cycling

Hi Maggie,

I know...it's quiet...in my head and in my heart and in my life, too.  I'm not having anything deep or profound or emotional happening.

I took two days off in the middle of the week, and for no reason. I slept until 8:00 this morning.  That's big for me.  I have to get up at 5:00 for work, and on weekends the dogs usually have me up by 6:00 or 6:30.

I have been having thoughts, trying on ideas, but then they slip away and I don't remember what I was trying on.

I had my little companion for the day.  We repotted my Norfolk Island pine and some spider plant babies from the neighbor.  Then we had extra potting soil, so we started a few things for the garden - flowers and herbs mostly. She had the best time putting soil in one container, then moving it to another.  She got appropriately grubby.  A dirty kid is a healthy kid!

I feel like I should be doing something, but mostly I am waiting.

So I went looking for something to inspire thought...and I found:

Emily Dickinson,  "Until you have loved, you can not become yourself."

And as I read that, I wondered if who I am is because I have mostly loved children, grandchildren, animals, trees, pets, grandmas.  Am I myself yet? That makes me wonder how many of us get through life never truly being who we are.

I was thinking about a writer who really influenced me.  His name is Derrick Jensen, and he is an environmental activist on the west coast.  He writes openly and with great awareness of the sexual abuse he suffered at the hands of his father, and how it changed who he is and the way he sees the world.

He was writing once about sitting alone in a tree grieving,then he wondered why he was not in the arms of a woman who loved him. 

I am cycling, I know.  Scratched record back, looking at the damage and the lack of way forward...

I think another really, really long night of sleep will be the most loving thing I can do for myself.

Love and hugs from Clare