Analysis continues, of course

I'm back...still a roil of thoughts...

My oldest son was a dinosaur-freak when he was about 6.  Everything was dinosaurs.  Even I knew all of their names.  Once a man came from the Smithsonian, I believe, to do a lecture on dinosaurs. Of course we had to go. Eyes rolled when I walked in with a 2, 4, 6 and an 8 year old. But they were perfect.

The speaker began by telling us that the Earth is a tropical planet. If we look at the whole geological history, it is unusual for there to be any ice on the planet...

Later I saw a book that speculated that humans changed when the ice age started.  Our species lost faith with Mother Earth.  Maybe that was the beginning of our species' lack of connection...never considered that before.

What comes to me is that reliability is possibly the most important characteristic in a parent. It is what teaches children they are safe.

While I spoke to my son last night, I laid out the ways I was unreliable. I would have stretches of good mommy, and I was good.  But it would be interrupted by periods of rage. Thinking back, it had nothing to do with the kids, who took the brunt, but a lot to do with their dad, who I didn't believe really loved me.  Maybe I couldn't accept my kids' love, knowing that I was unloveable - and so I made it true.   Maybe for kids from violent homes, no amount of love is ever enough.

And then I remembered the hurt and confusion we got from Dad.  One day we were good. The next day, doing the exact same things, we were the most horrible children possible.

I did that to my kids. I taught them that love is not reliable, Mom is not reliable, the world is not reliable, and it doesn't matter what you do - sometimes love just disappears...

And now they are doing it to their kids.....

I have a lot to do today, but I'll probably be thinking the whole time.

Sending love,

Clare