew they were leaving and who spoke openly about it. It was so sensitive, like we could feel everything. It was a gift. And their death was different. A natural, expected relief and transition.
It is a gift.
Anyway I am looking forward to beach time. I am so cold, so February-cold. February always seems to be the longest month of the year. The days are getting longer and lighter, and I want to go outside. But it is so brutally cold out there, that I have to rush in. It is depressing. S#3 and I had a plan - win the lottery and go to a spa in Sedona this month. We failed at Step 1. Oh well, dreaming is fun, too!
I'm feeling kind of blank. I have a month of work and baby, with probably more baby time as her Mama goes through medical procedures. The house is messy and I can't seem to get it straight and make it stay that way. It seems like I have a long stark path ahead...of course, when we feel like this, something unexpected happens. So I'll just have to ride it and see what happens.
S#3 is okay. The abusive boyfriend is gone. Now the healing can begin again - hopefully without any more leaps from the wagon!
I was thinking about what to share...what have I been thinking about...and someone called me. We got into a discussion about unmet needs. There are things we needed as children, and we never received. And it will never be repaired. I thought of a terrible example. When I was just stepping into my separation, I was stepping into a world of pain that caused me to become very self-centered, very engrossed in my own pain. I forgot my oldest child's birthday. She was at S#5's house helping with the step-daughters. And I didn't do anything for her birthday. When she and her friends play "Who had the worst birthday?" - my child always wins.
I apologized. I am embarrassed. I am in pain for what I did, but I can never fix it.
There were things we all needed, and we didn't get - maybe not all, but in my circle, the statement stands. Will we ever recover? How do we recover?
I have a wise friend who often talks about chosen-family. We are the target of so much pain from our family of origin, that we simply break away, and find new family.
Is that an answer?
If I had to choose, I would still choose you. I love you. Thank you for standing with me...
Clare
I am looking forward to beach time, also. I am looking forward to having all five sisters together for the first time ever, really - just the five of us alone. I am very curious about what the dynamics will be. You were all so young when I left home, and then we've all matured independently. I think S#3 is the one who has kept in the best touch with everyone. She feels the least connection too, which is interesting.
My youngest had a dream that her oldest brother came home. She started crying and he told her that he was home for good. I hope it was a premonition - a true one.
We got the letter from Aunt T. while I lived in the cabin. So it was in the 1997 - 2007 time frame. I think her words affected me, because it was the first time for me. It was the first time someone who knew they were dying spoke about it. Since then, I have been with several others who knew they were leaving and who spoke openly about it. It was so sensitive, like we could feel everything. It was a gift. And their death was different. A natural, expected relief and transition.
It is a gift.
Anyway I am looking forward to beach time. I am so cold, so February-cold. February always seems to be the longest month of the year. The days are getting longer and lighter, and I want to go outside. But it is so brutally cold out there, that I have to rush in. It is depressing. S#3 and I had a plan - win the lottery and go to a spa in Sedona this month. We failed at Step 1. Oh well, dreaming is fun, too!
I'm feeling kind of blank. I have a month of work and baby, with probably more baby time as her Mama goes through medical procedures. The house is messy and I can't seem to get it straight and make it stay that way. It seems like I have a long stark path ahead...of course, when we feel like this, something unexpected happens. So I'll just have to ride it and see what happens.
S#3 is okay. The abusive boyfriend is gone. Now the healing can begin again - hopefully without any more leaps from the wagon!
I was thinking about what to share...what have I been thinking about...and someone called me. We got into a discussion about unmet needs. There are things we needed as children, and we never received. And it will never be repaired. I thought of a terrible example. When I was just stepping into my separation, I was stepping into a world of pain that caused me to become very self-centered, very engrossed in my own pain. I forgot my oldest child's birthday. She was at S#5's house helping with the step-daughters. And I didn't do anything for her birthday. When she and her friends play "Who had the worst birthday?" - my child always wins.
I apologized. I am embarrassed. I am in pain for what I did, but I can never fix it.
There were things we all needed, and we didn't get - maybe not all, but in my circle, the statement stands. Will we ever recover? How do we recover?
I have a wise friend who often talks about chosen-family. We are the target of so much pain from our family of origin, that we simply break away, and find new family.
Is that an answer?
If I had to choose, I would still choose you. I love you. Thank you for standing with me...
Clare
friends are connections
Clare,
I cannot remember Aunt T's Christmas card…
you've mentioned it before…
what year was that?
