Clare,
I remember red rover…and I remember playing "animals" in the house…each choosing an animal from the encyclopedia and then pretending to be it.
I got an email back that the journal doesn't accept studies gathering data from on line survey. So I have to find another journal. Somehow that was never part of the discussion with my research advisor.
I will find another one.
I emailed Mom today…I am chaperoning a trip to DC this weekend and thought it would be nice if they came into the city for lunch. She said it isn't possible, maybe I could stop by there when we are finished…yeah- me and the twelve or so college students. Sometimes I wish she would just put out a little effort to see me. Oh well, no permanent harm done. I was seriously hoping that we might have an opportunity to really talk though. I guess I was hoping this might be the opening to a real healing discussion…but they lack the motivation to see me…so I either have to travel directly to them or lose the opportunity…Oh well, it won't happen this weekend.
I am seeing S#3 on Wednesday…just briefly though…even a quick visit is good with her.
I was up very late with my youngest and a stomach virus…somewhere a little after midnight he genuinely thanked me for caring…it was a good moment…we spent the day together which has been nice, and quiet.
Sometimes things just take care of themselves.
Not much to report on today…I am busy with deadlines…and projects.
I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Monday, March 31, 2014
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Tarrrrrrrrrrrrred
There were good times. Summer evening when the whole neighborhood played together. We used to have rousing games of Red Rover and Red Light, Green Light. And we used to do this silly elephant walk thing, all in a line. And Hide and Go Seek. In the winter we played Hide and Go Seek in the house, and frustrated Mom- we were rather messy. We also used to play "Doctor" but in our house, because we had the most beds, everyone was a patient taking the odd things we found to use as medicine.
I remember reading a book, there was the name Marcy in the title, out loud to just you.
But I think remembering the sweet little time means you also have to remember the evil, dark, painful times.
Today was sweet. There was a birthday party for my grandson. It was relaxed and noisy and kid-friendly. Most people made it despite the icy muck, muddy flooding/freezing we were faced with. Spring really is on a pace of its own this year!
This weekend was very social, but I am exhausted. It seems to be all or none in my life - no balance. While I was kneading bread, I was thinking about the whole God thing. I got home and was so exhausted, I couldn't think straight. I find the same is true today.
So I will close with - trust that still, small voice. You know it speaks the truth.
I love you,
I'll be back when I am more rested.
Clare
I remember reading a book, there was the name Marcy in the title, out loud to just you.
But I think remembering the sweet little time means you also have to remember the evil, dark, painful times.
Today was sweet. There was a birthday party for my grandson. It was relaxed and noisy and kid-friendly. Most people made it despite the icy muck, muddy flooding/freezing we were faced with. Spring really is on a pace of its own this year!
This weekend was very social, but I am exhausted. It seems to be all or none in my life - no balance. While I was kneading bread, I was thinking about the whole God thing. I got home and was so exhausted, I couldn't think straight. I find the same is true today.
So I will close with - trust that still, small voice. You know it speaks the truth.
I love you,
I'll be back when I am more rested.
Clare
Everyday miracles
My dear Clare,
This has been a busy weekend. It is the local Jazz festival, so we went to a concert last night.
But, yesterday, as I meditated I had a strong leading to submit my research manuscript…
the one that reports a correlation between child abuse/dysfunction and food allergy…
so I sat down for 3 hours and re-read it, made a few minor changes, and sent it to the journal editor.
I am really excited…but anxious…I've been rejected every time I have submitted anything.
I spent the rest of the day talking myself into the role of an "expert"…
I asked myself why anyone would listen to me about food allergy or child abuse or the HPA axis dysfunction…I questioned my own sanity…"What was I thinking?"
But the I heard that still, small voice that said,
"You are a doctor, a social worker, a mother of food allergic kids and a survivor of abuse…who is more qualified?"…
so I shut the doubts up, calmed down, and am feeling good about the submission.
I had a friend join me at Meeting today…
she is interested in the Quaker experience.
She sat through messages about small miracles…
the kind that happen everyday…
most of us don't even notice…
it was a good Meeting.
Then I took my 90 year old friend grocery shopping, she is fighting for her independence…
she says things that make me appreciate how precious independence is…
and then I think of my boys…
fighting for theirs…
I learn so much when I spend time with this woman…
I love that she rides with me weekly now.
I don't remember standing up to all of you older kids…
that's funny though because I feel compelled to stand up to injustice now.
I do remember, when I was pre-school age, trying to save earth worms when the boys were throwing them on the driveway just to run over them with a bike…
I was teased that "worms are your babies"…
I didn't care though…
somehow I knew senseless killing was wrong from an early age.
What patchy memories I retain…
most have some sort of violence attached…
why can't I remember the good times…
like singing?
I don't remember singing on your bed.
Thanks for being here, day after day. I hope that you enjoyed your festive weekend.
Meet you here tomorrow,
Maggie
This has been a busy weekend. It is the local Jazz festival, so we went to a concert last night.
But, yesterday, as I meditated I had a strong leading to submit my research manuscript…
the one that reports a correlation between child abuse/dysfunction and food allergy…
so I sat down for 3 hours and re-read it, made a few minor changes, and sent it to the journal editor.
I am really excited…but anxious…I've been rejected every time I have submitted anything.
I spent the rest of the day talking myself into the role of an "expert"…
I asked myself why anyone would listen to me about food allergy or child abuse or the HPA axis dysfunction…I questioned my own sanity…"What was I thinking?"
But the I heard that still, small voice that said,
"You are a doctor, a social worker, a mother of food allergic kids and a survivor of abuse…who is more qualified?"…
so I shut the doubts up, calmed down, and am feeling good about the submission.
I had a friend join me at Meeting today…
she is interested in the Quaker experience.
She sat through messages about small miracles…
the kind that happen everyday…
most of us don't even notice…
it was a good Meeting.
Then I took my 90 year old friend grocery shopping, she is fighting for her independence…
she says things that make me appreciate how precious independence is…
and then I think of my boys…
fighting for theirs…
I learn so much when I spend time with this woman…
I love that she rides with me weekly now.
I don't remember standing up to all of you older kids…
that's funny though because I feel compelled to stand up to injustice now.
I do remember, when I was pre-school age, trying to save earth worms when the boys were throwing them on the driveway just to run over them with a bike…
I was teased that "worms are your babies"…
I didn't care though…
somehow I knew senseless killing was wrong from an early age.
What patchy memories I retain…
most have some sort of violence attached…
why can't I remember the good times…
like singing?
I don't remember singing on your bed.
Thanks for being here, day after day. I hope that you enjoyed your festive weekend.
Meet you here tomorrow,
Maggie
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Godliness
Long day for me. I made bread all afternoon, then we had a contradance at meeting house. We pay the band and caller with fresh baked bread. So I have been on my feet all day.
A friend brought me home. It is foggy and pouring rain. It seemed like some of the road edges were washing out. It was scary. And to night it will turn over to ice and sleet and snow and back to ice.
Thinking about the Old Testament God. That angry irrational father who loves you infinitely, but drowns a whole society. He is generally not very god-like, and not even a godparent. And we are raised to honor and worship this father figure.
I think something translates. I think we transfer that same power and awe to our physical parents. It is sort of trained into us as part of our religious education. And when our parent-gods do something neglectful, hurtful, mean or worse, we believe god is doing it to us.
I really think their responses burrow deep inside. They become part of our psyche, of our self-view.
And since it came from God, we spend the rest of our life honorably proving God right.
Does that make sense?
Exhaustedly,
Clare
A friend brought me home. It is foggy and pouring rain. It seemed like some of the road edges were washing out. It was scary. And to night it will turn over to ice and sleet and snow and back to ice.
Thinking about the Old Testament God. That angry irrational father who loves you infinitely, but drowns a whole society. He is generally not very god-like, and not even a godparent. And we are raised to honor and worship this father figure.
I think something translates. I think we transfer that same power and awe to our physical parents. It is sort of trained into us as part of our religious education. And when our parent-gods do something neglectful, hurtful, mean or worse, we believe god is doing it to us.
I really think their responses burrow deep inside. They become part of our psyche, of our self-view.
And since it came from God, we spend the rest of our life honorably proving God right.
Does that make sense?
Exhaustedly,
Clare
Friday, March 28, 2014
scream
I trust you. You love those boys and you recognize the normal range of the behavior spectrum. I think I was distressed because I want to protect you.
I don't remember you screaming. I remember mine screaming...my children would have screaming contests in the backyard. It was done with joy and enthusiasm, but the neighbors still had to wonder what was going on. Anyone who drove by saw them...I don't remember you sitting and screaming. I remember we used to scream at each other, call names, try to hurt each other. I remember being vicious sometimes, just to get everyone away from me.
But I remember singing together, too. Every once in awhile, all nine of us would sit on my big bed and sing together. I wish we could have had more moments like that.
Instead we had moments like you and S#3 taking all my make up to put on your dolls and me being all tragic-dramatic. Mom promised to pay me back, mostly to shut me up, I think...That seems like a typical, normal family interaction, though.
Sitting and screaming. I wonder if it was sort of a healthy response to an abusive situation - releasing the pain, so you could remain invisible among the crowd?
I remember you standing up to us - the older kids when you felt something was unfair.
I wonder if that is part of the reason you had the sense that you could have saved S#3 from what the boys did to her.
Spent time discussing my marriage and its end with one of my kids. I thought about my sense of victimhood at that point. I had a very one-sided view. Suddenly, I had a notion of the feeling he must have had - of having the rug pulled out from under him. My kids have a hard time understanding and accepting his ability to just disappear from their lives. I was able to tell our child of the apology that happened - sometime in the past year. And how important it felt for both of us - for continued healing.
Waking up a lot at night. Dreaming a lot, but I can't remember. Restless.
Tomorrow, I spend the day at meetinghouse, baking bread, then hosting a contradance. It's going to be a long day. Then Sunday, the baby and I will go to my grandson's birthday party. Festive weekend here. I'll try to pop in tomorrow, but may not make it back until Sunday.
Sleep well little sister,
Love from Clare
I don't remember you screaming. I remember mine screaming...my children would have screaming contests in the backyard. It was done with joy and enthusiasm, but the neighbors still had to wonder what was going on. Anyone who drove by saw them...I don't remember you sitting and screaming. I remember we used to scream at each other, call names, try to hurt each other. I remember being vicious sometimes, just to get everyone away from me.
But I remember singing together, too. Every once in awhile, all nine of us would sit on my big bed and sing together. I wish we could have had more moments like that.
Instead we had moments like you and S#3 taking all my make up to put on your dolls and me being all tragic-dramatic. Mom promised to pay me back, mostly to shut me up, I think...That seems like a typical, normal family interaction, though.
Sitting and screaming. I wonder if it was sort of a healthy response to an abusive situation - releasing the pain, so you could remain invisible among the crowd?
I remember you standing up to us - the older kids when you felt something was unfair.
I wonder if that is part of the reason you had the sense that you could have saved S#3 from what the boys did to her.
Spent time discussing my marriage and its end with one of my kids. I thought about my sense of victimhood at that point. I had a very one-sided view. Suddenly, I had a notion of the feeling he must have had - of having the rug pulled out from under him. My kids have a hard time understanding and accepting his ability to just disappear from their lives. I was able to tell our child of the apology that happened - sometime in the past year. And how important it felt for both of us - for continued healing.
Waking up a lot at night. Dreaming a lot, but I can't remember. Restless.
Tomorrow, I spend the day at meetinghouse, baking bread, then hosting a contradance. It's going to be a long day. Then Sunday, the baby and I will go to my grandson's birthday party. Festive weekend here. I'll try to pop in tomorrow, but may not make it back until Sunday.
Sleep well little sister,
Love from Clare
I am trying...
Clare,
Yes, he needs help…
I am not sure that he needs professional help.
I see this adolescent boys coming in, really angry and acting out..
damaging property and themselves in the process…
sometimes hurting others along the way…
OK most of the time they hurt others- like their parent- along the way.
I don't think mine are at that stage..
and the piece that's missing for these boys is a consistent family…
mine have a home, food, love, consistency.
I think it's difficult, but do-able.
I remember being an adolescent…
sitting on the steps just screaming until my throat hurt…
no one even paying attention to me...
I guess I did it too often to be taken seriously.
There was so much going on inside…
just the everyday demands of being an teenager made me frustrated…
add to that our family dynamics…
it volcanoed forth…as you say.
I am trying…
praying for guidance…
asking for assistance…
trusting the universe…
and trying to be patient, kind and loving.
I find myself, holed up in the basement for the past 3 days…
trying to avoid the energy of my house…
neck deep in this costuming project…
knowing all along that this is a haven.
I have delegated to husband…
we talk about it…
he is handling the interactions…
I will be relieved when I look back in 10 years to see how I've survived all of this.
You survived it.
Yet, as I write that I realize you are still pulled every time your kids need something…
I guess it never ends…
only changes its form from time to time.
I have to get back to researching 'self-esteem'
I submitted two articles today for work…
one on Violence and another on Climate change and environmental destruction.
I hope they are well received.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Yes, he needs help…
I am not sure that he needs professional help.
I see this adolescent boys coming in, really angry and acting out..
damaging property and themselves in the process…
sometimes hurting others along the way…
OK most of the time they hurt others- like their parent- along the way.
I don't think mine are at that stage..
and the piece that's missing for these boys is a consistent family…
mine have a home, food, love, consistency.
I think it's difficult, but do-able.
I remember being an adolescent…
sitting on the steps just screaming until my throat hurt…
no one even paying attention to me...
I guess I did it too often to be taken seriously.
There was so much going on inside…
just the everyday demands of being an teenager made me frustrated…
add to that our family dynamics…
it volcanoed forth…as you say.
I am trying…
praying for guidance…
asking for assistance…
trusting the universe…
and trying to be patient, kind and loving.
I find myself, holed up in the basement for the past 3 days…
trying to avoid the energy of my house…
neck deep in this costuming project…
knowing all along that this is a haven.
I have delegated to husband…
we talk about it…
he is handling the interactions…
I will be relieved when I look back in 10 years to see how I've survived all of this.
You survived it.
Yet, as I write that I realize you are still pulled every time your kids need something…
I guess it never ends…
only changes its form from time to time.
I have to get back to researching 'self-esteem'
I submitted two articles today for work…
one on Violence and another on Climate change and environmental destruction.
I hope they are well received.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Volcano the venom
I remember getting very angry at Mom because she just didn't "get" what I wanted. Your son is angry about something, or because of something, and you are the safe place to vent. We always spill our rage on those who will love us afterwards. And during rage, we can't listen, we can't respond, we can't be rational and hear ourselves. We can only volcano our venom. I speak from experience.
But while it is okay to be frustrated and angry, it is not okay to scream at you or call you names. You deserve to be treated decently, especially in your own home, own car. Home is sanctuary - not for anger, but for our souls. I used to tell my kids that they could hate my bloody guts if they wanted to, but they were going to fake it and treat me with respect. Inside their heads they could call me anything they liked...and we could talk about things, and be furious with each other...but respectfully.
Do you think he needs to see someone too? I know you were trying to get the older one to agree to counseling. I wonder if the two of them are feeding off of each other.
The flowers taught me something about balance once. Perfect, sustained balance is death. We always have to be moving, to be jostling, to be maintaining. Professionally, things are going well, and so there almost has to be domestic unrest to remind you to keep your balance...
How did he do with his father, later when he was picked up?
We saw some big-ol' turtles. They are also ancient. So, there will be a next time??? That's something to dream about! I was wondering if I could get the two of you up here sometime this summer, maybe - for a continuation of the work we are doing together, and to add that element of fun and laughter.
I never started potting last night. But today the sun is shining, the temperature is supposed to go above freezing. Maybe today will be the day I get it done! I am so looking forward to gardening this year. I hope the baby will be independent enough to give me time to get in the dirt. I want to be outside, barefoot so much.
