fitting the mold

Clare,
You are probably right, slowing down might be what I need. I have trouble slowing down though. Today I taught class and then home to exercise before a message. I had the afternoon and evening free. It was really difficult for me to not do something. I ended up reading a book, which is really doing something. My boys were both home and getting on each others' nerves. So, now it is evening and I'm looking forward to sleep.

There are only 2 weeks left of this semester. It is crazy how fast they pass by. I am teaching a new course for the spring, in addition to my regular course. I don't have the textbook, or notes, or a power point…I am going to have to get busy preparing this course. I've never taught physiology before, but I think it will be a more in-depth look at what I taught this semester. It ought to be interesting.

I hope that the added responsibility doesn't distract me from developing my new idea. I will have to stay focused and open to inspiration. Maybe I'll run into someone through this opportunity that can help move the ideas along…you never know who is going to show up.

My youngest is sick today too. Cough, fever and chills. I hope I don't get sick. I hate being sick. So far I haven't been sick at all this fall…it's been so nice. Even my allergies aren't bad this year.

So what do you think S#3 needs that we can supply? She doesn't reach out to me for help or assistance. She hasn't contacted me in a while, except to answer an occasional text from me. I'm not sure what I can offer her. I have told her to let me know how I can help, but she continues to trudge on independently…occasionally letting off some steam. She fits the mold of the abused/neglected child grown up with poor attachments that I am learning about in my course. It's sad to think that most of us fit that mold. It's very sad.

I decorate my house for Christmas after Thanksgiving, but don't get a tree and decorate it until the weekend before Christmas to make it extra special.

Love and Light Beautiful sister,
Maggie

message

Hi Maggie,

I have found that what happens is what is supposed to happen.  Relax and see what the message is. A car down usually means slow down, stay home, enjoy a bit of quiet. I have found that when I ignore messages to slow down, something worse happens - like I get sick. The message seems to be rest, or the universe will make sure you do.

I am sick now.  Nephew's girlfriend was sick when she popped in on Thanksgiving, and I started getting slammed with it yesterday. Now I have no voice.  I was supposed to have a meeting here tomorrow. I canceled that.  So what is my message? Probably sleep. Stop talking and listen.  And stop worrying - if I contaminated S#3 and her family, there's nothing I can do about it now!

I have never done much Christmas decorating early.  I always loved the idea of the twelve days of Christmas - celebrating and visiting from Christmas Day until Little Christmas - your birthday.  It really bothers me to see discarded Christmas trees the day after Christmas. It just seems that we don't know how to celebrate any more. We rush through the season, then boot it out - it's over for this year.

But I do remember one earlyish bit - when the kids were young we would set up Nana's (from the other side of the family) creche, sans the baby.  I would bring in some hay from the barn. The kids were supposed to add one piece of straw every time they did something kind. They were supposed to make the barn warm and soft by Christmas Eve, when they youngest would take the baby to the manger, just before they went to bed.

Christmas is so different when there are young children in the home. I think back to Nana and Papa, and they other greats and grands. Christmas morning didn't seem to be a big deal. They just got dressed and came over later, for dinner and to see the kids.

Makes me wonder if this system of isolated nuclear family is healthy for anyone.

I have been included in a group brainstorming session for a work thing tomorrow. I am so excited to be part of this. I think I complained about something to my manager, and she heard me.

I like being heard.

Of course, not having a voice might be reminding me to make sure I listen.

Sneezing on the computer. I think I'll knit for a bit, then go to bed early.

Love and hugs from Clare

Busy week ahead

Clare,

Your joyful weekend sounds wonderful. Husband and I decorated yesterday. I made a big burlap wreath adorned with balls of muted red, green and gold colors. It nice, not quite what I anticipated, but nice. I decorated the mantle with that wreath in the center positioned over fresh cut pine boughs. I then wove in some white lights and put the extra balls in the greens. It's pretty and smells amazing.

We pulled out most of our decorations, except for the tree. We usually wait for the weekend before Christmas to decorate the tree.
I even bought our Christmas eve PJs last night- on line of course. I always give Christmas Eve PJs to my family…it is a great tradition. I like it because we all look good in Christmas morning pictures.

My car is mis-behaving, so I went to church with husband today. He's been asking me to go with him because their interim pastor is a former Quaker. He is very vocal on social justice issues and wanted me to meet him. I returned a book on Healing Trauma that he sent home with husband. He was good to talk to. I also spoke to an old friend, a lawyer who has been very involved with service to the poor and vulnerable. She told me of a clinic that just opened nearby that sees patients on a sliding scale and asked me if I would be interested in talking with them about mental health services. I told her that I am interested in working from a "trauma informed" basis and would love to talk to her. Who knows- maybe that's another piece of "Integrate". I've been wondering how to finance that idea- this might offer some insight.

I have a crazy week ahead of me- complicated by a car that needs service. It is making a very loud noise while accelerating…probably a muffler issue. But it means one less day to use my car to do all of the things on my list.
Slow down…
One step at a time…
It will all get done.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

joy lingers

Hi Maggie,

I remember your collection of Santas. I also remember your Nutcrackers. I hope you are still savoring your Thanksgiving.

S#3 came, crafted, and got home safely.  We made lots and lots of crafts. When they come, we fill the house with noise and chaos. When they first leave, it's like this serenity descends.My whole body, my whole mind take a deep breath and truly relax.  It's wonderful.  But then I notice the joy lingers.

I felt that after Thanksgiving. Everyone went home, but the laughter saturated the walls, and joy was still there. And when S#3 left, I felt it again.  I laughed a lot because we have glitter everywhere.  I changed my youngest granddaughter's diaper this morning, and she had sparkly butt cheeks. There is a mark on my dining room table, and another on the floor, each eternally glittering. And I like them. They are like scars - and maybe we are warriors of joy!!

I am so glad that your young friend and his brother enjoyed themselves, and felt comfortable with you.  I always come back to the thought that even if he doesn't end up being your foster child, he knows you wanted him. Just knowing someone in this world  wants us gives us resilience.

I am a little worried about S#3. She is tired.  She does so much for work, and then for taking her  household and her grandchildren.  No one seems to realize how much, or that she needs some down time. They all just expect Nana-as-usual every single day. And she provides the love and support every single day.  I was trying to cajole her into coming for a big-girl weekend. She hmmed and hawed - sounded just like me much of the time!!

I have the potential of having just my grandson with me next weekend. I never seem to get one-on-one time with him. The rare occasion it happens, we laugh a lot.  And I want that, I want that memory for both of us. I want to be a strong loving presence in his life, and a memory that provides strength after I am gone...

My house is a mess. Oh well, I did some dishes, some sweeping up, but mo


stly I am going to relax, watch a movie and knit.

Hope you are having a nice Sunday afternoon at your house..

Love and hugs from Clare

tired today

Clare,

I am tired today…too much activity for two days.
It was great though. My kids were all here…
and getting along with each other…
there was laughter…
it was wonderful.
The past few years our holidays have been strained. My kids were out of synch with each other. Too mature-too immature to deal with each other. This year they've seemed to gel. There was a lot of just hanging out together. My older son still spent much of the time alone, but he helped with some of the cooking. We had two guests, my young friend and his brother. It went well. The younger, I had never met before, was very shy and quiet. He spent most of his day playing video games with my youngest. He did come up to play scrabble with a few of us though. He smiled a lot, I believe it was a genuine smile. They both ate so much food- it was great. The older brother was very interactive, he spent time talking with each of us, getting to know us and expressing gratitude. When I dropped them off he asked if they could visit again. I agreed that would be good. I think I'm going to speak to him at our next session and if he wants to visit I will turn him over to another therapist before that happens. It's the best way to handle it. My kids each told me how much they enjoyed having them here.

