Mindfulness

I have been working on changing my reactions and responses to different events. 

It begins and ends with mindfulness. 

I will explain.

So, I have been trying to overcome my trepidation about the upcoming family gathering...

unable to stop the negativity that starts to play over and over in my brain each time I thought of attending. 

S#3 texted and asked me if I was attending...she said that she has not heard much about the plans either...so maybe it is not just me...maybe the others have it all taken care of.

Now, I have every right to attend. I am expected to attend. But I do not feel welcomed to attend...

Does that make sense?

So, I have been trying to recognize the negativity as soon as it begins to play and replay within my psyche...you know those old tapes that automatically run through your brain...

not good enough...

not one of us...

outsider...

dumb, fat, ugly...

and on and on and on.

I have been trying to recognize and stop those as soon as I am able to, in order to replace them with more positive thoughts...to take away the uncertainty and isolation that is so prevalent within our family of origin. 

It is so sad that anyone has to play these mind games with family. The people who are intended to be closest to us...but also the people who we are most vulnerable to as well. 

I am striving for vulnerability...

I am striving to be open and wholehearted...

isn't this an opportunity to practice that?

Maybe not with this group of people...

maybe that task's too dangerous...

What a sad statement to make and yet it is truly what my heart feels.

So how strong have I become over this past year(s)?

How much progress have I/we made through this sharing?

How courageous am I capable of being?

How sad it is that I have to muster courage to visit family...how sad indeed.

Anyway I am getting better at replacing negative thoughts with positive ones...and that is a great lesson to be learned. I am reprogramming my brain to dwell on the positive and reconnect those areas of the brain rather than just moving me into stress mode or fight/flight. Last week I gave a lecture on stress and disease and I was asked by several people how to counteract the effects of abuse and stress on the brain and body, so I am experimenting with my own brain. I am going to see what works and makes sense in my life and then hopefully pass them on to others.

So it all comes back to mindfulness...awareness of the present moment...not the past or the future...

just right her and right now.

I will continue to practice...

I hope that you are having a wonderful weekend...it rained very hard here this afternoon and I napped...what a wonderful way to spend a few hours.

Love and Light,

Maggie