whining

we all know frustration.  it may simply be part of the human experience!

i keep applying for additional jobs as i find ads.

i think this is still part of me being a good girl and waiting for it to be my turn.  i don't think i know how to stand up for myself.  i do know how to say, f*** it, and walk away.  that seems to be my method of setting boundaries.

i really don't know what to do with myself. i had a flash of birthing my oldest.  i had a very long labor, hours of transition, and when it was time to push i was exhausted.  my midwife got in my face and told me i had to push.  i had to push mean...i feel like i need to push, but i have no idea where i am or what i'm birthing!  i have the feeling i need to trust the process, and endure...sort of like being in transition for a few hours when it should be ten or twenty minutes.

sometimes i have the feeling that i'm not real...i'm not really here, like i'm invisible and totally inconsequential.

i'm so tired.  i feel like i'm tired of life.  whining again.  i apologize.

i can do more with my hand, but the more i can do, the more i discover i can't do.  so, i'll keep pretending it's normal and noting the limitations i have to work through.  this weekend - the garden.  i still have time to plant beans, and if i get starts, there will be squash and melons.

i love the magic of gardening.  i miss it.

my little dog has been up walking around a lot today.  she hasn't been this active for weeks.  i wonder what's up with her.

on to the kitchen where a soapy tub of dirty plates awaits me.  hope your life is exciting, too!

love from clare