Clare,
I like the phrase "terrible beauty"…
painfully correct.
The dream about the pearls is fascinating. I wonder what it means. Pearls, to mu mind, are beauty and toughness that grow from adversity. Sand and grit irritate the oyster and initiate the formation of the pearl. Hands are about connection. Power and man-made value are also themes from the dream.
To see pearls in your dream symbolize the human soul, inner beauty, perfection, purity and chastity. Alternatively, it represents tears and sadness.
To see a string of pearls in your dream represents conformity and sameness.
What a fascinating dream. Touching something arbitrarily identified as valuable was more of a crime than taking the land and conquering it…
that's profound.
My oldest and I are experimenting with different flavorings for kombucha…
today we tried strawberry, blueberry, strawberry mint, and cherry…
each of the 4 jars is infusing the fruit/leaves for 3 days…
then we can taste.
It should be interesting.
I started another batch as soon as we divided this batch for flavoring.
I will let you know how it is going.
My youngest is once again grounded…
testing boundaries…
disrespectfully talking to husband and I.
I don't know how to make him see that treating others well will improve his life immensely.
I'm going to run…
I've got many things to finish.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Thursday, July 7, 2016
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
chills
Hi Love,
I got the chills when I read your account of your dog's passing. It was so beautiful...such a gift. I had my hand on my husky when he breathed his spirit out and was free. It is such a terrible beauty. I think that passing snaps the connection from heart-to-heart. I think that is what hurts so much. But it is so deeply amazing to be there when they transition...
You are blest...you have been blest. You are lucky, because you know it.
I never ever had the illusion that family became real after I left. I just know that some of the family patterns changed as the older sibs moved out. So some of what was normal for you was not part of my life. And some of my experiences and perceptions are not yours.
I had a dream two nights ago that has been haunting me. I saw a young girl. Someone showed her a strand of pink pearls. She reached out to touch them, and had her hand cut off for stealing. Those who punished said the pearls were valuable, she had no right. She replied that they were only valuable because the people in power valued them. Then she asked why, when they came and stole the land they were brave and noble conquerors, yet when she but touched their pearls she was a thief.
Then last night I could not sleep, and so my mind went into overtime. I wondered why I do not/can not love myself, why it is so hard to accept that someone might love me. I started thinking about being objectified when young, which is part of abuse. The person bearing the abuse is like a basket for the more powerful person's pain. We sort of learn young that we are not real.
I thought about the way I keep people at a distance, and it sort of dawned on me that this might be the way I love myself. I am protecting myself.
Weird...it made more sense in the dark of the night.
Sending love to you and your daughter and your beloved dog, who will always be with you...
Love and hugs from Clare
I got the chills when I read your account of your dog's passing. It was so beautiful...such a gift. I had my hand on my husky when he breathed his spirit out and was free. It is such a terrible beauty. I think that passing snaps the connection from heart-to-heart. I think that is what hurts so much. But it is so deeply amazing to be there when they transition...
You are blest...you have been blest. You are lucky, because you know it.
I never ever had the illusion that family became real after I left. I just know that some of the family patterns changed as the older sibs moved out. So some of what was normal for you was not part of my life. And some of my experiences and perceptions are not yours.
I had a dream two nights ago that has been haunting me. I saw a young girl. Someone showed her a strand of pink pearls. She reached out to touch them, and had her hand cut off for stealing. Those who punished said the pearls were valuable, she had no right. She replied that they were only valuable because the people in power valued them. Then she asked why, when they came and stole the land they were brave and noble conquerors, yet when she but touched their pearls she was a thief.
Then last night I could not sleep, and so my mind went into overtime. I wondered why I do not/can not love myself, why it is so hard to accept that someone might love me. I started thinking about being objectified when young, which is part of abuse. The person bearing the abuse is like a basket for the more powerful person's pain. We sort of learn young that we are not real.
I thought about the way I keep people at a distance, and it sort of dawned on me that this might be the way I love myself. I am protecting myself.
Weird...it made more sense in the dark of the night.
Sending love to you and your daughter and your beloved dog, who will always be with you...
Love and hugs from Clare
labor and delivery
Clare,
Ice cream in the backseat of the station wagon…
Papa slams the brakes and our faces smooth into them…
That's the same memory.