Dreaming of spring, and especially of daffodils!
Love from Clare
But while it is okay to be frustrated and angry, it is not okay to scream at you or call you names. You deserve to be treated decently, especially in your own home, own car. Home is sanctuary - not for anger, but for our souls. I used to tell my kids that they could hate my bloody guts if they wanted to, but they were going to fake it and treat me with respect. Inside their heads they could call me anything they liked...and we could talk about things, and be furious with each other...but respectfully.
Do you think he needs to see someone too? I know you were trying to get the older one to agree to counseling. I wonder if the two of them are feeding off of each other.
The flowers taught me something about balance once. Perfect, sustained balance is death. We always have to be moving, to be jostling, to be maintaining. Professionally, things are going well, and so there almost has to be domestic unrest to remind you to keep your balance...
How did he do with his father, later when he was picked up?
We saw some big-ol' turtles. They are also ancient. So, there will be a next time??? That's something to dream about! I was wondering if I could get the two of you up here sometime this summer, maybe - for a continuation of the work we are doing together, and to add that element of fun and laughter.
I never started potting last night. But today the sun is shining, the temperature is supposed to go above freezing. Maybe today will be the day I get it done! I am so looking forward to gardening this year. I hope the baby will be independent enough to give me time to get in the dirt. I want to be outside, barefoot so much.
Dreaming of spring, and especially of daffodils!
Love from Clare
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
confusing
Clare,
I had a confusing day…again.
I had a wonderfully productive morning.
I edited 2 articles for newsletter, and found out one of them was going to be featured. I prepared for class tomorrow. I worked on my costuming project paperwork…it was great.
I made it to my doctor's to have a blood test for genetic testing…they finally found the right lab to do it…so now that is on track.
I picked up my youngest from an after school activity and as we drove past Subway his mood suddenly shifted. He begged me to go back, which I reluctantly did, telling him we have food at home to prepare. So I had $7 in my wallet, gave him that and he demanded a credit card because he couldn't get everything he wanted for $7. Well this blew up quickly…to the point that he refused to ride home with me, I drove home, he waited for hid father…and now he's angry. I am the one who was called names and screamed at…I don't know how long I can take being treated like this.
The computer and sewing work have my back aching, and I should just go to bed.
I love the reflection back to the crocodile mamma…
I'd forgotten about that.
We were determined to see some large reptile…
but only dolphins and birds showed themselves.
Maybe next time.
Tomorrow is a long day…class, counseling and then an evening gathering at my third job. I am not sure if I'll have the time to check in here, but I will be back on Friday. I think the most confusing part of my day is that as I get more and more capable in the workforce, I seem to get less and less capable at home…where's the balance?
Love and Light,
Maggie
I had a confusing day…again.
I had a wonderfully productive morning.
I edited 2 articles for newsletter, and found out one of them was going to be featured. I prepared for class tomorrow. I worked on my costuming project paperwork…it was great.
I made it to my doctor's to have a blood test for genetic testing…they finally found the right lab to do it…so now that is on track.
I picked up my youngest from an after school activity and as we drove past Subway his mood suddenly shifted. He begged me to go back, which I reluctantly did, telling him we have food at home to prepare. So I had $7 in my wallet, gave him that and he demanded a credit card because he couldn't get everything he wanted for $7. Well this blew up quickly…to the point that he refused to ride home with me, I drove home, he waited for hid father…and now he's angry. I am the one who was called names and screamed at…I don't know how long I can take being treated like this.
The computer and sewing work have my back aching, and I should just go to bed.
I love the reflection back to the crocodile mamma…
I'd forgotten about that.
We were determined to see some large reptile…
but only dolphins and birds showed themselves.
Maybe next time.
Tomorrow is a long day…class, counseling and then an evening gathering at my third job. I am not sure if I'll have the time to check in here, but I will be back on Friday. I think the most confusing part of my day is that as I get more and more capable in the workforce, I seem to get less and less capable at home…where's the balance?
Love and Light,
Maggie
A Friendly nudge
Good morning Maggie,
I have a big break in the middle of my schedule today. The sun is up, and I am gazing across the privet bush outside my window - which is covered with a soft dusting of snow.
Sigh....
Winter will never end, I think. The last of my garden seeds should arrive today. I hope I can get out to the Amish store and pick up some compost and potting soil. Starting plants will distract me, and remind me that I do believe in spring. Oh, I do, I do. Clap your hands with me, Maggie, let's bring spring back from the cold that is weighing it down!
If I get grumpy and negative when I get old, please slap me. Or maybe just use a Friendly nudge. You met my older neighbor. She is estranged from her family, and so we talk frequently. She is a great gardener and canner and baker - and so we have interests in common. But sometimes she starts complaining and it is too much to bear. She'll go on and on, then stop and tell me she has learned so much about being positive and speaking to people politely and respectfully from me. Really? Sometimes I am just so tired...Sorry, for complaining! But, yeah, I understand your anxiety.
If I were closer, I would sit and sew buttons with you. Simple, distracting work like that is almost meditative, trancelike - it allows my mind to wander into parts unknown.
I hope you refind the joy.
I was thinking about your comment that I have come to the same realization as you had last November...the key to health is being vulnerable. When I read your posts, it made sense logically. Now I am feeling hard and soft, viscerally. I am seeing more and more that logic doesn't cut it. We have to feel. It has to be something about being human. We must feel.
Looking for your posts, I saw my old one about the Alligator-Mama. It struck me with delight, because it was a foreshadowing of our search for alligators on the island. Maybe.
But I also realized I have a lot of ideas I don't follow through on. Is that normal, or is that me? No one person could possibly follow through on all of the ideas I come up with. But maybe I should take myself a little more seriously than I do...
My youngest got back home yesterday. She handed me the baby, who looked at me sidewise, froze a little, and started to cry. I was a stranger to her. It took about 5 minutes of normal day-to-day interaction with her mama, mama's boyfriend, the dogs, until she relaxed and I think home started coming back to her. She has changed a lot in two weeks. It is amazing. I feel like I have to get to know her again, too. Turns out, she's a great traveler!
Not able to meditate at night lately. I'm having crazy, disrupted dreams almost as soon as I close my eyes. All I know is that many people from my life are involved, and we're trying to get something done.
Time for taking dogs out, making breakfast, checking the fire on this winter morning...Will be back later. Hope you are having an easier day.
Love and hugs,
Clare
I have a big break in the middle of my schedule today. The sun is up, and I am gazing across the privet bush outside my window - which is covered with a soft dusting of snow.
Sigh....
Winter will never end, I think. The last of my garden seeds should arrive today. I hope I can get out to the Amish store and pick up some compost and potting soil. Starting plants will distract me, and remind me that I do believe in spring. Oh, I do, I do. Clap your hands with me, Maggie, let's bring spring back from the cold that is weighing it down!
If I get grumpy and negative when I get old, please slap me. Or maybe just use a Friendly nudge. You met my older neighbor. She is estranged from her family, and so we talk frequently. She is a great gardener and canner and baker - and so we have interests in common. But sometimes she starts complaining and it is too much to bear. She'll go on and on, then stop and tell me she has learned so much about being positive and speaking to people politely and respectfully from me. Really? Sometimes I am just so tired...Sorry, for complaining! But, yeah, I understand your anxiety.
If I were closer, I would sit and sew buttons with you. Simple, distracting work like that is almost meditative, trancelike - it allows my mind to wander into parts unknown.
I hope you refind the joy.
I was thinking about your comment that I have come to the same realization as you had last November...the key to health is being vulnerable. When I read your posts, it made sense logically. Now I am feeling hard and soft, viscerally. I am seeing more and more that logic doesn't cut it. We have to feel. It has to be something about being human. We must feel.
Looking for your posts, I saw my old one about the Alligator-Mama. It struck me with delight, because it was a foreshadowing of our search for alligators on the island. Maybe.
But I also realized I have a lot of ideas I don't follow through on. Is that normal, or is that me? No one person could possibly follow through on all of the ideas I come up with. But maybe I should take myself a little more seriously than I do...
My youngest got back home yesterday. She handed me the baby, who looked at me sidewise, froze a little, and started to cry. I was a stranger to her. It took about 5 minutes of normal day-to-day interaction with her mama, mama's boyfriend, the dogs, until she relaxed and I think home started coming back to her. She has changed a lot in two weeks. It is amazing. I feel like I have to get to know her again, too. Turns out, she's a great traveler!
Not able to meditate at night lately. I'm having crazy, disrupted dreams almost as soon as I close my eyes. All I know is that many people from my life are involved, and we're trying to get something done.
Time for taking dogs out, making breakfast, checking the fire on this winter morning...Will be back later. Hope you are having an easier day.
Love and hugs,
Clare
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
247 buttons
Clare,
Sorry it's late and my body and mind are tired. I want to check in and let you know that I am here, despite a hectic day.
I taught this morning…
then I drove about an hour to a fabric store, we needed more for this theatrical project we're involved in.
I am sharing the work with an 83 year old woman who lives where my horses are. She is frustrated because we have had to deal with lousy measurements, incomplete patterns and delays from the actors' side. I was getting pretty anxious driving with her. I wanted to tell her that this was supposed to bring us joy, and relieve her boredom that she complains about. I just sat with the anxiety.
We got what we needed, including 247 buttons for the men's coats, waistcoats and breeches…
what a party that will be to sew all go those onto the garments. Luckily we bought more than 144 so we got them at 8 cents a piece. I came home and had to translate a size 24 pattern into a larger size. I think it will work, but am too tired to really think it through. I have enough material that even if I totally have screwed it up I can try again.
We do get sucked into society's ideals, trying hard to fit the perfect mold…
and yet we want to be unique and have people notice us.
How did we get so conflicted?
I try very hard to be healthy, but I do find myself comparing my ass to other people's…
I have read that that is a very 'white woman' thing to do…
comparing our shapes to the other women around us.
I don't think that black women do this.
Why are we so competitive?
I am too tired to answer questions…only ask them.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Sorry it's late and my body and mind are tired. I want to check in and let you know that I am here, despite a hectic day.
I taught this morning…
then I drove about an hour to a fabric store, we needed more for this theatrical project we're involved in.
I am sharing the work with an 83 year old woman who lives where my horses are. She is frustrated because we have had to deal with lousy measurements, incomplete patterns and delays from the actors' side. I was getting pretty anxious driving with her. I wanted to tell her that this was supposed to bring us joy, and relieve her boredom that she complains about. I just sat with the anxiety.
We got what we needed, including 247 buttons for the men's coats, waistcoats and breeches…
what a party that will be to sew all go those onto the garments. Luckily we bought more than 144 so we got them at 8 cents a piece. I came home and had to translate a size 24 pattern into a larger size. I think it will work, but am too tired to really think it through. I have enough material that even if I totally have screwed it up I can try again.
We do get sucked into society's ideals, trying hard to fit the perfect mold…
and yet we want to be unique and have people notice us.
How did we get so conflicted?
I try very hard to be healthy, but I do find myself comparing my ass to other people's…
I have read that that is a very 'white woman' thing to do…
comparing our shapes to the other women around us.
I don't think that black women do this.
Why are we so competitive?
I am too tired to answer questions…only ask them.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Monday, March 24, 2014
From Make Up to Migration
My oldest daughter, the tall slender blond who was asked to participate in a student film as a perfect American beauty - yeah, that one...She is back in school finishing her bachelors, because her employer wants to offer her a master's. So has been working on the history of the 60s - civil rights, hippies, music, Viet Nam. She has become more aware of gender politics.
She now refuses to wear make up to work, and will not wear stilettos at all, ever. They hobble women, and prevent us from running, moving - they deform our bodies. She told me that certain colleagues are beginning to talk to her about how beautiful she would be if she wore make up. The implication is that otherwise she is not beautiful, we are not beautiful, women are not beautiful. Not without help.
I stayed with S#3 for a few days, years and years ago. I don't even look in a mirror most days - this has been me for most of my life. And she is always beautifully made up, dressed well, hair done. (I still occasionally pull my hair into two braids to get it out of my face...shhhh.) I remember being in the bathroom, washing my hands and looking up. My face caught my attention. There was something wrong. Something missing. I studied my face and realized I wasn't wearing eye-liner. I had been looking at S#3 all week, and her look became normal. Suddenly mine was blah, unnoticeable, wrong.
Something similar happened with my ex. We watched a movie one night - it was Sylvester Stallone and/or Kurt Russell - some over-steroided, off-looking man. After two hours of watching this shirtless wonder, the movie was over, and we were going to bed. My ex took off his shirt. Again, I stopped and wondered what was wrong. My ex was a former swimmer, he was in decent shape - but he didn't look "right" after what the movie told me a man should look like.
I kind of like my inability to not care, but sometimes I think I should start wearing make up again.
But men don't wear make up. They are attractive in their natural state. And they don't wear hobbles! I think we wear make up to look babyish-sexy. We make big eyes (baby) and rosy cheeks(baby), then red-siren lips (whore). We wear stilettos to emphasize out butts, but also to walk like a baby - sort of toddle. I think we are expected to shave because body hair is a secondary sexual characteristic, and it means we are adults. So we are told it is dirty and smelly and unsightly - so we conform and infantalize our bodies.
Maybe Mom is right - my heart is beautiful...ahhhhhhh!!!!! I feel so damned - so damned with faint praise!
But not damned enough to go get the mascara!
You mentioned writing about gender violence - us vs. them. I had a conversation with someone today that led me somewhere strange. (Typical for me, I think.)
I was talking to a man in Europe about bird migrations. He said the swifts migrate back and forth between northern Europe and South Africa. One of their stopping places is the island of Malta in the middle of the Mediterranean. Malta is now part of the European Union, but part of the agreement allowing them to join was that they had to stop shooting the migrating birds. Apparently they were routinely out joy-shooting into the sky simply to see how many they could kill during every migration. They never ate or used the birds. They simply killed because they didn't have enough humanity to understand.
I started thinking about the accounts of wildlife here before Europeans arrived. I have read about migrations that darkened the sky. I have read about abundance - about the buffalo thundering across the plains. And European-Americans ran them off of cliffs, simply to kill.
I get so excited about the migrations. A vee of Canadian geese were moving north across my little piece of the sky this weekend. Their cries called me out of the door. I stood and watched. Today I realized that I am seeing but a remnant of migration. These are the small groups that have survived our kind - European-Americans.
Perhaps the root of this destruction is that feeling that there is not enough. There is not enough for me, and so I must protect what I have, and I have the right - the legal and moral right - to kill you if you touch my stuff.
We protect our stuff from other species, but maybe men are so frightened of women taking their stuff, that they stomp on us, out of fear. So who taught us that there is not enough for all?
Looking through history, it seems everywhere whites go, devastation follows. I wonder why...
I wanted to share one last thing - about my meeting. This happened before my time. But I found a sign tucked away. It said something to the effect: These cans are being collected as a fundraiser for this meeting. But if you need them, please take them. If there's anything else you need, please come and talk to us.
Pretty self-explanatory. Pretty Friendly.
I love you, beautiful woman!
Clare
She now refuses to wear make up to work, and will not wear stilettos at all, ever. They hobble women, and prevent us from running, moving - they deform our bodies. She told me that certain colleagues are beginning to talk to her about how beautiful she would be if she wore make up. The implication is that otherwise she is not beautiful, we are not beautiful, women are not beautiful. Not without help.
I stayed with S#3 for a few days, years and years ago. I don't even look in a mirror most days - this has been me for most of my life. And she is always beautifully made up, dressed well, hair done. (I still occasionally pull my hair into two braids to get it out of my face...shhhh.) I remember being in the bathroom, washing my hands and looking up. My face caught my attention. There was something wrong. Something missing. I studied my face and realized I wasn't wearing eye-liner. I had been looking at S#3 all week, and her look became normal. Suddenly mine was blah, unnoticeable, wrong.