I am picking up a new course next semester, physiology. I've never taught it before. I just hope that it isn't too much for me. My older son's cyber-schooling will be done early in January, so I won't have to monitor that anymore. I need to get a hold of the text book and hopefully a disc of power points will be included…otherwise I'm going to drown in this.

I hope you have fun with S#3 and her family. I think I'm going to begin decorate my house for Christmas tomorrow. Do some of the outside lights and dress the mantles. I have a collection of Santas that I display on the kitchen side of the fireplace and then I do fresh greens on the great room side. It makes it so pretty and it smells great. Have fun…
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

Happy Thanksgiving

Hi Maggie,

I'm glad your reading went well.  How was your Thanksgiving day?

We had a good time here. Lots of people.  They played cards - a lot.  I taught the kids BS, the card game where one lies.  I got loud at one point and shouted Bull-shit.  Then smacked my own face. I was trying to be so careful with my language!

We tried new recipes. Most were good.  We had a brussels-sprouts-off.  My youngest son and I each made a dish featuring sprouts. We sort of made it a challenge - which was better. In the end, we exchanged recipes and agreed to like both.  He had the edge though, because he grew his sprouts. I bought mine...

Happy Thanksgiving.

Tomorrow morning S#3 arrives with her brood, and my house will be loud and full and wild.  I really love it.  I look forward to it.

This evening, two of my grandchildren, cousins, were interacting like siblings. I really loved watching them spat, because we never had that. Our cousins were strangers, or special guests. We  never truly knew each other.

And with S#3, and her grandkids, we are forming extended family. The kids have more cousins, and have a regular relationship with them.

Now, this evening, with everyone gone, I am really enjoying the silence.

And missing my oldest son. We tried to all a few times, but no one answered.

In all, though, today was lovey-loving-lovely.

Love and hugs from Clare

gratitude

Clare,
Just a quick note.
The service was beautiful. I used the Penington reading and it was well received. I was invited by the UU worship coordinator to return and participate in on elf their services in the future.

I'll be back tomorrow if I find 5 minutes to myself.

Love and Light…I'm grateful that you are my sister.
Maggie

Good call, Mama

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/gretchen-kelly/the-thing-all-women-do-you-dont-know-about_b_8630416.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000046

Hi Maggie,

Have you read the blog post above?  I expect it will get to you.  I just finished reading it, and my heart is racing.  As I was reading, so many memories flashed through my mind...the guys at work called me the Head Hogan because I had the largest breasts. I had to laugh with them, although I really felt ashamed.  My boss in high school, while I was waitressing at his restaurant, pulling down the zipper of my uniform as I went by with a hot plate in each hand.  Having some guy pass me on the street and call me a cunt.   Having guys I said hi to, expecting that I wanted to go out with them, not taking no for an answer.  Cat calls from construction sights.  Humiliating cat calls...Our brothers' total disrespect for out privacy...

It all made me angry.  Perhaps I never realized I could be angry.

And now I am invisible.  And I wish I weren't.  But it's better than being on edge, ready to be assaulted verbally or physically all the time...

Yeah.

When I read your Isaac Pennington quote last evening, it didn't speak to me.  I thought the  God-i-ness was too much, and the old language didn't pull me in. I reread it again this morning, and liked it a lot more.  Obviously I processed something in my sleep! 

Have you made the final decision?

You know, the red flag of getting up alone to get high also called out to me. Good call, Mama.

And I really love your observation that addiction is the symptom.  Everything makes more sense when you step back and look at the big picture. 

I am absolutely in favor of legalizing marijuana.  I know that what will happen is the same as what happened when alcohol was legalized.  MADD developed, and created authentic limits to drinking.  I think it has been taken too far now.  I think the constant lowering of the BAC levels is not to keep us all safe, but to make more money from fines, etc.  I have the sense that DUI has become a profitable business. When movement comes from the people, it works.  As soon as the authorities take over, it becomes financially motivated,  or maybe fear vs, power motivated.

Having fun planning Thanksgiving dinner.  I really like cooking, and I like stretching the tradition...using traditional foods, but in new ways.  One more day of work, then I have four whole days in a row.  I am looking forward to it!

Hope all is well...

Love and hugs from Clare

feedback

Clare,

I am still looking for the right words…
never sure until I read there right thing…
I am leaning toward this…
I love the part that starts "Give over thine own willing"…
I've been sitting with this reading for about a day now…
What do you think?

So then, there is the sweet communion.... the sweet joy and refreshment in the Lord our righteousness, who causeth righteousness to drop down from heaven, and truth to spring up out of the earth. And so our Father is felt blessing us, blessing our land, blessing our habitations, delighting in us and over us to do us good; and our land yields its increase to the Lord of Life, who hath redeemed it and planted the precious plants and seeds of life in it....

Give over thine own willing, give over thine own running, give over thine own desiring to know or be anything, and sink down to the seed which God sows in thy heart and let that be in thee, and grow in thee, and breathe in thee, and act in thee, and thou shalt find by sweet experience that the Lord knows that and loves that and owns that, and will lead it to the inheritance of life, which is his own portion.... There is a continual praying unto God. There is a continual blessing and praising of his name, in eating or drinking or whatever else is done.


Isaac Penington (1617-1679)

I've been thinking about the question you posed…
Who am I trying to please or appease by outlawing pot? I have written in favor of legalization…
I believe in legalization for social justice concerns…
I am just not ready to allow any of my kids to knowingly put themselves in harms way…
possessing and using illegal substances. It's tough trying to balance this out.

I talked to him on the morning following my sleepless night. I gave him back the pipe and asked him to never let me find it again. I told him I was proud of his control while his brother berated him during the evening.
I understand the need to get rid of that energy…
but getting high by yourself is not the best way…
exercise, music, a hot shower…
better choices.
I've told my kids that if they choose to get high at as party is not surprising…
but sitting alone at night is kind of a red-flag.

I was watching my trauma lecture today…
it re-enforced what I already know…
but wasn't seeing last week…
behaviors aren't the problem…
they are a sign of a deeper issue.
Addiction is not the disease…
it's the escape or numbing of underlying problems.
So, I have to start to ask the tougher questions and listen…
really listen.
Thanks for the feedback.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

allies

http://esrquaker.blogspot.com/2013/11/gratitude-justice-mystery.html

Good morning Maggie,

For some reason, I copy/pasted incorrectly yesterday.  I think I sort of messed up, got lost,  tried to get back to that blog, and my computer did not return correctly, and I didn't notice.  I think it is right now.

I will hold you and your breasts in the Light...every night...as hard as I can.  I love you and trust you and if you are worried, I will worry with you.

I have been thinking about your son, and wondering what the lesson is.  If he was a warrior in past lives, if he has the warrior spirit, then stealth and might are his weapons.  Negatively used, these become threatening and bullying.  Maybe he is here to learn respect and gentleness, transparency and honesty.  Because the way he is behaving lacks integrity and dignity.  I wonder if his warrior self need to develop these qualities in order to fill out his Spirit and allow him to use his massive gifts appropriately.  And if he resists the lessons, how hard will the Universe have to hit him?

And maybe you have to think about how closely we should conform to the rules. Too often, the rules are wrong. The rules are for control, not for right.  Marijuana laws are one of the strongest examples of this. Are you obeying just to be a good girl?

This plant is an ally. 

