Maggie,
I was the queen of drama. When I was actively married, and he was late, I was sure there was a bloody accident somewhere. I created my drama internally by imagining the worst that could happen.
If I was late, he would come looking for me. But when he was late, I had to trust him, and just know he was okay.
I think I'm a lot less dramatic now, a lot more serene and at peace with myself and my world.
I am here alone, I have time to get things done. I have the house ripped apart as I clean and reorganize, but I can't seem to light a fire under my butt! I am trying to honor myself, and be okay with just sitting or moving slowly. But inside my head, again, I am berating myself - just a bit. I am frustrating myself.
Maybe this is the serene version of drama!
I have also turned my back on opportunities I really wanted to take. That has allowed me to wallow in regret and luxuriate in a nice long-term drama replay, followed by a serious round of "what if...??"
I helped my youngest write a resume today. Then we sent it to S#3 and she professionalized it up. My child is tired of the management where she works. They keep losing staff, and not hiring replacements. Then, those who are loyal to the company get to work nine days straight, and struggle with child care through erratic shift changes until they are burned out.
So she's off to find a new adventure.
I wish I had something profound to add, but that's not where I am at. Instead, I am making lists of everything I need to do, and then doing a bit in slow motion...
Maybe I'll be profound tomorrow...
Love and hugs from Clare
Monday, August 31, 2015
open hand
Clare,
I think I've created more than one of my own crises in the past. I think I've been responsive to environmental or social cues, and ended up creating a drama that demanded a decision.
I think that the universe, or divine, offers opportunities to grow…
but as we grip onto status quo, we fail to reach out to the opening opportunity.
We are afraid to open our hands to grab hold of the new…
but we will never move, grow or evolve if we stagnantly cling to our habits.
Tomorrow is the first day of school for my youngest son. He starts his junior year and is so optimistic.
He has his first football game Friday evening…
that should be an experience.
My older son beans today…
he has to log onto the school's website at least once per day.
He is only taking one class, so procrastination may be his biggest enemy.
I really hope that he will create a schedule for himself that incorporates the school work daily…
last year he did one subject each day…
but that's only one day per week…
it's easy to overlook important stuff if you're only attending to it once per week.
I really need to type this in the morning when my thoughts are flowing…
by mid-afternoon I'm too tired to think.
I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I think I've created more than one of my own crises in the past. I think I've been responsive to environmental or social cues, and ended up creating a drama that demanded a decision.
I think that the universe, or divine, offers opportunities to grow…
but as we grip onto status quo, we fail to reach out to the opening opportunity.
We are afraid to open our hands to grab hold of the new…
but we will never move, grow or evolve if we stagnantly cling to our habits.
Tomorrow is the first day of school for my youngest son. He starts his junior year and is so optimistic.
He has his first football game Friday evening…
that should be an experience.
My older son beans today…
he has to log onto the school's website at least once per day.
He is only taking one class, so procrastination may be his biggest enemy.
I really hope that he will create a schedule for himself that incorporates the school work daily…
last year he did one subject each day…
but that's only one day per week…
it's easy to overlook important stuff if you're only attending to it once per week.
I really need to type this in the morning when my thoughts are flowing…
by mid-afternoon I'm too tired to think.
I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sunday, August 30, 2015
drama...crisis...drama
Hi Sister,
It is both amazing and heartbreaking when a mama gets a child launched. I have often joked that parenthood is the only profession where, if you do a good job - in the end, you don't have a job. They don't need you any more.
In truth, it seems they will always need us, but it changes. We move out of the central part of their lives.
I have been ripping my house apart, in order to put it back together. I think I'm getting ready for winter. I have been taking all the books off the shelves and wiping everyhting down. I really should be winnowing out some of them, but I don't have a way to get them to the library for the annual sale. So, they are going back - on different shelves.
I think it all started when my youngest asked if she could have the small dresser in which all my knitting supplies and excess of yarn reside. She needs something compact for the baby's clothes. So, I started reorganizing.
When I do this, spring clean, and maybe this is an autumn clean, or a prewinter clean, it feels like I am making space for something new.
I like that feeling.
I did a spiritual check-in before a Friend's committee meeting, and told the story of the dread-locked angel. Since then, I realized, I have been spiritually curious, waiting. I guess it's that Friendly silent expectation!
Before winter, I have to get cleaned out/cleaned up, I have to buy and stack at least two cords of firewood, and at this time of year, I make and can foods. I love the process. The baby and I picked crab apples yesterday, and made a juice, which is currently straining. I will make jelly in the next few days. I love the look of crab apple jelly. It is golden pink. And the flavor is usually delicate. But mostly, it reminds me of my mother-in-law's mother, Nana. I loved Nana so much, and still miss her sometimes. Crab apple jelly and potato soup were among her favorites.
I notice that as I get older, as I move through the year, I am reminded of certain people who are gone. Lilacs mean Grammy. I think the feverfew I have is a piece that survived from Grandma's rock garden outside her back door up on the hill.
I wonder what people will remember of me.
I really appreciated your thoughts about crisis. It does take a crisis to push us onto a healing path - no matter what level - physical, spiritual, emotional, psychic. Some very healthy people seem to know how to evolve, to maintain awareness everyday. But mostly we need a crisis.
I find myself rethinking drama. People raised in chaos often create drama when life is quiet. I think calm and loving and safe feel very unsafe, and so drama destroys all that and takes us to a safe, known place. I definitely understand the dynamic. But after reading your insights on crisis, I wonder if sometimes people create a drama in order to simulate crisis, hoping for that moment of evolution...
Nephew has gone home for a few days. It will be quiet up on the hill - although, honestly it usually is since he tends to be very quiet. It'll be just me and the critters...
Love and hugs from Clare
It is both amazing and heartbreaking when a mama gets a child launched. I have often joked that parenthood is the only profession where, if you do a good job - in the end, you don't have a job. They don't need you any more.
In truth, it seems they will always need us, but it changes. We move out of the central part of their lives.
I have been ripping my house apart, in order to put it back together. I think I'm getting ready for winter. I have been taking all the books off the shelves and wiping everyhting down. I really should be winnowing out some of them, but I don't have a way to get them to the library for the annual sale. So, they are going back - on different shelves.
I think it all started when my youngest asked if she could have the small dresser in which all my knitting supplies and excess of yarn reside. She needs something compact for the baby's clothes. So, I started reorganizing.
When I do this, spring clean, and maybe this is an autumn clean, or a prewinter clean, it feels like I am making space for something new.
I like that feeling.
I did a spiritual check-in before a Friend's committee meeting, and told the story of the dread-locked angel. Since then, I realized, I have been spiritually curious, waiting. I guess it's that Friendly silent expectation!
Before winter, I have to get cleaned out/cleaned up, I have to buy and stack at least two cords of firewood, and at this time of year, I make and can foods. I love the process. The baby and I picked crab apples yesterday, and made a juice, which is currently straining. I will make jelly in the next few days. I love the look of crab apple jelly. It is golden pink. And the flavor is usually delicate. But mostly, it reminds me of my mother-in-law's mother, Nana. I loved Nana so much, and still miss her sometimes. Crab apple jelly and potato soup were among her favorites.
I notice that as I get older, as I move through the year, I am reminded of certain people who are gone. Lilacs mean Grammy. I think the feverfew I have is a piece that survived from Grandma's rock garden outside her back door up on the hill.
I wonder what people will remember of me.
I really appreciated your thoughts about crisis. It does take a crisis to push us onto a healing path - no matter what level - physical, spiritual, emotional, psychic. Some very healthy people seem to know how to evolve, to maintain awareness everyday. But mostly we need a crisis.
I find myself rethinking drama. People raised in chaos often create drama when life is quiet. I think calm and loving and safe feel very unsafe, and so drama destroys all that and takes us to a safe, known place. I definitely understand the dynamic. But after reading your insights on crisis, I wonder if sometimes people create a drama in order to simulate crisis, hoping for that moment of evolution...
Nephew has gone home for a few days. It will be quiet up on the hill - although, honestly it usually is since he tends to be very quiet. It'll be just me and the critters...
Love and hugs from Clare
Saturday, August 29, 2015
It takes a crisis...
Clare,
I like your reminiscing…
it's thoughtful and genuine.
I had the privilege of two days (a day and a half really) with my oldest…
we traveled to Long Island and set up her new apartment…
walked and talked…
went to her university orientation…
and came home.
It is bittersweet.
She is really moving into a new chapter of her life.
She will be less able to get home…
she will probably have 2 jobs and her classes…
she will also be visiting her boyfriend in Philadelphia on weekends…
so I'll have to prepare myself to not see much of her.
She's matured into such a beautiful and confident woman…
I am amazed at her fortitude and courage.
I'm blessed that she is my daughter.
Daughter#2 got a job last week…
she has been stressing over getting a job to supplement her apprenticeship…
and she was hired last Friday as a hostess at an upscale restaurant near her new home.