I wonder if I was at college and didn't have a chance (or take the opportunity) to look at it.
Yesterday was a day to reinforce connections.
I was reminded repeatedly of old friends and their importance. In addition to the woman at meeting, I went to the grocery store and, in the back corner by the milk, ran into two old friends. One I used to spend a lot of time with when our girls went to parochial school together. The other woman I met when I was in the hospital having baby #3. She had her fourth the day before and we talked as we walked around the halls. A few years later our sons started playing sports and they were almost always on a team together. We spent so many afternoons together at those games. And then last night a friend mentioned me on social media in a way that reminded us how connected we are- even though we don't see each other the memories are still active was the gist of the post.
It is good. Today my gratitudes were for people in my life- past and present.
We are also having a morning of freezing rain to be followed by snow tonight and tomorrow. We have a snow day and son#1 just woke up and wants to drive 10 miles to his friend's house. It's going to be one of those days.
I texted S#3 last night. Just asking how she is and if she wants to get together. She said she needs the beach time…we all do. I hope she's OK.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I cannot remember Aunt T's Christmas card…
you've mentioned it before…
what year was that?
I wonder if I was at college and didn't have a chance (or take the opportunity) to look at it.
Yesterday was a day to reinforce connections.
I was reminded repeatedly of old friends and their importance. In addition to the woman at meeting, I went to the grocery store and, in the back corner by the milk, ran into two old friends. One I used to spend a lot of time with when our girls went to parochial school together. The other woman I met when I was in the hospital having baby #3. She had her fourth the day before and we talked as we walked around the halls. A few years later our sons started playing sports and they were almost always on a team together. We spent so many afternoons together at those games. And then last night a friend mentioned me on social media in a way that reminded us how connected we are- even though we don't see each other the memories are still active was the gist of the post.
It is good. Today my gratitudes were for people in my life- past and present.
We are also having a morning of freezing rain to be followed by snow tonight and tomorrow. We have a snow day and son#1 just woke up and wants to drive 10 miles to his friend's house. It's going to be one of those days.
I texted S#3 last night. Just asking how she is and if she wants to get together. She said she needs the beach time…we all do. I hope she's OK.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sunday, February 8, 2015
'tis a gift
Hi Maggie!
So nice to see you again..I missed you here!
That thought about being able to say goodbye...it is important. It is a gift. I remember when Grammy died. She just died and was gone. I found out because you called me. I remember being shocked, going numb. I had just talked to her that afternoon . She couldn't be gone...right?
Then I remember the heartfelt Christmas card we got from Aunt. T, who was dying of cancer. She knew it was her last chance to reach out to the family. Her card was so touching, her words were so powerful. She got to spend time with her siblings, with that ultra-awareness that this would be the last time. It is such a gift when you know you need to memorize each moment, the sound of their voice, their laughter...it makes us tender and alive to face death together. It is a gift.
I would recommend Al-Anon. A person I listened to yesterday was facing a similar situation with her son to what you face. Her story mirrored yours. That was part of discussing loving detachment.
So, it is sleeting. We are supposed to get a lot of snow topped by and sandwiched with ice. Another lovely winter day! I am longing for spring. Seed catalogs are my retreat. I am garden dreaming...
I had a family day. It was nice. I interacted with kids and felt needed, wanted, connected. It was nice...
Sometimes we get too bus and we forget to connect.
I love you...I am glad we are connected!
Clare
So nice to see you again..I missed you here!
That thought about being able to say goodbye...it is important. It is a gift. I remember when Grammy died. She just died and was gone. I found out because you called me. I remember being shocked, going numb. I had just talked to her that afternoon . She couldn't be gone...right?
Then I remember the heartfelt Christmas card we got from Aunt. T, who was dying of cancer. She knew it was her last chance to reach out to the family. Her card was so touching, her words were so powerful. She got to spend time with her siblings, with that ultra-awareness that this would be the last time. It is such a gift when you know you need to memorize each moment, the sound of their voice, their laughter...it makes us tender and alive to face death together. It is a gift.
I would recommend Al-Anon. A person I listened to yesterday was facing a similar situation with her son to what you face. Her story mirrored yours. That was part of discussing loving detachment.
So, it is sleeting. We are supposed to get a lot of snow topped by and sandwiched with ice. Another lovely winter day! I am longing for spring. Seed catalogs are my retreat. I am garden dreaming...
