last night

Last night I dreamed that we were celebrating. The whole family was together, us, our sibs, our kids and spouses and grandkids, and even including my ex's sister and all of her kids.  And there were others...I think I was in the same space with the same large group as in the mountain lion dream.  Someone, a paternal figure, and I'm pretty sure it was a former Quaker gentleman who was paternal with me, said we needed to celebrate. We needed to have a ball.

The rest of the dream was organizing, trying to keep an eye on kids, trying to get ball gowns and suits for everyone. It was like trying to herd cats, to use a cliche! The ball didn't happen but there was a lot of togetherness and excitement.

I woke up in the middle of the night, feeling off. I sat up, and was just thinking for a minute before I went to get some water. I was thinking about my body and wondered what it was all about...the way we carry abuse, why it happens, why it makes life so hard.

I got the message that it had to be hard enough to really change me.  I had to understand how easy it is to become abusive when we have pain stored inside. Without that experiential learning, it would have been impossible to develop the empathy that allows me to look at abusers and know they were violated...something happened to destroy their/our/my humanity. Because in the moment of abuse, we are not abusing a person. We are discharging pain and we must objectify someone, remove their humanity, remove all inner understanding that they, too, have feelings.

And the fat...it is shame.   It's shame...

Have fun with your workshop today. I am open to receive!

Love and hugs from Clare