Scream

I expect you to find your voice and I expect to hear you scream.  I expect to hear it at my house!  I hope you rant and rave and tell them all off...all of the thems that silence you.  All who continue to silence you.

I don't have too much hope for either of our parents being able to talk to you about this.  I don't think they can, because it had to have happened to them.  That is the only way it could have slipped into our generation with such viciousness.  They had to have been victims, and now they have a big canyon in their souls, a darkness they can't or won't access.  And so they panic about anything sexual - think about it, about the messages we received about sex as we were growing up.

Mom can't talk to you, but will an older sibling do?  There were times when I certainly felt like your mother!  I remember a beautiful baby, a dark-haired girl with intelligence and humor.  I have vivid memories of you in your high chair.  You were precious.  And you were not protected.  You did not deserve to be abused.  You did not deserve to be treated like a thing.  You deserved to be treasured.  It was not fair, and it was not your fault.  Not only are you worthy, you are valuable.  I am in awe of your strength, of the gifts you bring.

It was the fault of the one who sexually abused your brothers and turned them to abuse to discharge their shame.  It was the fault of the one who refused to see the abuse going on in our own home.  It was the fault of the one who abused the abusers and on and on and on back into our family tree...Everyone deserves a home, a place where we belong and are safe.  We really didn't have a home.  I have that ongoing issue - I never feel safe.

I question the process of replacing the negative with the positive.  I think it's important to remember the positive.  Those moments of family joy and togetherness are invaluable because it reminds us that we were children and we were childlike. The abuse didn't steal everything, but it tainted a lot.  I think we need to remember the abuse side by side with the fun things.  I am willing to help you remember what I can. 

I knew someone once who liked to say,  "The sheep are many, the warriors few."  Think about human nature.  We all want to be strong and confident and to lead the way...as long as someone else goes first.  Maybe it is unreasonable to move forward with our siblings, but as we move forward, with love and compassion, the others may come into the Light.  We may recover as a whole, but not simultaneously. I think we all have such a deep desire to be seen, to be accepted, to be loved...it will happen.