Clare,
I finished reading a book called Building the Bonds of Attachment by Dan Hughes. It told the story of a neglected, abused little girl and what it took to allow her to trust again.
I see a lot of similar behaviors in my young men…
I see a lot of similar behaviors in myself and our siblings.
Children need to attach to a caregiver, otherwise the are filled with shame and never trust themselves or others. It worries me that I may not have the skills to bring these young men into adulthood…
but they aren't going to learn it in an ultra-structured group home that turns them out at 18 either.
I fear what would happen to them with no real family or positive social skills…
probably jail because it's another structured setting…
or the military for its structure which would leave them further traumatized and/or dead.
I will do the best I can- under the circumstances.
Hold us in the Light.
The staff at the group home are anticipating a big change in the younger man. He acts out in anger a lot. He shifts blame to the older brother regularly. He isolates when he is mad or senses shame. They are hoping he will become more accountable, more open to learning. He cannot work on his issues if he fails to recognize them. He will certainly react to his brother's moving out though.
I am hoping to find a way to bond with him. He isolates himself here much of the time. I have to enforce a time limit for electronics a interact with him at other times. He likes to hike and do art…that's a start.
I am quite frustrated with my youngest. The closer we get to move in day- the more obstinate his behavior becomes. He is pushing every button that generally raises my anger. I am trying to calmly discipline him…he just keeps pushing.
I haven't had peace of mind to scan anyone since the class. I am putting my interests last-again. I just don't have the space to breath right now. I am hoping that once school is out for the summer I won't have to be the wake up bell…and worse. I hope my schedule relaxes a bit.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Monday, May 30, 2016
playing
Hi Maggie,
I got lots done in the garden. There is still so much to do. But I am feeling hopeful. Every year I have a dream vision of what the garden will be. It never is. But every year something does really well, and that abundance overshadows and outweighs the lackluster performance of other veggies...who will be the stars for the next year.
What we get a lot of is most likely what we are going to need!
I didn't realize your foster son was in the same group home as his brother. That will make this a little more stressful. But I trust you will keep them in touch with each other. It might be good for them to take a look at themselves as individuals. Yet, being without family is so hard... I can't imagine having a childhood like theirs. Ours may have been damaging, but at least we knew where home was until our eighteenth birthday, at which time, as we were constantly reminded, he was done with us, and our bags would be packed and by the door.
Are you getting anything as you scan me? It would be fun to confirm.
Today, while I was sitting in the dirt removing grass and yellow dock and garlic mustard, I pulled a bunch of stems and exposed a web full of minute spiderlings. They were running around like crazy. Mama Spider came to the end of a blade of grass to catch my attention. I weeded around it, leaving the web intact.
I started to think that what I did was similar to what a deforestation would be to us. We just come through and mindlessly change things without considering impact.
Do we have the right?
Still trying to consider what is the rightful, humane way to feed ourselves. I read a book years ago, which I lent to someone and never got back. It was called The One Straw Revolution. Maybe I should read it again.
I am wondering about permaculture, to the point that we plant and nourish ourselves completely from perennials. Then I would not need to be ripping weeds out. Fruit trees, nut trees are obvious...but what about veggies???
I like it when my mind is playing.
Hope you and yours are well and happy.
Love and hugs from Clare
I got lots done in the garden. There is still so much to do. But I am feeling hopeful. Every year I have a dream vision of what the garden will be. It never is. But every year something does really well, and that abundance overshadows and outweighs the lackluster performance of other veggies...who will be the stars for the next year.
What we get a lot of is most likely what we are going to need!
I didn't realize your foster son was in the same group home as his brother. That will make this a little more stressful. But I trust you will keep them in touch with each other. It might be good for them to take a look at themselves as individuals. Yet, being without family is so hard... I can't imagine having a childhood like theirs. Ours may have been damaging, but at least we knew where home was until our eighteenth birthday, at which time, as we were constantly reminded, he was done with us, and our bags would be packed and by the door.
Are you getting anything as you scan me? It would be fun to confirm.
Today, while I was sitting in the dirt removing grass and yellow dock and garlic mustard, I pulled a bunch of stems and exposed a web full of minute spiderlings. They were running around like crazy. Mama Spider came to the end of a blade of grass to catch my attention. I weeded around it, leaving the web intact.
I started to think that what I did was similar to what a deforestation would be to us. We just come through and mindlessly change things without considering impact.
Do we have the right?
Still trying to consider what is the rightful, humane way to feed ourselves. I read a book years ago, which I lent to someone and never got back. It was called The One Straw Revolution. Maybe I should read it again.
I am wondering about permaculture, to the point that we plant and nourish ourselves completely from perennials. Then I would not need to be ripping weeds out. Fruit trees, nut trees are obvious...but what about veggies???
I like it when my mind is playing.
Hope you and yours are well and happy.
Love and hugs from Clare
Sunday, May 29, 2016
exhausted...
Clare,
I am doing a lot of gardening this weekend too. I have a truckload of mulch in my driveway that I've been spreading each day…
about an hour each day…
the gardens look nice. Husband works ahead of me…
weeding and edging…
I mulch and transplant…
it's a good system.
I'm physically exhausted at this point though. My feet hurt the most.
We (my young man and I ) also painted his bedroom a dark, deep blue color. We are going to get some curtains and sheets in beige or creme to lighten it up a bit. He is getting so excited for 6/2. We are all excited to have him arrive full time. I spoke with the younger brother yesterday while we made clay figures…
he's feeling jealous and anxious about the separation…
the staff at the group home feels that the separation will accelerate his progress…
apparently he blames all of his problems on the older brother and assumes no responsibility…
they feel this will make him more accountable for his choices.
He is slowly coming around to us…
trying to interact more…
it takes time and patience.
I am really looking forward to summer break. Waking my youngest for school is a daily stress that I can certainly take a break from. It is a daily battle to get him up and moving before it's too late to make it on time. If he's going to be late we have battles over accountability and excuses for legitimate tardiness- most of the time there is no legitimate excuse so he gets detention.
I am trying to figure out how to scan people from a distance to detect physical or emotional problems…
It's supposed to be possible with the reiki 2 attunement.
I've been trying to sense how a former client of mine is doing…
a woman that I continue to worry about from my counseling practice.
When I scan I get nothing…
what worries me the most is that she was suicidal near the end of our time together…
I hope she didn't end her life.
She lived through hell and was re-living it every day through flashbacks.
I will continue to try.
I continue to send you reiki energy…
You are a daily intention.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I am doing a lot of gardening this weekend too. I have a truckload of mulch in my driveway that I've been spreading each day…
about an hour each day…
the gardens look nice. Husband works ahead of me…
weeding and edging…
I mulch and transplant…
it's a good system.
I'm physically exhausted at this point though. My feet hurt the most.
We (my young man and I ) also painted his bedroom a dark, deep blue color. We are going to get some curtains and sheets in beige or creme to lighten it up a bit. He is getting so excited for 6/2. We are all excited to have him arrive full time. I spoke with the younger brother yesterday while we made clay figures…
he's feeling jealous and anxious about the separation…
the staff at the group home feels that the separation will accelerate his progress…
apparently he blames all of his problems on the older brother and assumes no responsibility…
they feel this will make him more accountable for his choices.
He is slowly coming around to us…
trying to interact more…
it takes time and patience.
I am really looking forward to summer break. Waking my youngest for school is a daily stress that I can certainly take a break from. It is a daily battle to get him up and moving before it's too late to make it on time. If he's going to be late we have battles over accountability and excuses for legitimate tardiness- most of the time there is no legitimate excuse so he gets detention.
I am trying to figure out how to scan people from a distance to detect physical or emotional problems…
It's supposed to be possible with the reiki 2 attunement.
I've been trying to sense how a former client of mine is doing…
a woman that I continue to worry about from my counseling practice.
When I scan I get nothing…
what worries me the most is that she was suicidal near the end of our time together…
I hope she didn't end her life.
She lived through hell and was re-living it every day through flashbacks.
I will continue to try.
I continue to send you reiki energy…
You are a daily intention.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
listening
Hi Maggie,
Doing something fun this holiday weekend? Or just preparing for the arrival of your new son?
I have been spending a lot of time in the garden. I have been a sweaty, muddy mess for the past two days. I love siting in the dirt.
I have been weeding, to prepare the bed, I have to remove last year's growth and the new perennials taking over this year. This year I seem to be pulling a LOT of curled dock and a lot of burdock. I love both as medicinals, but I need room for vegetables. As I was pulling, I was overcome by the sense that we have strayed so far from what it is to be human. What are we supposed to eat? How are we supposed to get it? I don't think we know any more. I'm not sure my rows of spinach seeds are the way. But until I understand, spinach it is.
As I was cleaning my house this morning, I listened to two TED talks. Actually I listened to the first one twice. And I got weepy both times. It was entitled The beauty of being a misfit. It was presented by Lidia Yuknavitch.
She talked about being raised in an abusive home, then listed the effects in her life. But she said we are a new species...maybe that was the word,but it was definitely the intent. She said that abused kids are legion. I think she is right. Being raised in abuse is the new norm.
She talked about being faced with the big thing that you know you want, but being frozen in shame. But she said that even in those moments of making the worst decisions possible, we are beautiful. We glow.
Are we something new? Does this mean we are walking away from humanity, into something new? Is this the revolution? Something we don't recognize yet, but that we are walking towards?
The other talk was How our microbes make us who we are, by Rob Knight. He talked about the differences in our biomes. I was left wondering if abuse and trauma influence our inner microbial balance.
Lots to play with while sitting in the dirt, waiting for rain...
Love and hugs from Clare
Doing something fun this holiday weekend? Or just preparing for the arrival of your new son?
I have been spending a lot of time in the garden. I have been a sweaty, muddy mess for the past two days. I love siting in the dirt.
I have been weeding, to prepare the bed, I have to remove last year's growth and the new perennials taking over this year. This year I seem to be pulling a LOT of curled dock and a lot of burdock. I love both as medicinals, but I need room for vegetables. As I was pulling, I was overcome by the sense that we have strayed so far from what it is to be human. What are we supposed to eat? How are we supposed to get it? I don't think we know any more. I'm not sure my rows of spinach seeds are the way. But until I understand, spinach it is.
As I was cleaning my house this morning, I listened to two TED talks. Actually I listened to the first one twice. And I got weepy both times. It was entitled The beauty of being a misfit. It was presented by Lidia Yuknavitch.
She talked about being raised in an abusive home, then listed the effects in her life. But she said we are a new species...maybe that was the word,but it was definitely the intent. She said that abused kids are legion. I think she is right. Being raised in abuse is the new norm.
She talked about being faced with the big thing that you know you want, but being frozen in shame. But she said that even in those moments of making the worst decisions possible, we are beautiful. We glow.
Are we something new? Does this mean we are walking away from humanity, into something new? Is this the revolution? Something we don't recognize yet, but that we are walking towards?
The other talk was How our microbes make us who we are, by Rob Knight. He talked about the differences in our biomes. I was left wondering if abuse and trauma influence our inner microbial balance.
Lots to play with while sitting in the dirt, waiting for rain...