I had a family day. It was nice. I interacted with kids and felt needed, wanted, connected. It was nice...
Sometimes we get too bus and we forget to connect.
I love you...I am glad we are connected!
Clare
back again
Clare,
I'm back….
sorry, it's been a hectic week and weekend…
good stuff, but no time for me.
I toy with the idea of Al-ANON…
wondering if it will help me to navigate my way through this time with my sons.
A friend of husband's attends meetings nearby…
he's invited us to come…
one of these days.
I had a great visit with a friend today.
She's living with a progressive lung disease that keeps her tethered to oxygen at all times. we were talking about finding the blessings and lessons in all that life delivers. I hadn't seen her in months, maybe even a year. It was good to see her, looking better than the last time. Each time we were together previously she looked more and more ill. She has been turned down for a lung transplant because of some esophageal complications. One thing she said stopped me for a moment. She told me that she is thankful for this time to say goodbye. She is thankful to be aware of the need to say goodbye and the awareness of how important people are to her. It was so good to hear after a week of talking about social injustice and violence. There is good in people.
We had our Ukranian friend visit this weekend again. She tells me that the current fighting is about 60 miles from her family's home. Her father asked her to not watch TV coverage, he wants her to focus on school. I wonder how threatened they really are feeling. Hold them in the Light please.
That's all for now,
Love and Light my beautiful sister,
Maggie
I'm back….
sorry, it's been a hectic week and weekend…
good stuff, but no time for me.
I toy with the idea of Al-ANON…
wondering if it will help me to navigate my way through this time with my sons.
A friend of husband's attends meetings nearby…
he's invited us to come…
one of these days.
I had a great visit with a friend today.
She's living with a progressive lung disease that keeps her tethered to oxygen at all times. we were talking about finding the blessings and lessons in all that life delivers. I hadn't seen her in months, maybe even a year. It was good to see her, looking better than the last time. Each time we were together previously she looked more and more ill. She has been turned down for a lung transplant because of some esophageal complications. One thing she said stopped me for a moment. She told me that she is thankful for this time to say goodbye. She is thankful to be aware of the need to say goodbye and the awareness of how important people are to her. It was so good to hear after a week of talking about social injustice and violence. There is good in people.
We had our Ukranian friend visit this weekend again. She tells me that the current fighting is about 60 miles from her family's home. Her father asked her to not watch TV coverage, he wants her to focus on school. I wonder how threatened they really are feeling. Hold them in the Light please.
That's all for now,
Love and Light my beautiful sister,
Maggie
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Me too
Hey Maggie,
Hope all is well in your home...
I had a different kind of day. A close friend has started attending Al-Anon meetings as a way of understanding some of the choices she has made. So we went to an Al-Anon meeting with her - as support, we had a lunch break, then went to what was called a double winners meeting...those attending identify both as alcoholic and codependent.
And coincidentally, both sessions focused on the same thing. In the first group, we talked about loving detachment. In the second we read about, then discussed turning our lives over to a higher power.
There is such a relief when you stop trying to control everything. You relax, let go and just see what happens.
For me it was reassurance that the work I have been doing in trusting life, in getting into the green chakra and understanding that what needs to happen will happen, no matter how hard I fight....it is all valid. It is important for my growth as a human.
More than anything, though, I got a big dose of Me, too! I am reminded that many families are in pain. So many of us are trying to fix things, to make it work out the way we just know it should.
The friend I accompanied and I then spent a few hours talking. We had time to go deep into our experiences and talk about what they meant, what we learned...I need more of that connection in my life. And we need each other. This friend was feeling bad about the lack of continuity in her life, about short term relationships. I stopped and pointed out that we have been friends for 11 years. I am something long-term and continuous in her life. I think it was good for both of us...
So now big explosions of Aha!! But a nice reassuring dose of Me too!
I love you...missing you...
Clare
Hope all is well in your home...
I had a different kind of day. A close friend has started attending Al-Anon meetings as a way of understanding some of the choices she has made. So we went to an Al-Anon meeting with her - as support, we had a lunch break, then went to what was called a double winners meeting...those attending identify both as alcoholic and codependent.
And coincidentally, both sessions focused on the same thing. In the first group, we talked about loving detachment. In the second we read about, then discussed turning our lives over to a higher power.
There is such a relief when you stop trying to control everything. You relax, let go and just see what happens.