Why do you feel like we became family as soon as you vacated?
It wasn't any better.
We were taken out to dinner…
in pairs…
once a year.
The only time I remember it happening was to the Legion post for dinner.
My dog died.
I stayed with her through the night on Saturday…
labored breathing and restlessness.
On Sunday I took her to the emergency animal hospital.
They found a liver full of tumor and blood in her abdominal cavity. They explained it was only a matter of time. I chose to take her home to be with family in the home she had always known. We sat with her. Sunday night her breathing rate rose to 130+ and I increased the narcotic dose. She was more comfortable…but never rested. Monday all of the kids spent time with her, except daughter #2 whose boyfriend is in the hospital for pneumonia. We cried and laughed…telling doggie stories. My friend was planning on coming in the early evening to euthanize her. She chose to leave her body before that occurred. About 4 pm she slowed her breathing, arched her back, and let out a long, releasing sigh. Then she was quiet.
She was so silent…
it was so peaceful after all her work to live.
My oldest and i were at her side.
Husband was on a walk...
he generally peaces out when someone is close to death.
I had been flowing reiki over her…
at the moment of her exhale I felt her spirit rise out of her.
It was so profound that I wailed spontaneously…
like the vocal release at childbirth…
I wailed and then sobbed…
cradled in my oldest's arms.
she had labored and we delivered her back to the universe…
well loved and whole.
My oldest stayed at doggie's side without faltering all day Monday…
I am so proud of her.
I cannot believe how much I love this dog.
True, unconditional love.
Now I am without my companion. No one waiting at the door when I leave and return. No one laying at my side of the bed. No one following me and laying at my feet wherever I am, whatever I'm doing. No one who puts me before all of their own needs. That dog laid with me for days after my cancer surgery. Family had to force her to come down to eat and go outside to pee. I thought of that while I was laying at her side on Saturday and Sunday nights- my opportunity to offer her the same kindness. I was so blessed to have this soul for 12 years.
I am crying again.
I have to get to an appointment.
I will check in again tomorrow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Ice cream in the backseat of the station wagon…
Papa slams the brakes and our faces smooth into them…
That's the same memory.
Why do you feel like we became family as soon as you vacated?
It wasn't any better.
We were taken out to dinner…
in pairs…
once a year.
The only time I remember it happening was to the Legion post for dinner.
My dog died.
I stayed with her through the night on Saturday…
labored breathing and restlessness.
On Sunday I took her to the emergency animal hospital.
They found a liver full of tumor and blood in her abdominal cavity. They explained it was only a matter of time. I chose to take her home to be with family in the home she had always known. We sat with her. Sunday night her breathing rate rose to 130+ and I increased the narcotic dose. She was more comfortable…but never rested. Monday all of the kids spent time with her, except daughter #2 whose boyfriend is in the hospital for pneumonia. We cried and laughed…telling doggie stories. My friend was planning on coming in the early evening to euthanize her. She chose to leave her body before that occurred. About 4 pm she slowed her breathing, arched her back, and let out a long, releasing sigh. Then she was quiet.
She was so silent…
it was so peaceful after all her work to live.
My oldest and i were at her side.
Husband was on a walk...
he generally peaces out when someone is close to death.
I had been flowing reiki over her…
at the moment of her exhale I felt her spirit rise out of her.
It was so profound that I wailed spontaneously…
like the vocal release at childbirth…
I wailed and then sobbed…
cradled in my oldest's arms.
she had labored and we delivered her back to the universe…
well loved and whole.
My oldest stayed at doggie's side without faltering all day Monday…
I am so proud of her.
I cannot believe how much I love this dog.
True, unconditional love.
Now I am without my companion. No one waiting at the door when I leave and return. No one laying at my side of the bed. No one following me and laying at my feet wherever I am, whatever I'm doing. No one who puts me before all of their own needs. That dog laid with me for days after my cancer surgery. Family had to force her to come down to eat and go outside to pee. I thought of that while I was laying at her side on Saturday and Sunday nights- my opportunity to offer her the same kindness. I was so blessed to have this soul for 12 years.
I am crying again.
I have to get to an appointment.