Love and hugs from Clare
Thursday, May 26, 2016
ride the wave
Hi Mags,
I am not surprised that you are nesting. In an important way, you are birthing. You are birthing a new family...bringing in a new child.
I wonder if the bio-dad was just sort of talking out loud. He probably feels a lot of guilt about abandoning families, and worries about his sons...not enough to do anything, but enough to sit around and worry. Now that the older is about to land in a very safe place, he can stop worrying about him. Now he can focus his worry on the younger one, as well as the other family he abandoned...maybe.
Not very aware, not especially kind. But probably not as much of a rejection as your son feels it is. Because I know your son has to be feeling the pain of rejection and not being wanted. It may be their family pattern. And now you are breaking it by saying, I want you, then following through.
We need the same kind of interaction in our family. We need to be included with people who don't sexually abuse. We all need to help each other break the family chains that pollute our psyche...
This whole process has been about trust for you, I think. And it is like birthing. We can't have a natural, unassisted, powerful birth without surrendering, and admitting we are not in charge. Then you ride the waves...Through it all, we do know there will be something absolutely new. And when we land safe on the other side, it is beautiful...
Planting and mowing here. Someone pulled some of my cabbages out. And someone else chewed my chamomile plant. I am suspicious of an innocent appearing chipmunk . And I had a face-off with a milk snake...life in the country!!!
We need rain!
Love and hugs from Clare
I am not surprised that you are nesting. In an important way, you are birthing. You are birthing a new family...bringing in a new child.
I wonder if the bio-dad was just sort of talking out loud. He probably feels a lot of guilt about abandoning families, and worries about his sons...not enough to do anything, but enough to sit around and worry. Now that the older is about to land in a very safe place, he can stop worrying about him. Now he can focus his worry on the younger one, as well as the other family he abandoned...maybe.
Not very aware, not especially kind. But probably not as much of a rejection as your son feels it is. Because I know your son has to be feeling the pain of rejection and not being wanted. It may be their family pattern. And now you are breaking it by saying, I want you, then following through.
We need the same kind of interaction in our family. We need to be included with people who don't sexually abuse. We all need to help each other break the family chains that pollute our psyche...
This whole process has been about trust for you, I think. And it is like birthing. We can't have a natural, unassisted, powerful birth without surrendering, and admitting we are not in charge. Then you ride the waves...Through it all, we do know there will be something absolutely new. And when we land safe on the other side, it is beautiful...
Planting and mowing here. Someone pulled some of my cabbages out. And someone else chewed my chamomile plant. I am suspicious of an innocent appearing chipmunk . And I had a face-off with a milk snake...life in the country!!!
We need rain!
Love and hugs from Clare
a very different kind of nesting
Clare,
I hope you hold onto that love for a long time.
The dog dream is interesting. I don't think I've ever dreamed about finding things in drawers before…
interesting.
I am really edgy this week…
I feel as if I'm "nesting".
But, a very different kind of nesting.
I've started to paint and prepare for my young man's arrival next week. I am stressed because we still don't have final approval…
and won't have the court order until 2 weeks after he moves in…
I worry about my youngest's actions…
perhaps they could sabotage the whole thing…
and I worry about the young man's father.
He had not communicated with him since Thanksgiving…
except for one text when their mother died…
last weekend he was texting pretty steadily.
We talked about it…
my young man and I.
He was fixated on one line of text…
"maybe I can still get K with me"(the younger brother).
That line really hurt my young man.
Isn't he worth rescuing?
Isn't he worth the effort?
I am worried about the emotional effects of all of this…
but, we are so far into the process I've just got to ride the wave and see where we land.
The last I heard dad was not interested, had signed away parental rights, and couldn't care less about his first set of kids…
he has two other families.
I hope he doesn't create any opposition at the court hearing.
But, we will deal with whatever comes up.
I cannot wait to see what your skill or talent is that comes to light.
I am sure you will find many…
just keep looking and opening.
I went to a planning session about a breastfeeding summit for the summer. It was great to share stories and ideas with those gathered around the table. I'm excited to be a part of this.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I hope you hold onto that love for a long time.
The dog dream is interesting. I don't think I've ever dreamed about finding things in drawers before…
interesting.
I am really edgy this week…
I feel as if I'm "nesting".
But, a very different kind of nesting.
I've started to paint and prepare for my young man's arrival next week. I am stressed because we still don't have final approval…
and won't have the court order until 2 weeks after he moves in…
I worry about my youngest's actions…
perhaps they could sabotage the whole thing…
and I worry about the young man's father.
He had not communicated with him since Thanksgiving…
except for one text when their mother died…
last weekend he was texting pretty steadily.
We talked about it…
my young man and I.
He was fixated on one line of text…
"maybe I can still get K with me"(the younger brother).
That line really hurt my young man.
Isn't he worth rescuing?
Isn't he worth the effort?
I am worried about the emotional effects of all of this…
but, we are so far into the process I've just got to ride the wave and see where we land.
The last I heard dad was not interested, had signed away parental rights, and couldn't care less about his first set of kids…
he has two other families.
I hope he doesn't create any opposition at the court hearing.
But, we will deal with whatever comes up.
I cannot wait to see what your skill or talent is that comes to light.
I am sure you will find many…
just keep looking and opening.
I went to a planning session about a breastfeeding summit for the summer. It was great to share stories and ideas with those gathered around the table. I'm excited to be a part of this.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
now dogs in drawers
Hi Maggie,
And the crazy dreams continue. I don't remember ever remembering this many dreams in such a short time...I have remembered a few more, but they don't seem appropriate to here...
So I dreamed I opened a drawer in a big old desk or table, and there was an old dog inside. It was my dog. I knew it was mine. I remember thinking, "Not another old dog!" I picked it up and it was like a labradoodle with a dachshund body. It wasn't little like a dachshund, but it was long-bodied and short-legged.
Someone took it from me and put it back in the drawer and distracted me with something, but I was very concerned about getting the dog. I knew it belonged with me, and it had sentient eyes - it knew it belonged with me.
So I looked it up...of course...
(http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/)
To see a dog in your dream symbolizes intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. The dream suggests that your strong values and good intentions will enable you to go forward in the world and bring you success. The dream dog may also represent someone in your life who exhibits these qualities. Alternatively, to see a dog in your dream indicates a skill that you may have ignored or forgotten.
To see drawers in your dream signify your inner and hidden state and being. In particular, a disorderly drawer represents internal chaos and turmoil while an orderly drawer signifies calmness. Alternatively, a drawer symbolizes your reserves. There is something that you have stored away, but are now ready to use or express. If the drawer is full, then it symbolizes your many resources. If the drawer is empty, then it denotes your need to fulfill your goals.
I think I am dreaming about a forgotten or ignored skill. I'm ready to express it.
Of course, I have no idea what it is...but I'll pay attention.
What if it is your Reiki that is bubbling this up inside of me???
Thanks for the porcupine message. I would like to avoid the adult world, if at all possible!
My little one is getting more agreeable about spending time in the garden, if I let her water the plants. Of course she is an absolute grub-bunny when her mom gets her, but so what. Filthy kids are happy,healthy kids!
My daughter-in-law, the one who lives near, told her mom that I had all of my children under one roof on my birthday. Her mom started crying. After digging and mowing today, while in the shower, I was back in the moment. That completely unexpected gift of having my children here for dinner...all five of them together, along with some of their loves...I was overwhelmed again with happiness and joy and sadness and longing, but also with love for you and my sisters.
That was the most amazing gift possible...I love you so much for that!
Love and hugs from Clare
time to free yourself...
Clare,
I wonder what the porcupine means?
Of course I have to search it…
see below…
That's pretty profound…
(For some reason I cannot get out of the green italics…so I'll type above it)
I am still getting used to this job. Some days I am confident and others I feel as if I have nothing good to offer. I am working with an incredibly talented woman whose first reaction is to criticize…
I offer an idea and she tells me why it's not feasible or sustainable.
I found that if I offer it several times she begins to warm up to it…
and eventually she might even incorporate it.
I'm going to a statewide breastfeeding summit tomorrow. Commonwealth Medical College has an initiative to improve breastfeeding rates in the state. My county is one of the lowest rates for breastfeeding in the state. I'm excited to see what I can do.
Today I am going to a meeting of the nurse-family partnership…
an agency that supports young families during the first two years of children's lives.
I suggested writing adversity screening and parenting support into a big grant for next year and and next month I am giving my childhood adversity talk to social workers and foster parents in the county.
I feel as if I am on to something here. Create attachments and secure families for better lives and health outcomes. This is what I've been wanting to impact for some time. I am excited about this aspect of work.
I have been playing with the reiki energy and symbols. I still want "proof" of an impact…
that's my scientific training coming out. I sense the energy, but cannot see results, so I doubt. I have to trust it to work. I will continue to send it to you.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I wonder what the porcupine means?
Of course I have to search it…
see below…
That's pretty profound…
(For some reason I cannot get out of the green italics…so I'll type above it)
I am still getting used to this job. Some days I am confident and others I feel as if I have nothing good to offer. I am working with an incredibly talented woman whose first reaction is to criticize…
I offer an idea and she tells me why it's not feasible or sustainable.
I found that if I offer it several times she begins to warm up to it…
and eventually she might even incorporate it.
I'm going to a statewide breastfeeding summit tomorrow. Commonwealth Medical College has an initiative to improve breastfeeding rates in the state. My county is one of the lowest rates for breastfeeding in the state. I'm excited to see what I can do.
Today I am going to a meeting of the nurse-family partnership…
an agency that supports young families during the first two years of children's lives.
I suggested writing adversity screening and parenting support into a big grant for next year and and next month I am giving my childhood adversity talk to social workers and foster parents in the county.
I feel as if I am on to something here. Create attachments and secure families for better lives and health outcomes. This is what I've been wanting to impact for some time. I am excited about this aspect of work.
I have been playing with the reiki energy and symbols. I still want "proof" of an impact…
that's my scientific training coming out. I sense the energy, but cannot see results, so I doubt. I have to trust it to work. I will continue to send it to you.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
You are being gently reminded not to get caught in the chaos of the adult world where fear, greed, and suffering are commonplace.
-Porcupine
It’s time to free yourself of guilt and shame and reclaim the innocence that you left behind as a child. Open your heart to those things that gave you joy as a child; remember fantasy and imagination and bring into your life again. Make sure that you do not to get caught in the chaos of the world, where fear, greed and suffering are commonplace.
from http://www.spirit-animals.com/porcupine
Sunday, May 22, 2016
porcupine
Hi Maggie,
Keep sending energy, please. The physical therapist gave me exercises to do, which I haven't been perfect about, but I am doing them and they are helping. She said she thought my wrist could regain the same flexibility and strength I had before the initial break. I have hope, but appreciate the support!
Your class sounded like fun. I wonder what the time flows like when one is a tree. Also, it would explain why I have the sense that trees are our elders. One of the first lessons I received about sentience came from a tree. When we lived on the farm, my ex decided to cut down a beautiful, mature choke cherry that provided such good shade. It's growth was pushing the dilapidated garage off center. When he cut it, I was overwhelmed with sadness. I was overcome. I could not understand where the waves of emotion were coming from. Then all of a sudden, I knew it was the tree.
