Fear can be natural and good. We instinctively fear heights or fire. Somehow that protective instinct is thwarted and we fear...we fear everything. Everything becomes a cliffside, and we are always afraid of falling off. I remember walking in the woods with a friend who is a bit of a jokester. He let me walk forward in a creek until a booming rush of water crashing alerted me - I was almost on the edge of a waterfall. My heart almost stopped. I froze looking down a long drop.. And I have never considered this before, but I did not walk off the edge of the waterfall - which was quite deep. There is something in me which preserves my safety. Maybe I can trust myself more than I think I can...So some fear is the path of self love and self protection. The pervasive fears that keep us from functioning much in life are the unnatural fears we need to first identify, then deal with.
I don't know if I believe fear is our measly creation. It is created in us at a time when we are totally dependent. When we are tiny and helpless, we learn that the world is safe when we are tended - when we are fed because we are hungry, bathed and changed because we are wet, rocked and soothed just because we need to be, because we are precious and worth rocking. I think we go on to create our fears, learn our fears, from early emotions of terror. The terror of being hungry, the terror of being alone and unprotected. The ingenious ways we twist these fears as we mature and experience the world is a testament to human intelligence. Those are the measly fears we create. But the source is real to the infant who is crying and no one answers. And those feelings are still real inside of us, and controlling us. Add to that the pain of being molested - of learning your body belongs to someone else who will do whatever they want, that you have no purpose except to be a thing for this person. I understand the fear, and I know it is not easily dismissed, nor is it measly.
I know the answer is love. I know it. I know our generation's job is to climb into our heart chakras and find faith, live in faith. But we are so damaged. It seems so hard. And be willing to hide nothing??? God, all I do is hide. I am hidden under so many layers, it's a miracle anyone can find me. Reading your words, thinking about this, trying to respond - I am in tears.
One of my children has a good friend. This young woman is one of my non-bio children, a child of my heart. She was born to two very self absorbed people who divorced and each married someone who does not welcome their daughter. She was molested by a member of a babysitter's family, and again by a member of a step-family. No one protected her. Now she is being inundated by sexual advances from an unwelcome source and she does not know how to say NO! She threatens, but predators can identify their marks easily, and recognize empty threats. I want to teach her what I do not know how to do. What do I do? How do I help!
You are right. This is an epidemic. What is the proper medicine. How do we re-humanize the soul of a predator? Is it possible? How do we strengthen the heart of a victim, so they can love themselves, protect themselves. And maybe - how do we stop looking for validation from the outside. If we never heard any messages of "You're okay. You are worthy." how to we even begin to find it now?
I love your image of spiraling forward. I see the truth, I recognize this. And you're right - we're not moving into a time of fear and loneliness. But we're seeing it over and over, still emotionally attached to it. I think the release will have to be emotional, not just logical.
You mentioned being on a journey back through our various homes and retrieving yourself, retrieving memories. What have you found?
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