For me it was reassurance that the work I have been doing in trusting life, in getting into the green chakra and understanding that what needs to happen will happen, no matter how hard I fight....it is all valid. It is important for my growth as a human.
More than anything, though, I got a big dose of Me, too! I am reminded that many families are in pain. So many of us are trying to fix things, to make it work out the way we just know it should.
The friend I accompanied and I then spent a few hours talking. We had time to go deep into our experiences and talk about what they meant, what we learned...I need more of that connection in my life. And we need each other. This friend was feeling bad about the lack of continuity in her life, about short term relationships. I stopped and pointed out that we have been friends for 11 years. I am something long-term and continuous in her life. I think it was good for both of us...
So now big explosions of Aha!! But a nice reassuring dose of Me too!
I love you...missing you...
Clare
Thursday, February 5, 2015
genocide
Hi Maggie,
Glad to hear you're more rested.
I'm not. My youngest dislocated her kneecap, and has been seeing the doctor, and so I have had the baby more than expected. I am falling behind on my Quakerly responsibilities - my committee work. And my house is a wreck. And I'm tired. But I love my time with this little girl, and so - this will pass...
I have been reading lots of statistics about vets and suicides, and thinking about some of the hidden costs of wars...
Then when I read what the man said during your talk, about women staying in abusive relationships for financial gain. I felt again, and felt more viscerally we are part of an ongoing war against women.
I have read that our slow, steady attack against the Indians, the First People here, is truly the most massive genocide ever. But in reviewing the statistics about murdered and disappeared females through time and around the globe - I wonder if this genocide, the systematic removal of women, is even larger...
And I also go to my thoughts about the caste system, in which we live. If god loves you, you have money. If god does not love you, if you are less worthy, you do not have money. Consider that women make $ .75 for every $1.00 a man in the same position, with the same education makes - god doesn't love us as much. Consider that typically, after divorce, the standard of living for the man goes up.. The standard of living for the woman and children falls.
And so they have to dismiss us as money hungry bitches. They have to use shame to keep us in our place.
If they didn't need breeders, they might be tempted to rid the planet of all of us. Sometimes I wonder if that is where infertility research is heading.
Yeah, I'm tired and on a roll!
I loveyou,,,hope you sleep well...
Clare
Glad to hear you're more rested.
I'm not. My youngest dislocated her kneecap, and has been seeing the doctor, and so I have had the baby more than expected. I am falling behind on my Quakerly responsibilities - my committee work. And my house is a wreck. And I'm tired. But I love my time with this little girl, and so - this will pass...
I have been reading lots of statistics about vets and suicides, and thinking about some of the hidden costs of wars...
Then when I read what the man said during your talk, about women staying in abusive relationships for financial gain. I felt again, and felt more viscerally we are part of an ongoing war against women.
I have read that our slow, steady attack against the Indians, the First People here, is truly the most massive genocide ever. But in reviewing the statistics about murdered and disappeared females through time and around the globe - I wonder if this genocide, the systematic removal of women, is even larger...
And I also go to my thoughts about the caste system, in which we live. If god loves you, you have money. If god does not love you, if you are less worthy, you do not have money. Consider that women make $ .75 for every $1.00 a man in the same position, with the same education makes - god doesn't love us as much. Consider that typically, after divorce, the standard of living for the man goes up.. The standard of living for the woman and children falls.
And so they have to dismiss us as money hungry bitches. They have to use shame to keep us in our place.
If they didn't need breeders, they might be tempted to rid the planet of all of us. Sometimes I wonder if that is where infertility research is heading.
Yeah, I'm tired and on a roll!
I loveyou,,,hope you sleep well...
Clare
Sleep
Clare,
I've had a decent night's sleep so maybe my brain will be more fluid this morning.
I picked my older son up last evening, on my way home. We had an opportunity to talk about this past weekend. Mostly me sharing my imagined scenarios of him being hurt…
I explained that this is what my brain does…
It creates catastrophes from almost nothing.
I explained that this is a common issue with people who've been hurt as children…
they imagine the worst case scenario and then prepare for that.
We've talked about this before.
This weekend, when he disappeared…
went to friends and wouldn't respond to calls or texts…
I explained that I just wanted to hear his voice…
to know he was all right…
safe…
to ease my mind.
I think he understands.
I wish I could control my imagination…
but if I did it would not be creative in it's ramblings and constructs.
My dog had a bad seizure last night. I was up with her for a while. I hate that she has these, but the only way they'll stop is to 'gork' her with meds…
or after she dies…
neither is a good choice…
so I'll sit with her during them and clean her up afterwards.