I learned then that cutting down a tree is really a huge decision. It is taking a life. We don't have the right to just take any life we feel like.
He ended up ripping down the garage, years later. I felt such sadness again. That life was wasted for no reason. And we lost the shade that had made the back of the house so welcoming.
It's funny that you asked me what I think about my party now that I have had time to process. My friend, the one who was with me and S#3, asked the exact same question today. I went to a party given by someone else who was there, and some of the guests apologized for not being able to come. I commented that I was truly surprised. And then the question was raised again.
I'm not sure what I think. I did notice, though, that I am treating myself better. It's stupid little things. Like, I really don't like peanut butter, but it is inexpensive and a good source of protein, and so I buy it. This week, I bought almond butter. I really love almond butter. I noticed that there are little ways in which I am treating myself more lovingly. I think that is because of the party. Because so many people demonstrated that I am worth the efforts to celebrate.
I also noticed that I was looking at some pictures of myself and was feeling much less self-critical...more accepting. I think this is coming from the same place.
Another dream last night...I wonder if it is because we are on full moon...I dreamed I was hanging out with a porcupine. It was like she was my pet, yet she was my advisor. I wanted to do something that she was against, and she caught the skin of my hand with just two quills of her tail. She did not hurt me, though...
Then today, I sat and watched a pileated woodpecker perched on a sumach branch for at least 3 minutes, eating bugs out of last years berries. It was amazing. And I had a close encounter with a peace eagle.
Nature seems to be shouting at me.
And I am smiling!
Love and hugs from Clare
Keep sending energy, please. The physical therapist gave me exercises to do, which I haven't been perfect about, but I am doing them and they are helping. She said she thought my wrist could regain the same flexibility and strength I had before the initial break. I have hope, but appreciate the support!
Your class sounded like fun. I wonder what the time flows like when one is a tree. Also, it would explain why I have the sense that trees are our elders. One of the first lessons I received about sentience came from a tree. When we lived on the farm, my ex decided to cut down a beautiful, mature choke cherry that provided such good shade. It's growth was pushing the dilapidated garage off center. When he cut it, I was overwhelmed with sadness. I was overcome. I could not understand where the waves of emotion were coming from. Then all of a sudden, I knew it was the tree.
I learned then that cutting down a tree is really a huge decision. It is taking a life. We don't have the right to just take any life we feel like.
He ended up ripping down the garage, years later. I felt such sadness again. That life was wasted for no reason. And we lost the shade that had made the back of the house so welcoming.
It's funny that you asked me what I think about my party now that I have had time to process. My friend, the one who was with me and S#3, asked the exact same question today. I went to a party given by someone else who was there, and some of the guests apologized for not being able to come. I commented that I was truly surprised. And then the question was raised again.
I'm not sure what I think. I did notice, though, that I am treating myself better. It's stupid little things. Like, I really don't like peanut butter, but it is inexpensive and a good source of protein, and so I buy it. This week, I bought almond butter. I really love almond butter. I noticed that there are little ways in which I am treating myself more lovingly. I think that is because of the party. Because so many people demonstrated that I am worth the efforts to celebrate.
I also noticed that I was looking at some pictures of myself and was feeling much less self-critical...more accepting. I think this is coming from the same place.
Another dream last night...I wonder if it is because we are on full moon...I dreamed I was hanging out with a porcupine. It was like she was my pet, yet she was my advisor. I wanted to do something that she was against, and she caught the skin of my hand with just two quills of her tail. She did not hurt me, though...
Then today, I sat and watched a pileated woodpecker perched on a sumach branch for at least 3 minutes, eating bugs out of last years berries. It was amazing. And I had a close encounter with a peace eagle.
Nature seems to be shouting at me.
And I am smiling!
Love and hugs from Clare
Saturday, May 21, 2016
oak tree
Clare,
I wonder what we were celebrating? What was your impression?
I am sending healing energy your way. I have been attuned to do this and given certain symbols that allow it to travel a distance.
I feel like I am playing with it. I don't feel as if I possess the energy yet, but those I worked on commented on the energy I was sending them. I now have to practice…
and trust.
So, during the class we were talking about past lives…
2 of the women sense they were sisters previously and I was their mother.
I jokingly complained that I always have to be the serious, responsible one…my reiki healer told me I had some fun lives before…
when asked for details she told me of a 200 year "lifetime" as a sacred oak tree about 50 miles east of Stonehedge where witches danced and others worshipped. She told me is was about 1485 and that it was a delightful lifetime. If you are a tree you can apparently leave the structure for another life before the tree is dead…
and apparently another soul can take your place.
Perhaps I should visit that area and see what it feels like to me.
The 2 ladies told me they probably had danced around my trunk during that time…
I would not doubt it…
we are connected.
I love having universal sisters near by…
and biological sisters in my life too.
So, now that you've had time to process your surprise birthday party…
what are your impressions?
I'm curious to hear your insights.
I had an interesting conversation with my young man last night. His father is texting with him…
he's confused…
and hurt…
he kept coming back to one text in particular in which his father said, "maybe I can still have K." referring to his younger brother.
It seems to me that his father is once again acting preferentially towards the younger brother…
hurting the older.
We talked about finding a neutral space to meet with his father…
trying to reassure both of them that each matters to the other.
Why do I feel as if I am the therapist in all of this once again.
Interestingly, I am reading a book about attachment and parenting in children with trauma…
it is specifically about a little girl who was abused and neglected by her parents and then failed in multiple foster homes. It is really informative for the course I'm taking…
but even more informative for the young men…
it's given me clearer insight into some of their actions and reactions.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I wonder what we were celebrating? What was your impression?
I am sending healing energy your way. I have been attuned to do this and given certain symbols that allow it to travel a distance.
I feel like I am playing with it. I don't feel as if I possess the energy yet, but those I worked on commented on the energy I was sending them. I now have to practice…
and trust.
So, during the class we were talking about past lives…
2 of the women sense they were sisters previously and I was their mother.
I jokingly complained that I always have to be the serious, responsible one…my reiki healer told me I had some fun lives before…
when asked for details she told me of a 200 year "lifetime" as a sacred oak tree about 50 miles east of Stonehedge where witches danced and others worshipped. She told me is was about 1485 and that it was a delightful lifetime. If you are a tree you can apparently leave the structure for another life before the tree is dead…
and apparently another soul can take your place.
Perhaps I should visit that area and see what it feels like to me.
The 2 ladies told me they probably had danced around my trunk during that time…
I would not doubt it…
we are connected.
I love having universal sisters near by…
and biological sisters in my life too.
So, now that you've had time to process your surprise birthday party…
what are your impressions?
I'm curious to hear your insights.
I had an interesting conversation with my young man last night. His father is texting with him…
he's confused…
and hurt…
he kept coming back to one text in particular in which his father said, "maybe I can still have K." referring to his younger brother.
It seems to me that his father is once again acting preferentially towards the younger brother…
hurting the older.
We talked about finding a neutral space to meet with his father…
trying to reassure both of them that each matters to the other.
Why do I feel as if I am the therapist in all of this once again.
Interestingly, I am reading a book about attachment and parenting in children with trauma…
it is specifically about a little girl who was abused and neglected by her parents and then failed in multiple foster homes. It is really informative for the course I'm taking…
but even more informative for the young men…
it's given me clearer insight into some of their actions and reactions.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
last night
Last night I dreamed that we were celebrating. The whole family was together, us, our sibs, our kids and spouses and grandkids, and even including my ex's sister and all of her kids. And there were others...I think I was in the same space with the same large group as in the mountain lion dream. Someone, a paternal figure, and I'm pretty sure it was a former Quaker gentleman who was paternal with me, said we needed to celebrate. We needed to have a ball.
The rest of the dream was organizing, trying to keep an eye on kids, trying to get ball gowns and suits for everyone. It was like trying to herd cats, to use a cliche! The ball didn't happen but there was a lot of togetherness and excitement.
I woke up in the middle of the night, feeling off. I sat up, and was just thinking for a minute before I went to get some water. I was thinking about my body and wondered what it was all about...the way we carry abuse, why it happens, why it makes life so hard.
I got the message that it had to be hard enough to really change me. I had to understand how easy it is to become abusive when we have pain stored inside. Without that experiential learning, it would have been impossible to develop the empathy that allows me to look at abusers and know they were violated...something happened to destroy their/our/my humanity. Because in the moment of abuse, we are not abusing a person. We are discharging pain and we must objectify someone, remove their humanity, remove all inner understanding that they, too, have feelings.
And the fat...it is shame. It's shame...
Have fun with your workshop today. I am open to receive!
Love and hugs from Clare
The rest of the dream was organizing, trying to keep an eye on kids, trying to get ball gowns and suits for everyone. It was like trying to herd cats, to use a cliche! The ball didn't happen but there was a lot of togetherness and excitement.
I woke up in the middle of the night, feeling off. I sat up, and was just thinking for a minute before I went to get some water. I was thinking about my body and wondered what it was all about...the way we carry abuse, why it happens, why it makes life so hard.
I got the message that it had to be hard enough to really change me. I had to understand how easy it is to become abusive when we have pain stored inside. Without that experiential learning, it would have been impossible to develop the empathy that allows me to look at abusers and know they were violated...something happened to destroy their/our/my humanity. Because in the moment of abuse, we are not abusing a person. We are discharging pain and we must objectify someone, remove their humanity, remove all inner understanding that they, too, have feelings.
And the fat...it is shame. It's shame...
Have fun with your workshop today. I am open to receive!
Love and hugs from Clare
Thursday, May 19, 2016
yes, please
Hey Maggie,
Actually I was going to ask you to send me some reiki. When I fell off my shoes, I landed on the wrist I broke and it still hurts sometimes. If you could target there I would really appreciate it (left wrist). Otherwise, please send me whatever I need, whatever is appropriate, and please let me know what you notice.
Did you ever get a song from me?
S#5 had her surgery today. We have been playing Scrabble at a distance, and she is doing well. I Skyped with Mom today. Dad deigned to come talk to us. Usually he ignores us. It was weird. I didn't feel like I knew him...Kind of a family day, I guess.
I spent a few hours mowing, and have hours to go. And I need to get the gardens in. It is so hard to keep up with a toddler in the house! As I was mowing, I was doing my usual tallying of useful, edible, medicinal plants I was beheading in the name of conforming and keeping the neighbors happy.
I like the exercise, the freedom to walk and think, but I do get pissy about monocultures and conformity.
I need a shower. I'll be back, maybe tomorrow.
Love and hugs from Clare
Actually I was going to ask you to send me some reiki. When I fell off my shoes, I landed on the wrist I broke and it still hurts sometimes. If you could target there I would really appreciate it (left wrist). Otherwise, please send me whatever I need, whatever is appropriate, and please let me know what you notice.
Did you ever get a song from me?
S#5 had her surgery today. We have been playing Scrabble at a distance, and she is doing well. I Skyped with Mom today. Dad deigned to come talk to us. Usually he ignores us. It was weird. I didn't feel like I knew him...Kind of a family day, I guess.