I hope to see her more often than the older daughter…
but, no certainty in that either.
She is constantly doing something…
and now she'll have ties to 2 theaters…
so even more.
I do think that disease is a symptom of spiritual pain or lack of integration.
Every week I tell at least one person that their addiction (or a loved ones' addiction) is a symptom of something deeper…
the addiction will most likely fade once the deeper work is accomplished.
Integration quiets the urges.
The challenge lies in their opening to do the deeper work…
that takes real courage and perseverance.
Most of us are frightened and habitual…
not motivated to take on the hero's journey.
I often use the Wizard of Oz as an example…
most of us need a tornado to push us onto the hero's journey path…
Not many wake up one morning and decide to take that one on.
Most of us just want status quo…
which is a lie…
change happens with every breath…
we just believe it's the same…
until something momentous occurs.
It takes a crisis to move us.
In one of my presentations I talk about "crisis"…
the greek origin of crisis means "to sift"…
crises are opportunities for us to sift through our stuff…
choices, belongings, relationships, values, priorities…
and let go of what is not serving us and our goals.
So with each crisis comes opportunity.
Love and Light for now beautiful sister,
Maggie
I like your reminiscing…
it's thoughtful and genuine.
I had the privilege of two days (a day and a half really) with my oldest…
we traveled to Long Island and set up her new apartment…
walked and talked…
went to her university orientation…
and came home.
It is bittersweet.
She is really moving into a new chapter of her life.
She will be less able to get home…
she will probably have 2 jobs and her classes…
she will also be visiting her boyfriend in Philadelphia on weekends…
so I'll have to prepare myself to not see much of her.
She's matured into such a beautiful and confident woman…
I am amazed at her fortitude and courage.
I'm blessed that she is my daughter.
Daughter#2 got a job last week…
she has been stressing over getting a job to supplement her apprenticeship…
and she was hired last Friday as a hostess at an upscale restaurant near her new home.
I hope to see her more often than the older daughter…
but, no certainty in that either.
She is constantly doing something…
and now she'll have ties to 2 theaters…
so even more.
I do think that disease is a symptom of spiritual pain or lack of integration.
Every week I tell at least one person that their addiction (or a loved ones' addiction) is a symptom of something deeper…
the addiction will most likely fade once the deeper work is accomplished.
Integration quiets the urges.
The challenge lies in their opening to do the deeper work…
that takes real courage and perseverance.
Most of us are frightened and habitual…
not motivated to take on the hero's journey.
I often use the Wizard of Oz as an example…
most of us need a tornado to push us onto the hero's journey path…
Not many wake up one morning and decide to take that one on.
Most of us just want status quo…
which is a lie…
change happens with every breath…
we just believe it's the same…
until something momentous occurs.
It takes a crisis to move us.
In one of my presentations I talk about "crisis"…
the greek origin of crisis means "to sift"…
crises are opportunities for us to sift through our stuff…
choices, belongings, relationships, values, priorities…
and let go of what is not serving us and our goals.
So with each crisis comes opportunity.
Love and Light for now beautiful sister,
Maggie
Thursday, August 27, 2015
last reminiscence, I think
Hi Maggie,
How was today? I didn't mean that you were creating drama when you talked to Mom about your evolving spiritual beliefs. I just would not have said anything, and in my mind, I would justify my silence by telling myself I am just avoiding drama. I generally don't espouse my beliefs if it's not going to create a meaningful dialog with someone - a dialog that has the potential to change one or both of us.
I found some notes I wrote on the bus, on the way home. I think this will be the last of my trip reflections.
I couldn't sleep the last night I was there. That was mostly because I was afraid I would miss the 4:15 am alarm, and miss my bus. But I was also mourning leaving, and wishing I could have them here. I was thinking about how much I love their mountains...but they're not home for me. I was feeling how much I love my son and his wife and their kids and how much I wish I could be part of their everyday life all year long. But then I am not near the kids here...torn, I am torn.
I was thinking about the things that stifle our lives, the beliefs we have that keep us stuck. I started considering my body as a tool inside of, and to be used by, my spirit. I started pulling out the thorns and jagged pieces that are stuck in my body...more being stuck, I see...I was wondering how we open ourselves to a long and healthy life, so we could leave the planet when we wanted to rather than when the tool was damaged beyond repair by disease or poison.
I started wondering if disease is a spiritual symptom. Is a symptom of damage to self? Of damage to the Earth?
The other topic I got lost in was timelessness. While on the bus, while there, I lost sense of time. But it was even more profound when we were in the forest. Those three days felt like more. My son said that is one of his favorite parts about camping...
And lastly, of what I remember of that night...I was thinking about the 12 chakras, starting with feet. I tried to figure out what they mean.
so...
1. I am here - I am physical, Earthly
2. I can move, be flexible
3. I am integrated...maybe Earthly/Spiritual...I had the hardest time with this one...maybe this is where my current biggest problem lies.
4. I belong to a community
5. I have free will, physically
6. I am loved/loving/loveable
7. I speak/I communicate
8. I understand/I philosophize/I think/I reason
9. I am open to Spirit/I am here, spiritually
10. I can move, spritually
11. I have spiritual free will
12. I am love
Not sure, now as I rewrite...we'll see...
Love and hugs from Clare
How was today? I didn't mean that you were creating drama when you talked to Mom about your evolving spiritual beliefs. I just would not have said anything, and in my mind, I would justify my silence by telling myself I am just avoiding drama. I generally don't espouse my beliefs if it's not going to create a meaningful dialog with someone - a dialog that has the potential to change one or both of us.
I found some notes I wrote on the bus, on the way home. I think this will be the last of my trip reflections.
I couldn't sleep the last night I was there. That was mostly because I was afraid I would miss the 4:15 am alarm, and miss my bus. But I was also mourning leaving, and wishing I could have them here. I was thinking about how much I love their mountains...but they're not home for me. I was feeling how much I love my son and his wife and their kids and how much I wish I could be part of their everyday life all year long. But then I am not near the kids here...torn, I am torn.
I was thinking about the things that stifle our lives, the beliefs we have that keep us stuck. I started considering my body as a tool inside of, and to be used by, my spirit. I started pulling out the thorns and jagged pieces that are stuck in my body...more being stuck, I see...I was wondering how we open ourselves to a long and healthy life, so we could leave the planet when we wanted to rather than when the tool was damaged beyond repair by disease or poison.
I started wondering if disease is a spiritual symptom. Is a symptom of damage to self? Of damage to the Earth?
The other topic I got lost in was timelessness. While on the bus, while there, I lost sense of time. But it was even more profound when we were in the forest. Those three days felt like more. My son said that is one of his favorite parts about camping...
And lastly, of what I remember of that night...I was thinking about the 12 chakras, starting with feet. I tried to figure out what they mean.
so...
1. I am here - I am physical, Earthly
2. I can move, be flexible
3. I am integrated...maybe Earthly/Spiritual...I had the hardest time with this one...maybe this is where my current biggest problem lies.
4. I belong to a community
5. I have free will, physically
6. I am loved/loving/loveable
7. I speak/I communicate
8. I understand/I philosophize/I think/I reason
9. I am open to Spirit/I am here, spiritually
10. I can move, spritually
11. I have spiritual free will
12. I am love
Not sure, now as I rewrite...we'll see...
Love and hugs from Clare
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
I am Love...
Clare,
I accept the light of forgiveness
into the deepest regions of my being
I relinquish my pain to the light of awareness
I surrender to the greater wisdom that lives within us all
I am love
may all beings be blessed
may all beings be happy
may all beings be peaceful
may all beings be safe
may all beings awaken to the light of Our true nature
may all beings be free
may all beings walk in the beauty of Our own heart song
may all beings enter purified into the light of the I Am
may all beings be anointed by the One Love that we are
may all beings be embraced
by the Heartbeat of Everything
May it be so
Thank you for the poem…
beautiful…
real…
authentic…
thanks.
Your camping and hiking sound amazing. I'd love to find meadows like those. There is nothing like walking over a ridge or around a bend in the road and being awe-struck by the natural beauty. I'm glad that you had those experiences.
I'm trying to settle into a new, school-day routine. It is always a difficult transition to get back into the early alarms and schedules. Waking my youngest is a challenge. He takes at least three wake up requests…and we leave in a last minute rush every day. He's been going to football practice this past two weeks so hopefully he will be ready to school wake up.
I don't think I was l;poking for drama when I spoke about not being a christian. I think I was being honest. I want people to really see me and know me…
not that I'm blurting out every detail to everyone I meet…
but in the correct setting I believe I can speak my T/truths.
I believe that is the beauty of Truth.
Even if people disagree with it, I still feel comfortable speaking it.
There's not much going on here. I am content to say that things are stable. Daughter #1 has a job interview in NY tomorrow. I am joining her on Thursday evening for an orientation at the university on Friday. We'll have an evening together, setting up her apartment. I am looking forward to that, a lot. She's been home since June, so we've have time together, but somehow this feels like a BIG move away. I'm going to enjoy this last exclusive time with her.