More snow is on the way this weekend.
I am enjoying the beauty…
I enjoy the peace that comes with snow…
activities shut down…
things get quieter…
life takes a breath.
I hope that you are getting some peaceful rest.
Blessings beautiful sister,
Maggie
I've had a decent night's sleep so maybe my brain will be more fluid this morning.
I picked my older son up last evening, on my way home. We had an opportunity to talk about this past weekend. Mostly me sharing my imagined scenarios of him being hurt…
I explained that this is what my brain does…
It creates catastrophes from almost nothing.
I explained that this is a common issue with people who've been hurt as children…
they imagine the worst case scenario and then prepare for that.
We've talked about this before.
This weekend, when he disappeared…
went to friends and wouldn't respond to calls or texts…
I explained that I just wanted to hear his voice…
to know he was all right…
safe…
to ease my mind.
I think he understands.
I wish I could control my imagination…
but if I did it would not be creative in it's ramblings and constructs.
My dog had a bad seizure last night. I was up with her for a while. I hate that she has these, but the only way they'll stop is to 'gork' her with meds…
or after she dies…
neither is a good choice…
so I'll sit with her during them and clean her up afterwards.
More snow is on the way this weekend.
I am enjoying the beauty…
I enjoy the peace that comes with snow…
activities shut down…
things get quieter…
life takes a breath.
I hope that you are getting some peaceful rest.
Blessings beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
eventually
Clare,
I was on stage last evening…
reading the Vagina Monologues…
it was fun…
it is heartbreaking that it is still necessary.
It is about reclaiming all of ourselves…
private parts and all.
I was so proud to be a part of it.
During the talk back following the readings I spoke of violation, exploitation, disrespect, and societal garbage- like legislators questioning "legitimate rape"…
my daughter's friends said later, "We felt you when you started to speak."
That made me feel great.
Today I gave 2 talks…
the first on climate change and social injustices involved
and the second was on domestic violence.
I once again had the opportunity to speak about violations, exploitation, disrespect, and societal garbage- like women are greedy, they stay to get a big divorce settlement. One of the men in attendance actually said that. I had to carefully compose my answer to that statement. It took a lot of self-control to tell him he was full of stereotypical hatred…
It was actually a very good day.
I love simplicity too…
but it is a challenge for me. I don't think my life is simple…
that testimony challenges me to change…
calls for big choices…
I will get to it…
eventually.
I am exhausted. I worked 10 hours and drove for 2…I need a hot bath and bed.
I just wanted to check in…
read your wisdom and insights…
Thanks for sharing them with me.
Love and Light my beautiful sister,
Maggie
I was on stage last evening…
reading the Vagina Monologues…
it was fun…
it is heartbreaking that it is still necessary.
It is about reclaiming all of ourselves…
private parts and all.
I was so proud to be a part of it.
During the talk back following the readings I spoke of violation, exploitation, disrespect, and societal garbage- like legislators questioning "legitimate rape"…
my daughter's friends said later, "We felt you when you started to speak."
That made me feel great.
Today I gave 2 talks…
the first on climate change and social injustices involved
and the second was on domestic violence.
I once again had the opportunity to speak about violations, exploitation, disrespect, and societal garbage- like women are greedy, they stay to get a big divorce settlement. One of the men in attendance actually said that. I had to carefully compose my answer to that statement. It took a lot of self-control to tell him he was full of stereotypical hatred…
It was actually a very good day.
I love simplicity too…
but it is a challenge for me. I don't think my life is simple…
that testimony challenges me to change…
calls for big choices…
I will get to it…
eventually.
I am exhausted. I worked 10 hours and drove for 2…I need a hot bath and bed.
I just wanted to check in…
read your wisdom and insights…
Thanks for sharing them with me.
Love and Light my beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
random thoughts
I do believe my sister is on stage tonight. Perhaps her first stage appearance since Oklahoma in high school...I'm not sure. I suppose I'll have to wait until tomorrow for details.
Hey Maggie,
How are you today?
I thought of another blessing of simplicity. If we do not overschedule our lives, we are available for each other. The best communications come when we are just together. Trying to schedule time, to force togetherness - never as successful.
I watched the two TED talks you recommended yesterday.Then because I was there, I watched the talk on Everyday Sexism. It was powerful. I had many such experiences, apparently being nothing more than a set of boobs to many strangers for many years. The croning sag rendered me invisible. That is both a relief and a heartbreak.