I spent a few hours mowing, and have hours to go. And I need to get the gardens in. It is so hard to keep up with a toddler in the house! As I was mowing, I was doing my usual tallying of useful, edible, medicinal plants I was beheading in the name of conforming and keeping the neighbors happy.
I like the exercise, the freedom to walk and think, but I do get pissy about monocultures and conformity.
I need a shower. I'll be back, maybe tomorrow.
Love and hugs from Clare
flow reiki your way...
Clare,
Beautiful dream imagery…
perhaps you are being offered both sides of the feminine.
I think it's interesting that you invited others to see the animals and no one could see it.
You are a visionary once again.
My young man is coming to live with us on June 2. We have everything in but one clearance so they have set the date. The official court date is June 13. They said we do not have to attend unless someone steps forward to contest it. No one anticipates that happening.
June 2 is the last day of school for my young man, so he will come with no schedule or responsibilities. I hope that he quickly gets a job to fill some of his hours. Then we will find other things to fill his time.
I am really excited, but not naive, about his full time arrival.
I am taking a Reiki 2 class on Saturday. The lesson or skill to be learned is distance healing. Would you be willing to be my subject for distance healing? I need your permission to flow Reiki your way. Please?
I saw my plastic surgeon yesterday. He is going to revise the sides of my reconstruction to remove scar tissue that's causing pain and remove fat deposits from the margins. He can do it all under local anesthetic with sedation (hopefully) so recovery will be quick. Maybe they won't look quite so funky after.
Not much else going on here. A lot of mulching. We're planting some trees and transplanting some other plants around the yard. My body is getting stronger. That is a good thing.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Beautiful dream imagery…
perhaps you are being offered both sides of the feminine.
I think it's interesting that you invited others to see the animals and no one could see it.
You are a visionary once again.
My young man is coming to live with us on June 2. We have everything in but one clearance so they have set the date. The official court date is June 13. They said we do not have to attend unless someone steps forward to contest it. No one anticipates that happening.
June 2 is the last day of school for my young man, so he will come with no schedule or responsibilities. I hope that he quickly gets a job to fill some of his hours. Then we will find other things to fill his time.
I am really excited, but not naive, about his full time arrival.
I am taking a Reiki 2 class on Saturday. The lesson or skill to be learned is distance healing. Would you be willing to be my subject for distance healing? I need your permission to flow Reiki your way. Please?
I saw my plastic surgeon yesterday. He is going to revise the sides of my reconstruction to remove scar tissue that's causing pain and remove fat deposits from the margins. He can do it all under local anesthetic with sedation (hopefully) so recovery will be quick. Maybe they won't look quite so funky after.
Not much else going on here. A lot of mulching. We're planting some trees and transplanting some other plants around the yard. My body is getting stronger. That is a good thing.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
yet another dream
Hi Maggie,
So I had another dream last night.
I dreamed I was in the farmhouse where my kids grew up. I was in the kitchen, looking out the huge picture window, gazing at the barn. I saw a beautiful mountain lion walk along the front of the barn, carrying a dead deer. It set the deer down by the barn and stood there. I was in awe of its beauty, and very curious about what it was doing.
There were a lot of people in my house, making a lot of noise. I was encouraging them to come and see. At first no one came, and then a few people looked, but no one could see it.
I stepped out on the back porch, it was one of those dream moments that felt real. I was wondering if the dark was becoming dangerous...
So, of course, I looked up mountain lion/cougar. Both animals represent the feminine. Mountain lion is power. Balance of body, mind, spirit. It brings a message to take charge of one's life. It is aggressive, powerful, solitary feminine.
Deer is instinctual, gentleness, compassion and meekness.
Powerful female is devouring meek female. Maybe...
I asked my psychic neighbor what she thought. She said the mountain lion brought me an offering. That shocked me. I understood immediately, but never would have thought of that.
Maybe I am finding a stronger voice...
Love and hugs from Clare
So I had another dream last night.
I dreamed I was in the farmhouse where my kids grew up. I was in the kitchen, looking out the huge picture window, gazing at the barn. I saw a beautiful mountain lion walk along the front of the barn, carrying a dead deer. It set the deer down by the barn and stood there. I was in awe of its beauty, and very curious about what it was doing.
There were a lot of people in my house, making a lot of noise. I was encouraging them to come and see. At first no one came, and then a few people looked, but no one could see it.
I stepped out on the back porch, it was one of those dream moments that felt real. I was wondering if the dark was becoming dangerous...
So, of course, I looked up mountain lion/cougar. Both animals represent the feminine. Mountain lion is power. Balance of body, mind, spirit. It brings a message to take charge of one's life. It is aggressive, powerful, solitary feminine.
Deer is instinctual, gentleness, compassion and meekness.
Powerful female is devouring meek female. Maybe...
I asked my psychic neighbor what she thought. She said the mountain lion brought me an offering. That shocked me. I understood immediately, but never would have thought of that.
Maybe I am finding a stronger voice...
Love and hugs from Clare
Monday, May 16, 2016
voice
Hi Maggie,
When tests come, they come in bunches. Your new son will be testing you, but he will do so less and less. Was he smoking by himself?
I love the fact that you challenged him about expecting to be bored, or planning to be bored. Perfect!!
I'm glad your husband was not crazy abut the hypnotist. Apparently it was your test, and he was the channel.
With the dreams, I think I am finding my voice, as well as recognizing what most likely happened to us. I'm still not quite to a point where I own it, because I don't remember. But that is the point of sexually abusing infants. They can not verbalize besides screaming. And many things make them scream. Sexual abuse is not one of the first things we consider.
I feel like much of my life has been one long, silent, voiceless scream.
That sentence brought tears...I never thought that before.
In my dreams, I am screaming. I am furious.
In the first, I was simply screaming I can't stand this, I don't want to see/know. In the second I was screaming at the perpetrator. In the other, which may have been chronologically second, I was screaming at the victim, trying to keep them awake and aware...not to bury...
This weekend we worked on white privilege. I did not know that there weren't white people before it was invented in the 1700s, I think, as a way to create racism. I did know the separation was created, because I read my Howard Zinn. Before racism was created, people identified by nationality and religion, but never by color.
I had a talk with another woman. I don't remember how it started,but I challenged her to think about being a woman and being unsafe walking down the street. Strange men feel they have the right to comment on our bodies. We are not safe, we are not free. She acknowledged that she felt bemused by men when they did that, like she was looking down on someone rather simple and stupid.
I wondered if that is the way people with darker skin who have been disempowered feel about people with lighter skin who are oblivious.
But to me it is just a cover. We use our bemusedness to cover our clear comprehension that we are just a body that can be taken and used. We are not a person and we are not safe.
Then someone else told a story about a soc class where the professor asked everyone to take out a piece of paper and write down all the steps they take each day to make sure they are safe. The female students began writing furiously. The male students were dumbfounded. What do you mean? They had nothing to write. And so we keep thinking, keep analyzing, maybe keep screaming...
Love and hugs from Clare
When tests come, they come in bunches. Your new son will be testing you, but he will do so less and less. Was he smoking by himself?
I love the fact that you challenged him about expecting to be bored, or planning to be bored. Perfect!!
I'm glad your husband was not crazy abut the hypnotist. Apparently it was your test, and he was the channel.
With the dreams, I think I am finding my voice, as well as recognizing what most likely happened to us. I'm still not quite to a point where I own it, because I don't remember. But that is the point of sexually abusing infants. They can not verbalize besides screaming. And many things make them scream. Sexual abuse is not one of the first things we consider.
I feel like much of my life has been one long, silent, voiceless scream.
That sentence brought tears...I never thought that before.
In my dreams, I am screaming. I am furious.
In the first, I was simply screaming I can't stand this, I don't want to see/know. In the second I was screaming at the perpetrator. In the other, which may have been chronologically second, I was screaming at the victim, trying to keep them awake and aware...not to bury...
This weekend we worked on white privilege. I did not know that there weren't white people before it was invented in the 1700s, I think, as a way to create racism. I did know the separation was created, because I read my Howard Zinn. Before racism was created, people identified by nationality and religion, but never by color.
I had a talk with another woman. I don't remember how it started,but I challenged her to think about being a woman and being unsafe walking down the street. Strange men feel they have the right to comment on our bodies. We are not safe, we are not free. She acknowledged that she felt bemused by men when they did that, like she was looking down on someone rather simple and stupid.
I wondered if that is the way people with darker skin who have been disempowered feel about people with lighter skin who are oblivious.
But to me it is just a cover. We use our bemusedness to cover our clear comprehension that we are just a body that can be taken and used. We are not a person and we are not safe.
Then someone else told a story about a soc class where the professor asked everyone to take out a piece of paper and write down all the steps they take each day to make sure they are safe. The female students began writing furiously. The male students were dumbfounded. What do you mean? They had nothing to write. And so we keep thinking, keep analyzing, maybe keep screaming...
Love and hugs from Clare
tests
Clare,
The dreams are telling you something…
in a big way that is capturing your attention.
Look for the common thread…
messages come until we get them.
We had an interesting weekend.
The older of the young men confessed that he had gone into the woods and smoked pot.
When asked why, he told me he was bored. He also told me he brought it along with him. So I asked why he planned on being bored and needing pot. He thought for a while and said it doesn't make sense. I asked him to think and then talk. Later we talked and he admitted he was testing us. Testing to see if we would reject him. Testing to see if we have boundaries. Testing to see if we really care. I assured him I love him, but do not like the action. We talked about the saboteur archetype. He said he would consider this concept.
We talked about transitions and how frightening they can be…
how much courage is required to say yes…
how much energy it requires to not be stagnant.
I think he understands. I think he feels remorse. I think we passed the test.
His consequence is to not get a special basketball shoe that he has been working towards for another week. That hit him hard, but he didn't get angry or manipulative. He did try to negotiate for another consequence, so I know I chose well.
Life is always interesting.
Husband did see the hypnotist. He felt ambivalence. He did undergo hypnosis. I have not seen a difference in his stress, but time will tell. We talked about the visit at greater length yesterday as we drove to NY to move our oldest home, preparing for the next step in her journey.
Anyway, I've got an meeting to prepare for.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
The dreams are telling you something…
in a big way that is capturing your attention.
Look for the common thread…
messages come until we get them.
We had an interesting weekend.
The older of the young men confessed that he had gone into the woods and smoked pot.
When asked why, he told me he was bored. He also told me he brought it along with him. So I asked why he planned on being bored and needing pot. He thought for a while and said it doesn't make sense. I asked him to think and then talk. Later we talked and he admitted he was testing us. Testing to see if we would reject him. Testing to see if we have boundaries. Testing to see if we really care. I assured him I love him, but do not like the action. We talked about the saboteur archetype. He said he would consider this concept.
We talked about transitions and how frightening they can be…
how much courage is required to say yes…
how much energy it requires to not be stagnant.
I think he understands. I think he feels remorse. I think we passed the test.
His consequence is to not get a special basketball shoe that he has been working towards for another week. That hit him hard, but he didn't get angry or manipulative. He did try to negotiate for another consequence, so I know I chose well.
Life is always interesting.
