Poking at forgiveness

Still turning this over and over, and poking at it - this forgiveness thing. I don't know if I can explain this, but I am going to try.

When we are born, we are perfect (well, until the Catholic gets a hold of us and announces that we are covered in sin) and we deserve to be welcome and tended and adored. This is the gift of being human, the promise, maybe.  We get to be adored just because we are.  I mean, I see so many people stop and coo to my grandchildren - just because.  They're cute, they're beautiful, they're here.

It is in our genes to expect that, to expect to be treated like a baby.

When we are neglected, when we are yelled at, called names, not fed, not rocked or cuddled - and even worse - when we are tortured, abused, raped - something inside can only realize that we are not good.  If we were good, we would be loveable.  And so, armed with this knowledge that we are not good - we set out to prove that it's true. We prove that we are not good, and the adults around us were right to treat us badly.

It seems like this could be the basis of so many seemingly bad choices.......


And I have been thinking about something I think S#3 said, although it may have been you.  Someone said that forgiveness was withholding grace from someone else...maybe. I don't have the words quite right.  But what I have been thinking is that I have almost separated out the bad parts of myself, and I am withholding forgiveness from that part of myself.  Feels a little schizophrenic.  It takes a lot of effort to keep part of myself separate, so much so that I can't go forward.  And I'm not really separate, despite the time and effort I waste trying to believe it. 

I will keep thinking about this.  I know it is important. And I will do my analysis until I hit "aha!"


I got to tell my granddaughter about singing to the dolphin today. She was enamored. We looked up the island on line and she was thrilled and asked a lot of questions. It was fun to have just her.


I had another strand of thoughts, actually while we were away. It came to me that B#2, B#4, S#3 and I all have rather unstable lives.  We don't have enduring relationships and/or homes.  B#1, B#3, S#5 and you all have more stability.  I can't decide about S#4... I wondered why.  Was there something different for us, or do we simply have different temperments?

And lastly - I had a dream last night.  I invited a few family members over for a birthday dinner - I think for my son.  I bought some chicken, and knew I needed to get it in the oven.  People started showing up - a lot of people. I didn't have the chicken in the oven, and I didn't have enough food for everyone.  I was thinking I would just have to order pizza and wings.  I walked into - maybe the living room, and there were mice around the room.  Two of them were copulating, and my ex reached down and tried to grab them to throw them out of the door.  He killed one of them.  I woke up confused, wondering if this was like one of those Biblical dreams that Joseph analyzed for Pharoah...

Thinking....and sending love...enjoy your daughters, and your whole family -

Clare