The dogs were really excited yesterday. There were six robins on the lawn...the number of the heart. My ornithologist friend said that robin's are of the heart, or they stir the heart. He hears them before he sees them, and he can feel it in his heart. Today, my grandson and I were looking out the big window, gazing at the front yard, watching it snow on the robins.
Despair!!!!! It is not spring...
I talked to Mom today. Sometimes she is so on, so astute. Today was not that day. We were talking about S#3's son, and I said I always related to him. She said, "You don't have self-esteem either." So I responded, "I was thinking about our analytical intelligence - that kid could be a physicist..."
But she was off. We talked a little about needing to have self-esteem seeded and nurtured when young. I told her I never felt beautiful. She said I am, but I let myself be drab. Sigh...Then to mend it, she told me I had a beautiful heart, which is what really counts. I know she was not meaning to be hurtful, and God knows I have put my foot in it the exact same way...once it is started, there doesn't seem to be a way out...
It just took me back to my days with my mother-in-law and her you could be so pretty if only speeches...I need to wear makeup, lose weight, do my hair, dress more like her daughter...in a nutshell - just be different!
Is this part of what I have to forgive?
A friend spent several hours with me. We talked a lot about childhood perceptions of wrong or bad, of feeling unloveable, of adoring the parent...We talked about adult logic always being trumped by childhood perception. So interesting that it works like that. Emotion rules in the end, maybe.
I am exhausted! I hope to meet you here tomorrow. I hope you have an uneventful weekend with your sons, your cowarriors!!
Sending love and hugs, and anything else you may need.
Clare
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