Something similar happened with my ex. We watched a movie one night - it was Sylvester Stallone and/or Kurt Russell - some over-steroided, off-looking man. After two hours of watching this shirtless wonder, the movie was over, and we were going to bed. My ex took off his shirt. Again, I stopped and wondered what was wrong. My ex was a former swimmer, he was in decent shape - but he didn't look "right" after what the movie told me a man should look like.
I kind of like my inability to not care, but sometimes I think I should start wearing make up again.
But men don't wear make up. They are attractive in their natural state. And they don't wear hobbles! I think we wear make up to look babyish-sexy. We make big eyes (baby) and rosy cheeks(baby), then red-siren lips (whore). We wear stilettos to emphasize out butts, but also to walk like a baby - sort of toddle. I think we are expected to shave because body hair is a secondary sexual characteristic, and it means we are adults. So we are told it is dirty and smelly and unsightly - so we conform and infantalize our bodies.
Maybe Mom is right - my heart is beautiful...ahhhhhhh!!!!! I feel so damned - so damned with faint praise!
But not damned enough to go get the mascara!
You mentioned writing about gender violence - us vs. them. I had a conversation with someone today that led me somewhere strange. (Typical for me, I think.)
I was talking to a man in Europe about bird migrations. He said the swifts migrate back and forth between northern Europe and South Africa. One of their stopping places is the island of Malta in the middle of the Mediterranean. Malta is now part of the European Union, but part of the agreement allowing them to join was that they had to stop shooting the migrating birds. Apparently they were routinely out joy-shooting into the sky simply to see how many they could kill during every migration. They never ate or used the birds. They simply killed because they didn't have enough humanity to understand.
I started thinking about the accounts of wildlife here before Europeans arrived. I have read about migrations that darkened the sky. I have read about abundance - about the buffalo thundering across the plains. And European-Americans ran them off of cliffs, simply to kill.
I get so excited about the migrations. A vee of Canadian geese were moving north across my little piece of the sky this weekend. Their cries called me out of the door. I stood and watched. Today I realized that I am seeing but a remnant of migration. These are the small groups that have survived our kind - European-Americans.
Perhaps the root of this destruction is that feeling that there is not enough. There is not enough for me, and so I must protect what I have, and I have the right - the legal and moral right - to kill you if you touch my stuff.
We protect our stuff from other species, but maybe men are so frightened of women taking their stuff, that they stomp on us, out of fear. So who taught us that there is not enough for all?
Looking through history, it seems everywhere whites go, devastation follows. I wonder why...
I wanted to share one last thing - about my meeting. This happened before my time. But I found a sign tucked away. It said something to the effect: These cans are being collected as a fundraiser for this meeting. But if you need them, please take them. If there's anything else you need, please come and talk to us.
Pretty self-explanatory. Pretty Friendly.
I love you, beautiful woman!
Clare
Stepford wife
Clare,
We are supposed to get snow tomorrow too. Is this the 'onion snow'? Hopefully the storm takes a more easterly track and we get nothing. I still have a bank of snow on the northern side of my house.
It's funny, when you talk about mom's and your M-I-L's criticisms of your 'look'. In my life it was different. My M-I-L disliked that her daughter was not well dressed, she just didn't care to be up to date, as long as she was clean and comfortable it was good. One of the things that I (and my other S-I-L) had going for me was that I liked to buy clothes. My M-I-L always commented on my weight though. She would ask if I'd lost or gained at almost every gathering. The last time I spoke to her, in the ICU, she woke from a nap and I was there, she looked at me and said, "Hi Maggie, Have you lost weight?".
I laughed, and still laugh, because she couldn't see any deeper than my weight and clothes. She was a very shallow, cold person. I don't think she ever explored the depths of herself, so why would she even know to do that with another? A friend told me that husband was attracted to me because I had depth, he didn't care why, he just needed to have that depth in his life. They had a 'Stepford' experience, all perfection to outward appearances, but hollow inside.
That's what the first 20 years of our marriage was too…
I was trying to be the perfect wife and mother…
all the while my trauma infused system was playing hide and seek inside my brain.
One of the things that we've worked on since reuniting is trying to find out what we're truly feeling inside…instead of stuffing emotions into the dark corners of our brain.
Self-esteem is a very interesting topic. I am working on that with an intern right now…
looking at the neurophysiology and development of self-esteem and how it plays out in our life choices. None of us has a healthy self-esteem…
we are all fakers, plastic masks doing and saying all of the politically and social correct things to survive in this world…
that's the Delana way.
I, temporarily, feel embarrassed when I post a comment or link on social media and one of my friends criticizes it…
it is as if their opinion supersedes my own knowledge and beliefs.
This is temporary and I quickly rationalize the reaction, but my first reaction is that I screwed up…
then I realize that there are many differing opinions, and everyone wants to express their own…
that's what social media is about.
I have to write an article today. It was going to be on the topic of gender violence, but I keep thinking it's not gender violence, it's us versus them violence…
and that will take more thought…
more time to grow and develop. I think I will write about the childhood adversity and it's outcomes…
Maybe I'll call it 50 ways to screw up your child's life….
something interesting will come from it.
I love you, stay warm…Spring is almost here.
Love and Light,
Maggie
We are supposed to get snow tomorrow too. Is this the 'onion snow'? Hopefully the storm takes a more easterly track and we get nothing. I still have a bank of snow on the northern side of my house.
It's funny, when you talk about mom's and your M-I-L's criticisms of your 'look'. In my life it was different. My M-I-L disliked that her daughter was not well dressed, she just didn't care to be up to date, as long as she was clean and comfortable it was good. One of the things that I (and my other S-I-L) had going for me was that I liked to buy clothes. My M-I-L always commented on my weight though. She would ask if I'd lost or gained at almost every gathering. The last time I spoke to her, in the ICU, she woke from a nap and I was there, she looked at me and said, "Hi Maggie, Have you lost weight?".
I laughed, and still laugh, because she couldn't see any deeper than my weight and clothes. She was a very shallow, cold person. I don't think she ever explored the depths of herself, so why would she even know to do that with another? A friend told me that husband was attracted to me because I had depth, he didn't care why, he just needed to have that depth in his life. They had a 'Stepford' experience, all perfection to outward appearances, but hollow inside.
That's what the first 20 years of our marriage was too…
I was trying to be the perfect wife and mother…
all the while my trauma infused system was playing hide and seek inside my brain.
One of the things that we've worked on since reuniting is trying to find out what we're truly feeling inside…instead of stuffing emotions into the dark corners of our brain.
Self-esteem is a very interesting topic. I am working on that with an intern right now…
looking at the neurophysiology and development of self-esteem and how it plays out in our life choices. None of us has a healthy self-esteem…
we are all fakers, plastic masks doing and saying all of the politically and social correct things to survive in this world…
that's the Delana way.
I, temporarily, feel embarrassed when I post a comment or link on social media and one of my friends criticizes it…
it is as if their opinion supersedes my own knowledge and beliefs.
This is temporary and I quickly rationalize the reaction, but my first reaction is that I screwed up…
then I realize that there are many differing opinions, and everyone wants to express their own…
that's what social media is about.
I have to write an article today. It was going to be on the topic of gender violence, but I keep thinking it's not gender violence, it's us versus them violence…
and that will take more thought…
more time to grow and develop. I think I will write about the childhood adversity and it's outcomes…
Maybe I'll call it 50 ways to screw up your child's life….
something interesting will come from it.
I love you, stay warm…Spring is almost here.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Sunday, March 23, 2014
If only...
The dogs were really excited yesterday. There were six robins on the lawn...the number of the heart. My ornithologist friend said that robin's are of the heart, or they stir the heart. He hears them before he sees them, and he can feel it in his heart. Today, my grandson and I were looking out the big window, gazing at the front yard, watching it snow on the robins.
Despair!!!!! It is not spring...
I talked to Mom today. Sometimes she is so on, so astute. Today was not that day. We were talking about S#3's son, and I said I always related to him. She said, "You don't have self-esteem either." So I responded, "I was thinking about our analytical intelligence - that kid could be a physicist..."
But she was off. We talked a little about needing to have self-esteem seeded and nurtured when young. I told her I never felt beautiful. She said I am, but I let myself be drab. Sigh...Then to mend it, she told me I had a beautiful heart, which is what really counts. I know she was not meaning to be hurtful, and God knows I have put my foot in it the exact same way...once it is started, there doesn't seem to be a way out...
It just took me back to my days with my mother-in-law and her you could be so pretty if only speeches...I need to wear makeup, lose weight, do my hair, dress more like her daughter...in a nutshell - just be different!
Is this part of what I have to forgive?
A friend spent several hours with me. We talked a lot about childhood perceptions of wrong or bad, of feeling unloveable, of adoring the parent...We talked about adult logic always being trumped by childhood perception. So interesting that it works like that. Emotion rules in the end, maybe.
I am exhausted! I hope to meet you here tomorrow. I hope you have an uneventful weekend with your sons, your cowarriors!!
Sending love and hugs, and anything else you may need.
Clare
Despair!!!!! It is not spring...
I talked to Mom today. Sometimes she is so on, so astute. Today was not that day. We were talking about S#3's son, and I said I always related to him. She said, "You don't have self-esteem either." So I responded, "I was thinking about our analytical intelligence - that kid could be a physicist..."
But she was off. We talked a little about needing to have self-esteem seeded and nurtured when young. I told her I never felt beautiful. She said I am, but I let myself be drab. Sigh...Then to mend it, she told me I had a beautiful heart, which is what really counts. I know she was not meaning to be hurtful, and God knows I have put my foot in it the exact same way...once it is started, there doesn't seem to be a way out...
It just took me back to my days with my mother-in-law and her you could be so pretty if only speeches...I need to wear makeup, lose weight, do my hair, dress more like her daughter...in a nutshell - just be different!
Is this part of what I have to forgive?
A friend spent several hours with me. We talked a lot about childhood perceptions of wrong or bad, of feeling unloveable, of adoring the parent...We talked about adult logic always being trumped by childhood perception. So interesting that it works like that. Emotion rules in the end, maybe.
I am exhausted! I hope to meet you here tomorrow. I hope you have an uneventful weekend with your sons, your cowarriors!!
Sending love and hugs, and anything else you may need.
Clare
To trust; or not to trust
Clare,
Sounds like an interesting weekend.
I have been trying to get ahead on my costuming project. Not a whole lot of time to think.
I wonder if this a one of my distraction maneuvers?
It probably is…
my mind does this to me all the time…
although this project found me…
only time will tell.
So, you've come to the realization that I had in November…
that the key to health is allowing vulnerability, even though being taken advantage of is what caused the dis-ease in the first place. It is tough to let down your guard when you've been kicked many times before, but it is vital to moving forward.
Simple- but never easy.
I have been taught many times to not trust others…
that everyone turns on you eventually, usually when you are no longer useful to them.
It is interesting how disposable everything is in our society presently.
We rarely fix things, just purchase a new one…
it's easier and a lot more fun to get new things…
we are so easily enticed by advertising and obtaining new stuff…or new people.
But, maybe the old relationship still has usefulness.
Maybe the barriers need to be shed and open the possibility of communication and communion.
Our Meeting house had windows broken this weekend. 2 windows were shattered with rocks. Most believe it is a disgruntled man who gets ticketed for parking in the lot illegally. I feel really conflicted about the whole thing. We, peaceful and respectful Quakers, are pushing another human into a violent display of his frustration. I am not sure what is the right thing to do. Do you punish someone for this? Do you, "try what love can do"? Do you turn the other cheek? I keep thinking we should negotiate a parking rate that this man could afford and let him use the lot legally. That seems to be a better alternative to punishment.
Anyway, I've got to get homework underway. I love you, I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Sounds like an interesting weekend.
I have been trying to get ahead on my costuming project. Not a whole lot of time to think.
I wonder if this a one of my distraction maneuvers?
It probably is…
my mind does this to me all the time…
although this project found me…
only time will tell.
So, you've come to the realization that I had in November…
that the key to health is allowing vulnerability, even though being taken advantage of is what caused the dis-ease in the first place. It is tough to let down your guard when you've been kicked many times before, but it is vital to moving forward.
Simple- but never easy.
I have been taught many times to not trust others…
that everyone turns on you eventually, usually when you are no longer useful to them.
It is interesting how disposable everything is in our society presently.
We rarely fix things, just purchase a new one…
it's easier and a lot more fun to get new things…
we are so easily enticed by advertising and obtaining new stuff…or new people.
But, maybe the old relationship still has usefulness.
Maybe the barriers need to be shed and open the possibility of communication and communion.
Our Meeting house had windows broken this weekend. 2 windows were shattered with rocks. Most believe it is a disgruntled man who gets ticketed for parking in the lot illegally. I feel really conflicted about the whole thing. We, peaceful and respectful Quakers, are pushing another human into a violent display of his frustration. I am not sure what is the right thing to do. Do you punish someone for this? Do you, "try what love can do"? Do you turn the other cheek? I keep thinking we should negotiate a parking rate that this man could afford and let him use the lot legally. That seems to be a better alternative to punishment.
Anyway, I've got to get homework underway. I love you, I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Early morning musings
Up earlyish - a chihuahua stepped on my face. It's not a work day, so I could just lay still and sense. A mourning dove was cooing outside of my window. That helped me believe in spring...because according to the forecast, we are in for one more slam of winter. Sigh.....
I was working with two ideas, letting them ramble around in my brain in the dawn half-light. First I was thinking about forgiveness...still thinking about it. I had the sense of a momma embracing me. Forgiveness ties so closely to - compassion, to - I understand, to - Me-too. It is so much easier to look at others with love, and to forgive...well, to many others. There are a few people I really had to struggle with. Forgiveness seems to have to do with releasing the lump in one's heart....hmmm. Another hard place that needs to be softened.
My thoughts, my awareness have been circling around softness, openness, vulnerability so much. Healing begins when we are soft and receptive. We can't just forgive - to send it out and share it, but we must be strong enough and accepting enough to receive forgiveness.
I think I am offering myself forgiveness. Now I have to believe I am enough, and accept.
It's so much easier to forgive someone else. They have the struggle of accepting it.
Maybe now, at equinox, in this time of balance, and when the ground is finally (hopefully) melting and becoming soft, maybe now it the perfect time for this lesson. But I think out time at the island was the necessary catalyst. Experiencing vulnerability was key.
And so, thank you, again.
The other thing I "got" this morning was a sound of groaning men. When I investigated, I found women and children trapped beneath them, and below that were the animals, both domestic and wild. There was more as I went deeper, but this was enough. I felt like I was traveling to the center of the Earth.
You said something about the powerful white males. We see them as having freedom we don't have. But I think, in truth, they are the product of massive oppression. Someone who wields that much power, who only feels safe or of any worth because he has money, property and possessions, owns a beautiful woman - his humanity has been destroyed. His soul is suffering because it has to take an immense amount of self-imposed blindness to not see the hungry and the homeless, the destroyed water and forest, the dolphin slaughters - and to not feel any connection or compassion. They have lots, they look good, but they have to be half-dead to have what they have.
I think this morning, I heard that pain. And their layer of pain leads to ownership of others - in a way, we are all slaves, possessions. All land has to be owned. All creatures have to be owned, or they are fair play for murder. We wantonly slay anything not owned by another human. And we are allowed to use and abuse anything we own.
We are so out of balance.
The First People knew that the leader was the first to give. We need to go back to that. We are so sick, and our disease is hurting the planet.
Do you remember the Gaia Philosophy - maybe from the 1980s? We finally understood the planet is alive, and there was finally an awareness of the sentience of all life, especially including the planet. We are hurting her with our disease. We are hurting all other species...
