Gaining insights

Clare,

There is a sense of allowing myself to miss my son as well. There are moments when I allow myself to think about him, his laugh or his "what's up Mamma?" (he's the only one who calls me Mamma)- and then I miss him terribly. Most of the time I've been channeling that energy into letters to him. I write to him almost daily even though he only gets the letters on Tuesdays- at least he has a bunch of them from me.

I've been able to gain some insight into our family dynamic through those letters. My fear that he will end up like some of our family members- abusive and/or addictive made me afraid to let him grow and explore. As he experimented I tightened my grip and he pushed back harder. And then I would just tighten my grip again- strangulating the vitality right out of him. I am so thankful that this program requires parental introspection and counseling as well. I have learned so much about my deeply held fears of how others would perceive me if my kids were drug abusers, or hurt others in order to get ahead in life…
both of those are valid…
but may or may not have been applicable to my kids…
or been my expectation if it weren't for our history.
I imposed or projected those onto them.
None of this is to say that we should have just let them live without rules or consequences…
but they needed to be fair, consistent, and based upon the present reality…
not my pent up neurotic fears.

I think I am going to visit Mom and Dad next weekend to try to talk with them about some of this. I've realized that my kids (especially the one in the desert) is following the example that I set for them…
if family is a pain-in-the-ass it's OK to ignore or avoid them. I've written about this to my son as well. I think maintaining healthy boundaries is important…
but, whenever there is a family gathering scheduled, the first thing I do is try to find a reason to not go.
I hate getting together…
I drink more alcohol when I am with family than at any other time in my life…

That being said…
I need to stop voicing those negative opinions and look at the opportunity that is there.
I have to change my thoughts and initial reaction and then it will be easier to go and enjoy myself.

The visit to the second school went well, but my son did not like it. It's very interesting- he says he is motivated by monetary success in life- he wants to be wealthy. We talk all of the time about happiness and fulfillment being more important, but at 15 the money interests him. So, he was convinced he would dislike the Mennonite school and "belong" at the prep school…
well he really liked the Mennonite school…
and dislike the prep school.
He felt they were "judgmental and subtly demeaning"…
Those were his words.
There is hope for this child, he can the difference between a genuine, caring welcome and being evaluated. So, now we wait to hear from the Mennonite school, if they accept him he will start in 2 weeks. Luckily we have so many "dorm room" necessities in the closets from the girls we should be in great shape to move him in.

I hope that you have a wonderful day today.
Love and Light,
Maggie