Sorry I wasn't here last night, I got really ill at work- headache and nausea…
much better today…
very strange and short-lived.
Maybe it was the salad bar ingredients?
Anyway, I will check back tomorrow.
Love and Light beautify sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
outside
Hi Maggie,
Still trying to process and share my trip.
I thought a lot about Grandma when I was there. I remembered the way she always stood aside and watched. She never really participated in anything. She listened a lot. I remembered that she never drove, and I suddenly wondered if Pop did all the grocery shopping. Did she even go to the grocery store? Did she go anywhere except church?
A few times when I felt like an observer in life rather than a participant - I thought of Grandma, and I tried to enter, to be part of what was going on.
I wonder if she is with me, prodding me gently...
I also thought a lot about my fear of heights. I wonder if I should treasure it and step back and admit I am afraid of falling. Or if I should embrace it and go to the places that take my breath away and make me feel nauseous...which is sort of how flirting makes me feel...
While we were camping, we hiked way up to what was called a blue pool.When we got to the top, there was water at the bottom of a crater that might have been 50 or 75 feet deep. I stepped way back from the side and declared I was not going down. We didn't because it would have been dangerous with kids. And because the dog started to slide and had to be carried out on my son's shoulders. The dog probably weighs about 90 pounds. My daughter-in-law broke the dog's fall, but couldn't get him out. So my son disappeared over the side and climbed back outwith the dog on his shoulders. The dog is about 14, and they said this was probably going to be his last long hike.
That dog has hiked all over the country...
The next day we went to an area covered with volcanic rock. Again, we were high. But I was looking across black lava fields at towering mountains with glaciers. It felt primal. Everyone else decided to climb a tower. I decided to stand down on the rock. The wind was blowing. I heard voices on the wind. They had to go fast because no one is listening.
My daughter-in-law came down from the tower and convinced me to climb to the room inside of the tower. There was a path that wrapped around the tower. I did not go stand on top. But the inside was amazing. And I walked up it. I did it. And more importantly, I walked down! I embraced my fear.
We looked for a place to have a picnic, and stopped at a small lake in a mountaintop meadow. There was one blue heron, just standing guard.
It felt like a wedding place. I had the feeling I could live there. I don't especially like going up and down the mountain, but staying on top, in this gorgeous meadow would be lovely. I felt like I was in a different time, pioneering in the meadow.
While I was there, I read most of the National Geographic magazines from the past year. I read an article about the first North Americans who came across the Bering Land Bridge and began working their way down the west coast. As we drove through those mountains, and hiked in them, I could almost feel those first people. I suddenly felt what it might be like to only have tools and know-how, to survive, to be part of the land.
But when I hit the meadow and felt at home, I realized I'm an agriculturist, not a hunter-gatherer.
Back at the campsite, I noticed that the soil was dusty, giving, soft, but unyielding. It reminded me of an older woman, a Friend, who by being authentic, taught me to say no in a loving way. Everything was so female.
I stood and listened to a gentler wind, now that we were down off the pass. I heard, "We're here." I had a brief, furious, overwhelming feeling of love...it's okay. No words...then it was gone.
It's magic everywhere, as long as we are outside.
Love and hugs from Clare
Still trying to process and share my trip.
I thought a lot about Grandma when I was there. I remembered the way she always stood aside and watched. She never really participated in anything. She listened a lot. I remembered that she never drove, and I suddenly wondered if Pop did all the grocery shopping. Did she even go to the grocery store? Did she go anywhere except church?
A few times when I felt like an observer in life rather than a participant - I thought of Grandma, and I tried to enter, to be part of what was going on.
I wonder if she is with me, prodding me gently...
I also thought a lot about my fear of heights. I wonder if I should treasure it and step back and admit I am afraid of falling. Or if I should embrace it and go to the places that take my breath away and make me feel nauseous...which is sort of how flirting makes me feel...
While we were camping, we hiked way up to what was called a blue pool.When we got to the top, there was water at the bottom of a crater that might have been 50 or 75 feet deep. I stepped way back from the side and declared I was not going down. We didn't because it would have been dangerous with kids. And because the dog started to slide and had to be carried out on my son's shoulders. The dog probably weighs about 90 pounds. My daughter-in-law broke the dog's fall, but couldn't get him out. So my son disappeared over the side and climbed back outwith the dog on his shoulders. The dog is about 14, and they said this was probably going to be his last long hike.
That dog has hiked all over the country...
The next day we went to an area covered with volcanic rock. Again, we were high. But I was looking across black lava fields at towering mountains with glaciers. It felt primal. Everyone else decided to climb a tower. I decided to stand down on the rock. The wind was blowing. I heard voices on the wind. They had to go fast because no one is listening.
My daughter-in-law came down from the tower and convinced me to climb to the room inside of the tower. There was a path that wrapped around the tower. I did not go stand on top. But the inside was amazing. And I walked up it. I did it. And more importantly, I walked down! I embraced my fear.
We looked for a place to have a picnic, and stopped at a small lake in a mountaintop meadow. There was one blue heron, just standing guard.
It felt like a wedding place. I had the feeling I could live there. I don't especially like going up and down the mountain, but staying on top, in this gorgeous meadow would be lovely. I felt like I was in a different time, pioneering in the meadow.
While I was there, I read most of the National Geographic magazines from the past year. I read an article about the first North Americans who came across the Bering Land Bridge and began working their way down the west coast. As we drove through those mountains, and hiked in them, I could almost feel those first people. I suddenly felt what it might be like to only have tools and know-how, to survive, to be part of the land.
But when I hit the meadow and felt at home, I realized I'm an agriculturist, not a hunter-gatherer.
Back at the campsite, I noticed that the soil was dusty, giving, soft, but unyielding. It reminded me of an older woman, a Friend, who by being authentic, taught me to say no in a loving way. Everything was so female.
I stood and listened to a gentler wind, now that we were down off the pass. I heard, "We're here." I had a brief, furious, overwhelming feeling of love...it's okay. No words...then it was gone.
It's magic everywhere, as long as we are outside.
Love and hugs from Clare
Monday, August 24, 2015
read the books
http://www.isisscrolls.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=1371&Itemid=17
Hi Mags,
I found the article and poem for you. I hope you like it as much as I did. It was very provocative for me.
Stirring the pot might just have been a round of, "Let's be brave...I'll go first." I don't know if I would have felt led to out myself as an animist. I guess I'm not interested in the drama. It feels a little different to me, obviously...
My day was work, scrub the dining room floor, mow half the front lawn, catch up on email, write minutes for a meeting I attended this weekend, answer the phone a lot...and now it's bedtime. Another day in the life...
I'm looking back at my jotted notes from my trip, trying to catch up.
Before I left I went to my son's for dinner. I took ice cream and a gift, a book, for my granddaughter, who does not like cake. Seems we have a lot of those anti-cake individuals in this family! My granddaughter loves to read, and she ran into her room and brought me her absolutely favorite book. She gave it to me to read on the bus.
I was honored that she wanted to share with me.
The novel is titled Wonder, and is about a boy born with a genetic defect that left him with a deformed face. The story shared his first year in public school. My granddaughter loved it because the story was told with four different voices. The whole point of the book was about overcoming differences and creating community.
I got to read three books on the way out. The second day I read Laughing Boy. It is a novel written in the 1920s. I know I have mentioned my friend who died last December. He wanted me to read this book, and gave it to me several years ago. When he was a young adult, my friend was interested in Native American life and so he went to live on a nearby reservation for several years, and became fluent in their language.
The book was about Native American life at the time of the European invasion. It was about the clash of cultures. One character was raised traditionally. Another was taken by the Catholics and forced into Catholic boarding school. She believed in that way of life for awhile, but then began to understand she needed to live her own culture. But getting it back proved impossible. What struck me and stayed with me, though, is that the main character, the traditionally raised man, knew how to live The Beauty Way. Everything in his life flowed, or he felt it was off. He knew how to live in beauty.
I have been pulling that apart in my mind. How do we even recognize beauty, much less conform to its way? I seem to bump my way through life. Nothing feels especially beautiful...
Well, except my children, except where I live...
I think maybe I have a problem with focus and perception...more to think about...
The last book I read on the way out was The Way East by Hermann Hesse. That dealt with levels of reality and where we choose to dwell.
Thnking about it now, these three random books really were a philosophical trilogy!
How cool is that?
Love and hugs from Clare
Hi Mags,
I found the article and poem for you. I hope you like it as much as I did. It was very provocative for me.
Stirring the pot might just have been a round of, "Let's be brave...I'll go first." I don't know if I would have felt led to out myself as an animist. I guess I'm not interested in the drama. It feels a little different to me, obviously...