A few things have really stayed with me. The first was the video about the power of language. I have often remarked that there is a power in language we don't recognize. I try to be aware of my language. But when the speaker talked about racism being a problem for people of color, and sexism being a problem for women...And then he showed how the passive use of language camouflages the person who really has the problem - my eyes flew open...literally and figuratively. I really appreciated the message.
In one of the talks, the speaker said,"This is not a battle between the sexes." I got lost in thoughts of duality. The lesson of our times seems to be about duality - I've tried to understand this before. We are taught to recognize good and bad, light and dark - to divide everything into opposites. We see ourselves as male and female. But we are all humans. We need each other. We complement each other. This forced duality is really to maintain the power structure. If we are all one, we can't be divided and conquered...
So, last night I was trying to enter the forest, when I fell asleep. I dreamed I was a beech tree. I was standing strong with my arms up and out, in a position of praise. I felt my branches spread, to reach for the heavens. Then I had the mirror image of my roots doing the same, of reaching down and in to the Earth. The trunk was a connection, a flow, between heaven and earth. It was beautiful. Then I noticed my roots, and there was someone hibernating in a womb-like curve of the roots. I joined them, then wondered - What part of myself is hibernating? The answer that came, unbidden and unwelcome was - my sexuality.
It got a little cold, and so I woke and went to put a piece of firewood in the woodstove. I grogged back to bed and notices my bedroom in the shadows and thought, "This room is really square." I guess being round like a tree really impacted me!
Then I was up at 5:00 for work. My office window faces west, and I saw the full moon glowing, lighting up the snow...we got a comforter of new snow. I thought of a blanket of snow, but what we have is thicker and comfier. It is a comforter of snow.
So my day was off to a gorgeous start!
I certainly hope you are having fun...
Love and hugs from Clare
Hey Maggie,
How are you today?
I thought of another blessing of simplicity. If we do not overschedule our lives, we are available for each other. The best communications come when we are just together. Trying to schedule time, to force togetherness - never as successful.
I watched the two TED talks you recommended yesterday.Then because I was there, I watched the talk on Everyday Sexism. It was powerful. I had many such experiences, apparently being nothing more than a set of boobs to many strangers for many years. The croning sag rendered me invisible. That is both a relief and a heartbreak.
A few things have really stayed with me. The first was the video about the power of language. I have often remarked that there is a power in language we don't recognize. I try to be aware of my language. But when the speaker talked about racism being a problem for people of color, and sexism being a problem for women...And then he showed how the passive use of language camouflages the person who really has the problem - my eyes flew open...literally and figuratively. I really appreciated the message.
In one of the talks, the speaker said,"This is not a battle between the sexes." I got lost in thoughts of duality. The lesson of our times seems to be about duality - I've tried to understand this before. We are taught to recognize good and bad, light and dark - to divide everything into opposites. We see ourselves as male and female. But we are all humans. We need each other. We complement each other. This forced duality is really to maintain the power structure. If we are all one, we can't be divided and conquered...
So, last night I was trying to enter the forest, when I fell asleep. I dreamed I was a beech tree. I was standing strong with my arms up and out, in a position of praise. I felt my branches spread, to reach for the heavens. Then I had the mirror image of my roots doing the same, of reaching down and in to the Earth. The trunk was a connection, a flow, between heaven and earth. It was beautiful. Then I noticed my roots, and there was someone hibernating in a womb-like curve of the roots. I joined them, then wondered - What part of myself is hibernating? The answer that came, unbidden and unwelcome was - my sexuality.
It got a little cold, and so I woke and went to put a piece of firewood in the woodstove. I grogged back to bed and notices my bedroom in the shadows and thought, "This room is really square." I guess being round like a tree really impacted me!
Then I was up at 5:00 for work. My office window faces west, and I saw the full moon glowing, lighting up the snow...we got a comforter of new snow. I thought of a blanket of snow, but what we have is thicker and comfier. It is a comforter of snow.
So my day was off to a gorgeous start!
I certainly hope you are having fun...
Love and hugs from Clare
Monday, February 2, 2015
simplicity
Hi Maggie,
We got the snow here. I think we have about 10 inches. But now the wind is blowing and there is snow everywhere. The nice thing about working at home is that this doesn't change anything for me. Well, my youngest is snowed in, and has been repeatedly plowed in, so she can't get out and go to work. So no baby today. That will be so good for the baby. She has been missing Mama so much. They gave her ten days in a row...that was stressful for the babe.
