We ended up getting almost 9 inches of snow. And lots of cold, cold wind. I am so tired of winter! Tomorrow, though, is supposed to be warm again. I agreed to have my granddaughter with me tomorrow, and then time with my grandson and his daddy on Saturday. Nice. And on Saturday evening, my three friends I try to meet regularly will be here for dinner.
Nice events lining up before me!
You mentioned Joan of Arc and I suddenly started seeing your religious evolution. You went from identifying with dying for the church to leaving the church because you asked too many questions....
I have been thinking about forgiveness. I looked for the etymology of the word forgive. It means to give up, to give away, to give completely with no reservations. A definition that came from this etymology is: to give up desire or power to punish.
Before we went to the island, while we were on the island, I was trying to analyze why I have trapped myself with so little. I know it has to do with feeling unworthy. I have not forgiven myself. I can forgive most others...although I do honestly harbor some resentment towards my ex and our dad. It is lessening. But I stroke and nurture, feed and coddle my resentment towards myself.
I have not wanted to give this up. But now, I am looking at it, trying to shine the light in those dark places where I hate myself. where I berate myself, where I hold grudges against myself. And I am trying to develop compassion for me.
So much of my life has seemed a struggle. And because of it, I have developed compassion. I think I am compassionate, although I am not terribly outwardly gushy and loving. And when I am out of balance I have to struggle to stop and listen, to notice people. But I do feel compassionate and forgiving and understanding.
How do I turn this light of compassion on myself, and feel I am worthy?
I think when your parents can't love you, you have to think there is something bad about you. It is the only thing that makes sense to a child. I am bad, I am not worthy of love. I don't deserve. And so we find ways to punish ourselves to keep the "truth" alive. Because nothing else makes sense.
Now I am trying to release and explain to my self that I agreed to be born into a family that was struggling to release these patterns. We each have a part to play, and garbage to be hit with. I chose it because I am strong and resilient, and because I wanted to understand.
In the shower today, I understood that the hard, painful, blocked times are what made me compassionate. I understand others, because we have walked the same path, at least for a short distance. This mirage, this life - it is powerfully believable!! This experiential learning is wild.
So I am facing the fact that I have been purposefully refusing to give up the desire to punish myself. I am still getting something from it - even though it is blocking so much of my life. I mentioned something about the blocks and your healer friend called me on it with one look. I had to cover my face and laugh at myself. There was an authentic moment, when the mask was raised. But I pulled on my cloak of no-forgiveness-for-me so quickly, I couldn't hold onto myself!!
Thinking, analyzing - because that is what I do...and sending love, because I can!!
Clare
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