My day was work, scrub the dining room floor, mow half the front lawn, catch up on email, write minutes for a meeting I attended this weekend, answer the phone a lot...and now it's bedtime. Another day in the life...
I'm looking back at my jotted notes from my trip, trying to catch up.
Before I left I went to my son's for dinner. I took ice cream and a gift, a book, for my granddaughter, who does not like cake. Seems we have a lot of those anti-cake individuals in this family! My granddaughter loves to read, and she ran into her room and brought me her absolutely favorite book. She gave it to me to read on the bus.
I was honored that she wanted to share with me.
The novel is titled Wonder, and is about a boy born with a genetic defect that left him with a deformed face. The story shared his first year in public school. My granddaughter loved it because the story was told with four different voices. The whole point of the book was about overcoming differences and creating community.
I got to read three books on the way out. The second day I read Laughing Boy. It is a novel written in the 1920s. I know I have mentioned my friend who died last December. He wanted me to read this book, and gave it to me several years ago. When he was a young adult, my friend was interested in Native American life and so he went to live on a nearby reservation for several years, and became fluent in their language.
The book was about Native American life at the time of the European invasion. It was about the clash of cultures. One character was raised traditionally. Another was taken by the Catholics and forced into Catholic boarding school. She believed in that way of life for awhile, but then began to understand she needed to live her own culture. But getting it back proved impossible. What struck me and stayed with me, though, is that the main character, the traditionally raised man, knew how to live The Beauty Way. Everything in his life flowed, or he felt it was off. He knew how to live in beauty.
I have been pulling that apart in my mind. How do we even recognize beauty, much less conform to its way? I seem to bump my way through life. Nothing feels especially beautiful...
Well, except my children, except where I live...
I think maybe I have a problem with focus and perception...more to think about...
The last book I read on the way out was The Way East by Hermann Hesse. That dealt with levels of reality and where we choose to dwell.
Thnking about it now, these three random books really were a philosophical trilogy!
How cool is that?
Love and hugs from Clare
stir the pot
Clare,
I think I will look up that poem on Google and read it in its entirety.
It sounds fascinating.
I have had an up and down day…
class went well…
I think I presented myself as tough but supportive…
willing to work with students…
to bring the best of each of them to the surface.
I got my ID reactivated…
which means my email works and my on-line board works to post lessons, announcements, etc.
I saw a few of my older son's friends on campus…
a reminder of his off-schedule journey.
I helped with my youngest's lunch again for football practice…
they had a rough scrimmage on Saturday so it was quite a sedate lunch.
I met daughter#2 this evening for a ride to pick up a car that had been serviced…
we chatted as we drove…
no dinner as we had planned…
I ate watermelon and toast instead.
Oh well, tomorrow evening is sling yoga and we go to that together.
Both boys have young ladies over tonight.
I'm trying to be present but not intrusive.
I'm not sure why I felt as if I needed to tell mom about my theistic faith…
I think I need to be honest and truthful…
not deceptive…
pretending to believe in things that no longer make sense to me.
I think I want others to at least take a good, long, contemplative look at their personal faith/spirituality…
not just live within the boundaries of the religious rules and dogma.
Maybe I'm trying to radically set her free…
or, maybe I just like to stir the pot.
Not sure which is true.
Love and Light Beautiful sister,
Maggie
I think I will look up that poem on Google and read it in its entirety.
It sounds fascinating.
I have had an up and down day…
class went well…
I think I presented myself as tough but supportive…
willing to work with students…
to bring the best of each of them to the surface.
I got my ID reactivated…
which means my email works and my on-line board works to post lessons, announcements, etc.
I saw a few of my older son's friends on campus…
a reminder of his off-schedule journey.
I helped with my youngest's lunch again for football practice…
they had a rough scrimmage on Saturday so it was quite a sedate lunch.
I met daughter#2 this evening for a ride to pick up a car that had been serviced…
we chatted as we drove…
no dinner as we had planned…
I ate watermelon and toast instead.
Oh well, tomorrow evening is sling yoga and we go to that together.
Both boys have young ladies over tonight.
I'm trying to be present but not intrusive.
I'm not sure why I felt as if I needed to tell mom about my theistic faith…
I think I need to be honest and truthful…
not deceptive…
pretending to believe in things that no longer make sense to me.
I think I want others to at least take a good, long, contemplative look at their personal faith/spirituality…
not just live within the boundaries of the religious rules and dogma.
Maybe I'm trying to radically set her free…
or, maybe I just like to stir the pot.
Not sure which is true.
Love and Light Beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sunday, August 23, 2015
swamp status
Hi Maggie,
We're both here at once. Nice!! And...I found the notebook!!
It is interesting that you told Mom are not Christian. I am not Christian, and that is why I am not interested in going to evangelical events.
I would love to see Brene Brown though.
In the interest of full disclosure, S#3 called me a few hours ago and told me about the Brene event. She told me that you bought me a ticket. Thank you for thinking of me. That means so much. And thank you for your generosity and loving-kindness. She also reminded me that she asked, last year, if I wanted to go to this weekend's event. I respectfully declined, then forgot. So I was invited...
All of the things you listed...those are the reasons I didn't want to go.
I wanted to mention an article I found in the co-op before I lose the little magazine. There is a reflection followed by a three page long poem. I played with the idea of copying it all, but I'm too lazy. Instead, I think I'll send it to you and lift an important piece for here.
The article was by a woman named Maya Cooper. She wrote about how a friend's sharp words affected her. After being hurt, she decided to sit with the hurt feelings. She saw her patterns and energy and realized she triggered her friend. Her friend took on he role of giving voice to her inner patterns and inner films...The friend was actually serving her.
Reading it seemed to open something in me. I found myself thinking about who we are to each other and how we gift each other.
Anyway, the article was followed by the poem. One little bit jumped out and grabbed me.
I read with wonder and delight, because she found pools, rather than a whole swamp. I felt such hope, such potential, such possibility! We can dry the swamp...little by little, it can cease to be.
And I wondered about the state of our swamp - our individual swamps, as well as our clan swamp.
Enough for tonight. I will be back tomorrow. My daughter has changed shifts and so I won't have the baby as often any more. It is a bittersweet change.
Love to you, have fun at school...
Love and hugs from Clare
We're both here at once. Nice!! And...I found the notebook!!
It is interesting that you told Mom are not Christian. I am not Christian, and that is why I am not interested in going to evangelical events.
I would love to see Brene Brown though.
In the interest of full disclosure, S#3 called me a few hours ago and told me about the Brene event. She told me that you bought me a ticket. Thank you for thinking of me. That means so much. And thank you for your generosity and loving-kindness. She also reminded me that she asked, last year, if I wanted to go to this weekend's event. I respectfully declined, then forgot. So I was invited...
All of the things you listed...those are the reasons I didn't want to go.
I wanted to mention an article I found in the co-op before I lose the little magazine. There is a reflection followed by a three page long poem. I played with the idea of copying it all, but I'm too lazy. Instead, I think I'll send it to you and lift an important piece for here.
The article was by a woman named Maya Cooper. She wrote about how a friend's sharp words affected her. After being hurt, she decided to sit with the hurt feelings. She saw her patterns and energy and realized she triggered her friend. Her friend took on he role of giving voice to her inner patterns and inner films...The friend was actually serving her.
Reading it seemed to open something in me. I found myself thinking about who we are to each other and how we gift each other.
Anyway, the article was followed by the poem. One little bit jumped out and grabbed me.
in the dampest,
darkest reaches of my disconnect
in the breathless,
gasping-for-air-that-will-not-come-
pace of my ignorance
lie still, stagnant, secret black pools of pain
(Seeking Atonement, Maya Cooper)
I read with wonder and delight, because she found pools, rather than a whole swamp. I felt such hope, such potential, such possibility! We can dry the swamp...little by little, it can cease to be.
And I wondered about the state of our swamp - our individual swamps, as well as our clan swamp.
Enough for tonight. I will be back tomorrow. My daughter has changed shifts and so I won't have the baby as often any more. It is a bittersweet change.
Love to you, have fun at school...
Love and hugs from Clare
a lot of difficulty...
Clare,
It's good to read your words…
I've missed you.
First, your declined, past invitation was not rude…
but you explained that you did not like the idea of "arena worship"…
that you felt best in silence.
I believe the invitations have not come out of respect for your preference.
That being said,
there is a conference in October 2016 that I've already purchased tickets for and you are invited, encouraged, and expected to attend. It is in Newark, Delaware (probably at the University of Delaware), a smaller venue. The headliners are Brene Brown and Glennon Doyle Melton. You know Brene Brown. Glennon is the author of Momateries, a blog. Check it out at
http://momastery.com/blog/
S#3 and I made the choice to purchase a ticket for you…
it's only one day…
fairly close to either of our houses…
does not appear to be about Christianity…
it seems more about being human.
It is called To-get-her (together)
Glennon used the phrase "Me Too" many times during her talk.
The Jamaican angel sounds like an amazing occurrence.
The weekend was interesting.
I have a lot of difficulty with the words of contemporary christian songs…
I have a lot of difficulty with the claims of exclusivity with God…
I have a lot of difficulty with pleas to help the people of third world countries…
when we won't talk about race relations, intolerance, hunger, prejudice, poverty, homelessness in our own country.
I had an opportunity to ask myself to clarify what I do believe.
I made the mistake of saying, in front of our mother, that I am no longer a christian…
I explained that I am a theist, but feel that "christian" has been manipulated and used to justify horrible things, so I no longer identify with it. I think she's probably lighting candles for my soul today.
It was nice to spend time with Mom and S#3&5. Mom kept conversations pretty superficial…probably due to my nonchristian confession. Oh well, at least we were physically present with each other, if not emotionally. We can't have everything.
Class starts tomorrow…
9am class with the freshman…
I hope it's a good cohort this year.
I'll check back tomorrow.
I hope the sleepover went well.
Love and Light,
Maggie
It's good to read your words…
I've missed you.
First, your declined, past invitation was not rude…
but you explained that you did not like the idea of "arena worship"…
that you felt best in silence.
I believe the invitations have not come out of respect for your preference.
That being said,
there is a conference in October 2016 that I've already purchased tickets for and you are invited, encouraged, and expected to attend. It is in Newark, Delaware (probably at the University of Delaware), a smaller venue. The headliners are Brene Brown and Glennon Doyle Melton. You know Brene Brown. Glennon is the author of Momateries, a blog. Check it out at
http://momastery.com/blog/
S#3 and I made the choice to purchase a ticket for you…
it's only one day…
fairly close to either of our houses…
does not appear to be about Christianity…
it seems more about being human.
It is called To-get-her (together)
Glennon used the phrase "Me Too" many times during her talk.
The Jamaican angel sounds like an amazing occurrence.
The weekend was interesting.
I have a lot of difficulty with the words of contemporary christian songs…
I have a lot of difficulty with the claims of exclusivity with God…
I have a lot of difficulty with pleas to help the people of third world countries…
when we won't talk about race relations, intolerance, hunger, prejudice, poverty, homelessness in our own country.
I had an opportunity to ask myself to clarify what I do believe.
I made the mistake of saying, in front of our mother, that I am no longer a christian…
I explained that I am a theist, but feel that "christian" has been manipulated and used to justify horrible things, so I no longer identify with it. I think she's probably lighting candles for my soul today.
It was nice to spend time with Mom and S#3&5. Mom kept conversations pretty superficial…probably due to my nonchristian confession. Oh well, at least we were physically present with each other, if not emotionally. We can't have everything.
Class starts tomorrow…
9am class with the freshman…
I hope it's a good cohort this year.
I'll check back tomorrow.
I hope the sleepover went well.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Be Nice
And the elusive notebook is still at large...It even has a little local monthly magazine in it, because there was a poem I wanted to share...So I'm still off the cuff. Oh well.
This morning, on social media, there was a comment from a young woman I have had the pleasure to meet several times. She is a glowing, positive person. She wrote about people telling her she was too friendly, and added an attachment, a quote about complimenting random strangers and the effects, all positive, it has on them - but also on us.
It reminded me of another little story from a Friend who lives in a city. We have mutual F/friends, and so we are virtual friends. She said she was on the subway when a man stopped and told her she was owning the outfit she was wearing, that she should shine like the diva she is. She was shocked and talked to him. He explained that he was dying and he was going to spend the rest of his time noticing how wonderful people were, and telling them.
This Friend said she managed not to start crying until she was home, and shut the door.
These words of beauty affect us. Heal us. It is such a gift to be noticed.
I have been thinking about this. I think I have begun doing this in a quiet way. I still don't have the inner resources to speak loudly to strangers, but I do try to drop compliments in conversation. I try to sift in little gems to let people know what I see that really shines.
We need to grow this movement.
Maybe if we did, we could "fix" people like me, who upon being told I look fabulous, shut it down instead of embracing it and becoming even shinier.
I hope you are finding something to love about the weekend. Everyone asked me to go along once years ago, and I said no. I've never been invited again. I didn't think my no was that rude!!! But I really could not go. I struggle so much with evangelism. It all makes me so uncomfortable.
Love and hugs from Clare
This morning, on social media, there was a comment from a young woman I have had the pleasure to meet several times. She is a glowing, positive person. She wrote about people telling her she was too friendly, and added an attachment, a quote about complimenting random strangers and the effects, all positive, it has on them - but also on us.
It reminded me of another little story from a Friend who lives in a city. We have mutual F/friends, and so we are virtual friends. She said she was on the subway when a man stopped and told her she was owning the outfit she was wearing, that she should shine like the diva she is. She was shocked and talked to him. He explained that he was dying and he was going to spend the rest of his time noticing how wonderful people were, and telling them.
This Friend said she managed not to start crying until she was home, and shut the door.
These words of beauty affect us. Heal us. It is such a gift to be noticed.
I have been thinking about this. I think I have begun doing this in a quiet way. I still don't have the inner resources to speak loudly to strangers, but I do try to drop compliments in conversation. I try to sift in little gems to let people know what I see that really shines.
We need to grow this movement.
Maybe if we did, we could "fix" people like me, who upon being told I look fabulous, shut it down instead of embracing it and becoming even shinier.
I hope you are finding something to love about the weekend. Everyone asked me to go along once years ago, and I said no. I've never been invited again. I didn't think my no was that rude!!! But I really could not go. I struggle so much with evangelism. It all makes me so uncomfortable.
Love and hugs from Clare
Friday, August 21, 2015
Courageous, Joyful Folk
Hi Sister,
I can't find my notebook, and I almost feel like I'm not quite home. I took notes and jotted down thoughts while I was away, with the intent of filling in when I sat down here before my computer.
Until I find it, I'm going to wing it.
Being there was wonderful. My son and his wife always make me feel like I am part of them, part of the family. I don't feel like I am a guest. I try to make their lives easier while I am there, stepping in and helping as much as possible, without intruding. And then, they take care of me, which always makes me feel off. I'm not used to having anyone else take care of me.
The last evening I was there. my daughter-in-law made me a lavender infused, epsom salted bubble bath. She put out facial potions and turned on soft music. It may have been the girliest thing I have ever done. I don't do things like this for myself...but while I was soaking, I started wondering what it is like to have someone take care of you, like really take care of you. Maybe there's girly hope for me yet!
The bus ride out was terrible. Delays, a breakdown, at one point, in Kansas City, I was in complete despair. I remember thinking - anywhere else, anything else - just get me out of Greyhound. It never got better, but I recovered from my funk, and met some interesting people, of course.
I met two women from the south. One was from Tennessee, the other from Alabama. Both told me soul wrenching stories of abuse. With one, we talked about different kinds of grief - losing your daughter - who escaped an abusive boyfriend, but he hunted her down and killed her - losing your grandmother who raised you, losing your husband, losing the dog who loved your husband best. She said each grief felt different. The other talked of owned women being strapped down, imprisoned. She talked of the culture in her village - no one talked about adult issues. She was raped at age 18. She didn't know what happened to her. She only knew it hurt for about three months. She was escaping by going to stay in a homeless shelter in a city in the northwest - starting over with absolutely nothing. Can you imagine the courage and faith?
The trip home was much the same. Buses that didn't work well. Drivers that didn't show up..delays, rerouting. More despair, this time in Ohio. I just wanted to go home. But I met a man who was my age who was going walkabout in the US. He had hiked in 45 of the 50 states before he had children. Now, a widower with grown daughters...the daughters told him to stop dreaming and go. So he was. He was camping, walking, hiking, hitch-hiking, catching the bus, and just having an adventure. I also met a young woman from South Africa who was from the Bantu tribe. She was raised speaking one of the tribal dialects, and learned English later. She was asking me questions about some messages she received from a school she planned to attend. She was alone in this country, no family or friends at all. She told me there are companies in Africa who take your finances and grades and field of interest into consideration and find a university in the US and get you enrolled. But the school asked for fees via Western Union. The person who tried to pick up the wire didn't have proper ID and so the money was bounced back. I was worried. So I gave her my email address and told her to contact me if she needed me. She was grateful. I haven't heard from her, but I have been holding her in the Light. Another courageous woman who impressed me. She is going to study psychology so she can go home and work with teenagers.
One more individual caught my attention and I will close with him, because I am tired, and I a going to work tomorrow, then have grandchildren overnight - because I missed them and because I am going to make them look at my pictures!! I was walking out of a natural foods co-op. I was sort of meandering, not paying attention to where I was going. I got to the door at the same time as a young man with dreadlocks. He stepped aside and held the door for me. I thanked him and apologized for wandering. He smiled and said he wandered too. He said he was into walking and herb walks. Now why would he say that to me? I looked more closely and said, I do herb stands. There are so many herbs everywhere you are, that you don't have to move to see the abundance. He smiled more and agreed. I told him I know the east coast herbs better, and he said he did too. Then he looked at me, opened his arms, and I hugged him. It was like standing in ginger ale. The vibrations were so high and joyful and other-worldly. We smiled and parted, and I thought of the old saying about entertaining angels unaware. I was caught with the idea of an angelic encounter.