Did you get to see your healer?
I enjoyed reading about your favorite testimony. In thinking about them, it seems they all connect. In some way, they are all one...
But my favorite testimony has always been simplicity. Simplicity is taking only what you need, which respects all else. It respects the Earth and her resources. It respects the other mammals, and critters we share home with. It respects other people.
If we live simply, then we know, we see, we feel the truth...there is enough. There is enough for everyone to have what they need to survive and thrive, to live with dignity and security.
If we live simply, our lives are directed by peaceful community. We are not rushed, harried or bullied.
Gandhi said, and this is my favorite bumper sticker: Live simply, so others may simply live.
For me, living simply means thinking carefully about what we want versus what we need.
And since all wars are, essentially, wars for resources, simplicity is a way to peace. We relax, we have faith, we know there is enough for all. We would not be here if there was not a place for us.
Simplicity is emotionally and psychologically stable, too.
I feel our modern culture forces us forego simplicity in order to survive. I struggle with this...
How would you like to address the testimony that you struggle most with...
Looking forward to your response!
Love and hugs from Clare
We got the snow here. I think we have about 10 inches. But now the wind is blowing and there is snow everywhere. The nice thing about working at home is that this doesn't change anything for me. Well, my youngest is snowed in, and has been repeatedly plowed in, so she can't get out and go to work. So no baby today. That will be so good for the baby. She has been missing Mama so much. They gave her ten days in a row...that was stressful for the babe.
Did you get to see your healer?
I enjoyed reading about your favorite testimony. In thinking about them, it seems they all connect. In some way, they are all one...
But my favorite testimony has always been simplicity. Simplicity is taking only what you need, which respects all else. It respects the Earth and her resources. It respects the other mammals, and critters we share home with. It respects other people.
If we live simply, then we know, we see, we feel the truth...there is enough. There is enough for everyone to have what they need to survive and thrive, to live with dignity and security.
If we live simply, our lives are directed by peaceful community. We are not rushed, harried or bullied.
Gandhi said, and this is my favorite bumper sticker: Live simply, so others may simply live.
For me, living simply means thinking carefully about what we want versus what we need.
And since all wars are, essentially, wars for resources, simplicity is a way to peace. We relax, we have faith, we know there is enough for all. We would not be here if there was not a place for us.
Simplicity is emotionally and psychologically stable, too.
I feel our modern culture forces us forego simplicity in order to survive. I struggle with this...
How would you like to address the testimony that you struggle most with...
Looking forward to your response!
Love and hugs from Clare
Equality
Clare,
What a morning…
we are in a band of freezing rain right now…
on top of about 2 inches of snow…
not the 8 to 12 they've predicted.
My phone is going off consistently with group messages from both of my jobs about canceling or delaying…
it's not a peaceful snow day.
Luckily, my only real commitment today is an appointment with my healer…
I will try to make it but know that I can cancel without any issues.
My favorite SPICES is Equality.
I think that if we truly live in equality the rest will follow.
If we believe that we are on this earth to live interdependently with all of the other humans and species then we will live in peace and trust the abundance of the earth. We will love and trust the intentions of the other beings. We will live and trust ourselves. Equality is recognizing that of God in every being and in all of creation. Equality is respect, honoring the dignity of others.
I don't think that equality means that every being has to have equal shares of everything. Remember mom cutting a gallon of ice cream into 12 squares? Everyone had to have and equal share to avoid fighting. But there was always that one, extra square.
Do you remember when she would go to the commissary and bring back Cracker Jacks as a treat for each of us? But, B#2's allergy wouldn't allow him to eat those- so he got Fiddle Faddle…
jealousy!!!…
why is he special?
Why does he get something different?
I realize that this is my little girl's brain's recollections…but it is a simplified view of our world. Why do the poor people, lazy as they are, get welfare when we have to work to support them? Why are they special? Why do huge corporations get corporate welfare, "tax incentives" when we work hard for them? It's the comparison that gets to us.
The answer to comparison is connection.
If we can see the true need…
we generously share what we have.
Another cog in the wheel is that we have been taught from a place of fear. Belief in scarcity, we don't trust abundance. Hoarding and greed stem from this. If there's not going to be enough for everyone I'd better hide some so that my future will be safer. I love the stories from the Nazi camps where prisoners shared what they had. I believe it was in Viktor Frankl's book that he shared stories about sharing and supporting others in the bleakest of times.
