Clare arrives…finally

Hey Sister,

It is obvious that I am a reactionary on every level.  I really don't want a cell phone, although I  can see the advantage at times.  But so far, the disadvantages are so much more serious.  And now I can't get into this site.

I am here.  I have missed this family so much.  I am so happy to have time with them.

I am here.  I have missed you so much, and am glad I managed to get into my email - finally.

The trip out was thought provoking.  I'll spill a little each day.  The first day I had a two hour layover in a well-known city.  I was confused about my gate, and asked.  Then I heard another woman ask about the same bus.  I smiled and told her we would be on the same trip.  She is a truck driver, heading to Little Rock for further training.  We talked about life, and it turned out she was also an army brat.  We both lived on the same base - Fort Leonard Wood in Missouri - as children.  I was 3 years old when we lived there.  I told her I had vague memories of the quarters.  I described the little I had, and she filled in details.  Suddenly the kitchen was clear, the living room, the outside, and especially the upstairs, which I had really blocked.  I remembered my room, being alone, being petrified.  All of those childhood feelings came spilling through me.  I was amazed at how real, how present those childhood pains were/are...maybe will be.

Seemed like quite a start to the trip.

I have been reading a bit about Robin William's death - but just a bit.  It seems important to respect him and his family, and I have been avoiding the drama articles.

But what hit me hard, in thinking about it, in remembering my suicidal moments when I felt like I didn't matter, I was nothing, no one would notice if I was gone, or in fact the world might be better without me, I remembered the psychological pain.  Then for some reason I started thinking about physical pain and pulling the plug when a person can't take any more pain.  It is seen as a gesture of grace and loving.  I guess it seems that since we can't see psychological pain, we can ignore it and tell people to Buck up, be strong...I have also been thinking about spiritual pain - because we are all three.

So, by my calculations, you may be without children for a while.  Is this true?  If the youngest is leaving for boarding school, the two oldest are back to college, and the oldest son is still in Arizona - it's just you and your husband...enjoy the quiet.  It can be deafening.

I love you...I missed you here...

Clare