I will check in again tomorrow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, July 4, 2016
conform
Hi Mags,
I remember your gown, and it was off the shoulder, and it was beautiful. I also remember you commenting that you had lost weight and tugging at it. You were a gorgeous bride.
I'm glad you and B-in-law had a nice day. And I'm sorry about the dog. It is going to be hard to lose her. It is always hard to let them go. But I always think the joy of having them outweighs the pain of losing them. Their loss reminds us to be tender.
I'm holding you and your puppy in the Light.
I do not remember a raccoon stealing Pop's wallet. Was that when I was older, and no longer included in family trips? And we never really went to Twin Kiss or out to dinner when I was at home. I think it was too expensive to take all nine of us, and hard to take toddlers. In my memory, it was when you younger ones were a little older, Mom and Dad started taking you all out sometimes.
I remember ice cream cones in the back of a station wagon on a hot day. They melted and we started sliding around in the mess. We thought it was funny. I remember catfish swimming in the sink. I do remember the hammocks. I remember each pair of kids got a pup tent to share. Some chose to set up a tent, others opted to divide it in half and put up hammocks. I didn't have to share mine, since I was the odd man out, so I set up a tent.
I remember that during those camping trips, I would hike the few miles back to the village and spend many days day with Grandma, and to be frank- with her flush toilet. Annually she would pull out the old family albums and go through the pictures with me. I remember really listening, asking questions, trying to memorize.
I remember that on the rare occasion Dad would sing, he had a strong, rich baritone. But he would never sing. Except the early morning camping anthem - Jeremiah was a bullfrog...
We did have a nice, long weekend, lots of fun. I can't believe how fast that made it to social media. I didn't bother to check for two days, and was greeted by...us. The lake is always a healthy place to go. S#3 was doing great, relaxed until she realized her daughter was ditching her and not coming, that she was stuck with the 3 kids she had with her. Then she seemed more stressed. Plus keeping an eye on kids at the lake is stressful. The lake is fun, but it can be dangerous.
Had a strange thought while I was cooking this weekend. I made potato salad, and noticed that every single potato was exactly alike. I realized this is what I expect, but that is never what I get in my garden. I know, but suddenly I felt, the poisons are meant to used conformity. Then I started thinking about kids and their desperation to conform. I'm considering all the toxins in our daily culture necessary to produce such mindless sameness, or such tortured sameness. We say we value diversity - but it's only true if people conform to the norm. Interesting paradox!
I had a dream the other night, I don't remember exactly what was happening, but I looked up and there were many, many, many birds way high in the sky, joining together, I think to begin a migration. I have not been able to find a complete idea in any of the dream dictionaries, but one line give me a place to begin analyzing...(http://www.dreamdictionary.org/b/) says: A flock of birds soaring over you donates total freedom.
Wouldn't that be nice?
Love and hugs and Light...from Clare
I remember your gown, and it was off the shoulder, and it was beautiful. I also remember you commenting that you had lost weight and tugging at it. You were a gorgeous bride.
I'm glad you and B-in-law had a nice day. And I'm sorry about the dog. It is going to be hard to lose her. It is always hard to let them go. But I always think the joy of having them outweighs the pain of losing them. Their loss reminds us to be tender.
I'm holding you and your puppy in the Light.
I do not remember a raccoon stealing Pop's wallet. Was that when I was older, and no longer included in family trips? And we never really went to Twin Kiss or out to dinner when I was at home. I think it was too expensive to take all nine of us, and hard to take toddlers. In my memory, it was when you younger ones were a little older, Mom and Dad started taking you all out sometimes.
I remember ice cream cones in the back of a station wagon on a hot day. They melted and we started sliding around in the mess. We thought it was funny. I remember catfish swimming in the sink. I do remember the hammocks. I remember each pair of kids got a pup tent to share. Some chose to set up a tent, others opted to divide it in half and put up hammocks. I didn't have to share mine, since I was the odd man out, so I set up a tent.
I remember that during those camping trips, I would hike the few miles back to the village and spend many days day with Grandma, and to be frank- with her flush toilet. Annually she would pull out the old family albums and go through the pictures with me. I remember really listening, asking questions, trying to memorize.
I remember that on the rare occasion Dad would sing, he had a strong, rich baritone. But he would never sing. Except the early morning camping anthem - Jeremiah was a bullfrog...