Does your need to keep your son from using stem from fear of the authorities? If so, what else will we let them do because we fear them?

Fear is appropriate, though. From what I understand (and since some things have changed, I may be wrong...) search and seizure laws means your son is putting your property, your reputation at risk. He absolutely does not have the right to do that.

And one last thought...I have been seeing a lot of articles about cannabis as a healer. Do you need it?  Is that why it keeps making appearances in your life???

Just a thought...As an herbalist, I have recommended it.  Since it was not legal, we won't go there here.

Working with some of my health issues in the middle of the night.  I actually felt Grandma with me.  I told her I wished I had loved her more when she was still here. I felt a sense of forgiveness, and the feeling that we can work together now.  I had a moment with many women,from our family and my in-law family, all married to alcoholics, and I told them I didn't want what they had, so I tried to do it different...Not sure where that is going.

So today I have the gift of a day for me.  I must leave my desk and see the world!

Love and hugs from Clare

Cannot sleep

Clare,

Would you resend that link…
it won't open as you sent it.
I get a blank page of our blog when I cut and paste it into the browser.
Thanks.

It's 1:30 am…
I haven't been able to sleep yet. I have been laying in my bed…
resting, but unable to fall asleep.
I heard my youngest go down for a snack and got up to see if he was ok…
I got a smell of pot…
again…
and asked him why.
He shifts the blame onto me…
"you're neurotic"…
"you're too inflexible to accommodate my habits".
This is the second time this week…
he's already grounded…
I just cannot get through to him.

Now I really cannot sleep.
I am torn.
I know it's not really addictive.
I understand it is relatively safe.
But…
it is illegal.
I don't know how to instill respect into him.

The truth of the matter is that I was up at 1 am because I was worried about me. I have an area on my chest wall that is red, tender and raised. It is the site where my drainage tube exited. I am worried about recurrence of my tumor. It is not unusual for them to occur at the incision site- cutaneous metastasis.
I don't let myself think about it too much, but tonight I was thinking about it.
I have an appointment with my oncologist in 2 weeks, then I'll get answers.
I let my fear take hold of my brain and it pushes logic and reason to the side.

Anyway, that's my chaotic brain at 1:30 am today.
I love you.
Thanks, as always, for listening.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

loving where you are

https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=830752024183765506#editor/src=sidebar

Hi Maggie,

I found the blog entry above. Perhaps that will give you some leads about gratitude. I kind of liked it, but I have the feeling I have to read it again, after thinking about it for awhile...The part that is provoking starts below the Rockwellesque family dinner image.

This might be my favorite line:  Gratitude means loving where you are -- linked, as it is, to everything else that is.

Maybe this should be my new  definition!

I had a couple of other thoughts.  I went to FGC to see if I could find a First Day curriculum dealing with Thanksgiving, or with gratitude. I thought maybe some of the listed resources might help. No luck. Then I was thinking about the testimonies...SPICE - Simplicity, Peace, Integrity, Community, Equality...which ties to gratitude.  No inspiration in my tired brain tonight, though.

I didn't think about this before, but FGC does have an interesting catalog of books for sale. Maybe you could find some kind of a lead there.

I didn't really think of the youth service visit as a test.  My comments were very tongue-in-cheek.

Ever since the kitten came last summer, my older cat has been in a continual snit.  I never thought she was a bit of a simpleton, but she is. She a resource hoarder, and a bit of a terrorist.  She loves to sit and intimidate the baby.

Before the kitten arrived, the cat has pretty much completely shifted her allegiance to Nephew.  I had gone weeks without interacting with her.  Now that the kitten arrived, and I am her Mommy, the older cat can't bear to be without me.  She acts like she is loving, but I know she is actually tormenting the baby.

Last night, while I worked at my desk, I had one on each side of the computer, sitting, facing forward, not looking at each other, but not running or hissing.  It seemed like a step toward peace...I hope.

It has been interesting watching them.

The meeting I was supposed to attend tomorrow has been postponed. The double overnight with grandchildren has been postponed. Looks like I have a weekend of housecleaning with few interruptions.  I will have an overnight with the littlest, though.

Hope all is well with you and yours.

Love and hugs from Clare

A good day

Clare,

I am not really worried about passing the CYS' "test", I was grateful that she came to the house so that the young men are able to come to share our Thanksgiving. She was very nice, and shared a lot of insights. We had a great conversation.

I have been asked to share a reading at an interfaith Thanksgiving service next Wednesday.
I was asked to bring something Quakerly about gratitude…
I am searching and not finding much specifically about gratitude.
Do you have any suggestions?
I will keep searching, but would appreciate you sharing any ideas you have.

I got to hang with my horse tonight. I was wheezing within half an hour, but he is so sweet I love just hanging with him. I haven't spent nearly enough time over there since I was diagnosed with cancer. I was afraid of hurting myself. If one of them pulled against my arms I would have been seriously hurt. But, I am stronger now. So I will try to get back over there more often.

I had a quiet day today. Only 3 clients today. Two weren't feeling great so we cut their sessions short by 15 minutes…so I spent a lot of time chatting with the staff and reading.
I came home and did wrk with son#1 and then finished a unit of my trauma course…
took all 5 quizzes and passed… on to module 2.
It was a good day.

What do you tell the children? As much as they can handle…appropriate truth(s).

I'm beat.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

the children...?

Hi Maggie,

I love your Christmas cards.  I look forward to seeing them every year.  I stopped sending cards a few years ago, because I just couldn't afford it any more.  I miss them.  I miss sending them, I miss getting lots in the mail.  But, that's life.

I am sure you passed the child services test.  I had to go through that when my daughter's friend sought refuge here with her two young sons.  I was fairly angry.  The women who visited to check me out sensed that, I think, and was apologetic and did a lot of explaining.

It shocked me that she asked if there was formula.  The mother showed her a can, and the social worker made her open it and prove there was powdered formula there.  I wondered why she had to do that. It just freaked me out a little. Then she needed to make sure we had good food in the house. The mama had brought hot dogs with her.  I do not consider hot dog to be food (I always told my kids there were substances we could eat, but they weren't really food.  A hot dog is number one on that list...followed closely by Jello!)  The social worker marked down that we had protein.

I really felt violated.  First, they had to approve me - after the mama and one of the boys had been beaten and came to me for sanctuary. Then the standards were so low. Paradoxical, I know. And a bit unreasonable.  But I think this invasion, this general assumption that we are liars that the government approaches us with, always insults me.

The ancestor idea is interesting.  The article said that when the people do their ceremonies, they have no idea which ancestor will appear - just remember there are lots.  So I was a bit surprised, but then not so much as I remembered Anna was in a dream I had within the last year.

I have been wiped out lately, and so I haven't done any more middle of the night work.

I talked to someone today about the attacks in France. He said the most difficult thing, besides the general feel of fear and anxiety, is - what do we tell our children?  How do you explain this in a way that makes sense?  In a way that keeps children from living in fear?

We talked about making sure that they know not all Muslims are to be feared.  We talked about why the people who did this must have a problem, they can't  think clearly. 

But then a friend wisely pointed out that even though the French are not used to having strangers attack strangers for no comprehensible reason, the people of the Mid-East are used to it.  They have had lifetimes of attacks simply for the people they are born to.

I am   grateful for social media. It is there that I see the truth - I see French, Muslim, British...all making great gestures of peace and reconciliation.  These strong people, I respect them. I am grateful for them.

Hope all is well with you this November evening...