So we must soften, forgive, wander around lost until we find a new way. Or we must die, we must endure our own extinction so others may live.
Which sacrifice will we make?
And after, all that - I get to turn on music and clean my house!
I love you. I hope you have a peaceful, joyful, balanced weekend with your beautiful family.
Clare
I was working with two ideas, letting them ramble around in my brain in the dawn half-light. First I was thinking about forgiveness...still thinking about it. I had the sense of a momma embracing me. Forgiveness ties so closely to - compassion, to - I understand, to - Me-too. It is so much easier to look at others with love, and to forgive...well, to many others. There are a few people I really had to struggle with. Forgiveness seems to have to do with releasing the lump in one's heart....hmmm. Another hard place that needs to be softened.
My thoughts, my awareness have been circling around softness, openness, vulnerability so much. Healing begins when we are soft and receptive. We can't just forgive - to send it out and share it, but we must be strong enough and accepting enough to receive forgiveness.
I think I am offering myself forgiveness. Now I have to believe I am enough, and accept.
It's so much easier to forgive someone else. They have the struggle of accepting it.
Maybe now, at equinox, in this time of balance, and when the ground is finally (hopefully) melting and becoming soft, maybe now it the perfect time for this lesson. But I think out time at the island was the necessary catalyst. Experiencing vulnerability was key.
And so, thank you, again.
The other thing I "got" this morning was a sound of groaning men. When I investigated, I found women and children trapped beneath them, and below that were the animals, both domestic and wild. There was more as I went deeper, but this was enough. I felt like I was traveling to the center of the Earth.
You said something about the powerful white males. We see them as having freedom we don't have. But I think, in truth, they are the product of massive oppression. Someone who wields that much power, who only feels safe or of any worth because he has money, property and possessions, owns a beautiful woman - his humanity has been destroyed. His soul is suffering because it has to take an immense amount of self-imposed blindness to not see the hungry and the homeless, the destroyed water and forest, the dolphin slaughters - and to not feel any connection or compassion. They have lots, they look good, but they have to be half-dead to have what they have.
I think this morning, I heard that pain. And their layer of pain leads to ownership of others - in a way, we are all slaves, possessions. All land has to be owned. All creatures have to be owned, or they are fair play for murder. We wantonly slay anything not owned by another human. And we are allowed to use and abuse anything we own.
We are so out of balance.
The First People knew that the leader was the first to give. We need to go back to that. We are so sick, and our disease is hurting the planet.
Do you remember the Gaia Philosophy - maybe from the 1980s? We finally understood the planet is alive, and there was finally an awareness of the sentience of all life, especially including the planet. We are hurting her with our disease. We are hurting all other species...
So we must soften, forgive, wander around lost until we find a new way. Or we must die, we must endure our own extinction so others may live.
Which sacrifice will we make?
And after, all that - I get to turn on music and clean my house!
I love you. I hope you have a peaceful, joyful, balanced weekend with your beautiful family.
Clare
Friday, March 21, 2014
Justice..............
Many, many, many years ago when I counseled breastfeeding mothers, we were taught to let the moms tell their birthing stories as often as they needed to. Someone realized it was the way we assimilated the experience, made it our own. I still like to share my stories occasionally. They were important, they defined me. (I also like to share your second story, where I got involved...)
So I can completely understand why you want to let people, or encourage people, to tell their trauma stories over and over, and from different perspectives, as often as they need to. Just as surrendering to, or enduring, maybe, birthing defined me, so did enduring trauma. Whatever happened certainly shaped who I am and who I continue to be. That may be why not remembering everything make thriving so hard. I am grateful to survive. Then we live with adages like: What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
I don't know - what doesn't kill me teaches me to endure. But endurance may not be a blessing, especially when it is so out of balance. Just "thinking out loud" here.
Thank you for sharing your leading about talking to Dad. It helped me be aware that I have been getting a "message" to reach out to my former sister-in-law. Not sure why, but I'm willing. It will be easier than your assignment.
Our family giggle is definitely a nervous laugh. We all do it. I picked it up with S#4, and then realized we all do it. Maybe it is to deflect perceived threat, a feeling of potential violence ahead. But, my kids don't do it...
With the girls' family, if they are all reeling from a suicide, maybe no one can talk about it. Maybe it is still too raw. I'm grateful they realized she needed someone. Perhaps in healthy families, they are there for each other. But we're not healthy...none of us are in this country! And so she is your wonderful opportunity for connection!
I've been thinking about the swamp as I move wood. I had firewood delivered before we went to the island. I got some of it moved, but I was hoping the young people who stayed here could finish. They got some more in. Then the few warm days melted the snow, followed by a good freeze, and a lot of the wood is frozen to the ground. I go out every afternoon and knock some loose. My wheelbarrow has seen better days, and so hobbling it loaded, back to the house is not always efficient.
As I walked through melting snow to the driveway, and slipped in the top layer of mud, I wondered how many people have frozen swamps. I don't know exactly what it means. But I know we can't do swan dives without breaking our noses! And as I wheeled the loaded barrow back to the house, I thought it was a fine allegory for my life right now. I am making forward progress, but if I had decent equipment and a better manicured lawn, I could make progress. Without that, I'm still slipping around and pushing really hard...
Then I read your comments about justice. And it triggered me. A full time worker at minimum wage earns about $12,000 per year. Not a living wage. And a bigger problem is that more and more people are working part-time, which can be up to 39 hours per week in my state - the company gets to decide what is full-time and what is part-time. Part-time workers don't get any benefits - no vacation, no insurance. It's a godsend for employers who don't want to waste potential profits rightly belonging to share-holders.
Social justice would limit the distance between the highest and lowest salaries. Social justice would see that everyone had medical insurance and time off - some time to rest. They do it in Europe, and the countries are not failing...
I work part-time, available 37.5 hours/week, not counting time it takes to write reports - since my schedule is usually full or almost full, it means I often work overtime...but I only get paid for the hours I work. I made less than $18,000 last year. I feel like I am revealing a big, black secret. I feel shame. I feel like I am not of value. I do not take vacations. I never rest - because if I don't work, I don't get paid. Social justice would be welcome in my family.
Writing this - I want to cry. I should be worth more. Or things should cost less. So, maybe now, seeing that in black and white, and in public - maybe something will change...I am worth more...
I love you...
Clare
So I can completely understand why you want to let people, or encourage people, to tell their trauma stories over and over, and from different perspectives, as often as they need to. Just as surrendering to, or enduring, maybe, birthing defined me, so did enduring trauma. Whatever happened certainly shaped who I am and who I continue to be. That may be why not remembering everything make thriving so hard. I am grateful to survive. Then we live with adages like: What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
I don't know - what doesn't kill me teaches me to endure. But endurance may not be a blessing, especially when it is so out of balance. Just "thinking out loud" here.
Thank you for sharing your leading about talking to Dad. It helped me be aware that I have been getting a "message" to reach out to my former sister-in-law. Not sure why, but I'm willing. It will be easier than your assignment.
Our family giggle is definitely a nervous laugh. We all do it. I picked it up with S#4, and then realized we all do it. Maybe it is to deflect perceived threat, a feeling of potential violence ahead. But, my kids don't do it...
With the girls' family, if they are all reeling from a suicide, maybe no one can talk about it. Maybe it is still too raw. I'm grateful they realized she needed someone. Perhaps in healthy families, they are there for each other. But we're not healthy...none of us are in this country! And so she is your wonderful opportunity for connection!
I've been thinking about the swamp as I move wood. I had firewood delivered before we went to the island. I got some of it moved, but I was hoping the young people who stayed here could finish. They got some more in. Then the few warm days melted the snow, followed by a good freeze, and a lot of the wood is frozen to the ground. I go out every afternoon and knock some loose. My wheelbarrow has seen better days, and so hobbling it loaded, back to the house is not always efficient.
As I walked through melting snow to the driveway, and slipped in the top layer of mud, I wondered how many people have frozen swamps. I don't know exactly what it means. But I know we can't do swan dives without breaking our noses! And as I wheeled the loaded barrow back to the house, I thought it was a fine allegory for my life right now. I am making forward progress, but if I had decent equipment and a better manicured lawn, I could make progress. Without that, I'm still slipping around and pushing really hard...
Then I read your comments about justice. And it triggered me. A full time worker at minimum wage earns about $12,000 per year. Not a living wage. And a bigger problem is that more and more people are working part-time, which can be up to 39 hours per week in my state - the company gets to decide what is full-time and what is part-time. Part-time workers don't get any benefits - no vacation, no insurance. It's a godsend for employers who don't want to waste potential profits rightly belonging to share-holders.
Social justice would limit the distance between the highest and lowest salaries. Social justice would see that everyone had medical insurance and time off - some time to rest. They do it in Europe, and the countries are not failing...
I work part-time, available 37.5 hours/week, not counting time it takes to write reports - since my schedule is usually full or almost full, it means I often work overtime...but I only get paid for the hours I work. I made less than $18,000 last year. I feel like I am revealing a big, black secret. I feel shame. I feel like I am not of value. I do not take vacations. I never rest - because if I don't work, I don't get paid. Social justice would be welcome in my family.
Writing this - I want to cry. I should be worth more. Or things should cost less. So, maybe now, seeing that in black and white, and in public - maybe something will change...I am worth more...
I love you...
Clare
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Reciprocity
We need to face directly, release, and heal from human pain and injustice. We practice facing the truths together, even though they are not packaged to our size, seemingly small and petty or large and overwhelming. We practice releasing emotions physically, sharing our stories, comprehending our feelings and needs, reprocessing human experience, and finding ways to speak out about human tragedy and injustice. We also practice being good listeners and companions for others as they do this work themselves.
Trauma sets in and persists when we are left alone in our pain and injustice; good attention by others is essential for health and health is essential for a centered life. Without public responsibility for and diligence in this, human stress and distress dominate and order our lives and obstruct our individual and collective sense of the divine.
That is really good.
I think that's the guide for my counseling, and for myself…my own healing.
I read yesterday that the opposite of poverty is not wealth…it is justice.
When I think of that, and the above, I realize how poor in spirit most of us are…
most of us crave justice…
and yet we are treated as less than…
Every group, in one way or another, is less than…
Well maybe there are some (particularly powerful, white males) who are not less than.
I am trying to develop a style that allows the person to tell their story of loss and disconnect,
as many times and in as many versions as possible,
until they find a lesson buried in it all.
That's the alchemy…turning our experience into wisdom.
But, the beauty of the above passage is that it calls on many to support and assist others through their pain.
I saw a young woman today, her father committed suicide a few months ago. She is intellectually delayed and is confused, he kissed her on the forehead, said goodbye buddy, drove away and killed himself. Her church is not sure what to do. The family is struggling to keep it together. She wants to know if he's in heaven. He appears in her dreams, so I suggested she ask him where he's at the next time he shows up in a dream. She seemed to find comfort in that. She reminded me of some of our siblings, smiling and giggling inappropriately while telling a horrendous tale. She came in because she just wants to talk to someone. Where is her community? Who is responsible for helping her work through this pain? Why do humans disappear when we are needed the most, when we have a wonderful opportunity for connection?
I am glad that you are connecting with your son and his family. Healing the past is always good, even if the pain was unintentional. The healing will go both ways…you will g=benefit as much as they will- it's a beautiful, reciprocity.
I love you,
Wishing you Love and Light,
Maggie
Trauma sets in and persists when we are left alone in our pain and injustice; good attention by others is essential for health and health is essential for a centered life. Without public responsibility for and diligence in this, human stress and distress dominate and order our lives and obstruct our individual and collective sense of the divine.
That is really good.
I think that's the guide for my counseling, and for myself…my own healing.
I read yesterday that the opposite of poverty is not wealth…it is justice.
When I think of that, and the above, I realize how poor in spirit most of us are…
most of us crave justice…
and yet we are treated as less than…
Every group, in one way or another, is less than…
Well maybe there are some (particularly powerful, white males) who are not less than.
I am trying to develop a style that allows the person to tell their story of loss and disconnect,
as many times and in as many versions as possible,
until they find a lesson buried in it all.
That's the alchemy…turning our experience into wisdom.
But, the beauty of the above passage is that it calls on many to support and assist others through their pain.
I saw a young woman today, her father committed suicide a few months ago. She is intellectually delayed and is confused, he kissed her on the forehead, said goodbye buddy, drove away and killed himself. Her church is not sure what to do. The family is struggling to keep it together. She wants to know if he's in heaven. He appears in her dreams, so I suggested she ask him where he's at the next time he shows up in a dream. She seemed to find comfort in that. She reminded me of some of our siblings, smiling and giggling inappropriately while telling a horrendous tale. She came in because she just wants to talk to someone. Where is her community? Who is responsible for helping her work through this pain? Why do humans disappear when we are needed the most, when we have a wonderful opportunity for connection?
I am glad that you are connecting with your son and his family. Healing the past is always good, even if the pain was unintentional. The healing will go both ways…you will g=benefit as much as they will- it's a beautiful, reciprocity.
I love you,
Wishing you Love and Light,
Maggie
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Divinely
I feel the difference too. I am really working on the idea of forgiveness, the concept of forgiveness, and how to apply it to myself, I am still wicked to myself. But somehow I sense it is gentling. I hope it does. I am so tired of carrying this self-loathing.
Not to be mean, but I am so glad you got the leading to go to Dad. I feel like I escaped that bullet! Of course, that does not mean I am off the hook. It could happen to me, also! But so far, I'm good.
You said we are doing a swan dive into the swamp. It is much more graceful than what I got. I had a sensation that we are surrendering to the swamp. It is there, we can't avoid it. It affects us. It's effects are stronger when we pretend it is not there. So we surrender...yep, we have a swamp all around us, and sometimes it doesn't smell very nice. But it's our swamp, and we're cleaning it as fast as is healthy! Maybe we'll never get it perfectly cleaned and manicured, but that's okay. It's better every day.
When I talked to my son in the middle of the night, he was soft. He was ready to surrender. The timing was right and I thank the Divine that I was able to touch his Spirit at that moment. I was allowed to be part of the miracle of healing. But it's just the start for them. I hope they find courage. They are taking steps into the Light and finding it is okay. They are loved, flaws and all.
There's something to the softness. I have talked to others, and when they reached that point of vulnerability, they became hard. They deflected, blamed others, hid, pushed me away. They were still afraid. But we can feel softness, vulnerability, a readiness to trust, to be loved, to be seen.
I talked to S#3 last night. She seems softer too, more present. I am happy. It relieves my fear that we could lose her - either to her own hand or to succumbing to asthma - just giving up.
My copy of our Yearly Meeting monthly newspaper, and a well-known Friend, Nadine Hoover, wrote something very powerful I wanted to share with you.
This the second of three steps to healing as being practiced in her work in Indonesia...
We need to face directly, release, and heal from human pain and injustice. We practice facing the truths together, even though they are not packaged to our size, seemingly small and petty or large and overwhelming. We practice releasing emotions physically, sharing our stories, comprehending our feelings and needs, reprocessing human experience, and finding ways to speak out about human tragedy and injustice. We also practice being good listeners and companions for others as they do this work themselves.
Trauma sets in and persists when we are left alone in our pain and injustice; good attention by others is essential for health and health is essential for a centered life. Without public responsibility for and diligence in this, human stress and distress dominate and order our lives and obstruct our individual and collective sense of the divine.
I think perhaps we were learning to be companions during that time we spent on the beach. I think I need to learn to stop and listen just a little bit more, but I think we were there for each other. I think we did create a safe healing space.
Oh, and thanks to you, I have an earworm! That "It's quarter after one and I'm all alone and I need you now..." song is STILL stuck in my brain, going round and round and round. And I don't know the words, so it's just the chorus!!