We did have a nice, long weekend, lots of fun. I can't believe how fast that made it to social media. I didn't bother to check for two days, and was greeted by...us. The lake is always a healthy place to go. S#3 was doing great, relaxed until she realized her daughter was ditching her and not coming, that she was stuck with the 3 kids she had with her. Then she seemed more stressed. Plus keeping an eye on kids at the lake is stressful. The lake is fun, but it can be dangerous.
Had a strange thought while I was cooking this weekend. I made potato salad, and noticed that every single potato was exactly alike. I realized this is what I expect, but that is never what I get in my garden. I know, but suddenly I felt, the poisons are meant to used conformity. Then I started thinking about kids and their desperation to conform. I'm considering all the toxins in our daily culture necessary to produce such mindless sameness, or such tortured sameness. We say we value diversity - but it's only true if people conform to the norm. Interesting paradox!
I had a dream the other night, I don't remember exactly what was happening, but I looked up and there were many, many, many birds way high in the sky, joining together, I think to begin a migration. I have not been able to find a complete idea in any of the dream dictionaries, but one line give me a place to begin analyzing...(http://www.dreamdictionary.org/b/) says: A flock of birds soaring over you donates total freedom.
Wouldn't that be nice?
Love and hugs and Light...from Clare
Sunday, July 3, 2016
not the final step
Clare,
Just for clarification…
my wedding gown was designed to be off the shoulder…
I don't think it slipped down…
maybe after a few drinks and dancing it was slipping off.
Husband and I hiked around waterfalls in the early afternoon and then explored a nearby town with great shops and restaurants. It was a good day. Except one thing…
My big dog was very ill. I felt very guilty leaving her at home without me…
she is very attached.
She had someone home most of the day…
but I worried about her.
She had labored breathing through the night…
she also had a lot of abdominal distention.
I flowed reiki over her for a long time. She was still uncomfortable.
I sat with her until about 1:30 or so and then got into bed when she seemed to be asleep.
I woke up and she was much the same…
My vet didn't answer…
I called my Friend from Meeting…
She asked appropriate questions and warned me it sounded like a cancer that is common in her breed that affects the liver and/or spleen, and oozes blood into the abdomen.
I took her to the emergency vet an hour away. We stayed about 4 hours.
She does indeed have the tumor throughout her liver- all lobes are involved. There is no chance of resection or survival. At 12 she wouldn't tolerate chemotherapy. So I brought her home to die. My kids are coming tomorrow to spend time with her.
I've never had a dog from puppy to death before.
I've never had 'my dog' before.
I truly appreciate the life she shared with me.
I have been blessed to love her.
I cannot imagine this house without her.
There will be less fur-bunnies under my furniture, but there will be such a void.
I love her so very much.
My Friend will probably come tomorrow evening or Tuesday to euthanize her at the house.
Part of me wants to let her die naturally…
but her respiratory rate is 85 - 90 and she is laboring so…
I almost hope she goes in her sleep tonight.
I may not sleep all night…
I don't know how to do this gracefully.
Tears are cleansing.
Death is the next step.
It is not the final step.
I love the memory of you playing baseball with the family. When I think of fun memories I think of several camping trips…
it sounds funny, but I remember when the raccoon stole Papa's wallet…
and when they would dig the latrine pit…
and the time we hung hammocks instead of pup tents.
That's what I remember first…
then I remember the trips to twin kiss for ice cream…
and him hitting the brakes hard making our faces smash into the cones.
It was funny…
I hope that you are having a good time with S#3 and your families. The pictures look like fun.
I will keep you posted on my dog's journey.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Just for clarification…
my wedding gown was designed to be off the shoulder…
I don't think it slipped down…
maybe after a few drinks and dancing it was slipping off.
Husband and I hiked around waterfalls in the early afternoon and then explored a nearby town with great shops and restaurants. It was a good day. Except one thing…
My big dog was very ill. I felt very guilty leaving her at home without me…
she is very attached.
She had someone home most of the day…
but I worried about her.
She had labored breathing through the night…
she also had a lot of abdominal distention.
I flowed reiki over her for a long time. She was still uncomfortable.
I sat with her until about 1:30 or so and then got into bed when she seemed to be asleep.
