scream

I trust you.  You love those boys and you recognize the normal range of the behavior spectrum.  I think I was distressed because I want to protect you.

I don't remember you screaming.  I remember mine screaming...my children would have screaming contests in the backyard.  It was done with joy and enthusiasm, but the neighbors still had to wonder what was going on. Anyone who drove by saw them...I don't remember you sitting and screaming. I remember we used to scream at each other, call names, try to hurt each other.  I remember being vicious sometimes, just to get everyone away from me.

But I remember singing together, too.  Every once in awhile, all nine of us would sit on my big bed and sing together.  I wish we could have had more moments like that.

Instead we had moments like you and S#3 taking all my make up to put on your dolls and me being all  tragic-dramatic.  Mom promised to pay me back, mostly to shut me up, I think...That seems like a typical, normal family interaction, though.

Sitting and screaming.  I wonder if it was sort of a healthy response to an abusive situation - releasing the pain, so you could remain invisible among the crowd?

I remember you standing up to us - the older kids when you felt something was unfair.

I wonder if that is part of the reason you had the sense that you could have saved S#3 from what the boys did to her.

Spent time discussing my marriage and its end with one of my kids.  I thought about my sense of victimhood at that point. I had a very one-sided view.  Suddenly, I had a notion of the feeling he must have had - of having the rug pulled out from under him. My kids have a hard time understanding and accepting his ability to just disappear from their lives.  I was able to tell our child of the apology that happened - sometime in the past year.  And how important it felt for both of us - for continued healing.

Waking up a lot at night.  Dreaming a lot, but I can't remember.  Restless.

Tomorrow, I spend the day at meetinghouse, baking bread, then hosting a contradance.  It's going to be a long day.  Then Sunday, the baby and I will go to my grandson's birthday party. Festive weekend here. I'll try to pop in tomorrow, but may not make it back until Sunday.

Sleep well little sister,

Love from Clare