Love and hugs from Clare

getting ready for holidays

Clare,

I like the idea of calling on ancestors. I wouldn't know where they fit in the lineage if I called. But, I'm glad that you have that information. It's a terrifying thought that parents would marry off a 14 year old girl to a 21 year old stranger. The idea makes my blood boil and my stomach nauseous. Why have children if you don't want to raise them. I understand it was a different time and a different mentality…but that mentality persists in too many people today. Mom once told me that Dad remarked that he had raised us better than his parents had raised him- less violently. I appreciate that, but it was still rough.

I have been vividly dreaming again. I should write the images down as I awaken, but I haven't. One image was of a woman dressed entirely in black clothes, head covered with a veil. She was down in child's pose- knees bent under her and then upper body prostrate over her knees- as if she was praying. I hope that we were praying together- Pray for Peace.

Today I met with child and youth services. I had to show them that my house is safe and clean in order for my young friend to come for Thanksgiving. We talked and I got a lot of insight from her. He, like many has re-written his history to forget the toughest parts. I really hope that I am effectively helping him. I have come to really, truly care about him and his well-being. I hope he knows that.

Thanksgiving is going to be small here, like usual. Husband is on call, so we'll eat in the evening to ensure he is home, the two boys and my oldest. My younger daughter has to work until about 7 and then will come home for dessert. On Friday morning I am taking them to a photography studio to have pictures done. 15 years ago I had black and whites done of each individual. So on Friday morning I'm recreating them. It will be a nice comparison.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

history

Hi Maggie,

So I read an article that talked about a tradition with an indigenous people somewhere.  They feel that after someone dies, they become clear and understand family dynamics. Ancestors are willing, and indeed want to work with us, for only the living can heal the family line.

Apparently there are ceremonies, etc. And the author said that we should not have any preconceived notion of who it is who wants to work with us.

So I sort of "prayed" last night, opening myself to whoever might want to work with me.  I stated that I am open to helping heal our family.

So I got the impression I was working with Anna, who came in a dream months ago. I can't even guess how long ago it was.  I may have attached her photo to this blog.

Anyway, she had me pulling black things out of everyone's lower back. They were smallish, fist sized or less, I guess. And they were attached, meaning we were all attached to each other - our cousins, our sibs, our aunts and uncles, our kids.  I took 'em all. I have no idea what it means or what it will do.

But I got lost in family research this afternoon.  It is not safe to let me do that. I dive in for hours, and forget to come back up.

The story, again, seems that two groups who were moving west stayed over night in the same place. Our great-great-great grandmother was 14, traveling with her family. She was supposed to be a talented singer.  Our great-great-great grandfather, 21, was traveling west with two brothers. They extended the stay for three days and got married.

I can't tell what happened next. Our ancestors went south instead of west. Was that to stay near her family?  Or did the parents just let their 14 year old go off with her new husband - and that was it?

She had 14 kids and lived to be 90 years old.

But she was married to a man of Dad's line. Was the sexual abuse part of us even then?  My gut says yes...

So what does she want me to know?  What was in the family then, that still haunts us all now?

And a little report...I called two dances at the contra last weekend. The first was a bit confused.  The other went really well. I think I can do this!

Love and hugs from Clare

sit with it

Hi Maggie,

I think you are on the right track.  I like titles that are self-explanatory. I think you are wide open to Spirit and Spirit is smiling on you.

What do we do with the pain? We sit with it. We acknowledge it. We stop lashing out and running from it.

We realize it is a gift.  We either have pain from the loss of something beloved, something we let become part of us. Or we have pain because someone violated us.  Violation is not a gift. But the pain that calls our attention to it - that is a gift.

I think of the loss of a dog.  I have met people who say they will never have a second dog because the loss of their beloved companion was too painful.  They want to avoid pain, even though it means (to me) living a smaller life.  I agree that losing each of my dogs was exquisitely painful.  But the joy they brought me outweighed the pain of their loss.  I welcome the pain, because each was worth mourning.  And then they each taught me one last lesson - there is joy after pain and loss.

Violation is harder to embrace. I have said this before, but when I went through Al-Anon, it was so hard to look at our family and what happened to me. I wondered if I could bear the pain. But I did and it opened my eyes.

What was most painful though, was accepting the pain that comes with shedding the victim's role.  I had to see and accept how I passed the pain down the line, how I hurt my children.

This is still the hardest pain to bear.  But I have to sit with it, and allow it to become less and less ugly.

You know, it suddenly came to me that violation is a loss - it is bearing the loss of safety and love, of being of value, of being worth protecting...

I met a man who was a Plowshares Activist - a Catholic Worker who was arrested on purpose, standing up to the government.  And he spent time in prison. In prison, he saw his ministry as seeing those who fall through the cracks.  He said that even there, there among those society prefers not to acknowledge, even there, some still fall through the cracks.  We don't want the bother, we don't want the pain.

I think we look away, because we don't want help, but I also think we look away because we know it could be us. One wrong turn of fortune, and we're homeless...

Still working at night and wondering what I am doing...but I'm doing it.

And still fighting this bug...feeling close to exhausted. So I'm off to sleep.

With love and hugs from Clare

Pray for Peace

Clare,

So what do we do with the pain?
This is where our choices really matter.
We can sit in it, burdened by the pain
We can fight back, retaliation to make us feel mightier.
We can work towards understanding- "Why do they hate us?"
I like that…
ask the tough questions…
share some of the responsibility…
maybe not personally, but culturally.
What is it about humans that forces us to create "us and them" stories to make sense of nonsense?
People are raising their voices to not open the US borders to Middle Eastern refugees…
particularly Syrians…
France is bombing Syria…
collateral damage means traumatized Syrians, left in their cities, are being retraumatized.
I heard an NPR reporter today say that it will take another refugee tragedy to swing hearts back to acceptance rather than vengeance. The dead, four-year-old boy's image has been displaced by the carnage of Paris.
Close the borders…
Keep foreigners out…
Protect at all costs.

Where is the humanity?
When do we look into the eyes of those in need?
We avoid it because we don't want to see our own vulnerability.
Brene Brown wrote a chapter on looking away from the homeless…
struggling with the discomfort…
and concluded it stemmed from her own discomfort of ever needing help.
Our rugged independence is going to be the death of this country.
We will die separately…
but maintain our independence throughout the journey…
a lonely, sad demise.

I had inspiration for a name for my new idea…
instead of healing hearts- because that is a passive process, come here and we'll heal you…
I like Integrate- Discovering wholeness.
It's active, engaged, making a statement of mission.
I spoke to two friends, my yoga teacher and a dancer friend…
I explained the concept and they loved it.
I bought them the book so we are all speaking the same language…
starting from a similar place.
I like the idea of a non-profit so that we can offer services to whoever asks. I'll have to start reading the funding notifications that come to my email more closely.

I wanted to share this song with you. You probably saw it when I shared it on social media, but here it is again. I love it. I may sing it for the Christmas program.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A29S6cn0nig

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

I feel the pain

Hi Love,

I am still sliding into tears unexpectedly.  I watched a video of Hollande saying they were going to be ruthless in going after whoever did this.

More tears.

I wrote an article once that opined that violence is never they way to peace.  It has never worked...ever.  The bank robbers that the cowboy heroes were trying to kill simply morphed into the mafia during Prohibition which morphed into all the current problems with the current Prohibition on marijuana...No one won. No one wins.  They players simply change.

(I found later that I had won a Puke Award from a group of conservatives.  I was very proud!)

I was reading a Bible story during First Day School years ago. We were reading about two warring people in the Mid-East. I remember I looked up at the kids and said incredulously, "We are still fighting the same war." Names are the only thing that change.

