a little bitchy

Clare,

I understand that disappointment of S#3 bringing her grandson along…
it has nothing to do with not enjoying his company…
it is about wanting her company without the distraction.
I hesitate to invite her to go out because of her responsibilities and the children. I spoke with her yesterday and she was consistently interrupted by the two older children…
they seem to demand her attention constantly. My observations are torn between her importance as an attachment figure for them- giving true stability- and their exploitation of her kindness- or rather her daughter's exploitation of that kindness that seeps into the children's actions.
I also sometimes wonder if she brings him along as a safety valve…
a quick escape if she needs to leave?
That sounds really judgmental and I should delete it- but it is honest so I'll leave it alone.

Make great food. Explain to the young man that this is an opportunity for him to be mature and pretend to be grown up. Or perhaps he could go off with his uncle while you two have your wine pairing dinner…maybe that would be a compromise.

I was watching my trauma course video today and hit on something.
One slide had 3 areas delineated- oriented horizontally one above the other.
The lowest was "hypoarousal"- collapsed, weak, sluggish, dissociated, poor cognition, poor planning, isolation, flat affect
The middle was "window of tolerance"- where we live best
The highest was "hyperarousal"- hyper vigilant, affect flooded, impulsive, racing thoughts, self-destructive
I identified with the hypoarousal state presently…
Perhaps my life is triggering me to collapse.
Perhaps I am stressed more than I admit.
Perhaps I have to bring myself back by grounding and centering on my own sensations.
Is my perception of depression- short lived periods that feel depressed- really hypoarousal?
Is this a symptom of my trauma history making itself evident?
Perhaps the idea of more teenaged boys in my life is a trigger…
and an opportunity to resolve the issues.
interesting…
something to ponder.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie