push!

I love it...

You get all relaxed and everything moves forward. And you find your connection - through music, of course.  Magic.

I always look forward to your reports from your Reiki healer!

I did watch Avatar.  Someone recommended it a few weeks ago, and I finally remembered I wanted to see it and I had time on Sunday.  I was distressed by the violence, but otherwise - impressed.

And I loved the parallels with humanity - although we like to think we are stewards, keepers, controllers, knowers. It keeps us from remembering we are simply part of the web...

Therefore we just need to...

Relax!

And be grateful..And celebrate.

I wonder if our fear of simply being part of the web is why we feel led to kill spiders.

I have been feeling stuck...like I'm standing still, looking around, wondering what is going to happen next, or happen at all.  I know that is partly because the baby is sick and I have spent a lot of the past two days holding her.  I'm not getting much done when I have an urge to push...not as uncontrollable as birthing, but similar.

Just talked to my oldest son...they want me again this summer. Yay!!  I do miss them...And I will admit I nagged just a little, calling to see if they want me.  The answer is yes, and for as long as I can possibly stay!

I just realized I have work to do in the kitchen before I can go to bed. I made a fermented beet drink, which is supposed to help feed adrenals and gut. I thought maybe I would use it as a basis for smoothies. I'll let you know how that works out. I hope it's okay - I made half a gallon!

Exhausted...But tomorrow is Friday...

Love and hugs from Clare

listening for messages

Claire,

I didn't know we bombed Iraq every day of the Clinton administration…
I never heard that before…
wow.

You would like Avatar…
I saw it when it came out and it made a big impression on me.
See if you can rent it.

I am having a 'day of me'…
I had no business on my calendar today so I woke up and went to yoga…
then a 1:30 massage…
and at 5 I see my reiki healer.
I am going to be so relaxed by tonight.
I am trying to listen to the lessons today.
Who is saying what to me…
who do I need to listen to…
what am I to hear and heed.

While I was getting a massage the music occasionally skipped…
I snapped my fingers and it began playing normally.
I laughed and told the masseuse about it when she came into the room…
she laughed and said it is music from the computer, so it shouldn't skip.
Someone was there playing games…
wanting to be heard today.
It happened several more times and we both just glanced at the computer and it began playing again…
very interesting.

I am wondering what the messages from reiki will be this evening.

My son is feeling better…
but now husband is not well.
I hope I don't get it too.

We have our first home visit with Children and Youth next week. It's taken forever, but it is finally moving forward. Despite being frustrated by the delays, everyone seems to be more comfortable and ready for the changes at this point. Maybe the delay was a good thing.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

jumbled

My dear -

Everyone is getting sick.  My youngest granddaughter is extremely congested. She could not sleep last night, and slept upright in my lap this afternoon.  Mama worked a half day. She didn't want to take her girl to my friend who watches her in the morning. So she waited and brought her to me as I finished work.

I put her in a steamy shower, and sat and read a book for as long as she would stay in there. And I held her as she napped. Time moves differently when holding a sleeping baby.  It sort of dissolves...

I appreciated your comments about sugar. S#3 also commented that she got into the Easter candy and had an explosive reaction - had to race to the bathroom.  I didn't buy any candy this year, and I ate very little.  I am not doing too bad with avoiding sugar.  But I'm not really dropping weight either.  I am working on convincing myself I am beautiful... 

Someone encouraged me to watch Avatar, the movie from about 5 years ago.  The bad Earthlings are their to rape yet another planet.  They see the indigenous as ignorant animals - of course.  That is the only way we can be at peace wiping out another race.  But the people have connections to the land.

I thought about us.  We have similar connections if you go deeper than religion and nationality, and slower than cars and microwaves.

And in the movie, the trees were the center of the ancient wisdom - the keepers.  Just like they are here.

I have always said that violence is never the way to peace.  In this movie, the Earthlings are using violence, and I have not been able to consider a way to avoid fighting back.  I am wondering if we need an audience in order to be humane. I am wondering if this is why it is so easy to ignore what we are doing with drones every day...why it is so easy to not know that we bombed Iraq every day during the Clinton administration.

Lots of other jumbled thoughts...maybe I'll get them straightened out by the tomorrow...or the next day!!

Love and hugs from Clare

late

Hi Claire,

It's getting late, and I should be going to bed, but I wanted to check in before I do. My youngest is down with a a fever and cough- probably influenza. He got up at 3 am and went outside because his fever was so high. I didn't sleep well after that. He has been resting comfortably most of the day, but hot and cold cycles almost continually.

Husband is in his hometown for an Aunt's funeral. He had dinner with cousins and is looking forward to seeing his large, extended family tomorrow at the funeral. The Aunt was 90 and died peacefully.

I begin teaching an after-school program tomorrow on health and fitness for middle schoolers. I am excited to work with that age group. Tomorrow I have 40 students and their parents, we are hoping to take them out for a mile walk to experience the benefits of walking. It might be like herding cats though. I hope I have back up from the teachers who run the program.

Sunday I fly to Atlanta for a 2 day conference. It is for a program we are involved with that connects faith based organizations to disaster preparedness for the most vulnerable of the congregations. It should be interesting.

I am still trying to make peace with my GI tract. I was doing well until I ate a lot go sugar on Sunday and it is really complaining today…painfully complaining. I have to learn to be good to my body, before it gets out of balance and painful.

I will be back tomorrow…
until then
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

reawakening

Hi Maggie,

It is windy.  The wind knocked down a tree on our road, so we were without electricity for several hours.  I told my little companion that without electricity, we could not use the computer. That's okay, she told me, we'll watch Doc McStuffin.  But not without electricity. I kept shooting down all of her ideas. We started coloring, and somehow that morphed into drawing puppets on our hands, which made her laugh hard. Then she danced like a tree in the wind.

I don't know what the image is. I don't want to claim it as a preverbal memory, because I just don't know. Add to that the changes our genetics go through when we are traumatized. I could be remembering Grandma's memories for all I know. It could be anyone in the family, or it could be symbolism for something else...all I know is I don't know if I want to know...and that I am sheltering that baby.

It is so confusing. I am still unsettled and emotional.

The dream - he was telling you what happened.  He was giving you a piece of the puzzle so we can understand. Dad did it to him because Pop did it to Dad because...which family do I follow? I can toss out a lot of names here. I wonder why this is so important to me. I have always wanted to know our story, who we were.  Some of it has devastated me.

When I realized we were descended from Vikings and Brits - invaders - I was not happy.

My week is back to quiet and normal.  I am still cleaning out. It feels like physical cleansing of home and body as well as an emotional cleansing.

My first daffodil is almost open. I love them so much. They feel like the heart trumpeting joy.  And this weekend I washed sheets and hung them outside to dry. It's like sleeping on sunshine...more joy! So there are positive things happening, warming, reawakening...

I hopeyou have a good evening...love and hugs from Clare

whirlwind

Claire,
The images are intense…
as are the emotions raised by them.
I wonder what they are telling you.
Is this a pre-verbal memory, or is it a sense of the disrespect we have for human beings- even the most innocent.
I wonder what it all means.
I've had vivid dreams with sexual images of babies- one of our brothers licking my son's penis, when asked why he would do that he replied, "dad did it?!?". Like it was a tradition. I've never really understood what that was telling me. But, I've never trusted my kids with our family members. I didn't trust them with husband's family either. It's a tough place to be. Isolated. No one to turn to for help. No one trusted enough to open up to. It isn't a good space to be in.

The weekend was nice. The older of the young men has begun calling our house 'home'. It is a nice thing, a welcome change. The younger is still tentative, spending most of his time in the basement, away from the rest of us. I am trying to invite him to join in without insisting. He laughs at dinner when everyone is sharing stories. The older one complained of being bored this week. I think that's a good sign, he's comfortable enough to relax and realize there's free time. I hiked on Thursday, took them to a movie on Friday, hiked Saturday, and they went to church with husband on Sunday so I find it hard to believe they are really bored. They just don't know how to structure their time here. It will come with time.

Husband goes out of town tomorrow, for a family funeral. I am traveling on Sunday - Tuesday for a conference. I think it's going to be a whirlwind of a week. Interestingly enough we have very high winds right now- I'm watching the trees sway and bend in the wind. I love wind…very powerful.

All for now.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

resurrection

Happy First Sunday after the first full moon past the vernal equinox!

Your celebration sounds fun - all of them. I have a book here that discusses the meanings and use of the crystals. Let me know if you need it.

It has been crazy here - in my mind. Something happened earlier this week and I have been reticent, no afraid, let's go for terrified - to write it down and make it real and share it. But the story continued last night, and so I'm coming out...

A few nights ago, as I was falling asleep, and I was in that place where it's not clear if this is dream or fantasy or memory...I saw an infant. You know how babies draw their knees up beneath them and curl up and sleep...this naked baby was sleeping in large male hands.  All I could see was babe and hands. There was no setting...it was all very generic. One hand began stoking the baby's back, then moving down over the curl of the baby's bottom, and it began to feel sexual.  Suddenly I felt trapped and I started screaming,  "I don't want to see this!" I screamed inside my mind, and I screamed, and I continued screaming and I forced my eyes open but I could still see it. I had to sit up and talk out loud to myself about other things. I was hyperventilating...

It has been haunting me...every night.

This was followed by the episode in the woods, screaming from my yellow chakra.  So last night, when, once again, I could not sleep...after I sent love and blessings to my kids and their families...I went back.  I didn't pick up the story or the image. I picked up the baby and pulled her into my heart.  I got so many images. 

I felt the way an abused infant is trapped in pain. The can not call out, they can not move away.  They can only cry or be frozen in pain.  Then I began to think about predator and prey. Fawns hide in complete silence until their mama is close by.  They instinctually know how to freeze.

I don't know...I need to cry.  It was clear in the middle of the night and now I am staring at my keyboard.

Maybe more will come out as I process this week.

But I feel like my heart is broken, or it is breaking.   I know this is good, but it is so painful. I am walking through the swamp...but you know what...I think tears are cleansing me as I go, so I'm not being bogged down and getting stuck.

So it is Easter. It is a day of resurrection and rebirth.

And I don't think it is a coincidence that I have a dumpster here, because I am cleaning all the excess stuff out of my house...

Today a group of us will go to meeting, then I will clean out!

It's a start...

Love and hugs from Clare

Happy Spring

Clare,

I'm glad you had a gathering for your children and their families…
it is a great way to celebrate spring and life.
I celebrated with some friends this morning at yoga class. Last week we brainstormed having an easter egg hunt with crystals. The yoga instructor went to the crystals store and purchased a variety of stones and put them into plastic eggs. Her husband come in during yoga and hid the eggs. The idea was that you would find the crystals that you really needed. I got fluorite, moss apatite, beryl, moonstones, calcitate, and something else. It was great fun. Then we feasted.
One of the women's husband called and told her that the Jehovah Witness people had just visited their home. He told them to come back next week because his wife was celebrating the solstice at the yoga studio searching for crystals. It was pretty funny.

I am also having trouble understanding the Easter message. I remember singing 4 masses during Holy Week and Easter when I was Catholic. I was so moved by the whole story of death and resurrection, considering it a special story- once in history occurrence. Now, I believe we all die and resurrect. We reincarnate, agree to lessons for the next lifetime, lessons we teach and learn.

The younger of the young men asked me on Friday to tell him about Good Friday. I had trouble articulating the story and not putting my bias into the story. It is hard to tell it as truth now. I find it to be more of a story…less than truth, but bigger than literal truth as well. How do you explain such a violent, personal attack and still have it mean something that isn't fear based? I was going to watch The Passion…and couldn't make myself pop it in.

I feel kind of un-religious…
which is weird at this time of the year...
But it is amazingly free to not cling to the stories' guilt and fear.

Anyway…we have a brunch prior to Meeting tomorrow and then an egg hunt after. My kids will gather, with the exception of daughter #2 who is spending the day with her boyfriend's family. She is being swept up in his family, I hope she maintains a sense of her own priorities and self. It took my oldest a while to assert herself with her boyfriend's family.
Both young men will be with us tomorrow for Easter. I'm cooking a big dinner and hoping to have a fun day with everyone.

I hope you have a blessed day…and Spring.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

Easter

Hi Maggie,

Happy Easter weekend.  I have a decidedly unChristian worldview, and so am a little confused about what I am celebrating - much like Christmas, but...I have begun spring cleaning. I started moving furniture, because it is the best way to really clean.  It feels like birthing - like I can't help it. So that is what we are celebrating, rebirth.

My daffodils are almost open.

We had a family celebration today. It was so nice to be surrounded by family. All of my local kids and their families were together for the afternoon. And of course, I miss the westerners most when their absence is so huge. 

My neighbor wants to sell her house and my oldest is considering it...Change is in the air.

My little one is becoming addicted to going for walks.  We went back down to the sheltered place of hemlocks and I thrilled her by pretending I was a tree.  I had my arms reached as far up as possible, reaching for the wind and moving with it. She loved it.

I was listening to the sound the wind makes in the trees. Or maybe the two make the sounds together.  I tried to imitate the sound. Then I wondered, from the tree's or the wind's perspective, what sound do I make. I asked myself, and I heard screaming from my yellow chakra.  So while I was pretending to be a tree, I tried to change that to something pretty and melodic - kind of like chanting.

Tomorrow we will go to meeting with my grandson and his sister's other grandmother. This will be her first Quaker experience.I understand that she was raised Baptist.  She is very open and relaxed, but I still wonder what she will think!

I hope you are having a fun weekend.

Love and hugs from Clare

perspective

Benign!!!!!

And it sounds like you are having fun.  It's it exciting when life is interesting and there are so many new things to think about?

I was thinking about the tar.  I like the idea of the tar pits. Before you said that, I was thinking the sticky stuff was gunk from the swamp. But maybe it is something protective.

A friend sent me an article about adrenal fatigue and the effects on the other endocrine glands, and for some reason, it has inspired me. I have been having a lot of fun researching nutritional, herbal and lifestyle ways to support the adrenals, therefore the rest of the system, and therefore the rest of the body.

As I looked into foods providing trace minerals and vitamins and essential nutrients, I see my diet is pretty healthy.

But I gotta stop with the sugar. I do so today.  It is addictive for me.  I go for months without, then I think I can handle just a teensy bit.And I do, but the next day, I don't. It is exactly like an alcoholic who thinks they can have just one beer.

Someone I know was laughing about her addictions - all society approved. But I wear mine on my hips. 

So I'm going to go sit and come up with a plan. I want to love my body and feed and nurture it. I want to see if I can adapt my mind to this as being a gift, rather than triggering the addictive tantrum when denied comfort foods,  which really cause great discomfort.

Maybe this is part of saying yes...

And it's an eclipse night, so it's time for something to happen. Let's hope it is something good!

Love and hugs from Clare

Back from the conference

Clare,

Hello dear sister…I've missed meeting you here.
I had an interesting couple of days. I enjoyed the time with my new boss. I wasn't sure what it would be like to travel with her, but it was very comfortable. We talked for all 8 hours in the car, very fluid, comfortable conversation…
each sharing insights and experiences…
I feel she is more an mentor than a boss.

I, too, am waiting for S#3's results…
understanding they are most probably benign…
but, worried about the possibilities.
Any new lesion is worrisome…
but she's had a negative biopsy before…
so she has the capacity to produce benign tumors…
I still worry.
I wanted to be with her for the biopsy…
but I had a full morning of lectures and left for the conference in early afternoon.
I feel badly not being there for her.
I am going to try to get to see her over the weekend if possible.

The conference was on healthy lifestyle choices…
nutrition, exercise, etc…
from different perspectives…
a lot of public health ideas…
some theoretical physiology stuff...
they even had 2 lectures on community planning to support healthy lifestyles…
it was really interesting.
It was a good conference.

Your images of tarry parts of your being are interesting.
I wonder why you coated your parts in such a thick, tenacious substance?
I am getting an image of the prehistoric animals that are fully preserved in tar pits…
perhaps it is a substance that could preserve without allowing deterioration of your self…
perhaps it is a perfect substance to hide your self in.
What a concept.

I am saddened by the terrorist attacks over the past several weeks…
and the press that only communicates those that occur outside of the middle east and africa…
Peace and Blessings…
to all.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

spark

Hi Maggie,

Hope all is well with you. Was up last night, and so I was working with the cocoon. I opened mine and found a tarry mess. I cleaned it off and found a spark of Light. I think it was that initial spark that makes us truly alive.

I think that maybe abuse early enough shuts it down, or tucks it away.  I think I am part of the line. I probably snuffed my kids' Lights too.

I put the spark back in my heart and the chakras sort of opened - one below the heart, one above the heart until I was relightninged or relit or something.

It was exciting in the middle of the night. Let's see if it changes me in waking, daily life.

I helped my kids relight, too.

Love and hugs from Clare

(Rereading yesterday's post and saw I misspelled and wrote the "scared yes."  Then I thought, maybe that is the beginning of the sacred yes...)

The sacred yes!

Hi Maggie,

Not much happening at night these days. I am tired.  But there is a lunar eclipse this Wednesday. And I think eclipsey things are happening!

I have mentioned a few times that my New Year's resolution this year is to say yes.  My daughter-in-law made two powerful statements to me today. One is to remember to say yes to what I want, not what other's want. The other is that she introduced me to the sacred yes, the yes that you feel in your heart and soul.

This seems potent for this year, and for this lifetime. What is the sacred yes?  How can I tell when I am facing/sensing/encountering a sacred yes?

I have been saying yes this year.  And I have been having more adventures and more fun. I am having more fun.

S#3 had a biopsy today. She had something in her breast that was not there six months ago. Results will be in on Thursday. I feel like part of me is calm, and sure it is benign. But another part is sort of not breathing...waiting in suspended animation.

We need a boob celebration.  We need boobalicious cakes and boobie prizes and knocker awards.  We need to decorate and celebrate and admire. 

We need to find a way to love our bodies, to glory in the sensuality of having been able to bear life and suckle young, to walk barefoot and go skinny dipping and to make love to a beautiful man.  Instead we bear our pain and illness and we wear the scars of abuse and neglect and years of No...not now.  When maybe joyful abandon is the remedy...ecstatic love of self. Yes!

Unfortunately, I don't know how to let go and do that...

But somehow, yes is the starting point.  And scared yes is an even better place to begin...

I do love you, Sister!

And with hugs too from Clare

karma

Hi Maggie,

It's real fun living inside my head. Sometimes it is more fun in here, than out there.  That sounds about as bad as it is!

I don't know if I ever wrote about this before, but if I have chalk it up to a senior moment. When having problems with my body, most specifically my gall bladder, I learned to send love to the organ. I opened my heart chakra and beamed energy to different places in my body, while thinking about how much I loved my body, my systems, and that organ.   It was a very effective healing technique.

But then I had that aha moment.  I realized that I was treating me the way my ex treated me.  Using the words and energy of love, but not really following through.  So although being aware and appreciative of my gall bladder was remedial, I needed more. I needed to revamp parts of my diet and to drink more water, and to take certain herbs.

I still have my gall bladder, and it is functioning well these days. A friend who had to have hers removed said the gall bladder is the seat of resentment, and it was not enough to have the organ removed. She also had to look at her resentment and how it affected her whole life.

So maybe, send love and appreciation to your bowel.

I think lots of us are morphing right now. We can't avoid it. It is time...Well, I suppose we can hide...

How did the breast talk go?

I remember when my third was born, and he had the surgery, and the craziness of his first months...A friend came every morning to pick up  my oldest for nursery school. But it was okay, because the year before I had gone out of my way to pick up someone else's son every morning.  I did it because she needed help.  There was no reward of any type, except friendship.  And so the next year when another friend volunteered to get my child, I knew it was karma. You do something kind because it begets more kindness- sometimes for you, sometimes for someone else, but what is most important is that the Earth is a kinder place to be.

You rescue horses, I rescue dogs because it helps.  You step into that stream of love and it bathes you on many levels.  That is the payment.

Yeah, and probably in some past life your young man did something extremely kind for you. He was probably someone amazing!  Just like you are now.

Your job sounds exciting.  Mine is the same old, same old...but it has its own perks!

Kinda cold, kinda tired...shower and bed for me!!

Love and hugs from Clare

Love the booby prize

Clare,
What an amazing experience. I often wish I could visualize as you do. I wish I could allow my mind to open to images as you do.

I love that you asked all those gathered to give LOVE and LIGHT…
I love the healing results…Pop was reborn…and happy.

I was asked to "talk" to my body parts…
beginning with my bowels…
They have been very irritable recently…
they usually are during transitions for me.
I feel as if my life is morphing at an alarming rate right now.
Anyway- I have been trying to listen to my body and …
silence.
How do I open to this?
I was doing yoga this morning and had to make a run for the bathroom…
I was calm…
not feeling cramps…
and yet whoosh…
diarrhea (TMI- sorry).
I am obviously carrying stress…
but cannot alleviate it with my usual practices.
I will keep asking…
and hopefully the answers will come.

I like the booby prize idea. I also like the idea of talking to S#4 to ask how she is accepting her new boobies. I think I will communicate with her tomorrow and see what she has to say.

I have to say that many years ago, when asked why I rescue horses I thought long and hard about that question. I finally came up with a clear answer of "I want to help beings that cannot repay me." So many times, in medicine and beyond, things were done for others in hopes of advancement or favors. I wanted to do things for thaw sake of making another's life better. In the long run I came to realize that I receive more than I have ever given to any one or thing in the past.
I feel that bringing the young men into our home is going to teach me more than I will ever be able to teach them. I am blessed. We are so blessed.

I am going to a meeting in Western PA on Monday and Tuesday…
It's focused on whole health and making PA healthier through exercise (walking specifically). I really like this job. I'm starting to get entrenched and connected. So far the only project I'm not sure I'm aligned with is an immunization coalition. I'm hoping to stay out of that. Next week I am going to Georgia- Emory University- for a meeting with the CDC. It should be interesting.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

cocoons

Hi Maggie,

I love it!  I love your blossoming psychicness.  I know the woman was there, the mama you share sons with.  I did some editing for a young woman this week.  I gave her my email recently and told her she could send me a paper she was writing. She got really, really quiet.  She said she never met someone who did things like this for people they really don't know. She said she heard of things like this happening, but never to her.  Taking in someone's children doesn't compare, but the impulse is the same.  It feeds both sides...

Mama did something right!

I wonder what we can do to make you foster and accept your boobs. I wonder if S#4 is having a similar reaction.  I wonder if we should have some kind of a breast ceremony, complete with boobie prizes.  I like the idea of tattooing something beautiful, making the mounds a work of art.

So I could not sleep last night.  I was awake in the dark, and decided to try to find that primal part of me that is controlling me.  What I found was a sort of string tied tight at the top of my cervix. I understood this was the source of my horrible menstrual cramps.  I also heard this was why my deliveries with girls were longer and more exhausting than with at least two of my boys.  I heard, "Who would want to bring girls into this family."  (Kind of coincidental that we only have three girl cousins on Dad's side, compared to thirteen boys.)

I was trying to trace the cord, and came to our grandmothers. Both of them.  I look like one and am built like the other. I am both of them, or maybe they are me, or in me or part of me.  Each one was holding one of my hands. It was powerful.

I had all four grandparents and we were looking at the lines and we all focused on Pop.  So he was there, with his parents behind him, their parents behind them and I was suddenly angry. Maybe suddenly aware that it was possible he got to me when I was six months old.  We were moving from one base to another, and stayed there for a while on the way.   Something happened to rip of a piece of me, a piece that is still in hiding.  And so I stood up in front of Pop and that line.  And I was angry. And I called my sisters, and the four of you were with me.  Then I called our brothers - B#2 had a hard time standing.  And I called our aunts and uncles who have passed.  Then my children were behind me. And their cousins. We were a huge family continuum. And I asked everyone to send Pop love. To send as much love as we possibly could. Because even in this state, I remembered that violence is never the way to peace. Only love can heal us.  And we did it. We showered him, we baked him, until he exploded and was a young boy, about 6 or 8.   And we sent the Light back the line as far as we could see.

I understood part of the reason I hide in fat is because Grammy did. I inherited the process when I inherited her trauma.  But I look like Grandma, and so there is something of her in me.

I definitely saw that there is a cocoon inside of each of us in this family.  Each of us, each cocoon, needs to complete its metamorphosis.  I think that inside my cocoon may be the primal ruler in me, that initial shred of destroyed soul, the initial violation that showed me that this world is painful, and no one will ever protect me. It is being kept safe, as well as trying to keep itself safe.  Unfortunately, it is a child-like vision of safety, since it never grew up...

And so we wait for metamorphosis.  We wait to become new beings...

I'll be back at it tonight if I am not too exhausted.

Weirdly weirded out, but still with love and hugs,

Clare

reiki session

Clare,

Listen to the wisdom of the earth…
it's ancient and unbiased…
and listen to the wisdom of your own heart…
don't drown it out with ice cream or bread.

I saw my Reiki friend yesterday…
it was an amazing session…
lots came forth that I was not expecting.

My body is trying to tell me to stop stressing…
Irritable bowel…
wheezing…
fatigue…
neck/shoulder pain…
it's pretty much screaming at me at this point.
I am trying to listen to the wisdom of my body.
One thing that came forth was my need to grieve the loss of my breasts and accept the new ones…
I secretly don't like them.
I realized that I never see my face when I see them in the mirror…
they are not part of me.
So I am toying with the idea of beautifying them with a white, lace tattoo to hide the scars and make them more acceptable.
I realized that my lack of libido is also centered around the new breasts…
when husband tries to touch them I am repelled…
I am disgusted…
Doesn't he know they're fake?
They are numb for God's sake!
I realized that in those moments of discomfort I am transported back to waking up with B#1 trying to rub my pre-pubescent breasts (age 10) to wake and stimulate me. It's repulsive. but, it is not husband's fault. He is trying got be nice and loving. I hate that feeling- it's so confusing.
I may need toy do some more work to come to terms with this.
We are seeing a hypno-therapist in May for another issue we are having, maybe I'll ask her about it and how to reframe it.

I had the strangest sensation last evening while on the table. I had a very strong sense that the young men's mother was trying to connect with me. It felt safe, so I wasn't afraid. I felt like she couldn't speak to me, despite trying. So I invited her to "show me". Still nothing happened. I tried to remain present to that sense for the remainder of the session and then I asked my healer about it. She confirmed that the deceased woman was there, trying to figure me out. She had never experienced genuine kindness in her lifetime and cannot understand why I would want to help her sons. She didn't know what to say, so she remained silent. I was told that she smiled and approves of the arrangement. I felt 'held' in that energy for a while. It was a good feeling.

I am going to a murder mystery dinner theater tonight to see my daughter perform. It should be fun, but part of me would love to put on PJs and just lay around tonight.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

Hemlock

Good awareness, Mama. You can not take this away from him or do it for him, but you can be lovingly present as he makes his way through the jungle of adolescence.  So often we forget, the best gift, the best support we can give, is to be present and listen...and be present!

I took my little one and walked down into the forest, down into a low point, where a stream rounds the low point of the hills and the land slopes up on both sides. It feels protected.

As she practiced throwing stones of various sizes into the water, I stood and listened.  And the trees were present.  Because I was down low, and sheltered, it was still and quiet, but the top of the trees were catching the wind and moving.  I got the deep understanding that we are so protected on this planet.  I asked about love, about not being able to receive love.

The hemlock told me that I do receive love. And I had a momentary sensation of how passionately the Earth loves each of us.  I was surrounded, overwhelmed, by love from many sources.  Hemlock said I would not be here, I would not wake up each morning, if I did not accept this love every day.

So I narrowed it down to some sense of unworthiness for receiving romantic love.

Another thing Hemlock pointed out is that we cut trees indiscriminately, without knowing who they are. This is no different than sending our sons to war to kill indiscriminately, or to be killed with the same disregard.  You said the Divine knows each hair on our head.  I think it's more important to remember that the Divine knows each tree, each bush, each herbs, each swimmer and flyer and runner...and hopper. We need to remember that the same mindset that allows for war, allows us to clear cut - and it is not Divine.

And in the shower tonight, I started to see why I have been cycling around these issues yet again.

I am crushing on someone. It is so much fun to be thrilled by a voice, to have something to look forward to.  And even though I know that in the long run, this is not my destiny, it is just fun.  And there is an uncontrollable part of me that is starting my pattern of eating.  This is my pattern...a man pays attention, and I gain weight - to prove - to him? to myself? that I am disgusting and unworthy.  The logical part of me knows what is going on - understands the feelings, recognizes the pattern. But that part of me can't stop it.  The part of me that is in charge is primal, almost fighting for survival, even though excess weight is deadly.

I am wondering if this is the time to find this part of me, and pull it into the Light and break my pattern.

But I don't know how and I don't know who to ask for help...

While getting the massage, I felt a hollowness inside. While in the sauna, I had the definite impression that there is a locked, blocked core self that is so cold.

How do I find me and set myself free?

Feeling tears...and we both know that means I am onto something.

Love and hugs from Clare

a few insights

Clare,

Spring is trying to spring forth…
but we have a prediction for 1 - 3 inches of snow on Sunday…
Winter is tenacious…
even if it was a mild one.

Thanks for the insight about my son. I sat with that situation last evening and came up with several insights…
First, I am channeling his emotional roller coaster…
not that I'm reacting to his rage overtly…
but I am feeling his lows…
deep within myself.
I am sensing his depression at my core.
I think that's why I am so stuck right now.
I want to help him and I'm being sucked under…
I'm tearing up- so I must be on to something.
If I can make myself less empathic and more supportive this may be an easier process

Second, emotional upheaval is a normal teenaged experience. I cannot lose perspective that this is a serious growth opportunity for my son and trying to make it easier is probably not the correct response. He has to find happiness and contentment inside- not search in others or in substances. He has to understand the power of love and the heartbreak that goes along with that. No matter how great a relationship is there will be moments of heartbreak…
and blessed moments of healing.

Third, we all have the power to change our perspective.
Even when we feel hopelessly stuck there are options…
the best way to find those options is to shine the light into those dark corners that scare the hell out of us.
Light chases away dark and relieves fear.
We need more Light in this world…
and in this country.
We need more Light.

Did you see that Rex Ambler is at the summer FGC conference this summer?

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

spring

Hey Maggie,

Thanks.  I did not have that insight into the balance of inhale and exhale.  I am going to use that.

Next step is transferring that understanding to allowing myself to accept, to be loved.  Hard work.

I took my little companion for a walk today. We only went about two miles, because the wind made it a little colder than expected.  So I wrapped her up and called her my baby burrito.  And we heard spring peepers and wood frogs. Her imitation of a wood frog chattering merits belly laughs.  We heard redwinged blackbirds - she was very frustrated trying to imitate the trill at the end. And we watched a pair of Canadian geese, and robins...and now, right now...we are having our first thunderstorm of the season.  I think Spring has sprung early.

Your son is talking to you. He is showing great awareness and vulnerability.  Be proud. You are doing well.

Back to work for me tomorrow.  My short, 2-day, respite has been nice.  But the real world awaits.


Love and hugs from Clare

I need motivation

Clare,

Don't forget to exhale…
inspiration stimulates our fight or flight response…
expiration stimulates parasympathetic…
the balance is important.
You can use this to your benefit too…
if you want to be more alert make your inhalations longer than exhalations.
If you want to relax make the exhalations longer and you'll feel the shift downward.
It's a powerful tool.

One of my moments of clarity years ago was realizing that the Divine was a living, breathing entity.
The inspiration pulls us deep into a rich environment of inspiration- in spiritus
The expiration sends us out into the world for service and challenges.
When we most need to be replenished we go back to the center for more nurturance.
I love this image.
I sometimes pray- "I think I've been out too long, Could you inspire me in the near future?"
It's a good visual for me.

My youngest is struggling still with rapid up and down with his mood. He has been irresponsible with curfews since getting his license. So I grounded him last night. Today he exploded when I said "No" to going out before work. After his "rapid expenditure of negative energy"he broke down and shared his isolation and sense of darkness. I want him to talk. I want him to make some positive changes in his life- diet, sleep, exercise, stay away from violent TV. He sees no way forward. I assure him that small changes do make a difference.
Who am I to preach though? For the past several weeks I've been eating like hell, poor sleep, not enough water each day, even avoiding my daily walks. I can feel a few pounds on my belly and my energy dwindling. I've got to motivate me to take care of me. Then maybe I'll have the energy to help him.

The idea of traveling sounds great. I'd love to go to a quiet place and just relax for a few days. My biggest problem is that preparation for vacations leaves me tired and exhausted- so it is "catch up" instead of "get ahead" when I get anywhere.
I honestly think my best vacation was to Paris because I only had husband to arrange activities with. I also had the attitude that it was my vacation that he asked to join me on, so I took charge of my plans and he tagged along. I made it very clear that there would be minimal pre-planning done (he usually has a full itinerary) and each day would flow from one thing to the next. It was pretty sweet.

When we go to the island each of us generally has all day to do whatever and then we try to do dinner as a group. That works pretty well, but it's also very flexible. The island has become so familiar that people come and go, much like home. My older son is in Florida this week with his girlfriend. They are on one of the key islands. He sent me a picture of a sign that said, "Hawks Cay, Tranquility Area Ahead, Must be 21 or older, maturity optional". Maybe we go go to a tranquility spot!

Love and Light beautiful sister,
It's almost SPRING,
Maggie

Inhale, Clare!

Hey Maggie,

So I was up in the middle of the night thinking about Emily Dickinson, thinking about love , and then...thinking about asthma, of all things.

But of course it all fits together.

"Until you have loved, you can not become yourself..."

I started thinking about loving as breathing. We breathe out and share ourselves and spread warmth and light and connection.  Then we breathe in and accept the breath of others, we receive their warmth, their light and feel the connection.

When one has asthma, one can breathe in, but not out.  I guess when one has COPD, one can breathe out, but has extreme difficulty inhaling. Simplistic, I know, but go with the image.

I think I have spirito-psycho COPD. I can send love out, but I can't receive it well.  And then we all know people who are love sponges, who absorb as much as they can get, but are afraid to release any for anyone else.

And romantically, we always manage to find each other!

It seems like kind of a joke, but we actually fit together beautifully.

I am Grandma...waiting to eat, not having anything until everyone has been served and has left the table.  What is left is mine.  Granted, I don't do that with food, but I do it with life.  I am that guilt inducing yia-yia who  says "Don't worry about me...I'll be okay here, alone."  (Sighhhhhh...)

I was stuck in the past again.  Remembering being about 12 or 13 and having daily conversations with a classmate.  We were both convinced our fathers hated us, and would bring examples to school each day to share with each other...a very private show and tell.  I remember, at an earlier age, thinking - Dads have to love you.  It's like a rule...and knowing my Dad didn't love me was pretty clear evidence that I am not lovable.  Like yesterday, I am cycling through all of the old crap, but seeing it a little differently.

Maybe if I am very good, someone will love me... this strikes me as being very female.  Maybe the root of being nice.  I'll keep trying though, because maybe I'm not lovable, but at least I'm still alive.

So what is the remedy?  There must be some way to make people, first - aware of breathing on a spirito-psycho level.  Then to teach us how to inhale and follow with an exhale.

I'll hang out with the trees if it stops raining and maybe get some answers!!

Love and hugs from Clare

Dreaming about travel, being places with groups of people for the past few nights.  Don't quite understand yet.

cycling

Hi Maggie,

I know...it's quiet...in my head and in my heart and in my life, too.  I'm not having anything deep or profound or emotional happening.

I took two days off in the middle of the week, and for no reason. I slept until 8:00 this morning.  That's big for me.  I have to get up at 5:00 for work, and on weekends the dogs usually have me up by 6:00 or 6:30.

I have been having thoughts, trying on ideas, but then they slip away and I don't remember what I was trying on.

I had my little companion for the day.  We repotted my Norfolk Island pine and some spider plant babies from the neighbor.  Then we had extra potting soil, so we started a few things for the garden - flowers and herbs mostly. She had the best time putting soil in one container, then moving it to another.  She got appropriately grubby.  A dirty kid is a healthy kid!

I feel like I should be doing something, but mostly I am waiting.

So I went looking for something to inspire thought...and I found:

Emily Dickinson,  "Until you have loved, you can not become yourself."

And as I read that, I wondered if who I am is because I have mostly loved children, grandchildren, animals, trees, pets, grandmas.  Am I myself yet? That makes me wonder how many of us get through life never truly being who we are.

I was thinking about a writer who really influenced me.  His name is Derrick Jensen, and he is an environmental activist on the west coast.  He writes openly and with great awareness of the sexual abuse he suffered at the hands of his father, and how it changed who he is and the way he sees the world.

He was writing once about sitting alone in a tree grieving,then he wondered why he was not in the arms of a woman who loved him. 

I am cycling, I know.  Scratched record back, looking at the damage and the lack of way forward...

I think another really, really long night of sleep will be the most loving thing I can do for myself.

Love and hugs from Clare

every hair

Clare,

I just deleted my post…
I hit the wrong button.
It was not a very thought provoking post anyway…

I had a busy day…
students are back on campus…
classes resumed…
no one was thrilled to be back…
the weather was grey, wet, and raw.
I miss the spring weather we had last week.
It's amazing how quickly we are spoiled by nice things.
I think we are creatures of habit…
especially pleasurable habits…
although people do terrible things to themselves habitually and resist giving it up.
we find comfort in discomfort.
Familiar bad is better than the unknown-possibly better.

Anyway…
I am struggling with this time change. I don't understand how shifting one hour has such a powerful influence on my body, but it does.
My mind is blank…
I'm tired in the afternoon…
I can't fall asleep at bedtime…
I don't understand the need to this shift.

I was talking with my new boss today. We were talking about the balance between mysticism and activism as a driving force in spirituality. It is so nice to work with someone who thinks broadly- inclusively. I enjoy her insights and wisdom.
She is a very unstressed person…
she is intense in the moment of consideration…
but can walk away from it and not worry.
A lesson I would like to learn.
She told me that by January she wants us to switch jobs…
her directing projects and me as the executive director.
I think I will be ready by then, especially if she is still on board as a consultant.
I am excited to move ahead.

I am blank minded tonight.
I am holding onto part of a conversation from earlier- the divine knows every hair on our heads…
it's a powerful thought.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

springing

Hi Love,

Isn't life just full of ups and downs right now?  Last week for S#3's birthday- it was so much fun. Yesterday I had a large group at my house. More joy seeping into my walls. Yet we have two dear women passing.

You have the same with the joy of your first and the depression of your last.  As I was reading, I thought that he is both more aware of what he is feeling, and he feels safer telling you.  I know two of mine have had suicidal feelings. I have, too.  It helps to express them, to get those feelings out in the open.  They seem to lose their power to pinch at the brain when the light of day touches them.

Your husband's heart...interesting. What came to me is that his dependence - he doesn't like you to go away, etc.  It is kind of choking.  I think maybe, as you work this out energetically, it will become easier to be connected physically. Keep me posted.

Spring seems to be starting early, although it is chilly again tonight.  Everything feels like it ready to break loose and flow.  I am not sure if it will be good or bad, but it seems like this year will be overwhelming.  In the meantime, I think I need to make a fire in the woodstove to take the cold edge off the evening.

I took two days off this week.  I set my schedule every August for the next January - December.  And every once in awhile, I try to make a long weekend that stretches across pay periods so I don't lose too much time at once.  Many times I reopen my schedule and just let it fill back in. I was tempted to do that this week, but, instead I told my daughter I would take the babe all day, meaning I have to take off.  I have to sleep in.  I have to not write any reports.

But I only sort of gave myself time off.

It is so hard to be gentle with myself, to not push, to not overschedule.

Gotta learn to be kind!!

Tired, so not much profundity tonight.  Maybe tomorrow!

Love and hugs from Clare

Celebrating life

Clare,
Peace and Blessings…
Death is a sacred time.
One of my greatest privileges in life has been to sit with people at the time of death (and birth). It hasn't happened in a while but it is what I miss most about medicine. When I was a resident I had the opportunity to help families come to terms with the oncoming death. To share their last words. To give permission to the dying to let go. It amazed me how the sick will hold on if they believe someone still needs them alive. But that sense of being so close to the veil is astounding. I've considered doing hospice work- to have access to that sensation of peace and expansion. But, I realized that would a selfish endeavor, so I chose not to.
I will hold you in the Light through all of this.

We celebrated our oldest's birthday yesterday. We were celebrating LIFE.
She was home for 2 days. It is such a joy to have her visit. She brings energy to the house. She truly loves being here and it shows. It does my heart good to have that sense. We went to a fun, italian restaurant nearby. All of my children came along, except the youngest. He is still struggling and didn't feel up to it. My young man came along, but he was at times overwhelmed, and retreated to playing games on his phone from time to time.

I am worried about my youngest. He has been sharing some self-harming thoughts with me. Considering what the world would be like without him. Not wanting to engage in activities. We are seeing his counselor Monday and I've made an appointment with an adolescent psychiatrist in May (earliest available). He goes through this every year, but either it's worse this year, or he feels more comfortable sharing these thoughts now. Hold him in the Light, Please.

I have been practicing reiki every day this week. I've either flowed reiki to animals or family members. It seems to be flowing. I get a sense of energy in my hands while I am practicing. I had a strange reaction two nights ago. I was working on husband, as I got to his heart chakra I started to cough, choke really. I moved away. I moved back in and placed my hands above his chest and it happened again. It happened 3 times and I moved on from their- no more coughing or choking. I'm not sure what I tapped into. I will have to meditate on that and see if anything arises.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

pruning?

Hi Maggie,

It is a sweet, sad, poignant moment in my life.  Two very old, frail, powerhouse women are getting ready to pass.  Families are vigiling.  It is so full of emotion...

I remember having the honor of sitting with my mother-in-law's mother as she was passing, or having a chance to talk, to tell her how important she was.  As she spoke with me, she also spoke with her son who had passed a few years earlier (Remember when he dropped trou to show you his shingles when he found out you were in med school?)  She was between worlds, and so I was close. I could feel the glimmer.  It was amazing.

One is an older friend.  Her great niece is a friend...She is who is keeping me in the loop.  She shared a message with me...My older friend said she wished she had met me earlier so we could have had more adventures together.  That touched me...it went deep in my soul...it has colored my whole day.

She went into ICU this morning, and they are not expecting her to leave.  I have been holding her in the Light for days.  She is graceful. This will be okay...

The other...the other I don't know well.  I met her several times as an activist - although she over-everythinged me.  I met her once as family.  That was only recently.  Just after, she fell, broke her hip, and was hospitalized.  She has been home for a few weeks.  But she has been in failing health - physically and mentally for some time.

Her granddaughter is my youngest son's beloved. I know you met her.  Her family is close-knit and supportive - often my role-models.

This weekend, my son and two of the matriarch's grandsons will build her coffin - a simple pine box with rope handles.

I am in awe of my son.