It is my problem with Star Wars and Harry Potter. The premise of each is that we have to fight back, that violence is the way to peace. Yet the only way violence can "create" peace is through suppression.  They seem to believe that only by complete control can we live in peace. That seems to be the point of ID chips and the NSA.  Suppression may be "peaceful"  but what is peace without joy?

I remember a friend who works with creating dialog between Christian and Muslim in Indonesia.  She was speaking in the US after 9/11. The people she spoke to, who asked her questions - they didn't want to know how to destroy the enemy. Rather, they asked, "Why do they hate us?"

I was also thinking about the video of the young Syrian boy who tore into my heart. (And I just realized AFSC never responded to me!) 

Pain...more pain.

I remember how soft and open we were after 9/11. My ex called to make sure we were all okay. My children gathered. Being with those we loved seemed important. We felt the pain, even though it didn't touch our family.

I feel the same softness today...the same opening.

It seems we can say,  "How dare you hurt us!?!"  And we can join with Hollande and be ruthless.  It is a first reaction. You hit me, I hit you back. 

Or we can sit with this pain...124 people are dead...it hurts, it is shocking...it leaves us bleeding.  Then we can look at the people of the Mid-East and say, "We get it. We feel the pain today that you feel so much more often.  We get it.  We feel it.  We will stop.  It is done."

But will we?

I think of people I know who are in pain. I think of myself and the pain I carry. I think about the havoc it has caused in my life.

I feel the pain.  I understand their pain. I want to be done causing pain.

I want the joy.  And I don't know if I have ever had more than glimmers.

This hurts...


Love and hugs, lots of hugs, from Clare

sadness

Clare,

Sadness.
Violence breeds fear and sadness.
Instability.
Blame.
Proud claims of responsibility…
Cowardly posted on social media.

Beautiful Paris…
Terror at the American band's concert…
and German soccer match…
Simultaneously thumbing their noses at 3 "enemies".
We shall overcome.

How do we take the love of the creator and twist it to justify killing innocents…
perhaps the governments aren't innocent…
but those dead were not responsible for drones or strategic bombings.

I still remember in 1990…
at my office…
watching live news feed of the US…
yes, us, bombing Iraq.
Civilian casualties…
unintended collateral damage.
The US is no better than the rest.

I have had a strong desire to move from this country.
It only respects individuals with money.
It does not serve its own people.
It marginalizes its poor and different.
It rains war whenever it pleases.
And yet, I do not know any country doing better.

I've heard discussions about George H. Bush's memoir…
it "exposes" the horrors of Dick Cheyney…
they all played a hand in the troubled Middle East…
but everyone needs a scapegoat to lay the garbage on.

I will be holding all of these beings in the Light.

Sadness.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

war...

All the news - right now - all the news is showing Paris and the multiple terrorist attacks. And I can't stop crying.

What is wrong with us?

Why is it okay to hurt and main innocent bystanders?

When did it become okay for war to reach into the streets, to the homes?

What is wrong with us?

C.

almost

Hi Maggie,

Thanks for the sympathy.  I'm still feeling achy and exhausted.  But tomorrow is Friday...I thought it was going to be Thursday.  So the end is nearer than I dared hope! Nephew is sick, also...It's going around and we caught it!!  The baby was still off, a little crankier than usual today.  Next week!

I'm so glad your young friend will be able to join your for Thanksgiving.  I'm even happier that he is excited about it.  I think this is a good development.

You asked if you know enough for the book and NPO. Of course not. But you know how to learn and you have enough faith to work with what you have right now, knowing way will open.

If your student had problems with insomnia she should have come to you immediately. If it mattered, she would have addressed the problem immediately.  I wonder if she wants to be there, what she wants to do. I remember I struggled a lot when I began attending college. But I think that was mostly because I didn't want to go yet. I had decided I wanted to take time and see what life offered, then decide what I wanted to study. Instead I got ganged up on at a family reunion - Grammy, especially, saying I would waste my life if I didn't go to school.

I always told my kids that I didn't care if they were garbage men or brain surgeons, as long as they woke up each morning happy for what the day held.  And I added that they should not go to school until they knew what they wanted.  Otherwise, it is a very, very expensive exploration,

I had a talk with someone today about volunteerism and passion and wanting to change the world.  I always thought that changing the world, idealism, hope, a new vision - that was youth.  But this person noted volunteers over 50.  It's like the 60s live on, but are rapidly aging!  We were wondering where the kids are.  Do they still have hope, or has the violence inherent in our institutionalized lives dampened it right out of them.

While talking, I realized I do still have hope. I still believe we can change the world. And in fact, I feel it changing.

Bedtime for poor, almost-sick me!

Love and hugs from Clare

Pondering

Clare,

I hope that you can bypass this illness. It's never fun getting sick and having responsibility.

I am almost at the end of the semester…
every time there are several students who ask for special consideration…
a pass when their grades and effort don't reflect any commitment to the work.
I had such an email last evening.
A student claiming chronic insomnia keeps her from attending my 9 am class…
and not submitting 3 assignments/exams out of 5.
I composed an email explaining that her choices have natural consequences…
her failure to wake up, come to class, and do work has natural consequences…
failure for the course.

I don't get it…
why enroll in college if you don't want to do work…
read, write, compose, research…
push yourself intellectually?
Why bother at all?
There are jobs to start out at.
There are trade schools that are more hands on.
Not everyone is meant to go to college…
but it's the next logical step from adolescence to adulthood.
But they are wasting time, money, and energy…
as well as natural talent, gifts, potential…

I invited my young man to Thanksgiving dinner…
the one I've offered to foster...
he said he has no where to go…
the father's family aren't offering to have them over...
he and his brother will stay at the group home…
so I invited them over.
He was so happy.
I have to work on clearances now to be able to bring him here.
I'm excited.

A book on healing…
a NPO Healing Hearts...
do I know enough?
It could be very interesting to explore.
I'm feeling scared, so it must be on the right track.

Off to our final football game of the season. I will miss watching my youngest play, but the running around will be less demanding…
I hope.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

a bit off tonight

And this, my dear Sister, may be your book, your NPO, your calling - Healing Hearts.  Write everything down. It will make it so much easier when you go to write the book, then the workbook!

I have "friends" in France who I have yet to meet.  I will go, someday...It's on that list.  Last night I did a lesson on couleurs.  I looked back through, and I am doing about two French lessons a week.  After a few years, it will accumulate.

Ah, your Reiki friend knows you are climbing into your heart.  You are beginning to trust.  Keep going.  I'll give you a boost anytime you want one!

The baby was sick today, so I had a lot of time alone. I have a lot to get done, but I also feel a little sick - tired, almost nauseous, almost a headache.  I've mostly been staying quiet and knitting.

My night time adventures have been revealing.  I'm not sure exactly what is happening, but it feels right. Last night, though, I mostly slept.

If I'm lucky, tonight will be the same.

I'll be back tomorrow, hopefully with a little more energy.

Love and hugs from Clare

ready for the next step.

Clare,

Tai chi would be a great outlet for you. I just finished the book, The Body Keeps the Score. What a fabulous book. I am collecting books to share with you, I think I'll put this one in the box. The antidote to trauma, particularly the "freeze" reaction is movement…
dance,
theater,
yoga,
tai chi,
martial arts…
movement reconnects the brain synapses disrupted by terror.
In fight or flight the body pro-actively moves to protect…
in freeze the body holds onto to the terror, helplessness, hopelessness…
movement is the antidote.