Husband did see the hypnotist. He felt ambivalence. He did undergo hypnosis. I have not seen a difference in his stress, but time will tell. We talked about the visit at greater length yesterday as we drove to NY to move our oldest home, preparing for the next step in her journey.
Anyway, I've got an meeting to prepare for.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sunday, May 15, 2016
It's gotta flow
Hey Maggie,
Sometimes when the really weird things happen, it is a test or it is a lesson. I'm not sure which your visit to the hypnotist was, but I think it was a test. Would you fall for that negativity, or would you know that you are not what she was seeing? It also makes me think of The Four Agreements. One of the agreements is that when someone is very negative, it is more about them than about you.
I am curious about how your husband found this practitioner. Did he have a session? What was his impression...
I am grateful to your reiki healer!
Your last observation, that you expect your husband to make up for the sins of our family reminds me of something S#3 said once. She said once, years ago, that she thought you were making breakthroughs, remembering things, because your husband and you had created a safe place. He is definitely part of the healing, but I imagine you are giving him insight and pathways into healing the wounds from his own family.
It works like that.
I appreciate your insights about my dream. I realize that you see me as being stronger than I see myself. That amazes me, but it also helps me to see myself differently.
When you talked about my working with the perpetrator, I found I was more concerned about helping my grandson.
I have been having harsh dreams, pretty much since the dream about the baby in the big male hands, when I woke myself up with my psychic screams. I had another dream of a young boy who had been sexually victimized. I picked him up, and I was holding him, and I was absolutely emotional. I was telling him we had to go get counseling. We had to face this and talk about it and get healing now. I told him that if we didn't that when he grew up he would hurt children, and the cycle would never stop. I have been waking up very emotional and very emotionally lately.
I spent the weekend at a Quaker gathering. I feel like I am changing within the body. Next spring it will be 30 years since I began attending meeting. I was looking at some of these people, who I have known for 30 years. I see kids from my youth group with babies. I felt like we are an aging group, with not many younger families coming in. But then, before breakfast, when we were in a very large circle singing Morning Has Broken (some Friends know all three verses!) I saw my grandson with a group of three or four boys, all in the 5 - 7 range, and I felt hope...
I have the strongest sense that we are evolving as a group. Are we going to be flexible enough to weather the changes, or will we die back, trying to keep things the way they have always been...at least as long as we remember???
I facilitated a discussion for Nominations/Identifying Gifts. I am fascinated by the idea of identifying gifts. One Friend said that in their meeting, they ask others what their gift is. Okay...interesting. But not the same as having someone look at you and see something you have not yet identified. Part of the discussion focused on the fluidity of committees as well as considering whether we need each slot filled. It was thought provoking...
We also had an Experiment with Light session. The Friend who was going to elder got sick, so I said I would do it. I have trained as an elder, and I served as an elder for a Young Friend. This was the first time I have ever held a group. In the middle of the session, I got a message. When you hold someone in the Light, the Light has to flow.
Makes sense. It fits with thoughts of healing and thoughts of evolution...
I'll write more as I process.
Missing you...Love and hugs from Clare
Sometimes when the really weird things happen, it is a test or it is a lesson. I'm not sure which your visit to the hypnotist was, but I think it was a test. Would you fall for that negativity, or would you know that you are not what she was seeing? It also makes me think of The Four Agreements. One of the agreements is that when someone is very negative, it is more about them than about you.
I am curious about how your husband found this practitioner. Did he have a session? What was his impression...
I am grateful to your reiki healer!
Your last observation, that you expect your husband to make up for the sins of our family reminds me of something S#3 said once. She said once, years ago, that she thought you were making breakthroughs, remembering things, because your husband and you had created a safe place. He is definitely part of the healing, but I imagine you are giving him insight and pathways into healing the wounds from his own family.
It works like that.
I appreciate your insights about my dream. I realize that you see me as being stronger than I see myself. That amazes me, but it also helps me to see myself differently.
When you talked about my working with the perpetrator, I found I was more concerned about helping my grandson.
I have been having harsh dreams, pretty much since the dream about the baby in the big male hands, when I woke myself up with my psychic screams. I had another dream of a young boy who had been sexually victimized. I picked him up, and I was holding him, and I was absolutely emotional. I was telling him we had to go get counseling. We had to face this and talk about it and get healing now. I told him that if we didn't that when he grew up he would hurt children, and the cycle would never stop. I have been waking up very emotional and very emotionally lately.
I spent the weekend at a Quaker gathering. I feel like I am changing within the body. Next spring it will be 30 years since I began attending meeting. I was looking at some of these people, who I have known for 30 years. I see kids from my youth group with babies. I felt like we are an aging group, with not many younger families coming in. But then, before breakfast, when we were in a very large circle singing Morning Has Broken (some Friends know all three verses!) I saw my grandson with a group of three or four boys, all in the 5 - 7 range, and I felt hope...
I have the strongest sense that we are evolving as a group. Are we going to be flexible enough to weather the changes, or will we die back, trying to keep things the way they have always been...at least as long as we remember???
I facilitated a discussion for Nominations/Identifying Gifts. I am fascinated by the idea of identifying gifts. One Friend said that in their meeting, they ask others what their gift is. Okay...interesting. But not the same as having someone look at you and see something you have not yet identified. Part of the discussion focused on the fluidity of committees as well as considering whether we need each slot filled. It was thought provoking...
We also had an Experiment with Light session. The Friend who was going to elder got sick, so I said I would do it. I have trained as an elder, and I served as an elder for a Young Friend. This was the first time I have ever held a group. In the middle of the session, I got a message. When you hold someone in the Light, the Light has to flow.
Makes sense. It fits with thoughts of healing and thoughts of evolution...
I'll write more as I process.
Missing you...Love and hugs from Clare
Friday, May 13, 2016
compassion and empathy
Clare,
I dreamed that my oldest grandson was here.I walked in the bathroom and an old friend of my ex's was in the bathroom also with a towel wrapped around his waist. I asked him if he had molested my grandson and he said yes. I shoved him into the water, he was pushed up into the corner of the tub. I stepped insode the tub and I was furious, and I tried to kick him. I kept trying to kick him and he was passively awaiting a beating. But I couldn't move my foot through the water.
What a dream…
I'm sorry …
it sounds traumatic.
I'll share my impressions from reading it.
First- congratulations you found voice to confront violence and molestation…
you spoke the words out loud.
You allowed your grandson to see you defend him…
a huge piece for maintaining trust and a sense of worth.
You not only pushed this figure away, you got into the water and were "bigger" than he was. You were not intimidated, isolated, and fear motivated you, rather than paralyzing you.
You see this perpetrator as passively awaiting a beating…
perhaps as they had reacted when they were violated as a child…
but you were not able to follow through…
you did not violate despite wanting to hurt this figure.
The water is a deep image…
I think of it as cleansing…
but in this case it seems to have slowed down your movement allowing you space to respond, rather than react…
compassion - perhaps empathy- took over.
I wonder what you would have done next.
I imagine this male figure transforming into some animal figure…
something you love- like a dog…
and you finding a way to work through the traumatic events with compassion and empathy.
I went to a hypnotist on Wednesday. It was awful. Husband found this practitioner and asked me to accompany him. I realized about a week ago that I too had an appointment. I didn't know what to ask her to change through hypnosis. I thought about binge eating, anger, body image…so many points of improvement possible in my life.
I spoke to her for about an hour…
she was very intrusive…
accusing me of being demanding and spoiled…
she told me to examine my expectations of husband as well as family…
and to get some friends…
she was so confusing.
She told me she couldn't help me with hypnosis.
I left there feeling exhausted and confused. I felt 'slimed' energetically.
I slept on the drive back…
and a lot that evening and night.
I woke up feeling nauseated and 'slimy'.
I ended up calling my reiki healer and asked her to clean me up. She told me that there was a lot of negative energy around my 1st and 4th chakras…
but that my energy field was able to keep it outside of me body.
The difference between before and after session was amazing.
What a strange experience.
So I am left to process this and find some wisdom from the experience.
It brings up a lot of self-doubt and self-examination (the Catholic type of self-examination).
I did come to realize that I expect husband to make up for the sins of our family of origin…
for that insight I am grateful.
I love the tapping sparrow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I dreamed that my oldest grandson was here.I walked in the bathroom and an old friend of my ex's was in the bathroom also with a towel wrapped around his waist. I asked him if he had molested my grandson and he said yes. I shoved him into the water, he was pushed up into the corner of the tub. I stepped insode the tub and I was furious, and I tried to kick him. I kept trying to kick him and he was passively awaiting a beating. But I couldn't move my foot through the water.
What a dream…
I'm sorry …
it sounds traumatic.
I'll share my impressions from reading it.
First- congratulations you found voice to confront violence and molestation…
you spoke the words out loud.
You allowed your grandson to see you defend him…
a huge piece for maintaining trust and a sense of worth.
You not only pushed this figure away, you got into the water and were "bigger" than he was. You were not intimidated, isolated, and fear motivated you, rather than paralyzing you.
You see this perpetrator as passively awaiting a beating…
perhaps as they had reacted when they were violated as a child…
but you were not able to follow through…
you did not violate despite wanting to hurt this figure.
The water is a deep image…
I think of it as cleansing…
but in this case it seems to have slowed down your movement allowing you space to respond, rather than react…
compassion - perhaps empathy- took over.
I wonder what you would have done next.
I imagine this male figure transforming into some animal figure…
something you love- like a dog…
and you finding a way to work through the traumatic events with compassion and empathy.
I went to a hypnotist on Wednesday. It was awful. Husband found this practitioner and asked me to accompany him. I realized about a week ago that I too had an appointment. I didn't know what to ask her to change through hypnosis. I thought about binge eating, anger, body image…so many points of improvement possible in my life.
I spoke to her for about an hour…
she was very intrusive…
accusing me of being demanding and spoiled…
she told me to examine my expectations of husband as well as family…
and to get some friends…
she was so confusing.
She told me she couldn't help me with hypnosis.
I left there feeling exhausted and confused. I felt 'slimed' energetically.
I slept on the drive back…
and a lot that evening and night.
I woke up feeling nauseated and 'slimy'.
I ended up calling my reiki healer and asked her to clean me up. She told me that there was a lot of negative energy around my 1st and 4th chakras…
but that my energy field was able to keep it outside of me body.
The difference between before and after session was amazing.
What a strange experience.
So I am left to process this and find some wisdom from the experience.
It brings up a lot of self-doubt and self-examination (the Catholic type of self-examination).
I did come to realize that I expect husband to make up for the sins of our family of origin…
for that insight I am grateful.
I love the tapping sparrow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
chipping sparrow
Hi Sister,
This morning, while I was working, a bird tapped and fluttered at the big south facing window in my dining room. I was definitely distracted, and the dogs were intrigued. But I didn't get too close. Then, this afternoon, while my little one was sleeping on my lap, it came to the window next to my desk. It sat right on the privet and looked at me, and then it did it's fluttering and tapping. I identified it - as a chipping sparrow.
So of course I looked up sparrow. And as soon as I did it left. Obviously it completed its mission with the thick-brained human!
http://gaiaearthoracle.com/?p=532
It's all about empowerment and self-love.