So why wouldn't an angel be a Jamiacan boy with dreadies and an enormous smile?
Hope you are enjoying your faith weekend...
Love and hugs from Clare
I can't find my notebook, and I almost feel like I'm not quite home. I took notes and jotted down thoughts while I was away, with the intent of filling in when I sat down here before my computer.
Until I find it, I'm going to wing it.
Being there was wonderful. My son and his wife always make me feel like I am part of them, part of the family. I don't feel like I am a guest. I try to make their lives easier while I am there, stepping in and helping as much as possible, without intruding. And then, they take care of me, which always makes me feel off. I'm not used to having anyone else take care of me.
The last evening I was there. my daughter-in-law made me a lavender infused, epsom salted bubble bath. She put out facial potions and turned on soft music. It may have been the girliest thing I have ever done. I don't do things like this for myself...but while I was soaking, I started wondering what it is like to have someone take care of you, like really take care of you. Maybe there's girly hope for me yet!
The bus ride out was terrible. Delays, a breakdown, at one point, in Kansas City, I was in complete despair. I remember thinking - anywhere else, anything else - just get me out of Greyhound. It never got better, but I recovered from my funk, and met some interesting people, of course.
I met two women from the south. One was from Tennessee, the other from Alabama. Both told me soul wrenching stories of abuse. With one, we talked about different kinds of grief - losing your daughter - who escaped an abusive boyfriend, but he hunted her down and killed her - losing your grandmother who raised you, losing your husband, losing the dog who loved your husband best. She said each grief felt different. The other talked of owned women being strapped down, imprisoned. She talked of the culture in her village - no one talked about adult issues. She was raped at age 18. She didn't know what happened to her. She only knew it hurt for about three months. She was escaping by going to stay in a homeless shelter in a city in the northwest - starting over with absolutely nothing. Can you imagine the courage and faith?
The trip home was much the same. Buses that didn't work well. Drivers that didn't show up..delays, rerouting. More despair, this time in Ohio. I just wanted to go home. But I met a man who was my age who was going walkabout in the US. He had hiked in 45 of the 50 states before he had children. Now, a widower with grown daughters...the daughters told him to stop dreaming and go. So he was. He was camping, walking, hiking, hitch-hiking, catching the bus, and just having an adventure. I also met a young woman from South Africa who was from the Bantu tribe. She was raised speaking one of the tribal dialects, and learned English later. She was asking me questions about some messages she received from a school she planned to attend. She was alone in this country, no family or friends at all. She told me there are companies in Africa who take your finances and grades and field of interest into consideration and find a university in the US and get you enrolled. But the school asked for fees via Western Union. The person who tried to pick up the wire didn't have proper ID and so the money was bounced back. I was worried. So I gave her my email address and told her to contact me if she needed me. She was grateful. I haven't heard from her, but I have been holding her in the Light. Another courageous woman who impressed me. She is going to study psychology so she can go home and work with teenagers.
One more individual caught my attention and I will close with him, because I am tired, and I a going to work tomorrow, then have grandchildren overnight - because I missed them and because I am going to make them look at my pictures!! I was walking out of a natural foods co-op. I was sort of meandering, not paying attention to where I was going. I got to the door at the same time as a young man with dreadlocks. He stepped aside and held the door for me. I thanked him and apologized for wandering. He smiled and said he wandered too. He said he was into walking and herb walks. Now why would he say that to me? I looked more closely and said, I do herb stands. There are so many herbs everywhere you are, that you don't have to move to see the abundance. He smiled more and agreed. I told him I know the east coast herbs better, and he said he did too. Then he looked at me, opened his arms, and I hugged him. It was like standing in ginger ale. The vibrations were so high and joyful and other-worldly. We smiled and parted, and I thought of the old saying about entertaining angels unaware. I was caught with the idea of an angelic encounter.
So why wouldn't an angel be a Jamiacan boy with dreadies and an enormous smile?
Hope you are enjoying your faith weekend...
Love and hugs from Clare
Thursday, August 20, 2015
welcome back
Clare,
I'm glad you are back.
I've missed you.
I am leaving tomorrow for a weekend at Women of Faith with mom, S#3 and S#5. I agreed to go because it's the last tour. I've been trying to get into the spirit of celebration, listening to contemporary Christian music and am turned off by the lyrics.
I hope that I open to the spirit. however it hits me.
I will be back on Sunday.
Take your time with writing, I'll check in when I get back.
As I wrote previously…
I've had a wave of new clients…
a blessing…
and am amazed and inspired by their resilience.
Abuse, neglect, disrespect for years…
by primary caregivers…
devastating life events.
And they are raising kids in a kinder, gentler, respectful manner.
It gives me hope.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
I'm glad you're home safe and sound,
Maggie
I'm glad you are back.
I've missed you.
I am leaving tomorrow for a weekend at Women of Faith with mom, S#3 and S#5. I agreed to go because it's the last tour. I've been trying to get into the spirit of celebration, listening to contemporary Christian music and am turned off by the lyrics.
I hope that I open to the spirit. however it hits me.
I will be back on Sunday.
Take your time with writing, I'll check in when I get back.
As I wrote previously…
I've had a wave of new clients…
a blessing…
and am amazed and inspired by their resilience.
Abuse, neglect, disrespect for years…
by primary caregivers…
devastating life events.
And they are raising kids in a kinder, gentler, respectful manner.
It gives me hope.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
I'm glad you're home safe and sound,
Maggie
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Home again
I'm home!!
I took lots of notes as I was thinking and experiencing. I'll share later as I settle in. My bus got in at 5:05 pm, and so I am exhausted. I want a shower, and then - sleep!
My youngest, our nephew and the baby came and picked me up. When she saw me, the baby began waving her arms, kicking her legs and screaming at the top of her voice. It was a nice welcome!
It was hard leaving the west coast family. I miss them so much, and having a long period of family time and then having to leave was so difficult. we were all blubbering. Then, unexpectedly, I began to cry again as I passed out of their state.
In a way, I'm glad to see this process of potentially fostering is taking a long time. It gives everyone a chance to really think about what is about to happen.
I'm definitely holding you all in the Light!
Love and hugs, and miss yous from Clare
I took lots of notes as I was thinking and experiencing. I'll share later as I settle in. My bus got in at 5:05 pm, and so I am exhausted. I want a shower, and then - sleep!
My youngest, our nephew and the baby came and picked me up. When she saw me, the baby began waving her arms, kicking her legs and screaming at the top of her voice. It was a nice welcome!
It was hard leaving the west coast family. I miss them so much, and having a long period of family time and then having to leave was so difficult. we were all blubbering. Then, unexpectedly, I began to cry again as I passed out of their state.
In a way, I'm glad to see this process of potentially fostering is taking a long time. It gives everyone a chance to really think about what is about to happen.
I'm definitely holding you all in the Light!
Love and hugs, and miss yous from Clare
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Time moves on…
Clare,
Another weekend…
almost gone…
I did get a lot accomplished…
I guess I'm ready for another week.
Time moves on...
I got a text yesterday morning inviting me to pick peaches at a friend's home.
I went to yoga and mentioned the peach picking…
which started a conversation…
and soon I was describing Quaker Worship.
I went to pick peaches…
2 bushels full…
and brought them home…
3 hours of cleaning and slicing peaches!
But along the way I made 2 pies and a cobbler.
One pie for us…
One for my older Quaker F/friend…
she was thrilled...
and a cobbler for my oldest's friends who just had twin girls a few months ago.
I also went to there nursery (plants) and bought 6 blueberry bushes…
husband and I planted them this afternoon…
it was 92 degrees…
but they are planted and next year I'll have blueberries in the yard.
Anyway…
one of my yoga friends asked to come to Quaker Meeting this morning…
it was great to take someone for their first Meeting…
she said it felt like "home".
No real insights today.
I'm going to a large religious gathering this weekend with S#3, S#5 and Mom…
part of me is looking forward to it…
other parts wonder why I thought it was a good idea.
Oh well, something interesting is bound to happen.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
maggie
Another weekend…
almost gone…
I did get a lot accomplished…
I guess I'm ready for another week.
Time moves on...
I got a text yesterday morning inviting me to pick peaches at a friend's home.
I went to yoga and mentioned the peach picking…
which started a conversation…
and soon I was describing Quaker Worship.
I went to pick peaches…
2 bushels full…
and brought them home…
3 hours of cleaning and slicing peaches!
But along the way I made 2 pies and a cobbler.
One pie for us…
One for my older Quaker F/friend…
she was thrilled...
and a cobbler for my oldest's friends who just had twin girls a few months ago.