I really feel inspired to work on trauma programs now…
I had an idea called "Healing Hearts"…
group work incorporating movement, sharing, community working together to heal our hearts.
I've got to get through this course…
at least a little more of it to better plan.
I invision counseling, yoga, deep massage, reiki, and other modalities to treat trauma victims.
I even have friends who do all of those modalities…
so we can become colleagues.

I saw my reiki friend today…
she told me to expect to become intuitive in the near future.
She sees my third eye chakra expanding due to the work that I am doing…
and the others will expand as well to maintain balance.
I can't wait to see what this feels like.
I told her about the shift in my counseling since spring…
more listening and offering words that come from the still, small voice…
she predicted more of that and other experiences.
I'm excited.
I am ready for the next step.
I told her about my neck pain that resolved after I admitted to myself that I was worried about wasting my potential…
she told me that that should not be a concern…
"The universe has plans for you."

I will travel with you to France if you ever are able to go. I feel an affinity and draw to the southern region…
I went so far as to find an ancient farmhouse for rent, by the month, in the Provence area this past summer…
I have it bookmarked just in case the opportunity arises.

I hope that you find peace in your night time journeys…
experiences…
connections…
I'm not sure how to describe them.
I'm fascinated to hear about them though.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

tai chi, of course

Hi Maggie,

I dream of visiting Paris and Provence and Brittany...I want to see where our family came from in Normandy and Alsace.  I want to see the cave paintings and then the light display in Lyon in early December.  I think I'm a bit of a Francophile!

I have been working on French for three whole weeks.  I'm learning some vocab, but I can't say much of anything yet.  And I finally got my violin tuned tonight.  I scraped out a few songs I remember.  But I need to work on it!  Really!!

I had a sort of dream last night.  Sometimes I can't tell if I'm sleep-dreaming, or if I'm in that dreamy place between awake and asleep.  I have been not sleeping well and have been connecting with people I love and seeing something spiritual. Last night it sort of occurred to me that I was seeing their kundalini - and it is mostly not spiraling up, or spiraling at all.  I have been spiritually sitting with people, loving them.  It seems like a real prayer.

Then I met someone whose kundalini matched mine perfectly, someone who showed up on a motorcycle. That was amazing...a gift.

French, the violin, what else? Tai chi, I think.  Not sure how I'm going to learn this since no one here does it that I know of.  But if it is meant to be, way will open. And then, of course - calling dances...learning some singing calls.

Life has such potential.

It is getting darker earlier and earlier. I should be used to it by now, but it surprises me every year. I'm grateful that it is staying warm, because I am not ready to start keeping a fire burning overnight yet. But we are beginning to think about Thanksgiving.

It is definitely my favorite holiday.

I hope you and yours are calm and settled...

Love and hugs from Clare

Quickie

Clare,

I agree that we never have to stop learning…
I try to learn as much as possible…
as often as possible.
Natural curiosity is a gift…
one I'm grateful for.

My day was totally  hijacked today by my youngest…
early dismissal…
practice at the usual time…
I had to take him back about 1.5 hours after getting home…
then they asked him to play for the JV team tonight because they didn't have enough players…
nothing I had planned for my afternoon occurred…
but soon he will be grown and out the door to college…
and I'll appreciate days like this.

So French and the violin…
anything else?
Those are great ideas…
I should work on my French again…
just in case I get another opportunity to travel to France.
That would be incredible.

I am tired, cold, and in need of nourishment.
I'll check in with you tomorrow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

this-n-that

Hi Maggie,

S#3 could not come, and so it has been a quiet weekend here.  I spent the morning catching up on Quaker things - mostly responding to email for a regional committee.  I still have to complete some advertising for a contra dance we're hosting next weekend.  We could not find a caller, so a friend of mine who plays in the band, who is just learning to call, will lead the three or four dances that she knows.  Then we're going to get someone to teach the waltz and focus on that...and I am going to lead two or three dances with old fashioned singing calls.  I did this once, about ten years ago.  I feel nervous, but excited.

I met someone this week, and in telling our stories, she reminded me that I am eccentric, nonconforming and she reminded me that my life has been fun - on some levels.

Part of that came from this work that you and I are doing. It comes from my fretting about racing into 60, and my asking the question - What do I want to do?  Upon asking myself this question, my mind went blank.  Then answers started coming.  Surprising answers - if I said this before, well, old people are allowed to forget and repeat themselves interminably!  The first thing my brain said was that I want to learn French.  So I started about three weeks ago.  Then my brain listed playing the violin.  So I just picked up some rosin and a pitch pipe.  I am going to try to tune my violin this afternoon.

The exciting thing though, is that we never stop learning. Or maybe, we never have to stop learning. There's always something new or something dear we can go deeper into.

I had a friend, and she and her daughter had been mortal enemies in a previous lfe.  So their family life was very difficult. I really do think we take on some of these situations, lovingly expecting it to be OK.  Then we find out that the density here and the weight of abuse is much, much harder than we can possibly imagine from the other side.

When my kids were young, the girls always wanted to sit and talk. But the boys...The words, "We have to talk..."  and I saw the deer-in-the-headlights look.  They shut right down.  But if we worked side-by-side, both looking in the same direction - they talked.  Just like going for a ride with your son.  I liked seeing that it worked for you as well. 

I don't know, but it seems like in this time of such portentuous change, that we need to solve these old long-standing issues.  We are choosing to be born close to the people we need to come to peace with, we have to do it so we can let it go and be ready for the next layer...It was very honest and brave for your son to admit he wishes his brother was not there, but, now that those words are out there, it's time to find way to peace.  They chose to be brothers to work on this. I hope they can do it...

About the car dream. I didn't think in terms of first half/second half of my life.  I will consider this.  I guess that means my second half will not be powered by any obvious, visible or traditional power source!  I like that potential!

I wonder if it's possible to have a catharsis at Uncle B's funeral.  It seemed possible after B#2's suicide attempt, but that got shot down as soon as it got uncomfortable...or maybe, as soon as it stopped supporting our preferred memories.  I can't imagine anyone in our parent's generation speaking openly...maybe Aunt MJ...do you think she would talk about her memories?

Crazy thought...maybe write a play.  Write a play set at Uncle B's funeral.  Create the healing, freeing experience.

My gardens are overgrown and messy.  We did plant daffodils and garlic this week. I may not make much more progress.  Everything depends on my little companion.

Going to revel in my quiet day...

Love and hugs from Clare

whose memory is it?

Clare,
I'm sorry. I intended to sit down yesterday and then the day got ahead of me. I've been working every day in my gardens, preparing them for their winter rest. I love doing this chore. It gives me time to reflect on the past year. I harvest goodies from my garden through out the summer, but cutting down perennials and clearing/mulching leaves just makes me contemplative.

We will have our last football game this Thursday evening. My youngest will be lost without his time being structured around football. He has been mostly settled during this activity.

This past week has been very difficult for my older son. He is sensing the upcoming transition to college in January. He is not comfortable with change. He is uncomfortable with his friends at this point because they are content with no forward motion.
Last evening he lost it…
Cursing, screaming, crying…
lashing out to hurt his brother who was the easiest target…
finally I asked him to take a drive with me…
at 11:30 pm…
we drove in silence for a short time…
and then he unloaded his fears, negative expectations, worries, anxiety…
he let it all out and calmed with each sentence.
It was great to connect with him like that.
Today he is calmer…
more gathered…
he is back on track.

