Hemlock

Good awareness, Mama. You can not take this away from him or do it for him, but you can be lovingly present as he makes his way through the jungle of adolescence.  So often we forget, the best gift, the best support we can give, is to be present and listen...and be present!

I took my little one and walked down into the forest, down into a low point, where a stream rounds the low point of the hills and the land slopes up on both sides. It feels protected.

As she practiced throwing stones of various sizes into the water, I stood and listened.  And the trees were present.  Because I was down low, and sheltered, it was still and quiet, but the top of the trees were catching the wind and moving.  I got the deep understanding that we are so protected on this planet.  I asked about love, about not being able to receive love.

The hemlock told me that I do receive love. And I had a momentary sensation of how passionately the Earth loves each of us.  I was surrounded, overwhelmed, by love from many sources.  Hemlock said I would not be here, I would not wake up each morning, if I did not accept this love every day.

So I narrowed it down to some sense of unworthiness for receiving romantic love.

Another thing Hemlock pointed out is that we cut trees indiscriminately, without knowing who they are. This is no different than sending our sons to war to kill indiscriminately, or to be killed with the same disregard.  You said the Divine knows each hair on our head.  I think it's more important to remember that the Divine knows each tree, each bush, each herbs, each swimmer and flyer and runner...and hopper. We need to remember that the same mindset that allows for war, allows us to clear cut - and it is not Divine.

And in the shower tonight, I started to see why I have been cycling around these issues yet again.

I am crushing on someone. It is so much fun to be thrilled by a voice, to have something to look forward to.  And even though I know that in the long run, this is not my destiny, it is just fun.  And there is an uncontrollable part of me that is starting my pattern of eating.  This is my pattern...a man pays attention, and I gain weight - to prove - to him? to myself? that I am disgusting and unworthy.  The logical part of me knows what is going on - understands the feelings, recognizes the pattern. But that part of me can't stop it.  The part of me that is in charge is primal, almost fighting for survival, even though excess weight is deadly.

I am wondering if this is the time to find this part of me, and pull it into the Light and break my pattern.

But I don't know how and I don't know who to ask for help...

While getting the massage, I felt a hollowness inside. While in the sauna, I had the definite impression that there is a locked, blocked core self that is so cold.

How do I find me and set myself free?

Feeling tears...and we both know that means I am onto something.

Love and hugs from Clare