We are blessed to have a natural cemetery here. Bodies are not embalmed. They are tended by the family.  Bodies are carried to the grave in a simple box or on a bier. I have told my children - I want the bier. I want a linden planted on my grave.  I want to feed the trees.  Only my middle son is practical enough to hear me.  The others freak out a little.

The funerals are a raw and terrible beauty. We, the survivors who have to go on without a loved one, we feel it, like a sacrament.

Maybe this is what the eclipse brought.  And I wonder - who is the third?

Love and teary hugs from Clare

pruning

Hi Maggie,

One of mine has noticed SAD comes a'knocking every winter.  I wonder if it is Vitamin D deficiency as much as anything else.  But it is also disconnect from Nature.  I know I get heartsick, followed by body sick, if I don't go outside.  I need to see the trees, to feel them, to breathe in their breath.

It is good when we notice patterns. That is when we have the wisdom to do something different...to break the pattern.

I'm wondering if you felt like your son was alone and in the dark, because you feel alone and in the dark. You raised him well.  He had Light and community.  Life just cracks sometimes and falls apart.  But that is a sign that something new is getting ready to break through.  Chaos used to scare the hell out of me.  But now I relax. I have learned that in chaos, all choices are possible. And once we make a choice, then chaos lessens until it seems we have life under control. And when we're feeling that, we all know what comes next - chaos.

I had a crazy thought in response to "Stop this merry-go-round. I want to get off!"  What if we all just got on with you?

Just a wild and random thought...

Reiki Party in October...all Delana girls invited!!

Fun!!

So an eclipse occurred and nothing big happened...I think.  No big realizations, no secrets revealed. At least not yet.

A client complained about my work and I heard about it today.  My manager seems relatively unconcerned - it's only the second or third time in nine years.  But I noticed I became anal trying to remember/recover details.  I am wondering why I have such a deep need to be good. How deep is this crap, this need for approval from without?  I'm starting to magnify lots of little things and create a drama in my brain.

Child of alcoholism!

How deep is this? And how do I gently prune this part and chip it up for fertilizer for the parts of self I want to nurture?

Lost in thoughts...

Love and hugs from Clare

spiraling

Clare,

I agree we need that levity everyday…
maybe that's a resolution to make.

This morning, as I meditated, I was moved to pull out my journals and read the February and March entries. I read back through 3 years and it is much the same…
sons are acting out…
I'm reactive…
feels like chaos…
something sets us right.
I'm spiraling…
this issue is probably SAD- seasonal affective disorder…
and I'm recognizing the pattern…
finally.
I actually pointed this out to my youngest yesterday during a talk…
and had to verify by re-reading the journals.
The spiral is at a different level of understanding, perception…
I'm not as lost…
or convinced that we are all going down…
it's livable…
and we are learning.
My youngest is on a 2 day out of school suspension…
for a multitude of minor infractions.
I am frustrated with his school…
but they must be really frustrated with my son to go to this extreme.
This will stay on his record…
he may have to explain his choices when enrolling in a college.
He broke up with his girlfriend yesterday…
things have been snowballing for him…
and he finally cracked.
I was terrified last night.
He went to the local mountain/migratory path- his favorite local place.
He said he was going to stay until well after dark.
Then his phone died before I could ask him to come back while it was light.
No battery=no flashlight…
the footing is difficult in many spots up there.
I was on my way to yoga.
I called husband and asked him to go up and find him…
and should I come back to help.
He assured me he would be ok alone and went up and found our son and several friends walking…
having a great time…
not understanding what the fuss was about.
I thought he was alone and in the dark…
he took friends and they had Light.
There is a message in this for me!
I think there's a bit of Grandma Delana in me.

The spiral is continuous.
I can't stop it.
I just have to keep moving forward on it.
I pray that I can recognize the growth and celebrate that, rather than lament that we are back at the same problem again.
Last night I heard myself think, "Stop this merry-go-round, I want to get off."
But, I really don't want off. I want peace in the circling.

I'd love a Reiki party. I will keep practicing and opening my channel.
Make me a channel of your peace…

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

eclipse a'coming

Hi Maggie...

The redwing blackbirds are back. They are back early...they're back. The redwings sing summer in my soul.  I hear them with my soul and something wakes up, and then my senses are heightened...and there they are.  I hear them with my ears, I find them with my eyes.  It happens every year. Yet every year is a surprise full of exuberant joy.

Soon we'll hear the spring peepers!  And I saw my first robin last week. But nothing compares to the redwings!

Do you know what - I disagree. I don't think we need to decompress once in awhile. I think laughter and companionship and good food should be a regular part of our lives.  But I/we can't have that when we live in isolation.

The massage was okay.  She asked if I had any stress points or physical problems for her to work on.  I said I didn't know, but that this was my first time and that I had been raped, so I was feeling real vulnerable. She asked if maybe she should focus mainly on back and neck and head, so that I could feel safe and relaxed.

As she worked on my back, I became aware that working on my body is not unlike cleaning the house.  Regular upkeep is healthy.  This was a shock for me, with my hidden Puritan roots, me who is always waiting for everyone else everything else before it is my turn.

I sort of understood the statement that the body is a temple, housing my soul, the vehicle for my soul, the part that allows me to be grounded here, enjoying the physical density, the glory and beauty of this world.

Maybe I was actually in my body for the while...

I noticed I clenched my hands together, and I clench my jaw. She said maybe next time we can work on those two areas.  Hmmmmmm...will there be a next time???

I also had the thought, as she was working the knots out of my shoulders, that for a moment the weight of the world was lifted.  Writing that makes me emotional...but in true me-fashion, the thought warped someplace strange.  I suddenly wondered how to do this for the trees, for the Earth.

I'm still thinking. Yesterday my little buddy and I walked in the woods, and instead of watching the ground - scouting for the earliest herbs, I was looking up, asking the branches for advice.

Tonight is an eclipse.  It is a solar eclipse which will be visible over the Pacific Ocean.  I have been having strange middle of the night occurrences, and so I planted a tree of flames in the middle of my little house.  It is rooted well below the basement, and stretches far above the roof. And it protects.  Let's see what happens next.

S#5 and I think maybe you should Reiki all of us in October. A Reiki party!!  I think Melvin is a sweet name.  I have known a few and they were all calm and smiling and present.

I remember being a teenager. Emotions were extreme.  I was never so high or so low.  I think maybe I miss the highs, but never the lows.  I prefer this mellow balance of being older.  And in fact, I don't know if I need those highs. Now there is a sweeter, more pervasive high.

Each stage is a gift.  But it's hard to know that while in the middle of chaos...

Hope all is well with all-y'all.

Love and hugs from Clare

appreciation

Clare,

I'm glad you had a good time…
and laughed…
ans had massage…
this weekend.
Everyone needs to decompress every once in a while.

I had my Reiki attunement…
and then practiced reiki on some friends.
It was interesting.
Not quite as dramatic as I expected…
I kind of hoped for a spectacular wave of energy to overtake me…
then I'd know I was flowing Reiki.
I got a buzzing, itchy sensation in the backs of my thighs was I was being attuned.
I have a sense of energy as I scan with my hands…
but nothing dramatic.
I guess I have to tune into subtle energy shifts.
We all found out our Reiki guides' names and a little about them-
previously human souls who guide reiki practitioners from the other side.
I think I posse dine off though-
everyone else was getting very exotic guides…
Stephano, adeline, feather, etc…
mine's name is Melvin…
he was described as Captain Kangaroo-esque.
But he was a people doctor who also practiced on animals and used energy before it was popular.
So I am talking to him as I practice.
So far he is very quiet.
I did reiki on husband last night and 2 horses this afternoon.
I'm still trying to sense the subtleties.
By the time I see you I hope to be much better at this whole practice.
Reiki 2 is scheduled for late May.