Divinely,
Clare (who loves you)
PS -I think when people hear your story, they hear what applies to them. They hear what makes sense. They take as much as they can handle. Later, there will be more.
And your sons have years to go before the onset of adult thinking. Until then, you get to hold on to two young men who are certain they are immortal and nothing bad could ever happen to them. But they hear you, listen to you more than they would like to admit...just noticing from the outside...
Not to be mean, but I am so glad you got the leading to go to Dad. I feel like I escaped that bullet! Of course, that does not mean I am off the hook. It could happen to me, also! But so far, I'm good.
You said we are doing a swan dive into the swamp. It is much more graceful than what I got. I had a sensation that we are surrendering to the swamp. It is there, we can't avoid it. It affects us. It's effects are stronger when we pretend it is not there. So we surrender...yep, we have a swamp all around us, and sometimes it doesn't smell very nice. But it's our swamp, and we're cleaning it as fast as is healthy! Maybe we'll never get it perfectly cleaned and manicured, but that's okay. It's better every day.
When I talked to my son in the middle of the night, he was soft. He was ready to surrender. The timing was right and I thank the Divine that I was able to touch his Spirit at that moment. I was allowed to be part of the miracle of healing. But it's just the start for them. I hope they find courage. They are taking steps into the Light and finding it is okay. They are loved, flaws and all.
There's something to the softness. I have talked to others, and when they reached that point of vulnerability, they became hard. They deflected, blamed others, hid, pushed me away. They were still afraid. But we can feel softness, vulnerability, a readiness to trust, to be loved, to be seen.
I talked to S#3 last night. She seems softer too, more present. I am happy. It relieves my fear that we could lose her - either to her own hand or to succumbing to asthma - just giving up.
My copy of our Yearly Meeting monthly newspaper, and a well-known Friend, Nadine Hoover, wrote something very powerful I wanted to share with you.
This the second of three steps to healing as being practiced in her work in Indonesia...
We need to face directly, release, and heal from human pain and injustice. We practice facing the truths together, even though they are not packaged to our size, seemingly small and petty or large and overwhelming. We practice releasing emotions physically, sharing our stories, comprehending our feelings and needs, reprocessing human experience, and finding ways to speak out about human tragedy and injustice. We also practice being good listeners and companions for others as they do this work themselves.
Trauma sets in and persists when we are left alone in our pain and injustice; good attention by others is essential for health and health is essential for a centered life. Without public responsibility for and diligence in this, human stress and distress dominate and order our lives and obstruct our individual and collective sense of the divine.
I think perhaps we were learning to be companions during that time we spent on the beach. I think I need to learn to stop and listen just a little bit more, but I think we were there for each other. I think we did create a safe healing space.
Oh, and thanks to you, I have an earworm! That "It's quarter after one and I'm all alone and I need you now..." song is STILL stuck in my brain, going round and round and round. And I don't know the words, so it's just the chorus!!
Divinely,
Clare (who loves you)
PS -I think when people hear your story, they hear what applies to them. They hear what makes sense. They take as much as they can handle. Later, there will be more.
And your sons have years to go before the onset of adult thinking. Until then, you get to hold on to two young men who are certain they are immortal and nothing bad could ever happen to them. But they hear you, listen to you more than they would like to admit...just noticing from the outside...
Swan dive back into the swamp…what an opportunity
It is interesting…
before the weekend retreat we were back at the surface…
things were calm, with a few minor waves from our children…
but we submerged the the family of origin stuff back into the swamp…
there, but not accessible…
or readily accessible.
Perhaps we needed a break…
or a period of calm…
because it feels as if the storm is back upon us.
But it feels different.
It's more like choosing to swan dive back into the swamp...
Interestingly enough it's being fanned by our own sons.
One of the most impressive things that has happened to me, following the weekend away is that I am more open and trusting. I feel it in my bones. I feel as if I really have at least the two of you at my back. That is something that I don't think I appreciated before we laughed, sang and cried together.
The Reiki healer was surprised and said that she picked up minimal distrust- that is a first!
I feel as if the pain and cruelty that has been the family legacy is shifting. Even our being more conscious of pain and compassionate towards others testifies to that. Your late night, or any time of the day, discussions with your son (or any one of your children) attests to that. You are willing to let yourself be seen, maybe not fully naked, but little by little, you are showing yourself.
I often wonder what people hear when I tell them my story…
revealing truths that haunt and, at times, paralyze me.
I wonder if I am giving them bits and pieces, the most salient parts, in my mind, but leaving them wondering what the gaps are. Does that make sense?
For example, over the holidays my youngest and I were discussing my parenting, his disapproval of my "psychotic control", and it escalated into a loud discussion. I blurted out that at least he is part of a family that loves and respects him enough to not hurt him when things get tough, and a family that cares what happens to him. I told him that I had been treated like garbage by my family and that no one cared to see my struggles, or ask me why I was unhappy. He walked away.
I know that he cannot have full comprehension, it's not his story to own…but does he understand?
Probably not, because last night he was once again making demands to be able to go out with anyone he chooses.
All I ask is that we meet them, get to know them a little…
he told me that everyone thinks I am psycho and no one wants to hang out here. Luckily my sense of self is strong enough to handle the assault, but it does hurt.
I am being bombarded with anger and male energy…
it is definitely my time to learn to stand up to it…
not shrink away and pretend I am invisible. As much as I hate the day to day struggles with my sons I am being offered a remarkable opportunity to heal something deep. They are pulling me back into the swamp to do some more work.
The young men in my practice are offering a similar opportunity…
but from a different perspective…
I can be emotionally removed from them…
their outcomes are important to me, but won't make or break my life…
at least I don't think so.
The family history of violence has set the stage for this journey…
forgiveness is the goal.
I can hear it calling to me.
I am desperately trying to ignore this, but I am being led to meet with Dad…
to tell him my story and to hear his…
and to see where that leads me.
I am hit with this every morning since we returned from NC…
since the Reiki healer said the word 'forgiveness'.
I am tentatively planning on early summer…
when I can come and go with more freedom…
that's as much as I have planned…
and believe me, I am looking for excuses to get out of this assignment.
It's interesting, I am still thinking about the mixture of genealogy, genetics, environment, past lives, Karma, astrology…it is amazing that we are such complex beings…I've been thinking how incredible it is that we have European ancestors, but then back to the tribes of Israel…and yet we had an early Roman past life…even that offers a more expansive view of humans and the world.
We have been placed in a remarkable situation…
to have this life (lives) at this time with all of that supporting and molding us…
and our mission is simple - forgiveness.
How powerful forgiveness must truly be.
Love and Light to you and your family,
Maggie
before the weekend retreat we were back at the surface…
things were calm, with a few minor waves from our children…
but we submerged the the family of origin stuff back into the swamp…
there, but not accessible…
or readily accessible.
Perhaps we needed a break…
or a period of calm…
because it feels as if the storm is back upon us.
But it feels different.
It's more like choosing to swan dive back into the swamp...
Interestingly enough it's being fanned by our own sons.
One of the most impressive things that has happened to me, following the weekend away is that I am more open and trusting. I feel it in my bones. I feel as if I really have at least the two of you at my back. That is something that I don't think I appreciated before we laughed, sang and cried together.
The Reiki healer was surprised and said that she picked up minimal distrust- that is a first!
I feel as if the pain and cruelty that has been the family legacy is shifting. Even our being more conscious of pain and compassionate towards others testifies to that. Your late night, or any time of the day, discussions with your son (or any one of your children) attests to that. You are willing to let yourself be seen, maybe not fully naked, but little by little, you are showing yourself.
I often wonder what people hear when I tell them my story…
revealing truths that haunt and, at times, paralyze me.
I wonder if I am giving them bits and pieces, the most salient parts, in my mind, but leaving them wondering what the gaps are. Does that make sense?
For example, over the holidays my youngest and I were discussing my parenting, his disapproval of my "psychotic control", and it escalated into a loud discussion. I blurted out that at least he is part of a family that loves and respects him enough to not hurt him when things get tough, and a family that cares what happens to him. I told him that I had been treated like garbage by my family and that no one cared to see my struggles, or ask me why I was unhappy. He walked away.
I know that he cannot have full comprehension, it's not his story to own…but does he understand?
Probably not, because last night he was once again making demands to be able to go out with anyone he chooses.
All I ask is that we meet them, get to know them a little…
he told me that everyone thinks I am psycho and no one wants to hang out here. Luckily my sense of self is strong enough to handle the assault, but it does hurt.
I am being bombarded with anger and male energy…
it is definitely my time to learn to stand up to it…
not shrink away and pretend I am invisible. As much as I hate the day to day struggles with my sons I am being offered a remarkable opportunity to heal something deep. They are pulling me back into the swamp to do some more work.
The young men in my practice are offering a similar opportunity…
but from a different perspective…
I can be emotionally removed from them…
their outcomes are important to me, but won't make or break my life…
at least I don't think so.
The family history of violence has set the stage for this journey…
forgiveness is the goal.
I can hear it calling to me.
I am desperately trying to ignore this, but I am being led to meet with Dad…
to tell him my story and to hear his…
and to see where that leads me.
I am hit with this every morning since we returned from NC…
since the Reiki healer said the word 'forgiveness'.
I am tentatively planning on early summer…
when I can come and go with more freedom…
that's as much as I have planned…
and believe me, I am looking for excuses to get out of this assignment.
It's interesting, I am still thinking about the mixture of genealogy, genetics, environment, past lives, Karma, astrology…it is amazing that we are such complex beings…I've been thinking how incredible it is that we have European ancestors, but then back to the tribes of Israel…and yet we had an early Roman past life…even that offers a more expansive view of humans and the world.
We have been placed in a remarkable situation…
to have this life (lives) at this time with all of that supporting and molding us…
and our mission is simple - forgiveness.
How powerful forgiveness must truly be.
Love and Light to you and your family,
Maggie
Monday, March 17, 2014
Passive?
I worked with a then-friend years ago who was completing her hypnosis certification. I was "under" and she was taking me back through our family, and we got slime, too. I had the impression that the slime edged it's way in a long, long time ago. But I feel relieved when someone else gets the same impression. It validates my weird.
The information about Dad's family feels right. The oldest brother always frightened me. I was blowing up a balloon once and he pushed his cigarette into it to pop it in my face. I was shocked, because I didn't expect it. When I looked at him, he was laughing, and his eyes were evil. He looked downright mean. I remember Grandma talking about how mean he was once. During the depression, unemployed men helped build new roads. While they were working nearby, our uncle used to throw apples and stones at them. "Just mean." I remember her saying that, and shaking her head.
But we know mean is created by mean. He was abused by someone who was abused. It had to have happened to him.
Even though they are dead, I am sorry that Grandma was abused. I am haunted by a photo of her and her family. She was about 13 years old. She is looking at the camera, but it's like she's not there. Like she is hiding. It seemed like that for most of her life. She was kind and loved to help, but she stood aside, and hid. I see me in her, or I see her in me. I don't want that...Physically present, yet removed.
I hope you two can sort through Mom's family soon. All of that trauma is hidden under layers of nicer and more educated. It intrigues me...(hint, hint...)
I was up in the middle of the night again last night, with thoughts racing. I keep coming back to the way we learn we are unloveable when we are very, very young. Then we spend the rest of our lives proving our parents were right. I thought about couples hurting each other, trying to find the limit - that point where someone gives up on you, proving, once again - you're not loveable.
I had that going on in my marriage. But it was easy for me. When push came to shove and I delivered the ultimatum, - family or alcohol, he left. It was so easy to see that I was not worthy of love. Logically, I know, I know...but emotionally, psychologically - I'm not loveable. I wonder if I will ever have a grand romance in this life. Will anyone ever be passionate about me. Or will they just stick around as long as it is easy and I don't interfere with their numbing process.
Not trying to be pathetic, just trying to analyze what is happening in the middle of the night. Once it is on paper, and public - it loses some power. It loses the skewed vision necessary to maintain the pretense!!
And let's see what tonight brings...
Love to you and yours,
The information about Dad's family feels right. The oldest brother always frightened me. I was blowing up a balloon once and he pushed his cigarette into it to pop it in my face. I was shocked, because I didn't expect it. When I looked at him, he was laughing, and his eyes were evil. He looked downright mean. I remember Grandma talking about how mean he was once. During the depression, unemployed men helped build new roads. While they were working nearby, our uncle used to throw apples and stones at them. "Just mean." I remember her saying that, and shaking her head.
But we know mean is created by mean. He was abused by someone who was abused. It had to have happened to him.
Even though they are dead, I am sorry that Grandma was abused. I am haunted by a photo of her and her family. She was about 13 years old. She is looking at the camera, but it's like she's not there. Like she is hiding. It seemed like that for most of her life. She was kind and loved to help, but she stood aside, and hid. I see me in her, or I see her in me. I don't want that...Physically present, yet removed.
I hope you two can sort through Mom's family soon. All of that trauma is hidden under layers of nicer and more educated. It intrigues me...(hint, hint...)
I was up in the middle of the night again last night, with thoughts racing. I keep coming back to the way we learn we are unloveable when we are very, very young. Then we spend the rest of our lives proving our parents were right. I thought about couples hurting each other, trying to find the limit - that point where someone gives up on you, proving, once again - you're not loveable.
I had that going on in my marriage. But it was easy for me. When push came to shove and I delivered the ultimatum, - family or alcohol, he left. It was so easy to see that I was not worthy of love. Logically, I know, I know...but emotionally, psychologically - I'm not loveable. I wonder if I will ever have a grand romance in this life. Will anyone ever be passionate about me. Or will they just stick around as long as it is easy and I don't interfere with their numbing process.
Not trying to be pathetic, just trying to analyze what is happening in the middle of the night. Once it is on paper, and public - it loses some power. It loses the skewed vision necessary to maintain the pretense!!
And let's see what tonight brings...
Love to you and yours,
It felt slimy
Clare,
I had an interesting day.
I visited my Reiki healer/friend, she asked about you and S#3…she sends her best.
We talked for almost 2 hours today. It was amazing.
We broached the subject of the abuse…
and the previous generations of abuse…
So she looked at Dad and his brothers, parents and grandparents…
she said it was horribly violent for at least 3 generations before him…
and, believe it or not got slightly better with each one.
She told me that our grandfather abused grandma…
to the point that she had scars that she never showed, and treated her like a servant.
She agreed that he regularly hit his kids, many times without provocation or explanation.
I asked her if he ever abused me and she avoided that answer…
I told her about the way he would stroke my palm and call me "his chickadee"…
making me uncomfortable…
but she didn't answer the question.
I told her our theory on the abuse being male perpetrated on male…
she asked Dad's brother's names…
When I said the oldest uncle's name…
she physically wretched…
I was hit with an incredible wave of nausea and tears…
all she could say was "yuck".
She looked me in the eye and said that he used objects to penetrate…and that the victim was Dad.
She didn't have much about the other brother…
but felt he was involved in the perpetration but maybe had both roles.
She would not confirm that our theory about our older brothers' victimization…
leading to my/our victimization…
but she conveyed a sense that it is true.
She responded very strongly to both our grandfather's name and the oldest uncle's name…
very negatively…
YUCK.
It felt slimy
It felt dirty
I felt ill
But I feel as if we understand and can stop the violence and start the long process of forgiveness.
That's our role in this lifetime…to forgive.
I want to respond to your post 2 days ago…it was powerful…but I've been caught up in my own drama…
tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I had an interesting day.
I visited my Reiki healer/friend, she asked about you and S#3…she sends her best.
We talked for almost 2 hours today. It was amazing.
We broached the subject of the abuse…
and the previous generations of abuse…
So she looked at Dad and his brothers, parents and grandparents…
she said it was horribly violent for at least 3 generations before him…
and, believe it or not got slightly better with each one.