I woke up and she was much the same…
My vet didn't answer…
I called my Friend from Meeting…
She asked appropriate questions and warned me it sounded like a cancer that is common in her breed that affects the liver and/or spleen, and oozes blood into the abdomen.
I took her to the emergency vet an hour away. We stayed about 4 hours.
She does indeed have the tumor throughout her liver- all lobes are involved. There is no chance of resection or survival. At 12 she wouldn't tolerate chemotherapy. So I brought her home to die. My kids are coming tomorrow to spend time with her.
I've never had a dog from puppy to death before.
I've never had 'my dog' before.
I truly appreciate the life she shared with me.
I have been blessed to love her.
I cannot imagine this house without her.
There will be less fur-bunnies under my furniture, but there will be such a void.
I love her so very much.
My Friend will probably come tomorrow evening or Tuesday to euthanize her at the house.
Part of me wants to let her die naturally…
but her respiratory rate is 85 - 90 and she is laboring so…
I almost hope she goes in her sleep tonight.
I may not sleep all night…
I don't know how to do this gracefully.
Tears are cleansing.
Death is the next step.
It is not the final step.
I love the memory of you playing baseball with the family. When I think of fun memories I think of several camping trips…
it sounds funny, but I remember when the raccoon stole Papa's wallet…
and when they would dig the latrine pit…
and the time we hung hammocks instead of pup tents.
That's what I remember first…
then I remember the trips to twin kiss for ice cream…
and him hitting the brakes hard making our faces smash into the cones.
It was funny…
I hope that you are having a good time with S#3 and your families. The pictures look like fun.
I will keep you posted on my dog's journey.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Saturday, July 2, 2016
a memory
Good morning Little Sister,
I am tidying up as I wait for S#3 and her grandkids to arrive. I probably won't check back in here until Monday. Niece will arrive tonight or tomorrow morning, after she works. I am hoping to get her advice about what to do with this haircut. I really like it. And after the stylist was finished, I loved it. But when I try it myself...well, something is missing. Like, style.
I am listening to Jay Ungar and Molly Masan as I clean. I think they may be my new favorites. They make me want to play my violin!
I am glad you listed the Kublar-Ross stages. I am familiar with this information, but it was not in my accessible memory! I think you are right. Mom is starting to go into the denial stage. Not hard to do, since we are all experts in this family.
We do have to be present and kind. We have to be present and kind with Mom and with each other. We will all have a lot to process, unless we stay numb.
I feel like I am still clinging to numb. It has been my way of dealing with Dad's ongoing rejection. Don't let him in, don't feel him. I am still trying to sink into childhood memories and find those places of connection with him, of being happy when he was home, of daily pleasure...
And I just remembered one. This may be the start of my softening.
When I was 7, when we lived in the house where S#3 was born, Dad took the oldest of us out into the backyard to teach us how to play baseball. I was up first. I hit the ball and I ran to first base.
First base was a folding chair. The bases were each something householdy-unique.
I was on first, and B#2 did something that distracted the outfield, and Dad yelled at me to steal base.
I looked at him. Steal the base? He encouraged me again, "Steal the base!"
So I picked up the chair and ran. He asked what I was doing...I'm stealing it.
After the shock, everyone laughed. It was a silly, joyful moment.
Okay, so now I have this, let's follow the thread, and find that Daddy. I don't want to pretend the other did not exist, but let's reconnect with this Daddy, too.
Happy Anniversary! I still remember your wedding. You lost so much weight your gown was slipping off your shoulders. You were shocked that I bought a black dress. Your wedding party all arrived at the reception with Blues Brothers shades...Everyone was involved, everyone was included.
Have fun, and enjoy each other!
Love and hugs from Clare
I am tidying up as I wait for S#3 and her grandkids to arrive. I probably won't check back in here until Monday. Niece will arrive tonight or tomorrow morning, after she works. I am hoping to get her advice about what to do with this haircut. I really like it. And after the stylist was finished, I loved it. But when I try it myself...well, something is missing. Like, style.
I am listening to Jay Ungar and Molly Masan as I clean. I think they may be my new favorites. They make me want to play my violin!
I am glad you listed the Kublar-Ross stages. I am familiar with this information, but it was not in my accessible memory! I think you are right. Mom is starting to go into the denial stage. Not hard to do, since we are all experts in this family.