It ends with: When the sparrow comes to you, know that hard times are ending and through your own efforts and persistence and the support of your community, all will come forward to resolution despite apparent obstacles.
I like that!
So, my dream...
I dreamed that my oldest grandson was here.I walked in the bathroom and an old friend of my ex's was in the bathroom also with a towel wrapped around his waist. I asked him if he had molested my grandson and he said yes. I shoved him into the water, he was pushed up into the corner of the tub. I stepped insode the tub and I was furious, and I tried to kick him. I kept trying to kick him and he was passively awaiting a beating. But I couldn't move my foot through the water.
I woke up furious.
I know it was all symbolic. I keep thinking about the water, which usually stands for emotions. I couldn;t get through it.
I wonder how much my emotions or lack or emotions or maybe control of emotions keeps me silent, or inadequate or not able to defend...myself or my loved ones.
Just reading and saw the word obstacle above, and thought about emotions being my obstacle. I let fear stop me...
I will be thinking about this. All thoughts are welcome...
Love and hugs from Clare
This morning, while I was working, a bird tapped and fluttered at the big south facing window in my dining room. I was definitely distracted, and the dogs were intrigued. But I didn't get too close. Then, this afternoon, while my little one was sleeping on my lap, it came to the window next to my desk. It sat right on the privet and looked at me, and then it did it's fluttering and tapping. I identified it - as a chipping sparrow.
So of course I looked up sparrow. And as soon as I did it left. Obviously it completed its mission with the thick-brained human!
http://gaiaearthoracle.com/?p=532
It's all about empowerment and self-love.
It ends with: When the sparrow comes to you, know that hard times are ending and through your own efforts and persistence and the support of your community, all will come forward to resolution despite apparent obstacles.
I like that!
So, my dream...
I dreamed that my oldest grandson was here.I walked in the bathroom and an old friend of my ex's was in the bathroom also with a towel wrapped around his waist. I asked him if he had molested my grandson and he said yes. I shoved him into the water, he was pushed up into the corner of the tub. I stepped insode the tub and I was furious, and I tried to kick him. I kept trying to kick him and he was passively awaiting a beating. But I couldn't move my foot through the water.
I woke up furious.
I know it was all symbolic. I keep thinking about the water, which usually stands for emotions. I couldn;t get through it.
I wonder how much my emotions or lack or emotions or maybe control of emotions keeps me silent, or inadequate or not able to defend...myself or my loved ones.
Just reading and saw the word obstacle above, and thought about emotions being my obstacle. I let fear stop me...
I will be thinking about this. All thoughts are welcome...
Love and hugs from Clare
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
debriefing
Hi Maggie,
I'm so glad the shoes can be exchanged. I'm wearing those babies. I intend to glitter my way through life. (This is the problem with going barefoot. My feet are very wide.) When my granddaughter becomes uncooperative in public I do silly walks. It changes her attitude immediately. She imitates me and giggles a lot. This little spectacle will be spectacular in those shoes!
I am sorry you missed the reunion with your godson, but it was perfect. What you actually gave me was a perfect birthday. That evening, although it was completely unplanned, I had my five children together, under one roof. It was amazing. It was perfect.
If I had seen him for the first time at the park, I would not have had the freedom to have had that release. I didn't sob, I SOBBED. There was nothing half-hearted or timid about my tears or my gasps. I think when we are separated from those we truly love, it causes a psychic ache. And when we are reunited, we can acknowledge the pain of separation. I cried again as he drove away...
The funny thing I noticed about the party was that there were no Quakers there. That whole part of my life was sort of skipped over by my kids.
But everything was perfect.
As I was walking toward the crowd, beginning to realize everyone was watching me, waiting for me, I did start to panic. But my inner-Mama reminded me to calm down, stay centered, accept. I did it. It was hard to hear a few people tell me how wonderful I am, but somehow inner-Mama kept me still and centered as I listened...
Maybe I'm growing up.
There were a lot of really nice comments about your foster son. He was so composed and forthright and unafraid to speak up. It is easy to see why you care about him so much. He is definitely a special soul.
I have a big Quaker gathering this weekend. I am struggling a bit with the Papa Delana feelings you described...the exact same thing you shared...Am I getting sick? Who is going to take the dogs...Between Nephew and youngest's boyfriend - the dogs are covered. So I am going. I almost always go...It always has calm, centered moments, and then those moments where I feel on the outside.
OK, so tomorrow I will tell you about a dream I had, and ask you what some of the symbolism might mean...
Love and hugs from Clare
I'm so glad the shoes can be exchanged. I'm wearing those babies. I intend to glitter my way through life. (This is the problem with going barefoot. My feet are very wide.) When my granddaughter becomes uncooperative in public I do silly walks. It changes her attitude immediately. She imitates me and giggles a lot. This little spectacle will be spectacular in those shoes!
I am sorry you missed the reunion with your godson, but it was perfect. What you actually gave me was a perfect birthday. That evening, although it was completely unplanned, I had my five children together, under one roof. It was amazing. It was perfect.
If I had seen him for the first time at the park, I would not have had the freedom to have had that release. I didn't sob, I SOBBED. There was nothing half-hearted or timid about my tears or my gasps. I think when we are separated from those we truly love, it causes a psychic ache. And when we are reunited, we can acknowledge the pain of separation. I cried again as he drove away...
The funny thing I noticed about the party was that there were no Quakers there. That whole part of my life was sort of skipped over by my kids.
But everything was perfect.
As I was walking toward the crowd, beginning to realize everyone was watching me, waiting for me, I did start to panic. But my inner-Mama reminded me to calm down, stay centered, accept. I did it. It was hard to hear a few people tell me how wonderful I am, but somehow inner-Mama kept me still and centered as I listened...
Maybe I'm growing up.
There were a lot of really nice comments about your foster son. He was so composed and forthright and unafraid to speak up. It is easy to see why you care about him so much. He is definitely a special soul.
I have a big Quaker gathering this weekend. I am struggling a bit with the Papa Delana feelings you described...the exact same thing you shared...Am I getting sick? Who is going to take the dogs...Between Nephew and youngest's boyfriend - the dogs are covered. So I am going. I almost always go...It always has calm, centered moments, and then those moments where I feel on the outside.
OK, so tomorrow I will tell you about a dream I had, and ask you what some of the symbolism might mean...
Love and hugs from Clare
gratitude
Clare,
I'm glad that you allowed us to celebrate you.
I'm glad that you accept the love this was/is offered.
I hope that you know how incredibly special you are.
You mean a lot to me,,,
and to our family…
hold on to that.
The shoes can be enlarged…
I will take care of it.
I have to tell you an interesting opening I had. LAst week I was going through all of the usual sabotage aspects for the trip. I'm getting sick. It's too much driving. What about the dogs? My youngest will be home alone. My young man gets car sick…
you name it…
I was trying to convince myself that the drive was too much for a party. I was channeling my inner Papa Delana. Friday evening, S#3 texted S#5 and I that you sobbed when your son appeared.
My reaction was irrational, but, I was pissed off…
how dare she ask for financial assistance and then not allow us to see the surprise!
What an immature, Delana-like, nobody appreciates me response. I am embarrassed to admit this stuff.
Of course you should have maximal time with him- it was such a short visit.
But, sister #3 likes the spotlight...
The point of the disclosure is that no matter how mature I become there is always a little girl hoping for someone to notice and appreciate my stuff. Thank you for acknowledging the gift- I am glad you like the shoes and loved the visit with your oldest son.
Maybe I will eventually grow up.
I am heading to work soon. I have to go figure out how to assert myself without being offensive. I feel as if I am on a tightrope at the office. I'm asking for guidance before I go into the space to help me choose my words and sending reiki to the space so it is open and healing.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I'm glad that you allowed us to celebrate you.
I'm glad that you accept the love this was/is offered.
I hope that you know how incredibly special you are.
You mean a lot to me,,,
and to our family…
hold on to that.
The shoes can be enlarged…
I will take care of it.
I have to tell you an interesting opening I had. LAst week I was going through all of the usual sabotage aspects for the trip. I'm getting sick. It's too much driving. What about the dogs? My youngest will be home alone. My young man gets car sick…
you name it…
I was trying to convince myself that the drive was too much for a party. I was channeling my inner Papa Delana. Friday evening, S#3 texted S#5 and I that you sobbed when your son appeared.
My reaction was irrational, but, I was pissed off…
how dare she ask for financial assistance and then not allow us to see the surprise!
What an immature, Delana-like, nobody appreciates me response. I am embarrassed to admit this stuff.
Of course you should have maximal time with him- it was such a short visit.
But, sister #3 likes the spotlight...
The point of the disclosure is that no matter how mature I become there is always a little girl hoping for someone to notice and appreciate my stuff. Thank you for acknowledging the gift- I am glad you like the shoes and loved the visit with your oldest son.
Maybe I will eventually grow up.
I am heading to work soon. I have to go figure out how to assert myself without being offensive. I feel as if I am on a tightrope at the office. I'm asking for guidance before I go into the space to help me choose my words and sending reiki to the space so it is open and healing.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, May 9, 2016
then more
And apparently there were surprises heaped on surprises.
Apparently, I was holding up my own party while I was at the grocery store trying to decide what to make when my kids came for dinner.
Apparently I am oblivious or naive, and I believe anything anyone tells me.
And apparently S#3 is a great liar.
Apparently text messages were flying while I was shopping, S#3 was rolling her eyes at me behind my back, as she was being told to just tell me No! - no shopping, I didn't need to pick up anything.
This pushed all my buttons. It was very hard to feel worthy of this. But I quashed that down and stayed mellow and accepted the love.
Thank you so much.
I know you were part of it.
The biggest laugh definitely came from the shoes - gold sequined sneakers -which I will not be able to fall off of! I appreciate your sense of humor and intend to wear them, publicly, a lot.
I'll be back tomorrow, back to details of a dream I had, and what I think it might mean...but, tomorrow. Today - I'll bask in my memory for one more day.
Love and hugs and even more love...and another hug.
Clare
Apparently, I was holding up my own party while I was at the grocery store trying to decide what to make when my kids came for dinner.
Apparently I am oblivious or naive, and I believe anything anyone tells me.
And apparently S#3 is a great liar.
Apparently text messages were flying while I was shopping, S#3 was rolling her eyes at me behind my back, as she was being told to just tell me No! - no shopping, I didn't need to pick up anything.
This pushed all my buttons. It was very hard to feel worthy of this. But I quashed that down and stayed mellow and accepted the love.
Thank you so much.
I know you were part of it.
The biggest laugh definitely came from the shoes - gold sequined sneakers -which I will not be able to fall off of! I appreciate your sense of humor and intend to wear them, publicly, a lot.
I'll be back tomorrow, back to details of a dream I had, and what I think it might mean...but, tomorrow. Today - I'll bask in my memory for one more day.
Love and hugs and even more love...and another hug.
Clare
Friday, May 6, 2016
Surprise!!
Thank you...Thank you...Thank you...
I was so shocked to see my son this morning. S#3 arrived, and asked me to come out to her car to get my gift.