She told me that our grandfather abused grandma…
to the point that she had scars that she never showed, and treated her like a servant.
She agreed that he regularly hit his kids, many times without provocation or explanation.
I asked her if he ever abused me and she avoided that answer…
I told her about the way he would stroke my palm and call me "his chickadee"…
making me uncomfortable…
but she didn't answer the question.
I told her our theory on the abuse being male perpetrated on male…
she asked Dad's brother's names…
When I said the oldest uncle's name…
she physically wretched…
I was hit with an incredible wave of nausea and tears…
all she could say was "yuck".
She looked me in the eye and said that he used objects to penetrate…and that the victim was Dad.
She didn't have much about the other brother…
but felt he was involved in the perpetration but maybe had both roles.
She would not confirm that our theory about our older brothers' victimization…
leading to my/our victimization…
but she conveyed a sense that it is true.
She responded very strongly to both our grandfather's name and the oldest uncle's name…
very negatively…
YUCK.
It felt slimy
It felt dirty
I felt ill
But I feel as if we understand and can stop the violence and start the long process of forgiveness.
That's our role in this lifetime…to forgive.
I want to respond to your post 2 days ago…it was powerful…but I've been caught up in my own drama…
tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Sunday, March 16, 2014
MIA
Clare,
Sorry, I had one son MIA yesterday. He slept at a friend's on Friday and then kept putting off coming home, eventually he says his phone battery died while at a movie and then didn't come home because it was after 11…but I think there may be more to it.
Anyway, I sewed all weekend. I am working on the costumes for the pilot. It was going great until about an hour ago…I cut into the sleeve while trimming the seams..and then was trying to cover the mistake…I finally put it away…I will think about it tomorrow.
I am blank today. I had a great conversation at Meeting today…with a woman who has also recently started counseling…she is feeling the drain…we talked about the need to clear after each client. I shared some of the ideas my Reiki friend has taught me.
I will check in tomorrow... enjoy the peace and solitude.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Sorry, I had one son MIA yesterday. He slept at a friend's on Friday and then kept putting off coming home, eventually he says his phone battery died while at a movie and then didn't come home because it was after 11…but I think there may be more to it.
Anyway, I sewed all weekend. I am working on the costumes for the pilot. It was going great until about an hour ago…I cut into the sleeve while trimming the seams..and then was trying to cover the mistake…I finally put it away…I will think about it tomorrow.
I am blank today. I had a great conversation at Meeting today…with a woman who has also recently started counseling…she is feeling the drain…we talked about the need to clear after each client. I shared some of the ideas my Reiki friend has taught me.
I will check in tomorrow... enjoy the peace and solitude.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Night-night...
Checking in. When you are absent for a few days, I miss you. But I also worry about your sons. I hope you are having a relaxed family weekend.
With my youngest away, and the weather being bad, I spent the day alone. I used to be good at this. I will be good at this again, but today I was kind of at a loss. I made a mental list this morning of what I would like to get done. I did that. There were other things I could have done. I didn't do that.
I had friends here for dinner last night, so the house is clean. It was nice to sit and talk for hours. I don't know - I'm kind of at loose ends here.
Work starts early tomorrow. Life will be back to normal.
Checked in with the out-west kids. It still raw. I am so afraid of overstepping my bounds. I just want to get this right, to love them enough that they find their way to healing. I want to help stop the slime from oozing unto the next generations.
Hope to see you here soon.
Taking care of dogs, then off to bed early. I have the Barbara Kingsolver book you recommended here...
Love and hugs...
Clare
With my youngest away, and the weather being bad, I spent the day alone. I used to be good at this. I will be good at this again, but today I was kind of at a loss. I made a mental list this morning of what I would like to get done. I did that. There were other things I could have done. I didn't do that.
I had friends here for dinner last night, so the house is clean. It was nice to sit and talk for hours. I don't know - I'm kind of at loose ends here.
Work starts early tomorrow. Life will be back to normal.
Checked in with the out-west kids. It still raw. I am so afraid of overstepping my bounds. I just want to get this right, to love them enough that they find their way to healing. I want to help stop the slime from oozing unto the next generations.
Hope to see you here soon.
Taking care of dogs, then off to bed early. I have the Barbara Kingsolver book you recommended here...
Love and hugs...
Clare
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Analysis continues, of course
I'm back...still a roil of thoughts...
My oldest son was a dinosaur-freak when he was about 6. Everything was dinosaurs. Even I knew all of their names. Once a man came from the Smithsonian, I believe, to do a lecture on dinosaurs. Of course we had to go. Eyes rolled when I walked in with a 2, 4, 6 and an 8 year old. But they were perfect.
The speaker began by telling us that the Earth is a tropical planet. If we look at the whole geological history, it is unusual for there to be any ice on the planet...
Later I saw a book that speculated that humans changed when the ice age started. Our species lost faith with Mother Earth. Maybe that was the beginning of our species' lack of connection...never considered that before.
What comes to me is that reliability is possibly the most important characteristic in a parent. It is what teaches children they are safe.
While I spoke to my son last night, I laid out the ways I was unreliable. I would have stretches of good mommy, and I was good. But it would be interrupted by periods of rage. Thinking back, it had nothing to do with the kids, who took the brunt, but a lot to do with their dad, who I didn't believe really loved me. Maybe I couldn't accept my kids' love, knowing that I was unloveable - and so I made it true. Maybe for kids from violent homes, no amount of love is ever enough.
And then I remembered the hurt and confusion we got from Dad. One day we were good. The next day, doing the exact same things, we were the most horrible children possible.
I did that to my kids. I taught them that love is not reliable, Mom is not reliable, the world is not reliable, and it doesn't matter what you do - sometimes love just disappears...
And now they are doing it to their kids.....
I have a lot to do today, but I'll probably be thinking the whole time.
Sending love,
Clare
My oldest son was a dinosaur-freak when he was about 6. Everything was dinosaurs. Even I knew all of their names. Once a man came from the Smithsonian, I believe, to do a lecture on dinosaurs. Of course we had to go. Eyes rolled when I walked in with a 2, 4, 6 and an 8 year old. But they were perfect.
The speaker began by telling us that the Earth is a tropical planet. If we look at the whole geological history, it is unusual for there to be any ice on the planet...
Later I saw a book that speculated that humans changed when the ice age started. Our species lost faith with Mother Earth. Maybe that was the beginning of our species' lack of connection...never considered that before.
What comes to me is that reliability is possibly the most important characteristic in a parent. It is what teaches children they are safe.
While I spoke to my son last night, I laid out the ways I was unreliable. I would have stretches of good mommy, and I was good. But it would be interrupted by periods of rage. Thinking back, it had nothing to do with the kids, who took the brunt, but a lot to do with their dad, who I didn't believe really loved me. Maybe I couldn't accept my kids' love, knowing that I was unloveable - and so I made it true. Maybe for kids from violent homes, no amount of love is ever enough.
And then I remembered the hurt and confusion we got from Dad. One day we were good. The next day, doing the exact same things, we were the most horrible children possible.
I did that to my kids. I taught them that love is not reliable, Mom is not reliable, the world is not reliable, and it doesn't matter what you do - sometimes love just disappears...
And now they are doing it to their kids.....
I have a lot to do today, but I'll probably be thinking the whole time.
Sending love,
Clare
Middle of the night healing...
Being ripped out of sleep in the middle of the night - it's never good...But even so, I am grateful.
It's 3:15 am. I just got off the phone with my son. Well, someone's battery died and the call ended...either that or I was boring him by talking a little about what is going on with his sister.
You know he fell off the porch and dislocated his shoulder last weekend. It has led to a hard week, instead of a healing week. And circumstances allowed me in. I called, he answered and we really talked.
I hope this is a first step. I remember how I felt when I let someone see what was going on in my private world and still accepted me, and offered me the gift - Me too! I discovered I was not a monster, just a damaged human in pain. I had a chance to tell my son how much I love him, no matter what. I think he heard me, I think he felt it, I think he believes me.
I remember when a friend "intruded" and told me I was going to go to Al-Anon. It took a few weeks to get up my courage - but I made it. I had the courage to walk through that door. I hope this next generation has the same courage...
...because I love them both so much. They want to be loved so much. And they are both carrying so much pain. And part of that is my fault, is Dad's fault, is Pop's fault, is Bridgie's fault - you know I can continue naming generations for awhile!
One of the meditations I have been doing nightly is to draw my children, then their beloveds, and then their children into a group, connected by orange chakra- community, by blue chakra - communication, and by green chakra - love. I am opening way to create a connected family, I hope. After our generation's sister weekend on the beach, and the healing and acceptance that happened there. I know more firmly, more experientially, how much we need each other. We all have friends who are important, but those who share history and heredity, we "get" each other on a deeper level.
I am tired, but alert. I am thinking about how amazing each is - my five miracles. I know we all came together to break this cycle of abuse that has gone on maybe for millennia. But right now, I am treasuring my oldest son in my heart. He is so funny and easy going, charming and quiet, he wants to help, he stands up for people. He is amazing. He has endured so much...It comes to me that perhaps tonight was aided by my request to your healer - to send healing to this son. Please tell her I honor her and she has my gratitude.
Now I will try to get back to sleep...
Love and hugs in the dark, beneath a clouded moon,
Clare
It's 3:15 am. I just got off the phone with my son. Well, someone's battery died and the call ended...either that or I was boring him by talking a little about what is going on with his sister.
You know he fell off the porch and dislocated his shoulder last weekend. It has led to a hard week, instead of a healing week. And circumstances allowed me in. I called, he answered and we really talked.
I hope this is a first step. I remember how I felt when I let someone see what was going on in my private world and still accepted me, and offered me the gift - Me too! I discovered I was not a monster, just a damaged human in pain. I had a chance to tell my son how much I love him, no matter what. I think he heard me, I think he felt it, I think he believes me.
I remember when a friend "intruded" and told me I was going to go to Al-Anon. It took a few weeks to get up my courage - but I made it. I had the courage to walk through that door. I hope this next generation has the same courage...
...because I love them both so much. They want to be loved so much. And they are both carrying so much pain. And part of that is my fault, is Dad's fault, is Pop's fault, is Bridgie's fault - you know I can continue naming generations for awhile!
One of the meditations I have been doing nightly is to draw my children, then their beloveds, and then their children into a group, connected by orange chakra- community, by blue chakra - communication, and by green chakra - love. I am opening way to create a connected family, I hope. After our generation's sister weekend on the beach, and the healing and acceptance that happened there. I know more firmly, more experientially, how much we need each other. We all have friends who are important, but those who share history and heredity, we "get" each other on a deeper level.
I am tired, but alert. I am thinking about how amazing each is - my five miracles. I know we all came together to break this cycle of abuse that has gone on maybe for millennia. But right now, I am treasuring my oldest son in my heart. He is so funny and easy going, charming and quiet, he wants to help, he stands up for people. He is amazing. He has endured so much...It comes to me that perhaps tonight was aided by my request to your healer - to send healing to this son. Please tell her I honor her and she has my gratitude.
Now I will try to get back to sleep...
Love and hugs in the dark, beneath a clouded moon,
Clare
Friday, March 14, 2014
Poking at forgiveness
Still turning this over and over, and poking at it - this forgiveness thing. I don't know if I can explain this, but I am going to try.
When we are born, we are perfect (well, until the Catholic gets a hold of us and announces that we are covered in sin) and we deserve to be welcome and tended and adored. This is the gift of being human, the promise, maybe. We get to be adored just because we are. I mean, I see so many people stop and coo to my grandchildren - just because. They're cute, they're beautiful, they're here.
It is in our genes to expect that, to expect to be treated like a baby.
When we are neglected, when we are yelled at, called names, not fed, not rocked or cuddled - and even worse - when we are tortured, abused, raped - something inside can only realize that we are not good. If we were good, we would be loveable. And so, armed with this knowledge that we are not good - we set out to prove that it's true. We prove that we are not good, and the adults around us were right to treat us badly.
It seems like this could be the basis of so many seemingly bad choices.......
And I have been thinking about something I think S#3 said, although it may have been you. Someone said that forgiveness was withholding grace from someone else...maybe. I don't have the words quite right. But what I have been thinking is that I have almost separated out the bad parts of myself, and I am withholding forgiveness from that part of myself. Feels a little schizophrenic. It takes a lot of effort to keep part of myself separate, so much so that I can't go forward. And I'm not really separate, despite the time and effort I waste trying to believe it.
I will keep thinking about this. I know it is important. And I will do my analysis until I hit "aha!"
I got to tell my granddaughter about singing to the dolphin today. She was enamored. We looked up the island on line and she was thrilled and asked a lot of questions. It was fun to have just her.
I had another strand of thoughts, actually while we were away. It came to me that B#2, B#4, S#3 and I all have rather unstable lives. We don't have enduring relationships and/or homes. B#1, B#3, S#5 and you all have more stability. I can't decide about S#4... I wondered why. Was there something different for us, or do we simply have different temperments?
And lastly - I had a dream last night. I invited a few family members over for a birthday dinner - I think for my son. I bought some chicken, and knew I needed to get it in the oven. People started showing up - a lot of people. I didn't have the chicken in the oven, and I didn't have enough food for everyone. I was thinking I would just have to order pizza and wings. I walked into - maybe the living room, and there were mice around the room. Two of them were copulating, and my ex reached down and tried to grab them to throw them out of the door. He killed one of them. I woke up confused, wondering if this was like one of those Biblical dreams that Joseph analyzed for Pharoah...
Thinking....and sending love...enjoy your daughters, and your whole family -
Clare
When we are born, we are perfect (well, until the Catholic gets a hold of us and announces that we are covered in sin) and we deserve to be welcome and tended and adored. This is the gift of being human, the promise, maybe. We get to be adored just because we are. I mean, I see so many people stop and coo to my grandchildren - just because. They're cute, they're beautiful, they're here.
It is in our genes to expect that, to expect to be treated like a baby.
When we are neglected, when we are yelled at, called names, not fed, not rocked or cuddled - and even worse - when we are tortured, abused, raped - something inside can only realize that we are not good. If we were good, we would be loveable. And so, armed with this knowledge that we are not good - we set out to prove that it's true. We prove that we are not good, and the adults around us were right to treat us badly.
It seems like this could be the basis of so many seemingly bad choices.......
And I have been thinking about something I think S#3 said, although it may have been you. Someone said that forgiveness was withholding grace from someone else...maybe. I don't have the words quite right. But what I have been thinking is that I have almost separated out the bad parts of myself, and I am withholding forgiveness from that part of myself. Feels a little schizophrenic. It takes a lot of effort to keep part of myself separate, so much so that I can't go forward. And I'm not really separate, despite the time and effort I waste trying to believe it.
I will keep thinking about this. I know it is important. And I will do my analysis until I hit "aha!"
I got to tell my granddaughter about singing to the dolphin today. She was enamored. We looked up the island on line and she was thrilled and asked a lot of questions. It was fun to have just her.
I had another strand of thoughts, actually while we were away. It came to me that B#2, B#4, S#3 and I all have rather unstable lives. We don't have enduring relationships and/or homes. B#1, B#3, S#5 and you all have more stability. I can't decide about S#4... I wondered why. Was there something different for us, or do we simply have different temperments?
And lastly - I had a dream last night. I invited a few family members over for a birthday dinner - I think for my son. I bought some chicken, and knew I needed to get it in the oven. People started showing up - a lot of people. I didn't have the chicken in the oven, and I didn't have enough food for everyone. I was thinking I would just have to order pizza and wings. I walked into - maybe the living room, and there were mice around the room. Two of them were copulating, and my ex reached down and tried to grab them to throw them out of the door. He killed one of them. I woke up confused, wondering if this was like one of those Biblical dreams that Joseph analyzed for Pharoah...
