The question...

Hey Sweetie,

I think you are bolder and braver than I am.  I think you always have been.  You say you don't think you have ever loved anyone.  I am still in victim/martyr role, and wondering if I will ever be loved.  Which sort of translates to - will I ever allow anyone to love me?  There is something so needy and greedy in me, I am waiting to be taken care of.  You have always been more self-sufficient, and known how to move forward in ways that are more secure.  I think.

I'm not sure what I want from this journey.  I do want answers.  I want to be courageous.  I want to own who I am, because who I am is pretty interesting and daring, if only I weren't so retiring and afraid.  OK, I think I want to not feel afraid all of the time.

Sharing your secrets with your children is tricky.  I haven't talked to my kids about a lot of what I remember.  I have shared some broad brush strokes, giving them the impression that things were not always easy in our family.  Maybe I am afraid of repeated patterns or of destroying respect they have for some relatives.  One big mistake I did make was making my oldest my confidante for a time.  In Al Anon that is labeled emotional incest.  I was supposed to be taking care of her, and I was hoping she would help me.  I am sorry and I have apologized to her.  I really don't think she understands how wrong it was though.  Or else I am playing martyr again...

And your dream...the big question of the day, for you my little sister, is:  Do you really want to go to this party?  Maybe being turned away from what's going on in the dark, underground, is a gift.  But then there is also the obvious level, you are being rejected by one of your abusers because you are talking.  And the family survived because we were silent and presented only our lovely faces to the public.  Nothing was wrong at our house, you know?  So what happens if you turn away and walk up the stairs?  What if you walk into the light?  I have a feeling the glare will hurt our eyes, but we'll adjust, then see things more clearly.

I think you have been dreaming because family dramas highlight situations, and it's interesting who needs/demands/earns/gets attention.  And by comparison, who gets...not much of anything...gets to sit quietly on the sidelines.

Maybe the dream also brings the understanding that we can be kicked out or turned away from the family for breaking the who-knows-how-many-generations-deep  blood oath signed with our pain.  But, what is there to lose?  It has been pointed out that we are sort of a collection of strangers with shared genetics, some shared memories and experiences.  Is it a coincidence that we mostly live far apart?  That we go years without seeing each other or even talking?

I can assure you that I am not at the party.  I am on the outside.  Come find me, and you won't be alone.

Love you forever,

C.