resurrection

Happy First Sunday after the first full moon past the vernal equinox!

Your celebration sounds fun - all of them. I have a book here that discusses the meanings and use of the crystals. Let me know if you need it.

It has been crazy here - in my mind. Something happened earlier this week and I have been reticent, no afraid, let's go for terrified - to write it down and make it real and share it. But the story continued last night, and so I'm coming out...

A few nights ago, as I was falling asleep, and I was in that place where it's not clear if this is dream or fantasy or memory...I saw an infant. You know how babies draw their knees up beneath them and curl up and sleep...this naked baby was sleeping in large male hands.  All I could see was babe and hands. There was no setting...it was all very generic. One hand began stoking the baby's back, then moving down over the curl of the baby's bottom, and it began to feel sexual.  Suddenly I felt trapped and I started screaming,  "I don't want to see this!" I screamed inside my mind, and I screamed, and I continued screaming and I forced my eyes open but I could still see it. I had to sit up and talk out loud to myself about other things. I was hyperventilating...

It has been haunting me...every night.

This was followed by the episode in the woods, screaming from my yellow chakra.  So last night, when, once again, I could not sleep...after I sent love and blessings to my kids and their families...I went back.  I didn't pick up the story or the image. I picked up the baby and pulled her into my heart.  I got so many images. 

I felt the way an abused infant is trapped in pain. The can not call out, they can not move away.  They can only cry or be frozen in pain.  Then I began to think about predator and prey. Fawns hide in complete silence until their mama is close by.  They instinctually know how to freeze.

I don't know...I need to cry.  It was clear in the middle of the night and now I am staring at my keyboard.

Maybe more will come out as I process this week.

But I feel like my heart is broken, or it is breaking.   I know this is good, but it is so painful. I am walking through the swamp...but you know what...I think tears are cleansing me as I go, so I'm not being bogged down and getting stuck.

So it is Easter. It is a day of resurrection and rebirth.

And I don't think it is a coincidence that I have a dumpster here, because I am cleaning all the excess stuff out of my house...

Today a group of us will go to meeting, then I will clean out!

It's a start...

Love and hugs from Clare