Thinking....and sending love...enjoy your daughters, and your whole family -
Clare
Black and white is just easier
Clare,
That was a wonderful examination of self…
Great insights.
It's important to identify where we are so that we can find direction…
we all need direction.
One of the things that stands out is you asking yourself what you gain from withholding forgiveness from yourself…
one of the points I make with people is that everything we do has costs and benefits…
you identified how the withholding costs you…holding you back, stunting your growth.
But it is difficult to focus on how we benefit from it.
Looking at both sides makes us uncomfortable, because we want black and white…
it's easier…
I did evolve through the Catholic faith, didn't I?
I went from Joan of Arc to John of the Cross to Mary Magdelene and the gnostics.
Sometimes I wonder what I was doing all of this time…
I explored many different aspects of faith…
I do understand that I am where I am supposed to be…
and I got here by the right path…
there is no wrong path.
I met with a psychotherapist today who has agreed to supervise/guide me…
I asked him if there was anything I should start reading…
he told me he uses a lot of Buddhist principles…
but we will take it as it comes.
I think I'm going to like this.
I am tired…
so glad it is the weekend.
The girls will both be here this weekend and then they return to school.
I am going to stay close to home and just enjoy all of them.
Love and Light,
Maggie
That was a wonderful examination of self…
Great insights.
It's important to identify where we are so that we can find direction…
we all need direction.
One of the things that stands out is you asking yourself what you gain from withholding forgiveness from yourself…
one of the points I make with people is that everything we do has costs and benefits…
you identified how the withholding costs you…holding you back, stunting your growth.
But it is difficult to focus on how we benefit from it.
Looking at both sides makes us uncomfortable, because we want black and white…
it's easier…
I did evolve through the Catholic faith, didn't I?
I went from Joan of Arc to John of the Cross to Mary Magdelene and the gnostics.
Sometimes I wonder what I was doing all of this time…
I explored many different aspects of faith…
I do understand that I am where I am supposed to be…
and I got here by the right path…
there is no wrong path.
I met with a psychotherapist today who has agreed to supervise/guide me…
I asked him if there was anything I should start reading…
he told me he uses a lot of Buddhist principles…
but we will take it as it comes.
I think I'm going to like this.
I am tired…
so glad it is the weekend.
The girls will both be here this weekend and then they return to school.
I am going to stay close to home and just enjoy all of them.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Thursday, March 13, 2014
snow Snow SNOW
We ended up getting almost 9 inches of snow. And lots of cold, cold wind. I am so tired of winter! Tomorrow, though, is supposed to be warm again. I agreed to have my granddaughter with me tomorrow, and then time with my grandson and his daddy on Saturday. Nice. And on Saturday evening, my three friends I try to meet regularly will be here for dinner.
Nice events lining up before me!
You mentioned Joan of Arc and I suddenly started seeing your religious evolution. You went from identifying with dying for the church to leaving the church because you asked too many questions....
I have been thinking about forgiveness. I looked for the etymology of the word forgive. It means to give up, to give away, to give completely with no reservations. A definition that came from this etymology is: to give up desire or power to punish.
Before we went to the island, while we were on the island, I was trying to analyze why I have trapped myself with so little. I know it has to do with feeling unworthy. I have not forgiven myself. I can forgive most others...although I do honestly harbor some resentment towards my ex and our dad. It is lessening. But I stroke and nurture, feed and coddle my resentment towards myself.
I have not wanted to give this up. But now, I am looking at it, trying to shine the light in those dark places where I hate myself. where I berate myself, where I hold grudges against myself. And I am trying to develop compassion for me.
So much of my life has seemed a struggle. And because of it, I have developed compassion. I think I am compassionate, although I am not terribly outwardly gushy and loving. And when I am out of balance I have to struggle to stop and listen, to notice people. But I do feel compassionate and forgiving and understanding.
How do I turn this light of compassion on myself, and feel I am worthy?
I think when your parents can't love you, you have to think there is something bad about you. It is the only thing that makes sense to a child. I am bad, I am not worthy of love. I don't deserve. And so we find ways to punish ourselves to keep the "truth" alive. Because nothing else makes sense.
Now I am trying to release and explain to my self that I agreed to be born into a family that was struggling to release these patterns. We each have a part to play, and garbage to be hit with. I chose it because I am strong and resilient, and because I wanted to understand.
In the shower today, I understood that the hard, painful, blocked times are what made me compassionate. I understand others, because we have walked the same path, at least for a short distance. This mirage, this life - it is powerfully believable!! This experiential learning is wild.
So I am facing the fact that I have been purposefully refusing to give up the desire to punish myself. I am still getting something from it - even though it is blocking so much of my life. I mentioned something about the blocks and your healer friend called me on it with one look. I had to cover my face and laugh at myself. There was an authentic moment, when the mask was raised. But I pulled on my cloak of no-forgiveness-for-me so quickly, I couldn't hold onto myself!!
Thinking, analyzing - because that is what I do...and sending love, because I can!!
Clare
Nice events lining up before me!
You mentioned Joan of Arc and I suddenly started seeing your religious evolution. You went from identifying with dying for the church to leaving the church because you asked too many questions....
I have been thinking about forgiveness. I looked for the etymology of the word forgive. It means to give up, to give away, to give completely with no reservations. A definition that came from this etymology is: to give up desire or power to punish.
Before we went to the island, while we were on the island, I was trying to analyze why I have trapped myself with so little. I know it has to do with feeling unworthy. I have not forgiven myself. I can forgive most others...although I do honestly harbor some resentment towards my ex and our dad. It is lessening. But I stroke and nurture, feed and coddle my resentment towards myself.
I have not wanted to give this up. But now, I am looking at it, trying to shine the light in those dark places where I hate myself. where I berate myself, where I hold grudges against myself. And I am trying to develop compassion for me.
So much of my life has seemed a struggle. And because of it, I have developed compassion. I think I am compassionate, although I am not terribly outwardly gushy and loving. And when I am out of balance I have to struggle to stop and listen, to notice people. But I do feel compassionate and forgiving and understanding.
How do I turn this light of compassion on myself, and feel I am worthy?
I think when your parents can't love you, you have to think there is something bad about you. It is the only thing that makes sense to a child. I am bad, I am not worthy of love. I don't deserve. And so we find ways to punish ourselves to keep the "truth" alive. Because nothing else makes sense.
Now I am trying to release and explain to my self that I agreed to be born into a family that was struggling to release these patterns. We each have a part to play, and garbage to be hit with. I chose it because I am strong and resilient, and because I wanted to understand.
In the shower today, I understood that the hard, painful, blocked times are what made me compassionate. I understand others, because we have walked the same path, at least for a short distance. This mirage, this life - it is powerfully believable!! This experiential learning is wild.
So I am facing the fact that I have been purposefully refusing to give up the desire to punish myself. I am still getting something from it - even though it is blocking so much of my life. I mentioned something about the blocks and your healer friend called me on it with one look. I had to cover my face and laugh at myself. There was an authentic moment, when the mask was raised. But I pulled on my cloak of no-forgiveness-for-me so quickly, I couldn't hold onto myself!!
Thinking, analyzing - because that is what I do...and sending love, because I can!!
Clare
My pleasure
Clare,
It is truly my pleasure to spend time with you and S#3…
it was a selfish gift.
I loved the time in the forest...
and walking outside after such a long, cold winter…
what a wonderful treat.
I also feel as if I understand my "Joan of Arc"complex better now…
always trying to save everyone around me…
it has been with me for several lifetimes.
The best insight is that we don't have to change our core identity…
just learn from the perspective it brings.
It will also help me to understand the two of you better as well.
I have always known that we need to accept ourself and others, not try to change them…
this reinforces that message and illuminates it for me.
The other concept that I have been playing with is the juxtaposition of you telling us family history/genealogy and then hearing about past lives…
we are a product of our nature and nurture and past experiences…
all wrapped up in one very complicated, beautiful package.
I was considering a roman lifetime, but Jewish lineage…kind of complicated.
I hope that you are hunkered down and safe in the storm. It is in the 20's here, but only a few flurries last night. Be well.
Love and Light,
Maggie
It is truly my pleasure to spend time with you and S#3…
it was a selfish gift.
I loved the time in the forest...
and walking outside after such a long, cold winter…
what a wonderful treat.
I also feel as if I understand my "Joan of Arc"complex better now…
always trying to save everyone around me…
it has been with me for several lifetimes.
The best insight is that we don't have to change our core identity…
just learn from the perspective it brings.
It will also help me to understand the two of you better as well.
I have always known that we need to accept ourself and others, not try to change them…
this reinforces that message and illuminates it for me.
The other concept that I have been playing with is the juxtaposition of you telling us family history/genealogy and then hearing about past lives…
we are a product of our nature and nurture and past experiences…
all wrapped up in one very complicated, beautiful package.
I was considering a roman lifetime, but Jewish lineage…kind of complicated.
I hope that you are hunkered down and safe in the storm. It is in the 20's here, but only a few flurries last night. Be well.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Sisters on the Island
I'm back. We're back. We're all safe and sound. I got home last night with our nephew. He was going to pick up some applications here and head home. Instead we got a snow storm. It has been snowing since about 9:30 this morning. Our nephew was going to try to beat the storm, but slid at the bottom of our hill, and so he came back and will wait out the storm with me. Now we're at 8 or 9 inches, the temp is dropping and the wind is going to blow all night long.
My youngest is in Florida with her baby.
The beach was wonderful. Thank you so much for your gracious, flowing generosity. You make generosity look simple. The house was comfortable and easy to be in. The island is healing.
And the dolphins. They brought such emotion. I didn't realize I believed we had killed or imprisoned them all.
The island was good sister time. We were able to talk and sing and listen and be available for each other. We were able to walk and bask. Igot some color on my pasty-northern winter-weary face. We were not able to find an alligator or pirate ghosts - but it was fun looking. And belly-laughing Ping-Pong...I needed to laugh.
What a gift it was...thank you so much for thinking of it, and for making it possible.
One amazing moment was our joined voices, singing Dona Nobis Pacem to the ocean. I felt joined. I felt joined -with everything.
I haven't had time off like that for years. It was such a gift. I felt so old and tired when we arrived. By the second day, though, I started to see me...a little. I thought about abundance and adventure. The ocean is a source of abundance and instructed me a little, I think.
The other gift my sister gave was a joint session with the oft-mentioned Reiki healer. We weren't sure what we wanted, but somehow we ended up with a joint read about our connections through time and through different lifetimes. For all three of us.
I am analytical, and apparently I have always been analytical. I shed a few tears while alone, partly from relief - this is who I am and who I am supposed to be. But partly from loneliness. I often have the feeling that I don't quite belong. And it's kind of true, but not exactly...it's partly from our upbringing, but also a facet of what I am.
The strongest thing I walked away with, though, was her answer to the questions - Why are we here?
Forgiveness.
S#3 asked, "For ourselves or for others."
"For yourself first."
That is so difficult. I didn't sleep well last night. I was wound up from all of our adventures, I think. And so I tried to consider forgiveness. Forgiving myself. I started listing things I need to forgive myself for. There are lots of things.
When you see your friend again, please tell her I said thank you - for the gifts, both physical and spiritual. And thank you for your generosity, for sharing this part of your life with us.
Exhausted, full of love and gratitude...
Clare
My youngest is in Florida with her baby.
The beach was wonderful. Thank you so much for your gracious, flowing generosity. You make generosity look simple. The house was comfortable and easy to be in. The island is healing.
And the dolphins. They brought such emotion. I didn't realize I believed we had killed or imprisoned them all.
The island was good sister time. We were able to talk and sing and listen and be available for each other. We were able to walk and bask. Igot some color on my pasty-northern winter-weary face. We were not able to find an alligator or pirate ghosts - but it was fun looking. And belly-laughing Ping-Pong...I needed to laugh.
What a gift it was...thank you so much for thinking of it, and for making it possible.
One amazing moment was our joined voices, singing Dona Nobis Pacem to the ocean. I felt joined. I felt joined -with everything.
I haven't had time off like that for years. It was such a gift. I felt so old and tired when we arrived. By the second day, though, I started to see me...a little. I thought about abundance and adventure. The ocean is a source of abundance and instructed me a little, I think.
The other gift my sister gave was a joint session with the oft-mentioned Reiki healer. We weren't sure what we wanted, but somehow we ended up with a joint read about our connections through time and through different lifetimes. For all three of us.
I am analytical, and apparently I have always been analytical. I shed a few tears while alone, partly from relief - this is who I am and who I am supposed to be. But partly from loneliness. I often have the feeling that I don't quite belong. And it's kind of true, but not exactly...it's partly from our upbringing, but also a facet of what I am.
The strongest thing I walked away with, though, was her answer to the questions - Why are we here?
Forgiveness.
S#3 asked, "For ourselves or for others."
"For yourself first."
That is so difficult. I didn't sleep well last night. I was wound up from all of our adventures, I think. And so I tried to consider forgiveness. Forgiving myself. I started listing things I need to forgive myself for. There are lots of things.
When you see your friend again, please tell her I said thank you - for the gifts, both physical and spiritual. And thank you for your generosity, for sharing this part of your life with us.
Exhausted, full of love and gratitude...
Clare
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Quick check-in
When I read about your latest with your youngest, the first thought - what a perfect moment for logical consequences. He can spend $300 of his own money buying food and gas for his friends, but he can't spend yours. So he has to pay you back or ask his friends to pay you back. Logical. I am glad you had time for your Reiki healer. A session always seems to ground you, to center you.
I have been thinking about the trouble mine got into at that age. It wasn't fun.
My ornithologist friend also pointed out that vibrations from the windmills are disrupting underground critters like worms and moles. We lived without electricity for about a decade. It was a wonderful way to live, closer, more connected to nature and to the cycles of the month and the year. We get off the grid by giving up what we consider necessities, and most of our luxuries.
I am not packed for this weekend. In fact I am struggling with a frozen pipe and don't have water. If my heater doesn't free it up tonight, I will have to call the landlord and have her call a plumber. Life could be easier, you know.
I am up late tonight. I had lots of divine interruptions today...a few hours playing with the baby, a few precious hours on the phone with my daughter-in-law, and so I finished work very late. And it's an early morning tomorrow. I may have a chance to check in here, or - more likely, I'll see your lovely, smiling face. I am bringing my computer, since I'll be working from S#3's on Tuesday before I head home - so maybe we can meet here...
Soon - Love and hugs!!
Clare
I have been thinking about the trouble mine got into at that age. It wasn't fun.
My ornithologist friend also pointed out that vibrations from the windmills are disrupting underground critters like worms and moles. We lived without electricity for about a decade. It was a wonderful way to live, closer, more connected to nature and to the cycles of the month and the year. We get off the grid by giving up what we consider necessities, and most of our luxuries.
I am not packed for this weekend. In fact I am struggling with a frozen pipe and don't have water. If my heater doesn't free it up tonight, I will have to call the landlord and have her call a plumber. Life could be easier, you know.
I am up late tonight. I had lots of divine interruptions today...a few hours playing with the baby, a few precious hours on the phone with my daughter-in-law, and so I finished work very late. And it's an early morning tomorrow. I may have a chance to check in here, or - more likely, I'll see your lovely, smiling face. I am bringing my computer, since I'll be working from S#3's on Tuesday before I head home - so maybe we can meet here...
Soon - Love and hugs!!
Clare
Differentiated…Pleuripotent…Totipotent
Clare,
I had a visit with my Reiki healer today…
I got a lot of good insight…
I feel more centered and have a better perspective.
I just struggle so much with teenaged boys- funny how history repeats itself…
Oh well, the lessons are there for me to learn…
I just have to be open to learning them.
I am really excited for this weekend.
It will be good to sit and share time with you and S#3.
I am anticipating a great time…relaxed…just hanging together.