I also went to there nursery (plants) and bought 6 blueberry bushes…
husband and I planted them this afternoon…
it was 92 degrees…
but they are planted and next year I'll have blueberries in the yard.
Anyway…
one of my yoga friends asked to come to Quaker Meeting this morning…
it was great to take someone for their first Meeting…
she said it felt like "home".
No real insights today.
I'm going to a large religious gathering this weekend with S#3, S#5 and Mom…
part of me is looking forward to it…
other parts wonder why I thought it was a good idea.
Oh well, something interesting is bound to happen.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
maggie
Friday, August 14, 2015
moving…with direction?
Clare,
I hope you are enjoying your West Coast time.
I had an interesting week…
mostly being blown away by the beautiful resilience of people.
The stories I hear and the courage I observe are inspiring.
I have met many women with stories more heartbreaking than my own…
and watch them struggle as they enter their own swamp…
in hope of PEACE.
I met with my young man friend…
he has had 3 weeks to consider his way forward…
and is still quite torn.
He told me that he doesn't like change.
He told me that he wants to wait for a while to see if his father and girlfriend move out of the grandparents home to make space for him and his brother. Dad is supposedly saving money to make this happen.
But after more discussion he asked what I/we could give him at our home. I told him that we cannot replace his family, but could allow him to continue to connect with his family to build relationship. I told him we could provide a safe and stable home for him to grow. I told him that he would be valued.
I stopped short of telling him he is and would be loved.
Saying that breaks a professional boundary.
He thought for a while…
and said he would like to explore living with us.
I had to explain that once he visits my home, I cannot be his therapist anymore.
I can be therapist OR Mom…
not both.
I encouraged him to continue to explore the family/grandparent option…
if, at any time, he wants to commit to another option I will be here.
I hope that was the right advice.
Part of me is ruminating over it.
Am I setting him up for another big disappointment?
What direction are we moving her?
Part of me is kicking myself for not diving on that opportunity…
it's what I want…
and what I think he needs.
But is it really what he needs?
Is it his best option?
I did tell him that I've talked with friends and family about this decision. I told him that I am afraid of messing up…making his life worse…but that we both need courage. This vulnerability stuff is tough.
Send some Light…
I could use help in this process.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I hope you are enjoying your West Coast time.
I had an interesting week…
mostly being blown away by the beautiful resilience of people.
The stories I hear and the courage I observe are inspiring.
I have met many women with stories more heartbreaking than my own…
and watch them struggle as they enter their own swamp…
in hope of PEACE.
I met with my young man friend…
he has had 3 weeks to consider his way forward…
and is still quite torn.
He told me that he doesn't like change.
He told me that he wants to wait for a while to see if his father and girlfriend move out of the grandparents home to make space for him and his brother. Dad is supposedly saving money to make this happen.
But after more discussion he asked what I/we could give him at our home. I told him that we cannot replace his family, but could allow him to continue to connect with his family to build relationship. I told him we could provide a safe and stable home for him to grow. I told him that he would be valued.
I stopped short of telling him he is and would be loved.
Saying that breaks a professional boundary.
He thought for a while…
and said he would like to explore living with us.
I had to explain that once he visits my home, I cannot be his therapist anymore.
I can be therapist OR Mom…
not both.
I encouraged him to continue to explore the family/grandparent option…
if, at any time, he wants to commit to another option I will be here.
I hope that was the right advice.
Part of me is ruminating over it.
Am I setting him up for another big disappointment?
What direction are we moving her?
Part of me is kicking myself for not diving on that opportunity…
it's what I want…
and what I think he needs.
But is it really what he needs?
Is it his best option?
I did tell him that I've talked with friends and family about this decision. I told him that I am afraid of messing up…making his life worse…but that we both need courage. This vulnerability stuff is tough.
Send some Light…
I could use help in this process.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
moving again
Clare,
I returned from vacation exhausted…
so I spent a week…
or more…
catching up…
Yesterday I did a juice cleanse and exercised…
and today I walked again.
I'm moving again.
It baffles me that walking…
something I thoroughly enjoy…
becomes such a chore after only a week off.
It amazes me how our body is ready to let go of the habit of exercise so quickly.
When I am walking daily I can't imagine not walking…
but it quickly dissipates.
Today was a good day…
we're definitely preparing for school again.
My classes begin 8/24…
my youngest begins 9/1….
I believe the older son begins 8/24 as well.
We shopped today for football accessories….
cleats, a girdle, mouth guard, etc…
It was nice to have a day with the youngest.
He passed his permit test this morning…
which put him into an incredibly good mood.
No great insights today…
just taking care of the business of life.
Enjoy your visit…
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I returned from vacation exhausted…
so I spent a week…
or more…
catching up…
Yesterday I did a juice cleanse and exercised…
and today I walked again.
I'm moving again.
It baffles me that walking…
something I thoroughly enjoy…
becomes such a chore after only a week off.
It amazes me how our body is ready to let go of the habit of exercise so quickly.
When I am walking daily I can't imagine not walking…
but it quickly dissipates.
Today was a good day…
we're definitely preparing for school again.
My classes begin 8/24…
my youngest begins 9/1….
I believe the older son begins 8/24 as well.
We shopped today for football accessories….
cleats, a girdle, mouth guard, etc…
It was nice to have a day with the youngest.
He passed his permit test this morning…
which put him into an incredibly good mood.
No great insights today…
just taking care of the business of life.
Enjoy your visit…
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, August 10, 2015
being moved
Clare,
I sat in Meeting yesterday putting together several experiences and felt a shift in my understanding.
I spoke…
telling the story of my zip lining experiences.
Two years ago I zipped with 3 ladies…
one who is a dear Friend/friend.
As we drove home I commented that the zips and obstacles are a metaphor for life…
sometimes it is easy and exhilarating- the zips…
and sometimes it takes courage and fortitude to take each and every step- the obstacles.
The newer understanding was relating a June trip to the same place with my children.
My youngest and oldest took on the course fearlessly…
walking across wires without holding ropes…
sloth crawling across ropes…
trust falling backwards off a platform…
My younger daughter had more fear…
And I had to focus my resolve on conquering my fear, making myself step onto every challenge.
I came to realize that I had raised these kids right…
especially my youngest…
he trusts and is willing to try new things…
and relishes the experience.
One challenge demonstrated this well.
It was a tight wire, 2 inches thick, with one rope attached to the starting platform…
While they walked without holding the rope straight across…
I chose to cling to the rope, shifting my balance towards the rope…
causing me to lose balance and fall…
which them required my use of core strength to right myself back onto the wire.
I realized we have given him a beautiful gift- trusting the universe…
where we are is safe and appropriate…
and trust in ourselves to handle the situations.
I'm not going crazy and believing he is making all the right decisions…
but his approach to life is so different from mine
I spoke of living without fear and anxiety…
trusting the universe, the Light to guide us to each experience.
My friend was also there.
after several minutes she completed the story from her perspective.
She spoke of balance and inner strength necessary for the zip course and for life.
It was a beautiful message.
So, I 've had a small opening…
a slight paradigm shift…
thank you universe.
I hope that you are having fun on the West Coast with your family.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I sat in Meeting yesterday putting together several experiences and felt a shift in my understanding.
I spoke…
telling the story of my zip lining experiences.
Two years ago I zipped with 3 ladies…
one who is a dear Friend/friend.
As we drove home I commented that the zips and obstacles are a metaphor for life…
sometimes it is easy and exhilarating- the zips…
and sometimes it takes courage and fortitude to take each and every step- the obstacles.
The newer understanding was relating a June trip to the same place with my children.
My youngest and oldest took on the course fearlessly…
walking across wires without holding ropes…
sloth crawling across ropes…
trust falling backwards off a platform…
My younger daughter had more fear…
And I had to focus my resolve on conquering my fear, making myself step onto every challenge.
I came to realize that I had raised these kids right…
especially my youngest…
he trusts and is willing to try new things…
and relishes the experience.
One challenge demonstrated this well.
It was a tight wire, 2 inches thick, with one rope attached to the starting platform…
While they walked without holding the rope straight across…
I chose to cling to the rope, shifting my balance towards the rope…
causing me to lose balance and fall…
which them required my use of core strength to right myself back onto the wire.
I realized we have given him a beautiful gift- trusting the universe…
where we are is safe and appropriate…
and trust in ourselves to handle the situations.
I'm not going crazy and believing he is making all the right decisions…
but his approach to life is so different from mine
I spoke of living without fear and anxiety…
trusting the universe, the Light to guide us to each experience.
My friend was also there.
after several minutes she completed the story from her perspective.
She spoke of balance and inner strength necessary for the zip course and for life.
It was a beautiful message.
So, I 've had a small opening…
a slight paradigm shift…
thank you universe.