Whose memory is it?
What a great question…
Is it a leftover from previous lives?
Is it a DNA stamp from ancestors?
Is it a chimeric DNA stamp from our kids?
Is it cellular memory from preverbal life?
Fascinating…

My youngest has such a warrior's archetype…
his past lives showed a leadership role…
marrying a queen, I believe, and taking over a small country…
but ruling through fear and domination.

When he was in Arizona last year I wrote to him about the warrior archetype…
but how it can be an advocate or activist…
not simply a violent, aggressive sort of existence…
he seemed to buy in.
Ever since he could walk and talk he had night terrors…
always screaming and defending himself against an unseen foe…
it was heart wrenching to walk with him…
making sure he didn't injure himself in the "battle" of the dream.
I've always wondered what past life experience was reliving itself during those terrors.

My older son was the mortal enemy of my younger in a past life…
and they are still battling it out.
last evening my older son said that his life would have been better if the younger were not born…
that hurts to hear that as a mother.
but, I do wonder how his life would be different if the youngest was not here…
or how the others would be if each of them were not here…
it's an impossible question because those that are meant to be present are present.

I'm glad that our shared past lives have been supportive of each other…
not enemies.

The dream is interesting…
I've been told that car dreams signify change…
moving into a new direction.
Losing the first half of the car…
perhaps it's time to let go of the first half of life and those painful lessons that leave us isolated…
moving with courage into the next part of life.
What does the tree/stump symbolize…
that is an interesting question.
What do you think it will take to allow you to remove those memories/experiences that have set your previous course and move into a new one?
This is going to sound morbid…but I'll share it.
I have had fleeting thoughts of Dad's brother dying…
and at the funeral a catharsis opening a dialogue of the burden of abuse that this family carries…
in my mind it is a healing and freeing experience.

My body is exhausted…
a good tired.
I believe that S#3 is visiting with you this weekend. Give her my love.
Enjoy your time together…
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

whose memory

Good morning Maggie,

I just had a strange thought.  What if those incidences when people remember abuse that didn't happen - what if they are remembering what happened to their parent or grandparent...Can memory be shared via DNA?

I read an article about a woman who accused her dad of abuse, "remembering" something, but it didn't fit.

I had a dream that included my having an iPhone among my possessions.  I wasn't using it to make calls, just to check the internet, I think. I saw it sitting on a table, and was suddenly so upset.  "I don't want one of these!  I will not participate in child slavery!"  So I guess the issue is truly mine if I'm aware even when sleeping.

I was supposed to have a dinner here, but the guests are slowly dropping out.  Not sure what the message might be...Gonna be eating a lot of pumpkin this week!

Missing you!

Love and hugs from Clare

dream

Hi Maggie,

I had a dream last night that I don't understand and I don't want to forget.

I was driving a car, my son's car from when he was in school - an old beater car, a red Volvo station wagon.  There were a lot of people in the car, from all parts of my life. I said I shouldn't drive the car, but it was only down the hill and back.  We were going to the convenience store at the stop sign on my road.

So I'm going down hill, and I see a piece of wood in the middle of the road. It just appeared.  It was about 24 inches high, like a cross section of a tree, waiting to be chopped into sections for firewood.  It appeared, giving me no time to avoid it. I was hoping it would fit under the car, but instead we hit it. There was quite a violent, loud collision.  Everyone was jarred around, but no one was hurt at all.  The car was running perfectly.  I stopped the car to see if there was any damage, and the whole front end was missing - up to the windshield.  I could not find it anywhere.  I even looked over the edge of the road, into the ditch.

I woke up, trying to figure out where the front of the car went, and why the car was still running perfectly.

According to on-line dream dictionaries, a car symbolizes my ambition, my drive, my ability to navigate from one stage of life to another.  Driving means I am taking an active role.

Obviously, I am able to move forward, safely, without a typical engine...

Any insight?

Hope all is well with you...

Love and hugs from Clare

always rethinking, reinterpreting

Hi Maggie,

I've been thinking about our last few posts a lot.  I was working outside today when I suddenly stopped to think about Mom's words again..."If we had put our minds to it..."  I wondered if she ever took the next step and tried to understand what kept them from putting their minds to it.

I mean, for a family of kids born in the 30's, they were remarkably well educated.  They all had extensive music lessons.  With six kids, there were three registered nurses, two engineers - one with a master's, the other with a doctorate.  Even Aunt S. had formal business school training.  Grammy also had her R.N.  I don't know if Grampa was educated or not.   But he knew a lot of poetry and he knew music.

They were given advantages that seem unusual for kids of the depression- who came from a poor family.  And they all had families and careers, but no one changed the world...

I had another lake moment.  Nephew and I were driving past the lake at sunset.  The surface was silver in the dusk.  I got the impression of a lithe, beautiful woman on her back, stretched out along the Earth. I stated that her position was too vulnerable for me.  It was too easy to be raped in that position.

The lake responded and said we, women, must be strong.  But we must also live in strong community with men who would not rape...Men who don't see women as commodities, I suppose.

I love that admitting your fears released your pain.  I think you are onto something.  I used it on my older neighbor this evening.  She called and said her neck had been hurting.  She blamed her acupuncturist - a man who has made some remarkable progress with some of her issues.  She really can't afford to see him now, so she was carrying on about him just wanting money.  I finally told her her the negative things she says about people bother me. I told her his job was to release stored pain.  She stopped mid-treatment.  Then I told her about your neck and asked her to consider what pain she might have stored there.

Then she went off on her sister, who got her and her brother in trouble - her parents were very violent disciplinarians.  So we talked about who hurt them, and about how her sister might have really felt.

It was a good session!

Night times are getting interesting.  I'm sort of perceiving a spiritual portrait of people and seeing connections. I can't even describe it, but it is powerful.

And it is bedtime for me...

Love and hugs from Clare

movement is the secret

Clare,

I have to tell you that just admitting that I fear insignificance has relieved neck pain I've had for several weeks. It's so strange how our bodies hold stress.

Thanks for the reflection to readjust my thoughts.

I will continue to struggle with this, on and off for my life…
I'm not sure I'll ever be satisfied with what I do…
I push myself really hard.
But, hearing that each little interaction makes a difference helps.

I think vanity is my weakness…
or one of my weaknesses...
worrying about how I look to the outside world is strong in me…
mentally…
physically…
professionally…
interpersonally.
It's hard to be authentic when you're playing the role you expect the other person to want to find in you.
I thought I was beyond this…
maybe I am.
Maybe I am more concerned with my personal significance and sense of accomplishment than others' approval.
I'll have to think about that longer and deeper.

I'm learning so much from this trauma course…
mainly that the only way to heal trauma is through a physical means…
yoga, meditation, EMDR, neurofeedback, dance…
it's all about allowing the body to move…
most long standing trauma begins with the inability to fight or flee…
it is in the freeze and/or dissociate.
So the key to allowing it to be a past experience is found in movement.
It's why we're walking through the swamp.
I've got to explore this concept in my practice.
I want to be trained in all modalities and then pick and choose the best modality as people come for help.
I want to do a lot of things in this lifetime…

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

gooey

Hi Maggie,

Could they have changed the world?  Mom and her siblings were bright and well educated, but they were also very mainstream.  You can't change the world by just doing more of the same old, same old.  You just make it more what it is...Maybe she was consoling herself for not living up to her potential, or for living her dreams, for not having courage...although the worst part might be that she taught us to be retiring, unsure.

And what is an IQ? It is a sign of being a good test taker.  There are so many gifts that are ignored...

I just want to bring this into perspective.