I said, "It's not alive, is it?"
She promised me that it was not another dog.
I walked out, chatting and your godson stepped out from behind the car, and I started sobbing. I could not stop. And through my tears I said, "This is so cool."
S#3 told me she asked you and S#5 for help to get him out here.
Thank you...Thank you.
I will write more on Sunday.
Love and hugs from Clare
I was so shocked to see my son this morning. S#3 arrived, and asked me to come out to her car to get my gift.
I said, "It's not alive, is it?"
She promised me that it was not another dog.
I walked out, chatting and your godson stepped out from behind the car, and I started sobbing. I could not stop. And through my tears I said, "This is so cool."
S#3 told me she asked you and S#5 for help to get him out here.
Thank you...Thank you.
I will write more on Sunday.
Love and hugs from Clare
Thursday, May 5, 2016
sharing
Clare,
I finished this week's trauma lesson and found it fascinating. Much of the work he talks about is embodied in what we've accomplished here. I am going to share it with you. It is powerful- about parts of our personality that protect and exile us. It is in 2 X 1.25 hour sessions.
http://traumacertificate2016.kajabi.com/posts/internal-family-systems-part-1--2
The user name is my email address and password is my birth month and 2 digit year of birth…
I'll be back later.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I finished this week's trauma lesson and found it fascinating. Much of the work he talks about is embodied in what we've accomplished here. I am going to share it with you. It is powerful- about parts of our personality that protect and exile us. It is in 2 X 1.25 hour sessions.
http://traumacertificate2016.kajabi.com/posts/internal-family-systems-part-1--2
The user name is my email address and password is my birth month and 2 digit year of birth…
I'll be back later.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
You are sneaky!
Hi Maggie,
Happy Grandma's birthday! I have been kind of thinking about her today. When I had the intergenerational pronoia moment, I actually felt like each gramma was holding one of my hands.
The whole idea of a web feels more real, more palpable when I realize my kids are in me as much as I am in them.
I went to a workshop with an herbalist named Ryan Drum years ago. He was talking about our grandmother's health affecting us. When Mom was in utero, her eggs were forming, and so we were all in Grammy. The potential of her womb is miraculous. It only works with daughters. But my little buddy was once an egg in her mama in me. Sounds like a children's song!
You are aware of people, and kind and very generous. It is a family pattern to not feel we are worth it. I like the way you set yourself up...you are, in effect, taking care of yourself. Rather than outwardly tending to you, you take a yoga class which open the door to deeper self-care.
You trick yourself into it! Sneaky, but effective!
I think we are frightened into protecting and isolating ourselves with ego...
I connected with all five of my kids today. It felt right. S#5 was talking about preparations she is making to have surgery, then recover. This is when it seems like we should all be closer...so we can help each other. Like when you had your surgery...I felt the distance. I felt helpless.
The only way for me to have it is to create it...by encouraging my kids to be close...
Have you had a song niggling into your mind yet?
Love and hugs from Clare
Happy Grandma's birthday! I have been kind of thinking about her today. When I had the intergenerational pronoia moment, I actually felt like each gramma was holding one of my hands.
The whole idea of a web feels more real, more palpable when I realize my kids are in me as much as I am in them.
I went to a workshop with an herbalist named Ryan Drum years ago. He was talking about our grandmother's health affecting us. When Mom was in utero, her eggs were forming, and so we were all in Grammy. The potential of her womb is miraculous. It only works with daughters. But my little buddy was once an egg in her mama in me. Sounds like a children's song!
You are aware of people, and kind and very generous. It is a family pattern to not feel we are worth it. I like the way you set yourself up...you are, in effect, taking care of yourself. Rather than outwardly tending to you, you take a yoga class which open the door to deeper self-care.
You trick yourself into it! Sneaky, but effective!
I think we are frightened into protecting and isolating ourselves with ego...
I connected with all five of my kids today. It felt right. S#5 was talking about preparations she is making to have surgery, then recover. This is when it seems like we should all be closer...so we can help each other. Like when you had your surgery...I felt the distance. I felt helpless.
The only way for me to have it is to create it...by encouraging my kids to be close...
Have you had a song niggling into your mind yet?
Love and hugs from Clare
ambushed in yoga
Clare,
I love that thought…
intergenerational pronoia.
I love it because I hold onto a concept of chimera…
I have read in the past that a woman absorbs some of her offsprings' DNA through placental transfer…
and carried them with her.
If that is true then she also has the genes of many generations who also absorbed some genes….
carrying ancient experiences.
There is also the concept of morphogenic evolution…
as a species we evolve through a common consciousness…
each member of a species can 'tap into' the consciousness (wavelength) through protein receptors found on the plasma membranes of the cells. If humans weren't so convinced that we are the highest form, we could actually learn from one another's experiences. We allow our ego to isolate us…
keep us in the left brain…
and avoid that deep connection.
Connection is what allows us to be happy and content in this life.
Last evening I did my usual Tuesday evening yoga class…
it's amazing…
As we were working on our hips I had a wave of emotion hit me…
I started tearing up…
I tried to get in touch with what I was releasing…
hips hold negative emotions and experiences.
I remembered 2 years ago…
this week…
going through the process of diagnosing my breast cancer.
once i acknowledged the cancer the tears flowed…
It was like an ambush of emotions.
I cried quietly for the rest of class…
tears streaming down my face…
but grateful for the release.
What an odd experience.
This morning I was meditating on that experience and wondered why I can be so unfeeling toward my own self…
I fight tears until they sneak up on me.
I am very caring about others.
I believe if you asked my friends they would say I am kind and compassionate.
But I fail to extend that to myself.
Something to work on.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I love that thought…
intergenerational pronoia.
I love it because I hold onto a concept of chimera…
I have read in the past that a woman absorbs some of her offsprings' DNA through placental transfer…
and carried them with her.
If that is true then she also has the genes of many generations who also absorbed some genes….
carrying ancient experiences.
There is also the concept of morphogenic evolution…
as a species we evolve through a common consciousness…
each member of a species can 'tap into' the consciousness (wavelength) through protein receptors found on the plasma membranes of the cells. If humans weren't so convinced that we are the highest form, we could actually learn from one another's experiences. We allow our ego to isolate us…
keep us in the left brain…
and avoid that deep connection.
Connection is what allows us to be happy and content in this life.
Last evening I did my usual Tuesday evening yoga class…
it's amazing…
As we were working on our hips I had a wave of emotion hit me…
I started tearing up…
I tried to get in touch with what I was releasing…
hips hold negative emotions and experiences.
I remembered 2 years ago…
this week…
going through the process of diagnosing my breast cancer.
once i acknowledged the cancer the tears flowed…
It was like an ambush of emotions.
I cried quietly for the rest of class…
tears streaming down my face…
but grateful for the release.
What an odd experience.
This morning I was meditating on that experience and wondered why I can be so unfeeling toward my own self…
I fight tears until they sneak up on me.
I am very caring about others.
I believe if you asked my friends they would say I am kind and compassionate.
But I fail to extend that to myself.
Something to work on.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
intergenerational pronoia
Hey Sister,
I found the most amazing, thought-provoking quote today.
If we carry intergenerational trauma (and we do), then we also carry intergenerational wisdom. It's in our genes and in our DNA. -Kazu Haga
It switched everything around for me.
Yeah, we have the generations of trauma and programmed in responses. Yeah, we have lines of abusers leading up to us. But each one was also abused.
Abused and Abuser. As am I. We can't escape.
One of my favorite books ever, and I have mentioned it before, is Rob Brezsny's Pronoia. The premise is that the universe is conspiring to help you. And suddenly I got a big chunk of understanding.
I suddenly saw our family lines, generations of people standing, watching us, cheering us on, being available, wanting us to free our line from the generations of slime we have tried to survive in. Every one of those abusers whom I have resented, they want me/us to see them, truly see them, and to break the patterns. They are as much the isolated, shamed child as they are monster lashing out to relieve pain.
Even Dad.
I Skyped with Mom this week and Dad would not say hello or acknowledge me or my granddaughter, although he was in the room. And I really didn't care. I don't know if I want to be that person who doesn't care. But I have removed myself so much, that I don't care...
A friend has asked me if I want to help found an ACA group here in my village. I have been reading the handbook. Some of the terminology has changed in the last 25 years. It is hitting me. I'll share at some time in the future, I'm sure.
Still sending you a song...
And love and hugs,
Clare
I found the most amazing, thought-provoking quote today.
If we carry intergenerational trauma (and we do), then we also carry intergenerational wisdom. It's in our genes and in our DNA. -Kazu Haga
It switched everything around for me.
Yeah, we have the generations of trauma and programmed in responses. Yeah, we have lines of abusers leading up to us. But each one was also abused.
Abused and Abuser. As am I. We can't escape.
One of my favorite books ever, and I have mentioned it before, is Rob Brezsny's Pronoia. The premise is that the universe is conspiring to help you. And suddenly I got a big chunk of understanding.
I suddenly saw our family lines, generations of people standing, watching us, cheering us on, being available, wanting us to free our line from the generations of slime we have tried to survive in. Every one of those abusers whom I have resented, they want me/us to see them, truly see them, and to break the patterns. They are as much the isolated, shamed child as they are monster lashing out to relieve pain.
Even Dad.
I Skyped with Mom this week and Dad would not say hello or acknowledge me or my granddaughter, although he was in the room. And I really didn't care. I don't know if I want to be that person who doesn't care. But I have removed myself so much, that I don't care...
A friend has asked me if I want to help found an ACA group here in my village. I have been reading the handbook. Some of the terminology has changed in the last 25 years. It is hitting me. I'll share at some time in the future, I'm sure.
Still sending you a song...
And love and hugs,
Clare
Monday, May 2, 2016
nah...name that tune
I like your challenge, Maggie,
But let's make it just a little easier to begin. I am going to think of a song. I am going to play it and listen to it, and think about it...create my own ear-worm, so to speak. I am going to tell S#3 what the song is. She can verify if we managed to share it. Then you go next. Give it two or three days before you guess. I will start after I post this and send a message to S#3.
Our regional meeting is in two weeks. My grandkids love to go, so we are going. This year's theme is White Privilege. Quite a few Friends went to the recent weekend workshop in Philly. I expect to be hit with things I don't want to face, but which will make me a better person.
Your presentation on climate change sounded perfect. We need to talk about it.
So one of my children told another that they resented the younger because the youngest had an easier childhood.
It made me think of us, of some of the resentment aimed at the youngest two sisters because they seemed to have escaped the infant abuse I think the rest of us faced, well, except B#4. The resentment aimed at them because Dad actually seemed to recognize and treasure them. The resentment that comes from seeing that they were worth educating when the rest of us weren't.
My youngest did have an easier childhood, because I went to AlAnon when she was a year old. I was a different mother - less angry, softer.
I regret some aspects of my mothering so much. The pain is so deep. Yet, I realize I could not have learned not to be that except by being that...which does not make it okay.
In the end, I set up hard feelings amongst my beloved children.
I think things are coming to a head because my oldest is pregnant. The family is about to change again, and we all know what the stress of change does to a family.
