And another dream

I dreamed last night that I was riding bicycle.  I was riding up a steep hill that I know very well in waking life.  I can not ride my bike up this hill, although I walk up somewhat regularly.  In the dream I could feel how hard it was the pedal, oh-so-slowly, to pulse forward slowly as thigh muscles strained.  And I made it.  Once I crested, riding in general became easy and I was smiling.  I felt happy.

One major problem/block I have always had in my life is that I am not in my body.  I don't recognize it, don't associate with it, don't honor it, and I definitely don't take care of it.  I realized once, in my thirties, that I sort of hover above my body, barely attached to it.  Mom used to say that I was the most unaffected person she knew - mostly because I didn't care what I was wearing.  I dress in the morning and forget.  I have no idea what I look like.  I see photos later, when I allow a photo to be taken, and am shocked.  And usually I am disgusted.  I just found a few photos from last summer - and they're not too bad.  But when they were taken I hated them.

I have struggled with weight gain ever since I got married.  I know people who are overweight use food to numb.  And a piece of buttered toast is a great numbing agent.  I have had a chance to really talk to a few young girls, friends of my daughter's, who also struggle with weight and body issues.  Each one was sexually or physically abused.  It led me to consider the current problems we have with childhood obesity.  We blame fast food and television - and they are a problem - but maybe we need to look deeper at the violence that permeates our culture.

Earlier this month I had a series of three dreams which indicated that if I don't get my act together, especially nutritionally, I will not be here much longer.  So I have begun trying to maintain a primarily whole grain, beans and vegetables diet.  After a few good days, I start to feel better, but damn, I start to feel.  Then I began to prowl and I don't know what I am looking for.  But chocolate always turns the feelings off. And so I am at war within myself.

Did you ever notice, cheap food is numbing food?

Being overweight means I am not noticed.  There is safety in invisibility.  I was shocked once, again in my mid-thirties, when I heard a news report about a mother, about my age, who was raped.  My immediate, unguarded thought was, "That will never happen to me again - not with this weight on me."  Invisible is safe, but it's also very lonely.  I want to be safe, but I want it to come from personal strength...not sure how to do this...

-Clare