We read stories about people who solved great mysteries - like the structure of DNA, then someone else swooped in and got all the credit. Do you want to be the person who made the discovery?  Or are you more interested in public recognition?  Just asking...those always fun rhetorical questions.

You change everyone you touch, everyone you listen to.  It is important, and you are making a difference.  I often think about trying to turn an ocean liner around in a small bay.  There's a lot of back and forth with minute change each time - but always in the proper direction. No one is going to change the world.  We're all going to do it together!

We've talked about some of the themes of this blog becoming a book...and you have been doing so much with identifying the ways our physical selves maintain trauma....people need to know this.

I like these questions and thoughts combined with your admission of being scattered.  It always seems that in chaos, all things are possible. You are there now - anything is possible for you. It is uncomfortable, but it is so cool!

The young mother who is creeped out by breastfeeding did have two sons. But she is equally grossed out by my granddaughter, who still nurses.

I was awake in the middle of the night last night, but I got a message.  I am supposed to be using this time to hold the people I love best in the Light.  I am supposed to be loving them on a spiritual level, as a way of supporting them and reminding them that they are so very loveable. Last night was pretty powerful.  I'm kind of looking forward to not sleeping tonight!!  It sucks when the alarm goes off at 5:00 am, though.

I remember about 10 years ago, maybe, I went three nights without sleep, and had a major breakthrough in understanding healing.

Maybe this is a gift.

I know something is going on, because everything is making me cry.  I feel soft and gooey and vulnerable and wide open. Tonight Nephew and I went to look for the Northern Lights, which we did not see, although we each saw two meteors from the Taurids Shower.  As I was standing in the silence, in the dark, looking at the stars, I suddenly felt the Earth sliding.  I could feel the rotation of the planet. It was a profoundly gifty little moment!

So that is life here...

Hope you find your direction from all the possibilities presenting themselves now. I hope you chose the opportunities that bring you joy.

Love and hugs from Clare

search for significance

Clare,

I've had an insight that makes me uncomfortable…
I'm afraid of becoming Mom.

That sounds really disrespectful…
and I want to delete it, but it's true.

I think our mother's life is one of untapped potential. Once she said to me, " If my siblings and I had put our mind to it we could have changed the world." We were discussing their high IQs at the time.
I know her IQ is higher than mine…
and yet what did she stand for?
She left no clear mark on the world.
She is a good and decent human.
I love her for being my mother.
But, she did not use her natural gifts in a significant way.
I've come to realize that that is really important to me.
I am struggling because my professional life is not leading me into a position to make a difference on a large scale.
I help people every day…
counseling is a wonderful gift to offer to another being…
I am grateful for the opportunity.
I want to find an avenue for more.
Teaching is important…
touching students' lives, helping to guide them into adulthood…
but it leaves me feeling like there should be more.

I don't know what I want in this life.
I read a book many years ago, a pamphlet really, entitled From Success to Significance.
That helped me leave Medicine and all that is associated with that profession.
But, how do I achieve or create significance?
Where does that come from?
I've been trying to patiently await opportunity…
bloom where I am planted, so to speak…
but I'm getting older…
I don't have that much time left professionally to find significance…
I'm looking at my mother's path…
squandered potential…
and it doesn't sit well with me.

I've got to sit with this longer.
Husband says, "write a book".
What would I choose to write about?
What do I know well enough?

Thanks for listening…
Love and Light,
Maggie

scattered

Clare,
I'm sorry…
I'm scattered.
I had it all together until I did that breast cancer talk and I've been scattered ever since.
Tonight I went to a RE Meeting…
I resigned from the committee and teaching.
It felt good to admit it is incredibly stressful to continue to teach.
I know people were upset with me…
not enough teachers and one is dropping out…
but I am overwhelmed and feel unheard, unappreciated, and burnt out.
I hope I'm not overcome by guilt tomorrow.

The breastfeeding/sexual abuse thing is just creepy…
Is the baby a male?
Does that make it abusive?
Would it be different if it was a daughter?
I cannot wrap my head around that comment or notion.

I have been asked to teach a physiology course in the spring…
I've never taught that course before.
I'm teaching a familiar course already…
do I have it in me to teach a brand new course?
I've also been invited to serve on an advisory committee for the school that I earned my Master's from…
do I have the energy to so that work?
Where do we draw the line…
opportunity…
or burden?
I'm not good with "no"…

Lots to think about.
I'm sorry I'm so scattered these days.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

checking in

Hey Maggie,

I hope everything is okay with you.

I'm confused.  With no meat or cheese in my diet, I lost five pounds last week.  And I was feeling different.  But I was also exhausted.  And I'm still not sleeping.

I just ordered some vitamins - with B12 and D in the combination, to see if it makes a difference.

Tonight Nephew brought home some seafood from the restaurant.  I had some, and suddenly felt a lot more energy.

Can you  understand why?  Am I not getting enough protein?  Is there some major nutrient I am missing?

I couldn't sleep last night.  I am curious if that will happen again tonight.

I really don't know how to balance myself...

I just splurged and bought a book...of dance calls. I think I am going to perform a few singing calls at an upcoming contra dance. I hope the book arrives quickly!

Love and hugs from Clare

findable

Hi Maggie,

Happy All Saint's or Day of the Dead, or just Happy November!  How was Halloween at your house?  We went to Hogwarts. We went to a celebration of all things Potter.  It was a big theatrical recreation and there were times when it felt real.  I love going to theater. I always suspend and enter and believe...

I read an article which is profound. So I wanted to share it with you.

http://www.ultrakulture.com/2015/10/15/dadirri-australian-aboriginal-spiritual-practice-of-deep-listening-for-trauma-release-healing/

I have often said that listening is the greatest gift we can give to anyone else. But I loved this description of why. And I really appreciated the way listening to Nature is all partof the same process.

My youngest was friends with another young mama for years.  I have mentioned her - she stayed with us after being beaten by a boyfriend.  They recently had a falling out, and now they don't really talk to each other any more.  We ran into her and her mom yesterday, and everyone was friendly, polite, but it's not the same.

The root of their problem is cultural...but the friend is really opposed to breastfeeding, especially as babies get older, because to her it is sexual abuse.

I suppose she thinks that because breasts are an important part of sexual play between adults, that it is the same between a child and adult. I also wonder about her experiences as a child - was she sexually abused, making her hyper-aware?

I want to ask her to imagine how she would feel if her boyfriend simply nursed.  No kissing, no laughing, no equality, no other part of the body involved.  It would not be a very sexual experience.

I want her to think about the different ways a man smells, or a lover smells, and the way a baby smells. Both are irresistable - but in completely different ways...

I was thinking about this in the shower....I noticed that if I don't go to the lake, the water still finds me. I was thinking about bottle feeding, about giving our babies the milk of a cow, milk that is supposed to grow a baby about 800 pound in the first year...and I recalled reading my "formula" which Mom jotted in my baby book...it was watered down cow's milk with brown sugar added.

And I was suddenly furious.  How could anyone feed this to a baby?

After reading the article above, about early pain from separation and I thought abour bottle feeding, separation from mother's body, and I thought about the 1950s and 1960s philosophy of letting babies cry it out, don't let them manipulate and control you...and it seems like a source of all that is wrong with our world.

Maybe that is why I instinctively stayed away from institutions which are all about separation....yet, I screwed up.

Feeling lost, but findable!!

Love and hugs from Clare

Final thoughts about the young mamas - they need to get past judgement. A good mama is one that is attentive and responsive to her children, who would die defending them.  Fighting and judging and separating based on how we feed our kids only makes life smaller and more disconnected. Why not support each other, as long as no one is getting hurt??