I woke this morning feeling a little "viral"…
but I refuse to give into it…
I will be healthy, I will be healthy, I will be healthy.
Tuesday, in class, we were talking about stem cells…
I mentioned there are different types- totipotent and pleuripotent…
Then I went off on a tangent about Toto in the Wizard of Oz…
how the dog was her "everything"…
How she journeyed to find her brain, heart and courage and then could return home complete.
They were so into it…I really love teaching this group.
Anyway…
maybe we are moving from a fully differentiated cell state- individual, unique, independent…
into a more pleuripotent state- interactive, formative, open to respond to signals…
and ultimately into a totipotent state- one that has the potential to become anything we will to become- one that is only limited by our own imagination and energy.
I like that thought.
For tonight, I wish you Love and Light,
Maggie
I had a visit with my Reiki healer today…
I got a lot of good insight…
I feel more centered and have a better perspective.
I just struggle so much with teenaged boys- funny how history repeats itself…
Oh well, the lessons are there for me to learn…
I just have to be open to learning them.
I am really excited for this weekend.
It will be good to sit and share time with you and S#3.
I am anticipating a great time…relaxed…just hanging together.
I woke this morning feeling a little "viral"…
but I refuse to give into it…
I will be healthy, I will be healthy, I will be healthy.
Tuesday, in class, we were talking about stem cells…
I mentioned there are different types- totipotent and pleuripotent…
Then I went off on a tangent about Toto in the Wizard of Oz…
how the dog was her "everything"…
How she journeyed to find her brain, heart and courage and then could return home complete.
They were so into it…I really love teaching this group.
Anyway…
maybe we are moving from a fully differentiated cell state- individual, unique, independent…
into a more pleuripotent state- interactive, formative, open to respond to signals…
and ultimately into a totipotent state- one that has the potential to become anything we will to become- one that is only limited by our own imagination and energy.
I like that thought.
For tonight, I wish you Love and Light,
Maggie
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
sheep
Sorry for my brief absence…
I am once again having issues with my son…
this time it is the youngest one.
Saturday night he was not where he was supposed to be…he got picked up by an older girl and they went to her house to get high…
then on Sunday I found a burnt joint in his coat pocket…
and while we were discussing it husband found a credit card bill for over $300 for a card that I rarely use…turns out he took it and bought food, gas, etc for older friends after school…probably in exchange for cigarettes and/or pot…
I just walked into the bathroom while he was showering because it smelled of smoke…not sure if it was cigarette or pot…it doesn't really matter…both are bad for him…what the heck am I going to do with this kid? And his brother who comes home almost everyday smelling of smoke? I don't know how to stop this…it's out of control at this point.
I think that you are on to something…that our environmental issues are about wanting more and more electricity…and convenience…we are getting so lazy that we don;t even care that we are heading for extinction.
So, how do we get off the grid?
What does that kind of life look like?
I had never considered bird migration…or fish spawning (actually I have heard about fish ladders and hydroelectric plants)…or toxic solar panels….
we really have lost touch with our interconnectedness.
What a strange perspective, watching the world spin out of control. Occasional reports of disasters that make us afraid.
I saw the Facebook post about protestors in DC against the XL pipeline and the media blackout for it…I got comments about how stupid it is to protest this…but no one mentioned the lack of media coverage…we are being controlled…and we are sheep. I read a legislative press release about several crude oil spills in PA recently…I haven't heard about them in any of the press.
We are sheep.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I am once again having issues with my son…
this time it is the youngest one.
Saturday night he was not where he was supposed to be…he got picked up by an older girl and they went to her house to get high…
then on Sunday I found a burnt joint in his coat pocket…
and while we were discussing it husband found a credit card bill for over $300 for a card that I rarely use…turns out he took it and bought food, gas, etc for older friends after school…probably in exchange for cigarettes and/or pot…
I just walked into the bathroom while he was showering because it smelled of smoke…not sure if it was cigarette or pot…it doesn't really matter…both are bad for him…what the heck am I going to do with this kid? And his brother who comes home almost everyday smelling of smoke? I don't know how to stop this…it's out of control at this point.
I think that you are on to something…that our environmental issues are about wanting more and more electricity…and convenience…we are getting so lazy that we don;t even care that we are heading for extinction.
So, how do we get off the grid?
What does that kind of life look like?
I had never considered bird migration…or fish spawning (actually I have heard about fish ladders and hydroelectric plants)…or toxic solar panels….
we really have lost touch with our interconnectedness.
What a strange perspective, watching the world spin out of control. Occasional reports of disasters that make us afraid.
I saw the Facebook post about protestors in DC against the XL pipeline and the media blackout for it…I got comments about how stupid it is to protest this…but no one mentioned the lack of media coverage…we are being controlled…and we are sheep. I read a legislative press release about several crude oil spills in PA recently…I haven't heard about them in any of the press.
We are sheep.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Monday, March 3, 2014
On a roll tonight!
I have been so heartfeltly open and happy and proud of the students who have chained themselves to the White House fence, to the Natives who are standing in front of the pipeline, of the "elderly" farmer (my age) who has chained himself to a drilling rig.
I felt so happy, then I read a Native prophecy about the Seventh Generation rising up against the powers. And it made me feel alive, we are living in the prophecy. We can see it, we can see the change.
Then I read another prophecy saying that we can't survive unless we thaw our frozen hearts. And I thought about all the work we have been doing here to be authentic and vulnerable. And I feel whole and happy.
I have been thinking about the environment, about the problems we are having. I was discussing Germany with someone today, and how cool it is that they have decided to get rid of all nuclear power plants by 2020. That was bold and forward looking. But, I didn't know that they have replaced nuclear power with burning peat and coal. And I was told that the coal comes from the US. So their cutting back on nuclear power plants, reducing the amount of nuclear waste- for which there is no safe storage technique, has increased the "need" or maybe the profit in mountain-top removal. Who in their right mind ever conceived of using dynamite to blow the tops off of mountains? And who with any sense at all approved it? It is not sane, it is not conservative, our species does not have the right to do this - to destroy the planet in the search for money - created paper.
From what I understand, solar involves toxic ingredients, wind interferes with bird migration - powers that be refuse to put sensors on the mills - they don't want to know, and they don't want to place their wind farms out of migration lanes. Why spend extra time and money on birds?
I started to wonder if the problem is electricity. Just like - the problem is definitely our reliance on petroleum. Maybe there's a better power source than electricity - something that doesn't need dams to interfere with fish spawning, or nuclear reactions to boil water (the first time I realized we are using nuclear reactions to boil water, I almost lost my mind!!!), or coal or peat to cause acid rain, dirty air and decapitated mountains, or wind mills that kill migrating birds.
I also get furious with the constant message - we need more electricity. We are never asked to consider our consumption, and only use what we need...never...
On a roll - but feeling like the good hearts are rising. I hope I am one of them...
Love you,
Clare
I felt so happy, then I read a Native prophecy about the Seventh Generation rising up against the powers. And it made me feel alive, we are living in the prophecy. We can see it, we can see the change.
Then I read another prophecy saying that we can't survive unless we thaw our frozen hearts. And I thought about all the work we have been doing here to be authentic and vulnerable. And I feel whole and happy.
I have been thinking about the environment, about the problems we are having. I was discussing Germany with someone today, and how cool it is that they have decided to get rid of all nuclear power plants by 2020. That was bold and forward looking. But, I didn't know that they have replaced nuclear power with burning peat and coal. And I was told that the coal comes from the US. So their cutting back on nuclear power plants, reducing the amount of nuclear waste- for which there is no safe storage technique, has increased the "need" or maybe the profit in mountain-top removal. Who in their right mind ever conceived of using dynamite to blow the tops off of mountains? And who with any sense at all approved it? It is not sane, it is not conservative, our species does not have the right to do this - to destroy the planet in the search for money - created paper.
From what I understand, solar involves toxic ingredients, wind interferes with bird migration - powers that be refuse to put sensors on the mills - they don't want to know, and they don't want to place their wind farms out of migration lanes. Why spend extra time and money on birds?
I started to wonder if the problem is electricity. Just like - the problem is definitely our reliance on petroleum. Maybe there's a better power source than electricity - something that doesn't need dams to interfere with fish spawning, or nuclear reactions to boil water (the first time I realized we are using nuclear reactions to boil water, I almost lost my mind!!!), or coal or peat to cause acid rain, dirty air and decapitated mountains, or wind mills that kill migrating birds.
I also get furious with the constant message - we need more electricity. We are never asked to consider our consumption, and only use what we need...never...
On a roll - but feeling like the good hearts are rising. I hope I am one of them...
Love you,
Clare
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Connection, or not?
Good question - about abortion based on gender. The horrific part of that is that there are not enough girls in China, there are not enough wives. I have read that younger women are being stolen and sold as brides, forced into marriage. Instead of realizing these is a problem - it is being made worse.
Our species is too short-sighted, and we don't seem to learn from experience.
I have not read 50 Shades of Gray either, and am not interested, although supporters have told me that the main character does heal - becomes less abusive, I suppose. Maybe that's the lesson.
But I think it all goes back to connection and violation. To really be sexual with someone, we have to be absolutely vulnerable, naked on every level. We are not connected. We are terrified of connection - because we do live in a rape culture. Our water, our air, our relationships are toxic, violent - but we adjust. We're all sick, but surviving. And on some level we are looking for health. We want connection, we will do anything for connection, so we use sex to simulate connection. But we are terrified of exposing ourselves, risking rejection, and diving into a true connective relationship with sex as one important part of the glue.
Sex without connection gets boring quickly. So instead of getting naked, we look for novelty. And entertainment tells us what everyone else is doing, and so we try it. And we're cool, and we're accepted - so it's a kind of connection. I saw it happen with 3-ways. No one was terribly interested until media told us it was the thing to do. Suddenly all the lemmings are having 3-ways. When the novelty wore off, the bored were told to move onto anal. No one wants to actually connect. You know?
And so the novel was a look into someone else's failure to connect. And it's popular because we understand. We are not connected.
When I was angry and depressed as an adolescent, I remember thinking - I didn't ask to be born. There were those moments when I wished Mom had not had me...It's a real part of emotion, of our make up.
Just to be fair, I found later that the quote I shared last time was made about 20 years ago. Perhaps this man has become wiser or kinder. Perhaps he has daughters...But the quote is still being pulled out and shown to us. It is still important.
Hugs and kisses,
Clare
Our species is too short-sighted, and we don't seem to learn from experience.
I have not read 50 Shades of Gray either, and am not interested, although supporters have told me that the main character does heal - becomes less abusive, I suppose. Maybe that's the lesson.
But I think it all goes back to connection and violation. To really be sexual with someone, we have to be absolutely vulnerable, naked on every level. We are not connected. We are terrified of connection - because we do live in a rape culture. Our water, our air, our relationships are toxic, violent - but we adjust. We're all sick, but surviving. And on some level we are looking for health. We want connection, we will do anything for connection, so we use sex to simulate connection. But we are terrified of exposing ourselves, risking rejection, and diving into a true connective relationship with sex as one important part of the glue.
Sex without connection gets boring quickly. So instead of getting naked, we look for novelty. And entertainment tells us what everyone else is doing, and so we try it. And we're cool, and we're accepted - so it's a kind of connection. I saw it happen with 3-ways. No one was terribly interested until media told us it was the thing to do. Suddenly all the lemmings are having 3-ways. When the novelty wore off, the bored were told to move onto anal. No one wants to actually connect. You know?
And so the novel was a look into someone else's failure to connect. And it's popular because we understand. We are not connected.
When I was angry and depressed as an adolescent, I remember thinking - I didn't ask to be born. There were those moments when I wished Mom had not had me...It's a real part of emotion, of our make up.
Just to be fair, I found later that the quote I shared last time was made about 20 years ago. Perhaps this man has become wiser or kinder. Perhaps he has daughters...But the quote is still being pulled out and shown to us. It is still important.
Hugs and kisses,
Clare
pondering violation
Wow…that kind of logic just floors me…
and makes me nauseous.
So rape is justified if abortion is legal.
For some reason I am thinking of the forced abortions and sterilizations in China…
and their discarding of female infants because of their single child policies.
I would like to ask the congressman if it matters if it is a female or male fetus…
would that change his considerations?
Conservative rhetoric makes me physically ill…
the way that violation is used to justify another violation…
it's a sick circuitous pattern that is used to confuse and make people agree to because most are sheep wanting to be led.
I, too have had friends who have chosen abortion…
and it was very difficult for them as well.
I used to work for Planned Parenthood, back in my Catholic days, and spoke with women in follow up visits, after their procedure. Not one of them was ever at ease with the decision…it was the best they could do, under the circumstances…we all make decisions like that…with no clear right or wrong…just options.
I saw a 13 year old boy yesterday who has been in foster care since birth…
so confused and angry…
I would never say that his life isn't valuable…
but what if?
That makes me feel like a monster to write…
but I will leave it here…
for the record.
I often wonder what life would have been like if our mother didn't procreate every year for 10 straight.
If she had used contraception effectively our dynamics may have been very different. It is a futile exercise…but I do think about it.
How would I respond to such an ignorant statement? My mind cycles back to "2 wrongs don't make a right"… how could assaulting and violating women make rape acceptable? That is all about fear, coercion and controlling. How about we rape every man that has sex with a prostitute, uses condoms or masterbates? They are just as guilty of preventing life.
I have to think about this.
I read an article about 50 Shades of Grey…the popular novel that is being made into a movie. I did not read the book but it is extremely popular, with men and women, and it is based upon intimate partner violence. I spoke with the director of the DV shelter and she was unaware of this…not even those "in the know" realize the message that is being projected…that it is incredibly stimulating and entertaining to watch a man control and abuse a woman. I have heard casual references to this book for over a year now…and never realized how malignant the message is. Humans are entertained by violation…why?
It really makes me wonder.
Until tomorrow,
Love and Light,
Maggie
and makes me nauseous.
So rape is justified if abortion is legal.
For some reason I am thinking of the forced abortions and sterilizations in China…
and their discarding of female infants because of their single child policies.
I would like to ask the congressman if it matters if it is a female or male fetus…
would that change his considerations?
Conservative rhetoric makes me physically ill…
the way that violation is used to justify another violation…
it's a sick circuitous pattern that is used to confuse and make people agree to because most are sheep wanting to be led.
I, too have had friends who have chosen abortion…
and it was very difficult for them as well.
I used to work for Planned Parenthood, back in my Catholic days, and spoke with women in follow up visits, after their procedure. Not one of them was ever at ease with the decision…it was the best they could do, under the circumstances…we all make decisions like that…with no clear right or wrong…just options.
I saw a 13 year old boy yesterday who has been in foster care since birth…
so confused and angry…
I would never say that his life isn't valuable…
but what if?
That makes me feel like a monster to write…
but I will leave it here…
for the record.
I often wonder what life would have been like if our mother didn't procreate every year for 10 straight.
If she had used contraception effectively our dynamics may have been very different. It is a futile exercise…but I do think about it.
How would I respond to such an ignorant statement? My mind cycles back to "2 wrongs don't make a right"… how could assaulting and violating women make rape acceptable? That is all about fear, coercion and controlling. How about we rape every man that has sex with a prostitute, uses condoms or masterbates? They are just as guilty of preventing life.
I have to think about this.
I read an article about 50 Shades of Grey…the popular novel that is being made into a movie. I did not read the book but it is extremely popular, with men and women, and it is based upon intimate partner violence. I spoke with the director of the DV shelter and she was unaware of this…not even those "in the know" realize the message that is being projected…that it is incredibly stimulating and entertaining to watch a man control and abuse a woman. I have heard casual references to this book for over a year now…and never realized how malignant the message is. Humans are entertained by violation…why?
It really makes me wonder.
Until tomorrow,
Love and Light,
Maggie
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