I don't drink

I remember, when going through my Al-Anon phase of healing, that I read that there aren't bad kids.  It's more that one kid is acting out the problems with the whole family.  It is amazing that you are learning that and taking it all in.  I think you were led to a really great program.

Does your son seem to have hit bottom yet?  You said he may have glimmers of the pain he has caused his brothers.

And I'm glad your youngest has found a school he likes.  I am so impressed that he knows what he needs and is not afraid to go for it.

I have a similar reaction to family get-togethers - Do I have to go?  I don't drink, though.  Perhaps I am afraid to let down my guard.  I just stay quiet, stay near the edges, observe, wait for my chance to make a break.  I guess I am kind of fascinated by these people who look like me, who I remember, sort of, from my childhood, but who are strangers.  Except for you and S#3, my sibs are strangers.

I was thinking about Mom and Dad's Fiftieth Wedding Anniversary party, when we were commanded to make an appearance.  I had a tough day, culminating in hitting two deer just as I got on the  road.  I totaled my car, and had to call and tell everyone I could not come.  I had pretty mixed feelings. I was partly relieved. I was partly sad. I realized I wanted to come a little more than I suspected.  I have very mixed feelings about family.

After I missed the anniversary party, I had two people offer to help...one would have lent me their car, the other would have driven.  But no one said anything until it was too late.

Tomorrow I leave. I probably won't check in here again until sometime next week.  I am tired, not quite packed, but I can't wait to see the kids. 

I mentioned that my youngest's closest friend returned to an abusive boyfriend.  Tonight she ended up in the ER.  I think she's okay.  She wanted to talk to my daughter, which is good.  When she is with the abuser, she cuts all of us out of her life completely.  It's like she is creating the perfect setting for the abuse to occur.

Going to go pack.  Love you so much.  I'll be back in a few days.

Clare