Trust is challenging.
Trust undermines all that we've been taught.
Trust undermines those 10 Commandments…
A trusting God doesn't have to command our presence at worship or devotion solely to him…
those would naturally stem from the love and appreciation of its creations.
"Praise precedes faith"…
not sure who said that, but I remember reading it in a Matthew Fox book.
Trusting men wouldn't have to place protections on their stuff…
including their women…
protections that, if broken, earn you eternal damnation…
or at least a long time in purgatory.
The garbage we were fed as children permeates our thoughts and our behaviors.
Equality helps me to break free of that trap.
Equality helps me to know that the Creator loves me and wants relationship with me.
Equality helps me to trust in the abundance.
And yet, I struggle everyday…
so life goes on.
I am sorry about your friend's death. I hope that you are finding some comfort in the memories of shared times together. I am holding you int he Light.
I look forward to hearing about your favorite testimony.
Love and Light my beautiful sister,
Maggie
I found these and thought you might like to see it…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTvSfeCRxe8
Violence against women- it's a men's issue
https://www.youtube.com/watch?x-yt-cl=85114404&x-yt-ts=1422579428&v=H7Gn2a0GnAc
The slut, the spinster and the perfect woman
What a morning…
we are in a band of freezing rain right now…
on top of about 2 inches of snow…
not the 8 to 12 they've predicted.
My phone is going off consistently with group messages from both of my jobs about canceling or delaying…
it's not a peaceful snow day.
Luckily, my only real commitment today is an appointment with my healer…
I will try to make it but know that I can cancel without any issues.
My favorite SPICES is Equality.
I think that if we truly live in equality the rest will follow.
If we believe that we are on this earth to live interdependently with all of the other humans and species then we will live in peace and trust the abundance of the earth. We will love and trust the intentions of the other beings. We will live and trust ourselves. Equality is recognizing that of God in every being and in all of creation. Equality is respect, honoring the dignity of others.
I don't think that equality means that every being has to have equal shares of everything. Remember mom cutting a gallon of ice cream into 12 squares? Everyone had to have and equal share to avoid fighting. But there was always that one, extra square.
Do you remember when she would go to the commissary and bring back Cracker Jacks as a treat for each of us? But, B#2's allergy wouldn't allow him to eat those- so he got Fiddle Faddle…
jealousy!!!…
why is he special?
Why does he get something different?
I realize that this is my little girl's brain's recollections…but it is a simplified view of our world. Why do the poor people, lazy as they are, get welfare when we have to work to support them? Why are they special? Why do huge corporations get corporate welfare, "tax incentives" when we work hard for them? It's the comparison that gets to us.
The answer to comparison is connection.
If we can see the true need…
we generously share what we have.
Another cog in the wheel is that we have been taught from a place of fear. Belief in scarcity, we don't trust abundance. Hoarding and greed stem from this. If there's not going to be enough for everyone I'd better hide some so that my future will be safer. I love the stories from the Nazi camps where prisoners shared what they had. I believe it was in Viktor Frankl's book that he shared stories about sharing and supporting others in the bleakest of times.
Trust is challenging.
Trust undermines all that we've been taught.
Trust undermines those 10 Commandments…
A trusting God doesn't have to command our presence at worship or devotion solely to him…
those would naturally stem from the love and appreciation of its creations.
"Praise precedes faith"…
not sure who said that, but I remember reading it in a Matthew Fox book.
Trusting men wouldn't have to place protections on their stuff…
including their women…
protections that, if broken, earn you eternal damnation…
or at least a long time in purgatory.
The garbage we were fed as children permeates our thoughts and our behaviors.
Equality helps me to break free of that trap.
Equality helps me to know that the Creator loves me and wants relationship with me.
Equality helps me to trust in the abundance.
And yet, I struggle everyday…
so life goes on.
I am sorry about your friend's death. I hope that you are finding some comfort in the memories of shared times together. I am holding you int he Light.
I look forward to hearing about your favorite testimony.
Love and Light my beautiful sister,
Maggie
I found these and thought you might like to see it…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTvSfeCRxe8
Violence against women- it's a men's issue
https://www.youtube.com/watch?x-yt-cl=85114404&x-yt-ts=1422579428&v=H7Gn2a0GnAc
The slut, the spinster and the perfect woman
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