Healing

Clare,

Home, to me, is where my kids are. I feel as if, after living here for 16 years, that we are home. I love this house and my animals and my stuff. I am settled here I think. I do have to say though that when I first went to Bald Head I wanted that to be my home…maybe that's my next home.

I don't think the excess weight is about feeling home-less. I think Caroline Myss said it best- it's an insulation from all of the emotions around you. You are a nurturer/caregiver who needs to protect yourself from others' energy….so you insulate yourself. If I didn't have bulimic traits I would probably be over weight as well.

My youngest really liked the first school. He is preparing for Tuesday's visit. I am looking forward to our adventure together. We are having dinner with S#4 tomorrow evening, but staying at a hotel near the school so we aren't late for the test…entrance exam. I am looking forward to seeing her and her husband, I'm not sure if the girls will be along.

I dread the drive though. I have a lot of pectoral muscle spasm when I drive. My healing is going pretty well. I was describing it to a friend today. Every week I go in and have fluid put into my expanders which puts me into spasm. They generally put 50 cc into each side, but I haven't been able to tolerate more than 25 cc since the first week. My chest muscles go into spasm and it feels as if my chest is in a vice (kind of like a perpetual mammogram squeezing) for several days. If I get a chill- I go into spasm. I went into spasm today scooping ice cream- my punishment for eating ice cream. I have 225cc in each side so far and the goal is 450 cc in each…so I am getting there slowly. This past week I started yoga- modified movements with my arms- and I have much less spasm. I am also taking a week off expansion because of my trip so hopefully I can tolerate more than 25 cc additional fluid.

My chest (lady lumps) feels like I have 2 rocks under my skin- they are rounded on the top- so I have a little cleavage (very little), but they are flat across the front and almost a shelf across the bottom. I find myself massaging my lady lumps in public sometimes if I have a spontaneous spasm- which must look quite interesting to the people around me. The discomfort will be worth it in the end, but there are times that I wonder why reconstruction seemed like a good option.

The Tamoxifen is making me as if I am in terminal PMS- I am craving sugar. I have given in to the craving too, which only feeds the beast. I need to stop it before it gets out of hand.
I definitely ovulated last week though- very painfully. I don't know if it was my ovaries protesting one last time. My reiki healer asked me what I was doing to my body- she said my organs were all confused- when I told her about the Tamoxifen she understood. I just keep telling my body it is to prevent further tumors, and to welcome it.

Mentally I am at a pretty good place. I sat in meeting today looking at a bracelet my oldest gave me just prior to surgery. It has a white bead- with water from the highest point on earth- and a black bead- with water from the lowest place on earth. I realized that cancer wasn't the darkest my life has ever been…even dealing with my son was a much darker episode- but the cycle moves around and I am coming back to the white bead. I have had many insights, particularly around my son's treatment and walking. I am doing well.

I love you, I will check in tomorrow if I can get wifi at the hotel.
Love and Light,
Maggie