I hope that you are having fun on the West Coast with your family.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Saturday, August 8, 2015
moving forward
Clare,
Sling yoga was awesome and relaxing…
my oldest didn't go, but daughter#2 and I enjoyed it a lot.
We will be moving the oldest to her next apartment on Friday…
I think we'll be done moving people for a while then…
I hope so.
We're getting a discount on the moving rental truck because we've rented 3 times in a month!
There's always a silver lining.
Update on the young man looking for a family.
He has asked to meet with adoption specialists to get all of his options.
He has spoken at length with the director of the group home about not wanting to disappoint me.
I reassured her that I want nothing more than to offer him an opportunity for safety, consistency and growth.
The father is still telling him not to break the family apart…
confusing him incredibly.
I am waiting patiently…
holding him in the Light to make the best decision possible at this time.
Part of me feels badly for offering him a home…
it certainly brought a lot of difficult emotions for him…
and is motivating him to make conscious choices about his life…
OK, I don't feel badly because those are all goals of effective therapy.
This is his time to move forward…
I pray he has the courage to make his own decisions.
It's interesting, I thought he would accept this invitation…
I thought it was a no brainer…
but his patience and struggle are teaching me lessons I didn't expect.
I will be patient and consistent…
for his sake.
I have been preparing for my bio class…
it begins 8/24…
today I updated the syllabus…
that made it much more real.
I am looking forward to teaching again…
I have been thinking about what worked and what didn't…
I'm making some changes in my approach…
we'll see how it turns out.
At least I'm moving forward.
Tomorrow I have a memorial service for a friend's husband. She is one of my favorite people on this planet.
She has helped me through some of my darkest times…
and she still sees me in a positive Light.
Her husband died last Saturday of a massive heart attack.
He was cutting dead limbs out of a tree, came in to take a nap and never woke up.
He was 54 years old and had no history of cardiac disease…
He had no history of any diseases.
She's taking it very hard…
Please hold her in the Light.
I hope that you are having fun in the west.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sling yoga was awesome and relaxing…
my oldest didn't go, but daughter#2 and I enjoyed it a lot.
We will be moving the oldest to her next apartment on Friday…
I think we'll be done moving people for a while then…
I hope so.
We're getting a discount on the moving rental truck because we've rented 3 times in a month!
There's always a silver lining.
Update on the young man looking for a family.
He has asked to meet with adoption specialists to get all of his options.
He has spoken at length with the director of the group home about not wanting to disappoint me.
I reassured her that I want nothing more than to offer him an opportunity for safety, consistency and growth.
The father is still telling him not to break the family apart…
confusing him incredibly.
I am waiting patiently…
holding him in the Light to make the best decision possible at this time.
Part of me feels badly for offering him a home…
it certainly brought a lot of difficult emotions for him…
and is motivating him to make conscious choices about his life…
OK, I don't feel badly because those are all goals of effective therapy.
This is his time to move forward…
I pray he has the courage to make his own decisions.
It's interesting, I thought he would accept this invitation…
I thought it was a no brainer…
but his patience and struggle are teaching me lessons I didn't expect.
I will be patient and consistent…
for his sake.
I have been preparing for my bio class…
it begins 8/24…
today I updated the syllabus…
that made it much more real.
I am looking forward to teaching again…
I have been thinking about what worked and what didn't…
I'm making some changes in my approach…
we'll see how it turns out.
At least I'm moving forward.
Tomorrow I have a memorial service for a friend's husband. She is one of my favorite people on this planet.
She has helped me through some of my darkest times…
and she still sees me in a positive Light.
Her husband died last Saturday of a massive heart attack.
He was cutting dead limbs out of a tree, came in to take a nap and never woke up.
He was 54 years old and had no history of cardiac disease…
He had no history of any diseases.
She's taking it very hard…
Please hold her in the Light.
I hope that you are having fun in the west.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
moving day
Clare,
I hope that your trip is going well. I saw from your daughter's post that you've arrived at your son's family's home. I hope the trip was interesting.
Today we moved my oldest from her college apartment. She has her stuff in storage temporarily. Next week we will complete the move and take it all to her grad school apartment. It was a very organized, efficient move…much like her.
Tonight I am taking both daughters to sling yoga…
they are both tired…
part of me thinks I should cancel…
but I think they will find it incredibly relaxing and stress relieving.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Last night I had a heated discussion with my youngest…
he refused to go to his athletic practice…
"they're not mandatory!" was his point…
mine was that if you're committed to a team- you show up.
Anyway, he expressed his sense of himself being successful and a "better athlete" than others.
I told him that I see him as struggling with school (3 high schools by junior year), grades, and his image…
I think I surprised him by offering criticism…
I hope it made him think.
Time to get ready for yoga.
Enjoy the west lovely sister.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I hope that your trip is going well. I saw from your daughter's post that you've arrived at your son's family's home. I hope the trip was interesting.
Today we moved my oldest from her college apartment. She has her stuff in storage temporarily. Next week we will complete the move and take it all to her grad school apartment. It was a very organized, efficient move…much like her.
Tonight I am taking both daughters to sling yoga…
they are both tired…
part of me thinks I should cancel…
but I think they will find it incredibly relaxing and stress relieving.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Last night I had a heated discussion with my youngest…
he refused to go to his athletic practice…
"they're not mandatory!" was his point…
mine was that if you're committed to a team- you show up.
Anyway, he expressed his sense of himself being successful and a "better athlete" than others.
I told him that I see him as struggling with school (3 high schools by junior year), grades, and his image…
I think I surprised him by offering criticism…
I hope it made him think.
Time to get ready for yoga.
Enjoy the west lovely sister.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Monday, August 3, 2015
Too much responsibility
Clare,
I'm writing for myself…
I think.
You may not see this for 3 weeks or more.
Vacation was a good experience…
some fighting…
a lot of loving…
too much sun, wine, and food…
all in all a success.
I went to work for a meeting today and found out that a friend's husband died unexpectedly this past weekend. He laid down for a nap and never got up. The interesting thing is that she was about 15 years older than him and we'd discussed how frightened he was to lose her. She is not in the best of health, and they both anticipated her dying in the not too distant future. She was not at work (obviously)…
there is a memorial service this weekend…
She is a truly remarkable human being.
She has made such a difference in my life.
I did not know him well…
but liked him, through her.
Life is strange.
You never know when your last day in this body will be.
I don't think that I really fear death.
There are times when I would welcome it…
not because I am suicidal…
but because I want to move to the next realm.
I know that I have work to do here…
but want very much to know Truths.
I spent the evening with my horse. He didn't shun me as I expected he would. I have not spent significant time with him in a year. I have been afraid of being hurt by his strength…but he was as gentle as ever. I love that creature/being.
My dog had a seizure last night…
again.
She gets so stressed by my absences that once I'm home she generally has a seizure. I love her and hate causing her stress, but she has difficulty even when I leave for work. I wish I could tell her it will be only for a short while.
I love my animals…
I love people…
I sometimes need a break though.
I spoke with B#4 today…
he is struggling…
B#2 is cycling up and down in moods and making life unbearable. B#4 has decided to ask him to move out. B#4 is confident that the other has the means to live independently. The decision is still difficult for him though. We talked for a while this morning, it was good to hear his struggles and they way that he works through them. I will hold them both in the Light.
All for now beautiful sister…
safe travels,
Maggie
I'm writing for myself…
I think.
You may not see this for 3 weeks or more.
Vacation was a good experience…
some fighting…
a lot of loving…
too much sun, wine, and food…
all in all a success.
I went to work for a meeting today and found out that a friend's husband died unexpectedly this past weekend. He laid down for a nap and never got up. The interesting thing is that she was about 15 years older than him and we'd discussed how frightened he was to lose her. She is not in the best of health, and they both anticipated her dying in the not too distant future. She was not at work (obviously)…
there is a memorial service this weekend…
She is a truly remarkable human being.
She has made such a difference in my life.
I did not know him well…
but liked him, through her.
Life is strange.
You never know when your last day in this body will be.
I don't think that I really fear death.
There are times when I would welcome it…
not because I am suicidal…
but because I want to move to the next realm.
I know that I have work to do here…
but want very much to know Truths.
I spent the evening with my horse. He didn't shun me as I expected he would. I have not spent significant time with him in a year. I have been afraid of being hurt by his strength…but he was as gentle as ever. I love that creature/being.
My dog had a seizure last night…
again.
She gets so stressed by my absences that once I'm home she generally has a seizure. I love her and hate causing her stress, but she has difficulty even when I leave for work. I wish I could tell her it will be only for a short while.
I love my animals…
I love people…
I sometimes need a break though.
I spoke with B#4 today…
he is struggling…
B#2 is cycling up and down in moods and making life unbearable. B#4 has decided to ask him to move out. B#4 is confident that the other has the means to live independently. The decision is still difficult for him though. We talked for a while this morning, it was good to hear his struggles and they way that he works through them. I will hold them both in the Light.
All for now beautiful sister…
safe travels,
Maggie
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