My roller coaster life continues.
My youngest is going through a tough time…
many changes…
many challenges…
many choices.
He was talking about how negative everything seems to him…
and I was reminded of how grey and dark my life was when I was depressed. I think being able to offer him insight is helpful. Hearing his description of how dark the world is made me appreciate how far I've come out of that darkness. I hope he can see the Light as he travels through this tough time.

The new job is interesting, although I am seeing how diplomatic the position has to be. My boss has to juggle situations with a smile as she quickly analyzes the situation and determines the best next step. She is amazingly flexible- if something is suggested by another she allows consensus to determine the choice. I hope I can be that flexible…
I may just say, "Too bad, we had it planned this way. Maybe next year".
I will have to watch and learn the fine art of working well with people.
We have a youth summit this Thursday- it will be a lot of work, but I think a lot of fun too.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

just - fun

Hi Maggie...

It's not really judgmental, because I did it.  I used my obligations, especially to kids, to give me an out - no matter what the situation.

I made great food.Young people did not eat a lot of it.  Her grandson was here, so my grandchildren came over, and my oldest two spent the night.  It was good because they all distracted each other.

The weekend was truly fun.  We went for massages - S#3 and I, a close friend of mine, my youngest and a close friend of hers who calls me Mom.  We all crowded into the sauna and talked. We went to lunch together. It felt nice being part of a group of connected women.

It actually started Friday evening when my friend came to help me cook. She worked with me and Nephew and although we were productive, we laughed a lot.

Dinner was filled with laughter. S#3 was relaxed.

It was just nice.

I need more times like this in my life. More feelings of connection and creativity.  I do have fun cooking, and I made a couple impressive dishes.  People over 30 were appreciative of the effort and skill.

I am mostly tired now. 

Tomorrow my life goes back to normal. I don't think I have any evening work this week, although I am available, I think...I don't understand what they are doing. Just a bit more of the stress!

Hope all is well in your life!

Love and hugs from Clare

a little bitchy

Clare,

I understand that disappointment of S#3 bringing her grandson along…
it has nothing to do with not enjoying his company…
it is about wanting her company without the distraction.
I hesitate to invite her to go out because of her responsibilities and the children. I spoke with her yesterday and she was consistently interrupted by the two older children…
they seem to demand her attention constantly. My observations are torn between her importance as an attachment figure for them- giving true stability- and their exploitation of her kindness- or rather her daughter's exploitation of that kindness that seeps into the children's actions.
I also sometimes wonder if she brings him along as a safety valve…
a quick escape if she needs to leave?
That sounds really judgmental and I should delete it- but it is honest so I'll leave it alone.

Make great food. Explain to the young man that this is an opportunity for him to be mature and pretend to be grown up. Or perhaps he could go off with his uncle while you two have your wine pairing dinner…maybe that would be a compromise.

I was watching my trauma course video today and hit on something.
One slide had 3 areas delineated- oriented horizontally one above the other.
The lowest was "hypoarousal"- collapsed, weak, sluggish, dissociated, poor cognition, poor planning, isolation, flat affect
The middle was "window of tolerance"- where we live best
The highest was "hyperarousal"- hyper vigilant, affect flooded, impulsive, racing thoughts, self-destructive
I identified with the hypoarousal state presently…
Perhaps my life is triggering me to collapse.
Perhaps I am stressed more than I admit.
Perhaps I have to bring myself back by grounding and centering on my own sensations.
Is my perception of depression- short lived periods that feel depressed- really hypoarousal?
Is this a symptom of my trauma history making itself evident?
Perhaps the idea of more teenaged boys in my life is a trigger…
and an opportunity to resolve the issues.
interesting…
something to ponder.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

no pizza

Hi Maggie,

I'm with you.  There is more kindness, and evil is the anomaly.  But the evil is what is pushed into our faces.  I'm with your son - let's find a quiet place to escape...

I read something once that talked about the violation of abuse forcing us out of our bodies.  I wonder how many of us are just hanging around, but not really in  our bodies.  I have been healing these past few years, and I'm more in my body than ever before, but I am definitely not home most of the time!

I also remember your healer talking about my pattern of sitting to the side, watching, analyzing, thinking. It's kind of who I am, I suppose.

But the dream, then thinking about being a visitor sort of pushed the whole idea in my face, and made me think a little more about who I am and who I want to be.  And what will the rest of my life be like if I don't become who I want to be.

S#3is tired, and a little overwhelmed with kids she never chose to have.  The idea was to get her up here alone, but her daughter has to work on Saturday and so the girls will go to their father and his mother.  Her son can't go there, because the girls' father is especially abusive to him.  He has returned traumatized every time.  And so he will probably come here.

We all agree the boy has to be protected, and his safety is paramount. But I will admit I am disappointed. Even if just for the stupid little reason that I don't want to hear anyone complaining about my food, and I know that will not happen.

Then I either feel resentful or I feel like I have to make something to suit everyone.

Which bugs me because I have the best time thinking of menus, considering how courses and flavors are going to build on each other.  And none of my dishes include pizza, wings, or any crap from McD!

But we'll expect the best and see what happens.

I have been working evenings as well as my usual hours, and find I'm not getting anything else done...and I'm just getting tired.

Oh well...It won't last forever.

Love and hugs from Clare

explanation

Clare,

Interesting ideas…
I have a few responses.

Maybe my dream was in that last house because Mom and Dad were there for 36 years. It is the place my children identified as a family home.  I was only ever a visitor. Kind of explains the way I often feel like a visitor.

In dreams a house signifies a soul…
or maybe in this case a body.
My mind wonders if you are a visitor in this body…
not fully connected…
ready to be triggered…
aloof…
observant…
vigilant.

This brings in the second observation about you seeing the world as divine, but perpetrators of violence are present. My son doesn't see the Earth or animals or things as evil…
he thinks it's the people that are f#$&ed up. 
He is perfectly happy with animals…
he loves nature…
but people are highly probable to be judgmental and dangerous to us.

He and I were sharing the conflict I see good with evil as the exception, he sees evil with good as the exception.
Our expectations color our perceptions.
A young man, in our town, attacked his mother this week. He threatened her with an ax and a chainsaw. He is now in jail. My son said it figures, he's an evil person- punishment in jail is what he deserves. I said he is ill and needs treatment. 

I don't think you are exactly like my son.I was trying to point out that his inclination is to find a safe place, where no one will bother him, and stay put. He fails to explore because of fear. His only true exploration has been through the use of drugs- which make him less afraid, and the desert walk- which made him fearless. I wish a bit of the fearless, trusting part persisted. I've asked him if he wants to walk again- he said he cannot do that every year to get a refresher- very true- he has to find it inside of himself. 

I haven't heard much from S#3 recently. I texted last night and got a delayed reply. I hope that she is OK. I believe you said she is coming up there this weekend- I hope you two have a wonderful visit.
I've been very busy, so I haven't invited her to do anything recently, I should reach out to her. Especially with her birthday coming up.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie