Middle of the night healing...

Being ripped out of sleep in the middle of the night - it's never good...But even so, I am grateful.

It's 3:15 am.  I just got off the phone with my son.  Well, someone's battery died and the call ended...either that or I was boring him by talking a little about what is going on with his sister.

You know he fell off the porch and dislocated his shoulder last weekend.  It has led to a hard week, instead of a healing week.  And circumstances allowed me in.  I called, he answered and we really talked.

I hope this is a first step. I remember how I felt when I let someone see what was going on in my private world and still accepted me, and offered me the gift - Me too!  I discovered I was not a monster, just a damaged human in pain.  I had a chance to tell my son how much I love him, no matter what.  I think he heard me, I think he felt it, I think he believes me.

I remember when a friend "intruded" and told me I was going to go to Al-Anon.  It took a few weeks to get up my courage - but I made it.  I had the courage to walk through that door.  I hope this next generation has the same courage...

...because I love them both so much. They want to be loved so much. And they are both carrying so much pain.  And part of that is my fault, is Dad's fault, is Pop's fault, is Bridgie's fault - you know I can continue naming generations for awhile!

One of the meditations I have been doing nightly is to draw my children, then their beloveds, and then their children into a group, connected by orange chakra- community, by blue chakra - communication, and by green chakra - love.  I am opening way to create a connected family, I hope.  After our generation's sister weekend on the beach, and the healing and acceptance that happened there. I know more firmly, more experientially, how much we need each other.  We all have friends who are important, but those who share history and heredity, we "get" each other on a deeper level.

I am tired, but alert.  I am thinking about how amazing each is - my five miracles.  I know we all came together to break this cycle of abuse that has gone on maybe for millennia.  But right now, I am treasuring my oldest son in my heart. He is so funny and easy going, charming and quiet, he wants to help, he stands up for people.  He is amazing.  He has endured so much...It comes to me that perhaps tonight was aided by my request to your healer - to send healing to this son.  Please tell her I honor her and she has my gratitude.

Now I will try to get back to sleep...

Love and hugs in the dark, beneath a clouded moon,

Clare