We do have to be present and kind. We have to be present and kind with Mom and with each other. We will all have a lot to process, unless we stay numb.
I feel like I am still clinging to numb. It has been my way of dealing with Dad's ongoing rejection. Don't let him in, don't feel him. I am still trying to sink into childhood memories and find those places of connection with him, of being happy when he was home, of daily pleasure...
And I just remembered one. This may be the start of my softening.
When I was 7, when we lived in the house where S#3 was born, Dad took the oldest of us out into the backyard to teach us how to play baseball. I was up first. I hit the ball and I ran to first base.
First base was a folding chair. The bases were each something householdy-unique.
I was on first, and B#2 did something that distracted the outfield, and Dad yelled at me to steal base.
I looked at him. Steal the base? He encouraged me again, "Steal the base!"
So I picked up the chair and ran. He asked what I was doing...I'm stealing it.
After the shock, everyone laughed. It was a silly, joyful moment.
Okay, so now I have this, let's follow the thread, and find that Daddy. I don't want to pretend the other did not exist, but let's reconnect with this Daddy, too.
Happy Anniversary! I still remember your wedding. You lost so much weight your gown was slipping off your shoulders. You were shocked that I bought a black dress. Your wedding party all arrived at the reception with Blues Brothers shades...Everyone was involved, everyone was included.
Have fun, and enjoy each other!
Love and hugs from Clare
Friday, July 1, 2016
patient and gentle
Clare,
My old dog is struggling too. I hate to leave for work because I have a sense that she won;t be here much longer. She lays around most of the day and night. She isn't sleeping most of the time, just breathing heavily and watching her surroundings. She struggles to go up and down steps. I've given her pain meds, extra pain meds for the past two days…
they seems to help her mobilize a bit more.
I don't know how to judge how close a dog is to her end. She could sleep like this for months. I guess I have to be patient.
I spoke with Mamma Delana yesterday. Papa D did not get on the phone. She was uncharacteristically bright and cheery. She read me the pathology reports. She told me that Papa was going to fight this with surgery, radiation and chemo. She was optimistic. When I asked about prognosis she jumped to another subject.
The Kübler-Ross model, or the five stages of grief, postulates a series of emotions experienced by survivors of an intimate's death, wherein the five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
I think she's in denial. I cannot understand her lightness and unconcerned manner.
I think S#5 is going to have her hands full over the next months.
Tomorrow is my 28th wedding anniversary. I cannot believe I made it this long. It hasn't been easy, but I'm glad we are still married. We are going to go hiking at a nearby attraction with many waterfalls. After that we are going to explore a quaint town nearby and have dinner. Our oldest is going to maintain some semblance of control at home. I'm looking forward to a day away from home.
I was journaling today. I kept getting the message- Patient and gentle…
I think that's good guidance.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
My old dog is struggling too. I hate to leave for work because I have a sense that she won;t be here much longer. She lays around most of the day and night. She isn't sleeping most of the time, just breathing heavily and watching her surroundings. She struggles to go up and down steps. I've given her pain meds, extra pain meds for the past two days…
they seems to help her mobilize a bit more.
I don't know how to judge how close a dog is to her end. She could sleep like this for months. I guess I have to be patient.
I spoke with Mamma Delana yesterday. Papa D did not get on the phone. She was uncharacteristically bright and cheery. She read me the pathology reports. She told me that Papa was going to fight this with surgery, radiation and chemo. She was optimistic. When I asked about prognosis she jumped to another subject.
The Kübler-Ross model, or the five stages of grief, postulates a series of emotions experienced by survivors of an intimate's death, wherein the five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
I think she's in denial. I cannot understand her lightness and unconcerned manner.
I think S#5 is going to have her hands full over the next months.
Tomorrow is my 28th wedding anniversary. I cannot believe I made it this long. It hasn't been easy, but I'm glad we are still married. We are going to go hiking at a nearby attraction with many waterfalls. After that we are going to explore a quaint town nearby and have dinner. Our oldest is going to maintain some semblance of control at home. I'm looking forward to a day away from home.
I was journaling today. I kept getting the message- Patient and gentle…
I think that's good guidance.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
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