I can't go back and change anything. All I can do is acknowledge my mistakes and apologize, and let them know their perceptions are right.
Still thinking about becoming primal...
Sending love and hugs, and a song...
Clare
But let's make it just a little easier to begin. I am going to think of a song. I am going to play it and listen to it, and think about it...create my own ear-worm, so to speak. I am going to tell S#3 what the song is. She can verify if we managed to share it. Then you go next. Give it two or three days before you guess. I will start after I post this and send a message to S#3.
Our regional meeting is in two weeks. My grandkids love to go, so we are going. This year's theme is White Privilege. Quite a few Friends went to the recent weekend workshop in Philly. I expect to be hit with things I don't want to face, but which will make me a better person.
Your presentation on climate change sounded perfect. We need to talk about it.
So one of my children told another that they resented the younger because the youngest had an easier childhood.
It made me think of us, of some of the resentment aimed at the youngest two sisters because they seemed to have escaped the infant abuse I think the rest of us faced, well, except B#4. The resentment aimed at them because Dad actually seemed to recognize and treasure them. The resentment that comes from seeing that they were worth educating when the rest of us weren't.
My youngest did have an easier childhood, because I went to AlAnon when she was a year old. I was a different mother - less angry, softer.
I regret some aspects of my mothering so much. The pain is so deep. Yet, I realize I could not have learned not to be that except by being that...which does not make it okay.
In the end, I set up hard feelings amongst my beloved children.
I think things are coming to a head because my oldest is pregnant. The family is about to change again, and we all know what the stress of change does to a family.
I can't go back and change anything. All I can do is acknowledge my mistakes and apologize, and let them know their perceptions are right.
Still thinking about becoming primal...
Sending love and hugs, and a song...
Clare
Sunday, May 1, 2016
I'm thinking of a word...
Clare,
That's horrible…
correct rations for slaves.
I do believe that without cell phones…
or telephones…
we could communicate telepathically.
We don't trust ourselves enough to hear that energy.
I sometimes have a ringing in my ear…
not the high pitched…
too much pressure…
ringing, but a low pitched or variable ringing.
I ask the Divine to allow me to understand what I am hearing.
Generally I have a sense of a message.
The most amazing experience I've ever had with this was years ago (I think I might heave told you this previously). I heard a peculiar ringing and asked to hear its message. Clearly I understood it to be Grammy telling me to be kind and compassionate to our Mom, "you don't know what she's lived through". I had just been on a rant about how uncaring and inattentive she is. It changed me…
at least slightly.
I wish we could telepathically communicate. We should try an experiment.
Next time you blog think a simple, uncommon word…
tell me when you've got it set in your head…
think it over several times throughout the day...
I will try to sense it and write it the next time that I blog.
It might be interesting.
Perhaps we can live free of cell phone charges and electromagnetic waves.
My young man was looking at Dragonball Z pictures today and wanted to understand the drawings of their auras and their manipulation of energy. We talked about all matter being made of energy and that our bodies' energies extend beyond the boundaries of our physical bodies. He is fascinated by so many things. I was explaining reiki to him last evening…
he is really interested in so many things…
I love talking with him.
He was watching basketball this afternoon and I gave him one of my student's projects discussing the healthy issues of drinking Mountain Dew…
it was really gross…
eroded enamel…
bone depletion…
diabetes…
he went so far as to cite that you can dissolve a mouse in Mountain Dew…
He came up and said he'll not drink mountain dew anymore…
we shall see.
I love this final project. It challenges them to change one habit for two weeks. Many say that they feel better than they have in a long time…
despite the variety of things they identify as unhealthy…
they all notice a big change…
and, they realize they hold the power necessary to change things.
I spent my afternoon reading their papers…
it was great.
I spent the morning at our Quarterly gathering. It is always good to see Friends I only see once a year. I was talking with one woman who asked if I had been there all weekend. No, I was too busy to spend the whole weekend I replied. I realized how ridiculous that sounds. I could have made it a priority. I could have made arrangements. I am going to seriously try next year. I did a workshop/discussion on environmental changes/climate change with a Friend who is a chemist. He approaches it from a chemist's perspective and I do it from a biology and social justice perspective. I focused on health outcomes and climates justice issues. It was a comfortable group. I think it was well received.
I have a bunch to still do before bed. I love you sister.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
That's horrible…
correct rations for slaves.
I do believe that without cell phones…
or telephones…
we could communicate telepathically.
We don't trust ourselves enough to hear that energy.
I sometimes have a ringing in my ear…
not the high pitched…
too much pressure…
ringing, but a low pitched or variable ringing.
I ask the Divine to allow me to understand what I am hearing.
Generally I have a sense of a message.
The most amazing experience I've ever had with this was years ago (I think I might heave told you this previously). I heard a peculiar ringing and asked to hear its message. Clearly I understood it to be Grammy telling me to be kind and compassionate to our Mom, "you don't know what she's lived through". I had just been on a rant about how uncaring and inattentive she is. It changed me…
at least slightly.
I wish we could telepathically communicate. We should try an experiment.
Next time you blog think a simple, uncommon word…
tell me when you've got it set in your head…
think it over several times throughout the day...
I will try to sense it and write it the next time that I blog.
It might be interesting.
Perhaps we can live free of cell phone charges and electromagnetic waves.
My young man was looking at Dragonball Z pictures today and wanted to understand the drawings of their auras and their manipulation of energy. We talked about all matter being made of energy and that our bodies' energies extend beyond the boundaries of our physical bodies. He is fascinated by so many things. I was explaining reiki to him last evening…
he is really interested in so many things…
I love talking with him.
He was watching basketball this afternoon and I gave him one of my student's projects discussing the healthy issues of drinking Mountain Dew…
it was really gross…
eroded enamel…
bone depletion…
diabetes…
he went so far as to cite that you can dissolve a mouse in Mountain Dew…
He came up and said he'll not drink mountain dew anymore…
we shall see.
I love this final project. It challenges them to change one habit for two weeks. Many say that they feel better than they have in a long time…
despite the variety of things they identify as unhealthy…
they all notice a big change…
and, they realize they hold the power necessary to change things.
I spent my afternoon reading their papers…
it was great.
I spent the morning at our Quarterly gathering. It is always good to see Friends I only see once a year. I was talking with one woman who asked if I had been there all weekend. No, I was too busy to spend the whole weekend I replied. I realized how ridiculous that sounds. I could have made it a priority. I could have made arrangements. I am going to seriously try next year. I did a workshop/discussion on environmental changes/climate change with a Friend who is a chemist. He approaches it from a chemist's perspective and I do it from a biology and social justice perspective. I focused on health outcomes and climates justice issues. It was a comfortable group. I think it was well received.
I have a bunch to still do before bed. I love you sister.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
processed
Hi Maggie,
You said you were feeling a little pouty as a result of feeling used. It doesn't seem pouty to me. It seems genuinely aware. We have been so enculturated to be good, to say yes, to find a way to do whatever is asked of us. Being aware of growing resentment strikes me as being very powerful and appropriate. You are learning to set boundaries. I think you should be proud of yourself.
Yeah...don't talk about his mother's visit. Wait and see if he opens way. Then he'll be able to hear you and not be freaked out!!!
I saw a movie many, many years ago called Made In Heaven. It fascinated me, and so I watched it many times. A young man dies, he drowns while saving someone's life. He goes to heaven, falls in love. Then when his beloved is incarnated, he reincarnates, trying to find her.
Today in the silence, I was remembering the movie, and the depiction of heaven. People thought of something, and it happened. They had time to design, make art, garden, make music, converse, learn languages - to explore all forms of creativity. They communicated at distance by projecting thoughts to each other.
And in the silence, I got the message that this is primal. The availability and use of all frequencies and energies. The communication devices we use now lasso specific frequencies and force them of serve us. But because it is not full spectrum, it is causing blocks and imbalances. I'm not sure exactly what this means, except maybe we don't need cell phones...The technology we are developing is coming from the yellow chakra, the need to enslave and control - everything.
It sort of goes on my middle of the night musings. I was thinking about the effects of sugar, especially, and flour on my body. I understood that it causes great imbalance. And the imbalance in my body is reflected in the imbalance on Earth...I think because of the reliance on processed foods.
There was a documentary called King Corn which showed that we live on just three foods...corn, wheat, and soy. These grains are processed to look like lots of different foods, but basically we are eating only three crops.
When I had sheep, studying their feed rations was interesting. What was the best combination to provide good nutrition, to really keep them optimally healthy? I lost it, got freaked out, when I found an old, old article written about the proper rations for slaves. The recipe looked like one of my sheep feeds. Someone did the same thing back them, trying to find optimum nutrition at a cheap cost, for their human livestock. I started thinking about the ethics of owning animals. This continues to be a dilemma for me.
So I was thinking about food and processed foods and slavery...all in the middle of the night...and I started thinking that primal food is whole food. I love the description - local, seasonal, organic. I think that may be primal!
Lost in thought...
Love and hugs from Clare
You said you were feeling a little pouty as a result of feeling used. It doesn't seem pouty to me. It seems genuinely aware. We have been so enculturated to be good, to say yes, to find a way to do whatever is asked of us. Being aware of growing resentment strikes me as being very powerful and appropriate. You are learning to set boundaries. I think you should be proud of yourself.
Yeah...don't talk about his mother's visit. Wait and see if he opens way. Then he'll be able to hear you and not be freaked out!!!
I saw a movie many, many years ago called Made In Heaven. It fascinated me, and so I watched it many times. A young man dies, he drowns while saving someone's life. He goes to heaven, falls in love. Then when his beloved is incarnated, he reincarnates, trying to find her.
Today in the silence, I was remembering the movie, and the depiction of heaven. People thought of something, and it happened. They had time to design, make art, garden, make music, converse, learn languages - to explore all forms of creativity. They communicated at distance by projecting thoughts to each other.
And in the silence, I got the message that this is primal. The availability and use of all frequencies and energies. The communication devices we use now lasso specific frequencies and force them of serve us. But because it is not full spectrum, it is causing blocks and imbalances. I'm not sure exactly what this means, except maybe we don't need cell phones...The technology we are developing is coming from the yellow chakra, the need to enslave and control - everything.
It sort of goes on my middle of the night musings. I was thinking about the effects of sugar, especially, and flour on my body. I understood that it causes great imbalance. And the imbalance in my body is reflected in the imbalance on Earth...I think because of the reliance on processed foods.
There was a documentary called King Corn which showed that we live on just three foods...corn, wheat, and soy. These grains are processed to look like lots of different foods, but basically we are eating only three crops.
When I had sheep, studying their feed rations was interesting. What was the best combination to provide good nutrition, to really keep them optimally healthy? I lost it, got freaked out, when I found an old, old article written about the proper rations for slaves. The recipe looked like one of my sheep feeds. Someone did the same thing back them, trying to find optimum nutrition at a cheap cost, for their human livestock. I started thinking about the ethics of owning animals. This continues to be a dilemma for me.
So I was thinking about food and processed foods and slavery...all in the middle of the night...and I started thinking that primal food is whole food. I love the description - local, seasonal, organic. I think that may be primal!
Lost in thought...
Love and hugs from Clare
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